Phew. Julia (Dumbsaint) and I wrote this in two days. So you'll excuse us if it seems a little frantic in parts. Although those will probably be my parts. My parts! Hee...I'm all giddy.
Ahem. Anyway. After some posts in the daily thread the other day, Julia and I decided to have a go at doing a full episode parody of Buffy. And where better to start than the one we already had a go at; that is, Wrecked. So if you're unspoiled for that, you might wanna come back here in a few months or something. Or not bother. Or something...
Okay then.
TITLE: Bent
AUTHORS: Dumbsaint and Tommo
COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: Joss did the original version. We only made fun of it. In a nice way. God...please nobody sue us.
SYNOPSIS: Imagine if the events of Wrecked took place on the Kitten Board...
SPOILERS:Pretty much Season 6.
RATING: NC-17. All of it. Mwahahah...oh, and the bits that aren't NC-17 are jokes in really poor taste. Heh.
***********
TEASER
Dr G. VOICEOVER: Previously on The Kitten Board…well, I posted some smilies and was outrageously flirtatious with most of the moderators and…wait wait…this isn’t about me. (pause) Why isn’t it about me? Anyway…
Xita posting to April.
April posting to Xita.
APRIL: Looks like I'm not as postless as you thought, whore.
XITA: How?
APRIL: You came back from the Kitty gathering wrong.
Len and Ruth at the Bronze.
LEN: Ruth, you are posting too much shit. What do you want me to do, just ... sit back and keep my mouth shut?
RUTH: Well, that'd be a good start.
Ruth deleting posts to keep Len satisfied but starting new threads instead.
RUTH: Delete.
Len and Ruth arguing.
LEN: I know you started that new daily thread. What is wrong with you?
LEN: I don't think this is gonna work.
Ruth crying, Len deleting her threads.
RUTH: Are you saying you're gonna ban me?
Ruth sending an IM message to Julia for her to join chat.
XITA: Julia? How’ve you been?
JULIA: In AOHell. You?
XITA: Crashed.
JULIA: Oh.
RUTH: It's nice, having another smutfic-inclined friend around.
Ruth and Julia causing havoc in chat.
RUTH: There's gotta be someplace, like, bigger than this.
JULIA: It's way too early to leave chat yet.
Ruth smiling.
Straight guy newbie posting in the ‘sexuality’ thread.
IGNORANT STRAIGHT GUY NEWBIE #1: It's lesbian.
IGNORANT STRAIGHT GUY NEWBIE #2: Boys, congratulations, Phase One of the plan to get cheap lesbo thrills is now complete.
April and Xita in the abandoned kitty board.
APRIL: I'm in love with your fonts.
XITA: You're in love with your avatar.
Xita throwing April out of chat.
APRIL: Afraid I'm gonna post about-
XITA IM-ing APRIL
The board falling apart while April and Xita discover the joys of bad panty fic for themselves…
Episode opens on a computer, with cursor blinking on a Willow/Tara wallpaper. Pan across to reveal Shannon and Len asleep in their chairs at the computer desks in their respective rooms. They are still in the Kitten Board chatroom.
An error noise from the computer wakes Len up. He looks around in surprise. Shannon wakes as well, at the noise that comes from her computer.
SHANNON: (yawning) What time is it?
LEN: (looks at his watch) Almost seven. God, I just closed my eyes for a minute.
SHANNON: (squinting at the computer) Hm. And now there's an error message. (frowns sleepily) Plus, I think my voice server’s gone down…
LEN: (looks around) Uh-oh.
SHANNON: It's not tragic. I'm sure as soon as I click the button insanely quickly…
LEN: No, Shannon ... why didn't anybody tell us they were leaving chat? Where is everyone?
Cut to the internet. Shannon clicks on her yahoo messenger list, revealing the little grey sleepy face that indicates Xita has not logged in. Shannon and Len look confused. Shannon tries her msn messenger list, although she knows it’s shit, but Ruth sometimes logs in there.
Shannon clicks the icon near Ruth’s name. Her smiley face is set in a resolved expression.
SHANNON: Ruth didn't come to chat either. They were logged out all night.
Shannon fidgets nervously, sends a panicked IM message to Len.
SHANNON: Where are they?
LEN: (gives her a cyber hug) I'm sure they're fine, Shannon. I'm sure they just ... lost track of time. Or maybe…(frowns in the horror of it all) m-maybe they got a life or something…
Shannon looks distinctly uncertain.
Cut to the daily thread. The last seventeen posts are all by Xita and April, who got schnockered together online and started typing badness to each other into the wee hours of morning. Xita awakes with a start, raising her head from her keyboard. In horror, she begins to read over the smutfest of yesterevening, panting, frowning. April begins to stir now, too. Greatly disturbed, Xita instant messages April.
XITA: When… When did we start role playing Willow and Tara having sex in the daily thread?
April looks around the thread, grinning in a most self-satisfied fashion.
APRIL: I dunno… must have been sometime between rereading Ruth’s biker fic and, uh-
She smirks. Xita gulps, wincing in disbelief and self-disgust.
XITA: Oh- oh my Joss.
Kitty meow sound, opening credits.
Muffy the Lesbian Layer
Starring:
Xita the Moderator as Buffy
We see shots of Xita spinning round from her computer, a huge smile on her face; mugging for the webcam and showing her breasts; running over the W/T bridge with a bowie knife in her hand, ready to carve initials; turning round, hands in the air, just like Tara in the musical ep; moving under her covers late at night, one hand holding smutfic, the other already occupied…
Scott the one liner chat man as Xander
We see shots of Scott on webcam, wryly making faces at the whoring in chat; giggling to himself as he calls Ruth a whore yet again in chat; making the occasional post on the Kitten Board; his green font showing up to make jokes, then buggering off again.
Brian the Canadian as Anya
We see shots of Brian shaking his head in despair at the Kitten Board; stomping his foot in chat; writing obscenities about people and adding smilies to go with them; being bitter and cruel; laughing at the whoredom he is party to.
April the Moderator as Spike
We see shots of April flinging her panty on the board; rolling over seductively on a huge bed, crooking her finger in a ‘come hither’ motion; correcting people’s grammar and spelling wherever she can; holding up her hand and refusing to label herself with a frown.
Shannon the Noo Yawker as Dawn
We see shots of Shannon standing in front of a urinal, looking back with a smile on her face; molesting anyone and everyone in chat; tearing out her pink hair in front of the Kitten Board; being restrained by everyone and loving it.
And Ruth the British Whore as Willow
We see shots of Ruth flashing on webcam; swearing madly at everyone on voice in chat; typing insanely and posting on the Kitten Board; posing with Umber Binson for a really horrid photograph, typing smut into the small wee hours of the night over a hot keyboard.
Special Guest Star Len as Tara
Julia as Amy
ACT I
Xita is now frantically typing away at the keyboard, trying to delete all evidence of last night’s bad badness before any of the kitties stumble from their beds into the thread to say goodmorning. She is still half asleep, herself, and struggling to remember…
XITA: Password, need my password.
