FIC: The Naughty Witches and the Freeze-Dried Slayer
Author: FroggyFrog
WebSite: www.FroggyFrog.com
Synopis: 13th ficcy about the escapades of a couple of Naughty Witches. The other 12 are at extraflamey or all bundled up at www.froggyfrog.com/froggy/nw.zip
Inspiration: a disturbed mind.. and kajjy, who would have beta read this if I was in the right time zone.
Distribution: It's free!!
Feedback: Starvefront.
Warning: Don't go into battle armed with asparagus spears.
Disclaimer: It's not my fault! Some people really did ask for this. Blame them.
--
Buffy collapsed in a heap in the middle of the floor.
She lay there, panting, obviously exhausted.
Willow and Tara looked at her from the table, where they sat shelling peanuts.
“Hey Muffly!” said Willow.
“Good slaying tonight?” asked Tara.
“Oh god it was terrible.” said Buffy. “I’m totally exhausted. So many vampires! And demons. I must have killed fifteen Bhuggame demons alone! And look at my jumper. This green stuff just never comes out.”
Willow pouted.
“Awww.. You must be so hungry too, poor thing” said Willow. She threw a peanut at Buffy.
Tara threw also threw one at her.
“You should get some rest after you’ve eaten, dear.” said Tara.
Buffy crawled over to the table and dragged herself up onto a chair.
"Yeah, thanks." she said, unenthusiastically.
Buffy rested her head in her hands. Her head was still connected to her neck, of course. It hadn't fallen off and landed in her hands, causing it to rest there. It was now also being supported by her hands in addition to her neck. Her elbows were resting on the table top to facilitate all this, otherwise it would have put too much strain on her arms to support her head and therefore would not have been very restful at all, and she was doing all this complicated stuff in order to be more rested.
"Perhaps you should have taken Giles, Xander and Anya to help you out tonight." Tara said, trying to be helpful. She sipped her vodka and lime and smiled at the glass. She liked her vodka and lime.
"I.. I was expecting them." said Buffy. "They never showed up!"
"Oh, there was an accident." said Willow.
Buffy sat upright, alert.
"An accident?" she said, suddenly alert. Her alertness was mentioned before but it's repeated here just for emphasis.
"Yes, an accident." said Willow, noticing how alert Buffy had suddenly become. "A terrible accident, wasn't it Tara?"
Tara looked slightly puzzled. "I can't remember." she said. "I wasn't listening. Giles, you know. Boring most of the time. Makes me rather drowsy. Or was that my drinky? Anyhow, I remember you had your hand in my blouse at the time, though. Does that help?"
"That always helps, Tara." said Willow. She pushed a peanut into Tara's mouth.
The alert Buffy frowned with disapproval. "What emergency?" she hissed.
Willow scrunched her face up and thought very hard. "Um, well, let me see." she said. "I think .. No, that's not it. Um.. it had something to do with his genes."
Just then Giles arrived at the door of the building in which the table, around which the witches and Buffy sat, was situated. The building was probably the Magic Shop but it doesn't really matter.
Buffy stood up, suddenly remaining alert. "Giles!" she said. "What happened? What's wrong?"
Giles looked grim. That involved a frown, the biting of a lower-lip, and a heavy kind of expression in his eyes. He also took off his glasses for extra grimness effect.
"It's okay, Buffy" he said. "Xander and Anya are .. um.. in hospital, but .. um.. they are okay."
Buffy looked shocked. This resembled grimness but involved a wider type of eye expression and maybe a dropping of the jaw instead of a lower-lip biting. Actually, it didn't resemble grimness very much, all things considered. She maintained her alertness and skillfully blended it in with the shocked expression.
"What happened?" she said. Again.
"Well, um.. they were on their way.. to the cemetery .. to help with your, um, slaying.. and they were involved in an accident in their car." said Giles.
"Oh no!!" said Buffy. "Was it bad? Did they hit another car?"
Giles shook his head. "No.. um.. no." he said. "It wasn't a car accident.. just an.. um.. accident in the car.. Anya's hand.. it became stuck in Xander's jean's zipper."
Willow gave out a squeal of joy. "Yay!" she said. "I knew it had something to do with genes!"
