When did you know

[Lindy]

Yeah, speaking of the media and such, it kinda strikes me as very sad (actually annyoing in my case) that all the sexual consultants on TV and in teeny mags always said that "you don't have to worry if you have feelings for someone of the same sex during your puberty. That will pass eventually, you might be just confused".



I think I was holding on to such theories for years. And why do they use the word 'worry'? They should just say.. well, something like: "You feel for another girl? If you don't have crushes on boys, maybe you are gay, think about it, cool for you." Or anything that doesn't imply these feelings might be wrong.



Grrr Argh.

*********



Computers don't suck. ahem

[Gatito Grande]

Exactly, braids, I'm in the same place: I really can't see myself being w/ a man again, but I'm not going to say never . . .



GG Really wouldn't mind saying "never . . . unless death us do part" though. Now: just need the "us" part! Out

[Thanatopsis]

Gotta agree Lindy, I remember reading that in a book when I was 13 or so and that just confused me even more and then made me worry about what people would think and all that teenage garabage. I think it's part of the reason I didn't come out earlier. I was waiting to see if I was just "confused." Whatever that means. I really did know, just couldn't say it out loud. I mean when your first sex dream totally involves a woman, that's gotta be a big clue, right?

-----------------

You say midgets like it's so absurd.

[relativegirl]

Hmm, I guess another big clue is being disappointed that Thanatopsis didn't share her sex dream with us in detail.

[Chino6069]

Easy, I came out the womb a baby dyke

[neroden1]

Bi boy here.



I was raised in an adamantly pro-gender-equality household. I guess, when I was four or five, I started thinking "Why am I only supposed to have crushes on girls? Isn't that sexist? This doesn't make sense." I learned about gay people sometime in elementary school, but the existence of bisexuality was never mentioned. I suppressed all sexuality through elementary school, middle school and most of high school, because when I looked at people who were 'involved', there was always a lot of weird screwed-up-ness which seemed to be related to people following (or not following) societal expectations which were mysterious to me. I wanted to have a relationship with open, honest communication and clarity rather than mysterious unspoken assumptions and I didn't see that in romances among anyone in my age bracket, or in the media. (Heh.) So I deliberately disregarded any crushes I had and pretended they didn't exist. They were mostly on girls but a few on boys.



Finally, sometime in high school, I began to figure out that it was possible to have such a relationship, it just was pretty unusual (heh), and I started allowing myself to feel crushes and react to my feelings. Which is when it became clear to me that I was bi. It took me several more years to accept that I was a Kinsey 1, though; the realization that I *usually* prefer girls was a little tricky for my anti-sexist indoctrinated mind to accept. Only then did I come out at all, and I still usually 'pass' for straight (although my long hair and preference for wearing skirts throws people, but that's a different and separate story...)



I still find it disturbing that during the ten years when I publically expressed *no* sexual feelings at all, and when if asked I would say that I was asexual, nearly everyone decided I was straight. The few people who respected my self-declaration as asexual got a lot of respect in my book.

[eccentrictulip]

exactly lindy.

*please use both hands....*

[Gatito Grande]

Quote:

---

(although my long hair and preference for wearing skirts throws people, but that's a different and separate story...)

---

Heh. Well, I'll share my binding and packing stories, neroden . . .



GG Just color me "Queer" babe Out

[speedtrials]

hi all,



this is my first "real" post on the kitten board, and it's an interesting thread to start with for sure. I like the variety of responses from everyone, there's some really great stories...



like most people, looking back it is SO obvious that I was gay, it was just a matter of getting it into my thick head. (Denial can be very insistent) I had a mad crush all through high school on the captain of my basketball team (I know I know, major stereotype ) never did much about it... the only kicker being, she ended up being gay as well (or so I've heard), along with all the other starters on our team!



I finally came out at 19, after countless ridiculously obvious clues, such as: writing a letter to my mother telling her I was gay, then ripping it up; and making a bet with my friend over who would sleep with a woman first... all this I attributed to a "phase" or maybe that I was bi. But once I started really dating girls, I knew I could never go back...

-------
taryn


killing a southern belle is all you know how to do
that and give other people hell, it's what they expect from you too...
elliott smith, "southern belle" (and possible ME theme song...)

