The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 12:02 pm 
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7. Teeny Tinkerbell Light

Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:19 pm
Posts: 583
Hi, folks...I'm reprinting the first episode of this series, which was the x-mas special. Then I'm adding a new one (thanks to watty for the once over). Enjoy.

~Cyd

[hr]

Special Friends
Episode 1: A Very Special Christmas


Rating: R

Disclaimer: BTVS, Super Friends, an altered Spiderman theme song, old Japanese Godzilla movies, and the 50 other places I ripped something off from or mocked are not owned by me. No posting this elsewhere without my permission.

Author's Notes/Feedback: This was originally written for Once More, With Fruitcake: A Very Holiday Series

Challenge Elements: Rigging up lights, cooking/baking, and two turtle doves

Summary: There is a threat to Christmas that has to be stopped by the only two lesbian heroes super enough for the job.

[hr]

Something nefarious was brewing inside the headquarters of the Legion of Impractical Malice in the land of Snowydale.

A plot to destroy Christmas was afoot!

“Heh…wouldn’t it be cool to get back at all the people who won’t give us presents this year before Christmas even happens?” a total, irreparable asshat named Warren asked.

“But isn’t that like…everyone?” Jonathan, a dark haired manboy whose height suspiciously resembled a garden gnome, replied.

“That would be cool,” the third conspirator, Andrew, responded as he gazed longingly at the asshat.

The question then turned to how…Warren sat with his chin in his hand while Jonathan and Andrew played with their Babylon 5 action figures.

Just when it looked like nothing wicked would come from the initial thought, a simple commercial gave them the answer…curse the TV!

It was fifty seconds that tested the very limits of good taste and sanity. It featured brainwashed children singing cloyingly, horrible versions of songs.

Yes, it was an advert for a wretched Kidz Bop Christmas CD.

“One the second day of Christmas my true love gave to meeeeee....”

“Aha!” Warren proclaimed proclaimingly. He turned to see that Jonathan and Andrew both had Star Trek phasers pointed under their chins and were trying very hard to put themselves out of their misery. They failed to realize they were plastic toys. Warren rolled his eyes and cut off the TV. They abruptly stopped, placing the memorabilia back on their limited edition stands.

“We’ll take over the town with two turtle doves. No one will expect them to be evil!” the asshat announced.

Jonathan raised an eyebrow.

“We’ll attach mind control mechanisms and then flood them with particles from our mega size increase-y ray gun,” he added, using the most scientific name they had come up with for their latest doomsday weapon.

Jonathan still had his eyebrow raised but nodded anyway.

He could do both.

He had little to worry about, in any event, because he knew that he was so small that he could crawl into a thicket until this failed apocalypse came and went. He wasn’t sure why they kept trying to take over the world…the Special Friends stopped them at every impasse.

Andrew could only admire the way Warren commanded so authoritatively.
“So, what do you say boys? Let’s set our two turtle doves of evil amok on Snowydale.”

They then began a series of hand gestures that signified their solidarity…or something.

“TWO TURTLE DOVES OF EVIL!” They all three victoriously cheered.

---------------------------------------


Andrew sighed dreamily as he went to the local pet store to find the two turtle doves. He was very happy that Warren gave him such an important mission.

“I need two turtle doves, pronto.”

The owner misunderstood his request, handing him a brass cage with one box turtle and one snow white dove instead. Andrew didn’t ask any questions.

After all, he didn’t know what a turtle dove was anyway.

When he returned to the basement lab of the Legion of Impractical Malice, Jonathan had already set the doomsday weapon to ‘kick ass big’. Neither was sure what that meant, but it sounded cool.

Andrew put the two animals in a clear isolation box and yelped when both the turtle and dove bit him as he transferred them out of the cage.

Jonathan cut on the switch, but…GASP…that’s when catastrophe occurred. His wussy little hands couldn’t hold the cumbersome device and it twisted into the air haphazardly, knocking the box filled with dove and turtle-y goodness into the gene mixing chamber.

The gene mixing chamber that someone left on despite the friendly reminders that came in the mail from the electric service to conserve energy.

What resulted, from that little bit of careless kilowatt usage, was a turtle with a dove’s head and wings on back of its shell. When the flailing gun fell to the ground and hit this new creature, a fifty foot terror was born. It rose through the basement, into the first and second floors of the headquarters of the Legion – otherwise known as the house of Andrew’s mom.

The giant mutant turtle dove’s white feathered head poked out from its newly acquired shell. It began eating the first thing in sight, which happened to be Andrew’s Scott Bakula Christmas calendar collection. The blonde man began to scream like Ned Flanders.

Hopefully, that would teach Andrew not to leave genetic mixing machines running willy-nilly.

Warren was driving his black make-out van a couple blocks from the Legion. He called it his make out van though it was still technically tongue free…unless he counted that time when Andrew…

His line of thought went to the fifty foot mutant turtle dove just ahead in the street when he saw the fifty foot mutant turtle dove just ahead in the street. An alternate thought could have been how to get urine off of the driver’s seat, but the asshat took his thoughts one at a time.

He looked over at the bag in the passenger’s seat containing parts for the mind control device and silently cursed his bumbling associates.

Perhaps, this would teach the asshat to write the plan on a Post-it before he went out and spent 49.99 at Mind Control’s-R-Us. Other people referred to that insidious warehouse of horror as Wal-mart.

The time for learning lessons would have to wait, though, as the beast began destroying a ten foot tall tap dancing and singing reindeer, crushing it quite flat with its huge turtley legs with talons.

There was really only one thing for all the peace loving citizens to wonder.

Who could save Snowydale from such a beast on a rampage?

---------------------------------------


The next morning, at the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality, the Special Friends were in varying states of duress…and undress.

Captain Tea Cozy adjusted his glasses occasionally as he read the morning newspaper. It was filled with their failed attempts at stopping the latest foe. He wondered what could be done about the fifty foot monster leveling their fair city.

“Whatever shall we do about the fifty foot monster leveling our fair city?” he asked.

Cowboy Guy put back on the ten gallon hat he had been waving enthusiastically and jumped off his mechanical bull, his black chaps and codpiece only outshone by the shiny star pinned to his open leather vest that showed off his chest. “I could try to immobilize the hostile with my Cattle Prod of Truth again,” he offered, his country accent twanging.

“You need a longer prod, mate,” Nancy Gym Bunny replied with a shake of his peroxide blonde hair. His abs rippled and glistened with oil as he primped and flexed. “Whatever we try, it should be a rear attack.”

“You would say that,” Overt Sexuality Gal replied, stretching her arms over her head in boredom. The nice accentuation of her rack did not go unnoticed by the person sitting next to her. Overt Sexuality Gal placed her hand on the blonde’s thigh and squeezed…well, overtly. She was a 'what you see is what you get' kinda gal.

Princess Repression gasped and recoiled at the touch. Secretly, her heart beat furiously. “Stop that,” she said even as she slightly leaned forward, unconsciously asking for more. “You shouldn’t do that because it’s wrong.”

“There are really only two people we can call,” Captain Tea Cozy lamented as he put down the paper.

Everyone came to an abrupt halt, which was okay in the conference room, but could’ve led to a nasty fender bender on a highway.

“You mean…? But didn’t they go down to explore the Cave of Non-Stop Sapphic Monkey Love?”

“Mmmm, yes,” Overt Sexuality Gal replied. “But they really are the only Special Friends for the job.”

“But how will we reach them?” Nancy Gym Bunny pondered.

Captain Tea Cozy finished the last of his morning cup - that signaled it was time for action. “Cowboy Guy…get on the Rainbow Phone. We need the Wonder Lesbians.”

---------------------------------------


Meanwhile at the Cave of Non-Stop Sapphic Monkey Love, the Wonder Lesbians’ secluded vacation spot, two scintillating ladies were currently busy with matters at hand. And mouth.

The Rainbow Phone of Integrity rang, playing the Wonder Lesbian theme:

Lesbians, Wonder Lesbians
Do whatever lesbians can
Transform into robots, any size,
Catch the villains in their hot disguise
Look out!
Here come the lesbians.


A huffy redhead poked her head out from under the blankets, disgruntling the blonde writhing flat on her back upon the mattress.

“Ooohhhhh, honey, phone…can…wait,” Tara complained disjointedly as she took a firm grip on the back of her lover’s head and pushed her back down where she was needed most.

“Okay, but if an evildoer evades justice while I’m….mmmphh,” Willow’s mouth suddenly found other things to do for a moment.

“Hi, you’ve reached the Wonder Lesbians…to leave a non-emergency message for Willow Rosenberg - press 1...to leave a non-emergency message for Tara Maclay - press 2…if this is Good Vibrations confirming an order – press 3…if you need assistance stopping an apocalypse - press the pound key…”

“Willow? Tara? Are you there?” Cowboy Guy’s voice rang over the intercom in the den of love.

“Oh, yes…right there,” Tara moaned as she ground her hips harder into Willow’s questing tongue and mouth.

“Sorry to interrupt your vacation, but we have a hostile situation. Can you get over to the Hall in an hour?”

“Yeeeeeeeeessssssss!” Tara cried, her back arching as spasm after spasm flowed over her.

“Good…we’ll see you then.”

Willow poked her head out from under the covers once more and asked, “Was that the phone?”

Tara looked at her lover blearily as Willow cuddled into her side.

“Hmm…what about the phone?”

---------------------------------------


Thirty minutes later, after listening to the phone message and taking a rather steamy shower, the Wonder Lesbians arrived at the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality by way of the Plane of Invisibility and/or Interdimensional Transport. Willow, an accomplished scientist and inventor, built the plane especially for their travels, though she was forced to repair a few glitches that caused nosebleeds on the first few flights.

As they entered the conference room, it was easy to see that they were well-equipped. Each wore their spandexy goodness costumes - Willow’s was green with blue piping while Tara’s was blue with green piping. Each had a pink triangle on the chest and in the center of it were the pink letters ‘W’ and ‘L’ interposed over one another.

Willow couldn’t help but slide her hand over the smooth fabric on Tara’s hip and give a playful squeeze. Tara slapped it away nonchalantly.

“Business before pleasure.” Tara reminded with a smile.

“Can’t we do both?” Willow responded cutely, armed with a pout. The blonde pinched her butt in reply.

“Hiiiiii!” Willow eeped to her superhero compatriots, who had just noticed their arrival. She turned and mock scowled her partner.

“What’s the situation?” Tara asked with an innocent shrug though a trace of a smirk remained on her face.

Cowboy Guy lifted up the front page of the Snowydale Herald to show a headline that read ‘Monster Crushing Snowydale: Destroying Christmas Spirit One Child at a Time’.

“A fifty foot monster is overrunning the city, destroying stands of overpriced Hickory Farms box sets and year round Christmas boutiques.”

“Well, I wouldn’t have guessed that one,” Tara mused.

“No kidding, baby.”

“We set up what footage we could ascertain in your lab.” Captain Tea Cozy added helpfully.

“Okay…then we’ll get to it,” Willow replied just before seeing Tara saucily raise her eyebrow. “And by it…I mean we’ll solve the mystery of the big nasty.” Tara barely suppressed a giggle. “I mean we’ll stop the menacing menace destroying the town.”

Willow stuck her tongue out at her lover who sent her a look that flew beyond saucy and went into the naughty sector. The redhead drew her eyes down her lover’s body and then wondered why Tara’s outfit had to be so gosh darn tight.

She had to admit 99% of the time it was good her partner was such a sex fiend. It was that other 1% that drove Willow crazy with frustration.

---------------------------------------


Willow and Tara watched the footage of the monster as it attacked a greeting card aisle at a shopping mall, destroying the ‘Merry Christmas Eve’ and the ‘Happy Day Before Christmas Eve’ cards with a stomp of its foot.

