Hey all. Well, an idea for a fic has been building up in my head for the last week and it was getting ready to explode
So, i got it all written out and, after many painstaking hours, i finally typed it up onto the computer and decided to post it. It's a quick fic (considering the one i'm working on right now is 188 pages long so far.... which is big for me
) but i hope you like it. I combined a little of my two favourite things when it comes to our girls (apart from the obvious things
) AU and the beginning of their relationship. Hope you like.
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FallingRating: PG-13…. Just to be safe.
Summary: You’ll just have to read it.
Pairing: Duh.
Spoilers: Some for Season 4’s “Something Blue”, but it’s pretty much AU.
Timeline: Before W/T got together, not long after they met actually. Maybe around Season 4’s “The I In Team”.
Disclaimers: All belong to Joss Whedon. Except Sideny and Kit, they’re mine.
Feedback: If you want to leave some, please do. Bad or good, i'm open to all.
Note one: All thoughts are marked with “…”
Note two: Willow’s thought are just marked with “…”, Tara’s are marked with the same, only her thoughts are in bold.
Willow hurried down the hallway, almost tripping over her own feet as she walked. She was late, or she thought she was, but she was probably overreacting, she did that sometimes. Usually when she was on her way somewhere. In particular, where she was headed now. Tara’s. Willow smiled ash she thought of the other girl, and almost tripped over again.
“Pay attention, Willow. Eyes on the road.”
She knew that her feelings for the blonde we’re growing into ones that surpassed friendship and progressively getting stronger, but it wasn’t as if Willow was able to stop them. Anyway, she kind of liked the warm, fuzzy feeling she got whenever Tara was around and she enjoyed gazing at the blonde, although she had almost been caught a number of times. Still, the thought of actually telling Tara how she felt wasn’t something she thought herself brave enough, or strong enough, to do. She’d gone over different scenarios in her head a million times and had come with just as many. There was the “I tell Tara, Tara never speaks to me again” theory, the “I don’t tell Tara and go completely crazy” theory and, on the more positive side, the “I tell Tara how I feel, she tells me she feels the same, then some much wanted smoochies ensue.” Theory. Truth be told, Willow liked the last one best, but in her head, negative thoughts out-weighed the positive ones by quite a bit. The redhead often found herself thinking about Tara as she lay awake in bed at night, Tara being the reason she couldn’t sleep more often than not. She would think about what it would be like if she told Tara how she felt and found out that the blonde felt the same.
“As farfetched as that may be.”
She’d think about what it would be like just to be able to hold her hand, or how amazing it would be to hold her and kiss her, but then she’d remember that none of those, or any of the other things she wanted, were likely to be handed to her on a silver platter. Or a gold plated one, or a bronze one or one made out of slate. She wasn’t going to be able to have any of the. Tara would never be hers, and it killed her. However, as much as Willow wanted Tara to love her, the way she loved Tara, the blonde was her friend and she would rather have Tara as a friend and in her life, than tell the other girl how she felt and lose her. Because losing Tara, well, Willow knew she wouldn’t be able to handle that. She’d fall apart.
Tara’s Dorm RoomShe glanced at the clock for what must have been the millionth time in the last five minutes and sighed.
“She isn’t coming. You knew she wouldn’t. Why would she want to spend her time with someone like you?”Tara winced, as she heard her father’s voice echoing in her head. As much as it pained her, she knew the voice was right. How could someone like Willow, some who’s smart, funny, cute and incredibly beautiful, actually want to spend time with her?
“A stuttering, shy, friendless idiot. You know better than to get your hopes up by now. She isn’t coming. They never do.”She tried to block out the voice, tried to tell it that it was wrong, but the voice just got louder, making it almost unbearable.
“You’re a fool! Did you really think she would keep coming back? That she would actually stick around and you’d become a close friend of hers? You’re more pathetic than I thought you were.”Tara struggled to hold back the tears, she’d done enough crying in her life and she was tired of it. Still, the though of the voice, of her father, being right was enough to bring her to tears. She had hoped Willow would stick around and be the friend she never had. She had also hoped that the redhead would return the feelings she had been having, but she knew that wasn’t about to happen. So, as usual, Tara would just have to try and forget the feelings she was getting, only this time was different. The feelings had never been anywhere near as strong as this before.
Outside Tara’s Dorm RoomWillow was staring at the door, just like she had been for the last few minutes.
“Come on, Will. You remember how to do this. Make a fist, lift your hand and then move it backwards and forwards against the door a few times.”
She still didn’t move.
“What is wrong with me? I’ve managed to contain my feelings for her pretty well up until now, it’s not like I’m walk in there and say ‘Hi Tara! How are you today? I just dropped by to tell you I’m in love with you and, oh before I forget, hello, gay now! Damn it Willow, knock!”
And she did, three times. As she waited, Willow could hear movement inside the dorm and moments later, the door opened. She couldn’t stop the smile from creeping onto her face when she saw Tara standing on the other side. The blonde’s lips curled into a perfect half smile and Willow felt her stomach do back flips.