[Taz]

I suspected when I was 14, I had a huge crush on my best friend. When i kissed my first woman at 17 I was certain. I thought I might be bi for awhile after that until I realized that the thought of me and a guy made me less than thrilled. No offense guys-you guys are great for carryin' stuff.

When in doubt go left.

[friskylez]

Taz, cute , very cute

carpe' noctem

[RealLiveTara]

Ok, I've got a new one for you all. A lot of you said you always knew, and most of the rest of you got clued in when you had fantasies, ect. Well, none of that for me- I had no crushes, guy or girl, nothing whatsoever the whole time I was growing up. Believe me, I was one confused little Kitten. So, there I was, 20 and heart-whole, when out of the clear blue sky, I fell totally head over heels in love with the most amazing woman. (Who is reading over my shoulder right now and objecting, but she really is). So, yeah, who would want a guy anyway when I've got her?!? -Kat

[the big pineapple]

hey,

so this is how it went :

i never really liked guys besides for playing football with and talking about video games and such.it wasn't like i didnt play with other girls i just enjoyed being "one of the guys".strange how i look back now and everything makes so much more sense than it did then.

i realised that i was not straight when i developed this gigantic crush on alyson hannigan.it is strange i know but she brought it out in me.then she discovered tara and i was so happy that i had such a nice little couple to look up too.

[helrunar]

I had very few (read no) crushes growing up, I got to about 20ish without feeling anything when I crushed on a girl of all things (didn't act on it though).. Still a bit of a rarity to find someone I actually fancy, but when I do fairly even split girls and boys.



I've decided to label myself hetroflexable... it makes me sound slightly straighter than I am but I dont like the word bisexual cos it sounds too 80s, like the sort of thing bored suburban swinger housewives would be.



That is all.

[primalfigure]

I had my first crush on a girl when I was 5 years old. As a tomboyish girl in kindergarten, I didn't understand why that made me different. As I grew older the young boys who were my friends told me, it was something that wasn't "normal" and I should be "ashamed". When I was 13, I was sure I was a lesbian. I have loved women probably before Linda Carter pranced about as Wonder Woman, and happily ever since. It is only natural to me, like breathing. I feel the same as anyone else, and I feel like it's perfectly normal... to be what I was meant to be.

"Who wants to be ordinary in a crazy mixed up world?"

-Michelle Branch

"This is incredible, starving, insatiable, yes this is love for the first time." -Dashboard Confessional

[Rocktoddy]

RealLiveTara:



Awww, that's so sweet!!! (and probably the best answer if your gf's standing right next to you...)



Rocktoddy

"They kill mice, hmmm..."-Crazy Brain-Sucked Tara, Though Love
"You mean like a 'sexy' peanut butter sandwich?"-Willow, No Matter Where You Go by DarkWiccan

[orion]

This has been a very informative topic...



For me Looking back I can see signals that I should have picked up on before. I had one Barbie and would rather play with Legos, Transformers or GI Joe's. I used to want to be a boy, I always dressed in jeans and t-shirts and played in the dirt with the boys. In the dreams I can remember I started out on a date with a guy but I would end up with a girl. But I lived a pretty sheltered life and didn't even know there was the option to be with a girl. I've had one boyfriend Senior year in high school and I didn't enjoy kissing him. (should have been a clue there) Now fast forward 3 years (20yrs. old)and I watched OMWF saw Willow and Tara and something just clicked. I went through that whole "no I'm sure its just a phase" and the "I just haven't been with a guy enough to make this dission".

Next thing I knew I had a total crush on a girl in my science class. We went out a few times as friends, but it didn't work out, I must have scared her off or something becuase she stopped talking to me. About 6 months ago I told my best friend and she and her boyfriend keep trying to help me get up the courage to talk to a girl(any girl). I'm such a chicken

Today, I still haven't met anyone *sigh*

Now most of my friends know and I figure I'll tell my parents only when I have to. So far everyone has reacted possitivly, no death threats or friend lossage, so I figure I'm doing good.

"Thats a little Blacker then I like my arts" -Dopplegangland

[Shinnen]

Cool to read of how kittens discovered thier sexuality. Mine is not that different from many.



