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[center]See Chapter One for disclaimers.[/center]
Chapter Three - Craving
Sweet, kind, caring, Patient with a capital P, smart, gracious, responsible, talented, Wiccan extraordinaire, pretty…. Willow wrote two more things. Then she stopped, staring intensely at the last words she had written.
She had a headache. Willow closed her eyes, cupping a hand over her forehead, crimping her temples with a thumb and middle finger.
It was a terrible misstep, a stall that caused things to go from terrible to worse….
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Willow walked hurriedly towards campus - destination Tara’s dorm room.
‘Well I think you should have told me you were gay!‘ I can’t believe I said that… and everything else! Doofus! Do I care if Tara’s gay – no! Gay-shmay… but why didn’t she tell me? Ok, so magickally pregnant. Is she… she said she was, Giles said it was true. This just isn’t normal…. Yes, because living on the Hellmouth and having a best friend that’s the Slayer is soooo normal. Don’t forget the furry boyfriend that wants to bite you every full moon. Correction, ex-boyfriend. She slowed her gait the closer she came to campus. Despite her good intentions and grand declaration at Giles’ she faltered. She stopped dead in her tracks, staring at the grass.
Ok. Pregnant… pregnant, because of me.
Willow was so preoccupied; she was surprised when she suddenly felt two strong hands holding her arms, shaking her slightly.
“Will, hey! You ok? Been calling ya.”
What’s with the deaf and droopy?
“Oh, Buffy, I… hi.”
Buffy tilted her head.
Uh-oh more Oz doldrums? “What’s up? Mocha or something?”
Willow eyes fluttered up to the general direction of Tara’s dorm then she turned to look at Buffy. She wanted to do the right thing, but a little detour couldn’t hurt. “Yeah, mocha.”
I’m stalling… coward… but best friend time could help… coward.
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Tara took a deep breath and stood up. She had spent enough time crying. Normally she would go to class, but there were more pressing matters today. She needed to see someone she had put off seeing.
I’ll freshen up, change, and go. I should eat, get something to go. What am I craving?
After a quick clean up, she was out the door. It was a nice day out, not too hot and not too cold. Perfect for her brown bag lunch in the park, a small stop along the way. At the very least, the pleasant weather was helping to keep her in spirits up. Despite all the turmoil, she was feeling strangely upbeat when she knew she should be nervous. Every now and again she would rest her hand on her stomach while she walked along, still partially in disbelief. With every step she gathered a little more courage.
“Well, here we are,” she whispered to herself.
She walked through the sliding glass doors and went to the circular desk in the middle of the lobby of the Women’s Health Clinic.
“Hello, can I help you?” A young woman with dark hair stood up immediately.
“Um, I need to see a d-doctor, but I don’t have an a-appointment.” Tara bit her lip.
“Is this for a check up or…?”
“Prenatal visit.” Tara stated firmly.
The woman tilted her head ever so slightly and gave her a quick nod. “Normally we’d need to schedule an appointment for you, but… let me see what I can do. Why don’t you take a seat and fill out this paper work.”
Tara smiled gratefully and took the clipboard as instructed. “Thanks.”
The woman smiled back and disappeared to the back of the clinic.
Tara finished the paperwork just as the receptionist returned.
“I finished. And, um… and I’ll need some information on affordable h-healthcare for l-low income s-single….”
The woman gave her a compassionate look, and then took the clipboard, scanning the information quickly to make sure it was properly filled out. She spoke gently and reassuringly. “Why don’t we get you into see a doctor and we’ll discuss your options when you’re done. You’re in luck, um… Tara. Pretty name. Dr. Pfeiffer can see you; she’s one of our best. Follow me.”
“Thank you, again.”
“All in a day’s work.”
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The walk to the Espresso Pump was strangely quiet. At least on Willow’s part.
Buffy yammered on about Riley and the Initiative. At first she tried, really tried to get Willow to talk, but her best friend had stubbornly kept her mouth shut. It was worrisome; Willow was never that quiet. So Buffy filled the silence with frivolous chatter.
I’m really out of best friend practice? I thought she was kinda over the Oz thing? She was hoping the familiar hangout and caffeine with chocolate goodness would make Willow spill.
“C’mon Will. What’s going on?” Buffy asked as they took their seats. “Oz?”
“What? Oz? No.” Willow shook her head, turning the mocha cup idly by the handle, first one way and then the other, back and forth.
