Stepping All Over The Place
For Us To Work We Didn't Break
We Didn't Burn, We Had To Learn
How To Bend Without The World Caving In
I Had To Learn What I Got, And What I'm Not
And Who I Am
I Won't Give Up On Us
“Hey, Sal?”
Tara sat down next to her sister at the table, where she was busy drawing in a notepad.
“What are you making?”
“Drawing my new D&D character,” Sally replied cheerily, “She’s a Cleric whose parents abandoned her so she's had to teach herself magic and fighting. And she wears a necklace of mummified elf fingers!”
“W-Wow,” Tara feigned enthusiasm, not least of which because the therapist had told her that Sally’s interest in Dungeons and Dragons actually seemed to be providing her with a healthy outlet to express herself.
She just wished she understood it more.
Thank god Willow was in this with her.
Remembering Willow, Tara recalled why she’d come over.
“Hey, I want to have a little chat with you.”
Sally suddenly dropped her colored pencil, eyes wide.
“I didn’t do it!”
Tara turned her head but decided to let it go.
“No…no, you’re not in trouble,” she said cautiously, narrowing her eyes slightly but continuing without incident, “Well, the thing is my mom is coming down to LA to visit this weekend and I wondered if you’d like to hang out with her?”
“Your…mom?” Sally replied slowly, “So, am I…related to her?”
“Oh well…” Tara paused, stuck for thought for a moment, “Well I’m your sister and she’s my mom, so she’s…well, no, you’re not related by blood but she’s family. And so are you.”
Sally seemed to accept that and went back to shading the mummified elf fingers.
“Sure, I guess. Is she a mean mom?”
Tara shook her head.
“No, she’s the best. Plus it’s her mac and cheese recipe I make for you and I bet she’d make it even better.”
“And she didn’t get it from a box neither?” Sally asked with an arched eyebrow.
Tara shook her head.
“All from—”
“Scratch!” Sally laughed and started scratching her stomach and head like a monkey.
Tara laughed and tickled her fingers over Sally’s hand.
“A little monkey, you’ve got that right. Let’s not tell Willow, okay?”
Sally smiled.
Tara smiled back.
She wished it was always this easy.
For every carefree moment like this, there were the screaming matches when they tried to turn the TV off, the refusal to go to therapy, or the casual insults. Sometimes intended, sometimes not. Then there was the manipulation to try and muddy the line.
Tara knew these were all behaviors borne of a chaotic and abusive upbringing; Sally rarely spoke of their father but when she did Tara knew she was lucky to have escaped his clutches. She knew this but it didn’t make it any easier, especially now they were tipping out of the summer and school was going to start back up very, very soon.
Willow had it all planned out, schedule-wise, of course, and for the umpteenth time, Tara didn’t know how she would cope without her.
Not that they spent any real time together anymore, except to collapse into bed and maybe fool around for a bit before crashing.
Occasionally there were precious seconds in the morning after awakening but usually one was up before the other.
Tara hadn’t even been able to sit down to talk with Willow about this new plan to pivot back into DJing full-time. She knew for sure if she didn’t soon, whatever fanbase she’d built up would be sure to dissipate. She was ready to accept that; her rise on the scene had been part fluke, part Nate’s promotion so she didn’t really feel like she was losing something she’d worked hard to earn. But if she could continue to do it and continue to work with Willow in the process, well…she sure missed those heady nights.
She hoped for one soon, if not inspired by the adrenaline rush of DJing then maybe because of their anniversary which fell the Saturday before they all started classes…
This Saturday.
When venting with her mother, Kimberly had offered to come up with Jeff to meet some of their Wiccan friends and babysit for the evening so she and Willow could go out.
Tara couldn’t wait — and couldn’t wait to surprise Willow either.
Tara folded the last shirt from the laundry basket as she heard the message tone on her phone beep.
She checked the messages and smiled before making her way back into the living room, briefly stopping by the closet to run her hand over a little black dress tucked in at the back.
At the table, Willow jumped up excitedly from her laptop.
“Tara, can we grab a few minutes? I just got some exciting emails about hiring DJ Tarot and I really wanna nail it all down with you.”
Tara’s heart skipped a beat. They’d been trying to carve this conversation out for days.
“Oh Willow,” she said, frowning, “Right this second?”
Willow nodded eagerly.
“Yeah, are you busy?”
There was a knock on the door and Willow looked over.
“Are we…expecting someone?”
Tara grinned and went to open the door, throwing her arms around her mom when she did so.
“Ms. M!” Willow said brightly and hurried over to offer another hug, “Is Mr. B with you?”
Kimberly shook her head.
