Title - Walking Shadows
Author name - Indygo
Email - vholmes@pacific.net.au
Rating - Very G rated. I didn't mean it to be. When I started I thought I could insert some smut somewhere, but it just didn't turn out that way. Best not to argue with the muse. Maybe next time.
Disclaimer - So, no sex, but there is angst. Much angst. This takes place between seasons 5 and 6 so we're talking ANGST. All the characters are kinda depressed about the situation, and dealing with it.
Feedback - Naturally. This is my first W/T fic but not my first fanfic ever, so go on, I can take it! *smile*
Summary - Willow goes into super-mode trying to prepare for the spell that will bring Buffy back. Tara is starting to see the effects messing with dark magic are having on Willow, and the rest of the gang deal with Buffy's demise in their own ways.
Notes - Thanks as always to Lelak my beta-extraordinaire, especially for introducing me to the wonderful world that is Anya-speak.
Walking Shadows
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by and idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
-- MacBeth, V:5
She took a tiny step.
The garden looked the same, but her artificially heightened awareness made it feel so different. Her ears tingled as she trod on some dead leaves, their rustling as clear to her as someone gleefully smashing windows. Even the air around her seemed to make a low-pitched hum that bounced playfully against her eardrums.
Two grasshoppers scratched themselves in the undergrowth to the left. She listened to their keening with interest, trying to pinpoint the exact location of the sound. A ladybug landed with seemingly heavy feet on a leaf. A cat meowed in a yard that could have been four houses down the street.
Her control surprised even her. It was her greatest weakness, she knew. Her emotions attacked the fabric of her spells, caused the magickal energy to flux and flow chaotically. Tara was so much better at that, she had so much balance and gentleness, the elements seemed to just obey her will with so little effort. Once a spell was begun it rarely ever went wrong.
Tara. At the thought of her lover she heard a strange ringing in her ears. A cacophony of amplified sound threatened to overwhelm her. See? She mentally admonished herself, forcing herself to concentrate until the spell righted itself. The ringing dulled, and then disappeared completely. Her breathing slowed, her body relaxed. She felt attuned with the sounds of the garden once more, almost one with the inhabitants.
Her senses prickled. Loud clumsy footsteps were approaching from behind her. Someone tip-toeing up to frighten her no doubt. She grinned wickedly. Heavy tread, more like a booted footfall than a small shoe or bare foot. Xander.
She waited until the last possible moment, letting her would-be prankster sneak up to be almost within arms reach. Then...
"Boo!" She flung herself around, arms flailing.
Xander fell over backwards, his heart beating fast. "Jesus, Will. You scared the crap out of me."
"Oh, and you weren't trying to sneak up on me either were you, Mr Stealthy Pants?"
Xander had the good grace to look sheepish. "There might have been some stealth. But then there was UGGH! and now there's sore ass." He picked himself up gingerly, removing grass and leaves from the back of his jeans. "I was just coming out to tell you that Tara took Dawn to a movie and Anya has some things to do down at the Magic Box, so we're all set for that afternoon of Willow-Xander fun."
Willow smiled. Fun. That wasn't a word any of them had used too often in the past few weeks. Not since Buffy had taken up swan-diving from tall, rickety scaffolds. That had kind of sucked all the fun out of the universe.
She shuddered. The sight of Buffy's broken body sprawled across the wreckage still haunted her dreams. She sweated now, just thinking about it. She felt her fists clench, her stomach cramp. Anger rose in her chest and lodged itself in her throat so she could barely breathe. It fuelled her determination to set things right again. These rituals, the exercises, the training, everything was for Buffy, for that one moment when everything would finally come together and they could perform the ritual to bring Buffy back. There was no room for error. She had to be ready.
"I don't know Xander, I've still got so much work to do..."
Xander's face fell. "But we've been planning this all week, remember? Doughnuts! Mochas! Slothfulness!"
"Slothfulness?" Willow raised an eyebrow.
"I looked it up, but my dictionary is obviously lacking. I think it means 'To be slothy'. Come on Will, it'll be fun. Do you remember fun?"
"Vaguely." She shrugged, moving to the bench to collect her things. Pouches of dried herbs and some various spell books lay scattered around. "I'm sorry, I'm just coming out of the spell-haziness. Give me ten minutes and I'll be all with the fun and mochas."
Xander clapped her on the shoulder lightly. "That's my girl. I'll meet you out front. After that scare I think I need to go and change my underpants."