APRIL: What’s the hurry, ya bint?
XITA: The hurry is the kitties will be here any minute. And don’t call me ‘bint.’
APRIL: You didn’t take issue with that last night, or any of the other British, euphemistic-y Ruthisms we uttered.
Alone in her room, April starts humming the melody to “Downtown.”
XITA: Can we not? Type?
APRIL: I just don’t see why you have to get rid of it so quick. I mean, look where we left them last night? They’re still rarin’ to go in my head. I thought we could-
April sends the evilly grinning devil smiley Xita’s way.
XITA: Not gonna happen. Last night was the end of this smut show.
April types an angry, fuming red smiley.
APRIL: Don’t say that.
XITA: What did you think was gonna happen? What, we’re gonna put on a show for everybody? Have Willow and Tara climbing the walls and each other for all the kitties to see?
APRIL: That’s not exactly what I had in- no. Wait. Yeah, that IS pretty much what I had in mind. Tara slides her hand under Willow’s skirt, the hot pads of her fingers digging hungrily into the flesh of the redhead’s thigh, steadily seeking upwards
XITA: Stop!
APRIL: Make me. Tara murmurs against Willow’s throat, her full lips pressed reverently against the soft skin there, teeth nipping teasingly
Xita, swoons slightly, unable to withstand such an assault. But then, resolve face prevails.
XITA: No. No! I have to-
APRIL: Stay. C’mon, I don’t have to be at work for another hour.
Despite herself, Xita responds.
XITA: Willow slides into the blonde’s lap, pressing her taut belly down into the sweet softness that was Tara
April grins, gloating at being able to get Xita to start playing again.
APRIL: I knew it! I knew the only thing better than becoming a moderator myself would be cyberf-
XITA: What?!
Xita stops typing her next smutty post mid-sentence and quickly taps out the commands that delete the rest of the W/T rp posts from the thread.
XITA: (angrily) Is that what this was about? Cyberdoing a moderator?!
APRIL: Well, I wouldn’t throw floating pencils, ya whore. You seem to be quite the groupie yourself.
XITA: Shut up!
APRIL: I’m just sayin’! Kitties get you hot.
XITA: A kitty got me hot. One. Okay, maybe more than one. But you? You’re just…
Xita trails off, irritated.
XITA: Really, really good at role playing Take Charge Tara.
APRIL: So what now? You go back to whoring yourself in chat till the next time you get a W/T itch you can’t scratch? Well forget it. Last night changed things. I’m done being your ho.
XITA: Nothing’s changed. It was a mistake.
APRIL: Oz feathers! It was a frickin’ revelation.
XITA: What are you talking about? Oz was a wolf, he didn’t have feathers.
APRIL: Don’t change the subject! You can joke about going downtown and doing spells as much as you like, but I know where you type from now. I’ve had a go at it.
XITA: Get a grip! Like you’re god’s gift to smut aficionados everywhere.
APRIL: Hardly! That wouldn’t be nearly as interesting now, would it?
April pulls up a certain nefarious site on her screen, one that features a great wealth of panty fic. She begins to upload a file from it to Xita. Before she realizes what she’s doing, Xita hungrily presses “Download” and finds herself slavering at the prospect of feasting her eyes upon- but no! She resists, clicking to cancel the download.
XITA: No! I can’t.
APRIL: I may be a cheap panty fic whore, but you’re the one who likes to have it read to you by my dulcet tones. You never had it so good as me. Never.
XITA: Uh! You’re such a bint.
APRIL: And it made you moan, didn’t it?
XITA: I sweartagod! If you tell ANYBODY about last night, I WILL ban you!
April is skeptical of this.
APRIL: Right.
Xita starts to storm out of the thread just as April reaches down, starting to dig for something in her pocket. She flings her panty at the retreating figure of the moderator, calling after her.
APRIL: Here! You might want this.
Cut to the kitten board chatroom. Len is posting the daily thread “Do Willow and Tara like Pancakes?”.
LEN: Post in the daily thread?
Shannon goes toward the kitten board.
SHANNON: Uh, sure. (goes to the kitten board, clicks on the newly posted daily thread, but can’t resist checking her bitter posts in the previous days’ threads) Um, should we IM Scott? What if they're all in some other chatroom somewhere? (closes open window) Other chatrooms are bad. Zelda always used to talk about the other chatrooms.
Shannon opens up another window and deletes some of her ranting from the kitten board. Len checks the daily thread and the board for any sign of life.
LEN: Nobody's in another chatroom. We'll IM, but ... we'll give them some time to read the board before we BUZZ! them.
Len turns back to the daily thread.
LEN: Funny shapes, or...? (sighs)
Sound of the annoying yahoo door opening.
Both Len and Shannon click onto the kitten chatroom again.
Ruth and Julia enter, chattering, although Julia doesn’t have a mic and won’t bloody buy one. But hey, Ruth is chattering on voice. Julia is typing insanely.
RUTH: It'll really bump up your postage in a day or-
Ruth stops as she spots Len. They look at each other. They even type *stares at the other* in chat, for god’s sakes…
RUTH: (nervous) Hey.
LEN: (nervous) Hey. I just ... X-Xita didn't come into chat last night ... either, so...
RUTH: Uh, hey, uh ... this is Julia. Julia, Len, Len, Julia.
JULIA: (posts a smiley face) How you doin'?
LEN: Fine, I ... I'd b-better g-get going. It’s really late. (his finger hovers over his mouse)
RUTH: (to Len) Julia! Julia the smut whore? (to Julia) Sorry.
JULIA: No, that's fair. I write smut. And uh…I’m a whore.
LEN: (confused) When did you write smut...?
JULIA: Last night. It's nuts, everything's different. I mean ... (posts evil smiley to Ruth) the Bronze beta, for one thing. (to Len) And Ruth! She's a freaking amazing poster now. (Len looking upset) I couldn't even keep up with her last night. She was posting like, twenty threads or something. An hour!
RUTH: Julia.
JULIA: No, it's true! (to Len) I mean, I can do some html codes and smilies, but she is messing with multiple posts and everything, it was awesome! This BAPS spoiler dude, first she made his ‘Tara dies’ post disappear? Thank god. And then-
Len continues looking angrily at Ruth. His lack of fonts is noticeable.
JULIA: I'm typing too much. Sorry. It's just been ... you know ... me and a couple of really lame role playing chatrooms for the last few years, so...
LEN: No, it's, it's fine. It's just, um, I, I re-really need to go.
RUTH: Len, uh, you left some files on my hard drive, it's in-
LEN: (leaving chat) I'll get them later.
RUTH: Len!
Len passes by Xita on his way out of the chatroom. Xita types in a question mark in chat as she enters the room. Xita still bears the mental bruises of her brush with the daily thread.
SHANNON: Xita! Uh, where were you, are you okay?
XITA: I'm fine.
SHANNON: You're not, you're all whorish and bad spelly.