“It seems to target holiday atrocities,” Tara deduced, being the animal behaviorist of the two. She was now wearing her white lab coat and glasses…mostly because Willow had thrown them on her so she could get some work done with less distraction. Willow had also put her own lab coat and glasses on for good measure. Tara sighed, still feeling horny from their interrupted vacation. Science geek Willow was just as hot as the superhero edition.

“My genetic scanner is processing the samples taken from the last…hissy fit,” Willow said with a distasteful look. The mutant turtle shed a talon just after it took a power dump on a giant singing Frosty the Snowman in the Snowydale City Park. Now when the attraction tried to sing its monotonous tune, it sounded like a demonic warble.

The large processing computer helpfully labeled ‘Wonder Lesbian Analyzer’ blinked and dinged before a tiny yellow index card appeared from a slot at waist level.

“It’s made of fifty percent box turtle and fifty percent dove…someone is using genetics for evil!”

“Honey…there’s only one band of villains maniacal enough to use genetics for evil,” Tara deduced aloud, which was very helpful for Willow.

“McDonald’s?”

“Based in Snowydale, dear…”

“The Legion of Impractical Malice! When will they learn that tampering with nature is just…just unnatural?” Willow began to pace and start a tirade, but was halted by a special view screen cutting on to show Nancy Gym Bunny’s pinched face.

“Oh bollocks…I must have dialed the wrong number, ladies,” he mumbled.
“Wait,” Willow replied as she removed her glasses and motioned for Tara to do the same.

“Oh…it’s you, Wonder Lesbians,” he realized as their secret identities were removed.

“We’ve just learned that the Legion of Impractical Malice created the monster terrorizing the town. We need you and the rest of the Special Friends to capture them. Tara and I will take care of the mutant.”

“THE LEGION OF IMPRACTICAL MALICE!” Nancy Gym Bunny shouted loudly…as opposed to quietly, which would have been less of a shout and more of a whisper.

Tara turned to her lover with in surprise. “You mean we’re going to use the…”

“Oh, yeah…the big guns will be just the thing to demutanize our little animal friends. Can you guys take care of the Legion?”

“Those boys need a good spanking…” Nancy Gym Bunny’s eyes glazed over.

“Hmm…I think we lost him,” Tara noted.

Willow slipped off Tara’s lab coat and they began making out.

---------------------------------------


It wasn’t hard to find the fifty foot mutant turtle dove. After all, there was only one atrocity in Snowydale truly atrocious enough to attract such a beast - the twenty-five foot tall lighted Santa Claus holding a baby Jesus in one arm and a menorah in the other. It was sitting on top of the Doublemeat Palace downtown.

Willow was having a hard time focusing on their stakeout, though, mostly because Tara was sitting behind the redhead, dragging her nails up and down a costume clad thigh.

“When will this damn thing get here already?” Willow complained.
“Hmmm…someone’s impatient…” Tara purred, the breath tickling Willow’s ear. Just before Tara could flick her tongue over the slowly reddening with attention earlobe, the giant mutant turtle dove stomped towards them from the distance.

“About time…ready for action, baby?” Willow asked as she held out her hand.

Tara took the hand and stood, her rack bouncing slightly…much to the appreciation of the redhead.

“Always.”

“Then let’s do it…”

“WONDER LESBIAN POWERS ACTIVATE! SHAPE OF A BOTZILLA!” they both yelled, transforming into a fifty foot tall womanly shaped robot with shiny armor plating and two large breast cannons.

The turtle managed to pluck the giant lighted decoration off the roof during the transformation process and bit off Santa’s head.

Botzilla grabbed the lights strung around a nearby bank tower and formed a make shift lasso. It ensnared the turtle on the first throw, being that the mutant was a.) fucking huge b.) fucking slow and c.) the wonder lesbians were fucking awesome.

Botzilla ran around the block of the Doublemeat Palace, wrapping the mutant’s wings up tight before it had a chance to fly away. Then, one of the mechanical arms let go of the makeshift lasso and rubbed a breast causing a metal nipple to jut out of the armor plating and fire a green laser. The laser hit the giant monster, shrinking it into a much less scary box turtle size mutant. Botzilla caught the lights before they fell to the ground and broke. A rub of the other breast caused a second nipple to extend and fire a red ray that demutanized the monster into two cute pet store type animals. The dove flew away and the box turtle began a slow crawl to the Snowydale State Forest just down the street.

Baby…we better fix this before we leave, Willow thought telepathically. Botzilla collected the large string of lights and rehung them with care before becoming their human lesbiany selves again.

---------------------------------------


Over at the annual Snowydale Christmas Comic Book Convention, Warren and Andrew were standing in line to get tickets to enter.

“It’s too bad Jonathan had to go hide in that thicket again,” Warren said with a shrug.

“Yeah, but that just gives us more time to be together,” Andrew replied with a sigh.

“Great.”

The crowd was suddenly dispersed and the good townspeople cheered at the appearance of the Special Friends.

“Legion of Impractical Malice…no good will ever come of evil and badness - cos it’s just wrong!” Princess Repression announced with her hands on her hips.

“Hey…we better get out of here,” Warren said as he started to turn and run.

“Stop! Behold the power of my Blinding Flash,” Overt Sexuality Gal said as she ripped open her top, exposing her rack to the populace. Everyone in the area was riveted in place, unable to move.

“The Clean n’ Jerk of Justice!” Nancy Gym Bunny yelled as he heaved a barbell at Andrew. It was a direct shot to the back of the head and he fell unconscious.

“Sleepy Time Tea,” Captain Tea Cozy primly stated as two streams of tepid tea shot from the special compartments attached to his wrist just under his cardigan. Warren woozily wobbled back and forth before succumbing to slumber in a heap on the ground.

Cowboy Guy fired up his Cattle Prod of Truth, but Captain Tea Cozy put up his hand to halt him. “Let me take care of those two,” he ordered. Cowboy Guy reluctantly handed them over.

---------------------------------------


Captain Tea Cozy stirred and tasted his secret recipe of cranberry pears with an approving nod. There was much to be happy about – Christmas had been saved just in time for his Special Friends’ Christmas Eve dinner party.

“Wow, Capt., that’s a lot of meat you’ve got,” Overt Sexuality Gal said with a smirk as she sat down, grabbing a handful of specially carved slices from a serving plate and stuffing them in her mouth.

“You shouldn’t eat like that…it’s wrong,” Princess Repression said as she picked up a plate and used all the appropriate utensils to fill her plate with exact serving size portions.

“Wow…that is a lot of meat, Captain,” Cowboy Guy commented as he picked up a plate. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you cooked us up Warren and Andrew.”

The group laughed in a victorious, cheesy sort of way as Captain Tea Cozy politely refused to comment.

“Yeah, soylent holiday dinner is made of people,” Willow joked as she took a sip of eggnog.

“Good thing we’re vegetarians then,” Tara added cheerfully as she intertwined her hand with Willow’s.

The rest of the Special Friends dug into the plethora of meat happily…mirroring the dozens of other Snowydale citizens who were also enjoying a good, safe meal without a side helping of wickedness.

---------------------------------------


Meanwhile Jonathan slowly opened the door of the Legion of Impractical Malice, having just returned from his thicket.

“Hey? Is anybody here?”

He was met with a strange silence.

---------------------------------------


At that exact moment, just across town at the Snowydale City Park, two men were doing their duty for the citizens of the town.

“Ewww…Warren…this stinks,” Andrew complained.

“Just keep shoveling,” Warren barked back.

The giant Frosty warbled.

---------------------------------------


The next morning Willow and Tara arrived back at the Cave of Non-Stop Sapphic Monkey Love, eager to continue their winter escapades.

“Ohhhhh…Merry Christmas, Tara,” Willow screamed…the first of many climaxes that did indeed christen a happy holiday.


THE END


Last edited by hermitfish on Wed Dec 20, 2006 10:27 am, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 12:06 pm 
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19. Yummy Face
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Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 1:15 pm
Posts: 3069
Location: Chicago Suburbs
WOOT!!!!!

:bounce :applause :bounce :applause

:bow :bow :bow :bow

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Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested. --Francis Bacon, Essay~~Of Studies
"goblets and giblets and gimlets and gremlins." -- AntigoneUnbound

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 12:11 pm 
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30. Sweaty and Kinda Gay
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Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 7:17 am
Posts: 5210
Location: Oregon
I'd like to second car's Woot! and add a tee-hee of my own. I'm giddy with excitement! :happycry

xoxo
Emms

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 Post subject: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 12:25 pm 
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7. Teeny Tinkerbell Light

Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 2:19 pm
Posts: 583
Special Friends
Episode 2: The Curse of the Wicked at Heart


Rating: R

Disclaimer: BTVS, Super Friends, Batman, and anything else I ripped off or mocked are not owned by me. No posting this elsewhere without my permission.

Summary: There is a threat to Valentine’s Day that has to be stopped by the only two lesbian heroes super enough for the job.

[hr]

Deep within a mansion on the outskirts of Snowydale, a question could be heard by anyone loitering around just outside.

“Why is the world SO gay?”

Bystanders would have been unable to see the source of such pondering, however, as the room was dark. It was much like the temperament of the man himself.

“All through town ladies are paired off with one another…shopping in the co-op, raising well-adjusted children...even obtaining marriage licenses with full civil privileges. Oh, what’s the world coming to?”

The man stood and a crack of thunder and lightning from no discernible force illuminated the swirl of his long black leather jacket.

“With all this gaiety, what’s a single man to do for Valentine’s Day?”

Suddenly the lights cut on in the room, as they tend to do when someone flips the switch.

“Who are you talking to, boss?” A dark-haired, immature jokester, long under the clutches of treacherous thrall, asked.

“Butt Monkey! You ruined my dramatic monologue.”

“Sorry, Mr. Broodypants…do you want me to cut it off so you can restart?”

“No, I’m out of flair now.” He said with a touch of hissy in his voice. “I’d never be able to get it back up again.”

Mr. Broodypants tried to run a hand through his hair but nicked his palm on the pointy, unwavering spikes held into place by gallons of hair gel.

“Ah…blood!” He cried out.

Butt Monkey pulled a handkerchief out of his back pocket and dabbed away the red droplet, well aware of his master’s hemophilia.

“Has my package arrived?” Mr. Broodypants asked as the dizziness passed.

“Yes, boss. I’ll take you to it.”

Butt Monkey led him to the courtyard just outside the front entrance. There was a large crate stamped with a return address of the Christian Coalition. “Do you want to know what my package is, Butt Monkey? It may be useful knowledge if you are questioned during my scheme.”

“Yes, boss.” Butt Monkey replied as he grabbed a fly out of mid air and snacked on it.

Mr. Broodypants unveiled his package with a flourish that would have left anyone watching with a number of questions. It contained a ten foot statue of blazing gold.

“This is Homophobicon…a mystical effigy that will be unleashed upon the world with…” Mr. Broodypants looked around confused.

“Where is the Rod of Conformity?”

“You mean this?” Butt Monkey asked as he pulled a small object from the straw at the bottom of the crate and slowly unwrapped the cloth covering.

“Don’t touch my rod, Butt Monkey! I don’t want it to go off prematurely.” Mr. Broodypants exclaimed as he snatched away the rod and uncovered it, stroking it once before showing it to his servant. He then pulled a small vial from his coat pocket.

“The Rod of Conformity, combined with this vial of acidic spittle from Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, will activate the glorious Homophobicon and it will brainwash all the gay out of the homosexuals in town. Then, I will be able to date anyone I choose.” He explained. Especially Princess Repression, he added internally, much to the delight of the readers who wanted to figure out what the point of all this is.