Tara kissed her. "Congratulations, darling!" she said. "A drink to celebrate, perhaps?"
"Ooo, yes please." said Willow, offering Tara her empty glass.
Buffy ignored them. She crossed her arms and looked very angry in an alert kind of way. "Explain, Giles." she said.
"Well, um.. Anya's had became, um.. stuck in Xander's jeans" Giles said. He looked very uncomfortable. His shoes had been giving him trouble, Buffy recalled. Giles continued ".. and anyhow,um, the doctors had to remove it."
"The doctors cut off Anya's hand?" said WIllow. "How cool!"
"One-handed Anya!" said Tara. "She can get a hook! They are so useful."
"Um, no." said Giles. "They removed her hand from Xander's jeans. It took several hours, evidently. Until they discovered that Anya was.. um.. holding on.."
Buffy scowled in anger. "And they are okay now?" she said.
Giles nodded.
"Well, I'm going over to the hospital now to kill them." said Buffy.
"No no!" said Giles, in alarm. "They are on their way over here. You'd be best to wait until they arrive."
Buffy stamped her foot. "Oh damn." she said. She stamped again. "Oh slay it all! I'm going to go home and rest. I've just had enough for one night!"
"Ok, Buffy." said Giles. "Let me take you home."
Giles helped Buffy stand up, because she'd forgotten how.
"Bye Scruffy!" said Willow.
"Bye Tufty!" said Tara.
Buffy followed Giles out of the place that was probably the Magic Shop.
Willow looked at Tara, a very serious expression on her face. Tara looked back at her, with an equally serious expression on her face. They held the expression for several milliseconds and then burst out laughing.
They happily returned to their peanut-shelling.
"We should help her." said Willow.
"Who?" said Tara.
"That slayer girl." Willow said. "Woofy. Blonde athletic-type girl."
"Oh, you mean Stuffy?" said Tara. "She was just here, I think."
"Yeah, that's right. Stuffy." agreed Willow. "Nice girl, eh?"
"Well, yes, we should help her." said Tara. "She's got too much work to do."
"Yes, far too much, dearest." said Willow. "And all she's got to help her is that bit of wood."
"Oh, is Riley back?" said Tara, surprised. "I'm surprised!"
"I'm not sure." said Willow, unsure. 'But was never of much use anyhow."
"Not really." said Tara, unrealistically. "And poor Miffy has so much to do, poor thing."
"Yes, far too much, dearest." said Willow, expensively. "And there's only one of her."
"True." said Tara, truthfully.
Willow jumped up and down in her seat, suddenly very excited.
"Wooot!" she said, happily. "I know what to do!"
Tara liked it when Willow was excited. It usually meant it was nearly bed time. "Yay!!" she said. "What can we do?"
"Well, we could make a few more Buffy's to help her out!" said Willow.
Tara frowned, and looked slightly disappointed. "Like robots?" she said. "Cos we've already done that. And they sorta did it on the TV show too."
Willow laughed. "No, not robots this time." she said. "Something much much better."
Tara thought she understood, and snapped her fingers. Then she scowled. Her fingers would need a splint now or else the bones would knit the wrong way.
"I know what you are talking about!" she said. "A duplicate that's not a robot!"
"Yes, exactly. Gosh you are so clever!" said Willow. "We'll look in that spell book that has all those spells that are incredibly useful and always somehow very apt and timely!"
"Oh goody!" said Tara. "I love that book!"
Willow went and got the book from somewhere and set it on the table and opened it.
"There." Willow said, pointing at the first page she saw. "That's the one we need!"
Tara frowned. "You know, Willow, we should only have the extra Muffy's around when they are actually needed." she said. "Or else it might get a little confusing."
WIllow thought hard. A wisp of steam escaped from her ear. "I got it!" she said, suddenly excited.
"Ooo, I know!" said Tara. "You got it, babe!"
"Aww, thanks!" said Willow. "But also I got what we can do with the extra Muffy's! We'll freeze-dry them!"
Tara clapped her hands in glee, spilling vodka and lime everywhere because she was still holding her glass. "Oh yes, perfect!" she said.