I was always the tomboy...since 3, I never (and my mom could never) get me to wear skirts. So she thought it was still normal. (Till now, I'm 23) I still don't wear skirts. But that is irrelevant. I've had few crushes in my life. Only 2 so far has made me walk into an open door and hurt myself. Literally. The door is wide opened and i walked into the door hurting myself.



I never knew the word lesbian/ homosexual/gay till in my late teens. I knew I was different because I never could discuss girl stuff at all with friends. Plus I now know why a classmate of mine hit me when another pretty classmate of mine sat on my lap and put her arms around my neck. I was totally blur about that event though.



I kinda openly admitted..not to family... but to some friends... that I'm a lesbian, 3 years ago. I've never had anything to do with guys. Other than dicussion of gadgets and games. Never had any feelings for them. Nor did I have much compassion for them other than my habit of being a very very nice and accomodating person.



I've never had a girlfriend before with the few crushed I had. Strangely.. all of them are straight. God knows where are all the lesbians around my area. But then, I don't go out much or talk much, so that should explain a lot.



As the title of the reply topic goes... I'm all for it. Girls ARE the only way to go. If I can find one, that is... or even if I can find one.



That the story of my bored life or no-life.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

When I Am Standing On My Head, The Sky Is So Deep And The Sea Is So High.

Edited by: Shinnen at: 6/3/02 9:13:35 pm

[slayer747]

Thinking about it, I guess I always have known... I just went through denial for years. I tried fighting it because the Philippines is not very welcoming about being gay... this is a Catholic country and bigots flood the streets...



anyway, coming to think of it, the very first experience I remember regarding my sexuality is when I was 12... we were on a field trip and I was seated next to my friend inside a bus. Well, she wasn't really sitting beside me... she was like on a fetal position with her head was on my lap and she was calmly and contently fidgeting at the edges of my school uniform. I remember wanting to kiss her right that moment. But I didn't (thank God... I mean, it would create such havoc: "Look! Catholic School Girls!!!).

"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong, and those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie "Once and Again"

[Aduka]

I've known since I was about 5 years old, granted at the time I didn't have a name for how I felt; came out to my friends when I was 22 and was outed the same year to my parents(Ooh what a doozy).



Lol, I only had one Barbie doll when I was little(and it wasn't even Barbie, rather it was her black haired,dark skined Hawiian friend(cause I thought I didn't look like barbie so why play with one ) and I made her "queen" of my dinosaur collection



Living with my parents has curbed my degree of outness(but not my pride , I may not be free in this house but Im free in my head and when I go online or out the door.

you don't have to be old to be wise, the bird dosen't wait till he dies to fly. And emptiness is not for me.
-Angelique Kidjo

[Triscuit7]

Oh, I suspected/knew when I was 12-13; I had major crushes on several camp counselors, sports figures, and actresses. Even though I never had a crush on any of the boy teen idols, I guess you could call that time my Xander/Oz phase. I had a the requisite boyfriend through high school, the same one but it was on and off. During one of the off periods, I was 16 or so, I overnighted with my best girlfriend and things just sort of happened (repeatedly). I came out to my mother that year, but got the "phase" talk and pretty much put the whole thing in the back of my mind (1975 in rural WV).

After Charlotte, it was never really the same with Bill although we continued to date up through the end of my freshman year in college (WVU). More crushes and unrequited love through the rest of undergrad and the first part of grad school (UPenn). Then I joined a C-level lesbian softball team in 1984. That's when I met Darcy. We've been together now 18 years and plan to head to Vermont the end of July for a civil union.



Ciao, Triscuit7

**********************

I brought marshmallows!

[kukalaka]

One of the more obvious clues I got, was when I watched the Enterprise pilote last year. I'm talking about the decontamination scene, of course (And I sure hope at least some of you know, what I'm talking of.)



Well, I liked that scene a lot and I didn't even get the dialogue, which is something really unusual for me.



Anyway, I read some of the discussion about this and they had all been talking about T'Pol all the time until someone stated something like "It's not like there was nothing to look at for women". Which had me think something along the lines of:

"Huh?....Oh, the other one....Yeah, I totally noticed!"

