P.S.: Don't worry, I'm not giving up on my other fics.
TITLE: Here Without You
AUTHOR: Washi (ZWS)
FEEDBACK: I love it, I live for it, give it to me!
RATING: R, I think for implied sex, although some steamy scenes are planned.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the characters, Joss does or whoever. If I owned them, do you really think I would let season 6 happen? And why the hell would I be writing this?
So yeah, all belongs to Joss, ME etc...
The lyrics in this piece are owned by their respective owners.
SPOILERS: None, this is AU. It’s set in Sunnydale, but without the whole Hellmouth thingy.
TIMELINE and NOTES: Willow is about 23, Tara is 24, etc…
I read two kickass fics about Willow being in love and Tara being unsure, which are ‘Beholden’ by cinderlust and ‘The Heart Rules the Mind’ by DarkWiccan. Since both these fics aren’t finished, I thought I’d try to write about it.
Also, this fic contains angst, the road to an endless love contains a heartbreak in general.
This is also a way for me to exorcise my own inner demons.
I also hope my music taste doesn’t make people flinch.
Don’t worry, still working on the ‘Sex Journals’, but I needed to get this out of my system.
Do I need to tell you how this ends? Didn’t think so.
Finally, this fic is pretty much written already. I'm just working on the last chapters.
FEEDBACK: I love it, I live for it, either here or by email, although here is better.
ARCHIVE: Wherever, just let me know first.
DEDICATION: This is for Yel and all the people who ever fell in love with their best friends, and who suffered through a love that’s not returned.
Thoughts are in < >, flashbacks in italics, and lyrics in bold.
*****
You got it, You got it bad
When you're on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
You got it, you got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life's off track
You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
You don't wanna have fun
It's all you think about
You got it bad when you're out with someone
But you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
You got it bad
Usher
Willow Rosenberg was on her bed, looking at the ceiling of her bedroom, her eyes unseeing, lost. The room was dark, only one small candle dancing to the soft sounds of yet another sad love song that strummed at the frail strings of her heart. By the time the song reached it’s crescendo, the singer’s voice was raw, full of emotions. Another love song started, this one less sad, basically ending well. The lyrics reached Willow’s brain, and she smiled sadly.
Her thoughts drifted to the woman she loved more than anything, Tara Maclay. Tara had moved to Sunnydale three years ago, while Willow had been in her second year of college. They became friends, but after a while, Willow’s feelings had budded from sisterly-love into so-not-sisterly love. In fact, Willow had been wildly in love with the blonde woman since last year.
She knew that if given a chance, she’d be able to make Tara happy, but there was one slight problem. Willow was gay, but Tara wasn’t. At least from what she understood.
She had never tried to tell Tara about her feelings, afraid she’d scare the shy girl away and lose her as a friend. And even if she had to suffer, she’d never do anything to hurt her, in any way. In fact, she was happy to just have her as one of her best friends, loving her from a distance.
She couldn’t even think of living without the blonde curvaceous goddess in her life.
Yet, it was getting more and more difficult to live with only that. She had to control her words, her gestures when she was around her to not show any emotions stronger than ‘best friend type’ feelings. Because, when she was around Tara, Willow’s body seemed to have a mind of it’s own, her heart pounding gleefully at any shared secret, any goodbye or hello hug, any shared glance or joke, anything. Every passing day made her love only stronger, and made her self-control waver just a bit more.
And it was getting harder and harder to control her emotions. Whenever they were at the Bronze, any love song became background music for Willow’s feelings. She’d look at Tara, and get immersed in her staring. Some lyrics would talk about how much she wanted Tara to love her back, other how angry at the situation she was in. Sometimes, their eyes would lock, and Willow would lower her head, looking at the ground, or into her drink, as if it held all the answers. The answers she so needed.
Willow was frustrated. Frustrated by the fact that she couldn’t say anything, tell Tara that she loved her and that she would do anything to protect her, to make her happy. She couldn’t tell the woman she loved that she loved her more than her own life, more than her mere existence.
Tears of sadness and frustration itched to escape from behind her eyelids, to get out. And they did as she let her sadness have it’s release in the darkness of her room. They fell slowly down the sides of her face, like a lingering caress, like fingertips languidly tracing her cheekbones.
Lately, all her sadness drowned her, and everywhere she went, the image of Tara and her smile had followed her through Sunnydale. It haunted her conscious life, as well as her dreams.
