Fic: Only in my dreams

[SilverWingedNemesis]

HEY CHEL~



*HUGS*



Well, I just read this again..and..wow. *SIGHS*



YOu just take my breath away! I love this fic! And Damn Sheila.. ya know..I'd love to smack her a good one!



Anyhoot, just wanted to say hi and let you know that i can't wait for an update! This fic rocks! OH, and of course, TMHCR



You rock!!



Love ya-



~NICKOLE~

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"Wanna be bad?"

[DestruktorMel]

Okay Chel. I've finally managed to finish reading this. I'm sorry it took so long...you can punish me later if you want

Quote:

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‘She’s coming!’ she thought, ‘and Tara said that she was coming too’.

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Ahem. Yes. Well...*cough* That takes on a WHOLE different meaning now, doesn't it?



Anyway, seeing as how there are 12 parts to reply too, I won't quote from anything else out of fear this might actually get longer than an update hehe. Although, it being me, I doubt that would happen...but you're really doing a great job with this fic, Chel. I totally agree with everything the Great Bonkable Holly has said. I can't wait to read more.



And Chel... *hugs* YOU ARE THE BEST!!!



-Mellie

[Tara22]

Well now… would you look at this… I’m ACTUALLY updating! My biggest apologies for the long long wait! But, hey it’s here now!



Let me just say….



YOU KITTENS ARE THE BEST!!!!



Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much for all of your reviews!!! It means so much to me that you would written them for me! They are so great! Ok, yes, I am going to do individual thanks now… but BE WARNED… these thank yous are highly likely to be longer than the update.



ahem… and I shall begin.



BV: Thank you SO much for your feedback! I know how you felt about Sheila because I feel the same way. Yes, as strange as that sounds, I do. I wrote it the way I think it would have happened. Sheila, being the way she is, and from other things we’ve seen of her character, I find it hard to believe that she could possibly be open minded. It’s very sad, but I think it’s true. Thanks again! It’s so great to know that I am coming across the way I wanted to.



Trinity: I give you full and complete permission to kick Sheila’s ass as far and as often as you’d like to, she needs a good butt kicking! Willow living with Tara? Would be fun, wouldn’t it? Who know’s where life is gonna take our girls… but one thing that we CAN always depend on is that they’ll have each other Thank you so very much for your review!! I’m glad you like my stories!! Oh, and of course you are forgiven for not reviewing before I totally understand that



Ash: *puts Ash on the list of Sheila ass kickers* Thanks for your review Ash!!! I know exactly what you mean about hating everything Sheila said. She is so closed minded, and it’s very sad to see, but, the sadder thing is that it really happens that way sometimes. I agree that telling everyone is important and that Willow’s friends would never think that of her. Shocked, maybe… but never think she was disgusting. Now, all we need, is for Will to see that.



lil’c: Oh, THANKS! I’m glad you liked the update! And I agree doubts are very bad things, but Tara is there for her…



Aimee: Thanks Aim!!! I’m glad you liked it! And yes… ‘Sheila = sucks’ very much so.



Grimmy: Oh, yes, I have to agree with you about Willow’s parents being stuck in the rigid patterns. It’s a sad and horrible thing, but, yes, some people DO have problems like this, family members or friends that refuse to accept things that aren’t ‘normal’. We can only hope that one day everybody will think with open minds and everybody will love with open hearts. Thank you for the review!



Karen: Thanks for the review!!! I’m glad you liked the update! And yes, I too am at Sheila for her behavior! It is terrible, but, sadly, it exists. Willow is going through a hard time right now, but, thankfully, Tara is there for her through it all. Sorry I took so long to update!



Grimaldi: Thanks so much for your review!!! I know exactly what you mean, but, it will work out somehow…



CINDIBINDI!!!: Where to start with you…. First…you TOTALLY rock!! I mean, without you listening to my brain storming, god knows how I would have written that update! I mean, it took me long enough as is! Thank you SOOOO much for everthing! Oh, yes… I’m extremely happy you liked the cinnamon… THAT was for you , of course, and Lea too, for asking so nicely…and you liked that line! GO YOU!!! Thanks again Cind!!



Michi: Thanks Michi!!! I’m so glad you liked the update! Mushiness and all I am so with you on the being angry with Sheila thing…so VERY with you…



LEA!!!: THANKS!!! I’m glad you liked the beginning and the cinnamon part and yes… of course I will fix the angst Just gotta say this again… cause you KNOW that I will every time I speak to you… you rock! *coughs* Bell *coughs*



deixs: Why yes… yes you can *adds deixs to the list of Sheila ass kickers*



Nic!!: What to say to little miss Nic… one, you SO rock! I mean…lol… count the feedback you left in this thread sooooo nice! I’m so glad that you are loving my fic! And *whispers* I have like… *counts* what? Four feedbacks I owe you? Oh…and a Chel debt NEVER goes unpaid THANK YOU!!!!



HOLLYBOLLY!!!: HOLLY!!!!!!!! Ok... I have decided that you are officially my biggest fan! HLHH! *pins a badge on you* GO YOU!!! Thank you soo much for all the things you said about it! In review AND out! You’re just trying to make me blush! I would quote the things you said but then you’ll have me all ‘arg!! No’-ey again and we don’t want that now DO we? Thank you for waiting so patiently for me to update! AND A+ on your cow… *hands you a little gold star* that was truly an exquisite piece of work… GO YOU!!! And Thanks again oh…and Holl… you SO ROCK!!!!



Insanity: I’m glad you like my fic! I agree with you! Sheila is very…well….yuck. Thanks for reading and reviewing!!!



