Finding Heaven 1/?



By Marilda



Mjovi1@yahoo.com



Feedback: Yes please. Good, bad or indifferent. I want to know.



Distribution: Sure, just ask.



Spoilers: Up to the season 6 finale.



Rating: PG for now.



Pairing: W/T



Disclaimer: There is angst ahead.



• Summary: Tara makes a chose about where she wants to be. (Yep, I suck at summaries.)



• Note: Okay, I know I should be working on my “The Center Cannot Hold,” story but this just called out to me. I have it all mapped out and I know where everything is going to go. I had to post. Hope you guys enjoy. There is angst but believe me, I love the girls and they are so getting together in the end.



Feedback is your friend!







The world spins and her stomach revolts, like a too-dizzying ride at the carnival. She goes up, not knowing why, not knowing how. In the back of her mind there is a distant memory. Something happened, someone got hurt. Her breath is caught in her throat then resumes shallowly.



Willow is dead.



Wait. No. Not dead. And not Willow.



She. She is dead.



And she remembers.



Something painful, tearing at her, tearing her insides apart. She sees the red, sees the splatter. Willow’s shirt. She sees the shock in her love’s eyes then the blackness engulfs her.



And now, there is spinning. There is also light and an overwhelming feeling of belonging. The spinning stops and she stumbles, catching herself before she falls on her knees. She looks at her surrounding. It is indescribable, beauty personified, perfection incarnate. She turns, tries to take it all in. Her eyes roaming everywhere at once. Suddenly-darkness. In a place filled with light, this is the shadow. Yet it isn’t threatening, isn’t foreboding, she can discern no evil coming from it. She is able to make out a body emerging from the darkness, a man, his features not seen. Without explanation, she knows. This is her guide.



She opens her mouth to speak but is silenced by a careless waving of the hand.



He talks but no words are heard.



“Welcome” he says, seemingly speaking directly to her mind.



Does she answer? Does she think and he automatically knows?



He knows.



“Yes it is.”



“And will I stay here forever?” Her mind replies.



“We’ve been expecting you,” he says. “We are pleased to have you here. You have a beautiful soul.”



She lowers her head. Her eyes now obscured by loose strands of hair.



“Never?” She asks, knowing he understands the question.



He shakes his head no.



She nods her head in understanding, appearing to take it well. Then, fully grasping the meaning, realization dawning, she falls to the ground and begins clawing. She wants in. She wants back. Her nails are imbedded with dirt, her jeans, stained. She is a wild woman, eyes desperate, tears streaming down her face.



She knows.



This is heaven. She is dead- and this is heaven.



“Tara,” the guide says.



But she ignores him. She has one goal.



“You’ll be happy here, this is where you belong.”



She looks up, sees the beauty all around her, she can’t deny that, she knows it’s probably true. Knows that she could achieve peace.



“It is no longer your concern,” he says kindly.



She looks up, astonished; she shakes her head at him and goes back to her mission. Knowing that it’s illogical, knowing that it’s probably impossible. She doesn’t care. She needs to get back.



“She is always my concern.”

Edited by: Marilda at: 12/9/02 11:18:37 pm

What happends next?

I don't post often, but I have to say that I like the start you've made here. I like that you've decided to write using Tara's post-death perspective. It's definitely a different take from what I've read in other fics.



You have a few great things going for you here. First, you've addressed her death--a painful undertaking--that can be easily mishandled. You've also managed to establish the basic tenet of this board--Willow and Tara belong together. And finally, you've set up both an internal and external struggle, so that the story itself is meaty, action-packed, and emotional. That last line really cinched it for me. Yes, Willow will always be Tara's concern, alive, dead, or otherwise. Lovely start.



--Sela

Oh man! I was just getting into it! well poo! nah, I love it, can't wait for an update!!!

I agree...this is a very compelling beginning, and I like what the previous post said about both the internal and the external struggle. There's a way that season 6 really polarized the two girls: Willow as Bad and Tara as Good. I get the feeling that, starting the way you have here, you might complicate that a little bit. Just a sense I have. I'm looking forward to seeing more of this. (But I am also eager to see more of the Center Cannot Hold, too...I am liking that one.)

