A Moment of Truth

[Devi Crystalseeker]

Emms,

I hardly know you yet either, but...

*HUGS* <--- if you want them.

[Willow~Rosenberg]

Emms,

I just saw your post and I want to say you are in my thoughts. I hope that you can use this board to receive some support and love if your time of need. Take care, sweetie.

[Spighy]

Emms, add me to the people who hardly know you, but still feel like you're a dear friend. I know that everything we can offer you are just words, sadly there's nothing we can do to make it all better, but we're here surrounding you in kitten love... which is pretty amazing as far as kinds of love go. Take care,

Val

[oneyedchicklet]

After hearing about what happened to Heather (see crappy thread), I've been sitting here since I got home just thinking. I had a similar situation happen to me years ago. I've learned through time to put it in the back of my head. It's always been there but it has managed to work its way back to the surface. Since I got home a little while ago, I haven't turned on any lights or the TV. I've just been sitting here with the light from my computer the only illumination in my room. It's too horrible to even imagine it happening to anyone else. But in her case, to be stalked makes me think even harder. I will never understand the human race as long as I live.

As a mother, I try to protect my children from harm by telling them how to be safe. I urge them not to walk alone at night and to just stay in groups. From what I got from Amy, all she was doing was walking on her lunch by herself to "clear her head". I even offered Heather advice a few days ago not to walk to her car alone whether it was dark or not and to keep her keys in her hands with one key between her fingers. A technique that saved my life. I just don't understand how and why this could/would happen.

I am deeply sadened, upset and angry that this has happened. I urge all Kittens to be safe.

HUGS and LOVE
Barb

[SithLordWiccan]

Hearing about Heather's incident got me to do some serious thinking about myself. I'm not sure that many Kittens would realize it, but I come off as being rather obnoxious and rude sometimes online. I really don't mean to do it, and the medium of the internet has the inherent bias of muddling the meaning of words without the clever use of emoticons and knowledge of the person saying the words.

And although I come off as being confident, friendly and a swell fellow, there's one thing about me that makes me feel ashamed.

I'm afraid of life.

I know that, at 22 years old, it's a bit silly for me to be afraid of life, but when you're stuck at home, the love of your life lives on the other side of the world, life constantly bombards you with about a million reasons why it sucks and nothing really makes you think anything will change, I just can't help but think "Is this it? Is this all my life has to show for it?"

After a particular incident that happened months ago, I finally had a nervous breakdown and went to the doctors. I was classified as having obsessive compulsive disorder with depressive tendencies. I've felt depressed about one thing or another ever since I started college, but it's really gotten worse in the past year.

I guess I'm just really afraid to let people know about who I really am.

[Emms]

I just want to thank everyone who left a comment regarding my "moment of truth". All your kind words and thoughts meant/mean so much to me. It simply amazes me sometimes that so many wonderful, caring people can all be in one place...all here for each other whenever the need arises. You are all so special.

I would also like to thank everyone that sent me PMs (You know who you are) You all really brightened my day with your words and patience while I vented. Luv ya'll.

Val ~ Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Willow~Rosenberg ~ Thank you so much.

Devi Crystalseeker ~ Thank you for the hugs...they were muchly needed.

db ~ Thank you, Davya...and I'll commiserate with you anytime. Your words have helped me greatly. I can't thank you enough.

Sith~ (aka goodwill ambassador) Your kindness has not gone unseen. You are a great person, Alex.

dynigirl ~ Thank you for your prayers.

Betty-Jea ~ You've always been here for me whenever I needed support. Thank you so much, Jea...you are truly one of the finest people I know. I luv ya.

Thianne ~ Thank you, sweetie. Thank you for the song and taking the time to translate it for me... you are very sweet.

[Hers Always]

I don't know if this helps Sith, but I have NEVER thought you were obnoxious or rude. I think you are great. You've always seemed really quiet and unsure of yourself.

I suppose i'll share my moment of truth...it's not profound, but here it is... i feel guilty. My partner killed herself last year, but i was still able to move on. i think i am mad at her still. but i love who i am currently with. she is amazing, but i feel guilty for not grieving more, it still breaks my heart to think of her and i know that I'm only 20, but i just don't know what to think and my current partner is getting depressed bc she thinks that i don't love her as much...argh... i know my thoughts are jumbled but i'm kinda jumbled.