[iccle eve]

well mine is a typical story, of being the biggest tom boy playing with lego, hating barbies and skirts etc.ive always been "one of the lads" but as a daddys girl attributted it to that, ie my love of football.

then puberty hit, and my first crush, wait for the stereotype....my PE teacher, but in all fairness i know two other girls who have had acrush on her so as you can imagine the womans fit. again comforming to stereotypes i thought it was a "phase" and that id get over it, although still allowing myself fantasys bout girls.tee hee well cold turkeys no fun.

then bout two years ago i met the most wonderful girl and fell head over heels and thought she was bi...but in my true style cocked it up as she turned out to be straight (sorry no happy endings) in this case. but the moment i truely admitted it to myself was this time last summer (i was 17) before we had a huge house warming and all i wanted to happen was to dance with this girl and kiss her and...etc we dont need the details of my dirty mind.

over the past year ive come out to all my friends and my parents, and so far its all ok, although mums in her "its a phase" mind set.im still friends with the girl and after three torturous months of insomnia and my weight plummeting to an unhealthy 6 1/2 stone (im ony 7 1/2 normally and 5ft tall but i was thin) we are still friends and im pretty much over her, although seeing her kiss a guy last week made my heart brake, but elements of your first love never go away.

i think for me it wasnt a case of when i knew more of when i accepted it.it took me ages to say i was a lesbian, and to use the word dyke instead of saying "im gay". but i dont care anymore im happy and proud of who i am. ( i missed out the disasterous 2 week fling in the middle thats another story involving too much alcohol).

luv eve

xxxx

ps i love hearing bout you all its nice to not be alone

Willow "when i look at what you've been through, it makes me proud. it makes me love you more."

[heironyma]

Lindy my dear I should like to add a 6784th voice of agreement. Magazines, books etc do all they can to feed the denial machine till it nearly busts. I wasn't a tomboy - I was just weird. Has anyone read 'Listening To The Elephants' by Sandi Toksvig - who incidentally rules bigtime? - well, in spirit though not detail the little girl in that rang a few bells. Then I spent the ages of twelve to fifteen in that lovely old egyptian river about being in love with my best friend. However, some nice higher power was feeling benevolent and I met someone just as weird as me, we had super times, and then, there we were, kissing. And I was flooded with an utter certainty that it was all just Right. In which pool have I been swimming a good 2 years now.

[oneinten]

Hey neat thread! (Took me awhile to get here)



My short story (like most):



Tomboy when I was young, in highschool dated a guy because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. At the same time had an intense "friendship" with a girl. Now looking back (and as hindsight is always 20/20) I realized I was actually wooing her (yes wooing) with flowers, cards, everything I could imagine. Sigh young innocent me! (well sort of). Nothing happened with her and I left for school away. University in an all girls dorm (of course!) met a girl who I thought was annoying until we kissed. Thought I was "experimenting" then realized I loved her and maybe I should stop denying my attractions to girls. Had spent my life until then rationalizing my "friendships" with other girls and my staring.... (I'm such a dog). After that read/watched whatever I could find, and finally realized by myself one summer 7 years ago that yes I was gay and then I started having some real fun! Am so glad it all clicked and have never felt so "myself" or happy ever. Happily married with wife, new house, cats and a dog. "Out" and about with Pride!



kath

[lucifuge25]

Pretty cool topic! O.k. here's my story:

I wasn't a tomboy per se while growing up. It's not as if I would mad about Tonka trucks while trying to get rid of my Barbie mini-collection (Barbies are the present de rigueur for any female children in my family.) My family's stance on gays has become liberal through the years though it wasnt' during my childhood(late 70's-early 80's.) I had a big crush on my best friend in elementary and she had one for me too but we never acted on it though we often daydreamed about getting married once we were old enough. I never saw her againg once I moved away, but I continued to have crushes on women from that point on.

My dating experience in high school was minimal :went out with two girls in 11th and 12th grade. Altogether though, I was feeling conflicted since I thought that lesbians were supposed to act like men yet I love being girly. Long story short, I tried to "be like everyone else" which resulted on me dating a guy for a bit and feeling like a fake. That's when I realized "hello, it's all about what one feels inside!!" Basically, I acknowledged not only that I am gay but that it's o.k. if I'm a total femme as well(which I so am it's funny.)