"And then, they can be .. um.. what's the word... rehydopted? rehydingered? re-hydrangered?" Willow scowled. "Hmm.. whatever.. they can be re-wetted when needed!"
"Oh you are so clever!" said Tara. "Um.. do you think.. um.. well, that is.."
"What's that, yummy-kickers?" said Willow, pouring another drink to celebrate her idea.
"Um.. well, you know the other Muffy?" said Tara. "Well, we've played with her in the past, yes?"
Willow remembered with a dreamy expression on her face. "Ooo, yes." she said. "She's a tasty one." Willows frowned. "But she's never terribly keen, I find. She seems distracted and not enthusiastic enough. And she keeps breaking our handcuffs.. it's getting harder to keep her still."
Tara smiled. "Exactly my point!" she said Tara, emphatically. "So I think that we should make sure any copies of Muffy are on the all-girl team!"
Willow grinned widely. Unfortunately she'd forgotten to swallow a mouthful of vodka and lime and it dribbled out of the corners of her mouth and spattered on the table.
"Ooo, yummmmy!" said Willow. "Let's make them all now!"
"But it's time for supper" complained Tara. "I've been warming the caramel all this time, and I've shaved, so it won't clump."
Willow licked her lips with her tongue, causing more vodka and lime to escape from her mouth. She decided to swallow it. The vodka, that is, and not her tongue. She'd swallowed that before and it had given her indigestion.
"Well, supper it is then!" she said, happily. "Then we'll make a few Fluffy clones!"
Tara looked happy and wriggled her ears. The witches disappeared in a thick cloud of purple-shaped smoke.
--
The next morning, Buffy, Anya, Xander and Giles were all in the Magic Shop. Except for Giles, who only arrived just now. So really Buffy, Anya, Xander were in the Magic Shop. And now so is Giles.
The next morning, Buffy, Anya, Xander and Giles were all in the Magic Shop. This is correct now.
"Sorry about last night." said Xander. He lay on the couch, making love to Anya.
"That's okay, Xander." said Buffy. She was feeling much better this morning after a good night's sleep. "Accidents will happen."
"Well, it was all his fault." said Anya in a husky voice. She was proud of her husky voice, and could also do rottwieiler and poodle easily enough, but struggled with certain dialects of collie.
"I'm sure it was." said Buffy.
Suddenly a cloud of bright, dull red cloud-shaped cloud-like cloud, clouded cloudily around the table. It dissipated quickly over the next fifteen minutes, revealing two witches. It was Willow and Tara, in case that isn't exactly obvious.
"Hello gang!" said Willow, happily. "How's things?"
Alert, Buffy suddenly looked very nervous.
"Fine, thanks, um.. girls." said Giles. "What can we do for you, um.. this bright morning."
Tara smiled. "Well, we were wondering if Fluffy wanted to come for breakfast." she said.
"Yes!" said Willow. "I did and it enjoyed it so much!"
Buffy winced at the crude innuendo creeping into the story. "No thanks, girls." she said. "We've got a busy night ahead of us, and we need to plan it all out in the finest detail. There's lots of demon activity going down, and frankly, I don't think we can all cope. Unless, of course, you girls come along and help.."
"Yes," said Giles. "Um.. you are quite, er, powerful witches.. after all, that is. um.. um.."
Willow nodded. "Yes, we are." she said. "But we are much to busy to help, I'm afraid."
"That's right." said Tara. "We've several very important parties to go to tonight."
"Yes." said Willow. "So we'll be far too drunk to be of any assistance to you, Muffy."
Buffy's face went red with anger. Actually, she'd just accidentally bit her tongue rather hard, and the pain was making her face red, but she skillfully added a scowl and it looked like she was really rather annoyed.
"Now listhhen here!" she said, lisping slightly because of the pain in her tongue. "You girls have got to stop this kind of behavior and help us out for once because I'm getting rather.."
"But we did help!" said Willow, looking rather upset. Giles went and hid behind the couch Xander and Anya were busy on. He didn't like it when Willow or Tara got upset.
"Yes, we really did!" said Tara.