[Thianne]

moment of truth: i might be still in love with my straight best friend. i thought i got past that. i'm not sure. i mean, she's been the first person to make my heart literally stop, and i think that i'll always have some leftover feelings.....but if it's more than that? i can't admit it to my other friends, because thay've seen me hurt so much for her over this last 2 and a half years, and they would be.....sad. disappointed. and i.....even if i am still, i just don't want to be. i'm tired of hurting, i'm tired of not having any possibilities with her. i don't want to think about it....i hope it's going to pass soon

ETA: i forgot.....you're welcome emms. i hope you liked it

[kisstheviolets]

i might be still in love with my straight best friend. i thought i got past that.

it's funny you should post this thianne. i was thinking the exact same thing earlier this morning. i've been friends with someone for about fourteen years (which is probably not very encouraging if you were hoping for a timely resolution, thianne) and have gone through many of the things you alluded to in your post. she and i have even gotten physical on occasion. but after only having sporadic contact for five years during our mid-twenties, i thought i was over her by the time she came back into my life on a full-time basis. but here's the thing, i don't think i am. and i guess my moment of truth is that i know that i will always be affected by her in this way and that sometimes i really don't care - even though i know it's upset past girlfriends and will probably upset future ones. i just can't kick the habit.

[PancakesinBellies]

Emms (and db) -Though this comes late, I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers as you try to deal with such difficult situations. I know it's not easy.

Hers Always-I don't think that you should feel guilty. I know that you will always hold a special place in your heart (cliched as that sounds) for your partner, and I know that a part of you will always grieve for her. But that is not a good way to spend your life. I'm sure that she would want you to find happiness now that she's not here to search for it with you, and I think that you have been given a gift as well. To find love again is a wonderful thing, and it shows something special about you. Not that you are callous, or have done something wrong, or that your grief isn't or wasn't genuine, but that your heart is not only big enough to love again, but brave enough as well. You could simply close yourself away from all love or happiness for the rest of your life, but I think you've chosen the better path. And as to your worries about what your current partner might think, maybe you should just talk to her about it. Assure her of your love, and that you aren't letting the past rule the rest of your life. I know that she must love you greatly for this to affect her like it does, but you can't rid her of her insecurity on your own. She has to be willing to do that for herself, and accept that you can love two people at once and still be in love with only her.

Sith-I don't think you've ever come off obnoxious either. If the others here are like me, then they just think that you have a wry, biting sense of humor (like the rest of us).

Thianne and KTV- I hope that things get easier for you both. I've never been in the situation myself, but I can only imagine how difficult it must be. Best wishes.

Topic: I was diagnosed with clinical depression in high school and have been on one medication or another ever since. Like Sith, I sometimes hesitate to tell people about it or about some of the things it made me do. I'm doing much better now than I was then, but it can still be kind of frightening. I'm 22 now, and for the most part I've accepted that I'll have to take some form of medication for the rest of my life in order to function as a stable human being. Unfotunately, I don't think what I'm on is helping as much anymore. It worries me, because this has been the most effective of the medications that I've tried, but I don't think that they would up the dosage anymore (since they tell me that I'm on a high dosage anyway), so that means trying something new. I'm afraid that I'm never going to get any better than I am now, and I feel like I'm going to disappoint my loved ones when I have to tell them that I'm not doing so well anymore. I know that I'm just being silly, but I just hate how little control I have over my own feelings and behaviors sometimes because of some stupid chemical imbalance, and it makes me...anxious.

[oneyedchicklet]

Hi Everyone,
As most of you know, I haven't been around much the past few days except to post and update on Heather and Amy. I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I've been listening to a lot of music. I'm working on a project with my daughter by mixing a cd of her singing as I'm playing along either on piano or drums. I've been spending a lot of time by my brothers (since that's where my drums are). When I play, I feel good and it helps to release some pent up stress. I've also been spending every second with my kids that I can. They can find my darkest moment and turn on some light to show me what it is I have in my life to be happy about. My daughter will be 16 next week but she's not just my daughter, she's my best friend as well. I love you both Meghan and Kyle with everything I am and everything I have and you make me complete.
I'm not back here in full yet but I'm working on it. I have more pressing issues in my life that take priority. I would like to thank everyone who has left encouraging messages, PM's and those I've spoken to in IM's. I may not have met you all face to face, but I consider you among my friends and will treasure that and keep it with me always.
I love you all very much!!! From the bottom of my heart. Alabama does a song called "Angels Among Us" and at this board I have found many of them.