Willow: Hi.
Tara: Hey. You c-came.
Tara stepped aside to let the other girl in and closed the door behind her. As soon as Willow entered the room, she was filled with a sense of peace and safety, the same thing that happened every time she was in Tara’s room.
Willow: You didn’t think I would?
She turned to face the other girl and almost keeled over at the sight of her. Every times she looked at Tara, it was like she was looking at a goddess for the first time. It just completely took her breath away each and every time. Amazing blue eyes, blonde hair that reached to just below her shoulders and skin so soft, she would use any excuse to touch the other girl.
Tara: I-I-I didn’t…. I um, I j-just thought….
Willow smiled.
“Could she be any cuter?”
Willow: Sorry, it was my fault. I would have gotten here on time if the Scoody meeting hadn’t run late.
Tara: I-it’s okay.
Tara walked towards her bed and sat down.
Tara: Any n-new nasties?
Willow: Nope, no new ones. Buffy and the rest of the gang are probably still at Giles’ trying to figure out this Adam guy…. Things. I’d still be there now if I hadn’t told them I had something extra important to take care of.
The blonde’s smile dropped slightly.
Tara: Oh. D-do you need t-to g-go? W-w-we can do this another t-time if you w-want.
She didn’t want to keep Willow from something important, but to her surprise, the other girl giggled and sat down next to her.
Willow: The extra important thing was you.
Tara lowered her head shyly and smiled, before lifting her gaze to meet Willow’s.
Tara: R-really?
The redhead nodded.
Willow: Really, really.
The stayed like that for a moment, just looking at each other, until Tara looked away, unsure and worried her eyes would give her true feelings away.
Tara: S-so, did you w-want to try a spell?
Willow: We can, if you want to, but I, um, well….
Willow pushed herself up off the bed and into a standing position.
Willow: I-I don’t want you to think that the only reason I hang out with you is because of the spells, not that I don’t enjoy doing the spells with you, because I do, a lot, I mean, I feel like…. Our-our connection with magick is so….
She made a gesture with her hands while she paced around in front of Tara, something she didn’t realise she was doing.
Willow: It’s strong, like, really strong and I’ve never felt anything like this before, and it can sometimes be kind of scary, but a good kind of scary because even though I just described it as scary, I kinda like the feelings I get, they can be pretty overwhelming at times….
She trailed off, hoping Tara hadn’t caught onto the hidden meaning that had slipped out and burrowed in behind the words.
Willow: But, um…. Okay, I know that there was a point to all this.
Tara chuckled and tucked her hair behind her ear, a habit she had developed over the years.
Willow: Oh, right, spells. I was trying to say that we could do some spells if you want, but I don’t want you to think that the spells are the only reason I come here. I really like just being with you and talking to you.
Willow sighed and sat back down on the bed, next to Tara.
Willow: And I don’t usually use so many words to say stuff that little, I could have just said, “we can talk a bit if you want” but do you get it at all?
The blonde bit her bottom lip, another habit she had picked up, and nodded, before lifting up gaze to look at Willow again.
Tara: I do.
Willow: Right, well….
Once again, the redhead found herself distracted by Tara’s eyes and her babble stopped. In fact, her whole ability to think and speak was suddenly lost and she realised she could only make a few vowel sounds.
“So much for that only happening when I’m around guys I like.”
Getting lost in the dazzling blue eyes in front of her was becoming a bit of a problem and Willow knew if she didn’t look away soon, she would do something stupid.
Willow: Good. I-I mean, I’m glad you understand. Oh! Not that I didn’t think you would, I don’t think you’re stupid or anything, and please stop me talking.
Tara giggled and lowered her head.
Tara: Y-you put up w-with my stutter, I sh-should do the same w-with Willow babble. I don’t mind it anyway.
“It’s kind cute.”
Willow: It’s not like I ‘put up with it’. You’re stutter’s part of who you are and I like all of you, that included.
Willow grinned.
Willow: But I’m glad, because I do it a lot. You probably already noticed that though.
Tara: Yeah.
They both chuckled and Willow began to play with the sleeve of her jacket.
Willow: So…. what do you want to talk about?
Some Time LaterThe girls had made themselves a lot more comfortable while they had been talking. Willow had taken off her jacket, that was now slung over the back of one of the chairs in the room, at some point and was now lying on Tara’s bed, looking up at the ceiling. Tara was across from her sitting Indian-style and looking at the redhead. Willow rolled onto her side and noticed Tara drop her gaze as she looked at her. She couldn’t stop the smile that was trying so desperately to break through and continued with the conversation they had been having, bending her elbow so her head rested on the palm of her hand.
Willow: Horses?
Tara’s half grin appeared, as she looked at Willow and the redhead was very thankful she was lying down, because she was sure she would have lost all strength in her legs and fallen otherwise.
Tara: Yeah, you know. Those b-big things you ride around o-on and s-say ‘neigh’.
Willow: And this year’s ‘Miss Sarcasm’ award goes to….
Willow giggled and prodded Tara’s knee.