“He’s gone to see an old druid friend,” she said as she held both Willow and Tara by their outer arms, “How are my girls?”
“We’re good,” Tara smiled at her mother, who gave her a knowing look.
“Come in,” Willow offered, stepping aside.
Tara closed the door behind them while Willow gestured to the living area, where Sally hadn’t even looked up from the TV.
“We have some separation anxiety with the television right now.”
Willow gnawed on her lip, surprised to find she was nervous about Kimberly’s assessment of her ‘parenting’. Tara just sighed; a sigh Willow had noticed really sneaking in lately.
She hoped to alleviate it a bit later.
Or at least she had, before the unexpected bonus-mom arrival.
Kimberly and Tara exchanged a look and Willow was beginning to feel distinctly left out.
“Well, I happen to have a brand-new off-the-shelf game called,” Kimberly said in an announcer's voice as she reached into her big straw purse, “Whirling Witchcraft!”
She produced a purple box depicting witches around a cauldron.
“Jeff says it comes highly recommended.”
“Seems a bit stereotypical,” Willow commented glibly, “Witches aren’t all hairy moles and rotted teeth y’know?”
She knew she was being petulant but oddly, this actually seemed to attract Sally’s attention and she looked up and acknowledged them all for the first time.
“Witchcraft?”
Tara took the opportunity to discreetly turn off the TV while Kimberly distracted her.
“Hi Sally, it’s nice to meet you again. I’m Kimberly, Tara’s mom.”
“I saw you once,” Sally replied stoically, “When I first met
my sister. And then we got hot chocolate once, right?”
No one missed the emphasis on the ‘my’. It was no secret that while Sally tended to push people away, she clung to Tara like white on rice. The therapist had spoken to them about an attachment disorder but the advice presently was not to push too much.
Sally cocked her head to one side.
“So you…used to be married to my Dad right?”
Kimberly cleared her throat.
“Well…not…”
“Kinda,” Willow offered unsurely.
“Not ‘kinda’,” Kimberly was quick to retort but her face grew pained as she looked back at Sally to give an explanation, “Sort of.”
“‘Sort of’?” Willow asked mockingly, then paled when Kimberly shot her a look, “Sorry Ms. M.”
Sally looked over at Willow.
“Why do you call her Ms. M?”
“Well, that’s her name,” Willow supplied, grateful for an easy question, “Ms. Maclay. Like Tara Maclay.”
Sally turned her mischievous inquisitiveness to Tara.
“How come we don’t have the same name if we’re sisters?”
“Questions coming in hot and fast tonight,” Willow clapped her hands together quickly, “Who wants to play the board game? I’m up for some witchy shenanigans.”
“Sally, would you like to help me set up the cauldrons?” Kimberly asked as she placed the game box on the table and took the lid off.
Sally hesitated, then shrugged and came over to help.
“Why don’t I get some lemonade and game snacks?” Tara suggested as she turned on her heels to walk over to the fridge.
Willow followed and lowered her voice.
“Why didn’t you tell me your mom was coming to visit?”
Tara brought the pitcher out from the fridge and winked at Willow.
“I have a plan.”
Willow raised an eyebrow and added a sappy grin when Tara kissed her cheek as she passed by.
“Popcorn!” she announced, spinning around in a 180-degree turn, “Popcorn is essential for whipping your butts at, ah…how do we play this game?”
“Well, everyone is a different character and every character has a workbench,” Kimberly explained with a smile as she laid out the various brightly-colored cardboard inserts, “Depending on your character, you have different special powers to morph those ingredients into something else! Everyone gets ingredients and then we use these recipe cards to cook up something! When you’ve bubbled up all you want, you have to pass them over to another player and take over their cauldron! The first person to have just five ingredients left wins!”
“Ooh,” Willow replied, intrigued as she put the packet of popcorn in the microwave, “So you want your cauldron to be full at the same time the other is empty for maximum points!”
“Willow’s got it,” Kimberly smiled, “She always was the best rule-follower in the family.”
Willow blushed lightly at being called ‘family’.
They sat around the table and Kimberly started handing out the character cards.
“Willow, you’re the Frog Whisperer.”
Willow gasped.
“NO!”
Kimberly nodded knowingly and Sally looked at Willow strangely.
“She has frog fear,” Tara explained and quickly handed Willow her card, “Here honey, you can be the Spellbook Scholar.”
Willow took it gratefully. Sally held up two cards.
“Am I The Daredevil or The Whirlwind?”
“I’d say a spunky mix of the two,” Willow grinned and Sally kicked her under the table, “OW!”
“Sally!” Tara chastised, and let out a short breath, “We use our words, not our hands. Or our feet.”