He quickly became excited by his thoughts and popped the cork on his vial of doom. It looked disgusting and smelled horrid, which was no surprise, and Mr. Broodypants quickly poured it on the tip of the rod as it hissed and crackled. He then moved to Homophobicon, cupping a cheek before shoving the Rod of Conformity up its ass.

A disturbing green glow filled the gold creature’s eyes as it became activated.

“She’ll be mine now!” He cackled as another roll of thunder and lightning lit the sky ominously.

---------------------------------------


Just at that moment, in a bar called The Bucking Bronco, a ripply man in chaps staggered slightly as did many of the other more colorful patrons. Cowboy Guy shrugged his shoulders, wondering why he was there, and then decided to take a trip down the block to The Bleeder’s Den, a girly club known for their vampire-like dancers.

---------------------------------------


In a flat across town, a shout of “Bugger this!” could be heard as The History of Tea Service was thrown to the floor in a defiant manner.

---------------------------------------


Nancy Gym Bunny lifted barbells in front of a full length mirror at the twenty-four hour gym. They fell from his hands with a thud as he tried to shake off the haze.

“Oh, heavens,” he gasped, wondering where he had misplaced his white poofy shirt.

---------------------------------------


Overt Sexuality Girl finished her beer bong with bow, accompanied by cheers from her newest boy and girl toys before feeling a little woozy and having to rest her head. When she lifted it once more, she noticed her skimpy top and the group fawning over her and she ran from the premises in a state of shock.

---------------------------------------


Princess Repression yawned daintily as her eyes opened in the dark of night. Just as she turned over, knowing that she needed to get six more hours of sleep to be properly rested, a strange wave passed over her and she suddenly felt a different urge.

A sour taste formed in her mouth as she saw the snow white silk pajamas she was wearing. She headed to Overt Sexuality Girl’s closet to find some leather.

---------------------------------------


Even in the Super Vixen Bed, the place of many of the Wonder Lesbian’s most spectacular triumphs, two women were pulling away from their comfy embrace and turning to opposite sides of the bed in their slumber.

---------------------------------------


Tara woke feeling off, which was not nearly as rewarding as getting off. But as she turned to her redheaded lover, curled in a tight ball, she found that even getting off didn’t seem that great an alternative this morning.

She skipped her usual morning kiss to Willow’s forehead and went to shower.

Willow uncurled and stood as she heard the bathroom door close. She felt…anxious? Anxious that Tara would kiss her?

Seconds later, as opposed to seconds before – which would have screwed up the narrative timeline, Tara returned to the bedroom wearing only a towel. Willow inched backwards unconsciously.

“Willow…what’s wrong?

As Willow’s big super sciency brain truly pondered the question, while her eyes maneuvered away from the lush curves of her scantily clad partner, she made a startling revelation.

“I feel kinda queer. Or rather not queer. Does that make sense?”

“Well, thank goodness it’s not just me then,” Tara replied with relief.

“I knew something was wrong," Tara continued. "We have a connection forged by the power of amazing, soul fulfilling orgasms...why in the world did I think that I had to cover myself to return to the bedroom to get a robe? And how is it possible that I don’t want to…” Shemotioned at the bed, feeling too shy to say the words.

“It must be the same reason why I don’t want to rip that towel from your body and pin you to the wall…something truly heinous has happened. We better get to the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality.” She noticed the word homosexuality felt strange on her tongue…much like she suspected Tara would feel at that moment. Willow decided they better hurry.

---------------------------------------


The Hall of Rampant Homosexuality was aptly mistitled as the Wonder Lesbians entered on this fateful morning.

Captain Tea Cozy was sitting haphazardly on a couch, a young blonde girl looped on each arm. His usual cardigan and tweed trousers were missing, replaced by a white t-shirt and tight black jeans. He was smoking a cigarette from a pack rolled in his shirt sleeve.

Cowboy Guy had forgone his normal attire too, wearing a black business suit with a crisp white shirt and blue tie. His arm and neck itched from his new found biting fetish.

Nancy Gym Bunny was standing at a podium, reciting bad couplets off the top of his dark blonde curly head, his peroxide job missing without a trace.

“How I yearn for you, Princess Repression,
You send my heart into a furious session.”

“Put a bloody lid on it! The girl isn’t even here.” Captain Tea Cozy responded with a roll of his eyes. “I’m out. This place is dead.”

“Though my love is not at my side,
My words but a whisper will be her heart’s guide.”

“What the hell?” Tara exclaimed to Willow in horror.

“I know. I mean in what world would Nancy Gym Bunny and Princess Repression ever get together?” Willow asked with a shudder.

“No…well, that is unfathomable, but what I meant is that everyone seems to be completely out of sorts. This goes beyond our…problems. Look at Captain Tea Cozy. His morning cup of tea is no where in sight.”

“We are truly in peril.” Willow replied, feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders once more. But not literally…cause ouch, heavy.

“So you think a new menace has worked some voodoo on us so we wouldn’t notice their scheme?”

“Isn’t the fact that I don’t have my hand on your ass proof positive of that?” Tara asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Righty-o then. Let’s check the ‘Wonder Lesbian Analyzer’. It can answer all of our questions without any regard to logic and further the plot along.”

---------------------------------------


The ‘Wonder Lesbian Analyzer’ clinked and clunked away at the scraps of information placed in its omniscient, non-Microsoft system.

Tara sat on a stool barely looking at a catalogue full of techie devices that Willow had circled for the lab. She glanced over at her other half, who was impatiently bouncing near the output reader, waiting for the solution to today’s peculiarity.

It was only the fact that Tara could feel emptiness in the space where ‘cute’ or ‘quirky’ should be, that told the blonde superhero that anything at all was wrong. That scared her…it wasn’t the mind blowing sex that was most noticeably missing. It was the one hundred tiny things that made Tara love her everyday that hurt like hell not to feel.

This sad, though appropriately themed, interlude was cut short as the machine churned out a small index card of information.

“Holy reprogramming, Tara!”

“What is it, Willow?”

“The city wide scanners indicate that an unknown source has removed the sexual identity from entire gay population of Snowydale. Probability indicators also suggest that it is having ill-effects on other behavioral factors as well. And look at this on the Wonder Lesbian Viewfinder…a giant gold being was seen patrolling through our glorious city’s more prominent gay neighborhoods,” Willow explained succinctly.

“I recognize that statue from years of behavioral and artifact studies…that’s Homophobicon. But who would have the greed and stupidity to activate such a relic?”

“That is our mystery to ponder.” Willow replied in a vague sort of superhero way that did little to actually answer the question.

“So, what do we do?” Tara asked.

“We should head down to the old neighborhood and investigate. For the rest, I’ve been working on just the thing for this situation. A True Identity Medallion. I’ll cook up a batch of them for the Special Friends using our Wonder Lesbian Medallion Maker.”

A few minutes later, cutting out the painstaking process of metallurgy that many fine metallurgists perform for the world, the medallions were complete. As Willow and Tara slipped two labrys shaped objects around their necks, they felt the rush of complete love and rampant horniness return to them once more.

Willow wasted no time in pushing Tara towards the Make-Out Closet, a special soundproof room in their lab for just such an emergency. As she opened the door she paused at the unexpected sight of seeing Overt Sexuality Gal huddled in a corner wearing a nun’s habit.

“Poor Overt Sexuality Gal…this curse has done a number on her mind. Considering her love of both the finer forms of men and women, it’s made her completely closeted.” Willow grabbed a medallion made of two interlocking triangles and looped it around her neck.

The brunette uncurled and then stood with a very different look in her eyes. Willow and Tara stepped back as she ripped at her costume and made it a lot skimpier. A loud metallic scraping was heard as Overt Sexuality Gal reached under her attire. As she lifted her hands back into view, the crumpled remains of a too-late chastity belt lingered between her fingers.

Overt Sexuality Gal kept that look in her eyes the entire time. A really pissed off look.

“Oh yeah, I’m totally kicking some ass for this.”

---------------------------------------


The Wonder Lesbians and Overt Sexuality Gal scoured the neighborhoods around Snowydale, but were unable to find any trace of Homophobicon. What they did find was an old friend.

“Butt Monkey! I haven’t seen you in years. Not since you stole my midget boyfriend during band camp.” Willow called out as they approached, rather then as they were retreating because that is so much harder to hear. “Still the best thing that ever happened to me. Plus…all that useful flute knowledge.”

Butt Monkey grabbed a dragonfly out of the air and snacked on it.

“Um, sweetie? Does he normally do that?” Tara questioned. “Cause that old boyfriend of yours must have been a dog then.”

“I think maybe Butt Monkey needs a gayboy medallion,” Willow responded as she did the action indicated in her dialogue.

Seconds later, the stupor broke from Butt Monkey’s eyes. “Well, hallelujah! Free at last, free at last…and what the hell am I wearing?” Butt Monkey said as looked at his drab black clothing.

“This is great and all, but we can’t hand out jewelry to everyone in town. We need to find the cause of this mess.” Overt Sexuality Gal replied as she cracked her knuckles.

“Well let me tell you…” Butt Monkey replied as he began recounting the plan of his former boss.

“What a homophobic incarnate of evil! There’s no gain from such a measure,” Willow exclaimed.

“Oh girlfriend…but you don’t know the half of it.” Butt Monkey said as he sashayed towards the gayboy clothing store on the corner. “He did all this to get some hot piece of blonde…Princess something or other.”

“Okay, that does it…this guy is going down. And not in the fun way.” Overt Sexuality Gal grumbled.

---------------------------------------


Meanwhile at the mansion of Mr. Broodypants, he had spared no expense to impress Princess Repression with his Valentine’s Day suauveness. He had bought every holiday marked-up rose and greeting card he could find and sent out for special catering. Still, for some reason, Princess Repression was interested in almost everyone but him and his lavish displays. He had excused Butt Monkey hours ago because she began naughty dancing with him. And the catering boys…well, they didn’t even look for a tip considering her appreciative efforts.

There was nothing to fear, though, as he had one more fiendish trick up his sleeve. He moved to the stereo and turned on his Best of Barry Manillow CD, knowing it would break even the strongest of wills. Once she was weakened, he would be able to get close enough to get her to drink the Brew of Eternity, which would permanently will her to his every desire.

Luckily, before the first notes of Copacabana could invade the air of the mansion, the main entry doors blew off their hinges in a display straight from a eighties hair band video.

As the debris settled, a giant rainbow tank transformed back into the Wonder Lesbians. Overt Sexuality Gal followed closely behind. But not too closely. After all, she knew how jealous Willow could get if anyone closely followed Tara’s behind.

“Well, what do we have here…the Special Friends… and I planned for just such a distraction.” He backpedal towards the large marble mantle and retrieved a remote, pressed a large black button. The fireplace separated and Homophobicon emerged with its green eyes glowing. “One hit of Homophobicon’s rays and you’ll be trapped inside it forever.”

“And forever’s a mighty long time, Special Friends!” Mr. Broodypants cackled, somehow thinking that was a particularly enlightening piece of so-called wisdom.

Willow threw a medallion at Princess Repression before taking cover behind the entryway wall as a rash of green rays shot in all directions. Princess Repression caught the object with ease and quickly reverted back to herself.

“How dare you try to manipulate the purity of love! The truest thing in the world is loving someone for who they are, not their gender. And distorting love for your own gain…that’s wrong!”

Mr. Broodypants turned Homophobicon towards her. “If I can’t have you, then no one can!” He lifted his finger just above the button, testing her resolve.

“Clearly you don’t have a heart, Mr. Broodypants...or, if you do, it’s a two hundred forty-some year old lump of evil. And I’ll punish you for that!"