XITA: I, I'm not ... a whore, I just... (struggles to open a window on her computer after it’s been switched on for three days) ... I had to moderate, you know, the ... all-nighter kind of moderating. (laughs nervously) Those newbies. Heh.
SHANNON: Figured. I knew that's why you didn't IM me. So, who are the troublemakers on the board? Uh, should we be worried?
Xita looks around at Julia typing obscenities in chat and Ruth encouraging her.
XITA: No. I mean, I, I think you guys are, are whores. (to Ruth) Len was here?
RUTH: I guess he was keeping Shannon company in chat.
XITA: You guess? Where were you?
RUTH: (indicates Julia) We went surfing on the net, kinda lost track of time.
XITA: Oh.
Both Xita and Ruth look guilty.
RUTH: I never would have if I knew you weren't coming into chat.
XITA: No, o-of course, I mean, you know, it wasn't ... intentional. (Shannon listening) And, you know, everyone's chatted. (to Shannon) You did, right? You've chatted?
SHANNON: Oh, yeah. I mean, um, I haven’t unleashed my bitterness in the daily thread yet, but…
Ruth looks over the daily thread, scrolls down slowly reading Len’s post, then minimises the window sadly.
Shot of the daily thread with the ‘pancake’ post in it.
SHANNON: (OS) Len was posting...
RUTH: (staring at her Willow/Tara wallpaper) I've, uh ... I've gotta get some sleep.
XITA: Me too. (gets up from her computer desk painfully)
JULIA: Yeah. (gets up from her computer desk) I should go. My Willow whore in a chatroom is expecting me.
RUTH: Okay. I'll IM you later.
JULIA: (reaching for her mouse) Yeah, good.
Julia leaves chat. Xita PM’s Shannon.
XITA: You sure you're all right? I'm sorry about everything.
SHANNON: It's okay. You should rest. You're beat from moderating all night.
XITA: (quietly) Yeah. Right. (very quietly) Thanks.
Xita begins switching off chat.
RUTH: Yeah, I'm gonna crash too. Night Shannon.
Ruth follows Xita. Shannon remains alone in chat.
SHANNON: No problem. I'll just ... (to herself) go find some Buffy/Willow ‘shippers.
Cut to Ruth’s room. Her computer is still switched on. She grabs hold of her mouse and points it towards her favorites folder, where The Kitten Board is right on top of almost everything. Blinking away the tiredness, she clicks her mouse onto the link.
Shot of the window opening up onscreen.
Then an error sign pops up and the window closes down of its own accord.
RUTH: Clitoris.
She clicks on the link again, this time harder and more forceful. Her face screws up into an expression of annoyance. Nothing happens.
RUTH: (louder) Kitten Board! Clitoris! That’s my password! (gestures at the computer screen)
Still nothing.
Ruth frowns, gets up from her computer, walks over to her electrical outlet and wiggles the plugs in the socket. Goes back to the desk still frowning, slumps in her seat and watches as her computer wigs out completely, even without the help of freak yahoo.
Cut to chat, where Scott and Brian are bitching about the board.
SCOTT: All these newbie-started threads are starting to look alike to me. You got newbies going on about Amberbutt, newbies insisting that Willow is bisexual, and don’t even fucking get me started about the Willow/Oz shipper newbs.
Xita enters chat, slipping in quietly. Scott notices her immediately.
SCOTT: Hey Xita. That fucking Willow’s sexuality thread, man. I’m just about ready to flame the living hell out of the next person who posts in there, I don’t even give a damn what side of the so-called ‘debate’ they’re on.
Xita remains quiet, almost forgetting that she’s in chat at all as her attention has wandered to another website. Scott continues to type.
SCOTT: Brian, have you talked to Len lately?
Scott waits a moment, but there’s no response from Brian.
SCOTT: Great, at least two, probably three more new Buffy-less weeks staring me down the barrel and I’m being ignored in Kitty chat. That’s just great.
Suddenly Brian’s voice comes over the mic in chat, but it seems he has tripped the switch accidentally, as he clearly is not addressing anyone in the room.
BRIAN: “…dancing with the faeries round the wisdom tree-”
SCOTT: Brian!
BRIAN: Huh? Whaa? Shit! Is my mic on?
SCOTT: Um, yeah. What the hell was that?
BRIAN: That? Oh. Um. Nothing. Just um- this… nothing. I was just- wondering what was up with, you know, the board these days. Fucking bitterness, man.
Xita didn’t hear exactly what was said, but the use of voice chat catches her attention, and she clicks back over into the chat window, making use of her voice chat.
XITA: What’s up?
SCOTT: Brian has a theory. He thinks bad panty fic is to blame for the outbreak of bitterness on the board.
Xita blanches at this. Brian goes off the handle, years of pent up Canadian rage finally welling to the surface in a white hot torrent of burning, crushing loathing.
BRIAN: Aw, fuck off. Panty fic doesn’t cause bitterness. Stupid, lame-ass false “Tara death” spoilers cause bitterness!
SCOTT: Really?
BRIAN: Yes, you asshole. Nothing makes me want to take to the rooftop with an AK-47 and a rack of moose antlers like fucking Tara-death spoilers.
XITA: Hey. This is entertaining, really it is. You know how much I love to bask in the fiery heat of your Canadian rage, Brian. But we’ve got work to do.
BRIAN: I certainly do. I haven’t decided yet whether to flame the latest rash of newbies into submission in the intro thread or to sic Dr. G on them with his big red font of death. Or, you know, slowly torture them to death with scarily manipulated, animated gifs of Brian Adams and Celine Dion that actually sing.
SCOTT: Huh?
Brian starts to lose it again, typing angry red smiley face after angry red smiley face.
BRIAN: Hey, I’ve been Canadian for over thirty years. You can’t just expect me to turn my back on the ways of my people.
XITA: Um. Can I weigh in on the scarily manipulated, animated gifs?
Scott and Brian together: NO!
BRIAN: (to Scott) Hey, at least I still post on the board, instead of just stalking the chat hos, hoping that Julia and Ruth will start free-styling W/T smut.
At this, Xita blushingly tries to change the subject.
XITA: Guys, please! There’s something out there! Spewing bitterness and excessive posts all over the board.
SCOTT: And people posting panty fic anonymously on Pens! That’s really gotta get taken care of. Maybe we could get April on that.
XITA: No! No, April.
BRIAN: Uh. Okay… well, maybe Ruth could do something about that? You know, write another section to her biker fic? Something?
XITA: Maybe, but she’s offline, sleeping.
SCOTT: Sleeping? She sick?
XITA: She was up late. With Julia.
BRIAN: And you guys say I’m whacked because I’m Canadian. At least I don’t go around posting too much shit and hanging out with a two-bit ho smutstress…
XITA: It’s not like that. Ruth’s just trying to help Julia get used to the Kitty board. She was trapped in AOHell for a long time, and the transition hasn’t been easy for her.
