You know, Entropy was just amazing to watch. I wished ME had just cut out all the extraneous bits (you know with Hallie and Xander and some Buffy bits and definitely the 3 stoodges) So, I have tried to do just that. I got rid of of all that except for Anya and a teeny Buffy bit.
This has not been beta'ed as I did not want to tax Owl too much so any mistakes (and I'm sure you'll spot them) are all my fault and I apologise now.
Edited to add that I only wrote this after Owl said she had missed all the good W&T bits and that was such a shame so this is for her as well.
Title - Coffee
Spoilers - Well you'd better have seen Entropy and Oh Yeah, go read Ruth's fic entitled 'Skipping it' . That would have been a kickass episode.
Disclaimer - Well, the dialogue was taken from the show, I admit it but their thoughts were all mine
. And I did quote Yeats as well.
Rating - PG, sorry, no smut.
'I can do this' Willow thought to herself,
'just because it didn't work the first 3 or 4 times does not mean it won't work now. I mean, the first time was the kissing friend thing, yeah?no big. And then it was just me waiting and leaving before she came out?Fifth time lucky, right? I mean, she comes out, I make with the small talk and ..and?. Come on Rosenberg, think!. This big brain of yours should be good for something other than the ability to explain algebraic topology. Ok, ,oh my god' "Hey!" Tara was glad to see Willow and not her quickly retreating back. She had wanted to call out the last few times but Willow's hunched shoulders and hasty retreat had made her hesitate. But not this time. The redhead was in front of her and she was going to do it. She was going to ask Willow out.
"Look at you. All coming-out-of-class and everything" Tara was wearing her leather jacket, the one she wore yesterday, when Willow chickened out of approaching her outside of the cafeteria. She wanted so much to reach out and touch Tara. Their close proximity made her feel so good but it was still torture not being able to link hands.
"I do that sometimes. Usually at the end part of the class." Tara wanted to say so much more, to tell her that she looked beautiful, that she missed her smile.
" Right" Willow took a deep breath. 'Right, this is good, we're talking and I'm not a babbling idiot out loud and she's not running away and there's no kissing
friend and we're walking together and?.
Ok, Tara-girl, she's here, you're walking together, you're a college student, ask her something. "How's your... you know, after the basement deal? Tara indicated at Willow's neck. She had been so frightened in the basement - not for her life but for Willow's. Realizing that they would always be in danger's path as long as they remained on the Hellmouth had given her the impetus to try again with Willow. Despite everything that had happened, having Willow in her life was something that she needed and she was not going to deprive herself of that any longer. She hoped that the red head felt the same way.
'Oh my God, she really is worried about me, yes! Willlow rejoiced internally
" It's between a hitch and a kink. With a side of twinge. It's okay"
Tara was relieved, "And Buffy's okay too? Enjoying the refreshing sanity and so forth?"
"Ha! Yes! Refreshing san-- that's funny!",
'Good Rosenberg, scare her off with your exceedingly false cheer and lack of conversation skills. This is Tara, the love of your life, the one person whom you can be yourself with! Don't blow it!. "She's okay. A little... freaked. I'm glad she didn't hurt you."
'More than glad' Willow thought, if Buffy had really hurt Tara, she didn't know what she would have done. She so did not want to think of that, not when the blonde was walking next to her - whole and smiling.
"You too." Those few minutes in the basement were enough to take away a year from her life. Seeing Willow tied up and maybe hurt and then having to fight the monster. Perhaps she should just broach the subject now, about them being together, "So, this is becoming kind of a regular thing. You and me after class."
Willow cut her off before she could get it all out "Uh, I didn't..."
She smiled at that, "Only this time you stuck around"
'She's not angry or thinks that I'm stalking her'. Willow's heart and mind rejoiced, but she still had that shred of doubt especially after the aborted first accidental meeting - the kissing
friend was still bothering her but she did not want to project her feelings of hurt on to Tara. She deserved to find happiness even if it wasn't with her, so she tried to sound cheerful "Oh, um... various sounds of hesitation..."