"RESPRESSO BOMB!” Princess Repression cried, as the force of her strained and hidden sexual energy flew from her body in a torrent. Just as Mr. Broodypants pressed the button, he was launched far into the air and into Homophobicon’s arms, where its green firing eyes hit him in the shoulder. Mr. Broodypants was instantly absorbed into the golden statue, forever to be trapped inside its confines alone. The Rod of Conformity fell from its nestled place with the impact, shattering into shards, and the spell to end homosexuality was broken.

Overt Sexuality Gal stood unharmed in the windstorm, a light pink sphere of protection keeping her safe. The sphere dissipated and she moved to the golden statue and popped it once with a right hook for good measure. Then she swaggered beside Princess Repression with her usual bravado. “That’s almost twenty-four hours wasted. I guess I’ve got some partying to make up for.”

Princess Repression looked at Overt Sexuality Gal in a new light. Mostly because the sun was just setting low enough to cast rays through the windows. “Maybe we could get something to eat instead?”

Overt Sexuality Gal smiled in a way that was neither particularly overt or sexual. Then she patted Princess Repression on the ass to make up for it.

“Hey!”

The Wonder Lesbians stood near the massive wreckage, Willow staring off into the distance with one thought swirling in her mind.

“Shouldn’t we have done more to save the world, baby?”

“Oh, Will, you know I love your overachieving ways…but why don’t we save that enthusiasm for what this holiday is truly about?”

The redhead nodded and they quickly headed home, destined to spend the night making love and eating chocolate.

THE END


Last edited by hermitfish on Fri Oct 08, 2010 7:07 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 12:56 pm 
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DIBS!

You, sir, are a fuckin' genius! I nearly gave myself a heart attack, I was laughing so hard.

I demand MORE! MORE, I SAY! :party :bounce

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 1:23 pm 
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Wicked! I haven't laughed so much in ages - you've got to continue this cos it's bloody brilliant! :applause

Caz

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 2:00 pm 
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Firstly I'm glad you're continuing the super friends story :D

The second part was just as funny as the first

Quote:
“Don’t touch my rod, Butt Monkey! I don’t want it to go off prematurely.”


Quote:
Even in the Super Vixen Bed, the place of many of the Wonder Lesbian’s most spectacular triumphs,


Quote:
“How I yearn for you, Princess Repression,
You send my heart into a furious session.”


:lmao

this is brilliant

looking forward to more from the wonder lesbians :)

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 5:35 pm 
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oh cyd -

i want to have twelve million of your babies. this was hysterical! i'm so excited you've started your own "special" thread.

as the president of your angsty goodness fan club, i'm happy to see that there was a passage that caused a brief pang and an "aww" amidst all the hilarity.

Quote:
It was only the fact that Tara could feel emptiness in the space where ‘cute’ or ‘quirky’ should be, that told the blonde superhero that anything at all was wrong. That scared her…it wasn’t the mind blowing sex that was most noticeably missing. It was the one hundred tiny things that made Tara love her everyday that hurt like hell not to feel.


that's better than anything a greeting card could say on this most hallmarky of holidays.

happy valentines day!
brandy

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 7:27 pm 
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Cyd,

You are a fucking genius, my friend!

I printed this off at work (stealthily, since my bosses decided that was a really good time to have a conversation with me) and read it on the train ride home. I took a later train than I usually do since I had an errand to run downtown after work. So, the other passengers had never seen me before...I wasn't a "regular". On my usual train, everyone is accustomed to everyone else "doing their thing" -- they all know I sit in the last seat on the left side of the train and either read or write. I know that they gather in groups and chat about their days. It's comfortable...and comforting.

Today, however, I got quite a few very odd looks aimed at me. Why? Because I burst into VERY loud laughter about every 20 seconds from reading this story. On my usual train, this wouldn't have been a big deal -- those folks are used to that from me. But this wasn't my usual train. I swear, they must have thought I left my straight jacket at the institution.

But, you know what? I'll take the funny looks and pitying shakes of the head from people if I get to read stuff like this every day! This was so fucking great! I could go on and on quoting all the lines that made me guffaw, but there are just way too many. WAY too many.

So so so wonderful, Cyd. I can't wait for the next offering. (President's Day is coming up...gonna write one for that too? :lol)

Carleen

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 8:31 pm 
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Cyd,
This was, as some have said before me, too fucking funny.
You are not just a genius, you join the ranks of that other noted supergenius, Wile E. Coyote.
That's what I want to see this year:themed holday adventures for the Special Friends.
Arbor Day: They get wood.
Presidents Day: They take cherries of women named Washington.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:34 am 
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Cyd, horror upon horrors, removing the homosexuality from the denizens of Snowydale! Who would be vile enough to perpetrate such a crime? Okay, that's a rhetorical question. I'm so glad that the Wonder Lesbians had a handy medallion maker at the ready to foil Mr. Broodypants and his evil sidekick. And do I sense something brewing between Princess Repression and Overt Sexuality Gal? I think I do! This was delightful and how glad am I that you're continuing the series? Answer: VERY glad! The Fruitcake series was, um, fruitful, considering that Debra continued her series and now you have and are too. Hoorah!

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 10:06 pm 
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:bow That was amazing. I don't think I've ever laughed so much reading a fic! You truly are a genius!!

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 5:07 am 
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Wow. Gulp. Gasp. That was wonderful. While not as outrageous as ep 1, this ep is full of charm and again, every sentence, every word, is a laugh-out-very-loudly moment. I like the subtlety you've added to the Special Friends franchise, the laughs are more thoughtful and stay with me longer.

grrr to Mr Broodypants, he can take his rod of conformity and shove it up ... um, where he shoves it up I don't want to know. I sniggered at his endless efforts to woo Princess Repression, and was extremely pleased as his failure. I also love how the wonder lesbians knew there was something wrong by how they weren't in each other's pants constantly.
Quote:
It was only the fact that Tara could feel emptiness in the space where ‘cute’ or ‘quirky’ should be, that told the blonde superhero that anything at all was wrong. That scared her…it wasn’t the mind blowing sex that was most noticeably missing. It was the one hundred tiny things that made Tara love her everyday that hurt like hell not to feel.

And then you give us something so incredibly sweet. awwww. *sniff* Oh, can I have a True Identity medallion too? so I know the true identities of, well people whose true nature and intentions I want to know. Cuts out the effort of beating the crap around the bush.

Plus I crack up at your tongue-in-cheekness, how you almost broke the fourth wall here.
Quote:
“Butt Monkey! You ruined my dramatic monologue.”

and
Quote:
much to the delight of the readers who wanted to figure out what the point to all this is.

:lmao

Honestly, the word genius has been branded about much in this thread and yes my friend, you are a genius. I'd dust off the marriage proposal joke again but I fear it's gotten stale now. I just want to add my thanks for taking the time to write this. :clap
[br]

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:08 am 
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Go Wonder Lesbians! :party I'm unbelievably overjoyed to see the adventures of the Special Friends continue - you know, you could have a Long Halloween thing going, with an episode every holiday? Just thinking out loud, don't mind me... :flirt

Willow and Tara not being all over each other was indeed disturbing - moreso even than Overt Sexuality Girl not being all over everyone. Lucky they had those medallions, and I'm not at all surprised they had that soundproof make-out room attached to their laboratory.

Mr Broodypants (and Butt Monkey) were a lovely return to the good old days of Darkseid (and his Wonder Woman fixation) and that moronic ape who hung around with him - as well as being great Snowydale incarnations of familiar characters. Good to see him suitably punished for his nefariosity - trapped in a pocket dimension without even his Rod to play with.

(Speaking of, the Special Friends seem to have a much higher capture-or-neutralise rate vs villains than a certain other superhero team that always let their nemesisses...ses... get away at the end of every episode... I wonder why that is? It can't be the gayness - I mean, Batman and Robin fer cryin' out loud - and while the Wonder Lesbians are, of course, hotter than anyone else, it's not like Wonder Woman and Hawkgirl aren't worth looking at...)

In conclusion, I adore you and this product of your beautiful superhero-mocking mind :flower

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 9:32 am 
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:bow

This is frickin' hilarious! I enjoyed the flute references, as well as the character names...but I particularly liked this line:
Quote:
Tara woke feeling off, which was not nearly as rewarding as getting off.


Can't wait for more - pleeeease :-D

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 3:09 pm 
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Wow...thanks for all the nice feedback. I haven't been able to write much, both due to time and life conflict, but the rewards when I can are always so worth it. As far as this series goes, it will be sporadic and not all the adventures will revolve around a holiday (though nice try on President's and Arbor Day :) ). I'm absolutely not available to write anything for the next month (much to my displeasure). After that we'll see. ~Cyd


SithLordWiccan: Heart attacks are bad, but laughing is of the good. MORE! MORE, huh? So forceful...I like it. :D

caz: Hi caz...glad you enjoyed.

justin: Good to hear that both adventures are of a similar funniness level. And I have to admit I was tempted to have Spike pop up with those horrible couplets throughout the fic, just because it was just so bad. Thanks, justin.

kisstheviolets: Esteemed President Brandy:

Hmm...that almost sounds like a message that got wedged in that silliness. Whoops and oh well. Of course, you're not relegated to just anx fan club president...you run the whole gambit on that front. :)

GayNow: Hi Car...I have to pose this question - is it realllly that hard to make you seem crazy, with or without a funny fic to read? :P

Seriously (and I can do that occasionally), thanks so much. Your continued enthusiasm for my comedic attempts, both in IS and here, have been a big part in aiding me to write more. Though I doubt there will be a fic for President Day (lol), I do hope to add more parts sporadically as time will allow. Thanks Carleen.

taralicious: Funny you should mention Wile E. Coyote...that's my watch. I can only dream to be that much of a supergenius, but my ego will never stop trying. Thanks for stopping in.

SallyMcFine: Yes, the extremely useful medallion-maker is a throwback to Batman - Adam West style...he always had the handiest stuff in his utility belt (and wow does that sound dirty). I'm glad you enjoyed, Sally.

Guppy: Thank you! Considering all the humorous fics around, I'll take that a huge compliment.

watson: Dearest watty-boss...thanks again for your opinion. It helped. Though...subtle? I have no subtlety. (um, wait...that's your line. :P) I think the fourth wall stuff is really my favorite aspect, and I probably abuse its use too much. I appreciate the thanks very much. Take care.

Artemis: Chris! I really think this line should have been spoken at the end now...

Quote:
trapped in a pocket dimension without even his Rod to play with


:lmao

Hmm...you're right about the capture ratio. They really should just let some of the evildoers get away. That would be a more accurate portrayal. Maybe we can call that the Buffy effect. Of course, being captured in no ways means that the baddies can't reappear in a later adventure. :) Just covering all my bases. Thanks Chris.

Candleshoe: Thanks so much for dropping by with oodles of kind words.


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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 4:58 am 
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32. Kisses and Gay Love
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Cyd,
How hysterical! I love this follow-up to your previously hysterical (or still hysterical but earlier story). Every bit of it is great. Love the bit with W/T both getting up and noticing how not gay they feel. My favorite part of the story is all the writer-to-reader asides and jokes. Normally that kind of bugs me, you know a little too post-modern? But here, it's just totally irreverant and fits right in.

Quote:
Then, I will be able to date anyone I choose.” He explained. Especially Princess Repression, he added internally, much to the delight of the readers who wanted to figure out what the point to all this is.
Seems to start it off and then it just continues. Another great bit, metalurgists. Perfect!!!

Well done.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 9:51 am 
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ic.winnie & Debra : Sorry for the missed feedback. Bad me. I’m so glad you enjoyed.

Happy Holidays...The next episode is coming up.

~Cyd


Last edited by hermitfish on Wed Dec 20, 2006 10:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 10:17 am 
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7. Teeny Tinkerbell Light

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Special Friends
Episode 3: Another Special Christmas



Rating: R

Disclaimer: BTVS, Super Friends, and the 50 other places I ripped something off from or mocked are not owned by me. No posting this elsewhere without my permission.