SCOTT: Yeah, and now Ruth has a new playmate to be smutty with. Someone who won’t moderate her, like Len-
XITA: Ruth’s a grown up. Maybe she doesn’t need to be moderated.
SCOTT: So you think Len was wrong? To go off on her-
XITA: I didn’t say that, I just…
Xita starts to get rather worked up.
XITA: I just think we should stop talking about Ruth this way. Okay, she’s going through something. But we’re not her, you know? I mean… maybe she has reasons for acting this way. And so what if she crossed a line with the posting? We all do stuff. Binty stuff. And then we learn. We learn and we don’t do it again. I mean, who are we to be all moderatey?
SCOTT: Not moderatey, Xita. Just… miniony.
BRIAN: Yeah, all we’re saying is that… she’s been a bint lately.
Cut to Ruth’s living room in Chicago. She signs on and IMs Julia, using a smuttier font than we’re used to seeing her use.
JULIA: God, I’m so glad you signed on. I had to get out of that RP chat room.
RUTH: Already? So how are things with your Willow whores?
JULIA: Lousy. All the good ones have been MIA the past few days, and I’m left with newbies who can hardly spell much less tackle the challenging world of naughty Willowbabble. It’s really depressing.
RUTH: What did you tell them? When you left that AOL chat?
JULIA: Well, I didn’t think they’d buy the Kitty thing, so I told them I was going over to the UPN threaded Bronze to declare my undying devotion to the B/S ship. (Off Ruth’s pukey smiley face-) Kidding! What’s up? Did sarcasm die while I was letting Dru vamp out Tara on AOL so I could see what she’d be like as an evil bint?
RUTH: Sorry. I guess I didn’t expect you to be in a jokey mood.
Julia flashes an angry, red smiley Ruth’s way.
JULIA: I want to have FUN, Ruth! I’ve been on fucking AOHell!
RUTH: (sympathetically) There was that bint you had all the great cybersex with. And you seemed to be enjoying terrorizing the godawful lesbian chat rooms.
JULIA: Well, yeah, okay. I admit that that stuff was fun. But I was still creeping about in the shadows. I’ve got wasted time to make up for, and if people don’t like my smutty take on stuff, screw them. And not even in a fun way.
RUTH Well, I do. Like your smut. Totally.
JULIA: So what do you wanna do? Gonna be hard to top last night.
RUTH: Yeah, I don’t even think I can. I felt awful today. And I couldn’t write smut. I couldn’t even log into my computer properly. We should probably take it easy-
JULIA: I’ve got a better idea.
RUTH: What?
JULIA: There’s this moderator. On her board, you can post for days. And the potential of being banned is like- nothing! It doesn’t matter WHAT kind of drivel you spew, she’ll let people post ANYTHING!
RUTH: Really? She’s a web mistress?
JULIA: I guess. But I’m not kidding you. This chick’s board will blow your mind. It’ll take you to places you haven’t dared imagine. There’s even Tara/Dawn f-
RUTH: Is there panty fic?
Julia sends an evil devil smiley over the IM.
JULIA: Would that stop you?
Cut to two sites loading slowly in the two Kitties’ browsers. It seems to be taking an awfully long time. Finally something comes up. It’s a horribly mangled picture of Aly, twisted so far from its original form that she’s hardly recognizable. Julia peers closely at her screen and IMs Ruth again.
JULIA: Okay, this is it.
Ruth moves her mouse over the page but there doesn’t seem to be an enter hyperlink anywhere.
RUTH: Where? I thought you said this was the where that other posting board was…
JULIA: It is. You can’t see it?
RUTH: What do you-
JULIA: See that daisy chain Aly is holding?
RUTH: Huh? Is that what that is? It looks like a flogger.
JULIA: No, goof. She’s supposed to be dancing with faeries. Click on the second flower, the one that vaguely resembles Principal Snyder’s balding head. There.
Ruth clicks and instantly the message board site loads. It’s called Eau d’ Aly. A couple of regs there are lurking, with names like ThsGrlLvsAmber4Evr, AlysFrog, WishIWasAlysBraStrap, AlysFavrtStalker.
RUTH: Oh. Wow.
Ruth looks about the place in wonderment, taking note of the vast acreage of posting board. The posts seem to stretch on for miles, and there are all kinds of threads of the like she’s never seen before. She gulps nervously, wanting desperately to delve in, but it seems like everyone is waiting… waiting for something.
JULIA: It’s cool, isn’t it? The front page is like that so that only the most accomplished computer geeks can find the entrance.
RUTH: Yeah…
JULIA: The site gets moved around a lot, too. Keeps Tiny Dogwood out of trouble.
RUTH: Tiny Dogwood? Who’s-
She trails off as a new name appears on the board list of current users logged on. An invitation to private chat pops up on Ruth’s screen from TINY DOGWOOD. The font is large and flowery, and strangely purple.
Immediately, Ruth notices the regs leaving messages on one of the main threads.
AmberIsMyBestFriend: Tiny Dogwood, it’s my turn!
WishIWasAlysBraStrap: No way, you said I was up-
AmberIsMyBestFriend: Bull! I’ve been here for hours-
TINY DOGWOOD: Hey Dumbsaint, Tommo, I believe you two were next.
Off Ruth’s disturbed expression. Something isn’t quite right about this place, or this moderator, and she knows it.
ACT 2
TD’s avatar pops up on Ruth’s screen as the three of them enter the private chat. It’s a creepy, leering Gentlemen face. Ruth’s sends the wide-eyed, open-mouthed in alarm and surprise smiley Julia’s way in their IM. Somehow TD seems to sense the newcomer’s discomfort. She types a succession of what seem meant to be reassuring smileys, but they come off as strangely forced, a pretense of niceness, and underlying that something unutterably sordid.
JULIA: Thanks, Tiny Dogwood, for taking us. I know it’s been a while. You’ll never believe-
TINY DOGWOOD: You were an AOHell RP whore.
JULIA: How did you-
TINY DOGWOOD: Hope it taught you not to mess with nearly illiterate newbies. You should leave that in the hands of an experienced web mistress like myself.
A row of bouncing smiley faces with wings and magic wands, sprinkling faerie dust scrolls past on the screen in a display of lightning fast html coding.
TINY DOGWOOD: Tommo. I’ve read some of your fic. Hey Dumbsaint, your friend here is giving off posty vibes.
RUTH: I don’t mean to. Vibe at you. If it’s in a binty way.
TINY DOGWOOD: You have potential, girl. Coming off of you in waves.
RUTH: Me? Not so much. I mean, I can write stuff. But I get tarted up quickly. And I’ve used practically every word I know lately, posting...
TINY DOGWOOD: And what do you want me to do about it?
Ruth wipes a hand across her brow, realizing that she has begun to sweat profusely.
RUTH: I don’t know. I thought… Julia said-
TINY DOGWOOD: Julia said that I could help you. But did she say how you could help me?
The moderator starts sending flirty, kissy smilies Ruth’s way. Her fonts flash with animated hearts and red, frilly curly-qs.