I went out with several women since then until just recently when I met the girl of my dreams (aww!)



"Omnia Mutantur, Nihil Inherit (Everything Changes, but Nothing is Truly Lost.)"

[alyamber4ever]

I knew in Kindergarten. Seriously. I was born a lesbian and....yes, I'm going to die a lesbian!!!! Woo and Hoo!!!!

I thought that one of the girls i was in school with was so cute. Of course there were boys I thought were nice,...but that's about as far as that went, ya know? So, basically....i've known forever, but didn't come out til I was 17. I really think nobody would have believed me if I came out any younger than that. Some people didn't even believe me when I told them when I was 17. But, I think they all GET IT now. I'm a Lesbian, Gay-Type person So.......YAY!!!!!!





and 4ever

[Verdant]

When did I not? All my life I've looked at women as companions, beautiful, awe inspiring and sexy. I've looked at men like fellow human beings who are sometimes fun to play with.



I put a name on it at 13. A few unrequited crushes, a very bad outing in junior high school that included death threats and TOTAL shunning by everyone in my very small school (that's not an exaggeration--of 60 kids in a K-8 school only one of them would talk to me), some quick growing up and a lot of covert research later I arrived in bed with a woman for the first time at 17.



At 18 I came out to my parents and told them to quit pretending like they didn't know.



I've been having unrepentant fun ever since.

____________________

Maybe you wanna put some ice on it.

[Penrose Orleans]

Hmmm... it's a great psychological and sociological issue, which I could discuss in depth... not now. Basically, I couldn't have an older (20-30) female authority figure in my life without developing an insane desire to please her, be around her but not talk to her, etc. The same was often true of close female friends (the older thing was probably because I've always enjoyed the company of more mature people).



A while ago in my high school career (I just graduated) I was laying in my bed thinking about life, the universe and everything when I realized it. I had never though about crushes on women n those terms before,, since I didn't want to do something because it was 'trendy' or as a martyr complex sort of thing (one of my classmates did that this year, and it makes me sick). Not out to all, but am hoping to be so soon!

[Fuzz WT]

This is interesting.



I remember having the first crush with the girl when I was 6 or something.It's just a silly thing that with all of my classmate,she's the only one I could think of everyday.But I was just a kid,how would I knew.I thought it's just because she's my best friend ( come to think about it,why we always having a crush on the best friend? )



Anyhow,that feeling had been forgotten til 4th grade.I having a big crush on this girl.Strangely how I didn't see if it's against the nature for a bit.I just thought " WOW! I'm in love with this girl.I wanna kiss her " ( Hmm,a bit too much for kid in that age or what? ) Anyway,it ended up that she was having a crush on my best friend ( who is now still very butch.I can say that,can't I? She labeled that herself )



Then in 6th grade,I was soooo nuts! I even having a long list about my crushes ,apperently they're all girls.Looking back,it was strange that I didn't even realise that I was a lesbian,heck,I didn't even know that word.Everyone were pretty nice,there's no homophobic comment from any kids.I guess kids are innocent,maybe they just couldn't see anything wrong with one person just wanna love another person in the same sex.Amen to that! That's basic.It's love.How could it be wrong



Then the feeling,again,had been forgotten until I reached 8th grade in my all girl-school.I finally got my first gf and the first kiss ( !!! ) and the knowing of the L word too.That's when I realised..." I like girl and that's mean I'm a lesbian.Hmm,it's the lesbians,right? "



Then there's another confusing sexuality in following years ( like,maybe I'm bi,wait maybe I'm straight and Does everyone okay if I say " For god's sake,I'M GAY!!! " ) ....Damn those homophobic nagative thought that the world put into us!!! ( or me... )



But yes,...finally I realised I'm gay.I felt so free that I can admit it in my 20th year of life.Then following with my gf I'm seeing now.I have a happy life.And I'm gay.I could say that,couldn't I?



Ok,so I knew it when I'm 20,I guess.I mean knowing it with no confusing.





Venus Bless

*Fuzz*