Summary: There is a threat to Christmas that has to be stopped…yeah, yeah…you get the idea.

Thanks: To the superest Cam for the incidental inspiration and to my girl for everything else.

[hr]

Deep within the half-frozen swamp just outside of Snowydale, a large building shaped like a second rate Darth Vader’s head rose from the bleak and fetid waters. Inside a treacherous event was being celebrated.

“Welcome to the Legion of Impractical Malice,” Warren announced from the podium of his sparkling new headquarters. “And our brand new Hall of Perpetual Corruption!”

Andrew, Jonathan, and Mr. Broodypants began clapping from their horseshoe shape table surrounding the podium. The newest member of the legion speculatively scanned the room with his beady eyes.

Warren, though an asshat, perceived his speculative speculation and said, “We should welcome our newest member of the legion – Principal Corrupt Principles.”

The Principal stood, his balding head gleaming a little under the fluorescent lighting. He thought he should be a little uncomfortable in his green uniform and tights…it seemed the others didn’t have official costumes and he was bothered by their lack of proper attire. His only regret was that his name was too long for the embroider and he had to go with his initials. He threw aside those thoughts, realizing he would just have to find a better costumer to make him a snappy new logo after he destroyed the Special Friends and became famous. Then it would be easy to take over the Legion and reform these villains to regulation.

“My plan is to destroy the Special Friends!” He stated firmly. “I will use the most sinister weapon this holiday season can offer us…that’s right, I will trap and destroy them in Christmas carols!”

The rapturous roar of approval from his new compatriots almost brought a smile to the Principal’s tensely cinched face.

---------------------------------------


“This is nice,” Willow spoke softly and happily as she walked down the promenade in the park. By her side, as always, was her very favorite lesbian superhero.

“It is,” Tara agreed, smiling at the way Willow’s eyes lit up like a child's as she scanned all the colorful light arrangements. She halted their comfortable amble, placing her hand on Willow’s soft cheek and turning her face for a slow, luxurious kiss.

It was a perfect night.

Perfect until a loud screeching noise pierced the night and a large sleigh raced through the sky. Aboard the sleigh from hell was a short man with large ears in a green costume with large initials. He had a canister of something he was sprinkling over the fair city. He dusted just over the Wonder Lesbians and quickly flew away before they could react.

“Who…or what was that?” Tara asked as she shook off some of the granules.

“A PCP elf? Is there such a thing?” Willow responded.

“I don’t know but I think we better contact the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality.” Tara suggested.

As she finished transmitting her warning to the other Special Friends, she noticed Willow had fallen into a deep sleep. Tara’s blue eyes were not far behind…from sleep or from Willow’s firm bottom.

---------------------------------------


Meanwhile, at the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality, the Special Friends were tolerating a fruitcake.

“Princess Repression, you’re what my heart needs
When I cut my hand, for you it bleeds.”

“One of these days we’re going to have to figure a way to cure Nancy Gym Bunny of his curse.” Cowboy Guy noted as he sipped a cup of Earl Grey with Captain Tea Cozy.

“Indeed,” Captain Tea Cozy replied.

“I wish it could be soon,” Princess Repression lamented. “I can only deal with so much of his heterosexual ways.”

“Now you’re speaking my language,” Overt Sexuality Gal announced as she entered the Hall. She smelled of smoke and liquor, wearing a thin white tank top that showed the outline of her nipples and the tightest leather pants in her collection.

“I see you’ve returned from your debauchery,” Princess Repression commented with disgust. She had to hold back a sigh and watch her from the corner of her eye.

Overt Sexuality Gal had to withhold her riposte as an incoming transmission began on the Hall’s communication screen.

But it was too late to save Snowydale’s brave heroes.

The Special Friends drifted into a perilous slumber as Tara’s warning played ominously.

---------------------------------------


Willow and Tara were walking once more, but in a completely different area. It was foggy and full of commercial buildings and businesses. Suddenly a reindeer wearing a collar that read “Blitzen” ran out of a car wash and Willow felt her lover push her out of harm’s way.

“Thanks, baby. Those aren’t cute little reindeer,” Willow said as she noticed several others in a pack were charging towards them. They were being led by a reindeer with a shiny red nose. A blast of fire erupted from its nose so bright.

“They’re evil and they’re robots,” Tara deduced by their movements.

“You know what we have to do baby…WONDER LESBIAN POWERS ACTIVATE! SHAPE OF A GIANT PICKUP TRUCK OF JUSTICE!”

They merged into a silver colored pickup with bright rainbow flames down the side. It was hitched up and three times the size of a normal truck, running on biolesbian fuels because all the Special Friends are envirofriendly. The truck accelerated with a roar and robot reindeer after reindeer bounced helplessly off the fender.

First Dasher and Dancer,
Then Prancer and Vixen,
Then Comet and Cupid,
And Donner and Blitzen.

“You’re going down in history, Rudolph!” Willow yelled as the most famous reindeer of them all burst into flames and landed meekly in the grass with nothing left but a pile of metal and wires.

---------------------------------------


Overt Sexuality Gal woke up in a bad mood.

“It’s fuckin’ cold,” she griped, rubbing her bare arms and wondering where the hell she could find a leather jacket in this place. She remembered Tara’s communication about a strange occurrence and figured she had got caught up in one of her own. It was the life of a superhero, after all.

The landscape was bright white as snow covered the ground, trees, and other surroundings. She could see in the distance there was a sterile row of cheaply made houses.

“Oh, great…the suburbs,” Overt Sexuality Gal grumbled once more, walking towards the homes for some clue of her location. She came upon three children building a figure with the abundant snow. They were dancing in a circle with an equal abundance of screams and energy. The sight made her girly parts thankful for contraception.

One child affixed the three lumps of ascending snow with a corncob pipe and a button nose. Another added two lumps of coal for eyes. Finally, the third placed an old silk hat on the snowman’s head.

A snarl rolled from creation and its eyes began to glow a dark eerie light.

“I am Frosty the Snowman!” The creature snarled again. “It’s time to play, little children.”

The children screamed and began running away the way any sane person would when a large snowman began to attack.

“Good…I was looking for someone to take this out on,” Overt Sexuality Gal spoke aloud, for no particular reason, as she ran towards the trouble.

“Blinding Flash!” Overt Sexuality Gal yelled as she removed her top. Frosty melted into a pool of water, his hat floating jollily on top.

“Great…now I have snowman on my boots.”

---------------------------------------


Nancy Gym Bunny began walking the long, seemingly endless hallway before him cautiously but impatiently. He couldn’t wait until the moment he vanquished the evil and returned to Princess Repression.

The hall was decorated with bough after bough of holly. As he progressed further down the hall, a low whisper began filling the chamber.

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

The whisper became louder.

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

It began etching itself into Nancy Gym Bunny’s brain, the monotonous notes climbing ever higher.

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Nancy Gym Bunny fell to his knees and held his head.

“Feels like there is a soddin’ chip in my brain!”

He continued forward as the whisper became a scream.

FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA

To the left side of the hall, under some holly, was a conspicuously placed door. Nancy Gym Bunny approached carefully sensing a trap. Inside of the door was a walk-in closet filled with familiar clothing.

And as Nancy Gym Bunny donned the gay apparel, his curse was removed and the maniacal singing stopped.

“Bleh…Princess Repression and I…that’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard.”

---------------------------------------


Suddenly Willow and Tara were situated on the beautiful red and green bedspread of a four poster bed with a familiar feeling drifting through them.

“Do you have faith in me?” Tara asked with an alluring smile as she crawled closer to her lover.

“Always.”

Willow then felt the very special magic of her lover as fingers and lips glided gracefully around her body. When Willow climaxed with a magnificent scream, they both realized she had come harder than she ever had before.

“Are you joyful and triumphant?” Tara asked.

“Yes ma’am.”

---------------------------------------


Captain Tea Cozy shot a blast of tea at the little drummer boy, but he refused to be destroyed. It stood up once more and reached for its large gold and red drum. Cowboy Guy attempted to zap it with his Cattle Prod of Truth before it could completely regain its footing but to no avail. Captain Tea Cozy noticed that as the boy touched his drum and began to play that a tiny light surrounded him.

“Of course, a protection barrier is emanating from the drum,” Captain Tea Cozy primly noted as he pulled a handkerchief from his front cardigan pocket and opened it.

“Crumpet Pitch!”

A delicious breakfast treat flew from his hands and punctured the drumhead, while another struck the small boy on the side of the head and knocked him unconscious.

“Sorry poor chap.”

---------------------------------------


The temperature suddenly dropped but luckily Tara had just helped Willow redress into her skintight costume.

A voice echoed in the distance.

“You better watch out…”

It grew closer.

“You better not cry…”

A giant golden sleigh began its descent towards the Wonder Lesbians.

“Better not pout…”

It landed just in front of them and a short bald man with big ears and a festive green costume stepped off the side.

“I'm telling you why…the Principal is coming to town!”

“Um…okay,” Willow began, not particularly impressed with his display. “So you’re the PCP elf?”

The Principal looked exacerbated and annoyed. “Gaarrrah…my name is PRINCIPAL CORRUPT PRINCIPLES!”

Willow furrowed her brow. “That’s kind of a mouthful…and not in a good way.”

“How can you not have heard of me, Wonder Lesbians? No matter. Soon I will be so famous that everyone will know my name…too bad you’ll be dead. But know me now and know that I will destroy you with the superior power of this…”

The Principal opened a green pouch on his belt and menacingly showed them a clear powdery substance in a small plastic bag. “This is Licentious Sensory Dust…and you have already been exposed to a small dose. Imagine the terror you will behold when I hit you with a blast from this…”

From the sleigh behind him, the Principal removed a large gun-like weapon with a jar attached that read “LSD”.

“So…basically we just need to take the LSD away from the PCP elf,” Willow surmised as she touched the hand of her lover and nodded.

“WONDER LESBIAN POWERS ACTIVATE! SHAPE OF A ROCK CATAPULT!”

Launching a rock from the nearby grass, the Wonder Lesbians hit the glass canister with a smash. The Licentious Sensory Dust billowed into a cloud and the Principal succumbed to his own wicked device of doom.

Perhaps now the Principal has learned not to use LSD for evil.

---------------------------------------


Willow and Tara returned to the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality to find that the other Special Friends were safe from harm and decorating the place with gusto.

Cowboy Guy was using his whip to flick ornaments onto a large fir tree while Captain Tea Cozy filled a stocking for each and every Special Friend.

Overt Sexuality Gal hung sprigs of mistletoe over the various arches in the room.

Princess Repression entered the room with a box of garland and Overt Sexuality Gal jumped off of her ladder just in time to give her a tongue laced kiss.

“You shouldn’t do that because it’s wrong,” Princess Repression said when they disengaged and she regained her senses.

“Yes, you should,” Nancy Gym Boy said as he did another set of repetitions with his hand weights. He had lost some of muscular definitions while under his heterosexual curse and was eagerly working to return his body to its former glory.

Seeing that everything was safe and sound, Tara wrapped her arms around Willow, knowing that she already had the best gift of the season and didn’t need flashy yet superb gay boy decorations to make her life better.

All she needed was Willow.

“Come on lover…let’s go make the yuletide gay,” Tara whispered into he lover’s ear.

“And from now on, our troubles will be miles away?” Willow asked coyly as she turned around in Tara’s comforting arms.

“Absolutely.”


THE END


Last edited by hermitfish on Thu Jan 25, 2007 10:25 am, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 11:05 am 
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23. Volumey Text
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Dibs

That was a great story. I was :lmao for most of it

I think that Principal Corrupt Principles makes a good addition to the Legion of Impractical Malice. Also the setting of the characters getting caught in different Christmas songs was a very good one.