Despite not having spend most of her time with Willow for the past few months, Tara could still read her. She knew that Willow had felt hurt when she saw Sarah giving her a friendly kiss. It was just that Tara had felt so lost in the dorm and Sarah was a kind ear and a warm hug - they had comforted each other. Sarah had been kicked out by her family when she had come out to them and Tara was helping her through that. In turn, Sarah would listen to Tara's stories of Willow and hug her when she inadvertently cried at night. "She was just a friend"
"Friends are nice!" She trusted Tara and knew that if it meant anything more, Tara would have told her. Her heart felt lighter and she wanted to sing out, but she didn't have the voice and Tara was still explaining.
"You rushed off before I could, you know, explain."
Tara had wanted to explain to her, she had cared about Willow's feelings. This was too good to be true but Willow did not want to push the issue any longer. The girl and Tara were just friends and she and Tara were so much more and could be again.
" Officially, of course, I have to say that I have no idea what you're talking about." Willow teased, more at ease now that it had been explained away.
"Unofficially?" Tara shot back, glad to see that she had put the red head at ease at last and glad to elicit that brilliant Willow-grin.
'Ok, Rosenberg, the small talk is done, time to make your move, if you think about it anymore, you're brain is going to explode and according to Buffy, getting that out of leather is almost impossible. "We should get coffee some time. Maybe some day this week after class." She quickly added and held her breath but Tara did not make her wait long. She had given her 'The Look'. Willow Rosenberg had made Tara Maclay give her the flirty look. There was a Goddess and oh! God! her knees felt weak.
Tara couldn't wait to respond as she had hoped that this would occur and did not want to lose the opportunity " I'm free tomorrow."
Willow really wanted to sing now or at least do a cartwheel but she so did not want to frighten Tara off, she wanted Tara to feel at ease with her and not push her into anything. It would be different now, she would allow Tara to guide them and if it meant making Tara as comfortable as possible then she would acquiesce. "You could, you could bring your friend.". Internally she was cringing but she had to give Tara as much space and choices as possible.
Tara was already trying to decide what to wear and what to say and almost did not hear Willow. But when she did, it threw her. " I wasn't gonna?". Now she felt unsure. What if Willow had found someone? What if Willow was only offering friendship? Had she waited too long?
"I mean, if you have a friend" she trailed off, hoping that it wasn't true.
Willow had only wanted to put Tara at ease and immediately answered "No! I'm, oh, I'm friendless.". She wanted to say 'I love you, I only want you' but knew that this was not the time. Something was happening between them, though and it made her heart sing and her soul rejoice
Tara could only nod, the relief flooding through her body made it difficult to coherently string together a sentence "Yeah, yeah. No friends -- I mean, I have friends...."
"Many dear friends, yeah. But --" Willow added helpfully
"Coffee." Tara decided. Yes, they would go for coffee and it would be a new beginning.
"With us. Who are... just friends." Willow again added helpfully, knowing that they were so much more but not wanting to articulate it just yet. She was just going to enjoy the ride. It was like in the last scene in Casablanca. This was truly going to be the start of a beautiful 'friendship'.
She reached for Tara's hand then and as they walked down the hall, Tara began to talk about her class and Willow just listened.
It's just coffee, Willow thought to herself as she looked at all the clothes she had rejected and were now lying in a heap on the floor. Or at least she tried to convince herself of the fact that it would just be her and Tara partaking in the joys of a caffeinated beverage. But she knew that it meant so much more than that. It meant that Tara was willing to trust her again - with her heart. That was such a precious gift and she did not want to screw it up. Buffy had come by earlier and offered to walk with Willow and give her moral support and was now waiting patiently downstairs.
"Willow, if you don't get a move on, I am going to come up there and dress you myself. You are not allowed to keep Tara waiting!"
Ok, maybe the slayer wasn't so patient after all. She needed to be calm, she also needed to put on some clothes. Not that the thought of turning up in a trench coat and nothing underneath had not crossed her mind. If she thought that would woo Tara back, she would have done it in an instant. But she loved and respected Tara so very much and so settled for the outfit she had first picked out.
"Ok, I'm ready, how do I look?" she anxiously asked Buffy as she made her way down the stairs.