Part 2



She keeps digging, her clothes now covered in dirt, her hair infused with it. She doesn’t care. She is inconsolable, the tears streaming down her face, the dirt mixing in with them, turning them into a muddy river of despair. She doesn’t feel she is making progress, the more she digs, the more the earth replenishes itself. An ever-filling hole. Yet she continues.



She hears the voice in her head, urging her to stop, urging her to see reason. She ignores it.



The voice becomes more insistent, she become conveniently deaf.



She is flying in the air, pulled forcefully, she lands wrong. She hears the wrist crack, feels the pain radiate in her body. She cries out, then thinks fleetingly about the dynamics of feeling pain and having a body in heaven, she ignores the thought. She gets up, cradles the dangling limb for a minute, then drags herself back to the hole. She continues digging with her one useful hand.



Again the voice speaks, again she ignores it.



She is pushed back once more, landing on her worthless limb, invoking a deep-seated cry of anguish.



It tries to speak, tries to make her see reason, but she is impervious. What he is saying might make sense, if she bothered to hear it, but she is stubborn, she is adamant, Willow needs her and she won’t fail again. She left once, by choiee, and it nearly killed her, she left again, and ironically, it killed her indeed.



She drags her bruised body on the ground, pulling with her one useful hand, intent on trying until she succeeds.



Having enough, her guide’s voice resonates in her head.



“STOP!”



She too is capable of yelling.



Inside her head, her voice screams, inside his, the scream echoes.



“She is out there and she is alone!”



The guide sighs. Seemingly understanding.



No longer insisting, no longer trying to make her see reason, he pulls her up from her sprawled position on the ground.



“And if you get to see her again?”



She calms, tunes in and listens.



“Now?" Can I see her now?”



He takes her hand, cradling the useless limb and with a few murmured words, repairs the damage he has done.



He nods his head.



Relief filters through every bone in her body.



“I get to go back?”



He hesitates, choosing his words carefully. “No,” he answers honestly.



She tenses, prepares to pull her hand from his grasp, prepares to keep digging.



“You get to say goodbye.”

Edited by: Marilda at: 6/22/02 12:38:27 pm

Oh maaaaan!!!!!!!!

Replies to Feedback (Which I LOVE )



The Next Tara MacLay: Well hopefully you keep reading and find out.



Sela: I'm glad you like it. As to chosing the Tara perspective, well, I was actually working on my other story and I couldn't seem to get into Willow's head the way I wanted to and I realized that that's because I identified much more with Tara's character, not that I'm dead or anything, I just could picture how hard this must be for her, you know? And wow, I did all that? Go me! No, but yes. I've actually mapped out exactly where this story is going so I'm not just flapping in the wind and I must say, I'm excited to be able to get that all down on paper.



singgirl-Hmm, I'm sorry there was poo. Wait, that came out wrong, I'm sorry that it was too short for you. I had forgotten to attach those two parts together . But I'm glad that you're enjoying it.



Hee- just read your other post. You seem a person of few words. Hope that "oh man," was a good thing and not a, I need to finish reading this before I pee in my pants thing.



Tulip- I'm glad you found the beginning compelling. And I agree, these characters are neither good nor evil, just people, and as such they make mistakes and have passions. Including such things as possesion and jealousy. Yes, I know, I'll try to work on my other story too. I'm honored that someone has found my work interesting enough to want to read more of it.



The next part should be up sometime tonight. In it, we get to see how Willow is doing. Should be interesting, I hope.

Part 3



She opens her mouth to argue but is again silenced by the waving of a hand.



“It is more than you had a minute ago, it is more than other people receive,” he says, anticipating her protests.



“It is not enough!”



“Would you rather not have it at all?”



“I would rather not be here,” her voice resonates in his head, desperation evident.