Bec: Hey there Bec!! THANKS FOR READING ANF REVIEWING!! It was SOOOOO good to see you back on the board!!! (oh, yes, excuse my lack of communication lately, my internet connection is evil)



Viv: THANKS!! I’m glad you liked the update! And thanks so much for the review!! I agree… Sheila has very serious issues and her opinions…well…they kinda suck. (kinda? Major understatement!) Thanks again!



Meg: THANKS!!!!! I’m so happy you like it!! Oooh… one sitting! GO YOU! That is so cool! Thanks for the support and comments



Velaingie: Thanks SO much!!! I’m glad that you love it!!! You so rock for reading it!!!!



Danz!!!: my my my… we HAVE been listening in class… the cow was breathtaking dahling! GO YOU!!! A+ *hands you a little gold star*



Leah! : aw Leah… you making me blush too… … the deal you gals make over this fic… you’d think it was ‘Never a night like this’ (<- OOOOH, see that!? Good fic!? Read! *points it out to kitties who haven’t read it yet* lol… I feel like an advertising campaign) THANKS SO MUCH THOUGH! I appreciate that everyone has been so patient it the wait for the updates…



AWillowAndTaraFan4Ever: THANKS!!! Glad you think soo!!! Sadly this update was on the later side of soon…BUT…it’s here now so… yep



Patricia: THANKS!!! I’m so glad you like!!! AND… why, yes…yes you can *adds Patricia to the Sheila ass kickers list* Sorry for the huge wait!



R: oooh…R…thank you SO much… and I am so very sorry about your dad acting that way… It’s really terrible that people can’t just be equals, you know? Why do we classify and judge based on trivial and really, very, unimportant things? I’m so glad that you had people there for you! And YES… Tara is there for Willow… she’s ‘set for life, and far beyond’.



And then last… but never least



MELLIE!!!: You finished!!! GO YOU!!! HLHH. And I was starting to think it would NEVER happen… now now… trust you to find the weaknesses in my story then rub them under my nose … yay! lol! I must say that I should re-read my fic… the connotations I must have in here… and I hadn’t even MEANT to do it! You think I am the best!? … no way… … BUT yes… the great bonkable Holly… you would know Mellie… you would know THANK YOU!!! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!



*coughs*…It did NOT just take me two hours to do this…. Really it didn’t… nope, not at all …



anyway



enough with the denial here…



Before I post this chapter I would like to say a few things (now, you gals are probably all… ‘NO!!! Get her off stage!’ but these things simply MUST be said!)



Thing number one



I’d like to wish our very own DestrucktorMel a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY indeed Go you Mellie! I made cupcakes (*smiles innocently* not WITH anyone of course… so don’t worry… oh wait…that’s worse isn’t it… ok…no more cupcake talk)



Thing number two



For those that are interested, TMHCR will be updated VERY soon, so not to worry, many more adventures to come



Thing number three



I would like to thank Urnie (my yoga punctuation yoda ) and Cind (she's like my yoda man! ) for helping me out with this one… you gals are the very best *hugs*



And finally… (*crowd lets out a communal sigh of relief*)



The update



Part 13



There is...well...a BIT of a cliffhanger in this update...BUT...don't shoot! It is my very first so it can't be THAT bad now, can it?



This update is dedicated to Holly… why? Well… that should be obvious! Besides the fact that she is a totally cool person! She is practically my entire advertising committee, and this is the only way that I know to thank her! THANKS SO MUCH HOLL!



and as always to the wonderful Vixy, I miss you!!!



Willow felt the sand beneath her feet. It was hot, almost to the point of burning. She was wandering, searching for something. Searching for something that she knew she wanted so badly. She paused, looking around her. All she could see were miles and miles of burning hot sand, and she knew that if she stayed there, stayed in that spot, she would be safe, but if she went on and continued her search…. She could lose everything.



She took a deep breath and began to walk across the desert, feelings of confusion, worry, and regret running through her mind. She came to an oasis, knowing that they were supposed to be there. They were supposed to have been there. But she was all alone, standing at the edge of a huge lake. She looked down into the pool, and she knew that it was bottomless.



“She’s right there.”



Willow glanced up from the water and saw Buffy coming towards her.



“Buffy…” she cried desperately, “I didn’t know, I mean, I didn’t mean to do it, please help me Buffy.”



Buffy’s face was set in a grimace and she snorted, “you lost your chance long ago Willow Rosenberg,” and then she took a tiny step forward.



Willow could feel herself falling before she hit the water. It was icy even though it was surrounded by so much sun. She knew that this was it. That she was lost. Had lost her chance. This was it.



***



Tara sat on the end of her girlfriend’s bed watching her toss fitfully in her sleep. “Oh sweetie…” she said quietly to herself “sweetie.”



She felt herself frowning; her pain and sorrow had slowly turned into anger and disgust. She had no idea exactly what Sheila had said or done to upset Willow this way, but she did know that whatever it was must have been absolutely horrible, and had a huge affect on her.



What sort of mother doesn’t notice when their daughter is hurting? What sort of mother lets their daughter suffer alone, and they themselves remain happy and smiling? And how could someone as wonderful and amazing as Willow have such a heartless person for a mother?



The rain was coming down outside and Tara knew that it was getting late, but she couldn’t bring herself to wake the redhead.



She ran her hands gently through Willow’s hair, studying the pained expression on her face.



Tara stood up quickly when she saw her wince in her sleep. She couldn’t bear to see her in this much pain. ‘I have to make it better. I have to stop this’. Tara walked over to the door and reached out for the knob. ‘I have to stop this’.



“Wha…Tara?” Willow asked, opening her eyes. “Tara!?” she called out louder when she couldn’t find her.