"Like you just won first prize in the sweepstakes and got a puppy and aced all you finals including the oral exam of 'How to Make Tara Happy 101' and?"
"So, not too happy then?" Willow replied. Buffy was right, she had not felt this good in ages. She had missed this feeling. How stupid could she have been to think that the Dark Magic high was even in the same league as this. She shook her head in wonder. That feeling was nothing compared to the feelings invoked when Tara said yes to the coffee or when she gave that flirty smile. Those good feelings lasted longer and made her soar higher that she ever could. She needed to get those feelings back, back to before the magic.
"Come, on lover wiccan, we can't keep your girl waiting" Buffy smiled as she pulled Willow along. She knew that Tara still loved Willow so much and was only waiting for the right time to initiate a relationship again. Perhaps the time had come - she truly hoped so. During the time that she had poured her heart out to Tara, she knew that the blonde witch was also hurting. So she had tried to tell her of Willow's progress and the fact that despite everything, Willow had lost sight of, the one thing that did not waver was her love for Tara. She was trying to regain so much now, Dawn's respect, Buffy's trust, Xander's understanding, Tara's love. At that, Tara had blurted out that she had never stop loving Willow. She could never do that, it was so intrinsic in her. Buffy knew that and had just wanted the blonde to admit it out loud. Her mother use to say that that was always the first step - admitting certain facts out loud would give you clarity. Like 'I slept with Spike' - that was going to take some practice but she was getting there.
What had started out as a stroll with Buffy in the lead progressed to a quick place with Buffy trying to keep up with Willow.
"Hey Will, you want to slow down before your shoes catch on fire?"
"Buffy, what if she's early, you said so yourself, we can't make her wait". With that, Willow broke into a run "Don't worry, I'll pay attention crossing the streets. Nothing is going to stop me from being there. I'll see you later".
Tara could see the Expresso Pump's sign and willed her heart to stop beating so fast. She had spent the entire morning changing her outfit four times and then practiced her conversation topics in front of the mirror. It wasn't as bad as getting ready for their first date, well first official date. Tara remembered throwing up a couple of times then and once on her shoes. At least that didn't occur this time. But this was still difficult. What if Willow didn't show or if she changed her mind or if she got hit by a car because she was running across the street directly towards her!
"Willow, you shouldn't do that" she admonished gently as she caught the red head and held on.
Willow just smiled as she tried to catch her breath. Truth be told, she was more out of breath because of Tara's touch than because of the running.
"Don't worry, all that running from Vampires all these years have really improved my stamina" Willow finally replied as she led them into the coffee shop. It wasn't too crowded and they managed to find one of the high tables empty. As soon as Tara sat down, Willow immediately went off to give their order. Tara wasn't surprised that Willow knew exactly what she wanted, she only hoped that Willow could divine her other greatest wish as well.
"Ok, one chai latte for you with extra cinnamon and a mocha with extra chocolate for me" Willow beamed as she placed their drinks in front of them.
"So tell me abo.."
"Do you want to know ab.." both of them spoke simultaneously.
Tara had decided to ask Willow about the past few months. She hoped that Willow would be honest and tell her about everything, the good and the bad. When, she heard Willow's opening sentence, she figured out that Willow had decided the same thing. They were still in sync despite not being together.
"I thought I would tell you about the past few months. About my problems and what happened?" Willow trailed off and was looking down at her feet. Tara knew that it took a lot of courage for Willow to bring something like that up. So she reached out and held on to her hand.
Willow was surprised at the touch and looked into Tara's eyes. Instead of hurt and pain, she saw understanding and love. So she slowly began to relate all that had transpired in the recent months. It was difficult talking about the magic highs, Rack and how she had hurt Dawn. It was just as embarrassing talking about the withdrawals and the nightmares. But the worst part was telling Tara about her feelings of inadequacy and her fear of not being able to be loved. She didn't think she could get through that but just looking at Tara's face helped. Throughout her speech, Tara just held on to her hand and listened. Her expression constantly switching from concern to sadness to love and pride.