Angels Among Us
Alabama

I was walking home from school on a cold winter day
Took a shortcut through the woods and I lost my way
It was gettin' late I was scared and alone
Then a kind old man took my hand and led me home
Mama couldn't see him though he was standing there
But I knew in my heart he was the answer to my prayers

CHORUS

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give
To guide us with the light of love

When life held trounled time and had me down on my knees
There's always been someone to come along and comfort me
A kind word from a stranger to lend a helping hand
A phone call from a friend just to say I understand
Now ain't it kind of funny at the dark end of the road
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope

(REPEAT CHORUS)

They wear so many faces
Show up in the strangest places
To grace us with their mercies
In our time of need

(REPEAT CHORUS)

Guide us with a light of love

HUGS,
Barb

[Candleshoe]

No man is an island, entire of itself;
Every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were,
As well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were.
John Donne

This community never ceases to amaze me, and every day I become a stronger, braver and prouder woman because of it.

[DelWhicker]

That was wonderfully said, Miss Shoe. I'm sure it speaks for quite a few of us here. Thank you.

[oneyedchicklet]

That was wonderfully said, Miss Shoe. I'm sure it speaks for quite a few of us here. Thank you.

I couldn't agree more with Del and Miss Shoe. Thank you Miss Shoe.

HUGS
Barb

[umgaynow]

Emms,

I know I don't really know you and I certainly know nothing of your girlfriend...but based on what I have seen of your amazing mind on this board...I find you fascinating...I read your posts and think this is someone I'd really like to know...a thought that occurs to me rather less often than one might imagine (see past post on my hermit type behavior) all I can think is this woman must be blind...metaphorically speaking...or a fool...courage, darlin'...time and perspective do wonders {{{{kittenhugz}}}}

Sandi

[HOPE REIGNS]

OK, OK,

Moment of truth.......

Yes, it is my butt, but (hehe) I work very hard for that butt. Or at least they make me work hard for it (we have 5K Friday's every week -running).

Now that we have established that, it is really hard for me to keep it up there even though I have had many compliments, because I honestly have no confidence in my appearance, including said butt.

So, why did I put it out for all to see, for a friend in need .

And I keep it up there because I know that I should have the confidence in myself to say who cares what other people think, just so I feel good about myself. And, I really am trying to find that part of me.

And I know that this has gotten pretty deep all over the question of who's butt is it, but this is the moment of truth thread right.

Thank you for listening, and yes you can now resume staring, you have my permission.

Anna

[Thianne]

Anna, self-confidence comes from practice, so i think you're doing a really good job now keeping that up. *hugs*

[Emms]

You and your butt ROCK, Anna... butt confidence is where it's at, sweetie.

[oneyedchicklet]

Yes Anna....confidence is the name of the game. We don't bite (well unless you ask us nicely). There is no reason to feel shy around us. And I'm really lovin the butt. Oh, have I mentioned that before...sorry. It is quite nice though.

HUGS
Barb

[db]

Yay for butt pride and positive reinforcement.

BTW no need to feel shy, you have a very nice tushy.

[HOPE REIGNS]

VALE- I'm good at following rules, and I'll certainly try here. Practice practice practice, got it.

EMMS- Thank you gorgeous tee-hee oh hell,

BARB- Thank you sweetie, you know I wouldn't be here without ya. And yes, you have mentioned it I think, but that's ok, reinforcement is always good.

db- See, I didn't caps your name Thank you for your reinforcement and postive uh comments

Thanks, this is about more than what some people are probably thinking.
*geesh, it's just a butt, get over it* or maybe not, butt thanx.