"We've got new weapons for you all!" said Willow, suddenly very happy. She threw a bag on the table. An alertly suspicious Buffy went over to the table and looked inside the bag. She pulled out a rather complicated and futuristic looking pistol.
Xander climbed off Anya and zipped up his jeans. He winced and howled in pain. Anya sat up and tried to help him. Meanwhile, Giles joined Buffy at the table and looked inside the bag. Buffy shrugged him off. She didn't like being joined to Giles.
"There are, um.. more in here." he said. "One pistol each, in fact." He took one out of the bag and examined it.
"I say!" Giles said, happily. "These actually look rather effective."
"Yes, they do." said Buffy. "Very good! What are they?"
Willow and Tara beamed with joy, so happy to have done something useful.
"Well, they are sooper-soaker 5000's!" said Willow.
"Yes. Extra soaking capability!" said Tara.
Buffy's shoulders sagged. She really must fix her sports bra, she thought.
"You mean, these are water pistols?" she said.
Giles squeezed the trigger. A stream of water squirted from the pistol and hit Xander in the face. He fell over backwards, and Anya, who was tending to his groinal discomfort, fell with him.
"Yes, that's right." said Willow, happily. "Shall we all have a drink to celebrate our new weapons?"
"Oh, good idea!" said Tara. She scratched her elbow and six huge margarita's appears on the table. Willow grabbed one, sucked hard on the straw, and sighed.
Tara grabbed one and did the same, then clutched her head in agony. "Oooo" she moaned. "Brain freeze!".
Willow giggled. "Let me try too!" she said. She sucked even harder on her drink.
Buffy eyed the margarita. Maybe she might just have a little sip. She pinched herself angrily, then threw the water pistol down in disgust.
"Well, thanks for nothing!" Buffy said.
Willow put her drink down and went to pick up the gun.
"No no!" she pleaded. "You don't understand, Slutty."
She pointed the gun at the ground. "Tara?" she said. "Put one on the floor and we'll show them."
Tara pulled a small figurine from her cleavage, and put it on the floor.
Buffy bent over and examined the small figure. "What is it?" she said. "It looks like a tiny shriveled up doll."
"It's our new invention!" said Willow, happily. "A freeze-dried Slayer!"
"A what?" said Giles.
"A what?" said Buffy.
"A what?" said Anya.
"A what?" said Xander.
"A what?" said Tara, who felt like joining in.
"A freeze-dried Slayer." said Willow. "Watch!"
Tara handed her her wristwatch. "Thanks!" said Willow. "Now, look!"
She fired her water pistol at the small figurine on the floor.
Everybody watched in awe as the small figure slowly grew and grew and grew and then didn't grow.
Before them stood a perfect copy of Buffy, complete with matching shoes and accessories. It looked around, alert. The first thing it saw was Anya, who had forgotten Xander's zipper-woes and stood looking in awe at the Buffy-clone. The Buffy-clone whistled, then smiled, then pounced towards Anya.
Anya, frightened, ran out of the shop and down the street, with the Buffy-clone following closely behind.
Willow and Tara looked around the room, smiling proudly.
"Well, what do you think?" said Tara.
"Nice eh?" said Willow.
"What have you done?" said Buffy, alarmed. But still very alert.
"My god!" said Xander, finally freeing his member from its zippy shackles. "Why is it chasing Anya!? Does it think she's still a demon?"
Willow smiled. "Oh no!" said Willow. "It just wants to play with her."
"Lucky, lucky Anya" said Tara, wistfully.
"Play?" said Buffy, panic in her voice. "You mean.. oh god."
Willow smiled proudly, very pleased at their efforts.
"How do we stop her?" said Buffy.
"I don't know." said Willow, innocently. "Ask Giles. He usually knows."
Giles face was blank. Except for his nose, and eyes, and other facial features. Actually, it wasn't very blank at all really.
"You can't be serious." he said. "You've created a.. this, um.. monster.. and you can't stop it?"
Tara grinned. "Well, actually, we didn't create a monster." she said. She said it in such a way that the 'a' in the sentence was exaggerated, making the following reply by Buffy make more sense.
"You mean you created more than one?" Buffy said.
"Yes. We created.. ooo.." said Willow, thinking hard. "Maybe three, or four."