He stops, silenced by her words. His love for this place, for the beauty and sense of belonging, is long engrained. He is shocked that someone should not feel the same. Shocked that, she, a beautiful soul, should not be honored to be here.



“I don’t understand,” he says hesitantly. “This is where everyone wants to be. Tara, you are privileged, you have been found worthy, we are ecstatic that you are here.”



“I don’t care!” She cries out, tears evident in her voice. Then more softly, “I just don’t care.”



He lets go of her hand.



She calms, speaks softly. “It isn’t that it’s not wondrous, it isn’t that I don’t feel as is I belong. When I first got here the sense of calm, of happiness was overwhelming,” she stops, her voice faltering. “But, I belong with her more. I need her more. More that this,” she says, gesturing towards her surroundings.



“I…we understand what it is to love,” he says kindly. “We understand the difficulties of letting that love go.”



“I’m not letting her…”



“You have to,” he interrupts. “It is the only way.”



He puts his hand in front of him, palm up. Light shoots out of it, then an image of the world emerges. It zooms in quickly, localizing on her home.



Suddenly they are there. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and she stands outside her lover’s house. He puts his hand on her shoulder, turns her attention towards him.



“You have only a short time,” he says. “Use it well.”



With that he disappears.



Tara stares at the spot where he used to be and then runs up the stairs. When she reaches the knob, her heartbeat accelerates, her breathe quickens. She pushes the door open and calls out for her love.



She doesn’t receive and answer, she bounds up the stairs, quickly making way into her room. No one. She stops, sees the blood on the floor. Her blood. Her death. Shaking her head to clear the thought she quickly turns and opens Buffy’s door.



Her heart stops.



There she is.



In Buffy’s arms.



A stab of jealousy hits her. Making her growl deep within her throat, making her rush forward to reclaim her love. But then she sees that Willow is crying and Buffy is comforting.



Her pain is overwhelming. Coming off of her in waves, it hits Tara full force.



“I just don’t understand,” she says, her voice hoarse from the sobbing session she had just finished moments before, now the sobbing was reduced to quiet weeping and sniffling. “Please Buffy, please, just help me to understand.”



Buffy strokes her best friend’s hair. Her own heart breaking at the pain she is going through. She pulls her closer, engulfing her more fully in a hug. She has no words, no explanations.



“Shh, honey, it will be okay,” she says softly, letting her get it all out. They had just buried Tara this morning. Willow wasn’t taking it well.



“This can’t be real, it just can’t be.” Willow says into Buffy’s shoulder. She calms, tries to get the words that she wants to say out. “Is it some sort of punishment,” she asks. “For my magick, for my abuse?”



“What Will?” Buffy says shocked, pulling back so she can look at her friend in the eye. “NO!”



Willow nods, not believing, but for the moment accepting her friends answer. She sighs, collects herself. She leans in and puts her head on Buffy’s lap, finding comfort in the love offered there.



“I’m not sorry,” she says softly, almost imperceptibly.



“About what?”



“I mean I am, I’m so sorry about what I did to you and the gang, I’m so sorry about that,” she says hurriedly.



“I know, I know you’re sorry, we all do. It’s okay.”



“But,” she continues. “I’m not sorry about him.”



“Warren?” Buffy asks, although she knows the answer.



Willow nods. “I’m glad he’s dead. I’m glad I…I, killed him.”



At the doorway, Tara gasps. Willow killed Warren? She tries to rush forward to speak, to find out what happened, but finds she can’t move, her feet feel cemented to the ground. When she tries to speak, no words come out.



Buffy pauses stroking her friend’s hair, taking in the revelation. She thinks for a minute, then continues. She too, speaks softly, letting go of the secret held in her heart. One that she wasn’t able to voice, for fear of not doing her duty, for fear of being unjust. But what was justice in the name of friendship? What was right when in the face of evil?



“I’m glad you did too,” she says, instantly feeling better for voicing her thoughts. Sometimes vengeance was justice in itself. “He deserved it for what he did to her.”



Tara try’s to think with the entire question jumbling inside her head.



Willow killed Warren?