“Oh my, how I’ve flashed back to your childhood,” Kimberly forced a smile, “Though Donny was usually the perpetrator.”
“Who’s Donny?” Sally asked as she inspected the character she’d chosen.
The table went silent.
Sally looked up slowly.
“Did I say a bad word I don’t know is a bad word again?”
“No, no,” Tara reassured, reaching out to put her hand over Sally’s, “Donny is…my brother.”
Sally’s forehead creased as she worked it out.
“So…my brother too?”
“Yes,” Kimberly cleared her throat, “Yes, he is.”
Willow let out a low grumble of disapproval. Sally didn’t seem too perturbed.
“Yeah, they told me I had a brother.”
It was silent again until Willow spoke.
“So, uh, how ‘bout we start this toil and trouble?”
Kimberly doled out four cards each and the game began.
It took a few goes for everyone to fall into the rules, and a few frustrations when Sally initially lost a small pot to Willow, but a few games in and she began to pull on her D&D planning to add some oomph to her character.
It was going so well that when Tara ordered a pizza, Sally gobbled hers up without even realizing none of the others had eaten until she’d finished.
“Surrender!” she jabbed a jovial finger at Kimberly before finally noticing, “Why isn’t anyone eating? Was I s’possed to wait for the mac and cheese?”
She seemed embarrassed.
“Oh well, it’s just,” Tara tried to sound casual, “Willow and I were going to head out for dinner tonight.”
“We were?” Willow asked with a smile.
“Yes,” Tara smiled back, “It’s our anniversary.”
Sally glanced slowly between Willow and Tara and then at Kimberly, feeling like she’d been played.
“So you brought your stinkin’ mom to babysit me? I don’t need a babysitter!”
Tara pushed her chair back and came around to Sally’s side, leaning down to her level.
“Honey, we just want you to have some company while we go out.”
Sally’s face started to go red.
“Just leave me alone! Everyone always does!”
“We wouldn’t do that,” Willow said from across the table, “Sal—”
“No! Don’t call me that!” Sally raged and both Willow and Tara knew they’d just flown off the precipice of reason.
Sally only knew how to mask hard emotions with bigger ones.
Sally flung her arms across the table, sending the pieces scattered everywhere. Kimberly jumped up in fright and Willow quickly moved around the table to help constrain Sally so she wouldn’t hurt herself by breaking a glass or something.
They bundled her into her bedroom and after about 10 minutes, Willow slipped out and closed the door softly behind her.
Kimberly, having spent a few minutes in a PTSD-like shock, was cleaning up the pieces from the game.
“I’ll do that,” Willow quickly offered, getting on her knees on the floor to help.
Kimberly looked up, visibly pale.
“Is she okay?”
Willow nodded.
“Yeah. Tara’s just holding her. She tries to push us away but some part of her lets her give in eventually. I guess she went a long time without having a safe space.”
Kimberly could only nod. She realized she had some unresolved trauma herself as a little growl she’d heard come from Sally’s mouth was identical to one she hadn’t heard in a very, very long time and thankfully never would again.
She was mindlessly sweeping cards together when she realized Willow was speaking.
“I’m sorry, Willow?”
“I said I’ll replace the game for Mr. B,” Willow repeated, “Are you okay, Ms. M? Don’t worry about Sally. Her therapist says it’s normal and she’s told us what to do when she goes into that rage mode. You might not believe it but it’s actually way better than it was even a few weeks ago.”
Kimberly blinked slowly.
“You girls. I had two kids by your age and I still don’t think I’d figured my life and the world out like you have.”
Willow’s cheeks turned a light pink.
“We’ve been through a lot.”
Kimberly just nodded again.
“Don’t worry about the game. It was a promo box he got for the store. Anyway, I think I’ve caught all the pieces.”
Willow helped Kimberly pack the game back up and was about to offer her a drink when Tara came back into the living room.
“She’s asleep,” she explained with a weary wave of her hand as her hands folded across her chest, “You can head out, Mom. I think tonight is a bust.”
Kimberly nodded gently. She suddenly felt very like getting some air.
“I’m sorry this didn’t work out.”
“We’ll get there,” Tara shrugged one shoulder but offered a soft and genuine smile, “Go meet up with Jeff. Enjoy the night.”
“Don’t dance naked under any trees,” Willow joked, then swallowed, “Or do. No judgment.”
Tara slightly bumped Willow’s shoulder affectionately as she came across to hug her mother.
Kimberly lingered before pulling back and holding her daughter by the shoulders.
“Tara…” she trailed off wistfully before kissing Tara’s forehead, “Learn from my mistakes.”
She picked up her purse and wiggled her fingers.