When Willow finished, she did not feel tired, only relieved. Relieved that she was finally able to face her fears and tell Tara the truth. When Tara leaned in to hug her, it finally felt right again, like all was well in the world. She could feel Tara's pride and love for her eventhough no words of love had been exchanged.
Not wanting Willow to dwell too much on such dark thoughts, Tara then steered the conversation to more recent times. And Willow once again began to regale her with stories of cool monster fighting, like she did so long ago before Tara had become a full-fledged Scooby.
"Okay, wait, it was under her wig?" Tara asked incredulously, wondering if Willow was embellishing for her sake.
Willow was glad that Tara was enjoying the story but she remembered that it was truly a disgusting experience for her. "It was this thing, and it came out from inside her head."
"That's disgusting. What did it look like?" Tara still could not picture it. She could only picture her brave Willow wielding the axe, trying to protect Buffy, without magic. She regretted not being there. What if something had gone wrong? She was glad that nothing did but there was always the next time.
Trying to lighten the mood again, Willow shot back "Well... let's put it this way. If I wasn't gay before...". Her eyebrows arching as she tried to convey the ickyness of the entire scene.
"Gah. And this was after the invisible ray?" Tara shuddered and brought their thoughts back to other things.
"Yes". The ray that she had been tempted to try so that she could go and see Tara without hurting the blonde with her presense. But she didn't as she knew it would just be another violation on Tara that would be added to the already long list of things she had done.
"Okay, I go away for a couple of months...". She couldn't finish that sentence. She hoped that her regret did not filter through and was pleased when Willow continued filling her in. She loved the way, Willow's face lit up when she explained something or the way she would move her hands animatedly. She missed everything so much and just to be able to sit here and experience it all over again was like a gift.
Willow didn't want the date to end. She wanted to tell Tara so many other things. She wanted to profess her love again but knew that it might be too soon. Their relationship was not going to be a quick fix, like magic. It would take time and patience and she owed Tara as much so she settled on telling her about Riley's return next.
" Oh, did I tell you about the demon eggs?"
"See, now I know you're just trying to make me jealous." Tara couldn't believed she had missed so much but she knew that it was a decision she had made and one that she could change.
"So, what, no rollicking adventures in the dorms?" Willow asked. Hoping that Tara would tell her a long and involving story. Not about any friends but just about the time she was away. That way, this date wouldn't have to end any time soon.
"It's not the same. It's not like living in a house full of family or sharing a room with someone you...you know..." Tara did not know how to finish that sentence. It needed to be said but she was still afraid of admitting it just yet. Willow was never just a friend. Even when they first got to know each other, Willow was always special. Tara had told her as such so long ago.
"Are friends with?" Willow could sense her hesitation and decided to not pursue the issue just yet. She knew Tara's heart just as she was sure that Tara knew hers. Perhaps today would not be the right time but they were making progress and soon, she would be able to once again wake up with her life next to her. They were each so engrossed in the moment that they did not notice Anya's arrival.
She was dressed in red and wasn't too happy. Her mood had improved when she spotted the two witches. Yes, they would be able to help. She knew that they probably still loved Xander but they were lesbians, right. Didn't that mean that they were predisposed to supporting women's rights. Well, she had a right to vengeance and they should support her! That made sense, not in a human way but she wasn't human anymore.
"Hey" she greeted them.
Both Willow and Tara were startled but glad to see Anya again. Tara had dropped by the Magic Box a few times and Willow had left messages on its answering machine.
Anya was surprised that Willow had hugged her but it felt good, the contact made her feel human, despite it not being the case any longer.
"Oh my god. You're back", Willow hoped that her hug would convey to the ex-demon that she had been missed.
"We've been so worried" Tara added. She knew that Anya had been so hurt after the aborted wedding and had gone to the Magic Box the day after to see if she could help out. The sight of the locked door and closed sign had worried her she was relieved that Anya was now back.
Anya was slightly taken aback at their reception. She always thought that if Xander and her broke up, he would get the scoobies. It was like divorce court, she would get the apartment but he would keep the friends. But perhaps these people were not like that. Maybe unlike Xander, they could not discard her as easily. She hoped that that was the case. Tara and Willow were her friends and she didn't have many of those, despite being over a thousand years old. She hoped they would help her.