Because Warren killed her?



She feels a stab in her heart, a twinge for the darkness that must be inside of Willow, the pain that she would have to live with for her actions. All for her. All because Willow loves her.



Again she try’s to speak, again she try’s to be noticed, again her vocal chords refuse to respond.



“Buffy?” Willow asks.



“Hmm?”



“Is she happy?”



“What?” Buffy asks, fearing the question. Fearing at how she would have to respond.



“Is she happy in heaven?”

great update!

but also very sad

can't wait for the next update



*Hannah*

********************************************
I just needed someone to talk to, you were just too busy with yourself, you were never there for me to express how i felt ,i just stuffed it down- *STAIND -FADE*

need more!!!

(p.s. i really enjoyed the update, totally love this story)



-Will

"Hear that baby? You're my always."

"well, you know, when you play a lesbian witch you've gotta get killed in this fun kind of exciting way, so the heart was the way to go..."

"we have the most amazing fans though they LOVE us."

I Love this fic, The update was amazing, however it was also extremely depressing. But, I'm sure things will get a little happier. I can't wait for the next part to be posted, I'm now an addict to this fic. You Rule.

Much Love,

Lisa

This is our Last Embrace, Must I dream and Always see your face.~ Jeff Buckley "Last goodbye"

I read all three parts at once, and I'm really enjoying this. Please do continue! I'm looking forward to how you resolve this.

--------------------------------


"But when they're playing your song on the jukebox in Hell, you might as well dance." - K. Simpson


"Futile... like a FOX, baby!" - Tara in The Late Shift by wiccachica

MORE!!! This is excellent writing, and i want more!!

Hey all



fidds- Thanks for that. Yep, I know, kind of sad but just remember, they will get together somehow.



willntlover-Glad you're enjoying the story, hopefully you'll like where it ends up.



AmberBensonRockzMyWorld- Wow, you love the fic? Cool. And addicts are always good, hey does that make me your supplier?



LeatherQueen- Hmm, really like your name. Is there a special reasoning for it? Maybe something, I don't know..naughty



singgirl- Okay, more will be coming soon!! I'm glad you're enjoying.



Thanks all for the lovely feedback. I so enjoy it. Cause I'm a feedback whore



Next update should be up sometime tonight. This time- a deal is made.

Poor Tara watching her grieving soulmate, unable to do anything to help her . . . or can she?

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

Part 4





Tara opens her mouth to scream in frustration, finding that still no words escape.



Is she happy? That’s Willow’s question?



She can feel hysterical, almost maniacal laughter building up inside of her, the sounds streaming silently though her agape mouth, given her the illusion of a psychotic mime. Before she can delve too deeply in the mania, she hears Buffy’s response.



“I think so Will,” she says quietly, almost wistfully. “I think she is. Heaven is, um, I want to say beautiful but I don’t think that is a strong enough word. It’s how beauty should be you know? Pure, clean, not tainted I guess. It’s beauty in its perfect form.”



“She would like that,” Willow interrupts sadly.



Buffy nods.



Willow can feel the tears starting up in the back of her throat, the grief waiting once more to take possession and devour her. She grabs a hold of Buffy, seeking the comfort that she so desperately needs.



“I, I’m glad,” she says, the words choking in her mouth “I’m glad she’s, um, happy without me.”



With that the tears once again take over, the grief once again moves up, grabbing its victim by the heart and shattering it into dust.



At the doorway, Tara’s laughter is overwhelming, her body doubling over with it, tears of despair flowing steadily down her cheeks. She roars at the heavens, intent on making them hear her, intent on making her case known.



How is this fair? Her mind screams. How is this just?



You let me see her but you don’t let me close enough to comfort her. You let me hear her you don’t let me refute what she’s saying. She thinks I’m happy, I know I’m miserable. This is your way of letting me say goodbye? This is your way of getting me to let go?



She shakes her head decisively and vows to get her love back despite the will of the gods. Determined to let Willow know she’s not leaving her, she uses every once of her will to get her voice heard. Inside her head she is screaming out her love’s name, inside the room, the scream is almost imperceptible, barely above a whisper. Yet it is enough.



