Clare,
This is totally awesome. I read that this was looking to be ten-ish chapters, and I hope that you’ll write something else after this. Due to the awesomeness. I’d been meaning to put this together, a proper feedback, and then you left me that very nice feedback and actually answered my questions (thank you, by the way), which made me wanna do this more. I’ve included both things that do and don’t work for me, operating under the assumption that you know there’s no malice behind it. Some of this is nitpicky stuff, I know, but you're already starting with a very good piece.
This is what happens, by the way, when I get used to commenting in Word and then have to go back to writing on the board. Well, this is one extreme. The other basically goes "tree pretty."
Also, it’s 3:00 am here, so if I don’t make any sense, just call me on it, and I’ll clear it up for you.
First, total bonus points for the use of the word . . . shit, you used an awesome word, and now I can’t find it, or even remember what chapter it was in. But you still get the points, even if I can’t remember the word.
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The prospect of blank walls frightened her somehow, and most of her own stuff was still at Buffy’s.
What I like about this is what isn’t considered: getting something new. It provides a feeling that Tara hasn’t moved on, that she’s still stuck in the same place as she was since she and Willow broke up.
Quote:
For some reason people always assumed that she would love poetry. She didn’t.
I really liked this, probably because I fall into the category of assuming Tara would love poetry. As you may have noticed from Queen of Hearts *cough* (it was this minor little thing, I’m sure you don’t remember it). I also really liked what you said about Tara looking to fiction as an escapist mechanism. Again, it establishes that she’s really not interested in moving on with her life without saying it.
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Willow. Here. Her…her ex-girlfriend. Former lover. Her no-longer significant other. The phrases rattled around Tara’s mind. Absurd, each one of them.
This doesn’t quite work for me, because I’m not sure
what about each phrase Tara finds absurd. Is it absurd that Willow is no longer Tara’s girlfriend, lover, and significant other? That Willow is so much more than that? Something else? When you say “Just . . . Willow” in the next line, it makes me think the middle one, so maybe my confusion is me being dense.
Quote:
Tara replied quickly, a mixture of shame and anger sharpened her tone,
‘What’s happened? Are Buffy and Dawn…’
I think these should be one paragraph, not two. And an ellipsis that ends a sentence still needs a period, so it’s four dots. Also, use a space between each period. So, it should look like this: “Dawn . . . .”
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She’s frightened. The thought caused another wave of shame and anger to wash over Tara.
This would be stronger if you said “I frightened her.” Active voice > passive voice. Also, I’m not sure why Tara’s angry that Willow’s frightened. Guilty, yes, angry, not getting.
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Then she sank down onto the bed and with her hands still full of crumpled paper, she dragged her fists across her cheeks, smearing tears all over her face.
I like this whole scene, but this line in particular stands out. You’ve set up very well that Tara’s connection to her current life is tenuous at best, and all it took was Willow showing up to just shatter it. Tara feels so broken here. You write later about her father’s visit, how that single blow was enough to shatter the person she had been. This feels so much like the same thing.
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Julie had listened sympathetically, without judgement, but on one point she had been firm.
‘You need to go back.’
Though it’s the impetus for the story, I have to say that I really disagree with Julie here: isn’t showing up going to just rip open the wound Willow made? She goes on to point out that the visit is for Tara’s sake, and not Willow’s, which, while admirable, makes me even more uncomfortable with the view. I think a letter or a phone call would have been kinder, something where Willow isn’t there, so Tara doesn’t have to try to deal with the emotion of the thing in front of Willow. This just seems mean.
Chapter 2Quote:
Tara slammed shut The Collected Works of Lord Byron. Trying to study had been a ridiculous idea.
If Tara hates poetry, why is she studying it? By this point she should be at least a senior (you say that Willow left for the city a year ago). By that point, she should have some choices in her coursework. But you can throw in like one phrase about how she needs it as a prerequisite and it's all cleared up.
I remember thinking that the end of Tara’s musings here drift from just angsty to overwrought, so I was pleased to see Tara came to the same conclusion.
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She still cared for her, she still…she still cared for her.
I really like this, that she has to self-edit to avoid think about herself as still loving Willow (at least, that’s how I took it.)
Quote:
Buffy’s tone of voice was deliberately even, but when she saw a flush creep over the other woman’s face, she felt a twinge of irritation.
While I
love that you’re writing from a third-person limited POV, you have to keep in mind that most people don’t, so readers aren't used to reading it. Particularly since we’re early in the story, and not used to the idea of jumping into Buffy’s head, this line can be a little confusing. If you change “other woman’s” to “Tara’s,” it’ll clear it up. Don’t be afraid to use names a lot.
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Great. Just great. What exactly did she say to her?
This is another place where you really need names to clear things up. Is Buffy concerned about what Tara said to Willow or vice versa? It feels like you mean what Tara said, but it isn’t clear. Even though I write from a third-person limited, it was actually the second or third read-through where I was together enough to say "oh, wait, that's
Buffy thinking, not Tara. Duh." Again, names help. (I've been cheating, and only writing scenes with two characters. This changes soon, and I'm nervous.)