She screwed up her nose in disgust and giggled. "Ewww. Thanks for the mental picture."
He just grinned and wandered off towards the back door. As he reached the stoop, he turned back quickly. "Oh I forgot to tell you. Tara gave me a message for you. She said 'the lizard likes to have his tummy rubbed'. Whatever that means." He nodded and loped up the stairs, leaving Willow looking perplexed.
"The lizard? What...? Oh!" She laughed quietly, drawing the tendrils of magic around her again like a shroud. Her senses reeled again at the sensation of hearing that was hundreds of times more sensitive than the average human ear. Super-sense… that was what Tara called the spell. She used it a lot, mainly whenever they were out camping or just hiking in the woods. Willow liked to use the spell as an attunement exercise to test her ability to slip in and out of her super-senses at will. Soon she'd be able to do it almost without thought, and certainly without the incantation she'd needed earlier to activate the power. Enhanced vision, hearing, smell, touch...
Touch was her favourite. A couple of times when they'd made love she and Tara had experimented with that one. Her skin tingled at the memory even now. Even though Tara didn't like to use the magick too much for things like that, to enhance their personal pleasure, every now then she would acquiesce and they would explore how deeply just their touch could penetrate each other's skins, touching so deeply, feeling each others nearness so acutely they felt their souls shuddering.
But right now, there in the garden, she could use the advanced smell and hearing senses to find particular small animals hidden in the grass. She concentrated momentarily, opening her eyes in triumph as she located Tara's pet slinky. Well, not so much a pet as a permanent resident. The small creature nested near the back fence, his smooth body and webbed feet darting to and fro amongst the ferns.
Willow reached down slowly to touch the creature, rubbing it softly against the smooth of its belly.
"That's from Tara," she whispered to the slinky who was squirming and revelling in the touch.
After a while she stepped back, dissipating the last shreds of the spell expertly, returning all of her senses back to normal. As she usually did when she came out of the super-senses she felt strangely hollow, as if the absence of the magick created a hole waiting to be filled. After the magick, any magick, the feeling of normal Willow felt oddly constraining and limited.
She shrugged off the feeling, scooped up her things from bench and walked swiftly up to the house. Xander was right, she thought. An afternoon of nothing but over-sugared mochas and frivolous conversation was probably just what she needed to stop herself feeling so exhausted all the time. She was working now as well as researching for hours every day the components she needed for Buffy's spell. Then there was time out with Dawn and Tara, the occasional visits to her parents, plus the rigorous practice and exercises she was doing with her incantations.
It says a lot when Willow Rosenberg is feeling frayed around the edges, she thought wearily. The woman who could study for three days straight without sleep? The one who did spells for hours at a time without a break? The sensible part of her brain knew that she couldn't keep this pace up forever.
But it's not forever, it's just until I get this ritual complete and Anya and I can find the ingredients we need…
Xander was in the kitchen as she passed through, peering disgustedly at the meagre contents of the refrigerator.
"Sorry, we haven't really had a chance to shop lately, been a bit busy."
Xander held up a sad, droopy piece of broccoli with raised eyebrows.
"Yeah yeah… our busy lifestyle has been murder on the vegetables." Willow sighed. "Hey, lemme just dump this stuff and I'm ready to rumble."
As she walked through the house she looked around at the changes that she and Tara had made since they'd moved in. Candles sat on nearly every spare, flat space of the house. There were charms and Wiccan paraphernalia everywhere. She didn't think it looked cluttered, but there was stuff neatly hanging from walls, windows, wherever there was a space that needed filling after they'd taken some of Joyce's more bizarre art pieces down.
Dawn didn't seem to mind, it was as if the extra things in the house made it seem like a different place, not the house in which she'd lived for so long with her mother and sister. The last thing she needed was constant reminders of what she had lost.
Only one room in the Summers house remained completely untouched. As she climbed the stairs and walked down the hallway to the room she shared with Tara, Willow paused as she always did at the doorway to Buffy's bedroom. Not a single thing had been moved or changed. They'd even vacuumed around Buffy's things on the floor. None of them could bring themselves to admit to even the absence of Buffy, let alone that the absence could be something permanent.
Least of all me, she admitted to herself. And with the spell she had in mind, everything would be fine again. An unnatural death could be righted. The spell would work.
