When did you know

[friskylez]

I have seen a thread about early signs of Willows lesbianism and threads on coming out, but id be curious to know when the kittens knew they were of the lesbian persuasion??



Back in my day (we are talking youngster/teen in the early 60s) being gay wasnt talked/written about much, so even though i was "attracted" to and had crushes on alot of my female friends, i didnt really understand it...Much like Willow i struggled with who i was and what was "going on" with me..It wasnt until 1979 that i realized who i was and came out...



But i knew very early on that i was attracted to women, goes all the way back to the third grade..Im sure its a little different now, being gay is talked about more and therefore something young people know a bit of, but it must still be a struggle...For me it never was a lifestyle choice, just who i was.... Id love to know when the kittens realized their lesbianism



Edited to add, after re reading my post i felt a little to exclusive, my apologies, any

and all kittens feel free to respond regarding their sexuality or comments regarding said post

carpe' noctem

Edited by: friskylez  at: 5/30/02 7:17:25 pm

[AmbersSecretAdmirer]

Okay, I am a straight male. I have always been and have always known it. I honestly know and believe it is the same for gay people. You dont choose whether or not you are gay, you choose whether or not you choose to live a lie.



If society was a better place then maybe gay people wouldnt have to be afraid to be true to themselves.

[Puppyfantastico]

I personally knew when I was about 13 ('82) because I had a big crush on another girl in my school. I couldn't do much about it for a few years, mind you, seeing as how I lived out in the country and didn't know any other dykes.



I would imagine that now lots of people realise when they're even younger.



Point of interest - a lot of gay men know they're gay when they're really young (under 5 even) whereas girls don't tend to know until they're teenagers.





------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Those whom the gods love die young

[AmbersSecretAdmirer]

Sorry if anything I said came accross as offensive. I just believe in people being able to be free to be who they are (providing they're not breaking the law). I have seen (and been the victim of) bullying and abuse and I hate that anyone should have to go through it.

[urnofosiris]

Oh hum, I was not trying to jump on you, and I swear I am not now, but heh, like you pointed out society can be a very big problem, and in some societies being gay is breaking the law.

Hum anyway, the question of the thread was when kittens realized they were a lesbian, I just wondered whether would be ok if all kitties replied should they want.

---------------------------



"I am giving you what you need, not what you want"
-The perfect excuse to be an asshole

[kyraroc]

I figured out I was bi in my early twenties, although some of my friends had apparently already known for years (wish they'd mentioned it to me.) I probably had enough evidence to figure it out when I was 13, though, if I'd had even a trace of a clue then.



--- KR

[diegosmumma]

ooh, I love this one.

I was 5, in Kindergarten, her name was Sharon Morgan...I wanted her to be my girlfriend.

Lisa

[La]

It took me awhile to figure out for sure (finally "accepted" it for myself when I was 22), but I always had an inkling that something was different about me from my friends. I identified as bi at first (from when I was 19), and all my friends said they already knew when I told them that. I, too, wish they'd told me

~La

You know you've been in Korea too long when you see a random weed growing in the crack of the sidewalk, and consider pulling it out and bringing it home for your host mother to use in that night's dinner.

[kate]

When I look back to when I was younger it all seems so obvious and fits into place but I can't really remember what I felt at the time. I think I just presumed I was straight.



I never enjoyed sleeping with men, I thought I just didn't like sex. When I fantasised about women I felt shameful as it made me feel something I had never felt before. My friends and family are totally great, it was always me that had the problem with it. I couldn't even say 'lesbian' to myself in my head. So I kind of trickled out over a number of years. I always expected to feel like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders when I was finally out to everyone but I now realise you sometimes have to come out again and again, everyday.



Wow, it took me ages to write this, I was transfixed by the W/T caps at the bottom of the screen

[concrete]

I “always” knew. It was never ever a problem for me and/or my surroundings and nobody ever gave/gives it another thought. I realize it’s easy for me to say, living in a tolerant/permissive country and I’m fully aware of the fact that this is not the case in a lot of other places, sadly. /// And I must stop using so many 'forward slashes'...... ///

It's not so much that I'm always right, it's just that I'm never wrong
Time cannot erase.....the memory of your face

[Gatito Grande]

Wow, great thread---I could write a tome here. Will restrain myself!



Oh, per friskylez' opening example, could people put a year (approx.) as well as their age?