They had started with nothing more than a kiss, one chaste kiss where her lips would sensually brush against Tara’s. And then, more erotic dreams followed, dreams where Tara and she would make love, rocking against each other, bodies entwined, hands exploring soft, wet folds, as tongues darted in and out of mouths, following the rhythms of their thrusting fingers, moans and soft emotion-filled noises bathing them in a surreal music their bodies created. The music would swell, the rhythm would become more and more feverish as drums would enter the melody of soft guitars, the beating of these drums following the tempo of their hearts as they soared higher and higher until they reached their peaks, the melody becoming a complex orchestra of release.
And yet her dreams did nothing to relieve her, to make things easier. In fact, all they did was make matters worse. She would find herself staring at Tara’s blue eyes, imagining them darken, the pupils dilating with desire. Staring at her lips, crushing hers in a passionate kiss, at her tongue, which would lick at her most sensitive place, at her breasts, on which Willow would feast, taking the swollen nipples in her mouth and bathing them with her warm wet tongue, at her fingers, which would drive her wild, thrusting, seeking, filling, releasing, at her hips, which would rock against her own in a passionate and amazingly choreographed dance of ecstasy.
Willow shook her head.
she asked herself, even though the answer was already on her lips.
Every time she thought of her unreturned love, Willow felt her heart squeezing tightly, as pain filled her chest. Filled her chest with a hurt so strong, it was bound to kill her inside in time. She once again thought back to the term of the illness that possessed her heart
Only two people knew of her true feelings and a handful suspected: Buffy Summers and Xander Harris, her other two best friends. They had both understood her and supported her. In fact, Xander had consoled her many nights since they shared the apartment as she had cried her heart out on his shoulder, begging him to make it stop, to make her feelings disappear. He’d held her and told her that everything would be okay in time. Now, one year later, she was worse.
Her inner thoughts were disturbed when she heard the front door open and two people giggling and talking softly. Willow smiled in spite of her sad dark thoughts.
*****
Willow’s thought continued harassing her. She smiled sadly as she thought about the past, about how she was before she fell in love with Tara. Before she lost her light. There were better times, simpler times, in which she was happy, alone, but happy.
The phone rang, but she didn’t pick up, only stared at it, thinking that it was maybe Tara. Maybe one of her dreams would come true, and Tara would tell her on the phone that they needed to talk, and then, they would talk and become a couple, the way it happens in all romantic movies. But she didn’t dare hope that much.
Someone picked up the phone, for it stopped ringing.
She continued staring at the ceiling, as if it held all the answers she was seeking, but the only things the wall showed were the shadows from the car lights outside.
There was a knock on her door before Xander poked his head in.
“Hey Will.”
“Hey Xan. How are ya? And how’s Anya?” she asked, knowing her best friend’s girlfriend was in the living room. Anya was rude sometimes, and outspoken, but she loved Xander dearly, and Willow found her truthfulness at times refreshing. At times.
“I’m fine. She’s great.” Xander replied, smiling boyishly. “Actually, we were all planning on going to the Bronze. Come with us.”
“Xander, my mood is not contagious, or, maybe it is, and all of you would feel like hell by the end of the night. I really don’t feel much like going out.” she replied, her face showing her sorrow, her pain reflected by the rosy light on her face..
“Aww, come on Will! We’ll cheer you up! Besides, I know a certain blonde-haired, blue-eyed mermaid that’s swimming around there.” he begged, smiling cheekily.
“Hey! That’s my mermaid you’re talking about! I mean… You know what I mean. And oh, hey, she’s gonna be there? Gimme twenty minutes to get ready!” she said, leaping off her bed.
Xander chuckled to himself and closed the door, sitting down next to Anya on the couch.
*****
T.B.C. tomorrow night with the next part. Feedback is greatly appreciated.
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"See? I've mastered this tact crap." Anya in Tears Of The Goddess by Lisa
The course of love doesn’t always run smooth, especially for the neurotic and accident-prone. ~ LadyB
.:Dark-bliss.net :. .:Blink.Flash.Sparkle.:. .:My blog:. .:Blood and Ink:. .:Washi's 70s Site:.
at: 2/29/04 4:10 pm
Love sammi xx 
...sigh
I'm glad you like it, and I hope you'll enjoy the rest.
I loved this fic the first time around - and I love this version too 
Loving the nightly updates so keep 'em coming, okay?
I love that emoticon - hee hee.