“I’m here sweetie!” Tara ran back across the room and sat down next to her. “I’m here.”



“I thought you’d gone.” Willow said mournfully.



“No, I’m here sweetie, I’ll never leave you.” Tara said.



They sat in silence, Tara catching glimpses of despair and pain in Willow’s eyes.



Finally, she spoke, “Will?”



Willow looked up slowly.



“Are you…do you wanna tell me what happened?” Tara asked, crawling closer to her on the bed.



Willow looked across at Tara and opened her arms, welcoming the embrace. “Why does life get so hard Tare?” she asked, letting the question hang in the air.



Tara held her, desperately wanting to have the answers, but knowing, at the same time, that she had none to give. “I…I don’t know Will…” she said softly “I wish I did…but I don’t.”



Willow nodded, resting her head against the blonde’s shoulder. “Everything was so wonderful Tare… we were gonna tell them and we would have been free… we would have been able to be together anywhere…school, home, the mall, you name it.”



Tara listened to Willow, her heart aching more with every word, ‘we were gonna…we would have, but not now…’



Willow took a deep breath and continued, head bowed “I don’t know Tare… maybe I was just being too optimistic… there is nothing I want more than to be with you” she looked up at Tara, “But… not having Xander and Buffy…and having people glare at us and hate us just because we love each other…I hadn’t counted on that Tare… and I know what I want to do, I know that I want you…but.. Tare…” she said, her voice cracking, “I’m so confused now…I’m just so confused.”



Tara held Willow tightly, letting her cry. ‘I was so selfish to want her to do this…god! Why was I so selfish!? I won’t let her ruin her life like this. I’m not worth it…’, she could feel the redhead shaking in her arms, ‘that’s it Miss Maclay, you need to get up and walk away before you cause any more damage to this girls life’.



When Willow’s tears slowed, Tara leaned over and kissed her head. She took a deep breath and spoke, “It’s late sweetie and I should go…my dad….he’s probably worried sick,” she said, giving her a small smile, ‘she doesn’t need me around right now, I’m only making it harder for her to decide to leave me,’ “so I really should go cause I didn’t tell him where I was going and he’s probably at home, dinner waiting and everything, wondering where on earth I am.” She rushed her words, standing up slowly and edging her way towards the door.



Willow looked up at Tara and nodded, “I’ll see you tomorrow then?” she asked, barely above a whisper.



“Of course you will…school can do that to you.” Tara said, a grin plastered on her face, ‘this is cause I love her… she doesn’t need me around…I just mess things up…but god do I love her.’ She walked over to the door, “Never forget that I love you Will… you know that… right?”



Willow nodded, “bye Tare… tomorrow…I’ll see you tomorrow.”



Tara nodded and smiled, walking out of the room and down the stairs, increasing her pace as she went.



‘This is for Willow, I can’t let her make this sacrifice for me…I am not, have never been, and will never be worthy of such a sacrifice… no… I have to pretend I am happy and don’t care…I have to be strong…for Willow…strong.’



“I can do this.” She said softly but forcefully, as she reached the front door. She could hear the rain coming down outside. She knew she was going to get wet but she just didn’t care. “I can do this,” she whispered, as she walked down the path away from Willow’s house.



It was pouring and Tara was soaked before she reached the sidewalk. “I can do this.” she said, walking down the street in the direction of her home. “No!” she said, finally breaking down and sobbing, leaning against a tree, “I really can’t do this.” Her tears mixed with the rain as she cried, making it almost impossible to tell one from the other, “God, I can’t do this.”



***



Willow sat on her bed, numbed, the past few minutes playing over and over in her head. ‘I just let the only person I could ever love, walk away… I just let her walk away… I can’t let her…I need… I didn’t say I loved her.’ Willow thought, standing up and pacing the room, “I didn’t say I loved her… I need to tell her…now.”



Willow ran down the stairs in a desperate attempt to make up some of the time she had wasted. She ran past the door to the living room and saw her parents in there. Her dad, Ira, reading the newspaper and Sheila appeared to be working on a fundraiser for one of her noble causes. They didn’t even notice as the red-eyed Willow zoomed past the door.



‘I’m gonna find her and I’m gonna tell her I love her… cause I love her more than anything and being with her matters more to me then… it matters more to me then… anything… my parents and Buffy and Xander included… being with her makes my world right and I don’t care what they think now. If they don’t love me for who I am then how can they love me at all!?’



Willow stopped in front of the door, a small look of determination on her face, “I love you too baby… and I’ll prove it.”



Willow walked to the entrance to the living room. Her parents continued with their individual activities. She coughed to get their attention. Her dad glanced up briefly then looked back at his paper. Her mom, completely oblivious to everything, didn’t even blink at the sound.



The redhead’s heart was beating so hard in her chest, she thought it might break it. She sighed shuffling her feet, then turned and walked, slowly, out of the living room.



“Mom... Dad…” she said, stopping completely in her tracks and turning around to face them. She took a deep breath and continued. “There is something I want to tell you.”

***

"Oh, sorry. Uhh, I forgot that that doesn't seem normal, to the rest of society. It's just, we, well, we both really like cows. Really like them. To the extent of wanting to buy one, when we're older."- The Crying Game (by Vix84)

Edited by: Tara22  at: 12/20/02 6:00:18 pm

[Urn of Osiris]

Sweet Dear Darling Chel....



Toda, I am honored and you should be proud.



This is a wonderful update.

Quote:

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Her tears mixed with the rain as she cried, making it almost impossible to tell one from the other, “God, I can’t do this.”

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Such a moment, and the rain, I just love the rain.



oh and the moment of realization

Quote:

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‘I’m gonna find her and I’m gonna tell her I love her… cause I love her more than anything and being with her matters more to me then… it matters more to me then… anything

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oh I believe my heart skipped a beat dear Chel.