Their bedroom was immaculate as usual. Tara had a thing for neatness, she said it stemmed from having to be so quiet and meticulous as a teenager to try and keep out of her father's way. Apparently the thing for being tidy had just kind of stuck and stayed with her. Willow was careful to put her books and spell ingredients away before grabbing a clean t-shirt from the drawer and pulling it on.
As she turned to leave she spotted something out of the corner of her eye, a piece of pink paper lying haphazardly on the dresser, covered in the spidery handwriting she recognised instantly as Tara's.
Will,
I didn't want to disturb you so I asked Xander to let you know where we'd be. I don't think you'll be missing much, it's just some car racing, secret agent thing with guys with big muscles that Dawn wanted to see. I'm sure Dawn will give you a blow-by-blow over dinner.
Have a great afternoon with Xander, I think it's great you two are putting in some catch-up time.
See you tonight, counting the hours.
I love you
T
Willow couldn't help laughing. God, they were so domestic now! She almost felt that she should feel trapped by her life, but somehow she just didn't. Everything wasn't perfect, they were all too busy trying not to mourn Buffy for that, but it was as close to perfect as it could be under the circumstances.
In the back of her mind though she felt an instinct bred from bitter experience twitching madly. She couldn't help feeling that perfect meant what it always seemed to mean on the Hellmouth. Trouble.
"Hey Will, I'm not getting any younger down here. I'm starting to go all shrivelled and yucky, I've lost my walking stick, my teeth are going, Anya's gonna threaten to start feeding me through a tube..."
"Coming!" Willow folded the note and instinctively stuck it in her pocket, holding that small piece of Tara close to her for the afternoon until she could see her again. She knew it was sappy, but what the heck, it felt good.
She raced down the stairs, coming to a stop at the bottom and staring up at Xander who was busy making a huge deal of tapping his toes and staring at his watch.
"What?" Willow said in her best Jewish mother voice. "You got somewhere special to be?"
"Let's just get the hell out of Dodge, m'lady." Xander drawled, opening the front door with mock gallantry for Willow to walk through. They wandered outside, locked the door and made their way towards Xander's car.
"What did you wanna do?" Willow asked, turning her face up to enjoy the heat of the sun's warmth.
"Well, you know, I was thinking we could maybe do the Sunnydale tour, take in the sights of our high school era. Then I thought that might get kinda depressing, like 'here's the cemetery where we buried our friends, there's that tomb we nearly got eaten alive in...'," he quipped.
Willow patted his arm before moving around to the other side and letting herself in. "Yeah, but on the up side, the cemetery is like spooky-lite in the daytime. And, you know, kinda pretty."
"And yet, still not hitting the top of my list of tourist attractions." Xander replied sourly. The engine roared to life and he guided the car smoothly out onto the road. Almost randomly it seemed he picked a direction and started to drive, whistling softly as he went.
"Well, we could always spend the afternoon in your parents' basement. That place is almost like a rite-of-passage all of its own," Willow teased.
Xander raised his eyebrows dubiously. "Well, wherever we go, I vote it be via the Espresso Pump. I feel a coffee high coming on," he rubbed his hands together in delight.
"Hands on the wheel! Sheesh, you drive like Buffy!" Willow panicked.
After a brief awkward moment, Xander just smiled. "Still talking about Buffy in the present tense, eh Will?"
"Of course. Xander, I know what I'm doing. I just need a few more things and then we do some major mojo and Buffy comes back."
He nodded wordlessly.
"I could go you a couple of games of pool at the Bronze? We haven't been there in like forever." Willow made a quick stab at changing the subject, dreading the uncomfortable silence that seemed to follow any conversations involving Buffy.
"I don't know, when you play pool the balls tend to go in, no matter where you hit them." He protested.
She laughed softly. "No magick, I promise. Just me and my mediocre pool skills. Besides, I'm kinda wiped. No more channelling the dark powers for me today."
"That sounded good," he remarked, looking over at her fondly.
"What? No magick?"
"No, you laughed. That giggly, chirpy Willow-laugh that you do. Kinda reminds me of old times."
"Well, it kind of feels like old times. Well... except for the nice car, you wearing matching socks and me not hanging off your every word."
He chuckled, letting the last part slide. "Hey, I can't help it. Anya keeps storing all my socks in pairs. I have to go out of my way not to be matching."
"Ahh, the wailing of a kept man." She countered.
"Hello? Says she with the witchy hausfrau?"
Willow gave him a half-smirk, tinged with sadness. "I know! That's weird. And it's great..."
"...but it's sad too." He finished.