Some good did come from the PCP elf's dastardly plan since it removed the curse from Nancy Gym Bunny.

The best line was

Quote:
“So…basically we just need to take the LSD away from the PCP elf,” Willow surmised as she touched the hand of her lover and nodded.


:lol

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Sat Dec 23, 2006 1:28 pm 
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Now the PCP elf knows how Lex Luthor felt in allying himself with the Legion of Doom.
There you are with delusions of grandeur, looking to make a name for yourself in the supervillain world, and you're stuck with the Geek Trio to carry out your fiendish plan.
The usage of the familiar in ways which are anything but yuletide gay was ingenious and afforded many pun-inducing moments, my favorite being:
Quote:
“You’re going down in history, Rudolph!” Willow yelled as the most famous reindeer of them all burst into flames and landed meekly in the grass with nothing left but a pile of metal and wires.

There's a lump not in my stocking but in my pants and it isn't coal from Overt Sexuality Girl's special power and the always welcome opportunity for Willow and Tara to indulge in each other's eggnog.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Sat Dec 23, 2006 6:03 pm 
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I'm still on the Legion of Impracitical Malice. Lol. This is just fantastically ridiculous and funny. I love the way you went from one carol to another. It's quite like a cartoon. Thanks so much.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 3:13 pm 
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Doin' the Reply Thingy

justin: Woo a dibs! Yes, sadly the Principal is just as inept as the rest of the Legion and he fits in just fine. I'll probably add a couple more characters to the Legion at some point but this one seemed a good fit for the X-mas special. Thanks, justin.

taralicious: The strange/stupid/etc. lyrics of several Christmas carols is what spawned this story and I couldn't resist throwing the Special Friends into the silliness. Glad you enjoyed that. I keep wanting to give Overt Sexuality Gal some more powers but when she's ripping off her top...why should I?

JustSkipIt: Well, I am aiming for a ridiculous cartoon...so I'm glad it hit the mark. Thanks for stopping by, Debra, and Happy Holidays.


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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 7:24 am 
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Hooray for the Wonder Lesbians! And boo hiss to the PCP elf, even though he was hilarious. A bit of Scarecrow there, if I'm not mistaken (and just about as useful as a guy made of straw). Overt Sexuality Gal certainly knows how to make an impression, and I suspect, very much like Flash's run-around-in-circles tactic, her unique mode of attack could have all sorts of uses. And even though it wasn't by any means as showy, it was nice to see Captain Tea Cozy get to kick some arse.

Great work on the writing throughout - especially the bits of the song dropped into Willow and Tara's reindeer-roadkill adventure, those had me rolling around chortling.

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 2:48 am 
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Cyd, sorry for lateness. Lots of excuses but none of them valid. And now Christmas is over.

Full of laughs of course, as we have come to expect from another installation in the Special Friends franchise. But the laughs were so, so, so ... clever! Principal Corrupt Princples ... snort. The play on carols ... snigger.

Quote:
“Are you joyful and triumphant?” Tara asked.

“Yes ma’am.”

:rofl So subtle, so very tight. choke.
[br]

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 2:16 pm 
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Oh god, Cyd--I wish you could have seen my face when I saw a thread with your name on it. Damn, girl, you do humor like nobody's business. ("Like whom?" Cyd asked. "That's nobody's business," Mary replied tersely.)

I don't think I've ever written this before, but if I had stopped to quote everything that made me laugh out loud, it would take me an hour to post this reply. Your incredible ideas ("Shape of giant pick-up truck of justice" just one example) the way you play with each character's defining traits (illuminating the thinly-veiled along the way and to great effect), the inspired names...Every time I thought I had a favorite line or character, I'd read the next paragraph and have to change my tattoos. (Painful, that.) But sweet mercy, Captain Tea Cozy and the Crumpet Pitch? Can't. Stand. It. The other thing I love is how you comment on the action; as in, speaking as they neared because it's so much harder to hear when you're past. You nail the lingo, and then nail the commentary. Damn.

Like I said--too many fantabulous lines and snippets to quote each one but suffice it to say that I'm loving this. Thanks for giving such a life to my Monday.

Mary

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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Thu Jan 25, 2007 10:56 am 
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More replies, with 50% less sodium:

Artemis: Hi Chris. Hmmm...yes, I do think it is a bit of Scarecrow in the PCP elf. One of these days I'm just gonna outsource these to you since you have such a good grasp of who and what to spoof. I thought the writing was a little rusty (happy to hear not so bad), but it came together pretty effortlessly (so I couldn't complain too much). Anyway, thanks for stoppin' by.

watty: Hi-ya watty-boss. Eh, you're not late...the trouble with posting over the holidays is that everything is crazy and busy for everyone (and, hee, I wrote "busty" at first...wouldn't it be nice if everyone could have a busty holiday?). I'm glad you liked the humor. I thought it went in a slightly different direction in this one, since it was heavily based around the carols. I'm glad the joyful and triumphant bit wasn't too subtle, as most of that carol really wasn't fit for that particular scene. Until next time, my friend.

AntigoneUnbound: Hey! It's my second favorite Mary (don't want to piss off the missus, after all). Nice to see you around.

I don't know where the ideas come from...well, ok, once a deer ran out of a car wash and hit my car. And I grew up in the south...so pickup trucks a plenty. Other than that, I think this adventure is the result of insomnia haze.

I have to admit that Captain Tea Cozy is quickly becoming my favorite non-W/T superhero. Maybe he will get his own mini-adventure with the Wonder Lesbians someday (that sounds a bit dirtier than what I was going for). Good to hear from you, Mary, and thanks.


Surprisingly, I am working on something today...just not for the Special Friends. Maybe I can get it posted soon.

~Cyd


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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Wed Feb 14, 2007 11:05 am 
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Hi folks,

I have good news for fans of justice, gay superheroes, and robots!

I am very happy to announce that we have a brand new Special Friends adventure, courtesy of the supremely talented Chris Cook (Artemis). So put on your brightly colored tights and stay tuned.

~Cyd


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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Wed Feb 14, 2007 6:30 pm 
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Title: Special Friends Episode 4: Crisis of Infinite Lesbians
Author: Chris Cook, with help from Hermitfish
Email: alia@netspace.net.au
Rating: R
Copyright: Based on characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, created by Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. Characters, concepts, and anything else ripped off from Marvel and DC belong, funnily enough, to Marvel and DC. No drugs were consumed during the writing of this story (which is more than the original Superfriends writers can say, if you ask me - seriously guys, how did Toyman build an artificial planet inside a black hole? Huh?).
Thanks: To Hermitfish for allowing me to play with the Special Friends, and doing a revision that added a bunch of extra jokes.

Image

Image

Deep in the bleak and dismal swamp outside Snowydale, the Hall of Perpetual Corruption rose, disturbing the peaceful siesta of the swamp's resident Stock Footage Alligator. Within (the Hall, not the Alligator), the Legion of Impractical Malice schemed its improbable schemes.

"Why do we have to live in this dump?" Principal Corrupt Principles complained. "The roof leaks. And this is a swamp!"

"Silence!" Warren, the Legion's de facto leader and resident dyspeptic rodent look-alike demanded from his podium.

"My mansion was better," Mr. Broodypants muttered darkly.

"Your mansion got blown up," Jonathan sniped. "And the swamp was all we could afford. Land prices in Snowydale are at a ten-year high, and we spend all our money on schemes that never work."

"True, the Special Friends have thwarted us time and again," Warren admitted, trying out the smile he thought of as Machiavellian, but which in fact suggested not enough fibre in his diet. "Even with our new members, the Legion has had little success in tackling those accursed Gay Guardians."

"Just give me one more shot at them!" the Principal boasted. "My new formula Licentious Sensory Dust-"

"Olaf crush Special Friends!" the Legion's newest recruit interrupted, punching a hole in the horseshoe-shaped meeting table for emphasis. Several similar holes were testament to previous occasions on which Olaf the Troll had spoken, on practically any topic. His thoughts, such as they were, invariably were apt to be emphasised by violence to furniture.

"Silence!" Warren reused his favourite phrase. "Though we are amply evil, I have concluded that our schemes need more genius in order to succeed. And seeing as there can be no-one more genius than myself, I have taken the only logical step possible!"

Warren pulled a cable, which caused a toilet to flush. Hastily he pulled another cable, causing a tattered curtain to drop from the corner of the Hall, revealing none other than a perfect duplicate of Warren himself!

"Behold!" Warren announced. "Robo-Warren!" The Legion regarded their new comrade with varying degrees of disinterest, distrust, and in Andrew's case, mental disrobing.

"My flawless computerised mind has devised a foolproof scheme to defeat the Special Friends," Robo-Warren stated in a cheap approximation of a robotic-sounding voice. "This plan is comprised of three stages. Stage one will commence with Olaf attacking the First Bank of Snowydale-"

"Olaf smash Bank!" Olaf declared, finishing off the table once and for all and storming out of the Hall. There was an embarrassing splash from outside, then the ongoing sounds of a furious troll wading through a swamp, and the Stock Footage Alligator protesting at being trodden on.

"We're finally going to get some money?" Jonathan grinned hopefully. "Can we get, you know, new clothes? It's starting to smell in here."

"Costumes!" the Principal barked.

"Negative," Robo-Warren said. "Olaf is a diversion. While the Special Friends are intercepting him, we will strike the Snowydale Museum of Science..."

Image

Meanwhile, in the Cave of Non-Stop Sapphic Monkey Love, the Wonder Lesbians were living up to their name in the Super Vixen Bed, engaging in activities both lesbian and wonderful. Until the Rainbow Phone of Integrity rang.

"What?" Willow snapped, pulling off her blindfold and snatching the phone off its cradle.

"Wonder Lesbians, Snowydale needs you!" Captain Tea Cozy announced urgently, to a background of shouts and crashes. "Some kind of super-powered troll is raiding the bank, and-"

"Fine, we'll be there in a minute," Willow grumbled. "Tara, are-" She turned to see Tara's feet on the pillow next to her. She looked down the length of the bed, as Tara tossed back the bottom of the sheet and looked up.

"So that's how you were doing that," Willow mused.

Image

"Blinding Flash!" Overt Sexuality Gal shouted, taking advantage of the newly-installed Velcro strap holding her top together. Olaf the Troll reeled from the power of her super-bosom.

"Drop the loot, varmint!" Cowboy Guy demanded, wielding his Cattle Prod of Truth with gusto.

"He's bleedin' tough," Nancy Gym Bunny observed, as one of his dumbbells bounced off Olaf's hide without visible effect.

"Get these civilians back!" Princess Repression called. "I can't use a Represso Bomb with innocent bystanders around!"

"I'm trying," Captain Tea Cozy lamented, "but every time Overt Sexuality Gal uses her powers they keep trying to get closer... Crumpet Pitch, you fiend!"

"Grraarh!" Olaf complained, as the tea tray bounced off his forehead. He grabbed the concussed alligator tied to his belt and swung it at Princess Repression, causing Overt Sexuality Gal to take a flying leap to save her.

"Oof!" Princess Repression gasped as Overt Sexuality Gal landed on her. "You shouldn't do that-"

"Sorry hot stuff," Overt Sexuality Gal said, scrambling to her feet. "No time for anything wrong at the moment."

"Not even a little wrong?" Princess Repression pouted. Whatever Overt Sexuality Gal's reply would have been (though her expression suggested she was tempted to make time for at least a little something wrong), it was drowned out by a sudden tornado of noise and wind from above.

"Da plane...da plane!" a short bystander cried.

"The Plane of Invisibility and/or Interdimensional Transport!" Cowboy Guy exclaimed.

"And not a moment too soon," Captain Tea Cozy agreed. "I'm running low on crockery."