“Happy anniversary, girls.”
“Thank you,” Tara replied softly and Willow echoed it.
The door clicked closed and Tara’s gaze met Willow’s. They both pretty much floated over to the couch where they fell into it and each other with Willow’s head in Tara’s lap while Tara played with her hair.
They were quiet for a few minutes.
Peacefully, blissfully quiet.
Suddenly Willow’s eyes sprung open and she sat up.
“Would you go pick up some take-out? I’m starving.”
Tara’s arm flopped into her lap.
“Can we get them to deliver?”
Willow nibbled on her lip and turned her puppy dog eyes on Tara.
“It’s always cold when it gets here.”
Tara withheld one of those sighs upon seeing the look on Willow’s face.
“Yeah, okay. You want Thai?”
The Thai place was down the street and would have their food ready in the few minutes it would take for Tara to walk there.
“You know what I would love?” Willow’s eyes burst brightly, “Some soondubu. You know from that place on West Olympic?”
Tara tried not to show the exhaustion in her bones.
“You want me to go to Koreatown?”
Willow nodded eagerly and Tara was wont to resist her keen little face.
“Okay, baby. I’ll get some bibimbap and bulgogi too. Do you want chicken or beef?”
“Chicken,” Willow replied happily, “Oh, and make sure they put the kimchi in this time.”
Tara just nodded, kissed Willow’s cheek, and stood up to get her keys.
“Oh, and I’ll take some omija tea if they have any,” Willow called as Tara walked out the door.
“Okay,” Tara replied, trying not to sound tetchy.
She couldn’t expect Willow to just know she didn’t feel like this journey. It was just that…Willow usually did and could read her like a book. The out-of-sync feeling didn’t help the general discombobulation she was feeling having taken on a pre-teen girl she’d never known existed and yet now felt such depth and protection over.
Not to mention the responsibility.
She quickly turned on some of the new music Nate had sent her when she got in the car to try and use the journey to switch off her brain.
It wasn’t long before she was imagining mixing two of the songs and tapping the beats out on the steering wheel.
When she arrived, she saw a text from Willow saying she had ordered for them, which she appreciated as the restaurant seemed busy. It took just a few minutes to collect their order and have it back on the car floor, with Willow’s tea secured in the cup holder.
She sent a quick message to Nate to let him know she enjoyed the tracks and asked which ones were live that she could use in a show.
The food smelled really good and she realized she was starving — they’d had a late breakfast and Tara had been too anxious with her little plan to snack much on the popcorn. She knew now she absolutely should have filled Willow in. Things like ‘anniversary surprises’ were not part of their lives right now. They’d barely been even able to say the words to each other.
She was hoping Willow had already grabbed a couple of plates and some silverware so they could slob on the couch, but Willow apparently had different ideas.
As soon as Tara opened the door, she was met by a barrage of shimmering candlelight.
Willow must have rooted out every single tealight and votive they had as it seemed like every surface was covered.
In the middle of the room, Willow was sitting on a laid-out blanket with chopsticks, spoons, plates, and glasses. A few red balloons floated around the floor, away from the candles and Willow was laying on her side with a single red rose between her teeth.
Tara used her back to close the door with a soft ‘click’ and then walked the few paces to sink to her knees by Willow.
“Sweetie…”
Willow took the stem of the rose out of her mouth and twirled it under Tara’s chin.
“Hopefully this will quell the feelings of you wanting to absolutely murder me for sending you to Koreatown.”
Tara could only smile.
As if she ever doubted Willow was always right there with her.
“Where did you get all of this stuff together at this time of the evening?”
“I was working on a little plan of my own,” she said with a saucily arched eyebrow, “You, me, Elysian Park. Hike a picnic up to Angel’s Point. Figured I could bribe, I mean, uh, distract Sally with my Switch and maybe sneak a smooch at sunset. I was going to suggest we go this afternoon before your mom arrived.”
Tara suddenly lifted her knees and stood up straight. She held up one finger to indicate one minute and hurried off to the bedroom.
Willow pouted a little but tried to drop the attitude as she waited, filling the time by taking out the containers of food and sipping a little on her tea.
Tara kept to her promise of only being one minute (maybe two) and returned with her previous clothing shed in favor of a slinky little black number that she wore off-the-shoulder and above-the-knee.
Willow floated to an upstanding position, practically slack-jawed.
“You look incredible,” she said in awe, before looking down at herself disdainfully, “I am…woefully underdressed.”
She had purple jeans and a fuzzy green sweater on and Tara had never found her more alluring.
“No, you look perfect,” she said, taking Willow’s hands to pull them together, “You look like Willow.”
She rested her forehead on her girlfriend’s.