"Sorry. I just needed to... I couldn't stay here. Not after that."
"No! No, we totally understand." Tara did not know what else to say. Leaving may not have been the best choice but she had left Willow too and she couldn't judge Anya.
But you're back now. Right? Willow asked hopefully. She knew Anya was probably hurting more than Xander, but if Anya was back, then Xander could really tell her how he felt this time. Not about his fears, but about his love. Tara had not run away when Willow told her of fears, just now. And deep down, she was sure that Tara wouldn't run when she did tell her about her love.
"It's... complicated." Anya sighed. She didn't know if she should tell them about her deal with D'Hoffryn. They were her friends but she still felt so alone, her need for vengeance still overwhelming. "There's a lot to deal with."
If Anya was feeling even a tenth as bad as Willow did when Tara had left, it would mean that she was hurting so much and Willow felt for her. "If there's anything we can do, just let us" she hoped that they could help and offered it willingly.
The opening had been given and despite some slight misgiving, Anya plunged ahead "Actually, there is an eensy something I could use a little help with. You're lesbians, so the hating of men will come in handy." Yes, this was the best course of action, Xander had to pay and Willow had offered, so before the offer could be rescinded, Anya continued brightly "Let's talk about Xander."
'How did this date get to this point' Tara thought as Anya again tried to understand their position. It was slightly funny that the only thing that Anya could focus on was men hating. Perhaps she was remembering her demon vengeance roots. Tara hoped that was the only reason for the topic of their current conversation they were , having. But, despite all of Anya's weird questions, Tara still wanted to make her understand.
"It's not really so much about hating the men."
Willow was trying too, she really wanted Tara all to herself but Anya looked like she needed help ''We're more centered around the girl on girl action." She added hopefully. She wanted to think that that was solely directed at Anya but she knew that she had wanted Tara to hear that as well. If the blonde could give her flirty looks then she could drop a couple of eensy hints as well. Well, hints the size of anvils but that was her prerogative.
Anya felt like she was grasping at straws. They weren't suppose to be like this, all happy and light. I mean, she was slightly happy to actually find them together but now was time for her pain, so she tried to bait them again.
"And men really like to watch that kind of stuff, don't they? Men like Xander."
Both Tara and Willow were still confused. They always knew that Anya's thought processes didn't resemble anything remotely normal but even this was too oblique. They didn't hate men and neither did Anya anymore. It was obvious that she would hate Xander but?.
"Well, I?" Tara tried her best to formulate an answer but Anya again cut her off, she was on a roll, "Don't you wish his eyes would explode?" she looked at Willow.
"Well, Xander is a man, so it's kinda not the surprise that he likes to watch... Girls... Why are we talking about this?" she asked hoping that Anya would snap out of it. She really wanted to help but talking about exploding eyeballs really wasn't pleasant. Not that talking about penis-headed monsters was but at least that made Tara laugh and not cringe in her coffee.
"We're comforting me." The ex-demon almost wailed. This was not working out. Why did things not work out for her? Naturally, the these lesbians would actually like Xander. Not that she actually expected the stereotype to fit, Willow and Tara were all dresses and girly smiles. What she needed were those motorcycle jacket wearing, shaved head lesbians but she didn't know any of those. Perhaps Willow and Tara might but then they would ask why and she may have already told them too much. She needed to find someone who had just as bad luck with men. Someone who had been hurt by them, but who?
Tara was still trying to finish Willow's point "Well, I guess it's natural for guys to be interested in?." but Anya had given up.
She had to find a new ploy "God! What kind of lesbian are you?! If you love men so much, go love men!" and with that, she snatched Willow's drink and went off in search of Buffy. Angel and Riley had left her, Parker had used her and Spike was in love with her and to top it off, she probably hadn't had sex in a while. That was enough to drive anyone insane. She really wondered why didn't she think of Buffy sooner, the slayer would totally get her need for vengeance. She was going to have her revenge on Xander, she could feel it.
"I don't know whether to laugh or cry" Tara finally spoke as they watched Anya leave the coffee shop.
