Hey everyone, sorry for the wait. My Head's just been soo screwy lately. Update coming, but sorry, can't do feeback for now. Hope you like it!
TITLE: Here Without You 6/ 10 (I think)
AUTHOR: Washi (ZWS)
FEEDBACK: I love it, I live for it, give it to me!
RATING: R, I think for implied sex, although some steamy scenes are planned.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the characters, Joss does or whoever. If I owned them, do you really think I would let season 6 happen? And why the hell would I be writing this?
So yeah, all belongs to Joss, ME etc...
The lyrics in this piece are owned by their respective owners.
SPOILERS: None, this is AU. It’s set in Sunnydale, but without the whole Hellmouth thingy.
TIMELINE and NOTES: Willow is about 23, Tara is 24, etc…
I read two kickass fics about Willow being in love and Tara being unsure, which are ‘Beholden’ by cinderlust and ‘The Heart Rules the Mind’ by DarkWiccan. Since both these fics aren’t finished, I thought I’d try to write about it.
Also, this fic contains angst, the road to an endless love contains a heartbreak in general.
This is also a way for me to exorcise my own inner demons.
I also hope my music taste doesn’t make people flinch.
Don’t worry, still working on the ‘Sex Journals’ and Dark Core, but I needed to get this out of my system.
Do I need to tell you how this ends? Didn’t think so.
Finally, this fic is written, and will have one update a day.
ARCHIVE: Ask and ye shall receive.
DEDICATION: This is for Yel and all the people who ever fell in love with their best friends, and who suffered through a love that’s not returned.
Thanks: To DarkWiccan for continuing The Heart Rules The Mind.
Thoughts are in < >, flashbacks in italics, and lyrics in bold.
*****
Where you gonna run to
Or are you gonna hide
Where you gonna run to
With those blues right down inside
You got no place left to go
You go down to the liquor store
And you drink your bottle down
Brian Setzer “So Red, what happened?” Faith asked from her place in front of Willow in a fast food, eating dinner. When Willow raised an eyebrow at her, Faith smirked. “You did say later, so spill.”
“Faith, I don’t wanna talk about it.” Willow said in a sad voice, staring at her cheeseburger. She raised her hand and took of bite of the burger, chewing furiously, as if it had no taste whatsoever, which for Willow, it didn’t.
“Oh, Blondie got your knickers in a twist huh?” she asked, chuckling lightly. When she saw the look in Willow’s eyes, the laughter died in her throat. Faith knew some of Willow’s friends, nothing more than acquaintances. She saw them sometimes at the Bronze, and they seemed nice and all, but it didn’t take Faith a second look to notice that Willow had the hots for Tara. Of course with her own crush on Buffy, she didn’t take a second look at them. Whenever she saw the blonde, it was as if time stopped.
“Willow, what the hell happened to get that look in your eyes?”
Willow looked up at her again. She knew that Faith only used her name when she was serious, and now, she was completely sincere. Her dark eyes were boring into hers, and she looked worried.
“Ok, we were at the Bronze, and like usual, we were chatting, and plain old having a good time when this guy comes over. He asks her to dance and she accepts. I mean, I know, no big, right? But seeing
her in
his arms, and
his arms around
her made
me snap. It’s like my self-control totally left me, and by the end of the song, I had to get out. I was gonna collapse. Or yell or dump a glass of water on him. And, to top it off, as I was leaving, Tara ran up to me and told me not to leave. I told her I had a headache, and that I needed to get home, so I turned to leave again, and I started crying, a-and then, she asked me if I was okay, and I turned around, and she saw the tears, she saw them, and I told her that I hurt and that I had to get out. A-and, I ran out.”
“Does she know how you feel?” Faith said, looking at her sincerely and with compassionate eyes. God, that was awful. Faith couldn’t even imagine what would happen if something like that would happen to her. Probably, she’d just smile, or try to keep her smile on her face. Or maybe, she’d just walk over to the guy and stub a cigarette into his chest.
“Oh, that’s just the freakin’ cherry! Buffy, Xander and Anya came clean and told her.” Willow breathed in a big sigh before taking a sip of soda. “I spend all weekend crying, so when Giles told me I was needed for a month or so, I was more than happy to go. I just, you know, needed to be kinda alone for a while.”