Anna

[umgaynow]

Anna -

Be proud of your butt and be glad that you have one...I'm like two saltines back there...if it weren't for my ginormous breasts and womanly hips I'd think I was meant to be a man

[kivrin]

hey moment of truth! I had a big big....well, extrasized moment of truth yesterday! I told my mum all about my therapy (I was depressed for some months so i went to the doctor) and we talked openly about my girlfriend too. it was weird but i told my mom that thing about my stuttering that almost nobody knows....and today i'm feeling bold!
you know what? I'm very shy and I always thought I stutered when I was nervous but...it isn't completely true. the doctor concluded that I've got no problems with pronunciation nor with vocabulary or shyness. he told me that my brain works far faster than a human mouth could, and he had noticed that sometimes I say the first syllable from a word and the last one from the second word, ans that's why people doesn't get what I'm saying. well he encouraged me to write after some psycology tests because he said that I'd provably get to say averything in my head faster.
there you got it....I'm a freak. as my girlfriend would say...I've got a stuttering-babbling problem. but as you were saying self confidence is the only key to lots of problems.

[Thianne]

why a freak? i'd say you're special and that you think way faster than me, but that doesn't make you a freak. quite the opposite, actually, IMHO

*hugs*

[Saena]

Hmm, a Moment of Truth thread. I probably need this sort of space more than I'm currently willing to admit, especially since after reading through this thread (in one sitting, go me) I thought of several things I could do with confessing about myself. But I'm never on the internet for very long at one time these days- school has wireless, but home has dial up, and I'm sharing it with the rest of the family- so you'll have to get it in installments.

Way back earlier in the thread, someone mentioned how they were a writer who didn't do much reading or writing, and how ironic that was. Well, I can relate. I've known for at least six years now that I've wanted to be a writer, and I get no shortage of ideas. I even go so far as to think that they are good ideas, and that I could possibly even handle them pretty well. But I am absolutely horrible at writing stories consistently. What I'm learning is that I probably shouldn't post a story online unless I have at least five chapters written beforehand, because I am so slow in writing things that I usually stall just as people are starting to read it. Additionally, for some stories I am never, ever satisfied with the way each chapter turns out. Even when people say "That's pretty good", I still feel like it doesn't sound the way I want it to. It's one of my greatest sources of annoyance with myself. Usually during school vacations, I come home and start writing immediately, much quicker then I'm able to do at school. But I've been in a rut since May. It's not good, and I really want to just start producing work again.

I also am the slowest reader known to man. I actually noticed that this occurred as a drastic change just as I finished my junior year of high school. I could read fast enough- at least out loud- up until junior year. Then, as the year went on, something must have happened to my concentration level, because the summer after junior year I noticed that even when reading out loud, I felt like I wasn't really focusing. It's gotten to the point where I'm embarrassed about how long it takes me to read through books. I love to read, it's one of my favorite things ever. But it takes me so long to finish a book that it's disheartening for me. I can't think of any way to fix it, especially since it's been two years and nothing has really changed.

Believe me, more Confessions by Saena will come. I'm just rambling and running out of time simultaneously. Stay tuned.

Saena

[Gatito Grande]

Do I get dumped because I deserve it?

Am I too quick to compartmentalize people into "Friends" *OR* "Lovers" categories? (Is that why I can never "be friends w/ an ex"?)

Do I "never see it coming", because I was insufficiently caring for the other person before? (Or after, for that matter)

Is my pain, following a break-up, really more to do w/ my own pride?

GG And am I saying all this, as "thinking aloud" to myself, or as if it could make a difference to anyone else? Out

Dammit, why can't I stop OVERTHINKING things???

[LtSticks]

GG I know exactly how you feel there. *hugs*

Oh gods, here's my moment of truth.

I feel like I need to escape from reality, on a near permanent basis. I don't even know why I should feel like that, I'm in a decent home situation, I have a steady job in between being a student, and I have good friends. I know that I'm anxious half the time, worried about little things, and I don't exactly have the best opinion of myself. I feel like every step I took toward being more confident, since I moved to university 3 years ago, has just been blown away, and I'm back to being, I don't know, weak or something.

It hasn't helped that every girl I've been in a relationship has ended up completely using me :(

[Candleshoe]

I handed my notice in at work today. I will be leaving on the 17th October, and I'm almost positive that this is the best decision I have ever made.

A scary decision, certainly, and one that will affect my entire future.

But still the best one...because in 3 months time I will be The Boss.

[Leaf]

Congradulations Ms. Shoe! That is so very exciting!

[kisstheviolets]

i have a lot of really great friends who i see all the time, yet i am constantly overwhelmed by loneliness.