Willow: Really though, horses and me don’t mix. I had a bad birthday party pony thing.
Tara: Huh?
Willow: Pony tried to take my arm off. I look at horses and see really big ponies.
Tara: You-you’ve really never ridden?
Willow: Not after that. Do you ride?
The blonde nodded.
Tara: M-my mom raised h-horses. I w-was always around them. You should come some time. I-I could take you. I-it might be fun, might h-help you g-get over your f-fear.
Willow: Oh, I don’t-
Tara: I-it’s okay, I j-just thought….
Tara trailed off and she shook her head, dropping it again. Willow immediately felt guilty when she saw this and sat up, placing a hand on the other girl’s knee.
Willow: Hey….
It took a moment or two, but Tara finally lifted her head, returning Willow’s gaze.
Willow: it’s not that I don’t want to go with you….
The blonde’s gaze faltered again and she stared down at her hands. Willow sighed and made a decision. Swallowing her fear, she spoke again.
Willow: Actually, scratch that.
Without thinking twice, Willow reached out towards Tara and lifted the blonde’s chin with her finger to look at her.
Willow: I’d love to come riding with you.
They both smiled.
Willow: As long as you keep me safe.
Tara: I promise.
The redhead’s smile turned into a grin.
Willow: Hey, you didn’t stutter that time.
Tara tucked her hair behind her ear.
Tara: I-I stutter when I’m uncomfortable or nervous. When I’m, um, w-when I’m c-comfortable around someone, I s-stutter less.
Willow: Does that mean you were uncomfortable saying that?
Tara: No, nervous.
The words were out of her mouth before she had time to stop them and she knew what question was coming.
Willow: Why nervous?
Willow realised her hand was still holding Tara’s face and dropped it back to her lap.
Tara: I-I-I’m not all th-that comfortable around many people, s-so I don’t usually tell p-people that.
Willow: Oh.
The redhead started to smile again.
Willow: Does that means you’re comfortable with me?
Tara: Yeah, I-I guess it does.
Willow: Well, yay me. I mean, yay that you can be comfortable around me, because it wouldn’t be much fun for you if you weren’t. In fact, that might not be too much fun for either of us, because if you were uncomfortable then I’d be uncomfortable, but I’m not uncomfortable and neither are you, which is-is good because that means we’re both comfy and-
A hand on her arm stopped Willow’s babble mid-sentence and she glanced up at Tara. As emerald green eyes met breath-taking blue, the redhead fought down a gasp that was threatening to escape.
Tara: Willow. Breathe.
Willow: Huh? Oh, right, babble. Duh.
Tara chuckled and put her hand back on her knee. Glancing around the room, Willow noticed a picture on the table beside Tara’s bed and picked it up. The frame held a picture of Tara and another girl.
Willow: Who’s the girl with you?
The girl was just a little bit taller than Tara in the picture, with longish brown hair and hazel eyes, and she had her arm wrapped around Tara’s waist, holding her close, stomach to stomach, Tara’s arms around her neck, as they both smiled at the camera.
Tara: Th-that’s Sidney.
Willow: Is she your sister?
Tara laughed and shook her head.
Tara: No. I-I don’t have a sister.
Willow: A friend?
Tara: N-not exactly.
Willow: Then who?
Willow rolled back onto her side and watched, as Tara’s eyes dropped so that she was looking at her hands.
Tara: Sh-she w-was my g-girlfriend….
Willow’s jaw hit the bed.
Willow: Oh.
There was a long pause of silence, as the redhead looked at the picture she still had in her hands.
Tara: Are-are you freaked?
Tara voice was hesitant and almost a whisper. Willow shook her head.
Willow: No.
Tara: Really?
Willow: Really, really.
A flashback from the movie ‘Shrek’ flew through Willow head, but was banished when the blonde smiled a silly little half grin and looked up at her for a second, before looking down again. There was a question at the back of Willow’s mind that was begging to be asked, but she didn’t want to push anything.
Willow: Are you two still…?
Tara: N-no. S-Sid died in a c-car crash three years go.
The redhead suddenly felt incredibly guilty again.
Willow: I’m sorry. I-I didn’t know. I shouldn’t have asked….
Tara: It’s okay.
Willow: I still shouldn’t have asked. I mean, I was just….
Tara: What?
Willow: I was just wondering if you were still dating her….
Willow rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling.
Willow: Or anyone else.
She wasn’t exactly sure if she’d said that out loud or not, but judging by the silence on the room, Willow guessed she had.
Tara hadn’t expected the last part of the redhead’s sentence and, for a moment, she said nothing.
Tara: No.
Willow: Huh?
Tara: I-I’m not d-dating anyone.
Willow: You’re not?
Tara lifted her head and looked at the girl across from her.
Tara: You s-sound shocked.
Willow: I am. I mean, I was sure you would have been dating someone.
Tara: Why?
Willow: Well, who wouldn’t want you?