She nodded. "It's just that I keep thinking about why we're living there in the first place. Dawn."
He nodded, wistfully. "I know. You guys are like her two mommies now. We should change her name to Heather."
"We prefer 'older sisters' thanks! Besides, Dawnie's pretty grown up now, and with Glory out of the picture it's not like she's a danger to herself, or the Universe..." She shrugged, her voice trailing off.
"Which is a good thing. Buffy did a good thing." Xander declared firmly.
"Of course she did!"
"I know. It's just, when my insides start aching… it's always good to be able to remind myself of that."
"We're gonna bring her back. I promise." She replied, her eyes hardening.
Xander swallowed quickly, nerves showing. "I don't doubt you Will, believe me."
"Then it will really be like old times." She added, eyes concentrating on the road ahead.
"Yeah," Xander repeated. "Like old times."
"So…" she continued lamely. "You up for the Bronze?"
"You betcha."
And the uncomfortable silence fell.
****
"OK, so explain that last part to me again?" Tara wrinkled her nose as she watched Dawn tuck into her third scoop of chocolate chip.
"The guy was a double agent. He was only working for the bad guys to save his little sister because she was working for the head bad guy, only she didn't know that he was bad."
"Who, her brother or the head bad guy?"
"Were we watching the same movie?" Dawn teased.
Tara sighed. "I'm sorry, I'm just a little vague today."
"No kidding," she replied, snagging Tara's milkshake and taking a long sip.
"I still say that the whole thing was overly complicated." Tara insisted, reaching over to steal her milkshake back. Dawn took one last sip before surrendering the cup back to its owner.
"Maybe. It was pretty bubblegummy though. Hey, do you want some apple crumble? They have great desserts here." Damn asked, staring over excitedly at the rack that housed all manner of sugary concoctions.
Tara shook her head. "Ewww, no. You know, I haven't been able to eat anything resembling stewed apple since I got my brain unscrambled. Willow fed me with so much of it when I was behaving like I was two, I pretty much heave whenever I look at the stuff."
Dawn cringed. "Bad memories, huh?"
"Oh yes." Tara returned. "But you go right ahead if you want. I know your hunger gland seems to get hyperactive after movies."
"No, I'm good. Maybe I should just wait for dinner."
Tara's face fell into a look of mock-surprise, her jaw dropping dramatically. "Who are you? And what have you done with Dawn?" She giggled.
The teenager glared, her eyes turning serious. " I mean, I have to start acting more like a grown-up now, right? Now that I'm on my own."
"Dawnie…" Tara reached out and took Dawn's hands. "You are never, ever going to be on your own. You hear me? Willow and I will always be here to take care of you."
Dawn swallowed, emotion rising in her throat. "And when I don't need to be taken care of any more?"
"Well, then we'll just be here."
"Oh." Dawn looked away, both embarrassed and pleased.
Tara looked at her young friend wearily. She felt so much of a connection with Dawn, for reasons she'd never really been able to pinpoint.
Maybe it was because they were both kind of outsiders to the Scooby gang, like they'd snuck in late to the show and missed the first act.
Maybe it was because she'd lost her mother too. She knew what it was like to crave a presence in your life that you'd never feel again, no matter how many people came and went, no matter how many of them claimed to love you or care about you.
Or perhaps she just had some kind of misplaced maternal instinct? She'd never really know for sure. Did it really matter anyway?
"Tara?" Dawn prodded her arm, concern etched on her face.
Tara shook off her heavy thoughts with effort. "I'm OK. Really. Just thinking about stuff. I wonder what Willow and Xander are getting up to?"
"Well, Xander was mumbling something about his old high school days this morning. I think the nerd squad are regressing."
"Oh God, please don't call Willow a nerd to her face. She'll need therapy for weeks."
Dawn winked. "The kind of therapy only you can provide?"
"Dawnie!" Tara's eyes went wide with shock. She picked up a rolled up napkin and tossed it across the table, hitting Dawn's grinning face. "Gutter ball! You're way too young for that kind of talk!"
The grinning continued, unrepentant. "Come on, I'm not that young."
"Ok, maybe not. But…" Tara hesitated.
Dawn's teasing look vanished, replaced again by concern. "But what?"