Just wonderful

Urn of Osiris

__________________**
WELCOME
...to Online Origami.


"Published electronically,
because paper should be used for folding."

[deixs]

So Wilow is going to come out to her parrents!

And Tara better not leave Willow



Stef

[barnabasvamp]

Wonderful



You described the realization of how Willow really felt, with such emotion *sigh*. Such love.



Go get her Will!!

BV

"In front of total strangers won't you kiss me, Flowers for no reason but you miss me - OOH, I wanna be in love"

Melissa Etheridge-Skin

[Grimaldi]

great update

Dude, we're surrounded by perverts!
"I'm not stealing, I'm just taking things without paying for them. In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?"
I don't know, it's like my brain keeps... jacking off

[lilkkgirl4u]

oohh..what a good yet short update!

she's finally going to tell them..hmm.i wonder how theyyll react..and she better find tara..

great job with this fic..its one of my absolute faves!

[littlecrazy80]

Yay!!!

Wonderful update. But too short!



*lil´c*



Unter den Blinden ist der Einäugige König.

[LeatherQueen]

Ah, Chel... lovely update. And yay for Willow standing up for her love.

"We've got the only librarian who can rip off your arm with his leg. People respect that." - Terry Pratchett

[AWillowAndTaraFan4Ever]

awwwwwww, I love the fact that willow is goin after tara and comin out to her parents. Go !!!!



update soon!

"In my world, there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies"- Vampire Willow



"Hear that baby? You're my always"-Willow to Tara

[pikescoob]

Cool that you updated Rach! Soooo sad that Will is upset and then Tara is upset and they need to NOT be upset together I agree that Tara better not leave Willow! Oooh and Will's gonna spill to her parents, can't wait to see how that goes.



--Mich

[shootingstar]

Heya T,



I'm sorry I've gotten so far behind in this story (been loaded with college work )...forgive me?



Great update, Tara...in the rain...crying, you realy know who to create a moment and yay for willow telling her parents!!! You rock T!



star

***

No it was the frogs! Take them! They stole the pie...
-Sleeping Willow in Loco2's >insert imaginative title here<

[vix84]

Oh Chel... I come online to email you and find the most beautifully written, emotional update ever...



I was just shivering when Tara was walking through the rain, the whole time when she was talking to her self (which I can really relate to..heh) and then realising she just couldn't do it anymore. “No!” she said, finally breaking down and sobbing, leaning against a tree, “I really can’t do this.”



I'm so proud of you, and I'm just loving this ficcy more and more... *hugs*



*waves at everyone I haven't spoken to for ages* I miss you guys!

Edited by: vix84 at: 2/24/03 4:50:20 am

[LeatherQueen]

*runs in and grabs vixy giving her a big hug*



Heh... just had to do that when I saw your name pop up.



Wasn't this a great chapter? Yay for our Chel.



Miss you tons, girl!

"We've got the only librarian who can rip off your arm with his leg. People respect that." - Terry Pratchett

[Cindipitude]

oh yesssss, wasnt this just an awesome update!



I was so lucky to get an idea of how things were going to go before hand....but still so beautiful.

Chel we are all proud of you!



Sali.....we miss you



Cindi

[stereo33]

An update

That was great! Hope Willow is able to talk to her parents & that she catches up with Tara asap. Looking forward to the next one.

Thanks

Karen

[Grimlock72]

Okaaay... I'll agree that Willow needs to tell her parents sooner or later. Buuuut they will be in that room for some time, while Tara is getting away. Besides Tara is walking in the rain and getting all cold, someone has to go and rescue her



Willow's parents don't seem terribly interested, at least interested in Willow as a person. Sheila will likely be annoyed that Willow dares to deviate from her standard Good-Child-Template but thats more to do with Sheila then anything else.



Ah well, has to be done sooner or later. Bit more preparation would have been nice, esp. since Willow isn't expecting her parents to just accept it. We'll see how it goes....at least it will be out of the way.



Grimmy

"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

[Taras Shadow]

CHELLYCHEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



OK! I should tackle you and hold you there...wait...no, that came out wrong Ok...let's try this again, I should hold you...nope...ok *sighs* THANK YOU for updating! I was patient, very patient...excitedly patient

Quote:

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I have decided that you are officially my biggest fan!

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Well...it's the least I could do for such an amazing fic. I mean it! I cannot begin to describe how much this fic ROCKS!!

Quote:

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Thank you soo much for all the things you said about it! In review AND out!

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You’re very much welcome You and your story deserve all the compliments in the world!

Quote:

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You’re just trying to make me blush!

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Me? Never! Yeah..ok, if it worked *giggles* But seriously, sorry if I did. I could say the same Miss Chel…



AND AN A+ On my COW?? GO ME!! And Go YOU for being an excellent teacher

Quote:

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This update is dedicated to Holly

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REALLY!?! Oh my...*hugs tightly* Me?? Still trying to catch my breath by reading that...I was just staring at it and thinking...well...REALLY!?! Me??...so yeah...*hands you a dozen roses* Sweetheart

Quote:

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Besides the fact that she is a totally cool person!

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cool?...no way ...you so beat me there...always have and always will.



Now Quotes and Compliments for the story!

Quote:

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She couldn’t bear to see her in this much pain. ‘I have to make it better. I have to stop this’.

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That is…was…still is…emotional. Tara wanting to take away all of Willow’s pain. *bonks Sheila over the head with a bat* How dare she……… *grrrr*

Quote:

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“Everything was so wonderful Tare… we were gonna tell them and we would have been free… we would have been able to be together anywhere…school, home, the mall, you name it.”