“The one person I want to want me, Willow. You.”Willow: You-you’re smart and funny, and you’re really kind, not to mention caring. You’re fun to be with and your laughter in infectious, which is a good thing because, a world without laughter? Bad world. A-and you’re really sweet and cute and beautiful….
Willow stopped once she realised she’d said that put loud. Tara, however, was still staring at the hands in her lap, but Willow could just make out the half grin that had reappeared on the blonde’s face.
Willow: I um, but-but that’s just what I think….
Willow’s foot was happy with its new resting place and it seemed it didn’t want to leave her mouth any time soon.
Tara: You-you think I’m cute?
Her head seemed to nod of its own accord and words continued to pour out of her mouth, past her foot.
Willow: Beautiful.
Tara could feel her cheeks burning and she knew she was blushing.
“Willow called me cute…. And beautiful.”Willow’s own mind was racing.
“Why won’t I shut up?! I’m going to have to staple my lips together because words are even managing to get back by big foot.”
Tara shuffled around on the bed a little and Willow spoke up again.
Willow: Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you all uncomfy.
Tara: N-no. I-I-I’m not.
Willow giggled and looked at Tara.
Willow: Yes you are, you’re stuttering.
The blonde shook her head and smiled, shyly.
Tara: No, th-that isn’t it. I just…. I don’t um, I don’t get that a l-lot. P-people telling me I’m….
Willow: Beautiful?
Tara: Yeah.
Tara was still avoiding eye contact with the girl across from her, not sure how to take Willow’s compliments.
Willow: I don’t get that. I imagined you’d have guys handing off you. Or, um, girls.
Tara: I-I guess people just don’t fall for the shy stuttering idiots of the world.
Willow: Hey.
The redhead’s voice was a little louder that time and Tara looked up, as Willow pushed herself into an upright position in front of her.
Willow: Don’t say that. Don’t even think it. Tara….
She scooted forward, closer to Tara, and raised her hand, pushing the blonde locks that curtained the other girl’s face behind her ear.
Willow: You’re an amazing person and I really wish you could see that, but I’m always going to be around, so I can remind you every chance I get. Just…. Please, don’t think you’re stupid or an idiot or anything else like that, and don’t let anyone tell you that you are. You’re a wonderfully person….
“And I love you.”
Her mind was screaming at her, telling her to say the last part out loud, but, as always, something held her back. She smiled at Tara and dropped her hand to her own lap, only to her fingers entwined with the blonde’s seemingly of their own accord. Their eyes met again, as they both felt a familiar feeling rise in their stomachs.
Willow: Can you feel that? The power? The connection?
Tara nodded and glanced back and forth between their hands and Willow. She could definitely feel the connection between them, but there was something else there too. It seemed like every time Tara touched the other girl, for however long, her feelings for Willow intensified. So much so, at times it even made her light-headed and dizzy, and her legs had turned to jelly when she was around the other girl more than once.
Willow: It’s so powerful….
Willow voice was almost dreamy-like, as she spoke and continued to gaze at their hands. She had never felt anything like this before. It was amazing. Just sitting there, holding Tara’s hand, brought out emotions Willow didn’t even know she had. At first, she assumed it was just the magick, but now she thought it could be something more. The connection between them began to grow stronger after they became friends and it continued to strengthen when Willow realised she had feelings for the blonde. That she was falling in love with Tara, and she really was falling hard. Still, no matter how strong the feelings were, she couldn’t bring herself to tell the other girl how she really felt. Truth be told, Willow was just too afraid. She valued her friendship with Tara more than anything else in the world and she was scared that if she revealed her true feelings, their friendship would be over. That would be a nightmare for her, she’d die without Tara in her life. When the other girl wasn’t around, Willow found even the simple task of breath difficult and when she was with Tara, breathing was so much easier. Tara gave her that strength, Tara helped her to live, and on the Hellmouth, that was incredibly difficult, but all Willow had to do with think of the other girl and her life was suddenly full of meaning again. She couldn’t risk losing that by telling Tara how she felt, no matter how much she wanted to.
A knock at the door roused Willow from her thoughts and she and the blonde both turned their heads in the direction of the noise.
Tara: C-come in.
Slowly, the door opened and a young man poked his head inside the dorm room. His dirty-blonde hair reached just above his shoulders and the white t-shirt he wore seemed a little too small for him, but he didn’t seem to mind. He smiled when he saw Tara and walked further into the room.
Tara: Kit, h-hey.
Kit: Hey, Tara.
He glanced over at Willow.
Kit: Who’s the cutie?
Tara: Kit, this is W-Willow. Willow, Kit.
Kit walked over to Willow and shook her free hand, noticing her other one was still holding Tara’s.
Kit: Nice to meet you.
Willow: You too.
The young man glanced down at the girls’ hands and smirked. Tara saw this and immediately moved her hand away from Willow’s, much to the redhead’s dismay.
Kit: I just came by to ask if you’re coming to the meeting tomorrow.
Tara: Oh, I t-totally forgot, b-but yes. I’ll be there.
Kit: Great. See you at one?
Tara nodded.
Tara: Sure.