"But… OK, this isn't going to make much sense, and I'm not sure why I suddenly feel the need to say it now, but I don't want you to be in too much of a hurry to grow up."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," Tara fiddled with a strand of her hair that had come loose from her ponytail, trying to gather her thoughts into something coherent for a fifteen year old, albeit a fifteen year old who'd experienced more pain, anguish and confusion than most people twice her age. "Don't let what's happened to you taint what you see in the world around you."
"Okaaay…I'm still not quite sure what you mean." Dawn said, shaking her head.
Tara took a deep breath. "Well, I see it happening with everyone, especially Willow. We've all had these bad things happen to us. You and I have lost our mothers, you lost a sister, and we all lost a friend. And Buffy was so special, she was that that person who was always supposed to be there, no matter what, to protect everyone from everything that's out there. Her being gone, it's like… inconceivable."
She paused, taking a sip from her milkshake. Her throat felt suddenly dry. "It's easy to let hard times like that get to you, to make you bitter and angry with the world." She sighed. "I did, when my mother died? I got angry and confused and just afraid of everything. I thought everything and everyone was out to get me. I think it was just pure luck that stopped me from becoming something a lot different, a lot more jaded than I am."
"Or maybe you're just not that type of person?"
Tara smiled at the compliment. "Maybe. Maybe I could be, if…"
"…if it was Willow?"
"We c-can't think about stuff like that." Tara said, her nervous stutter giving away that she felt far less calm than she looked. "We can't think so much about what might happen, any more than we can obsess too much about what's gone."
She gave a quick thought to Willow. What time had she gotten to sleep last night, or the night before that? Then there was all the research, the training…
She shook her head firmly. "I think what's really important is what's here, now, and what we do with that."
"I understand. I think. Living for the now."
"Kinda hokey, huh?" Tara threw her a sheepish look.
"Not hokey… just so hard. When I think about Buffy, and Mom, I get angry. I can't help it."
"Hey. There's nothing wrong with getting angry. Or sad. Or just missing them. God, I miss my Mom more than anything else in the world sometimes. But you just can't let that rule your life. That's all I'm saying."
Dawn looked down at her hands, uncomfortable. "I'm not sure I'm that strong."
Tara breathed out loudly, her shoulders sagging. "Sweetie, I'm not sure any of us are. But we have to try."
They looked at each other for long moments, feeling each other's pain.
"You know what I feel like doing?" Dawn asked.
Tara blinked, her big eyes misty. "Going to find Willow and Xander?"
Dawn nodded. "And Anya, and Giles. I feel like being together. With everyone. I know that sounds lame, but…"
"No Dawnie, that doesn't sound lame at all. Actually it sounds like a great idea."
Dawn looked at her watch. "We've been gone for hours. Willow and Xander could be anywhere."
"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that." Tara smirked. "Just get me to a place where people aren't watching, I can find Willow."
"That is such a neat trick. You know, if Buffy had ever been able to do that thing you two do to find each other, I would never have had a social life."
Tara laughed. "Come on, let's go find the scoobies. May as well check at home first. Ten bucks says we find them on the couch watching TV. I don't need magick to figure that out."
*****
"OK, Xander, maybe telling that guy that the pool cue had more personality than he did wasn't such a great idea."
"Oh come on. It was true! Besides, it gave us a chance to get re-acquainted with one of the great pastimes of our high school days."
"Getting intimidated by oversized bullies wasn't something I really wanted to re-live." Willow replied testily, handing Xander a bag full of frozen peas. "Now, put this on your eye."
"Ow! Well, laugh now, but I still have my lunch money!"
"Yeah well, with the witchcraft the odds have sort of improved in our favour." Willow retorted, but her tone gave away an inkling of pride. "And did you see that tall one? The one with the leather jacket?"
"And the shirt that looked like it lost its way in the mid-fifties? Yeah, I saw him. He nearly implanted his fist in my spleen."
"Yeah well, I bet he spends the next year trying to figure out where all those green spots came from." She giggled. "That was almost as fun as the day I found that spell that let me talk to shrimp."
Xander shuddered as he moved the cold bag to a better position over his rapidly blackening eye. "Oh now, see there's a skill to pass on to your grandchildren."
"Of course I was looking for something to stop the mayor at the time, so I wasn't so buzzed, but later when I tried it, it was pretty neat. Though that's kind of basic stuff now."
"Yeah well, basic or not, I'm feeling strangely empowered. Try and take a pool table off us, will they?" He puffed up his chest and let it fall again like Popeye chewing on spinach. "So much for not meddling with the black arts again today though, huh?"