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Awwww… … I’m ok, really. Can I bonk Shelia again? Can I can I? *bats her eyelashes*



Chel! See…always, you always know how to touch my heart! This is just so….WOW

Quote:

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I’m not worth it…’,

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No Tara…you’re worth a whole lot!!



Tara and the leaving Willow with the rain and the tears and the… *breaks down* You write so beautifully! *hands you my Cuddles the Cow book* Very beautifully!

Quote:

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“I love you too baby… and I’ll prove it.”

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GO WILLOW…It’s Your Birthday!! Woo hoo…Willow is well on her way to some Tara goodness, but also a little heartache because of her coming out right? Grrr…stupid non-understanding parents and society! ß--take that! (not you Chel…you can have cookies )



And may I add another WOW!!!



And sweetie, I may ROCK, but you ROCK way Beyond me. *grabs her dictionary and looks up the word ‘ROCK’…* Yup! See? Underneath the word ROCK it reads Chel for forever and a day!!



This was awesome. Thank you for an update! And finally Mel read it huh? This fic is so totally H-O-T! Believe me!



Love ya! Give my love to the ‘Shuffles Pack’ for me!!! *waves madly* Missed you Chel!!!



*hugs and kisses* *muah*



~Holly~



"I will make me a willow cabin at your gate and call upon my soul within the house.” *whispers* “I rush into the secret house." - Pauline - Lost and Delirious[

Edited by: Taras Shadow  at: 12/20/02 4:12:54 pm

[SilverWingedNemesis]

OHMYGOD!!!



*HUGS*





*SIGHS* Determined Willow....you gotta love her!!



THIS WAS GREAT!! Sad, but great! I can't wait to see what happens.. The look on Sheila and Ira's faces...Emm... that can't turn out good... Poor will...But SHE LOVES TARA!! YAY



Can't wait for her to go tell her!! BIG smoochie reunion!! *grin* well, there will be one right????????



*HUGS* You are SOO great!!!!



Can't wait for more!!



Keep up your fantastic work!!!



~NIC~

[JennY]

I really like this fic. More please!

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JennY





"Dude! That sun's gotta be hot!"-- Another astute observation by my best friend

[pacou]

What a great update!



Its kinda sad and depressing to see that Willow's parents dont care. Im curious to see what happens And its good to know that Tara loves Wilow so much.



Im waiting for the next update



Thanks again



And merry Christmas to you and every Kitten by the way lol



-Viv-

You wanna know what my new last name is?
Forgetful... and its the invention of my English teacher....

[TheWhiz]

Hey Chel!

Fantastic update



I loved the way you conveyed the wide range of emotions felt by both Willow & Tara- powerful words and imagery (i.e the rain). Beautiful



I look forward to the next update!

Bec



By the way I know all about the evil internet! Oh and I have just been reunited with my computer for the Christmas hols! Speak to you soon!

[singgirl]

wow, I just caught up. I love it! Can't wait for more. No seriously, I can't wait. I need an update now!!

Pax! -Bev

[elessar007]

Chel this is great. I read it all in one sitting which enabled me to feel the roller-coaster-like ride of Willow's emotional state. Unfortunate for the world but I think there are more Sheila's in our midst than we are led to believe.



Tara's initial willingness to walk away in an effort to make things easier for Willow is so cutting and poigant. The self-sacrifice involved is enormous. That whole thread aptly illustrates IMHO some of the tremendous hurdles involved in letting the world know the 'real' you. Very well done.



Once more I want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing this hearfelt work and thank you for writing about cows.

Edited by: elessar007 at: 1/31/03 12:25:22 am

[4evaWill]

Hey, Quirky Girl! This fic is freaking amazing! *starts beating self up for not finding it and TMHCR sooner* You just had to mention a cow, didn't ya? GO YOU!



Not that I'm complaining. MOOOO!



Poor Willow... And Tara wanting to leave for Willow's sake...



I love this! ('Kay, so I'm obsessed with emoticons. What about it?)

Cath

Tara: No, I-I understand. You have to be with the person you l-love.

Willow: I am.

[quarian]

Wo-ah WOAH!



I finally got round to reading this, restarted from the beginning to make sure I maximised the goodness and there was sure a lot of goodness to be had.



Well, I have been giving you live feedback Chel and I'm kinda all spinning with the wow..



Not only do you do the cute sweetness so well, but the emotional heart-tugging..to borrow a word from Holly..ROCKS!

--

Reality continues to ruin my life. - Calvin

[pagnmickie]

Ok, that was BLOODY fantastic!!! You have an amazing way with words sweetie... and PLEASE write more soon!



*GIANTESSEREST HUGS*



-Mickie

A doodle... I do doodle... You, too...
You do doodle, too...

[Tara22]

Ok, so I am finally posting a chapter. I am well aware that months have passed and for that I apologize. My life has taken so many twists and turns in the past few months that it feels like something out of a dream. But, it’s not. I have been very blessed. My experiences have helped me to write this chapter. Thank you all for waiting so patiently.







Urnieleh!!!!!!!!!: My darling Urnie. I think it is highly appropriate that you be the first person I reply to. A reply in response to your feedback? Your help? It’s pretty impossible to word it. Thank you so much for everything. Every word of advice. Every pick me up. Every act of encouragement. Everything you do for me, have done, will do. I thank you. A huge MWA for you, Moosie. Are you ready for your extremely large helping of seedcake? *smirks*



Stef: Thanks for the review! As if Tara would leave Willow! They have a love that goes far beyond that.



BV: Thank you so much for your words. It means a lot to know that my words had an affect on you. Thanks for reading!