Kit grinned and backed up, towards the door.
Kit: Okay, I’ll se you tomorrow.
Tara: Bye.
Willow: Bye.
He left the room and closed the door behind him. As he stood out in the hallway, he turned his head to look at Tara’s door over his shoulder and smirked, before continuing down the hallway.
Tara turned back to Willow and frowned when she saw the confused look on the other girl’s face.
Tara: What?
Willow: Meeting?
Tara: Oh, right. The m-meeting. Th-the college set up a g-gay and lesbian alliance group. Kit’s been b-bugging be about going to one of them for a w-while and I f-finally gave in.
Willow: Cool.
Willow grinned.
Willow: Maybe I’ll show. You know, for moral support.
She knew darn well that no moral support would be needed, but she’d use any excuse to be close to Tara.
Tara: I’d like that.
Willow: Yeah?
The blonde nodded and smiled.
Tara: Mmhmm.
Willow: Well then, I’ll drop by after class.
Tara: Kit s-said that the meetings are held in the s-same place as the W-Wicca group meetings.
Willow: Okay.
Tara: I-I’ll keep an eye out for you.
Willow opened her mouth to say something, but stopped when her gaze fell on the clock on the wall of the room.
Willow: 11:30? Wow, time really does fly when you’re having fun.
The redhead shifted her body and stood up.
Willow: I should probably go.
Tara: D-do you have to?
Tara couldn’t hide the disappointment in her voice, she hated having to say goodbye to Willow.
Willow: It’s getting late.
She grabbed her jacket off the back of one of the chairs in the room and began to put it on.
Tara: Y-you could s-stay here…. If you want. I mean, I’ll only w-w-worry if you w-walk back to your d-dorm now. Plus, th-this is Sunnydale. If you l-look up the w-word dangerous or unsafe in the dictionary, you’ll probably find S-Sunnydale written under it.
Willow chuckled.
Willow: Are you sure? I don’t ant to be a burden….
Tara: You’re not. I w-was the one who asked you, r-remember?
Willow: But are you sure?
Tara: yes.
Willow: I’ve been told I snore…. Buffy might have been kidding though.
Tara: I-It doesn’t matter either w-way.
“I won’t be able to sleep anyway.”
Willow: I move about a lot when I sleep. You could wake up in the morning and I could be lying on top of you.
Tara laughed silently, the sound echoing in her head.
“Yes, because that would be just awful.”Willow: And you might not be able to breath and you-you could suffocate and die!
Tara: Willow, calm down. If you don’t w-want to s-stay, that’s okay, you don’t-
Willow: No!
Tara’s head shot up at the suddenly loudness of the redhead’s voice.
Willow: I mean yes. I want to stay.
Tara’s crooked grin appeared once more.
Tara: Oh. O-okay. I um, I’ll find something for you to w-wear.
She got up off the bed and walked over to the closets at the far side of the room. Pulling open the drawers, she began looking through them, unaware of Willow’s eyes on her.
“I’m going to be sleeping in the same bed as Tara. I’ll be lying next to her, really close. Oh boy….”
The redhead continued to watch Tara, but quickly turned her eyes to the bedspread when the blonde turned around.
Tara: They m-might be a little big….
Willow: That’s okay.
Willow smiled, as Tara handed her the pyjamas she’d dug out.
Tara: Y-you can use the b-bathroom to get changed. It’s j-just across the hall.
Willow: Okay, I’ll be back in a sec.
Once the other girl had left, Tara let out a sigh that had been building up inside of her and grabbed her own sleeping attire, that consisted of a pair of shorts and a tank top. As she began to get changed, her thoughts once again moved to Willow.
“We’re going to be sharing a bed. I’m going to be sleeping next to Willow. Well, not sleeping, because there’s no way I’m going to be able to sleep with her lying so close to me. I’m going to have to somehow get a hold on my emotions and my feels. Gods, this is going to be tough.”She pulled the tank top over her head and turned around, just as the dorm room door opened and Willow walked in, looking down at the clothes Tara had given her.
Willow: They aren’t too bad. A little baggy, but….
The redhead trailed off, as she lifted her head and looked at Tara. Her breath caught in her throat and she, not so subtly, looked the blonde up and down.
“Tara…. In shorts…. Tight shorts…. And a tank top…. A tight tank top….”
Willow waved all her hopes of being able to sleep goodbye, as they flew out of the window.
Tara: But?
Willow looked confused for a moment, but soon figured out what the other girl meant.
Willow: Oh, um, I was just going to say that they’re baggy, but they’ll do.
Tara laughed, as Willow began to shake her arms, her hands disappearing under the sleeves.
Tara: Are y-you sure they’re okay?
Willow: Yup. They’re fine.
She continued to flap the sleeve up and down, simply because she thought it looked funny, and giggled. Tara just watched her. Willow could be incredibly cute sometimes.
“Willow’s incredibly cute all the time.”Willow: What side do you want?
Tara: W-what?
Willow: The bed. What side do you want?
Tara: Oh. I-I don’t mind. You c-can choose.