RUTH: No. I have some biker fic…
TINY DOGWOOD: That’s not really my style.
RUTH: Well, maybe I could write you some pirate fic. I’m quite handy with-
An uninvited download file appears on Ruth’s screen, waiting for her permission to infiltrate her files. She gulps nervously.
TINY DOGWOOD: Relax. This isn’t going to hurt your system. But… you have to give a little to get a little, right?
Ruth hesitates to answer.
JULIA: It’s okay. It’s not a big file.
TINY DOGWOOD: That’s right. I’m just going to take a little tour.
Ruth is truly frightened, but she submits, accepting the download. The file springs up almost instantaneously on her screen. It’s panty fic. Really horrendous stuff. It’s about Willow and Tara dancing naked under the light of the full moon, anointing each other with their menstrual blood. Ruth can’t help but take it in, reading through it in a rush. Her eyes start to glaze over, her pulse quickening. Simultaneously, some of Ruth’s recently written panty fic appears on TD’s screen as she gains access to the Brit’s files. Tiny Dogwood flips on her voice chat mic and starts to grunt sporadically for a few moments. Then-
TINY DOGWOOD: Your stuff reads like… moon goddess essence.
In the thrall of the bad fic, Ruth groans, clutching wildly at her computer desk.
Cut to later. Tiny Dogwood is reading one of her panty fics to the two Kitties over voice chat. Julia is typing mind-spinningly fast, the same thing over and over again.
JULIA: pulling down her panty pulling down her panty pulling down her panty pulling down her panty pulling down her panty pulling down her panty pulling down her panty her panty her panty her panty her panty
Inbetween paragraphs, when Tiny Dogwood pauses for air, you can hear Ruth panting into her mic. There in her apartment she starts to hallucinate, Willow and Tara dancing, twirling faster and faster, moving closer to her. They reach out for her, pulling her to them, their arms a blur of motion over her skin. As she watches, drunkenly, from over their shoulders, she sees two hazy figures moving against each other nearby. She gets distracted again by Tara’s laughter, the blonde is nibbling at Willow’s neck, playing with her red hair. The nearby figures glide into Ruth’s field of vision again. It’s Principal Snyder and Giles flamenco dancing together, Giles with a rose gripped tightly in his teeth. Ruth screams in horror and falls back out of her computer chair.
Then, in a morphy effect, Ruth finds herself traveling through fan fic dimensions. She looks around breathlessly, her eyes twin coal black pools of darkness, finding herself next to Spike who is chained to a wall, his hands shackled over his head. Xander is dressed in a French maid costume, brandishing a feather duster at the vamp. Then WHOOSH, she’s in Buffy’s bedroom where Faith, Buffy, and Cordelia are grinding nakedly against each other, their moans filling Ruth’s ears. The British Kitty guffaws, clearly thinking “Whoa! Jackpot!” and starts forward to join in the girlified fun when suddenly she’s moving incredibly fast again, finding herself back in her own room, crouched on the floor. She sits up, dizzy and disoriented, clearly feeling like hell. Her eyes bleary and bloodshot, she looks up at her computer, trembling with desire.
Later. Ruth is at Psyche’s site, hungrily reading over shooting scripts of the show. She seems to be trying to purge the bad panty fic from her mind with canon dialogue. Under her breath she murmurs some of her favorite Willow and Tara lines… all we hear is-
RUTH: Mmmlmrfrt… -lowhand… many dolphins at- …sneaky cat… extra flamey…
Still later. Ruth exits out of Psyche’s site, and she tentatively clicks on the WillTara Yahoo site. Chat is empty, but she goes in anyways, gazing sadly at the echoing emptiness of the blank chat. She begins to type to herself, pretending a conversation:
Tommo27_2000: Ruth: hey len
Tommo27_2000: Len: Ruth!
Tommo27_2000: Ruth: Did you see my post in the daily thread, love?
Tommo27_2000: Len: Why, yes! Yes, I did. Your analysis of the current W/T arc was so succinct, so articulate. Your posts are so refreshingly entertaining, Ruth. Especially your naughty, bitchy, bitter ones.
Tommo27_2000: Ruth: I know.
Tommo27_2000: Len: I’m so glad you’re a Lesbian Gay Type Lover now, Ruth. No one deserves it more than you.
Slowly we pull back as she continues to converse with imaginary Len. Grief is written in the lines of her face, but she seems to find the tiniest bit of comfort in this sham of a chat. We cut out lingering on her sad expression.
Cut to the kitty board. Shannon is trying to post in the daily thread. She uses her fingers to flip off a particularly annoying post before thinking of something to type in her own.
SHANNON: Ugh. Ignorant Straight Guy Newbie sure knows how to piss me off…
Ruth logs on and sends an IM to Shannon.
SHANNON: Ew, ew! Ew. (sucks on her fingers in an attempt to remind herself why she’s gay) Willow’s gay! She’s as freakin’ gay as I am!
RUTH: Or you could be bisexual.
SHANNON: Bisexuals are for wimps. I’m making lesbian gay type lover posts. You want?
RUTH: (opens window with the daily post in it) No thanks. I'm, uh, more in the daily thread mode.
Ruth opens up a window with the daily thread in it, sighing gently at the pancake question. Instinctively, she begins to reply before she’s thought of something intelligent to say. She’s too far gone now to care anyway. Shannon removes her post from the board, deciding that deleting is better than offending, and puts it on hold for a couple of days.
SHANNON: Ew. Ew. Ew. You sure? It's my own lesbo street cred that’s at stake here.
RUTH: I'm sure. No, my ... post count is feeling kind of…low today.
Ruth makes some more random and meaningless posts. Shannon takes a long hard look at Ignorant Straight Guy Newbie’s stupidity.
SHANNON: (bitterness at an all time high now) Your loss. I’m very bitter.
Shannon leaves the board and returns to the IM conversation with Ruth.
SHANNON: Xita Im’d me. She said she was going straight. (off Ruth’s confused and worried emoticon) From the Cross and Stake to chat tonight, she’s got more moderating to do.
RUTH: Oh, did she need help?
SHANNON: No, she was just IM’ing to check in. For like the tenth time today. I think she's feeling all bad moderatey 'cause of the other night when she was a no show in chat.
RUTH: Yeah, about that, I'm ... I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have assumed Xita would be in chat.
SHANNON: (posting a smiley face) Right. Assume would make you a chat whore out of me. Heh, um, or, uh, something. Anyway, please, it's cool. I mean, it's not like I even needed Len to stay in chat with me. I'm so totally fine on my own.
Ruth nods and smiles.
SHANNON: (anxiously) But, you are gonna be around online tonight, right?
RUTH: (earnestly) Right, totally! Uh, we can do something if you want. Talk smut fic, maybe?
SHANNON: (smiling) Really? But I thought you weren't feeling so down with the smut?