Willow stiffens in her friend’s arms, the hair on the back of her neck standing up. She heard her. Tara was calling, she is sure of it. She rises from her lying position and sits, facing away from the door. She pauses, afraid to turn around, afraid that what she sees there will be an illusion, a figment of an ever-hopeful imagination.



Tara too, waits anxiously. Willow heard. Hope is not lost. She sees her turn, sees that she will see her; she longs to look into those emerald eyes again.



Just as Willow turns, Tara feels the blackness one more.

Agggggggggh!!!!!!!!



More please?



-Will

"Hear that baby? You're my always."

"well, you know, when you play a lesbian witch you've gotta get killed in this fun kind of exciting way, so the heart was the way to go..."

"we have the most amazing fans though they LOVE us."

Okay, decisive Tara, that's good. I mean she did face down a Hell God. She can do this. She can get back to her girl.

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

Oh wow. I've had a pretty long break from reading W/T, but I'm glad this story was my first in a while. I love it! More, please......



Kaite

Bad man.



Good story.



More?



That was very cool. I like how this fic deals with Tara's feelings, and it's good that Buffy is understanding and helping Willow. But it should be Tara!



Never mind. If Tara was there Will wouldn't need comforting.



Gem

Tara: There's just so much to work through... and can you just be kissing me now?

Part 5



Willow sits facing away from the door. She breathes deeply, filling her lungs with much-needed bravery. Determined, she turns, looks towards the door and sees…nothing. She sighs, defeated.



Buffy tenses, prepares herself to ask what is wrong, prepares herself to face whatever new torment has possessed her friends mind and help her overcome it, or at least learn to live with it. She reaches out, strokes her friend hair.



“Will?”



Willow shakes her head. “I thought, um,” she gestures towards the door. “Tar…um, no. It’s nothing Buff.”



Buffy hands still momentarily in Willow’s hair. “Are you sure?”



Willow once again feels the despair and solitude taking over. She was sure she heard her lover’s voice, sure she heard her calling but there was nothing. For a moment there was hope, a small flame illuminating her shattered heart, now that flame was extinguished. To think that her love had called. Laughable, ridiculous even. Tara is happy where she is. Isn’t that what Buffy had said? There is no way she would feel the need to call on her, to pay a visit to now forgotten lover.



She leans in to Buffy once more, lays her head down in here lap. “I’m sure.”



She feels the exhaustion, the need for sleep long since ignored. She closes her eyes and gives into it, hoping that in dreams she can escape reality.





Part 6



Tara opens her eyes and sees that she is back. She turns and sees her guide. She opens her mouth intent on telling him what she thinks of him and the situation they have put her in. Before she can get a word out she sees his hand reach for her, touching her forehead. She feels dizzy, light, airless.



It comes out of her in waves, the darkness, the things long-suffered. The pains inflicted on her since childhood. She sobs. Every word spoken to her in anger, every put-down that shattered away at her delicate confidence. Every cut, every bruise, every humiliation pours out. The sadness, the horror, the mitigating fear that accompanied her since the first time her mother wasn’t able to stop her father’s anger towards her. The grief that had been a constant companion after her mother’s death is gone. It’s all gone. The awkwardness that was her speech. The shyness that was her character. The sweaty palms, the erratic heartbeat, the dry mouth that was her existence is gone. In its place is love, confidence and peace.



Utter peace.



Filling her in waves. This is what happiness is, this is what pure joy feels like. She feels complete. Sure. At home. There are no more insecurities, no more questions. She is where she belongs.



She turns and looks at her guide once more. No longer recalling what she meant to tell him, no longer remembering why she was so upset.



She smiles, radiant, luminous, complete. She looks at her surroundings, realizing that she hasn’t taken the time to explore. She tugs on his hand and begins walking.



“Show me around?”

Oh yikes, he did the men in black type memory erasurey thing.