“My Willow.”
“Yours,” Willow confirmed with an audible swallow, “Always.”
She brought her hand up to touch Tara’s cheek and let it fall over the body of the dress, surreptitiously brushing her fingers over Tara’s exposed breast.
“And when did you get this pretty little thing?”
Tara reached down to the hem of her dress and did a little sway from side to side.
“This is what I was going to wear tonight when I wined you and dined you.”
“Were you going to finish that phrase?” Willow grinned and popped a kiss on Tara’s lips when she got a wry look in return.
She closed her hands around the back of Tara’s neck and the sway became mutual.
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”
“It did,” Tara replied softly, putting her hands on Willow’s hips, “This is perfect.”
They kissed again, just a soft press of lips, letting the stresses of the day drain away.
Someone’s stomach grumbled, they couldn’t even tell whose and they both quickly sat down on the cushions Willow had put down for them.
There were a few minutes of silence as they ate hungrily but eventually slowed enough to talk.
“So fill me in on you and your mom’s sneaky plan?” Willow asked as she picked up a piece of chicken with her chopsticks.
Tara sighed.
“Well, you pretty much saw it except I had the crazy idea that Sally would just be cool with my mom because…she’s my mom.”
“Fair assumption,” Willow replied kindly, “I don’t think it was your mom she opposed…just the idea of ‘someone else’ being in charge of her. Maybe with some mom-trauma overtones. I’ve, uh, been pre-reading my psych 101 textbooks. Plus, y’know, grew up under Sheila.”
Tara’s brow creased sympathetically.
“Willow, how…” she paused to focus a moment, “How do you handle all of this so well? You never complain, you always seem so calm when something goes down.”
“It’s only my own existential angst that I have trouble with,” Willow joked before softly swallowing and looking Tara in the eye, “I just…think about how tough her life has been. And I niggle in on that humanity and focus on that and think what I can do to make it better.”
She met Tara’s gaze.
“I learned from you.”
Tears sprung into Tara’s eyes; feeling guilt for her negative feelings.
“That doesn’t make it any easier.”
“No,” Willow shook her head, “But I know what some Maclay love can do to an emotionally troubled kid…so I know it’ll work out. And you know, maybe I can even be part of it. Give back some of all I was given.”
“Willow, you do so much,” Tara replied, getting choked, “I-I don’t want it to end up being too much.”
Willow scooted closer to Tara and started to rub her thigh.
“What if it’s too much for you, baby?”
Tara lifted her eyes to Willow vulnerably.
“It feels it sometimes. But I can’t just forget that I have a sister.”
“Either can I,” Willow replied honestly, then paused for a moment to gather her words, “Tara if I…knocked you up or something…”
Tara’s brow creased and it was so adorable Willow couldn’t help but let out a little laugh.
“Okay, I know,
I know, but just say our witchy powers from earlier came to life and that happened. I feel about that how I feel about this. Why would I leave? Because I’m young? I’m not exactly born from the House of Wild. Because it’s work? We were already juggling jobs and school, what’s another ball in the mix? Because it’s emotionally difficult? Hell, compared to the crap I put you and me through, it feels good to have some skills to help someone else. And the biggest reason of all I wouldn’t leave — because I love you too damn much. You are a reason Tara, the most important one, and even if I was just staying ‘because of you’ it would be enough. You are enough to make me fight. You are worth everything. So if we only get two minutes a day, I will take those two minutes and make sure you know I love you. I'll make the most of the minutes and love with no regrets.”
One tear fell from Tara’s eye, which Willow wiped from her cheek. She ducked her head and then swung it back up to kiss Willow’s lips.
It was another long, languid kiss that pulsed through the quiet until Tara’s eyes had cleared.
Tara picked up a piece of julienned carrot from the bibimbap and offered it to Willow.
“Are you looking forward to starting classes?”
Tara’s voice was calmer and Willow could see some weight gone from her beautiful, exposed shoulders.
“Uh huh, yeah. Fred invited me to join a D&D campaign on campus. I was gonna ask if Sally wanted to come along if the dates work out.”
Tara frowned.
“I don’t know if she’s ready to do something like that so…publically. What if something went wrong?” she asked, not needing to add ‘like tonight’, “Besides, it would be nice for you to have something. Outside of all of…this.”
“Outside of my family?” Willow asked softly with an arched eyebrow.
At that moment, Tara felt them closer as ‘one flesh’ than they had ever been in the bedroom (or Fijian beach).
“Happy anniversary,” was all she could say, but each syllable dripped with her love.
Willow's voice echoed as she kissed the corner of Tara’s mouth.
“Happy anniversary, love.”