12 step support for the spoiler-free

[Charlie]

Knife throwing is my speciality, thank you very much, and I'll have you know the incident last time was completely my assistant's fault - if she insists on moving and jigging up and down (she WAS!) what am I supposed to do?

quote:

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Originally posted by Katharyn:
If you all choose to perform mime I will turf myself off the boat.

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Anyone else having the same evil idea?

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"Je dois partir maintenant parce que ma grandmere est flambé..."
- Eddie 'covered in beeeees!' Izzardquote:

[Hanki]

lol, now now. no mutinying (i apologise for the terible spelling) katharyn is a valuable part of this ship right? *silence* right?

[Forrister]

Awww. Poor Wolfie.
[Gets out the iron and irons some starch into Wolfie's epaulettes]

Hmmmm, we have all these nice tropical waters and a first mate who hasn't been swimming yet. . . . .

[Assists Katharyn to enjoy the nice tropical waters - chucks in a couple of floaties just in case the Pom can't swim.]

Did some one mention nipple tassles? Will there be twirling? With counter-rotation?!?

This caberet sounds like fun.

[Lowers a ladder over the side so the first mate can climb back aboard. Takes one glance at the look in her eyes and decides that the crow's nest needs inspecting.]

Beware the wrath of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with mustard.

[This message has been edited by Forrister (edited February 17, 2002).]

[Wolfie]

Wolfie decides to stoutly protect his Captain, and stands at the base of the mast, arms resolutely folded, grim face showing that he'll fight, fight to the death, to save his Captain ...

... Until he notices the look in the Field Marshall's eyes, and remembers that there's sixteen hundred-weight of spuds that need peeling with a very blunt potato peeler, and so hastens towards the kitchens, shutting and bolting the door behind him.

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I am the sunlight on the sides of houses.

[Charlie]

*shuts herself in her magician's box in an attempt to hide from the First Mate's wrath, and accidentally makes herself disappear*

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"Je dois partir maintenant parce que ma grandmere est flambé..."
- Eddie 'covered in beeeees!' Izzard

[Hanki]

Need any help wolfie? *grabs seefer (hey i'm in charge of his safety!) and joins wolfie in the galley*

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Hannah's Home -- My Collective Creative Crap

"Thank you Professor Higgins, after one lesson I feel I can speak perfectly."

[Katharyn]

I have nothing to say to any of you right now... too drippy, but I'll have my spuds bakked please.

*Grabs the Captain, a large fluffy towel and heads for the brig expecting to be properly dried off and moisturised. At length.*

You see only one person is going to pay the price round here... We'll see you at the cabaret - I need to practice with my vegetables and I think I found a volunteer.

Katharyn

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You hear that baby?

[Charlie]

Appareo!
*reappears with a flash of light and a loud POP!*

Hi guys! Back again. Got a little lost and wandered round in someone’s greenhouse for a while I think. Amazing where you can get to in this thing.

*taps magic box appreciatively and a top hat falls out*

Oh yes, I nearly forgot. I found someone on my travels. He was hiding in a old helmet full of cheese and panties.

*puts her hand into the top hat and produces a small white rat*

Bitofluff!! We might need to keep him and Seefer separate though… Oh, and while the Cap’n and First Mate are trying out their vegetables on each other, can I have a try at the wheel? Purlease?!!! I mean, how hard can it be…?

[Wolfie]

well, as I suspect that our Captain and first mate are going to be a little too preoccupied to be dispensing permission to do anything, other than "you may have permission to frot me vigorously with that vegetable" -

*ahem*

- I will bite the bullet, and give you permission to steer, Charlie. And remember: Boats steer the other way to cars, if ya haven't done this sort of thing before. I know these things - a nautical cove, me (Unlike Lord Percy, I wasn't savaged by a turbot as a baby).

Bito'fluff can sit on my capacious epaulette while you steer, if you like, so you don't have to worry about his whereabouts.

Well, Hanki, my dear, I guess it's on with the peeling. Better make sure Katharyn's baked spud doesn't have any weavils inside. Personally, I don't want to be assaulted by vegetables - or reintroduced to the Pacific Ocean again. Not the best swimmer, me: All thrash and little locomotion. Very good at creating foam, though, as I recall ...

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I am the sunlight on the sides of houses.

[This message has been edited by Wolfie (edited February 19, 2002).]