RUTH: Well ... nothing a little Shannon voice won't fix. (Shannon posts a huge smiley face) If you feel like dredging up those manipulated W/T jpegs, I’ll make sure there’s some moistness involved.
Shannon smiles with extreme relief.
SHANNON: Thank goddess! (decides to abandon the kitty board once and for all today) Remind me never to read Ignorant Straight Guy Newbie’s posts again. Yecch.
She opens up her recycle bin and gets rid of her bitter post once and for all. Ruth makes some more random posts, seeking out any thread she hasn’t yet replied in. She is aware that it doesn’t much matter to her what she posts, as long as she does.
RUTH: Great, this'll be great. I'll just make another couple of posts and then we can open up a private room and see what happens.
SHANNON: I'll leave a message for Xita on yahoo. That's the first place she goes after reading smut. She's such a whore after she’s read about Willow going downtown for the fiftieth time today.
Ruth goes off to a private chatroom. Shannon writes a yahoo message to Xita and leaves it for her.
Xita enters the Pens board, finding it quite deserted- or is it? A frantic, whirring clicky noise sounds from somewhere nearby; someone is really abusing their mouse. It sounds like it's coming from one of the new fic threads. Moving towards the noise, Xita calls out.
XITA: Ruth? Shannon?
There's no answer, and the board goes suddenly quiet. Perusing a few of the threads, Xita finds that a rash of smutty outpourings have crept up therein. Suddenly, hearing someone behind her, Xita whirls, pinning the lurker to the wall and eyeing her menacingly. It is Julia, looking strung-out and flushed.
XITA: What are you doing in here?
JULIA: Uh oh. Busted.
XITA: Did Ruth let you in here?
Julia fumbles to hide something behind her back but Xita sees it and makes grab for her hands.
XITA: What do you have?
Julia winces, her eyes wide.
JULIA: No, don't!
Xita wrestles a bunch of fic away from the wayward kitty, examining it more carefully.
XITA: What is this? "She kissed her rose-petal lips-"?
JULIA: It's not what you think it is! It's panty fic!
XITA: That IS what I thought it was. What's going on? Where's Ruth and Shannon?
JULIA: Ruth. I saw her- but that was before...
Distracted by something hanging out of Xita's pocket...
JULIA: Ooh, I like your fur-lined handcuffs! Where does the moderator of the Kitty find time to- oof!
Julia gasps as Xita slams her back into the wall harder than before and starts making eyes at the moderator, but Xita will have none of it, growing angrier by the minute and searching Julia with rough, grasping hands.
XITA: What else did you take?
Julia grins wickedly at being patted down. Several more fics and and some smutty, manipulated jpegs of W/T images fall out of her coat. This is when she starts to panic, pleading.
JULIA: Please! I need this stuff! Ruth wants me to have it. She understands-
XITA: Understands what? Being a whore for bad panty fic? I don't think so.
JULIA: She should! She's as bad as me. Worse! She’s Tiny Dogwood’s favorite now, the whore. I bet she's over at the Panty right now...
XITA : Oh, god... Shannon!
Xita drops Julia, the smutsress momentarily forgotten in her worry for Shannon.
Released, Julia frantically begins to gather up the fallen panty fic, clutching it preciously to her bosom. Xita runs out of the room headed determinedly towards the Panty to save the day. Julia gazes after her in surprise, calling out.
JULIA: So does this mean you're not going to read any of this to me?
Cut to the internet. Ruth and Shannon IM one another.
RUTH: So, uh, the smut was good? You liked it?
SHANNON: (smiling) Are you kidding? It was like a lesbian party in my mouth. (pauses) Okay, now I'm one of the biggest chat whores around and even *I* know that came out wrong. (Ruth gives a small smile, her eyes wandering to her favorites folder) Uh, it was good. But you should have posted some of it on the board or something.
RUTH: I will. I'll post. I'm ... trying to limit my posts, you know, for Len and Xita. (pauses) The other day, you went into chat?
SHANNON: (frowns) Mm, what other day? Give me a Mon or a Fri here, all the smut tends to roll into one long chat after a while.
RUTH: The other day with Len.
SHANNON: Oh! Uh, yeah. I-I mean, it was, it was nice. Uh, but it wasn't as whorish as usual. He's sad and everything.
RUTH: Did he say something?
SHANNON: Uh, not exactly. I can just tell, by the way he was typing. His fonts were all wonky.
RUTH: Oh.
Ruth seems distracted. Shannon types an anxious little smiley into the conversation.
SHANNON: Uh, are you sure you're okay? Your fonts look a little-
RUTH: No, I'm fine. And Len’s a moderator and everything, he's all non-smut on the board?
SHANNON: Um ... we really didn't get into smut ... well... (looking around) Is this right? I-is this the way to chat?
RUTH: Oh yeah, I'm, uh, I just, uh, took you. (off Shannon’s bemused emoticon) The long way around the internet. But we're almost there. I, uh, just have to make one quick stop first.
Ruth clicks on her favorites folder and passes the link over to Shannon. Shannon frowns, but clicks on the link.
Cut to a Buffy posting board. Ruth and Shannon find themselves on the topic list. Shannon looks around nervously.
SHANNON: What is this place? (reads the name of the board) The Eau d’Aly? How did we get here? I don’t have this URL bookmarked. I mean, ew.
RUTH: I don't know, it's cool, isn't it? Okay, you just hang here for a minute ... and I'll, I'll be back. (starts to look at the topic list, pauses) You want me to give you the URL to some smutfic or something?
SHANNON: Well, what about chat? It starts at nine.
RUTH: (nodding, twitchy) We'll make it. I, I'll just be a minute. And it doesn't matter if we miss Brian and Xita bitching.
Ruth stumbles to the daily thread, opens it although she’s posted in there three times already, goes in. Her eyes light up at the forbidden fruit of ‘other’ posting boards. She lingers over the ‘Off Topic’ thread and lurches close by the ‘Aly’s Eau – taste it and see’ thread. She stops by the thread that has straight girls foaming at the mouth over the virtues of Alybutt and blinks slowly. She feels drawn to it, inexorably.
Shannon stares at the number of threads already started by Ruth and appears worried.
SHANNON: (to herself) I like Brian and Xita bitching...
ACT 3
Open on Shannon sitting in her chair staring at her screen, at the main welcome page of Eau d’ Aly. A SLEAZY DRI TYPE PERSON IMs her, looking for some naughty chat.
SLEAZY DRI TYPE PERSON: What r u wearing???
Disgusted, and more than a little creeped out, Shannon quickly closes the IM window, praying that this sick-o will leave her alone. Restlessly, she looks down at the clock in the corner of her computer screen. It reads 10:01.
On Shannon. She’s been waiting for Ruth for an hour now and she’s really running out of patience. Resolve face firmly on, she sits back, prepared to wait just a little bit longer.
Cut to the private inner sanctum chat with Ruth and Tiny Dogwood. TD’s voice comes over the mic. She sounds kinda… afterglowy. Smug.
TINY DOGWOOD: What do you think, Moon Goddess? Can you handle some more?