No, hang on I'm not scared. Tara'll find a way back to her Willow, her soulmate . . . won't she?

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!



OMG that was so evil to leave it right there! Can i get ahold of this guide, i want to kick his arse.



-Will

"Hear that baby? You're my always."

"well, you know, when you play a lesbian witch you've gotta get killed in this fun kind of exciting way, so the heart was the way to go..."

"we have the most amazing fans though they LOVE us."

wow....she isn't staying....is she?? she can't! that would be wrong....please say she finds willow....please....

this is great....such a great perspective on tara/heaven. can't wait for more.....

*please use both hands....*

Tara in heaven is a good perspective. And that last part, it is heartbreaking, tara and all her pain going away, but so does all of her longing.. doesn't seem like a fair trade off. I look forward to more!

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Willow: (to Tara) I could heal.

Tara: (to Willow)And we’re gone.

Hey all. Sorry it took so long for this part to come out. Thanks for all the feedback. I'll try to get to it individually soon. It is extremely appreicated as I'm a feedback whore.



On to the next part.



Part 7



This part is PG 13 at least.



Three months pass and the world continues to spin. Her loved died and still the sun shines. Her heart shattered to a million pieces and people still smile, still dance, still make love. The whole world didn’t end just because hers had.



Willow kneels, the sun shining brightly overhead, a cool breeze fluttering at the sleeves of her shirt. She takes in the trees, the sounds of the birds, and the relative quiet of her surroundings. She takes in the smells of the flowers and the grass, well-kept, vibrant, green. Sees the grey headstones protruding out of it. Turns and focuses on the one in front of her, the one that tells her that it’s true, that it isn’t a nightmare and that Tara is indeed dead.



She sighs. Tells herself to try to get through it without crying this time. She has these conversations weekly, comes to the graveyard, brings flowers, tells her love about the life that she is trying to lead, the existence that she is trying to forge. She hasn’t managed to get through one without breaking down, the tears streaming down her face. She will this time, she promises herself. She won’t let Tara know she is holding on by a thread.



“Dawn is getting better with her technique,” she says softly. “She’s finally managed to handle a crossbow. Buffy was so proud.”



She moves, sits with her back resting on the gravestone, plucks a blade of grass and continues.



“She came into the house smiling like a crazy woman,” she continues. “She came right up to me and started talking a mile a minute, telling me that she had finally done it, that Dawn had killed a vamp using the crossbow, that she just stood there, calm as can be, told the vamp her own little quip and poof, vamp be gone. Of course she said that the quip isn’t nearly as good as the one’s she says but still, points for effort. Then Dawn came in, head held high, trying to be dignified, not smiling. Trying to make it seem as if it was just another day at the office, you know? Until she sees me that is, she ran up to me and hugged me, moved me up off the couch, started jumping up and down. ‘I did it Will, I did it!’ she said. You should have seen her, baby, you would have been so proud.



“Still no word on Spike. Can’t say that I mind. Still, I don’t know how Buffy is taking it. She said she’s fine, that she’s glad he’s gone but still, sometimes she gets this look in her eyes, like she misses him, you know? I just want her to be happy, but hopefully not with him. I think she can do so much better. Oh and Xander and Anya are dating again, well sorta. He went to the movies and bumped into her. He says it was awkward but that they decided to just see one together. He hasn’t stopped talking about it, said that during the middle of it, she reached over and grabbed his hand. Said she didn’t let go until the houselights came up.



“So you see? Everyone is fine. And I,” she stops, sighs. “I hate it. I don’t get how their life can continue. I don’t get how they can still smile. Baby, I don’t get why they get to be happy. Buffy was laughing the other day, a deep resonating laugh. The kind where you hold your stomach and tears start coming down your eyes. Dawn had said something and it just set her off. I heard them, went into the kitchen. I stood there staring at her, seeing my best friend be happy and I broke down into tears.”





Tara ran. She felt…terrified. Terrified that she would get caught, terrified that they would stop her, hold her, keep her there. She ran hoping that she was smart enough, hoping that she was a good enough actress. She ran, hoping that no one was following.