Grimaldi: Thanks!!! And thanks for reading!



lilkkgirl4u: ooh, Thank you! I am glad to hear you love my fic!



lil’ c: Thank you! Too short, huh? Ah well! Hopefully this one is longer



Lea!!: Thanks for reading!! I’m so glad you liked it!!! I agree. Standing up for love is the way to go, because, and at the risk of sounding cliché, love makes the world go round. Mine, anyway. Now that I have found it, I live it and breathe it. I am content. I hope everyone finds a love like that, and when they do, do everything within their power to keep it.



AWillowAndTaraFan4Ever: Thank you for your review! I am sorry the soon was a bit longer than sooner… but here it is now! I hope you enjoyed it!



Mich: Thank you! I am so glad to hear you enjoyed it! And again I emphasize that Tara would never leave Willow.



star: Thank you! I appreciate the review! I am so glad you enjoyed the chapter!



My darling Rozyleh!!!!!!: No words can explain how happy your review made me or how happy you continue to make me everyday. You really are my everything. Thank you so much for being there. Thank you for reading my fic, for standing up for me, helping me, loving me and letting me love you. Cause I really do, darling. Always and Beyond Forever.



Cindi!: Thank you for reading and reviewing my chapter!! Here is the new one! Enjoy!



Karen: Thank you so much for reading! I am so glad that you like my fic! I hope you like what you see in this chapter.



Grimmy: Thank you for the feedback. Yes, I think that Willow should tell her parents at this point. For Willow and Tara to truly be one and free to love each other they need the freedom and acceptance from their family and friends. It felt, to me, that, that was the point they need to reach, and now they are. Thanks for reading.



Holly: Thanks so much for the huge review! It’s been awhile and I hope that you are well and having fun! I am so glad that you love my fic! Be well and give my regards to your girl.



Nic: Thanks so much! I am so happy that you like my fic! Thank you for your review! Sorry about the long wait.



Jenny: Thanks!! I am so glad you like it!!



Vivlet: Thank you! I really appreciate the detailed feedback! Yes, so it is many months since Christmas but a merry Christmas to you too! Oh, and a Happy Hanukkah! (ohhh, and Happy Easter!) Thanks for reading!!!



Bec: and so we lost touch with each other. I apologize for that. I have been very busy with the twisting and turning of my own pathways. But hopefully we can continue emailing soon. Thank you for the review! I really appreciate it!



Bev: oooh…hmmm….well….you get a review now! So I guess I was somewhat compliant! Thanks so much for reading!!!



Scottchlet: Thank you so much! The details and heartfelt appreciation in your review means a lot to me! It was so wonderful to hear what you liked and found powerful in my fic. Thank you so much again! I hope you are well.



Cath: oooh… it’s been so long! I hope you are well! Thank you for the wonderful review! No beating of self! Self is wonderful . Thank you!!!!



Cindy: oooh… Thanks!!! I really appreciate the feedback! Better later then never! I

appreciate your reading it and telling me what you liked about it! Thank you



Mickie!: Thank you for reading and reviewing my fic. I really appreciate it. I hope you are doing well. Give my regards to Peg!



Ok, so I didn’t realize just how many people I have missed in my absence! Nothing like writing reviews to bring back memories. Thank you all so much! I hope to see you all around some more and catch up! My highest regards to you all!!!



And now….





Part 14





The silence in the Rosenberg’s household was deafening as the three inhabitants glanced from one person to the next; two sets of eyes, holding half inquisitive looks, the other, eyes wide with a nervous and apprehensive look.



“Well?” Sheila Rosenberg asked with an impatient voice, finally breaking the silence. “What do you want to tell us?”



Willow cringed, wringing her fingers, she bit her lip, and began pacing the room. ‘This is for Tara, Willow, you can do this, You can DO this. You love Tara. You want Tara. You need Tara. She is a part of you. You are a part of her.’ “Well…” Willow started, her voice cracking a little as she tried to avoid eye contact with both of her parents. “It’s like this….um…” Her words, sentences, and thoughts, flashing through her head, ‘God, how do I say this?’. “ love” She said, almost spontaneously. “it’s an awful lot like a sandwich”



Sheila and Ira looked up at their daughter. “A sandwich?” Ira asked, disbelief in his voice,



“How on earth is love like a sandwich!?” Sheila exclaimed, her face twisting into a grimace at the analogy.



“Oh, I’m getting to that” Willow rushed, beginning to feel even more nervous about the entire conversation.



Ira made a gesture with his hand, signaling for her to continue and Sheila rolled her eyes. “Please enlighten us Willow, how is love like a sandwich?”



Willow took a deep breath and continued, “Well, what makes a sandwich a sandwich? You need two pieces of bread to make it. Well, that or those little cruskety cracker thingies but I personally don’t like them cause when you put little bits of tomato and pickle on them they go all soggy and if you even try to….”



Willow stopped mid-sentence and looked sheepish, “oh…uh…right…anyway…what I was saying was that a sandwich is this thing, eaten worldwide by people of all sorts. The people in this world are the bread, two pieces of bread placed together and clicking, then comes the filling…”



Both of Willow’s parents were looking quite apprehensive at this point, wondering where there daughter was heading with this ramble.



“When making a sandwich there are no rules defining what must go into it, whatever is in it, be it salami and watermelon, or something stranger like tuna salad, it IS a sandwich and just as wonderful a creation as any other.”



Willow looked at her parents and breathed deeply.



“What I am trying to say is that, well, Mom, you and Dad? You are a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, creamy peanut butter and strawberry jam. But me? Well… Tara and I? We are like this crunchy peanut butter and banana sandwich. It might sound gross, but there is no better taste in this entire world”



Willow hung her head, waiting for disgusted sounds from her parents. When nothing came, she looked up slowly, her parents were staring at her, the looks almost resembling that of concern.