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. . . so it’s all hands to the pump, or all monkeys to the grease, or whatever.’
So very Buffy.
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‘Yeah, it’s a beautiful thing. For better, for worse, in sickness and in health - all that good stuff.’ Buffy gave an exaggerated shrug. ‘I give it a month.’
Since we are in Buffy’s head here, if she is trying to say say something about Tara not staying around when Willow was going through withdrawal and whatnot, it feels like we should see it. Since we don’t, it makes me feel like Tara’s conclusion is reaching. Even without Tara's interpretation, Buffy's sarcastic comment at the end feels like it should come with some sort of internal comment.
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[S]he knew exactly who she was really angry with.
This makes me wonder about Buffy’s offer to let Tara move back in to the Summer’s household. If she’s mad at Tara, why did she extend the offer? Even if it’s something like “for Dawn’s sake,” which would make sense, a sentence to clear it up would make it more consistent.
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Let the housekeeper fairy clean it up.
I really like this line. I’m a sucker for writing techniques like parallel structure, so referencing the start of the scene at the end here is just awesome. I think it would be even stronger as either it’s own paragraph, or even as something Buffy says out loud to the empty room. But that’s just a personal style thing.
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She had. She knew that. And yet those words had hit her with the force of a revelation. An instinctive denial had come to her lips. Separating herself from Willow was an impossibility, how could Buffy say that?
She had said it because it was true. A simple fact.
I left Willow.
I think Tara’s instinct to deny Buffy’s assertion is perfectly valid. Tara drew a line in the sand and established very firmly that magic had become a deal-breaker. Willow broke the deal, and not with a “well, you were about to die so I thought I’d light the vampire on fire” sort of way. It feels like if you tell someone “if you throw a rock at that dog, he’ll bite you,” and then proceed to blame the dog when the asshole throws a rock at it. I guess this feels like Tara thinks she’s in the wrong here, when I don’t think she should.
Chapter 3Quote:
In fact, she had done nothing but loop through the same memories, over and over, and the hours had gone by, unnoticed.
I’m curious about the choice to gloss over what Tara’s thinking through here. You give us such a rich description of the present, but here Tara’s entrenched in the past. Even though the ride itself you describe as “a blur,” it feels like what Tara’s thinking about is missing. Are they good memories? Sad memories? Angry memories? You talk about movies and Dawn in the previous section, but because of the break it feels separate.
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This is an omen. I shouldn’t have come here.
I liked this because of the way rain and weather are used on the show; so much of the time So Cal doesn’t get rain, so nearly every time it rains in Sunnydale it’s for a storytelling reason. (e.g. “Hell’s Bells.”) Also: oddly enough, between the rain and the train, this really feels like England to me. I’ve never been, though I have a lot of family there, but it does. Maybe it’s priming because your doohicky says you’re in England.
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‘I think…without Tara there is no Willow.’
This felt a little off to me. Not because I think Xander’s inobservent, but because Xander has known Willow for essentially her entire life. Most of that was pre-Tara. Like, if he means that Willow wasn’t Willow before Tara, he needs to say that, and if he means since Tara showed up, he needs to say that. Not that I have any incredibly clever ways of keeping it as succinct as this is and still accomplish that.
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. . . snapshot, taken hurriedly during their brief meeting and developed later during the sleepless night at Buffy’s
Yay photography! Man, I wonder how long it’ll be before that analogy won’t work, because not enough people understand what developing is. I mean, I love digital photography, but that'll be weird.
Chapter 4Quote:
She should just leave, but it would be crazy to come all this way and not wait five more minutes.
This is such a familiar feeling. I really liked this.
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To apologise for failing to offer Willow a cup of coffee?
I liked this, the feeling that when it came to putting words to it, the reason was so trivial and insignificant, but because the real reason is huge. It reminded me of Angel showing up to apologize to Buffy, only to make things worse.
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It felt odd, having to give Willow permission to enter the room. Odd and unsettling.
This was good not only because it captures that awkward feeling caused by a relationship changing to be less close, but also because it foreshadows that Tara doesn’t like it.
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Tara got off the bed and walked over to Willow, who looked a little surprised until she realised that the tugging sensation was Tara, attempting to take the towel from her grasp.
You break POV here, which isn’t a crime, but you don’t do it anywhere else, so I’m assuming that it wasn’t intentional.
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She wasn’t hiding. . . . [Willow] was fine.
I love it when characters lie to themselves. Particularly Tara, because she’s more interesting when she isn’t a saint.
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I found a couple of lasagne in the freezer
I think lasagna is a mass noun, not a count noun. At least, it is in American English.
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‘You thought…you thought I’d come to tell you I had a new girlfriend?’
I also love it when characters miscommunicate. This reminds me of the bit in “Normal Again.” But there’s just so much in this little package: Willow’s realization that it wasn’t her apology that brought Tara out, the potential to feel like she’s misled Tara, thoughts of forgiveness going straight out the window, realization that Tara thinks she’s the sort of person that would show up in person just to say ‘I have a new girlfriend.” All this stuff just comes crashing down when she realizes what Tara heard and how it differs from what she meant to say.
Kate