Voice
by juri-sempai
-Spoilers for up to and including the episode Wrecked.
-I don't own any of these characters. A variety of people do. Don't sue me as I have no money.
-Rated: G - PG cuz there ain't a whole lot going on except for a myriad of thoughts.
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I don't know what happened. Or maybe I do. I can't seem to tell anymore. It's been one thing after another inside my head. Everything is so jumbled. It's like my life's flashing before my eyes. All the time. Even when I sleep. And all I see is Tara.
Funny.
It makes sense. She is my life. She's everything I want in my life.
I've always said it was about the magic. Even other people have agreed. So why should I give up the one thing that has made me important?
I've got this little voice inside my head. I don't know who it is. The voice is very familiar. I think it's a mix of everyone important to me. Buffy, Xander, Dawn, and Tara. I think I've heard Anya and Spike pop up once in awhile. And while it was all very amusing in its infancy, it has become an annoyance now. They go on and on about my magic usage.
Like it's a bad thing.
The magic can't be bad though. Or wrong. After all, it brought Tara and I together. If it wasn't for the magic, I would never have thought to join the Wicca group. Not that it turned out to be anything worthwhile. All they did was talk big. But it was also the place where I first met Tara.
And... and... if there had been no magic, Tara and I wouldn't have been able to escape from the Gentlemen.
I wouldn't have been able to get Tara's mind back from Glory.
Come to think of it, wasn't it magic that Tara and I argued about before I stalked out of the room? No, wait, that turned out to be a boystown talk. Unless she really was starting to great freaked about my use of magic.
Oh please don't tell me this has been brewing since way back then.
Look, I brought Buffy back from... sigh... from heaven. I guess that's not a good example then.
Magic. Magic. Magic.
I can still remember what her fingers felt like. That first time. In the laundry room. Scared out of my wits. But her touch was very calming. I knew things would be okay. I think it was that surge of magic that passed through us that made me feel that way. We were powerful together. Our magic combined.
No.
If I really think about it, I know it was more than that. It was the electricity in her touch. The feel of her eyes on mine. That briefest of seconds when two souls came together. That's what made us powerful.
And I think we might have used magic as an excuse. We were two girls feeling things we were unaccustomed to. Well, I wasn't used to it anyway. But I couldn't stop thinking about her. Late at night, I didn't lay in bed thinking about the spells we did. (Except for that one spell, but, that one went way beyond just simple spell casting.) I thought about her smile. Her stutter was absolutely adorable. And the way she hid behind her hair. It was very endearing.
I'm so torn! Tara never knew the old hacker Willow. She didn't know me in high school. When I was laughed at and made fun of. Just pushed to the side. Like I was non-existent until someone needed help with homework.
The magic made me into someone different. Someone who mattered.
I'm lying to myself again, the voice tells me. I became someone different when I met Buffy. Magic had nothing to do with that. And really, if I had never met her, I would have probably decided to go to school at Stanford or Yale. I would have lost my opportunity to even meet Tara at UC Sunnydale. Hmm... but I definitely changed when I met Buffy. She made me realize there was more to life than just school. More to it than living through the days waiting to hear what other people thought of you. Be your own person. You control who you are.
I think I was like that for Tara. I was her Buffy. She opened up. Blossomed into an extraordinary woman before my very eyes.
Magic didn't do that.
Love did.
I hurt Dawn. With my stupidity. Smart Willow whom all the colleges wanted and I ended up doing something so incredibly stupid. I don't ever want to put my friends in danger again. I was out of control. I hated feeling that way. And that warlock was creepy.
I hurt Buffy. She trusted me to care for her little sister. And I majorly screwed that up.
I hurt Tara, especially. Harsh words I spat out at the Bronze. A forget spell that violated her mind. Lie after lie. No more magic for me, I said. And the next instant I'm working the mojo. God, how she must hate me.
Hey! the voice screams. That's right! My tabula rasa spell went wonky. Tara didn't know me. I didn't know her. And yet, we were pulled to each other. No magic. Just plain old Willow. And Tara. Practically making out in the dirt of the tunnel. She didn't know I had magical powers. It was just our two souls finding each other. Holding onto one another. Just like that first time in the laundry room.
Without memories, there was no magical connection between us. Only attraction. Love. Lust.
Okay, calm down Rosenberg. My mind is scattering in a few hundred different directions at once.
I have to fix this. I don't know if I can. Yes I can. I just don't think they'll accept my apologies. Not that I blame them. I have to prove to everyone that I'm a good person. I can be deserving of their trust... in time.
I'll go back to what I'm good at. Being a student. Tara's student. I've never really had a teacher in the magical arts. Ms. Calendar died before I could ask. Giles tried. But he was already busy with Watcher duties. Training with Buffy. Looking after the Magic Box. Besides, he's in England now.
Do you think she'd be willing to teach me? About exercising control over my magicks? What being a real wicca means? About her mother?
Magic is a part of me. I can't deny it. It's a skill I've learned. It would be very easy and convenient if the power just left my entire being. Or if I unlearned the art. But that's not going to happen. I just need to learn how to respect this gift. I think Tara would be the perfect person to help me with that. She's very smart.
Right. No magic for me. Only under the kind supervision of my lady love shall I use it. Well, if she says yes. I have to give her time, as well. To trust me. To love me again. It will be a long road to travel. But, for Tara, I'd walk it... in really uncomfortable shoes, no less.
I want to be helpful to the group. The voice says I can do that with my brain and my computer. I believe the voice this time. I'm tired of being out of control with the spells. Tired of hurting the people I love. Hurting myself.
Magic isn't worth it.
I want to be known as the friend. As the lover. Not as the bitchin' wicca who can make her eyes go black as she knocks down everything dear to her.
Magic made me blind.
I know it's not the magic in me that Tara loves. Because I don't love her for her magic either. I love Tara for who she is. Sweet, shy, innocent, and beautiful. I love her for how she makes me feel. Safe and comforted. When I'm with her, all the pain in the world seems to melt away. I love her with all my heart.
I love my friends too.
And there isn't any magic on this Earth stronger than love.
The voice. It's been there all along. Hard to recognize at first. But I hear her loud and clear now. It's Willow. Old Reliable Willow. And she wants to take me home to those that I love.
The End