“Willow,” Ira said, sitting up straight, “there is this person, we have a number, that your mom and I think would be a wise idea for you to call.” He held out a business card to his daughter.



Willow looked confused but took the card. She looked at it and read the words ‘Daniel Harvy: Psychologist extraordinaire’. “umm…dad? Why am I calling this guy? She asked, with an extreme look of confusion.



“Willow!” Sheila cried exasperatedly, “You think you and your friend are a sandwich!” That is not normal behavior for a girl your age!



Willow looked shocked.



“For god sakes!” She cried, whipping around to face her mom, “what’s with you and normal anyway!? Why does everything have to be normal!? Where is the fun in that? Variety is the spice of life you know!”



She took a deep breath and looked from one parent to another.



“I do not have any problems, as a matter of fact, I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I am in love with the most amazing person to ever walk this planet. I have been so lucky to have that love returned. I am in love…” she said softly. “I love Tara.”



Willow placed the card in her father’s hand and walked to the door of the living room, “ if you’ll excuse me” she said, “I am going to go find the one person that makes my life worth living, much more than just existing. The one who taught me how it feels to be alive.”



Willow turned, and without another sound, opened the front door and walked out, leaving her parents to recover from the shock of her words.



***



The rain was pelting down . The street was beginning to fill with little puddles, promising much fun for children the next day. The sky was dark and stormy. Despite the weather, the night was quiet, almost disturbingly so. The redhead shivered, playing with that thought as she made her way down the streets at a steady pace. She could feel the burden as the weight of the water soaked her clothes but she didn’t care. ‘I have to find Tara’ she thought, “God baby, please be safe.”.



***



All the lights were out in the Maclay household. From the outside it looked like a perfectly normal home. Everyone snuggled safe in bed, sleeping soundly, comforted by the knowledge that they are loved, protected by the overwhelming feeling of safety. However, with every strike of lightening, the image of a crouching girl, huddled at the furthest point of the patio, shattered it. It was clearly visible, to even the most naïve of passerby’s, that Tara Mcclay was heartbroken. She sat, tears rolling down her face, making no noise at all, as the rain drenched the earth around her. ‘I can’t believe that I let her go. I had a taste of heaven.’ She thought bitterly ‘That is all I deserve’ she thought, rocking back and forth slowly on the balls of her feet.



A loud strike of thunder drew her from her thoughts and she glanced at her surroundings. Her previously neatly set out skirt was now a sopping mop of water. Suddenly, Tara was angry. “Why!?” she called out her question into the night as if she half expected a response. “ Why does this always happen!?”. She rose from her spot on the porch and made her way down the steps. Pacing the yard she practically screamed, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, ok!,” the tears were streaming down her face. These were different tears than before, tears of anger and despair. She came to a stop in front of a tree in her yard, “ I was bad. I was bad. I was bad and I know it!” she fumed, “haven’t I been punished enough!?” she yelled at the tree, “haven’t we both been punished enough!?” She began hitting the tree with her fist, the pain from the bark digging into her soft flesh was completely overthrown by that of her heart. She continued to punch the tree, yelling her apologies, needing forgiveness that the moss-covered tree could never provide.



And then gentle arms surrounded her waist. At first this had no affect, but the soothing voice and the caressing touch slowly worked their magic. Willow’s hands slipped slowly along the length of Tara’s arms until their hands met. Her flesh creating a barrier between the tender skin and the rippled bark, and suddenly it was just them, a sobbing blonde in the arms of a shaking redhead.



“I’m sorry Willow” she said through her tears, “I am so sorry”



The redhead held her lover tight. “Baby, don’t you ever be sorry for being brave enough to love. I am the one who is sorry. I failed to see what you saw right away. That you are my life. Without you, I don’t have any reason to live. You make me complete, Tare”



The blonde lifted her head off of Willow’s shoulder and looked at her closely. All of the sudden her eyes seemed filled with a peaceful calm. “Sweetie” she said, bringing her hand up to cup her love’s cheek. “I will never be sorry for loving you. Nor will I accept any apology from you. Darling, we are one in more ways than I ever thought possible. I feel as you feel, think as you think, and I love as you love. Sharing a brain with you is the best thing that I have ever done. You failed in nothing.” She leaned in and kissed her lover softly, “Willow” she said, barely above a whisper, “I love you so much”



Willow’s eyes shined with tears as Tara kissed her again. Both girls had become completely oblivious to the rain pouring down around them.



“In the end” Tara said, as she pulled away, resting her head against her lovers, “years from now. When it is just you and I. Sharing our lives. Living together. Being together. It will not be ‘I’ did this, and ‘you’ did that. It will be ‘us’, my love. ‘we’. You make me a stronger person, just as I make you a stronger person. We are one. Always and beyond forever. I would wait for you.”



Willow brought a finger up to Tara’s lips to silence her. The blonde kissed it gently, awaiting her girlfriend’s words.



“I told them, Tare”



Tara’s eyes widened. “Oh Willow.” She was filled with such emotion that words were nearly impossible. Joy, surprise, concern, wonder, and admiration, and most of all, there was pride. Her girlfriend. Her love. Her Willow. She had conquered the one thing that frightened her most. “Will, god Will, I love you so much.” Her heart was pounding in her chest. The intense need to touch, to be held by and to hold her, was overpowering.



The two girls clung to each other as the moon shone overhead. The clouds parted and the rain stopped, but they did not move from that place. Knowing how close they had come to losing each other, knowing how fragile relationships can be. The constant work involved and how there is nothing more worthwhile to invest in. They were determined.