[Charlie]

Wheeeeeeeeeee!

This is harder than it looks, isn't it? Ooops, narrowly missed that small... island... Never mind.

*waves happily at the natives*
SORRY! What's our course, btw, Wolfie? Where are we taking this floating cabaret/circus/menagerie?

[Wolfie]

I feel in the mood for some sassy music - let's go to Cuba!

Onwards! With the sea spray flying in our hair and oiled dancing girls girding our loins, let us away with a ying and a yang and a zing zang spillip!

*Looks down at one of the dancing girls*

*Deep intake of breath - look of wonderment*

You have a woman's bottom, melady! I'd wager that soft, round pair of peaches've never been forced between splintered planks to save a sinking ship!

Charlie, in case you don't know how to get to Cuba (I don't, either - I don't know where we are), just sail round and round that island over there, until everyone's giddy, then park up wherever you want. I'll get everyone drunk on potato whisky, don a loud shirt, pork pie hat, rip out a few sassy lines on the ole gitter, and pretend by the seat of my pants - it'll be good enough, I'm sure - they're strong pants.

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I am the sunlight on the sides of houses.

[Katharyn]

*Looks up from the wet lettuce trick as the ship gets a definite lean*

Whoah! Who's driving this thing?

Katharyn

PS Slightly back on to the support idea... looks like you Aussie kitties are getting near now. Fontaine's site says Angel is starting 26th Feb... though don't hold her or me to that! Buffy should follow soon I believe. Sound off if you still have no idea when S6 will start!

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You hear that baby?

[Charlie]

*retrieves Bitofluff from Wolfie, who was in the process of trying to feed him potato whisky, and slips him into her pocket*

Cuba it is, Sergeant Wolfie! I’ve actually forgotten your rank totally, sir, so I’ll just smile and admire the many many medals and hope you don’t mind, if that’s OK?

*hoists the wheel round and sets a course vaguely in the right direction*

I think I’ve gotten the hang of this driving thing a little more now actually. Starboard = right; port = in the drinks cabinet; aft or stern = the back; fore or bow = the front; bridge = where I’m standing at this very moment. See, I’ve been doing my homework! Promotion???

*grins hopefully in the captain’s direction but realises there’s no hope of attracting attention from that quarter, so goes back to humming with Bitofluff and steering by gesturing manically*

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“You’re my wife now…” Papa Lazarou
-The League of Gentlemen

[Wolfie]

*hic*

*belch*

*hic*

*Wolfie falls through the kitchen door back up onto deck. His eyes, well, aren't really there any more: Rather, they appear somewhat glassy, and seem to be experiencing great difficulty in focussing on anything. He is wearing a supercilious expression, and speech - something he is evidently working up to now - is being preceded by a goldfish-like working of the jaw muscles. He stares at no-one inparticular and slurs*

I seem *hic* to have dishcovered something *beclch* -

A raucus (that is to say - disagreably harsh and violent) singing, using very colourful language, wafts up the steps from the direction of the kitchen. It's Hanki's voice, only she seems to be using slightly more prosaic language than usual. She is singing a song involving a blond, a redhead, and three kilos of lard, amongst other things. All in all, the song is the sort of thing that would make Chaucer blush.

*Wolfie pauses, while the song reaches a crescendo, swaying quite precariously, then continues*

I have dish-dishcovered *hic* that potato shwiskey is-is *hic* really quite sssssssspiffing (this last is said so enthusiastically, that anyone standing within thirty feet is drenched in drivel. His nose is also turning a rather disturbing shade of purple) and-and ah ... uh ... whatzshwas I shaying? Oh, yesh, *hic* it's evensh shtronger than Scrollops Lobster Scrumpy, or Dr McGlue's Amber Enema ... Anywash, Hank-Hanki and *he rolls his eyes lugubriously* I have been shampling. Very, very good...

*Bursts out with a loud guffaw, then collapses face down on deck*

From the kitchen, there is a very loud and unseemly belch, followed by a giggle.

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I am the sunlight on the sides of houses.

[Charlie]

*hauls Wolfie off the deck and stuffs his head in the head. He emerges dripping but slightly more conscious than before, looks around blearily for a second and then collapses in a heap again*

Am I the only one on this ship who isn’t absolutely plastered?! Dammit. Well, they do say if you can’t beat ‘em… drink ‘em under the table!