"Yes, four.. definitely four." said Tara.
"Four!" yelled Buffy.
"Dozen." said Willow. "Four dozen."
"You created four dozen!" said Buffy, horrified. "Oh my god. There are ..um.. four times twelve is .. um.. ten times four plus two times four.. carry the seven.. divide by nine.. add eight.. um.. you created four dozen!!"
"Yup!" said Willow proudly.
"And they are all, um, running around Sunnydale right now?" asked Giles. "Um?"
"Oh no, no!" said Tara. "We aren't silly. They are all freeze-dried. And hidden around."
"You know, in places that the demons tend to visit." said Willow.
"Hence the water pistols." said Tara. "You take them on patrol, and when the going gets a bit tough, you squirt all around. You're bound to hit one, and it will get re-wetted, and you'll have another Slayer to help you!"
"Isn't it just the best idea?" said Willow.
"Um, great." groaned Buffy.
Giles took off his glasses and rubbed them. He frowned. A genie never came out, no matter how hard he rubbed.
"And what happens when it rains?" he said.
"Rains?" said Willow. "It don't rain in California in the summer time."
"And in winter?" said Buffy. "What then?"
The witches thought for a few minutes.
"Ooo!" squealed Tara, in delight. "Dozens of dreamy wet Muffy's!"
Willow nearly choked on her margarita. "Oh, momma." she said. "Let's make it rain, Tara!"
"No!" screamed Buffy, alertly.
The two witches grinned. "Too late!" said Tara.
A bright flash of lightening flashed flashily in the room, followed by the booming boom of thunder. Rain started to fall heavily.
"Oh my god." said Buffy. She stood up, which was hard because she was already standing. She went over to a cabinet and started to select weapons and put them into a large bag.
"Everybody. Let's get out there." she said, her voice tired but maintaining an alert tone. "We've got some.. some Slayers to hunt."
Xander and Giles went to grab some weapons for themselves.
Willow and Tara had become bored and started to play cards at the table.
Willow looked at her cards and giggled. "Gin!" she said, happily, putting the cards on the table.
"Oh, yes please." said Tara, holding out her glass. Willow filled Tara's glass.
Buffy, Xander and Giles went over to them.
"We need to know how to tell the fake Buffy's from me, in case we get split up." said Buffy.
Willow looked puzzled. "Well, there's only one real difference." said Willow.
Tara smiled. "Yes, that's right." she said. "We put some pretty jewelry on all of the clones."
Buffy sighed in relief. "Okay, that's good." she said. "So they are wearing a necklace, or earrings."
Willow grinned. "Hmm, no." she said. "Although it's like an earring."
Tara nodded. "Oh yes." she said. "But a little lower."
Buffy frowned. "You pierced their bellybuttons?" she said, shocked.
"Lower, dear." said Tara.
Buffy went white.
"Yes, it took us ages to do them all." said Willow, smiling happily.
"But we are really good at it now." said Tara. "If you ever needed ..."
"No, no!" said Buffy. "Oh dear. So how are we supposed to tell them apart."
Willow looked surprised. "Well, silly, you just stick you hand down there, and have a little feel around." she said.
Buffy looked rather angry and a little upset. Xander and Giles seemed rather interested, however.
Tara's face brightened. "You know, Willow." said Tara. "We really should help Muffy out this time."
Willow grinned. "I think you're on to something, Tara my love." she said. "This is something we
should be able to do very well."
"Yes. I think we're rather qualified for such a task." said Tara. "Muffy. We'll help you!"
Buffy seemed relieved. "Thanks, girls." she said.
"That is.." Willow said, suddenly very suspicious. "If you really are Muffy."
Buffy frowned. "Well, of course I am.. " she said. "What do you mean."
Willow looked at her, smiling, and rolled up her sleeve.
She suddenly looked alarmed and alert. "Oh, you must be joking." she said, dread in her voice.
"Grab her!" said Tara.
Buffy turned and ran quickly out of the Magic Shop.
"Oh, it's going to be a lovely day!" said Willow.
"Divine!" said Tara.
Giggling, they both ran after Buffy.
..fin..