Willow and Tara appeared in mid-air as they climbed out of their plane's invisible hatch, and leaped dramatically to the ground in front of Olaf.

"One chance, Olaf," Tara warned.

"People need those savings to buy toaster ovens and classy DVDs of a lesbian nature," Willow concluded.

"Olaf crush Wonder Lesbians!" Olaf proclaimed optimistically.

"Can't say we didn't warn him," Willow shrugged, as she and Tara struck even more dramatic poses.

"WONDER LESBIAN POWERS ACTIVATE! FORM OF... what works against trolls?... AN ASS-KICKING BILLY GOAT OF LAWFULNESS!"

In a blinding flash even more blinding than Overt Sexuality Gal's, the Wonder Lesbians transformed into a shining half-machine billy goat, and kicked Olaf so hard that his bags of ill-gotten gains, and the much-put-upon alligator, flew right out of his hands, and he himself flew far into the sky, in the general direction of the Snowydale swamp.

"Great work, Special Friends," the Snowydale Police Chief said, running onto the scene, "and especially you two, Wonder Lesbians." The cyborg billy goat transformed back into Willow and Tara without delay.

"Not a problem, Chief," Tara smiled.

"But stealing bags of money seems a bit unambitious for the Legion of Impractical Malice," Willow wondered.

"Indeed!" the Chief agreed, readied with information to move the plot along. "That's what I need to tell you - while that troll was robbing the bank, the rest of the Legion broke into the Snowydale Museum of Science and stole all the exhibits from the Doomsday Devices of the Modern Era exhibition!"

"Holy Teatime!" Captain Tea Cozy exclaimed in dismay.

"I said that exhibition was a bad idea," Willow complained. "Captain Tea Cozy, I thought you said you'd deal with it?"

"I sent them a very stern letter," Captain Tea Cozy said stuffily. "It beggars belief that the Museum would nonetheless have gone ahead with it..."

"We've got no time to lose!" Tara concluded. "There's no telling what the Legion of Impractical Malice will do with a plethora of apocalyptic contraptions at their disposal, so-"

She was interrupted by a bright flash of light, and when it cleared there were two more people present. One was a statuesque, powerful-looking blonde with close-cropped hair in a blue bodysuit and red cape, the other was a slim, lithe redhead in starry panties and a gold-embossed breastplate. Even more confusing than their sudden arrival, however, was the fact that they were Willow and Tara.

"Where are we?" the newcomer Tara demanded.

"Who are you?" Overt Sexuality Gal demanded right back.

"I'm Superbutch," the second Tara replied.

"And I'm Wonder Femme," the Willow with her added.

"Okay," Wonder Lesbian Willow muttered. "This just got weird."

Tara shot a look at her.

"-er," she added.

Image

Back at the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality, confusion abounded.

"I don't get it," Princess Repression shook her head, sitting awkwardly on Overt Sexuality Gal's lap at the Rainbow Meeting Table. The seat that was normally hers was occupied by Wonder Femme and her partner Superbutch, who were now one of no less than thirty-eight pairs of Willow and Tara to unexpectedly materialise.

"You could," Overt Sexuality Gal replied as she drew her lips around her index finger as if it were a naughty lollypop.

Princess Repression shook her head once more as her cheeks flushed with warmth. She continued, "Why would the Legion of Impractical Malice make more super-heroines appear?"

"There must be some nefarious purpose at work," Captain Tea Cozy predicted.

"The Wonder Lesbian Analyser confirms it," Tara, the original, put in, reading from a stack of yellow print-out cards the supercomputer had spat out, after being fed the situation and a list of the Museum's exhibits. "The Legion must have combined the stolen Atomic Dimension Doorway with the Superhero Locator Back-Tracker Beam. Willows and Taras from all manner of parallel Earths are being drawn to this dimension, specifically to us."

"But why?" Cowboy Guy questioned. "Why'n tarnation would they do that?"

"What are we going to do with all of them?" Captain Tea Cozy added, as another pair materialised on top of the table in mid-kiss, only to be rather startled at their sudden change of locale.

"Can't you use the plane to take them home?" Cowboy Guy asked Tara.

"No," she shook her head sadly. "Whatever the Legion is doing, it's got the Interdimensional part of the plane confused."

"The Hall of Rampant Homosexuality is running out of make-out spots for them all," Nancy Gym Bunny complained. "Tara-Vell and Willdragon commandeered my workout bench and locked me out of the gym!"

"And when I went to have a shower, Aquatara and Sea-Will were already in there getting... uh, wet," Princess Repression added, blushing.

"Peeking?" Overt Sexuality Gal grinned lasciviously.

"Certainly not!" Princess Repression replied primly, squirming away from Overt Sexuality Gal's questing hand. All eyes, especially Tara's, went to Willow as she entered, a computer print-out in her hand.

"The Analyser has come up with a theory," she said, reaching for the Cookie Jar of Sugary Goodness. "It seems that our parallel universe selves, while they're not causing any trouble themselves- aah!"

"Sorry," Sparrow and Wasp, a miniaturised, winged Willow-and-Tara pair, said sheepishly as they emerged from the cookie jar. "Birds and bees, you know..."

"While they're not causing much trouble themselves," Willow went on, "are indeed part of a typically convoluted scheme that will benefit the Legion of Impractical Malice incalculably."

"Impossible!" Superbutch protested, with Wonder Femme nodding in support. "From what you've said this Legion is very much like our world's Celibacy Clan, and none of us would ever help anyone like that!"

"We're far too heroic to even consider it," a newly-arrived Captain Gay Love insisted, from the sofa where she was cuddled up to Iron Willow.

"Exactly the problem," Willow said gravely, as another Willow and Tara popped into existence behind her. "We're heroic, all of us. And as we all know, there are forces of natural balance in the world."

"Of course," Captain Tea Cozy nodded. "We've long suspected that's why the Legion, inept as they are at everything else they turn their hand to, nonetheless continually frustrate attempts to incarcerate them. If the world has Special Friends and Wonder Lesbians, it must have the Legion to counteract our homoerotic and Sapphic heroism."

"But right now the world has..." Willow paused and did a quick mental calculation, taking into account yet another pair of heroines appearing beneath Cowboy Guy's chair, "...at least a hundred Wonder Lesbians, or our equivalents, and more appearing all the time."

"The balance is being disrupted," Tara concluded.

"And seeing as, we're reasonably sure, there aren't extra supervillains materialising, the Legion are becoming more powerful as the natural balance grounds itself in the nearest available vessel," Willow nodded. "Their ability to enact preposterously complicated evil schemes could reach dangerous, even competent, levels."

"We have to stop them!" Princess Repression burst out.

"Right away!" Overt Sexuality Gal added, also bursting out, due to all the use her Velcro top had been seeing lately.

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In the Legion of Impractical Malice's low-rent swamp, a mighty erection had risen.

"Will you stop staring at Robo-Warren?" Jonathan chastised Andrew. "The Special Friends will be here any minute, we need to be ready!"

Towering over the Legion's none-too-impressive headquarters was the result of their work, two enormous steel globes side by side - one containing the Dimensional Doorway, the other the Locator Back-Tracker - between which an energy vortex whirled suggestively. The various Legion members looked on gloatingly, with the exception of Olaf who was nursing a headache, and Mr. Broodypants who considered the entire structure 'too gay'.

"Dimensional transfer number one hundred seventy-eight," Robo-Warren announced. "Recalculating evil coefficient."

"My Licentious Sensory Dust grows in power with every passing minute!" Principal Corrupt Principles crowed. "Soon it'll be powerful enough to subdue the whole town of Snowydale in a single strike!"

"I feel almost as mighty as when I had my Rod of Conformity," admitted Mr. Broodypants. "I miss my Rod..."

"I could build you a new one," Jonathan offered. "I've been devising super-weapons at a fantastic rate! And a lot of them are actually working."

"Maybe," Mr. Broodypants shrugged. "It won't be the same as my own Rod, but I suppose playing with your Rod wouldn't be so bad..."

"Evil coefficient calculated at three thousand percent of normal, and increasing exponentially," Robo-Warren announced.

"Are you programmed for, uh, social interactions?" Andrew asked.

"My flawless computerised mind has no time for these so-called 'social interactions'."

"Oh..."

"Silence!" Warren announced, from where he had positioned his pedestal right before the heart of the doomsday device's orifice. Everyone agreed it was a very fitting place for him. "The Special Fools and their new allies are on their way!"

"Olaf not want to fight lots of Wonder Lesbians," Olaf complained. "Two Wonder Lesbians hurt Olaf enough for today."

"I've explained this already!" Warren snarled. "You're exactly as powerful as they are, except that your power is concentrated in you, while their power is spread inefficiently across all of them!"

"Math not Olaf's strong suit."

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"That must be it," Tara announced, looking over Willow's shoulder from the pilot's seat of the Plane of Invisibility and/or Interdimensional Transport. Due to space restrictions they had had to share the single seat, which they didn't mind at all. Judging by the moans and various sounds from the co-pilot's seat behind them, Dykedevil and the Rainbow Lantern didn't mind sharing a seat either.

"What is that?" Princess Repression wondered, as she and Overt Sexuality Gal piloted the Hovercraft of Environmentally Friendly Mass Transport, carrying the bulk of the Willows and Taras, through the swamp. Even from a distance away the twin globes of the Legion's diabolical contraption loomed high into the night sky.

"Just as we thought," Willow said. "They combined the Atomic Dimensional Doorway and the Superhero Locator Back-Tracker Beam into a single device to locate and transport our equivalents from every parallel world here!"

"A dimensional back door," Nancy Gym Bunny grinned, sharing the saddle of Cowboy Guy's Mecha-Stallion of Virility. "Well they're gonna get one hell of a shock when I plug their back door with my Dumbbell of Abdominal Perfection!"

"And my Cattle Prod of Truth!" Cowboy Guy put in.

"Both at once?" Captain Tea Cozy wondered, parking his Reasonably Priced Automobile of Unassumingness a safe distance from the likely battle. "My word, I wouldn't want to be the Legion when that happens..."

"Hang on," Power Tara warned, from where she was flying ahead of the Plane of Invisibility and Etc. "My telescopic vision is picking up hostiles taking up defensive positions."

"Confirmed," Willow said. "Scanners show the full Legion of Impractical Malice - and as we feared, their individual evil ratings have been increased exponentially!"

"What's our plan?" Overt Sexuality Gal asked.

"Every moment we delay only makes them stronger," Tara warned. "We have no choice but to defeat them now, no matter how dangerous the attempt may be. Let's take them down!"

"Special Friends, for Truth, Justice and Gay Love!" Captain Tea Cozy announced. The battle cry was taken up by the various interdimensional heroines, each in their own manner.

"Sapphic Avengers Assemble!" "Sweet Valentine's Day!" "We're the best there is at what we do!" "I am Batwoman!" "For the Rainbow Lantern Corps!" "Gay love on!" "Oh my starry garters!" "We'regonnabevictoriouswe'regonnabevictorious..." "Sixty-Nine!" "It's lesbianing time!" "Incredible Hottie Smash!"

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"Open fire!" Warren ordered his malevolent and temporarily mighty minions. Mr. Broodypants let fly a beam of shame from his Imitation Rod of Conformity which enveloped dozens of flying heroines, Olaf hurled the long-suffering Stock Footage Alligator at the Plane of Invisibility and So On, and Andrew and Jonathan took aim at the Hovercraft of Environmentally Friendly Mass Transport with their newly-constructed Type 2 phasers.

"They work!" Jonathan gloated, as twin red beams erupted from their instruments. "We finally got phasers that work!"

"They're still not as cool as my Type 2 replica in original packaging," Andrew noted sagely.