In my early childhood, I was conscious of wishing I'd been born a boy. Even at this early age, I was self-conscious enough to be ashamed of this feeling. But I sublimated it, and by my teens (mid-1970s), I came to interpret it as sexism: "I didn't want to be a boy, I just wanted the freedom of a boy!" Later on, I came to realize it wasn't that simple.



Sexually, I was just, well (shock!) confused: in elementary school (ages 6-12), I was aware that I was not "boy-crazy" the way a lot of girls were. Some girls . . . intrigued me (though I wouldn't have been able to put it into words). I got into conflicts w/ some girls that, looking back, I can see sexual tension written all over.



Edited to add: Oh yeah, I was accused of being a "lesbo" on several occassions during this period as well. As someone else said, there's nothing like trying to *not* look that will get you accused of looking. I thought that my accusers could see through me to that "Boy-Wannabe." I think I'm angrier over the shame I was made to endure than the (real) sexism I survived.



I was a mess in Jr. High and the first two years of high school: didn't really feel anything for anybody, but felt freaky for not feeling! (Hello puberty)



The summer between my sophomore and junior year in H.S., I had the Classic Homosexual Panic. There was this girl in the summer school gymnastics class, and I could not stop thinking about her. And I didn't even know her! But her body, the way it moved . . .



Then, my junior year I started noticing boys/young men. "Safe at last!" I had the requisite crushes and broken hearts through college (I am *so* pissed at myself for missing college experimentation!). This was the early 80s, and homophobia was still widely practiced on campus, even in California. Religiously/philosophically, I was still working through my beliefs about sexuality, esp. of the homo- variety. A few people in my college church group (Episcopalian) came out to me, and I finally firmly worked out that "Gay is Good and Godly." I began to (very) privately toy w/ the idea of being bi in my mind.



But it was not until after college that my sexuality began to assert itself personally. And I was the Last 22-year old Virgin in California!



Damn, and I said I was not going to ramble on and on . . .



Shite, in for a dime, in for a dinar (Whoops! Another Xenism creeps into my speech patterns). I'll end this post here, though, so the thoroughly bored can scroll onto others---



GG Online Catharthis Junkie Out

Edited by: Gatito Grande at: 5/30/02 2:41:03 pm

[ninjitsugrrl]

Hmm. Well, I had crushes on girls and female teachers all through H.S. but I somehow managed not to figure out I was gay until I was a Sophmore in college. I'm a little slow like that. I must say though that I am a senior in college now and thouroughly enjoying my gayness.

"My life may not be something special but it's never been lived before." - Ani Difranco


My Homepage

[WiccansIllusion]

I think I did see this thread on the old board..



but anyways, I kinda knew when I was younger, and I think someone else mentioned this, that I wish I'd been a boy. I'm 22, and my mother still yells at me for liking guy clothes etc. Eh oh well. I guess she shoulda known when I played with Star Wars, G.I Joe and Thundercats action figures instead of Barbie and My little pony.



I didn't really know though untill I was around 17 or so, and started getting turned on by all the Xena smut fic that people started writting hehe.



But in reality, I came out to a friend I'd known since I was 12 and she ended up telling me she had a girlfriend. So, I guess we both shoulda known LOL

'It's good to be a chicken casserole'-Sass, answering darkness

'My heart is cleverer then I and it knows what to do.'-MC Legends of the Kiss

[roamin]

I still remember the exact moment.



I was 15, playing ping pong (yes ping pong) with my best friend when I was suddenly overcome by the desire to kiss her



It was truly an epiphany.

[Pudds]

I was always a tomboy and probably having the other girls chase me during Kiss Chase when I was 9 was a bit of a give away. Still, didn't know what it was called until I was about 14, and didn't fully come to terms with myself until I French Kissed a girl for the first time at the age of 18.



It was a very confusing and difficult time during my teens, all I knew was that I liked girls and I thought the only way I would ever have one was if I magically became a boy...I'm so glad I was wrong about that!

[Lindy]

Quote:

---

Posted by Wiccansilliusion:

Eh oh well. I guess she shoulda known when I played with Star Wars, G.I Joe and Thundercats action figures instead of Barbie and My little pony.

---

LMAO, oh my, I had like 50 Matchbox cars but only 3 Barbies, one was a Ken, he was my hero btw. The Barbies sucked, they couldn't really walk and had no cool shoes. And everytime I got dolls as birthday presents I had to pretend I liked them. My mom never bought me dolls, but everybody else. My mom figured pretty fast that you can make me happy with Lego.