We can hear heavy, winded breathing over Ruth’s voice chat. On Ruth, who sits hunched over in front of her computer, clenching her fingers against what seem to be a series of involuntary muscle convulsions, as though she’s been typing frantically for a very long time. Her hands shake.
TINY DOGWOOD: My turn.
TD starts to read another one of her godawful fics. Ruth’s eyes close, her mouth dropping open in an expression of guilty pleasure. Again, she hallucinates. She is swimming through what appears to be a giant aquarium with fish in it, but all around her is light, airy, not actual water, or actual anything really. It’s computer graphics, as though she has stepped into a virtual reality world where nothing is really tangible, an electronic limbo. The same four fish swim idly by, again and again. Her attention wandering past them, Ruth looks outside of the “glass” of the fishbowl, seeing suddenly a vaguely Dutch-shaped figure in silhouette, standing very close, pressed up against the clear wall of white, static energy. It’s clutching something to its chest, but she can’t make it out.
Suddenly the face looms close to her, somehow inside the fishtank now. It leers at her opening its arms from which fall reams of paper, panty fic, all of it, and it is drowning her, burying her in a mountain of skeezily worded horror. We hear Ruth scream over voice chat as we cut for the first time to the actual physical lair of Tiny Dogwood. A really horrid remix of some Loreena McKennett song is playing in the room, which is decorated with frilly magenta fabric draped across the walls. We can’t make out any of TD’s features, but there’s something off about the way she sits, leaning into the computer. The cord to her mouse is wrapped around part of her arm, almost like some strange kind of umbilical. Her eyes seem to glow strangely in the neon light of the computer, which is the room’s only illumination. That little bit of light glints off of large teeth as she cackles, hearing Ruth scream.
Cut to April’s room. She has fallen asleep at her computer again, and wakes with a start having been BUZZed over Yahoo Messenger by Xita.
XITA: By Joss! Do you sleep through anything? I’ve been IMing you for like, five minutes.
APRIL: I’m a bit binty. Had kind of a whorish night.
April types to send an angelic smiley to Xita, taunting her about their recent shenanigans. Xita sends back the sticking-my-tongue-out-at-you smiley.
APRIL: Someone should teach you how to use that tongue properly, whore.
Xita sends her a link to the Kitty, ignoring that last comment.
XITA: Hurry up and get in here. Shannon is missing.
APRIL: Again? You ever think of getting a dominatrix for that girl? A mistress of pain type to keep her in line-
Xita sends a fuming smiley. April lets up a bit, trying to get on her good side.
APRIL: So what’s the story?
XITA: She’s off cavorting with Ruth.
APRIL: Ruth? Kind of a sorry excuse to IM me, isn’t that? You want the cybertouch, all you gotta do is-
XITA: April! Ruth is into something. She and Shannon have been MIA for hours. They’re showing up on my Yahoo messenger, but they haven’t responded to my IMs. There’s this chick named Tiny Dogwood-
April grows concerned of this. She’s heard of Eau d’ Aly, and she doesn’t much care for the thought of poor, sweet Shannon being anywhere near the kind of creeps who hand out over there.
APRIL: Tiny Dogwood?
XITA: She’s some kind of-
APRIL: I know who she is. She deals in panty fic. Really awful stuff. Dangerous.
XITA: I’ve been all over the web, and I can’t find her site on any of the search engines.
APRIL: Because she doesn’t list it. You can’t find it unless someone shows it to you, and they don’t do that unless they know you’re fresh meat for the panty fic grinder. Tiny Dogwood has an insatiable appetite for brand new panty fic.
XITA: Shit! How are we going to find them?
APRIL: No, it’s okay. I know where it is.
XITA: You do? (confused) But you just said-
APRIL: Hey, do you want to go find Shannon or not?
XITA: Um. Yeah, sorry. Send me the link?
April reverts to her teasing mode and sends her a link to a manipulated pic instead. Xita clicks on it and finds herself staring at Buffy and Willow clasping each other nakedly, grinding against one another in wanton ecstasy.
XITA: Fucking WHORE!
April sends a laughing smiley before sending her the real link.
Cut to the other board. Shannon is waiting by the topic list, fidgeting. She looks at the clock on her computer. It now shows almost 11.00.
Shannon sighs, fidgets, looks around. Starts pushing her cursor towards the Off Topic thread.
SLEAZY DRI TYPE PERSON: Hey, you need to be registered. Want some W/T caps?
As Shannon approaches the thread, her IM flashes and Ruth enters, smiling.
RUTH: Hey Shannon. It's chat time.
SHANNON: (angrily) Do you know how long I've been out here? It's too late for chat. And that Dri looks familiar, like -
Shannon notices that Ruth’s fonts are completely black.
SHANNON: (nervous) Are-are you, are you okay?
RUTH: Fine. Let's get outta here.
Ruth turns to leave the other board. Shannon looks anxious, follows.
Cut to the two of them in IM. Ruth types unsteadily, occasionally talking over Shannon in voice and making horrific grammatical and spelling errors.
RUTH: So, what do you wanna do, cutie? (smiling)
SHANNON: (sullen) It's late. I just wanna go and be bitter somewhere.
RUTH: Uch! No way! I said we were gonna pop on over to the Kitten Board, and we’re gonna go to the Kitten Board.
Shot of the yahoo messenger window, POV of someone watching and seeing them online. Cut back to the IM window.
SHANNON: (nervous) I'm serious, I think we should just avoid the Kitten Board.
RUTH: (mocking) ' I think we should just avoid the Kitten Board.' (another shot from yahoo messenger window) Come on, Shannon, it's posting time, do you wanna play with the lesbian gay type lovers or not?
Shannon types in an upset emoticon. Another shot from the yahoo messenger window as whatever's following them realises they’re online.
SHANNON: Why are you acting this way?
RUTH: Oh, don't get all weird on me, we're fine. Everything's fine. I just wanna post a little, is all.
Another shot from the yahoo messenger window. Now we see the thing following them, although it's hidden by open applications and browser windows. It's definitely Dutch-shaped. It snarls and continues following.
Cut to April and Xita’s IM box.
APRIL: No, I checked and it said neither of them are currently logged into Eau d’ Aly.
XITA: Eau d’ Aly? What kind of fucked up name for a site is that? I mean… really. No sign of them whatsoever?
APRIL: Well, there are a bunch of posts by Ruth, the last of which are dated as having been written about ten minutes ago. They can’t have gotten too far, but then who knows where they could be off to by now.
XITA: I sweartagod, if you’re dragging this out-
APRIL: Yeah. Like I’m enjoying the prolonged exposure to your bitterness.
XITA: Like you’ve never stalled before.
APRIL: Maybe. But we’ve been through this already, haven’t we? Things have changed.
XITA: Will you quit with that!
Xita changes fonts, a bolder, more stony shape to her typed words.
XITA: The only thing that’s different is that I’m disgusted with myself. That’s the power of your binty charms. The other night was the most perverse, degrading experience of my Buffy fandom.