“Red, believe me, I know what you’re feeling. Loving someone you can’t have is pure torture. But, from what I’ve seen about Blondie, she loves you too. The looks, the smiles, the hugs… I think she feels something for you, but she’s too confused about it, so she kinda dismisses it. You know?”
“I get it Faith. The concept I mean. I just lost all hope, that’s all. And when the hell did you get all verbose insight-o girl?” Willow stared at the brunette.
“That’s between the second and the fourth glass of beer.” Faith replied, smiling. “I know what to do tonight. Let’s get wasted!”
“Um… I don’t know Faith.”
“Come on Red! It’ll be wicked, and you can drown your sorrows in alcohol. Drowning your sorrows is fun.” Faith said, smiling mischievously.
“Fine! Let’s go! And you’re paying.” Willow said getting up.
She and Faith got out, walking silently, lost in thought.
*****
Because of Willow’s reluctance at going to a club, the two women found a cozy bar so they could talk and drink.
“Whatcha gonna have Red? I’m gonna start with a Devil’s Kiss. You’re gonna have your usual Pina colada?” Faith asked, folding the menu.
A pang of sadness hit Willow as she thought of Saturday night and of her heartbreak.
“No. I need something stronger. How about we get some Tequila Hookers?”
“Wow Red, that’s a strong one alright. But I guess it’s the kinda drink we need tonight.”
Faith ordered and soon, they were starting their first shot. Willow licked the salt from her hand, imagining it was the salty taste of post-love-making sweat and she drowned the tequila. She felt her throat starting to burn because of the alcohol and she bit into the lemon slice, sucking lightly at the juice. Willow gasped silently at the change of tastes in her mouth.
“Now, that’s strong!” she exclaimed, motioning at Faith to refill her shot glass.
“Yeah, just what we need to drown our sorrows.”
“So, tell me, who is she?” Willow asked, before drinking her shot and exhaling.
“Who’s who?” Faith bluffed.
“Oh, come on Faith, you told me you knew what it felt like. Who’s the girl?”
“Buffy.” Faith replied.
“Buffy, as in my best friend Buffy Summers?” Willow asked bewildered.
“Yeah, that’s the one.” Faith said, refilling their shot glasses.
“That’s a surprise. I didn’t know. Does she know?”
Faith drank her shot before replying.
“Nope. You know me, wicked cool and all, and if she tells me to stick it somewhere else, my reputation is gonna get bruised, ya know?”
“You should tell her. Maybe she loves ya too.”
“Or maybe you’d like her to love me so you can have hope. Drink up Red.”
A bunch of shots later, Willow glanced at her watch and she remembered she had to call the gang to tell them that she was ok. She got out her cell phone, having replaced the battery and dialed.
“Hello.”
“Xander? It’s Willow.”
“Willow! How are you?” Willow could hear people moving around him.
“Um, I’m okay.” she replied as she heard Xander and someone else fighting over the phone. “Xander, why don’t you put the speaker phone so, I’m thinking Buffy can hear me too.”
“Sure.” Xander replied, switching on the speakers. “Hey Will!” Buffy called out.
“Hey. How are you guys?” Willow said, her voice slightly slurring.
“We’re good! And you?” Xander asked, putting a finger on his lips to motion Tara to stay quiet. She nodded.
“I’m good. But I miss you guys already. Yep, much with the missing.”
“Um, Willow, have you been drinking alone?” Buffy asked.
“No! No, not alone! Faith’s here!”
“Willow, how much did you drink?”
“Me? Oh, about seven or eight shots of tequila, I think. Nothing to call home about.” Willow paused. “Even thought I did call home.”
“Um, Willow, don’t you work tomorrow? How come you’re drinking tonight?” Xander asked.
“Why do you think I’m drinking Xander? I’m drowning in my sorrow.” she paused, thinking. “No, I’m drowning my sorrow. Yep, ‘cause alcohol drowns sorrow.”
“Will, drinking isn’t the answer.”
“Well, tell me what the fucking answer is?!” Willow nearly shouted. “I’m empty Xander! I can’t feel shit! Please, if you know the answer, tell me! ‘Cause I can’t take this anymore! I just can’t…” Willow said before starting to cry again.