Willow bristled. "They deserved it. Besides, no one even noticed there was anything weird. It just looked like you were beating them all up." Xander flashed her a look. "OK, so that may have looked a bit weird, you being all Rambo-y. But at least he won't see the green spots until he takes off his pants. They just made him itch. A lot. Like poison ivy times twenty."
"Hey, I'm not complaining!" He threw his spare hand in the air, then winced as a shoulder muscle screamed in protest. "I got to appear all manly, without actually having to possess manliness - which I do possess by the way! Do they bottle whatever it was you used on me?"
"Yeah, it's called Eau de Testosterone."
A knock at the front door stifled Xander's retort. They heard the sound of the door opening and squeaking on its hinges. "Hello? Anyone here?"
"Anya? We're back here, in the kitchen." Xander called out, placing himself gingerly on one of the breakfast stools. He turned back to Willow. "Whatever happened, it was all your fault, OK?"
"Not a chance!" She protested.
Anya's tired face appeared in the doorway. "Xander? You're home!… and you're hurt! What hit you?"
Comically, Willow and Xander each pointed at the other, guilty looks creeping up their faces.
"We went to the Bronze." Willow added quickly.
"They're whacking people on their way into the Bronze now?" Anya demanded. "But Willow looks fine." She prodded the bits of Xander's face she could see with a fingertip, inspecting the damage somewhat less-than-gently. "I'm not sure I like this, it looks all green."
"Ahn, you know all the prodding and poking doesn't make the pain go away." Xander muttered, attempting to shield his face from his girlfriend's vicious hands. He held the bag of peas to his face tightly to stop Anya from actually sticking her finger in his eye.
"Well, I hope you won." She said, unsympathetically.
"Of course we did. We're bad-asses." Xander grinned and regretted it instantly as pain shot through his head.
"Who's a bad-ass?" Another voice enquired as two more figures wandered into the overcrowded kitchen. Each of them held stuffed shopping bags in their hands.
"I am so out of here," Willow exclaimed, making her way for the door.
"Uh uh, not so fast." Tara dropped the shopping bags she was holding and held out her arms for a quick kiss and a hug. It was only after she pulled Willow close that she spotted Xander's multi-coloured face. "Oh my God. Vampires? Wait… not during the day." She eyed Xander suspiciously. "Do I even want to know?"
"So…" Dawn continued innocently, "is the bad-ass the guy with the beaten up skull or the Wicca with not a scratch on her?"
"You know, on second thought I think the bruises are actually quite sexy." Anya responded, smiling over at Xander who was looking more petulant and miserable every second. "Maybe we should get you beaten up more often?"
"Pretty easy on the Hellmouth." Dawn added, joining Anya in inspecting Xander's face.
Willow stepped reluctantly out of Tara's embrace. "Neither of us are bad-asses. Some Neanderthals picked a fight with us at the Bronze. We made our point and then walked away."
"Ran away." Xander corrected.
"I was right the first time, I don't think I want to know." Tara shook her head and collected the strewn shopping bags. "If anyone needs me I'll be upstairs."
"Tara..?" Willow called, but she was gone, loping up the stairs in large strides. Seconds later they all heard a faint bang as the bedroom door closed hard.
Xander shot Willow a blank look. "OK, not really the reaction I was expecting. Was it something I said?"
"No, it's nothing. We'll figure it out. It's OK, she's just worried." Willow replied absently, throwing a concerned glance up the stairs. "I'll go up. Who wants pizza? I'm starving."
"Oh, me!" Dawn piped up. "Shopping makes me hungry."
Willow stepped away from the chaos that followed, only half-listening as the gang went through the usual trauma of ordering pizza.
Quickly she tuned everyone else out, concentrating her hearing on the bedroom that was almost directly upstairs. The super-sense kicked in on command and she frowned as she began to hear footsteps pacing back and forth. Then the closet door opened and shut with force and Tara flopped loudly onto their bed. She concentrated harder. Was that Tara muttering?
No. It was Tara crying.
She cut off the spell hastily, her ears ringing as the magic dissipated too fast. Control dammit, she told herself yet again.
A quick pain pierced her breast and she absently rubbed at the sore spot. "Get whatever guys. I'm going upstairs."
Anya and Xander exchanged grim looks as she left.
"So," Dawn asked, cheerfully oblivious to the tension. "Do you think Giles wants pizza?"
*****
She didn't knock but opened the door slowly. "Tara?"
"Willow, I don't think you want to speak to me right now."