*confiscates Hanki’s bottle of potato whisky and, after grimacing at the revolting taste, proceeds to down half of it*

Who’s up for a game of pin the tail on the Wolf?!!

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“You’re my wife now…” Papa Lazarou
-The League of Gentlemen

[supermus]

Man you guys must really like me. I wasn't executed for stowawaying, and I wasn't hanged for destroying your weoponry. Some seamen. By the way, I'm completely un-plastered at this moment, and kinda sea sick. GULP. WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?!?!

[Wolfie]

*Wolfie grins sheepishly at Charlie, and, feeling groggy, but basically okay, produces a pile of magazines and waves them at her. But they're not just any old magazines, oh no. Not to a Manic's fan, anyway.*

I have here, in my mortal hand, a pressie from my friend, who is just about the most fanatical collector of music anything. And he's having a turn out. So, I have a pile of Manic's articles circa Generation Terrorists ... The Disneyland article ... The Porn Interview with Nick Wire ... Interviews with Richie ... *gasps* What's this? A still attached mini poster of James, SHIRTLESS and tied up with rope? Oh, dear, such treats.

*Suddenly giggles maniacally, and scampers off to the crows nest to read all those treasures he'd missed first time around.*

Bliss. You can all pin as many tails on me as you like.

Charlie, there's room for two, if ya want. Nicky's waiting...

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I am the sunlight on the sides of houses.

[Charlie]

*rapidly overcomes her fear of heights, abandons the wheel and shoots up the mast to join Wolfie in the crow's nest*

OK, jealous now! And I offer humble apologies for stuffing your head in the head. I'll even brew you something nicer than potato whisky to drink if you let me see...

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“You’re my wife now…” Papa Lazarou
-The League of Gentlemen

[Katharyn]

Do I have to remind you drunkards that today is the Cabaret? The Captain slept in and missed all of the Aussie Friday it seems and so with so little of it left I pronounce this Cabaret Weekend on HMS Spoiler Free.

Welcome to the Show!

I hardly think that my own act is suitable for opening slot... so I shall vacate the floor and await the intrepid crew's performances whilst I check the quality of those veggies.

Katharyn...

Never work with children or animals... vegetables are ok then?

[Hanki]

*Hanki crawls out of the galley* what day is it? Caberet? today? that's now? *tries to stand up and fails miserably* i-i think i'm just gonna lie down here a lil and and i'll be out in a little while...

hey where's my potatoe whisky??

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Hannah's Home -- My Collective Creative Crap

"Thank you Professor Higgins, after one lesson I feel I can speak perfectly."

[Katharyn]

quote:

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Originally posted by Hanki:
i-i think i'm just gonna lie down here a lil and and i'll be out in a little while...

hey where's my potatoe whisky??

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So much for intrepid crewmembers...

Dare I mention the "P" word - promotions! Best performance gets a promotion and new responsibility in the future - you think that solves our problem Cap'n Ma'am?

Katharyn

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You hear that baby?quote:

[Hanki]

promotions?

*Hanki climbs to her feet and grabs her guitar she thrashes out a very drunken version of the buffy theme tune, then collapses in a heap*

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Hannah's Home -- My Collective Creative Crap

"Thank you Professor Higgins, after one lesson I feel I can speak perfectly."

[Forrister]

Thank you Hanki for your valiant effort under what appears to be rather adverse circumstances. (Gotta get some good Scottish single malt whiskeys in stock - those potatoes are real killers)

Ok - the curtain goes up, the stage is dark, and in the spotlight is a figure standing, wearing a top hat and tails. (Meeeeeee!!!!!)

The music swells - the stage lights go up revealing 20 (count em - 20!!) dancing girls in spangaly oufits with legs that go up to their bums and get cheeky.

We spend the next 10 minutes doing an all singing - all dancing medley of classic show tunes.

So - thats my bit. Sorry I can't do an encore - I promised to give the girls a tour of the ship.

Looking forward to the other acts though. lol

Non omnes qui habent citharam sunt citharoedi.
(Not all who own a lyre are lyre-players.)

[Katharyn]

quote:

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Originally posted by Forrister:
So - thats my bit. Sorry I can't do an encore - I promised to give the girls a tour of the ship.

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Before you go you promised you'd help me with my bit... the vegetable tricks...