"Olaf crush Special Friends!" Olaf bellowed somewhat pointlessly as he halted the lurching hovercraft with a single punch.

"Blinding Flash!" Overt Sexuality Gal shouted, leaping from the stricken craft as her assets leapt from her stricken costume.

"Urgh! Olaf hate Blinding Flash!" Olaf complained, staggering back, but regaining his balance with worrying ease.

"Well you've got no taste then," Princess Repression countered, unleashing her ultimate attack on the troll as he charged. "Represso Bomb!"

"Beam of Prudishness!" Mr. Broodypants yelled, brandishing his faux Rod and disrupting the vortex that Princess Repression had unleashed.

"He... he nullified my Represso Bomb," Princess Repression said, aghast.

"Get a noseful of this!" Principal Corrupt Principles cackled, hurling a Licentious Sensory Dust bomb from his freshly-built flying PCP Sled. Overt Sexuality Gal tackled Princess Repression out of the way, but several of the heroines emerging from the hovercraft behind them weren't fast enough, and were engulfed in a mind-altering haze as the bombs went off.

"Lesbians down!" Captain Tea Cozy warned.

"Are they okay?" Willow worried.

"Wow," Sapphic Sentry giggled, "I don't usually feel this weird..." Will Dorado staggered into her and leaned on her shoulder while she played with airborne sparkles no-one else could see.

"We can cure them later," Captain Tea Cozy assessed, "but they'll take no further part in the battle for now. Crumpet Pitch... oh, blast!" he added, as Jonathan batted his projectile crockery out of the air with a lightsaber. Cowboy Guy and Nancy Gym Bunny were having troubles of their own, weaving madly through the sky on the Mecha-Stallion of Virility, pursued by a swarm of model USS Enterprises remote-controlled by Warren.

"It's time to end this," Tara said. Willow nodded and took her hand as they leapt from the Plane of Invisibility and Stuff and landed in the midst of the fighting.

"WONDER LESBIAN POWERS ACTIVATE! FORM OF AN AMAZONIAN GODDESS OF HOTNESS!"

In a blinding explosion of rainbow light the pair transformed into a fifty-foot-tall Amazon, with bow, spear, chainmail bikini top and short short leather skirt and all.

"Wow," Voyeura said to herself, glancing up.

"Hey, you're meant to be looking at me," Scarlet Exhibitionist complained, whacking her partner on the shoulder.

"Yes!" Warren shouted from atop his pedestal. The Willow/Tara Amazon strode forward and swung her spear at him, but before it could connect Warren went into a blur of hyper-speed inventiveness, constructing a Mega-Cannon of Low Self-Esteem that blasted the Amazon from her feet. The entire swamp shook as she landed on her back, and reverted to Willow and Tara in a confused swirl of energy.

Warren scowled as his new weapon suddenly fell to pieces in his hands.

"Are you alright?" Captain Tea Cozy enquired as Willow and Tara staggered to their feet.

"Ugh... We've had better days," Tara said wryly.

"What was that?" Willow asked. "He just invented that on the spot, that's much more evil genius power than the Analyser predicted!"

"I've got a hunch," Tara said gloomily. "Warren's evil geniusing got more powerful when we activated our powers - and when we powered down, his whatchamacallit fell apart."

"There's a connection to you specifically?" Captain Tea Cozy asked, providing a doily which Willow and Tara used to wipe the swamp water off their hot super-costumes.

"I see where you're going," Willow nodded, thoroughly cleaning Tara's chest. "What if the hot gay love power/stupid evil jerk power balance is being channelled through us? We're the native Wonder Lesbians to this world, after all - perhaps the balancing effect from all the other Willows and Taras needs us to earth itself in the Legion."

"But your powers are dormant now," Captain Tea Cozy pointed out. "And the Legion is still considerably enhanced."

"Even without our powers active, we're still lesbians, and wonderful," Willow noted.

"Considerably," Tara agreed. "But if we use our powers, we make the Legion even more ridiculously powerful."

"Good Lord!" Captain Tea Cozy exclaimed.

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Not far away, Overt Sexuality Gal was in something of a pickle.

"Blinding Flash!" she shouted, her breasts' fortieth or so appearance barely keeping Olaf from reaching her and Princess Repression. "It's no use, he's too strong!"

"But I'm out of Represso Bombs!" Princess Repression cried.

"Sorry, sweet thing," Overt Sexuality Gal said. "I guess my sexuality just isn't overt enough this time." Olaf strode forward, alligator raised to strike.

"Well then I guess mine will have to do," Princess Repression said grimly. She stepped in front of a confused Overt Sexuality Gal and, in one swift motion, tore her dress off.

"Total Flash!" she yelled defiantly, knocking Olaf off his feet.

"Nice," Overt Sexuality Gal grinned.

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"This is desperate," Willow said, seeing the various Willows and Taras and other Special Friends in dire straits, as opposed to in dire straights, which would be desperate in a completely different way.

"But maybe..." She looked uncertainly at Tara.

"I think so," Tara said heavily. "One last transformation..."

"If we use our powers and turn into... non-wonderful..."

"Non-lesbians," Tara completed. "We'll break the conduit and de-power the Legion at the same time."

"It's our only chance," Willow said, with tears flowing down her cheeks. "But there'll be no going back..."

"We'd never be able to transform back to our wonderful lesbian true selves," Tara agreed. She sought out Willow's lips for one last kiss, then took her hand and the two of them stood upright before the battle royal going on around them.

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"They're going to do it!" Warren gloated from his pedestal.

"Ugh, we're about to get out butts kicked again," Jonathan bemoaned.

"No!" Warren insisted. "This was my... well, Robo-Warren's, plan, all along! Even if the Special Friends defeat us today, the Wonder Lesbians will be powerless forever! Next time they'll have no way of stopping us! The Legion of Impractical Malice will rule the world!"

"Where is Robo-Warren, anyway?" Jonathan wondered.

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"WONDER LESBIAN POWERS ACTIVATE! FORM OF... OF..."

"I can't do it!" Willow cried.

"Me neither!" Tara lamented. "I'd give up the powers in a heartbeat, but to give up being lesbian would mean giving up you."

"What can we do?" Willow sobbed. "They can't win without us, but anything we turn into will only help the Legion... wait!"

"What?" Tara asked, suddenly hopeful.

"I've got it!" Willow yelped. She whispered quickly into Tara's ear, not ignoring the opportunity to give her earlobe a quick lick.

"Willow you're brilliant!" Tara beamed. "Let's do it!"

"WONDER LESBIAN POWERS ACTIVATE! FORM OF... VICTORIOUS LESBIANS!"

In a rainbow swirl Willow and Tara transformed into shining, gold-clad versions of themselves, embodying the strength and courage of every lesbian ever to not become evil, get killed, or mysteriously turn straight by the end of the movie. They joined hands and summoned a rainbow energy blast between them, aiming straight at Warren's perch at the centre of his enormous back door.

"Hey, that's not fair!" Warren shouted, seeing his foes threatening to gain the upper hand. "Robo-Warren, what's our counter-strategy for that? Robo-Warren!"

Robo-Warren emerged from the Hall of Perpetual Corruption with the top of his head hinged open, pursued by Andrew, who was carrying The Complete Idiot's Guide to Android Programming.

"My flawless computerised mind contains no counter-strategies," Robo-Warren intoned.

"What?" Warren yelped in disbelief. "I designed you to be able to devise plans for anything!"

"That programming has been deleted to make room for new instructions," Robo-Warren said in his customary monotone. "My function is now to attend to the needs of my one true love Andrew. Would you like a foot massage my dear?" he added to Andrew, who was looking sheepish but not exactly unrepentant.

"You-" Warren began to yell at Andrew, just before he and his pedestal were blown clear over the Hall of Perpetual Corruption by a rainbow energy blast.

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"Now, Cowboy Guy, Nancy Gym Bunny!" Willow shouted into the sky, as Warren's remote controlled Enterprises went out of control and collided with each other.

"Right!" Nancy Gym Bunny grinned. "Let's give the blighter a dose of oiled, toned action!"

"Anytime," Cowboy Guy agreed, attaching his Cattle Prod of Truth to the Dumbbell of Abdominal Perfection, creating a truly uncomfortable-looking weapon which they hurled with all their might into Warren's back door. The titanic construction exploded heartily, and as the remaining Legion members gaped in dismay at it, the Special Friends and their parallel universe allies pressed their advantage and overwhelmed their dumbfounded foes.

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"All done!" the Wonder Lesbians announced, passing through the meeting room of the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality on their way from the hangar to their personal (and private) laboratory.

"All the other Willows and Taras are back in their proper realities?" Captain Tea Cozy asked.

"Yup," Willow confirmed. "Courtesy of the now-working-properly-again Plane of Invisibility and/or Interdimensional Travel."

"And now, we're off to... have some personal time," Tara finished, dragging Willow by the arm into the laboratory.

"Okay, I'm feeling like myself again," Princess Repression announced, appearing from the Hall's voluminous wardrobe in a new dress.

"That's good," Overt Sexuality Gal said vaguely. Princess Repression sat next to her, looking worried.

"What's up?" she asked.

"Eh," Overt Sexuality Gal shrugged. "In the battle, I flashed my boobs so many times trying to take down that super-powered troll... I guess I'm just a little sexualitied-out."

"But you're Overt Sexuality Gal," Princess Repression frowned. Unsatisfied with her partner's non-committal shrug, she pondered for a moment, then arrived at a decision.

"I shouldn't do this, because it's wrong," she said to herself, "but..."

Nervously, she reached over and very lightly swatted Overt Sexuality Gal's leather-clad ass. Overt Sexuality Gal blinked in surprise, then, slowly, a lascivious grin spread across her face.

"Let's you and me visit the Hygienic Spa Bath of Various Activities," Overt Sexuality Gal suggested, grabbing Princess Repression's hand and leading her away.

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"Andrew, I am going to kill you," Warren grumbled. "I am going to figure out a way to pick the locks on these chains, then I am going to build a death ray, and I am going to kill you."

"B-but..." Andrew stammered.

"You appear tense, dearest," Robo-Warren put in. "Do you require a back-rub?"

"Hey! Back to work!" one of the two guards overseeing the Legion's incarceration ordered. The various super-villains in the chain gang hefted their sledgehammers and got back to breaking rocks.

"Olaf crush rocks," Olaf observed happily.

"Shut up," Principal Corrupt Principles sneered.

"At least all those extra Wonder Lesbians are gone now," Jonathan said.

"Not all be gone home," a strange voice announced. Someone loomed up behind the two guards and bonked their heads together like coconuts.

"Wha... who are you?" Warren asked, as strange, angular versions of Willow and Tara in matching purple and gold costumes stepped over the unconscious guards and faced the Legion.

"We am Bizarro Wonder Lesbians," evil Willow announced.

"We are join with Legion of Impractical Malice," evil Tara added. "And make destroy Special Friends for all time! Ahaha! Haha! Haha!" she and evil Willow laughed together...

THE END

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_________________
Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.


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 Post subject: Re: Adventures of the Special Friends
PostPosted: Thu Feb 15, 2007 12:48 pm 
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3. Flaming O

Joined: Sun Dec 17, 2006 10:05 pm
Posts: 79
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Did I get first reply? Score!
Loved the originals, and psyched to see a new one up.

Artemis, you had me at "Crisis of Infinate Lesbians". And I love the cover art, too. I'm such a fan of DC comics.
DC comics were so silly circa Crisis/Infinate Earths, what with all the awful dimensional travel with silly costumes and monkeys and endless exposition. The different Willow/Tara superheroes were quite funny, and I want to see what's going on with Bizarro W/T. That Legion of Impractical Malice sure is growing.

Best phrase ever: Plane of Invisibility and/or Interdimensional Transport.
Brava, and keep it coming, please.


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