Xander looked at Buffy, and then at Tara, who was looking at them with a shocked expression.
“Willow, Tara wants…” he started before Willow cut him off.
“I don’t wanna talk to her Xander! Get it? I can’t face her now. Please, I can’t…” she mumbled. She waited for an answer, but got none, and she could imagine Xander’s sheepish look. “Wait, she’s with you in the room now? Dammit! Why didn’t you say so?” she panicked. “Tara, listen to me, it’s not your fault, okay? I’ll be fine. I’m gonna be ok, ok? Don’t worry about me.” she continued in a calm, tender and soothing voice.
“Willow…” the blonde wiccan started. “Please Willow…”
“No, not now Tara. Oh god…” Willow groaned before shoving the cell phone in Faith’s hands and making a mad dash for the lady’s room.
“Hello?” Faith said in the phone.
“Faith? Where’s Willow?”
“Hey B, I think she’s gonna throw up.” Faith replied, her heart beating slightly faster at the blonde’s voice.
“Look, Faith, don’t let her drink more, please.” Buffy pleaded.
“Yeah, I’m thinking no more for the redhead. I’ll take her back to the hotel.”
“Faith?” Tara whispered, crying.
“Yeah Blondie?”
“Please, Faith, take care of her. Please, for me.” Tara begged.
“Sure Blondie, I will. Guys, I better go get Red. Good night and don’t worry. Bye.” Faith said before hanging up. She collected her and Willow’s purses and went to the lady’s room to fetch Willow.
*****
Xander hung up on his side. Buffy sighed, asking herself how things got so messed up.
“Guys, I need some sleep before tomorrow. All this is giving me a headache. Let’s go Tara.” Buffy said.
“A-a-actually, Xander, I w-w-was w-w-wondering if I c-c-could sl-sl-sleep here t-t-tonight. In W-w-willow’s b-bed.” Tara stuttered.
Xander looked at her and nodded.
he asked himself.
Looking at Buffy, he realized she was thinking the same thing. Buffy also nodded, kissed Tara on the forehead then hugged her and left. Xander bid Tara goodnight and left to get some sleep.
Tara entered Willow’s bedroom and lit a single candle.
she thought to herself.
She picked up an over-sized football tee-shirt and sniffed it, Willow’s odor making her nostrils twitch with recognition. She could almost see Willow going around in her room, picking things up. Tara stripped down to her underwear and put on Willow’s shirt. She lifted the covers and laid down , taking one of Willow’s pillows and hugging it tight.
she asked herself in the soft, candle-lit glow of the bedroom.
Willow’s smell overwhelmed her. From her subtle perfume that still hung in the air, to Willow’s own smell that clung to the pillows and to the bed like a second skin. Surrounded by the feel of Willow, she slept, hugging the pillow to her chest like she hoped one day she’d hug the redhead to her.
*****
Back in their hotel room, Faith made Willow take some aspirin and water before they each got into their own rooms.
Faith stayed up, thinking about Buffy and of how to get over it and finally tell her the truth.
In her room, Willow was on her back, looking at the ceiling.
“Tara, why can’t you love me like I do?” she whispered in the night.
She clung to her pillow, crying silently until she sank into a fitful sleep, filled with images of her blonde Goddess dancing with Brad.
*****
T.B.C
-------------------
"See? I've mastered this tact crap." Anya in Tears Of The Goddess by Lisa
The course of love doesn’t always run smooth, especially for the neurotic and accident-prone. ~ LadyB
.:Dark-bliss.net :. .:Blink.Flash.Sparkle.:. .:My blog:. .:Blood and Ink:. .:Washi's 70s Site:.
by Taras Shadow » Thu Mar 04, 2004 3:56 pm 
Angst-y? Yes. Loving it 
breaks my heart that Willow is going through so much pain and not knowing that Tara feels the same way. 
this was so sad and heartbreaking and painful and sad...
this story seems familiar! 
even get an ending this time! 
Sorry, I couldn't resist! 
Great, great great 
That is a GREAT fic...I'm a sucker of angst...It reminds me of the redhead I was in love with when I served in the army...She was my best friend...How ever, our story did end well...You know the drill...she loved me only not the same way I loved her. 