Willow: It’s your bed.
Tara: B-but you’re the guest.
Willow: You asked me to stay.
Tara: You agreed.
Willow: Tara….
Tara: Okay, okay. I’ll take the left.
Willow paused for a moment.
Willow: I changed my mind. I’ll take the left.
The blonde rolled her eyes, as Willow climbed onto the bed and under the covers. She grinned when she saw the look on Tara’s face and then patted the space next to her.
Willow: Are you gonna stand there all night?
Tara stuck her tongue out at the redhead and climbed in next to her. A moment of silence followed and, comfortable or not, neither girl liked it. As the seconds turned into minutes, Willow spoke up, asking the question that had been burning in the back of her mind since she had found out about Tara and Sidney.
Willow: Did you love her?
The question didn’t faze Tara even slightly, she knew it would come up eventually, along with more questions.
Tara: Yes, very much.
Willow: I’m sorry she was taken from you….
Tara: I-It’s okay. It w-was hard, losing her like that and I d-don’t think I’ll ever completely g-get over it…. But it’s, it gets easier t-to deal w-with over time, you know?
Willow: Yeah. I know what losing someone you love is like….
She tried to push all the thoughts of Oz to the back of her mind, not wanting to think about him and what he’d done. How much he had hurt her.
Tara: You-you’ve been in love?
Willow: Yeah. Oz. He was my first boyfriend. My only boyfriend actually. No one else ever really paid any attention to me apart from him.
Tara: I f-find that hard to believe.
Willow: Well, I wasn’t all that popular back then. I was geeky and shy and stuff. All the guys were after the more beautiful, popular girls.
“More beautiful than you? I don’t even think that’s possible.”
Tara: W-what happened between you t-two?
Willow sighed.
Willow: See, Oz…. Well, Oz was a werewolf.
Tara: W-w-what?
Willow: His cousin was a werewolf and he bit Oz one day. Apparently Jordie doesn’t like to be tickled. So, it wasn’t Oz’s fault.
Tara: You-you dated a w-werewolf?
Willow: Yes, but in all fairness, I’m not the only one in the gang that has dated a demon. Buffy was with Angel for three years and he was a vampire, and now Xander’s dating an ex-vengeance demon.
Tara: Oh.
Willow: Anyway, cutting a long story short, Oz was a werewolf and he cheated on me with the lead singer of some band, who also happened to be a werewolf. I caught them, he left.
Tara: That must have been awful for you.
Willow: It was, and like you said, I don’t think I’ll ever completely get over it…. But things are looking up. Life is starting to get good again.
Tara: Yeah?
Willow: Yeah.
Willow looked over at Tara.
Willow: And I have you to thank for that.
The blonde smiled at Willow, but looked away again, unsure of what the other girl’s meaning was.
Willow: I was a mess for a while though. I even tried to do a spell so that it wouldn’t hurt anymore, but it went wrong and Giles ended up blind, Xander became a demon magnet and Spike and Buffy fell in love and got engaged.
There was a moment of silence after Willow stopped talking and then laughter filled the room. Tara couldn’t hold it in anymore.
Willow: it wasn’t funny! I had to bake cookies for weeks after because I felt so guilty.
That piece of information only added more fuel to the fire and Tara’s laugh became louder, bordering on uncontrollable.
Willow: And I still don’t think Buffy has forgiven me for the Spike thing. She said she had the taste of chipped vampire in her mouth for days.
By the end of what she was saying, Willow had also started to giggle.
Willow: Giles turned into an alcoholic for the day, because even though he couldn’t see Buffy and Spike, he could still hear them kissing and I can only imagine how disturbing that would be.
Tara clutched her sides tightly, as Willow rolled over to look at her, still giggling herself. Her laughter stopped though, when she took in the sight of the blonde lying next to her.
“She’s even more beautiful when she laughs.”
She continued to watch Tara until her laughter stopped and she opened her eyes, looking back at Willow.
Willow: But, um….
The redhead trailed off, her words vanishing as she lost herself in the depth of the blue eyes in front of her. They were lying closer together now, a lot closer, with maybe only a few inches of space between them. It would be so easy for Willow to lean forward and kiss Tara, something she had wanted to do almost since the first time she had seen the blonde. Yet, it was something she knew she couldn’t do, because if she did, she’d find herself out in the hallway wearing the baggy bedclothes Tara had given her, then she’d find the door slamming in her face and her friendship with the blonde would be over. Forever. Willow rolled onto her back again and stared at the ceiling. She couldn’t let that happen, she couldn’t be the reason for Tara walking out of her life. It would destroy her. Willow would just have to continue to hide her feelings for the other girl.
“So I’m in love with her…. She doesn’t have to find out. I can do this. I can be strong.”
At that point, Tara began to shift her body, her hand resting on the redhead’s hip as she did so.
“Strong, Willow! Strong!”
The blonde moved her hand after a moment and rested her body back down on the bed, lying in a position matching Willow’s.
Tara: Sorry.