They shouldn’t be, she thought. They had no idea that she remembered, no idea that she was anything but content. No idea that the memories had returned.



***********

The had come slowly, terrifying her at first. She had been under a tree, in a field, her eyes closed, her ears attuned to the music that seemed to be prevalent in this place, constant and serene. In her mind’s eye, there were ponies, running free, stunning in their beauty, breathtaking in their power, and she was running with them, somehow able to keep up without tiring. The hand struck her suddenly, snapping her head back, bruising her cheek. There was a voice, deep, male, angry. Telling her she was worthless, making her feel as if she deserved the pain.



She snapped her eyes open and focused on getting air in her lungs. She sprang up, intent on telling her guide, intent on making these horrible visions stop.



They kept coming.



A voice raised in anger, sweet sickly breath blowing on her ear, telling her to be a good girl. Hard fingers, piercing pain. She doubled over, tears streaming down her face, not wanting these images, not wanting this torment.



More visions, more anguish. A blackened eye, a broken bone. She saw a body, knew it was her mother’s, saw it wasting away, thin, grayish, rapidly disappearing. She felt the loss swiftly punching into her gut. Tearing at her insides, ripping her bare. Saw the casket being put into the ground. She turned and looked at the man that was her father, the man that was her tormentor and felt all hope fleeing. Knew that the last line of defense against his sinister punishments was gone.



She got up and forged ahead. Breaking into a run, calling out for her guide, hoping that he could explain. Then a flash of red appeared and her step faltered.



Hands clasped together, holding tight. A resonating laugh. A voice, distinct, unique. A face, green eyes, emerald, loving, hers.. A body. Soft sighs, low moans. Limbs tangled, touches exchanged in the dark. The smell of vanilla mixed in with the musky odor or arousal, of wetness. Her back arching, her lips trembling. Her body wanting.



She stopped moving completely as the images of the redhead flood her.



A hesitant touch. A shy voice. The feeling of hope returning. The fear receding. Long talks into the wee hours of the night, bodies bundled together in sleep, waking up not feeling afraid but rather content.



A feeling flooded through her. Happiness engulfed her, much like what she had been experiencing only moments before the visions appeared; only this version was more distinct, more primal, more essential. A name flashed in her mind.

She lost her balance and fell unceremoniously in the grass. Willow.



A cry escaped and she wondered how she could have forgotten, even for a second, the love that they shared. The visions came more rapidly, filling in the holes that were missing. The pain of the breakup, the sweetness of the reunion.



She used her hand to get up, managed to get in a sitting position. Her memory now in tact, she began crying, crying for the loss of the memories of her love, crying for the return of the memories of her childhood.



**********



Now she is running and she has a plan. She just hopes it worked. She sees the door and her heart beats faster. If her source is correct, all she needs to do is go through it. She would never be able to return, she would never be able to forget, but she would have her life back, she would have her love. She reaches for the handle and pauses. Taking in what she is about to give up. She feels the loss of ignorance tugging at her momentarily, but pushes it aside. She turns the knob, walks through the darkness …



And steps into light. She sees the grass, sees the sun. For a moment she thinks she’s back under the tree in the garden, that it was all a dream. Then she turns and sees her.



Her eyes are closed and her head is resting against the stone. She has a blade of grass between her fingers and a silent tear is running down her face.



“I’m sorry babe,” she says. “I wasn’t going to cry. I’m just trying to understand how it is that the world can keep on spinning if you’re not in it. Doesn’t it realize that you’re essential? Doesn’t it realize how much I need you?”



With that the tears over take the petite redhead and she begins crying in earnest. Tara springs from her frozen stance a few feet away and starts toward her love.



She kneels down beside her and reaches out her hand to stop the tears.



“Willow,” she says, “Honey, I’m right here.”

Wow! she's back!



can't wait for more....smoochies I hope

OMG!! Yay!! woohoo and yippee!! Rock on!! more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need more!!!!!!