“Tara.” Buffy sounded brightly.
“Tara? How did you…?” Willow looked up in surprise.
“She’s over there. At the counter, just walked in.” Buffy started to wave.
Panic overtook Willow again. “Wait… no… don’t….” Willow slouched down, hunching her shoulders and ducking her head. They had successfully avoided each other for a week or so. She had stuck to her normal routine for the most part and Tara had as well. That made avoidance easy, but today it appeared Tara had not.
What’s she doing here now? Shouldn’t she be in class? What, like she’s not allowed to be somewhere? It’s a free world.
Buffy speedily pulled her hand down and stared at Willow’s suddenly shrinking figure. “Willow?”
Oh no… oh no…! I thought I was ready, but I’m not. No, I can’t see her, not yet. Not here, not in public. Willow wondered if she could shrivel down to the size of a raisin. Maybe she would just sink to the floor and hide under the table.
It was too late.
Tara had seen them. When she first walked into the cafe she was oblivious and caught up in her own thoughts. Things had gone so well at the clinic, the check up went fine and she had some very good options for healthcare. It made her optimistic. Really, the only reason she was there was because she had a yearning for something sweet. A tiny celebratory treat. She might not have noticed them at all if Buffy hadn’t looked up at her and started to wave. She watched with a sinking heart as the slayer dropped her arm like lead and looked down at the table, pretending not to see her. She saw the redhead, with her back to her trying desperately to burrow into her jacket.
Great. Now they are both going to ignore me and… and I’m not going to let it get to me. She pushed up her courage, a small sandbag against the flood of negativity.
Willow felt Tara’s eyes on the back of her head.
I’m a jerk.
She didn’t dare turn to look.
What am I doing?
She wanted to disappear.
Hiding and being a jerk.
“Are you and Tara fighting?” Buffy whispered glancing quickly at Tara guiltily. She watched her best friend trying and failing to do her best impersonation of a snail retreating into its shell. “Will?”
I have nothing to be ashamed about, this isn’t my fault. I’m just trying to make the best out of this situation. Tara held her head up despite the tears threatening her eyes and swiftly departed. Wavering between anger and sorrow, she briefly considered approaching them. No, it just wasn’t in her to make a public scene. Instead, she left the café, choosing to walk past the window they were sitting at, like she normally would. As she walked by she kept her eyes level and her strides confident. She didn’t want to appear like she was skirting them or that she should run away and hide.
Ok, almost out of sight, just down the street and around the corner and…. When she sure she was out of view Tara dropped her head and slowed down. The bravado disappeared with each retreating step and she felt more alone than ever. Dragging her feet, she approached the closest trashcan.
Willow’s eyes trailed after Tara’s departing figure as her heart pounded out an anxious irregular rhythm.
I’m a bad friend. I was going to talk to her… and then Buffy…. Blah, blah, blah, excuses, excuses, excuses. She saw me and I know she did. Willow sank lower in her seat this time.
“Willow? Ok. Really, what’s going on? I thought you two were all gal-pally, all close and…?” Buffy looked a little annoyed, as well as concerned. Sure Willow was her best friend, but weren’t Tara and Willow all good witchy-friends? Wills certainly bragged enough about Tara, who really had proven to be a big help recently. Buffy didn’t know the girl well, but she seemed sweet.
Willow’s eyes widen slightly.
I can’t tell Buffy, I haven’t even talked to Tara. Yeah and that’s the big problem, I need to talk to her and I haven’t. Dork. “Listen Buff, I don’t want to talk
talk about it just now, ok? Tara and I had a fight… or um, misunderstanding.”
Understatement. Willow’s face became stony and a hard ridge formed along her brow.
“Are you sure Will… maybe I can help… or?” Buffy’s face softened seeing Willow’s defensives come up.
Willow let go of a defeated breath. “Buffy? What if… say, you did something, but, but didn’t do it on purpose. But it was definitely your fault and you got someone else in trouble and there was no way to really fix it?”
Fix it? Can this be fixed? “Now this person is in… um… permanent trouble. And worst of all, you freaked and… and….”
“Avoided them?”
“Yeah.” Willow finally looked up into Buffy’s eyes.
“Everyone screws up Will. Maybe you can’t fix it, but… avoiding it isn’t going to make it better, a lot of times it makes it worse.” Buffy gave Willow a small smile. “Groveling and baked goods can help too.”
