Hmmm. Seems we have a possible emergency. This calls for ...... The most extreme 12 steps ever!!!
Something that will occupy us so effectively, that we will simply have no thought for spoilers, or Buffy news of any sort. This new 12 steps will involve more than a hundred cubic litres of baby oil, a whole regiment of naked dancing girls with ostritch feathers, lots of loud music (so we can't hear the screams from the spoiler thread - I just don't wanna know - if I'm gonna have to go through the dissolving in a mess of snot and tears bit, then I might as well do it effectively, and actually be surprised), a pair of handcuffs (velvet-lined), lots of frilly panties, a round one hundred bottles of chocolate sauce, a calm, tropical lagoon, with a small, utterly self-sufficient and beautiful island with ... wait for it ... non-stick sand, and lots of tropical fruit trees, amongst other amazing plants: There's the Invisible Spoiler-Detecting Vine; which can tell as soon as a non-spoiled Kitty is about to become very naughty and give in and go for spoilers and, well, shall we say it uses its vines to good effect? There's also the Tara tree, which is actually kind of like an Ent, which can tell when any Kitty is having bad Buffy dreams, and spreads its branches around their stricken form, and, by channelling the warm, tropical breeze through its outer branches, it actually makes a sound like a crooning Tara; There's the Willow tree, which sits beside a beautiful, slow-moving river, which is very, very pleasant to lie beneath (accompanied or otherwise). Finally, we have the weaponry: A single, deadly trebuchet; loaded with Monkfish Poo (the worst kind); which is trained on ... Joss. Hell hath no fury than a Kitten irked at undesirable plotting.
Our island will be washed each morning by warm summer rains, dried by an obliging sun, which never gets too hot, and doesn't burn, no matter how naked, and how forgetful we might get - if we want to lounge on the beach all day, or cruise the lagoon on an inflatable raft, then we can do so without tiresome reapplications of skanky sun cream - instead, baby oil may be applied, without fear (depending upon whom has the bottle ) - and each night, there is a beautiful sunset, which provides a spectacular view of Tara and Willow-shaped clouds to ooh and aah over.
Finally, I will teach us all to fly. I have provided large, fluffy mattresses to practice with, and lots of distractions, to ensure success (I am, of course, meaning the Hitch Hikers' way of flying, as Arthur Dent and Fenchurch do. It involves throwing yourself at the floor and missing (you need the distractions for this part - if you get distracted at the right time, the laws of physics cease to apply)), and can subsequently lead to all sorts of fun and giggles - Charlie can then sort out suitable post-flying-lesson activities for all.
There. Drastic, but, I'm sure you'll agree, effective measures to ensure we all have lots of unspoiled fun
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I am the sunlight on the sides of houses.
