Yelnif - bon soir to you as well.
After reading your last post, I think you answered your own question, but I'll repeat what I said before - being gay is no different than being straight. It's a matter of power. Everything you have said (that any of us could say) about our struggles with sexuality is true of everyone, whatever their preference. The difference being what
image dominates - and that is something I do believe you and I and every other person who might identify as gay or lesbian or other, has to take back on our own. Having someone to look up to is important (how else do we learn how to behave?) but no one is perfect and likely to disappoint - especially if you are looking for something that likely isn't there.
Take Willow and Tara for an example. They do not exist. They are an image, unreal, invented by a straight man as a complication and plot device used to entertain his audience. This was provocative and a little daring and it captured the imagination of a lot of people - gay and straight. But this is a kind of manipulation. Joss Wedon had power to do whatever he wanted with them. His manipulation of our vision - whatever his intention - was devastating. So many identified with Tara and Willow. So many were hurt that anyone could do something bad to them, something so underhanded - yet what were we really to expect? If you go looking for an idol, you're going to be disappointed.
In a way, what Joss did is not so different from what our evil manager is doing with TATU, and the way so many are responding. They love the image of these girls - not the reality. Reality is boring. Reality is painful and stupid and why should we play along with it? I think it is arguable that what transports us these days is not ideas - but images. Joss said he intended Buffy to be an icon - a symbol. What that symbol is is debatable. How you interpret that symbol is based on your experience with other symbols, images, life - or you can choose to ignore it all together. After all - you didn't invent Buffy or Willow or Tara. Somebody else did. It's not about you. This is the hardest part to understand.
What is fan fiction? Our own manipulation of that vision to suit our own needs? What is fandom in general? Why are we fans of anything? There is such a need for wholeness, for acceptance and understanding, there are those who will look almost anywhere to find it. Maybe they are empowered by it. I hope so. That would be the good, but that is not the intention. The intention is to entertain and to turn off your mind for the time that you are entertained - to turn it off to anything but what is giving you pleasure at that moment. To accept as real that the image before you is bigger than you are, better than you are and still a 'reflection' of you. You can look - but you can't touch.
These are big questions without really good answers and as you get older you'll be re-writing them to suit yourself and looking less and less to others to do that for you. Support is important, having friends and family is important - but so is setting the example we want to see. No one can tell you who you are. That's why I don't like labels and I don't really identify with any of them. Being comfortable with not playing along with the rules - not wanting to be ruled by an image - this is the really hard part. Thinking for yourself, having your own ideas and not seeking approval or acceptance from anyone else for them - seek an audience, seek a friend, seek affirmation or understanding - but it's all up to you in the end. How YOU see things.
Hopefully you can learn to look without a dark adapted eye - but with an open mind, free from the clutter of images that so many people are competing with your sense of self for. You are you. You are the only you. There is no one like you. As Auden wrote:
The sense of danger must not disappear:
The way is certainly both short and steep,
However gradual it looks from here;
Look if you like, but you will have to leap.
Tough-minded men get mushy in their sleep
And break the by-laws any fool can keep;
It is not the convention but the fear
That has a tendency to disappear.
The worried efforts of the busy heap,
The dirt, the imprecision, and the beer
Produce a few smart wisecracks every year,
Laugh if you can, but you will have to leap.
The clothes that are considered right to wear
Will not be either sensible or cheap,
So long as we consent to live like sheep
And never mention those who disappear.
Much can be said for social savoir-faire,
But to rejoice when no one else is there
Is even harder than it is to weep;
No one is watching, but you have to leap.
A solitude ten thousand fathoms deep
Sustains the bed on which we lie, my dear:
Although I love you, you will have to leap;
Our dream of safety has to disappear
Now that I've rambled myself into a stupor, I shall sign off.
Peace and love to you all as well.
www.geocities.com/Dijeratti/index.html
at: 4/16/03 10:48:56 am
, more than likely. 
that the Sun is just making up another story. What TATU's people are doing is disgusting and exploitative, and is creating links between homosexuality and paedophilia. Get rid of them, now. 
)
i remember you on buffy.com 
,i also remember you saying you would never tell your parents you were gay,i just looked on your recent posts and now i find out your mum knows,,great news ride ,anyway guess your wonderin who i am arent you,well im willowschic remember me,(bet you dont)anyway yelnif keep up the good work see ya 
meow