“ I will always believe in us, Will. We can do anything. Get through anything. Survive anything. I love you and you love me, right?”



“Always and beyond forever, Tare, always and beyond forever.”



***



It was after eleven when the two girls awoke the next morning.



“Tare.” Willow whispered, looking down at her half sleeping girlfriend. Her heart swelled with love. “Have I told you lately that I love you?” .



“Maybe once or twice.” Tara said grinning as she sat up and kissed her love softly on the lips. “But I always love hearing it.”



Willow smiled.



“We should go Tare. There is stuff that we are supposed to do.” She said reluctantly, eyeing their now dry clothing, strewn over the back of a chair.



“We are supposed to do what?” Tara asked in a surprised tone, flashing her girlfriend a questioning look.



“Remember our shopping date?” Willow asked, upon seeing the blank look on her girlfriends face, continued, “we planned to go shopping with Buffy and tell her then. I never had a chance to cancel.”



A look of recognition flashed in the blondes eyes. “Oh yes, I remember now. Ok” she said, helping her lover to her feet. “Let’s get dressed and meet Buffy.”



***



The moment the doorbell rang in the Summer’s household, feet went running across the floorboards. “Bye mom!” Buffy yelled, pulling open the door to find herself face to face with her friends. “Where were you two!?” she exclaimed, “I must have tried your house fifty times Will!”



“Around.” Tara said almost shyly.



Willow nodded, gulping, wondering how her parents were taking the news.



Tara looked sideways at her girlfriend, trying to gauge her emotions. She reached over and gave her hand a squeeze of reassurance.



Willow smiled and the three of them set off for the mall.



***



The day was going well, except for Willow not being able to get a word into conversations. Buffy’s ramble was in rare form, she babbled as the three girls trekked all over the mall.



“ohhhh!” Buffy exclaimed, seeing a sign for garden tools, fifty percent off. “I need a new shovel!” she cried, dragging Willow and Tara into the store behind her.



Willow was frustrated with herself. Finally realizing that suggesting a shopping outing was not the best idea, she couldn’t stop thinking about her parents and being frightened of Buffy’s reaction.



“Will! Over here!” Buffy called, breaking her from her thoughts. “Tara! Come see!”



Buffy was holding what appeared to be guidebooks of sorts. “Look at these!” she said, handing a book to each Willow and Tara.



The girls looked down at their books and blanched.



‘Maximizing pleasure from your garden.’ Tara read out.



‘How to find excitement in gardens.’ Willow read.



The two girls eyed each other and then looked at Buffy, who seemed entirely oblivious to the double meanings behind the titles.



The slayer looked at both the girls and saw that they had gone pale. “Guys?” She eyed them with a worried expression. “You ok?”



Willow nodded slowly, “Buffy? Would you mind if we went home now?”



***



The entire ride home Willow tried to find a way to start the conversation. The air in the car was thick because everyone knew that words needed to be said and nobody was saying them. As they stopped at Buffy’s driveway, Tara squeezed Willow’s hand and climbed out, leaving the slayer and her best friend alone together.



Willow looked over at Buffy and bit her lip. “Buff?” She asked softly. “We have been best friends for awhile now, right?”



Buffy nodded her agreement but remained silent.



“There is something I need to tell you Buffy.” The redhead said. “And don’t worry, I won’t mention sandwiches.”.



Buffy raised a brow at this comment but continued to listen.



“Buffy, Tara is my girlfriend.”



For a moment, there was no sound in the car, then Buffy answered in a small voice, “When did this happen Will?”



The redhead proceeded to tell her the entire story, from her depression and Tara’s saving her from herself, to their discovery of the overwhelming love they shared for each other. Through the entire story Buffy remained quiet.



Willow looked at her, worried. “Are you weirded?”



Buffy looked at Willow and looked thoughtful. “Not at all Will.” She said, “You love her? In a heart ‘craving aching pounding’ way?”



“Even more, Buffy, even more”



Buffy smiled. “I’m happy for you Will. I think Tara is a great girl. I am so sorry I wasn’t there for you Willow. When you needed me most.”



“Oh Buffy, you tried. You and Xander both did.”



“Not hard enough Will. I should have tried harder. I love you, you know.”



Willow smiled at her best friend and the two hugged.



The slayer looked at the redhead, thankful for everything working out how it had, knowing there were rough times ahead for her friend, but also knowing that now she could be there for her. Help her through them. “You can always talk to me, Will. You know that?”



Willow nodded. “I do”



A silence filled the car for a moment as neither girl was sure what to say. Their heads, full of thoughts and full of hopes.



Finally Buffy got out and reached her hand to her friend. “Coming with me?”



Willow climbed out of the car and headed into the house, behind her best friend.

“We have much truth or dare to play Missy” Buffy said with a smirk as she held the door open for Willow to walk through it.



the redhead laughed and Buffy followed her in, closing the door, the two shared another smile and entered the living room where Tara was waiting.





This chapter was dedicated to my best friends in the entire world! I love you guys!!!

“‘Cause regret tastes like shit.”- How do I compare thee by Urn of Osiris



~*@.......We are the weirdest person in the world.......@*~

Edited by: Tara22  at: 6/23/03 7:03 pm

[pagnmickie]

Hey Rach! Peg says Hey too... we're doing good.



LOVED the update. Poor Tara thinking she'd screwed up and lost Willow... she should know better!! Willow will ALWAYS be there for her! *happy sigh*



Looking forward to the next update!



Hope all is well.



*hugs*



-Mickie

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.
-Sophocles

Edited by: BytrSuite at: 6/3/03 10:09:20 am