As for the "when did you realize" part. Oh my, it took me way to long, I denied my lesbianism to long, was happy with labeling my self bisexual and stuck around in boystown way to long (ok, now it should be clear that it took way to long, meh).

Anyway, in retrospective it all is clear to me and I can smile at the fact who my early crushes were and that I am no asexual weirdo who doesn't like boys, just a girl who prefers girls. And yes, after outing myself most of my friends told me they knew, well, yep, they could have told me earlier, heh.



It actually is funny, because I grew up in open minded surroundings and never had to fear that my family or my friends would turn away from me. I just had to come to terms with my self.

*********



Computers don't suck. ahem

[tommo]

Wow; what's the answer to this? It's weird; I've been gay for so long that I honestly can't remember a time when I didn't feel like this. Struggled with it, sure, but never didn't feel like I was different to my schoolfriends etc etc.



Anyway, I'm not sure. I've always know. I found out when I was 13. It's so hard to say. Heh.



And the award for the most nonsensical post of the day goes to...

----------
"Smut now." - Dark Madfic Tommo

[Epicurus]

I knew I was first attracted to women when I entered High School. The moment I caught myself making a conscious effort to not look while we all were changing for gym class is the moment I realized I was gay… and the point in which I began to live in denial. Which is sad now when I think back.



I always wanted to be a boy . When the kids in my neighborhood acted out TV shows or plays I was always a male character. Which is funny cause all my friends were like “well, you can play him” and they were quite natural and matter of fact about it.

I always agreed because it made me happy that I got to have a girlfriend (yet I always said to myself that I wasn’t gay just “acting” in love with a girl)



Hey roamin, playing Ping Pong doesn’t seem like that strange of a thing to be doing in order to have such an “epiphany”. I have similar memories revolving around that game.

"And to be completely honest it worked better as a story that the one good, sweet, level-headed person on the show gets it."
- Steve DeKnight being completely honest.

[Gatito Grande]

Let's see how quickly I can wrap this up (since I can't deny the urge to vent):



Two flicks: "The Hunger" 1984, and "Desert Hearts" 1986. The first (Sarandon and Deneuve---be still my shorts! ) turned "toying" w/ bi-ness into a recurrent fantasy. The second tipped the scale: "I get it! I like girls!" Sheesh, it only took me till age twenty-freakin-four to get a clue. And the schools said I was gifted . . .



Thus begins my young adulthood in Bi-Land. Well, maybe it "doubles your chances of getting a date" for some lucky bi's. Me? Gave me twice the chances of striking out! Maybe because I kept falling for straight and/or confused girls ( still a little behind the curve). One or two seriously messed w/ my head . . . a guy did that too.



Went off to grad school, NYC 1990: a cornucopia of possi BIlities, yet I end up w/ a guy. Who loves me (sort of), and accepts my bisexuality (we he said he did), but Lil Love-Starved Me buys the whole Let's Get Married and Have a Nice Normal Life. Seriously, it was OK for awhile . . .



After a few years, 3 things happen: 1)clinical depression hits, 2) I get *mega* into XWP, re-awakening my Grrl-Lust w/ a vengeance, and last but not least, 3) my HeavyDutyIndustrialRepressed masculinity begins to re-emerge. If "Mr.Wonderful" could ( barely) tolerate the first two, the third was utterly verboten---though being RepressConflict-type he was/is, I didn't know how over-the-line I was stepping. I thought I was being little more than my usual Tomboy Self; I was just being honest about it. Heck, when I bought my first suit at the thrift store, he was there w/ me, giving me fitting recommendations!



Well, to make this overly-long memoir not overly-longer, Mr. Wonderful, aka The

#@%$@&!!, walked out on me a year and a half ago, w/ the lawyer's summons soon thereafter. Mr. Wonderful v. GG was "settled" (blech!) last October. I gave that

%$&#@!! everything, and he kicked me to the curb. : -->



Oh yeah, when did I know? There's a point in here somewhere!



As much as it's hurt me, at least I'm free: free to be the Sexy B*tch I've always been (that's butch or bitch, depending on my mood and fashion-sensibility), free to lust after grrlz to my heart's (and gonads') content, free to explore just what it means to a 40-year old "Byke" w/ libido rising. Free to love and be loved w/o the straight (!) jacket of "normality."