Willow gulped, not moving from the open door way. "I don't understand. What's wrong? That thing that happened, it wasn't our fault."
Silence.
Willow crept further into the room. She could almost feel Tara's hostility, a thick ugliness that hung in the air. "Baby, I don't know what to say."
"I know that spell." Tara said simply.
Willow frowned. "What spell?"
"The one you used on Xander to help him beat up those guys. I read it in one of the books that you left lying around."
"Yeah well, he would have been toast without it. Seriously, you should have seen these guys." Willow replied.
Willow's flippant tone annoyed Tara even more. She took a deep, hissing breath but didn't sit up, she just lay there as if talking to the ceiling. "What on earth caused you to pick a fight with a bunch of losers anyway? Big losers no less."
"We didn't pick anything, they started in on us first."
"So you had to finish it."
"Damn straight."
"God Willow, I hate the fact that I have to sit here and explain to you why this makes me so mad! You should see what's wrong, I shouldn't even have to tell you." She sat up so that Willow could clearly see her tear-streaked face. "And you know what? I resent the fact that I suddenly sound like I'm your mother or something! I hate this! You shouldn't need me to tell you what's right or wrong."
Willow frowned. "What did you expect me to do? Just run away?"
"That's what you would have done isn’t it? Before the magick I mean?" Tara shot back.
"Before the…?" Willow recoiled. "Yeah probably, but I'm not like that any more." She sat down heavily on the carpet, stung by the acid in Tara's voice.
Tara merely stood, her thoughts in turmoil.
The silence stretched out between them. Finally Willow couldn't stand it any longer. She stood, holding a tentative hand out to her embattled lover, trying to make a simple connection that would make everything easier somehow.
Tara responded wearily, taking a pinkie finger with her own, letting the warmth of Willow's skin penetrate some of the layers of anger. How could she explain? How could she make Willow see how lost she was? How lost they all were?
There didn't seem to be a way.
"I want you to tell me about the spell." Tara whispered, fighting back fresh tears that threatened to overwhelm her.
"What spell?" Willow asked, confused.
Tara tensed, her shoulders feeling like they were connected by iron knots. "The spell. The one to bring Buffy back. This thing that has you so fixated."
"Oh. That? The book is downstairs, I can go get it if you…"
"No! I want you to tell me about it. What it involves. What you have to do." She answered, ice gripping her veins. "I want to hear it from you."
Willow cocked her head. "OK…"
"What are these ingredients you keep saying you need?"
Willow moved across the room and opened a chest in the corner. She pulled out some elaborately bound notebooks, flipping pages until she found the latest of her scribblings. "I'm still missing something called the Wine of the Mother."
"What is that exactly?"
"I don't know," she lied. Her insides ached. Oh God, but she just wouldn't understand.
Tara nodded. "OK. What else?"
"I've got Anya out looking for an Urn of Osiris. I don't even know if they exist any more. We're screwed if it doesn't. Everything will be useless unless we can find it. As soon as we get that we'll be ready."
"Ready for what, exactly?" Tara looked up, fixing Willow with intense eyes. Willow squirmed under her lover's firm gaze. "The ritual will be hard, won't it?"
Willow swallowed, and nodded. "I'll be…tested."
"Tested? Do the books say anything about… w-what that means?" She held Willow's hand tighter.
"I'm still researching it. There are still parts of the ritual I don't know yet. I don't know how long I have to keep it up, I don't know if I can do it all alone or if I'll need your help…?"
"Willow!" All of a sudden Willow seemed so fragile. Her legs threatened to go from underneath her and Tara reached out, barely catching her lover before she fell to the floor.
As gently as she could Tara laid the small woman out on the bed, smoothing her hair back from her forehead. She reached out and snagged a couple of pillows and laid them under Willow's head, cradling her small body in her arms.
"You shouldn't be pushing yourself like this, taking all this on yourself, it isn't right!" Tara whispered furiously.
"I have to. Who else will?"
Tara thought about this a while and couldn't think of an answer. She held Willow closer to her, nuzzling her neck, feeling her pulse through her skin.
"Please Will, please don't lose yourself in this. I couldn't stand it. "
Willow shifted in Tara's arms, turning slightly. "You're not going to lose me. Everything's going to be OK, I promise."
Tara shook her head. "You don't even know what kind of promise you're making, not really."
"I do." Willow insisted, snuggling into Tara's body.