Willow nodded and stared out the window. Tara’s image replayed in her mind, her stiff figure continually marching past the window. Her blue eyes piercing the back of Willow’s head making her want to repeatedly slap the burning spot for being so stupid.
I could’ve at least said ‘hey’ and added ‘can we talk’. What happened to my whole action-girl idea? I had action when I left Giles’! She set her jaw tight and slapped a hand on the table.
Buffy’s brows arched up in surprise. “Will?” She reached out and wrapped her hand gently around one of Willow’s wrists.
“Buffy, I should go.” Willow’s eyes danced up and down the sidewalk. “Really, I gotta go… um, Tara, she needs…. I, uh, you know.” Willow motioned out the window.
Buffy cocked her head. “Right, ‘gotta go’, I got that. So… say ‘hi’ to Tara for me.” She released her best friend.
Willow stood up pulling her bag around her shoulders and headed briskly for the door.
Now I have double apologies, no triple-quadruple times a thousand apologies to make! Oh, baked goods. She spun around quickly and approached the counter.
Buffy watched Willow’s mad dash almost out the door. She saw her best friend’s hasty return, the animated counter purchase, and the final whirlwind stumble out the cafe.
At least she remembered the baked goods, hopefully she does ok with the groveling.
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Willow ran as fast as she could clutching a small paper bag in her sweaty hand, the weighted book bag pounding against her back. She bent over grabbing her side and spied Tara in the far distance just entering her dorm building.
Faster, can’t these stupid legs go faster? Tara, oh I’m so sorry… for everything.
Willow awkwardly approached Tara’s dorm, bursting through the building’s front door and bounding up the stairs. Students quickly got out of her way, some protesting loudly. She didn’t care; she was a woman on a mission and she would not be derailed this time. She hit the top step, her sneakers squealing against the hard surface. She spun to her right and ran down the hall skidding to a hard stop. The heavy bag on her back pulled her body with force, and she accidentally collided into the doorframe with her shoulder.
Oww.
Tara had entered her room and was heading to her comfy chair when she heard the commotion in the hallway. The sudden crash at her door made her spin around startled.
Oh my, not another demon? In the daytime? She cautiously approached the door.
Willow tried to catch her breath, leaning against the doorframe and grasping the handle for support.
I am sooo not a slayer. You’d think after all my demon-bait-and-run experience I’d be in better shape. Willow hesitated, let out a short breath, un-crumpled the paper bag as best she could, and knocked softly.
- knock, knock -
“Tara?”
Tara had her hand on door, but when she heard the familiar voice she quickly let go of the handle and backed up slightly.
Willow?
I know she’s there, well what do you expect after… what? Getting her pregnant, freaking out, then ditching her? Oh - ho, let’s not forget the wonderful performance at the café! Willow leaned her forehead up against her fist still on the door. She pulled back and lightly rapped herself on the head in frustration. Then she straightened up, squared her shoulders, and tried again, a little louder.
- - knock, knock - -
Tara lingered momentarily then retreated two more steps backward.
What does she want now, after what happened at the Espresso Pump? She could’ve said something then or even just looked at me. But she hid from me and….
“Please Tara. I’m sorry. Can I come in?” Willow leaned into the door and pleaded.
Tara held her breath; the distance to the door seemed so great. There were too many things that could hurt her on the other side. There were too many things that already had. She took a few quick steps forward and silently turned the lock. Then she stood so close that she could feel Willow through the door.
- - - knock, knock, knock - - -
Willow earnestly tried again. “Please. I know you’re there. And….” She scooted close to the wall when a few people walked by curiously eyeing her up. “I’m an idiot, a really sorry idiot.” She gently tried the handle, but found it locked. Her brow furrowed, she had never been locked out of Tara’s room before. “Tara? Please, I’m sorry.”
Tara closed her eyes and bit her lip. Now she realized that
she still needed more time; but she didn’t want to hurt Willow either. There had already been too many damaged feelings. She turned and leaned back against the safety of the locked door. “Willow.”
“Tara!” Willow perked up and grinned slightly, happy to finally hear a reply.
“Willow. I need some… time.”
Time? Time for what? Why? Willow instantly scrunched her brow. “Tara? I’m sorry. Can we just talk? Please.”
Tara swallowed the stutter forming on her lips. “No, not yet… but we will. Willow, I… I don’t want to hurt you.