"I think a bit of both are in order but I'm leaning towards the crying bit. My heart just hurts for her and she took my drink!" Willow added. She knew what it was like to feel the way Anya had looked on her wedding day when Xander had left. But it was slightly different for Willow. It had been her choice, she had driven Tara away and Xander had chosen to leave. Different reasons but the same heartache. She offered a silent prayer up to the Goddess so that both Anya and Xander could find their way to each other again.
"Well, I guess I should be going soon too" Willow added as an afterthought knowing that Tara had one last afternoon class.
Tara felt disappointment fill her and tried not to let it show, so she ducked her head "yeah, it's getting kinda late, Dawn will be back soon and I do have that poetry class with Dr. Lillian"
"I could walk you back to campus" Willow offered and was glad to see Tara nod. Tara again wanted to take Willow's hand but something stopped her. So she just settled for walking beside her and listening to her voice. The walk was again peppered with talk of past adventures but the nearer they got to their destination, the less conversation was exchanged.
Willow did not want to get her hopes up. She knew that she had hurt Tara so deeply and that it would be a long while before they could even think of intimacy but talking was good and they had done that so now she had to go home and do up a schedule. Make a list of all of Tara's classes and highlight the ones that she could wait for her after, with different colored pens. She had to let Tara get use to having her in her life again and that was a start. She would let Tara set the pace this time. It would not be like the first time when Willow had made her wait due to her uncertainty and not knowing her own heart. Tara had been so patient then, telling her to follow her heart and allowing her the space she did not need. This time, she would patiently wait for Tara and give her the space that Tara needed but did not ask for.
Tara again wanted to reach out to Willow when they got to the auditorium. It would have been so easy to lean in and capture her lips but there was still so many things between them. So many changes they had endured and the different experiences of the past months. Things may never be the same between them, they may have become different people. Despite all her misgivings, she immediately regretted not doing so when Willow said goodbye and the door closed shut. She stood there for a few minutes, touching the wood, hoping that Willow was still on the other side. But when she opened the door, Willow wasn't there. She had gone home.
Tara felt unanchored as she sat down in the back row. The date had gone well despite Anya's interruption and they had reconnected again. But that was just it, despite not being together for the past few months, Tara had always felt Willow's presence. They were a part of each other and time apart would not change that. They would forever be a part of each other - Willow was the most essential thing in her life. She had acknowledged it the first time when she had tried to give Willow her doll's eye crystal and every subsequent time she touched, listened or talked to her. The continuous beating of her heart was because of Willow's presence, it always was.
She tried to concentrate on Professor Lillian's voice and his slides on Yeats. They were discussing 'The Second Coming' and Tara could hear the first verse in her head.
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Yeats had tried so hard to make sense of history and the world - to bring meaning and give understanding . He had tried to understand the fleetingness of life and the certainty of death while at the same time trying to find that which would not change - that which would not wither and die.
But she knew the answer, had known it all along.
Things fall apart and they had with Willow and her. Their life together was but a memory now but their love was still there. Their love had not died out, it still burned within their hearts. She could feel it, that had not changed. It had remained constant and despite the anarchy caused by any Demon or Big Bad, it would always remain. Bad things would occur and Willow may hurt her again or she could hurt Willow but that didn't matter. The hurt would go away, it would fade because it wasn't what mattered - the hurt would never be deliberate again. They may lose each other, go down different paths but that wouldn't matter either. It was as if she had an epiphany, it didn't matter if she wasn't ready or if she was still afraid, what mattered was that Willow was there, alive and whole - waiting for her. She could make Willow wait, she was sure that the red head would wait forever if necessary. But what was the point, why deny the one true thing that her heart desired - there was no reason to. Willow had given her space and was waiting for her. Her decision was easy really. She wanted to go to her now but she knew Willow would want her to finish class first, she was a big proponent of school and studying. So Tara settled back and began taking notes while at the same time planning for their night to come.
The End
-----------------------------
You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; It will not let you fall
And Death shall have no Dominion
Edited by: jomarch at: 5/6/02 1:12:58 pm
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