"I need to s-say this, and you're not going to like it. But I have to." Tara said quietly. She felt Willow tense in her arms, but she continued, her heart sinking into her stomach. "It's not worth getting Buffy back if the price of getting her back… is you."
"Tara!"
"No I mean it, Will. The spells, the rituals, the training, it's taking this huge toll on you, and I don't like what it's doing." Tara said flatly, her voice harsh. "We've already lost Buffy, and maybe we can get her back, but there's no way I'm trading you for her. There's no possible way!"
"But it's not a question of that, really!" Willow pleaded, her eyes filling with tears. "It's not going to be that way. Tara, baby, I'm still me, I'm still the same person I always was."
"I-I'm not s-so sure."
Willow lifted herself up, cupping Tara's face in her hands. "Tara listen to me. Nothing is going to happen. And even if it did, there's nothing that could happen to me that you couldn't bring me back from."
Tara smiled warily. "I don't know whether to find that scary or comforting."
Willow's eyes begged for understanding. "I want everything back the way it was. I know it's dangerous and I know I'm doing a lot but you of all people know why I have to do this."
"Are you asking me for some kind of permission?" Tara asked, incredulous.
Willow shook her head. "No. I wouldn't do that. I'm just…scared." Her voice cracked, reduced to little more than a whisper. "I need you. I don't think I can do this by myself."
The plea was too much. It was all Tara could do to stop from breaking down in helpless tears. "You don't have to." She answered finally, clutching Willow close to her. "You don't have to do this alone. Just stay with me Will. Don't let the magick change you."
They lay there holding each other, neither of them wanting to move, perhaps forever. As the minutes passed they shared small kisses, soft caresses, wrapping themselves securely in the warmth of each other.
Willow could feel her senses reaching out, growing more sensitive to Tara's touch. Her skin blazed with heat, her fingers tingled. She thought she could hear every sound of the house, every creak, every footfall. After a while she thought she smelled the insistent waft of pizza as it drifted up from far below. Her body was alive and she revelled in it, completely relaxed, squirming comfortably.
And it's not magick. She thought wearily. It's just my girl.
***
"Do you think they're OK up there?" Dawn asked, nibbling on the crusts of a large pepperoni with extra cheese.
Xander looked up from his plate, a comical sight with a mouth dripping cheese and oil and a garish bruise now blackening half his face. "Do you wanna burst in there and ask them?"
Dawn shook her head quickly. "No. Obviously they need some alone time." She sat up in her chair, restless. "What should we do? I've got like all this energy and nothing to spend it on."
"Well, you're too young for sex. That's what I usually do." Anya answered, straight-faced. She picked up a large piece of cheese pizza and inspected it dubiously, oblivious to Xander's embarrassment and Dawn's look of horror. "I don't understand pizza. I've never understood it. You take all these ingredients that are essentially nutritious, put them all together and come out with something that tastes like cardboard and has no nutritional value whatsoever. And it makes you fat. I mean, where do all the good things go?"
"Anya, you're analysing your food again." Xander said, his voice dripping with patience.
"Yeah, if I thought too much about what I ate, I'd never eat anything," Dawn added. "You know, like hot dogs. Who wants to know what's in those? Probably like dogs and cats and stuff."
"Varklar Demons make the best hotdogs." Anya replied, taking a tentative bite of her food.
Dawn grimaced. "What, they have some kind of secret way of cooking them?"
"No, they have soft bones that grind easily."
Xander grinned, which only made his face look menacing. "Well Dawn, you will encourage her. I've learned not to question, otherwise you get details. Lots and lots of details."
They fell silent for a moment, each of them chewing quietly and thinking their own thoughts.
"I miss Buffy." Dawn whispered.
Xander reached over and squeezed her shoulder. "Yeah." The misery he saw on her face made him suddenly feel so powerless, so lost. He longed to pull Dawn into his arms and tell her that everything was going to be OK.
But it wasn't enough. No matter what he did it would never be enough.
Willow has power, he thought fiercely. She said she can fix this. Could she really pull it off?
I guess we'll see.
** Its gettin kinda HOT in here!! That was a grrrreat update!! Loved it, I mean who doesn't Love W/T showers!! Can't wait 4 more!! 
Always good.
Thanks everyone 
Ahem...anyway, need more a.s.a.p!! Oh also, I love the idea that Willow and Tara have to save the day, they are the only scooby gang we need! Oh, but annoying Dawn is still there...and Spike...pleh!!