It took the redhead a minute or two to realise what Tara was apologizing for, putting her hand on Willow’s hip, but Willow really hadn’t minded all that much.
Willow: Oh, um, it-it’s okay. Fine, dandy even. Yup.
She mentally kicked herself for her flustered response and the room fell silent once more. The only light in the dorm was that of the moon, its pale glow illuminating the room and chasing away the shadows that crawled carelessly across the walls. The black silhouettes danced with each other for mere minutes, before pale rays of light moved them on, only to have more shadows replace them.
Willow stared at the wall, her expression blank, and her mind racing with thoughts. She was unaware that Tara was doing the same and that the same kind of thoughts were running through the other girl’s head.
The redhead nervously played with the end of her sleeve under the covers and closed her eyes tightly, desperately trying to get to sleep, but her brain just wouldn’t switch off.
“I’m never going to be able to sleep. No matter how much I try to shut them off, these feelings just get stronger and stronger. Tara’s just so….”
Willow sighed.
“I can’t help but fall in love with her.”
Hearing Willow sigh, the blonde spoke up.
Tara: You okay, Willow?
Willow: Huh? Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Can’t seem to fall asleep though.
Tara: N-not sleepy?
Willow: Not really.
“Okay, so that was a lie. Just a tiny little white one though! I am kinda tired, but being this close to Tara is driving me crazy!”
The redhead shuffled around some more, before rolling onto her side again, hoping that position would be more comfortable. She never expected to find Tara looking back at her, and Willow gasped when she found just that.
Willow: Uh, I um…. Uh, hi.
Tara couldn’t help but giggle when she saw the goofy, and somewhat nervous, smile on the other girl’s face. She wanted to so much to lean forward and kiss the lips she had dreamt about kissing, but just as Willow had done earlier, Tara decided not to and pulled back a little, still smiling.
Tara: Hi.
They lay there looking at each other, smiling, oblivious to the minutes that passed them by. Both girls also didn’t seem to notice that they were slowly inching closer to each other, drawn in by the other’s eyes. It was a while before Willow noticed anything and when she did, panic rang loudly in her ears, yelling at her to stop or turn over or something, but she didn’t. For some reason, she completely ignored the warning signals in her mind this time, she didn’t want to listen to them anymore. All the voices that were screaming at her, telling her not to go any further, were all drowned out by a sing string of words.
“Kiss her. You know it’s right.”
It didn’t shock her when Willow realised that it was, in fact, her own voice that was bouncing off the walls of her mind, because she knew deep down that it would be right. Kissing Tara, holding Tara while she slept, cuddling with her while she was awake, making love to her, all of these things, with Tara, they would all feel right. Willow just knew it.
They moved closer, their bodies touching, their faces no more than one or two inches apart. She could feel Tara’s breath on her lips and a shiver ran down her spine, anticipation flowing through her veins, making every last nerve in her body tingle. From the beginning of her toes, to the ends of her fingers, every inch of her felt as if it was on fire and the metal of the necklace she wore suddenly felt incredibly cool.
Their noses touched briefly, before Willow pulled back, her nerves getting the better of her for a moment. She grinned, somewhat goofily, as she leaned in again and lightly rubbed her nose against Tara’s, attempting an Eskimo kiss and pulling it off pretty well. She heard the blonde giggle and smiled, continuing the Eskimo kisses and not quite believing that Tara had not pulled away from Willow’s act of affection. Slowly, the redhead pulled back a little, so that she could look at the other girl properly. As Willow met Tara’s gaze, her smile began to fade as she tilted her head and leaned forward once more. The blonde’s breath caught slightly, as Willow moved closer and, almost subconsciously, Tara closed her eyes, waiting for it to happen. ‘It’ being the one thing she had wanted for so long. Time began to blend together, leaving them lost in the none existing minutes, maybe seconds, they no longer knew.
Tara: Willow….
Eyes still closed, Tara breathed out the word, almost unaware she had spoken at all. She could feel herself trembling, as Willow moved ever closer and noticed that everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. Willow’s eyes were still focused on the girl in front of her, but she stilled her movements and closed her eyes when she heard Tara say her name.
Willow: Yeah?
Tara’s eyes fluttered open and feeling the weight of someone’s stare on her, Willow also opened her eyes, fear of rejection, hurt and uncertainty highlighting them in the same way the moon had highlighted the room. The blonde saw this and desperately wanted to chase all those fears away, but when she tried to talk, no sound managed to make its way out
Tara: I, um…. I-I…. I d-don’t….
Willow felt her heart shatter, the pain of it shocking her, because she had never felt that kind of heartache. Not when she found out about Xander and Cordelia, or when she found Oz and Veruca in the musician’s cage, or even when Oz left, nothing had ever hurt her like this. Even though she had tried to prepare herself for rejection. Tara didn’t want her.
Willow: I-I’m sorry. I didn’t…. I shouldn’t have…. I’m sorry.
Willow threw the covers off herself and climbed out of the bed.
“I’ve ruined it! All I had to do was control these damn feelings and I couldn’t even do that! I’m so stupid!”