Free to find my "Willow": she's out there somewhere!



GG Out

[Ryath]

Good topic!



Much like the rest of you, I was the big tom boy, never fully accepted with the girls or the guys. Caused me a lot of grief, let me tell ya I loved my Joes and Thundercats and play swords and guns! (I was a ninja.)



And, like most of you have said, it's something that I've always KNOWN, but didn't know what to call it for a long time.



And like some of you, I tried to pretend it wasn't true. I used to fantasize about women, but I always told myself that I was only allowed to for a little while, because I should be thinking about men.



One night, I was just like...I don't WANT to stop thinking about women! I like it! Then I was like.."Woah. I'm gay. I'm *gay*." And it was kinda huge in my head.



I told my mom when I was 16, ( 5 years ago) during the coming out episode of Ellen DeGeneres. How cheesy!

But it's all good. It's always been all good.

[Mara]

I thought I was bi when I was 16.

I was dating a guy i was in love wit him but then I fell in love with a girl and stayed in love with her for about 2 years. Surprisingly, it happened in a very natural way... of course I did a lot of self-questioning then, but I was never like 'no! it cant be so!'... I guess I never really had any prejudices against gay ppl even before I knew I was one, so that certainly helped.

After that I spent a while trying to figure out what I was and at 19, I was sure that I was a lesbian, even though I had fallen in love with a guy.



I've fallen in love with 3 girls so far and haven't dated any, but i'm dealing with it. I'm thinking of calling the one I'm in love with now after my exams... and am really nervous to see what happens becaoause our situation, if we got together would be complicated...

____________


"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo" - H. G. Wells


www.maradax.cjb.net

[frenchrose888]

A couple of weeks ago, I was going through some pictures of me as a little kid, around 5 or 6 years old. And on one of them, taken at school, there was that girl, whom I had totally forgotten since. And suddenly memories hit me : that girl had been my girlfriend then, which means we held hands and threw sand at each other. (ahh, young love.) Anyway, I guess it means I must have known, even back then, that I liked boys to play with, but not to play with.



But anyway, I first really noticed I was physically attracted to women when I was in Junior High, and it really didn't phase me. I thought (wait for it) maybe it's a phase or something. Heh. Turns out it really wasn't, and on my first year of high school, I just fell in love with a girl. And the moment I realized I was in love with her, it was like all these little snippets of my past just passed before my eyes, and it all finally made sense : I was gay.



It really was a very nice moment.*g*



Rose

[Lola19]

Well for me, the first time i really accepted it was when i told the one and only person that knows. That was 8 months ago.Iv known for years tho, i started noticing about 6 years ago (14) And as i got older i lived in the land off denial. Had a couple of boyfriends but there was always that something missing. Then came that night 8months ago when i told a good friend. She accepted it straight away and told me she would always be there if i needed her. That night was the first time i said the words out loud and freaked out. It made it more real so i jumped back into the closet and pretended that id never confessed to my friend, knew there was a guy at work keen on me so we became an item. It didnt last and i ended it. My friend knew why and she was the one that brought the subject up once again. From that day, i was no longer confused. I know what i want and im just trying to build up the courage to take the next step. Id love to find my willow, so i just hope that theres someone out there for me and i hope theres someone out there for all of u too.

Love and hugs

Lola xxxx

[AudreyAnne]

I knew in 5th grade. Which was almost 10 years ago. Or maybe it is 10 years ago. Ye, so I looked at the picture of Reba Mcentire(sp?)...and knew I wanted to marry her. I kept my mouth closed about it, had crushes on several girls...it was awful. Then when right after I turned 18 I started coming out to ppl. I had to get comfortable with it first, is what I think looking back over it...My friends, even my mother, had the sentiments of 'no kidding we knew but waited for you to tell us'. So now I'm all with the happily out and grumpily single. I think because it was such a no brainer for my family, they were kind of just like oh, you know, that's how she is, so no big deal. Well, didn't know my story would have such an odd reading summary. But eh...



It's different....Once it's out there.

[WonderAnt]

when did i know? uuhhhhh... at some point in time probably...



really though, i think it was when i was in fourth grade back in the late 80s, or was it early 90s? bugger it, i dont even know what year THIS is, much less back then. okay, i had big crushes on girls but i didnt even realize that was different than what other girls were goin through...i dont think i even knew what gay was. i called my sister a fag once when i was like 8 and she said, you dont even know what that means! so i was like Yea i do! and she said, what does it mean then? well of course i had NO clue so i just stormed off...

anywho, when i figured out that likin girls was something that wasnt 'normal' i finally was like...