Hurt me? But I’m the one that’s done the hurting. Willow cringed. “Tara?” She rubbed a tiny spot on the door with an open hand.
“I just want some more time to….”
To do what exactly? What would you do alone that you couldn’t do with her? Think things over clearly, that’s what. “…think. Then, we can talk. I mean, if you s-still want to.”
“Time to think?”
Isn’t this how things ended with Oz? Willow was defeated; her voice became strained, and she fought back her tears. “Tara… are you going to leave?”
“No.” Tara instinctually turned towards the door. There was something very childlike about Willow sometimes that she couldn’t help but respond to. She leaned her forehead against the wooden surface. “No, just give me some space… I don’t want to avoid you, but I don’t want you to hide from me.”
Willow nodded. It was a small request. “Ok. I understand.” She paused and sniffled. “But, you will call me… when you’re ready? Or, or if you need something… anything?” She brightened up slightly. “I can deliver; you’re very own personal delivery person. Like now. I have something for you. I’ll just leave it by the door. You don’t even have to see me.” She put the small paper bag down by the door and stared at it. It seemed ludicrous, but suddenly she pinned all her hopes on it. She bent down and tidied up the small bag as best she could. “I guess… I guess, I’ll go now, unless you want me to stay?”
“No Willow, it’s fine; you should go.” Tara kept her voice even.
“Tara… I am, you know… really sorry… about everything.”
“I know.”
Willow sighed heavily. “Ok. Bye.” She dropped her head and skulked away.
I have a lot of groveling to do, much groveling with more than just baked goods. She lifted her head determinately.
When she no longer felt Willow’s presence Tara unlocked the door and opened it a crack. Satisfied the redhead was truly gone, she opened the door and peeked down the hallway. She caught a glimpse of the paper bag on the ground and picked it up. It had a slight weight to it. She shook her head and sighed heavily. It was an apple spice muffin; the treat she had bought herself and then thrown in the trash. She poked her head back out the door and turned to look down the hallway.
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For the past few hours Willow had tried to do her assignment, but gave up. Instead she turned to a notebook and started making a little list. A Tara-list of sorts, things Tara liked - eventually it became a list about Tara.
Sweet, kind, caring, Patient with a capital P, smart, gracious, responsible, talented, Wiccan extraordinaire, pretty… sexy, pregnant. Willow stared at the last two words.
Sexy AND pregnant. Huh?! Now her head really was aching. She closed her eyes.
She didn’t hear the front door open.
“Great, you’re home!” Buffy approached Willow, who was obviously distracted.
“Oh hey, Buff.” Willow opened her eyes and hastily closed the notebook.
“So, how’s things? Tara?” Buffy was hoping she’d elaborate.
“Um, pretty good… well better, I think.” Willow didn’t want to get into it.
“Oh-kay? How about dinner, you and me? We could do the old stand-by best friend and pizza thing.” Buffy could see that Willow was still upset and not looking so good.
“Maybe, um, when I get back. Later.” She glanced at the time.
“Grovel duty?”
“Just starting.” Willow rushed towards the door wanting to avoid any further discussion.
“Well who am I to stop a good servant? Grovel away!” Buffy called out to the departing figure.
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The soft knock on her door made her instantly nervous. Tara looked up from her reading and knew it could only be Willow.
She’s back already? What happened to space and time? Ok, but you said no avoiding or hiding. She hesitated, then got up and went to the door. “Hello?”
No answer? Hmmm. “Willow?”
When she received no reply she cautiously opened the door. Nobody was standing there, but she quickly noted the brown bag at the threshold. She craned her head down the hallway to see just a bit of Willow’s hair, before she turned to go down the stairs.
Tara picked up the bag and took it into her room. There was small note on the outside.
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Tara opened the bag. The first thing she lifted out was a daisy; she couldn’t help but grin a little. There was a small white bag folded in half that had a cookie in it. Next she pulled out a large water bottle, then a small square container that had a salad in it. Finally she pulled out the last container, finding one of her favorites, whole-wheat penne with smoked mozzarella and roasted eggplant. She held the small flower between her fingers, twirling it by its stem while her head argued with her heart.
I… I… need time. But she couldn’t resist quickly making her way to her window just to catch another glimpse of Willow.
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Author's Note: St. Starcomed your beta heaven!
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update’age! I'll have to catch ya later though, on the feedback tip.
. This is a wonderful story and I hope you keep updating. 
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