*Katharyn and Kerry start a puppet show staring Marrow, Lettuce and Cucumber... iin sparkly outfits!*

To general stunned silence... See they're speechless... all that private rehearsal did pay off!

*Sets off with the Cap'n and the Dancing Girls*

Katharyn

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You hear that baby?quote:

[Wolfie]

A hushed silence decends upon the ship. The stage is in darkness.

Suddenly, a bass starts to rumble. A single spotlight appears on a figure, dressed incongruously in the following:

wing collar shirt and bow tie
Tuxedo jacket
Feather boa
sequinned knee-length skirt
42 lace DM's
Fender strat, in sonic blue, sporting some interesting graphics, which includes 2 pics of W/T (inc the Body kiss), the kittie graphics with Sandanista-style shadows behind, The Menin Road, by Paul Nash, A photo of John Lennon, by Astrid Kirschner(sp?), the cover of the Zappa album Weasels Ripped My Flesh, and the follwing statements:

Kill all tribute bands
Kiss your best friend
O praeclarum custodem ovium lupum (scribed by guess who)

The figure adopts a Pete Townsendian stance, then, with an apocolyptic crash of power chords, launches into the Manic's Motown Junk, followed by Watching Sunlight On The Sides Of Houses, Blueprint (written for all the lovelies on the kitten board), and finally, The Clash's Should I Stay Or Should I Go? with much moshing.

As the last chord dies away in a rush of feedback, Wolfie screams out "turn to the kitten on your left: Declare your undying Kitten love, and kiss, slow and lingering on the lips", before sauntering offstage to the ensuing welter of swiftly entwining limbs, and moans of pleasure.

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I am the sunlight on the sides of houses.

[Hanki]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Wolfie:
Fender strat, in sonic blue, sporting some interesting graphics, which includes 2 pics of W/T (inc the Body kiss), the kittie graphics with Sandanista-style shadows behind, The Menin Road, by Paul Nash, A photo of John Lennon, by Astrid Kirschner(sp?), the cover of the Zappa album Weasels Ripped My Flesh, and the follwing statements:

Kill all tribute bands
Kiss your best friend
O praeclarum custodem ovium lupum (scribed by guess who)

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nice guitar! i feel as if i have recovered enough for an encore...

what do you mean 'boo' ?

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Hannah's Home -- My Collective Creative Crap

"Thank you Professor Higgins, after one lesson I feel I can speak perfectly."quote:

[wolfwife]

Ooh the cabaret, I nearly forgot. OK, deep breaths... *struggles into costume*... calm thoughts...focus, focus...

A slow and sassy Hendrix type groove starts up (courtesy of Wolfie), and I appear wearing sparkly hipster troos, long shiny gloves, a tight sparkly jacket and a sparkly top hat. (Hey this is cabaret I can do sparkly if I want too!). Slowly I dance around the stage, gradually undoing the buttons on my jacket. The groove gets quicker and funkier... I suddenly whip off the jacket to reveal a pair of exceedingly long and sparkly nipple tassles!!!!!!!!! (and ample boobage!)

I begin. After much practising below decks I have perfected twirling to the left...woooooo, and twirling to the right...weeeee, and now with a bit of luck... left, right, left, right...woo-hoooooooo. Suddenly I get carried away with the excitment of the moment and lose my concentration. For a moment there is an awsome mess of boobage and tassles completely out of control!

I decide to end there, before injuring myself. Finally (as mentioned in the cabaret planning stages) the dancing girls flood the deck bearing huge trays of home baked chocolatey cakey goodness for all kitties.

I retire to a corner to cool down and get chocolatey!!

lol, Sharon

[KJ_Chicago]

I am really trying to stay spoiler-free. I have a co-worker that just blurts things out and I have to be strong and walk away.

Hmm, chocolate does sound good.

[Hanki]

i have an ex-friend like that (the ex part of it wasn't cuz of that though, i'll quickly add, lol) it's really anoying isn't it?

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Hannah's Home -- My Collective Creative Crap

"Thank you Professor Higgins, after one lesson I feel I can speak perfectly."

[Katharyn]

Well today is teh last day of the Cabaret Weekend and I have been impressed so far... I believe someone mentioned the finale was Timewarp? Got my Magenta costume...

Kathayrn

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You hear that baby?