'Wowsers, I think I am gay. Shibby!' (and i think that is an exact quote)



going to an all-girls private school gave me lots of girls to have nice big crushes on

-------------
These endless days are finally ending in a blaze --------------

[imperfectly]

I had one of those shouldahadaV8 epiphanies walking back from class my sophomore year of college. I had this really intense friendship with another girl in my dorm and I was thinking about it. Then all of a sudden it was like, “Huh… I’m gay.”

....................
the fact that i adore you is just one of my truths

[friskylez]

I can totally relate to the gym class and trying not to look comment Boy doest that bring back memories..I recently came out to one of my best friends in high school, we havent seen each other in 30 years and hooked up via classmates.com..Havent heard from her since, i guess looking back i thought it would have been kind of obivious, so maybe it wouldnt be a big deal, perhaps i guessed wrong..Anyway, i always knew i liked women, but until i met my first real love in 1979, i never knew what it was like to be with one and after that i knew women were it for me

carpe' noctem

[eccentrictulip]

good topic....

i'm going to use the cheesy, *it's nothing i didn't always know* line....cause on some level, i always did. i remember have an enormous crush on my swimming instructor christine when i was about 4 or 5....lol....i used to pretend i was wonder woman rescuing her from an alligator....i was a strange little girl....

anyway, it took me quite a while to fully realize it--i just always thought that eventually i'd like boys....i was constantly being told that everyone came into the whole having crushes thing in their own time. i didn't know it then, but all through school i had crushes on girls....don't ask me how i didn't know....i just knew that i liked to look at girls for whatever reason, but since they weren't boys, i guess the whole crush thing just never registered in my head.

my freshman year of college, i fell madly in love....but much like i didn't know i had crushes all through elementary school on up, i had no clue that i was in love with this woman....she did, and she hinted around it a lot, but i just thought she was crazy. just within the past couple years, i've started fully realizing and accepting that i'm gay. and just within the past few months, i've started coming out. told a few of my closest friends last night actually....

anyway, that's my story....well, part of my story anyway....it really sucks that "alternative lifestyles" aren't talked about enough in the media....if i hadn't been taught to think that i had to like boys, or rather, that i eventually would like boys, i know i would have been out and about a lot sooner....but the whole prince charming thing is constantly drilled into everyone's heads from such an early age that it's hard i think to comprehend anything else....think we could get disney to do a lesbian fairy tale? there's a lovely one over in the pens board.....

*please use both hands....*

[areslei]

Hee hee! Ok, here it goes. I was in elementary school when I started having dreams about kissing this girl who was a friend of mine. Not ever hearing anything about homosexuality - positive or negative, I asked my best friend who would she kiss if she was a guy! ha! Eventually I figured out that there were many different types of relationships. Years later, while I was listening to Indigo Girls with my mom, she suddenly said to me, "They're gay, aren't they. I mean, it's ok if they're are; it just means that they're going to Hell. Are you gay?" That's when I realized that the label existed, and there was a name for what I was feeling. I guess I always knew I liked women...it's just at that time that it hit me that I was gay. And mom, that comment still makes me laugh. Ah, you can smell the ignorance.



Shortly after, when I was still in high school, I met my first girlfriend in a chatroom. She lived in PA and I lived in NM. In the summer of '98, she came to visit me and attend a few concerts with me. We got together one night - two days before she left. She thought things to be way too complicated, as she had never been attracted to women before, and she is 10 years older than me. But that changed when I asked her to be mine. We've been together for four years now.

"Hi, um Tara. I was wondering maybe you want to go out some time for coffee? food? Kisses and gay love?" - Willow - 'Normal Again'


"I know you had to go away, I died just a little..." - Michele Branch, 'Here With Me'

Edited by: areslei at: 5/30/02 8:42:32 pm

[girlwiththebraids]

i didn't really know until i was 19...sophomore year at college. after three BIG crushes on girls, i was like, oh, okay, i'm totally bi...and all my friends said "duh"...but i've always flirted with both men and women (or boys and girls in the earlier days) pretty equally. however, at this point in my life i lean more toward the female side of the world...but i still identify as bi, because i just can't help being attracted to guys sometimes, though not as often as women.







braids

"and it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time"