She spun around, looking for her clothes, grabbing them when she did and Willow began to put her sneakers on, not worrying about getting changed for now.
Tara: Willow-
Willow: I said I was sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you. I mean….
Willow trailed off, as she almost tripped over her own feet, just as she had done on her way to Tara’s dorm earlier.
Willow: I’m useless! I couldn’t even get a grip on my feelings for you for one night and now I’ve wrecked everything! The one thing I never wanted to happen has happened. I’ve ruined what we had and worst of all, I’ve lost the person I….
She stopped herself and wiped her eyes. She had to get out of there.
Tara: What?
Willow: Nothing.
Willow stopped at the foot of the bed and finally met Tara’s eyes, but only for a moment.
Willow: I’m sorry.
Panic suddenly rose in Tara’s body, as she watched the other girl turn to leave. Willow was about to walk out of her life, probably forever, and it was because the redhead didn’t think she felt the same. Willow couldn’t have been more wrong.
With dread gripping every fibre of her being, Tara sat up hurriedly and made a grab for the other girl. She managed to get a hold of Willow’s arm and pulled. The redhead was spun around quickly and she was pulled back towards the bed, the shoes she hadn’t managed to put on properly flew off, as she legs hit the bottom of the bed and she fell forward. She felt herself land, but didn’t open her eyes straight away, scared of what she might see if she did.
Tara: W-Willow? Open your eyes….
Tara got no reaction from the redhead.
Tara: Please….
Finally, Willow did what Tara asked her to do and she opened her eyes. The force of the pull had caused her to fall quite a way up the bed and she hand landed directly on top of the other girl, legs entwined, Tara’s hand still on her arm. She spoke the only words that registered in her mind at that moment, repeating them over and over.
Willow: I’m sorry…. I’m so sorry, Tara. I-
Tara: Shhh….
Tara took her hand away from the redhead’s arm and moved it to tuck strands of red-copper hair behind Willow’s ear. Willow sighed and leaned into the touch, before pulling away again.
Willow: I didn’t mean…. I just, I couldn’t stop myself…. These feelings, I-I couldn’t…. I never meant to…. I thought you might-
Tara: F-feel the same?
The redhead nodded and rolled her eyes.
Willow: Pretty stupid, huh? I…. I’ve just never felt this way before, about anyone, especially not another girl…. I guess it kind of threw me and I never really expected you to feel the same, but I always hoped…. Maybe I just-
Tara: I-I do.
Willow: What?
Willow’s babble stopped, as she looked at Tara confused.
Tara: I do.
Willow: You do?
The slightly smaller girl scrunched up her nose and frowned.
“She does? She does what? She…. She does?! But she can’t…. she said….”
Willow: You-you do?
Tara chuckled, causing Willow’s body to shake slightly, and she nodded, still looking into the pools of green above her.
Tara: I do.
Willow: Oh.
It was safe to say Willow was wearing the goofiest smile Tara had ever seen and she soon found it quite infectious.
Willow: Well, that’s good. I-I mean, great, that’s great. In fact, it’s so good I have no idea what to say, but that doesn’t seem to be stopping me from talking and have I mentioned that I babble when I’m nervous, or in this case deliriously happy? Although I doubt I needed to you that that I babble, you probably already got that. You know, it’s like a sickness, an incurable sickness, because no one shuts me up and I haven’t found anything that can stop it and it just goes on and on and on and on and-
Willow’s babble was cut short by Tara’s lips on her own, but it was brief, as if Tara was still a little uncertain, and the kiss ended, all too soon in the redhead’s opinion. Willow blinked once or twice.
Willow: An on and on, and it just gets completely out of control-
Tara pressed her lips against Willow’s again, with a little more pressure this time. She pulled back after a moment, licking her lips, and looked up at the other girl, who opened her mouth to speak again. The blonde was quick though, and gathering all the courage she could, her hand found its way to the back of Willow’s neck. She pulled Willow down to meet her and captured the other girl’s lips once more, only this time Tara deepened the kiss. Feeling the redhead’s body jump and then quiver at the new contact, the usually shy Wiccan smiled and moved her other hand to Willow’s hip, slowly working her fingers underneath the material of the pyjama top she had given Willow to wear earlier. Her fingers finally made their way under and Tara trailed the tips of them around in a circle, before running them up Willow’s back lightly and deepening the kiss further. Willow broke the kiss, after many minutes, suddenly, when Tara trailed her hand from her back, to her hip again, and up her side. As the redhead gasped, Tara began to smirk and she spoke, her stutter vanishing.
Tara: I think we’ve found a way to stop your babble.
End.....------------------------------------------------------------
Questions? Comments? Thanks for reading
~ Jen
I'd like to take a moment to talk about something that's happened lately. I'm also in love. It's a very special thing and I'm really rather proud of it. Yes, I'm in love with my own breasts. I feel no personal shame about this; in fact, I think this is the one. It's going to last. ~ Ruth
Edited by: Ginner WTluv at: 2/5/03 12:21:43 pm
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