April sends a toothy grin smiley.
APRIL: Yeah. Me too.
XITA: Well maybe you get off on that, but it’s not my style.
APRIL: No, it’s your calling. Gave me a run for MY panty flinging money, Miss Moderator Fantastico.
Xita doesn’t know what to say to that, she knows there’s something to it.
XITA: …
APRIL: Now I admit it. You’ve had me by the panty. I want your Willowness. You know it. (pause) But I got my sassy eggs back. You felt something last night.
XITA: Not real lesbian gay type love.
APRIL: Not yet. But I’m in your smutfic files now. You’re going to crave my Take Charge Tara like I crave panties being flung in my general direction in chat every night.
April has gotten to Xita. She lashes out, clearly unable to accept what any of this means.
XITA: I want you off of my board, April. Out of the Kitty, out of WillTara-
APRIL: Too late for that. You made me a moderator. And as for the Kitty, you need me. Like tonight-
XITA: Forget it. I’ll find Shannon by myself.
APRIL: You really gonna put one of your precious kitties in peril just to spite me?
This stops Xita. Of course she isn’t. She doesn’t reply.
APRIL: I didn’t think so. Now come on, let’s try another board.
Cut to Shannon and Ruth still talking.
Shannon looks extremely nervous.
SHANNON: Ruth. (shot of Ruth staggering over various posting boards with her mouse) I'm serious. I'm going offline.
RUTH: Uch, then go! God, I thought we were gonna hang around the board for a while. Y’know, post.
SHANNON: (alarmed) Well, you're not going offline too?
RUTH: Well, I don't know. (smiling) Maybe I could just, uh, post instead of you!
SHANNON: With my password? (shakes head in disgust)
Suddenly Shannon hears a noise alerting her to her friends list. She stops, looking very fearful.
SHANNON: What's that?
RUTH: What? I didn't-
SHANNON: Uh ... I'm getting offline.
Shannon begins to bang on her keyboard, very fast.
RUTH: Aw, Shannon, don't. It was probably a newbie adding you to their friends list even though they don’t know who you are, or something like that.
Shannon turns to look back into the IM window she shares with Ruth, when suddenly someone joins their conversation. It's the same Dutch guy from Ruth’s two hallucinations earlier. Shannon types in a horrified face, saying nothing. Ruth looks alarmed, cyber-pats her on the head.
RUTH: Oh, it's okay, he's not a real moderator, he’s a minion.
SHANNON: (scared) Seems real! Very! Real!
GARFIELD: You summoned me, bitch.
RUTH: (nervous, moving back) I, I didn't-
GARFIELD: Did. You raised your status with your frantic posting.
Garfield growls, reaches out with the power of all moderators and slashes Shannon’s last post in half. She shrieks. Ruth moves in front of everyone by posting again. Garfield holds his secret password very close to his chest.
GARFIELD: Smells like newbie…posting too much…
RUTH: Don't! She has nothing to do with it, it was me! I was posting! My posts!
GARFIELD: Yessss.
Shannon cowers in the IM window as Garfield goes to check the board.
Suddenly Shannon manages to close the window, escaping the internet clutches of the demon. He is momentarily booted and swears loudly as his voice refuses to connect to the server again. Shannon and Ruth go invisible.
Garfield logs back into yahoo and puts swear words on his status.
Cut to another browser window. Shannon and Ruth try to open up a private little chat room for themselves.
SHANNON: He's coming! He's too fast! He’ll know we’re hiding!
RUTH: (struggling with her browser window; too many are open at the same time and her computer is not responding as quickly as she’d like) Open!
We see an almost empty thread on the Kitten Board. The window opens and loads very slowly. Damn those avatars and pictures, nice as they are, at the bottom of the board!
RUTH: Get in this thread!
Ruth and Shannon jump into the thread, Ruth in the ‘post reply’ window already, Shannon in the thread that she realises is a resurrection of the ‘Willow’s Sexuality’ discussion.
RUTH: Post!
Her reply window closes. Garfield comes onto the Kitten Board.
RUTH: Post! Post anything!
Her computer whines with the effort of clicking so hurriedly on her mouse.
Garfield continues searching every thread on the Kitten Board.
Ruth sits on the Kitten Board ‘Willow’s Sexuality’ thread laughing. Shannon stares at her in horror.
SHANNON: What are you doing?! You’re posting here?!
We see Ruth moving her mouse wheel up and down the thread. The thread veers crazily from top to bottom of the open browser window.
Shannon holds onto the sides of her computer and screams. Garfield continues pursuing.
RUTH: Woo! (laughing) Willow’s sexuality! That’s exciting and interesting!
Shannon stares at Ruth, terrified. The thread begins to increase in size as others join Ruth in her posting frenzy. It doesn’t matter what you say, as long as you say something. Shannon continues screaming.
RUTH: (looking back over her shoulder) Take that, Garf-
Her computer flickers once, the Kitten Board window blinking at her mockingly, her own avatar slowly changing from picture to picture. Then there is the sound of static as her computer switches off.
Blackout.
ACT 4
Open on the same scene. The computer is coming back to life slowly, although it’s clear Ruth’s favorites folder will never be the same again. She sits at her desk, worried, smoke curling up from a wayward cigarette.
Pan in closer and we can see Shannon still in her seat at her desk. No sign of Ruth on the Kitten Board. Shannon lifts her head and groans.
SHANNON: Oh god.
She gets her browser open and enters the Kitten Board, clutching her mouse with an expression of pain. There's excessive posting levels on her profile. She limps slowly around the front of the board to the topic list, looks over at her yahoo messenger window and rushes over to Ruth’s status, now reading ‘What the fuck is your problem? I’m just posting!’ We get a quick glimpse of Ruth slumped over her monitor.
Garfield appears, in a pop up messenger window right in front of Shannon. She screams, closes the window immediately and begins trying to go invisible, but yahoo is not responding. For a friggin’ change.
Garfield opens up another messenger window and virtually grabs hold of Shannon.
Cut to Xita and April moderating on the board. At least, that’s what they *say* they’re doing. Sound of Shannon buzzing them. They both look to their yahoo messenger window, exchange a quick IM and rush off toward the board.
Cut back to the Kitten Board. Shannon screams and clicks her mouse as Garfield berates her in the daily thread, deleting her ranting and bitter posts. Her posting level drops.
Garfield pulls her all the way off the board and she throws a handful of smutfic in his inbox. He lets her go and rubs at his eyes, really rather pleased at the new smut coming his way. Shannon gets up and tries to close her computer down, but he grabs her again in IM. Shannon shrieks and tries to distract him with more smut, throwing in a panty fic for good measure.
Garfield deletes her again and she flies quite a way down the posting levels, lands on Floating Rose. She gets up on all fours and tries to reach for her mouse again.
Garfield comes over with wicked smilies and snarls at her.
XITA: Shannon!
Xita tackles Garfield, carrying him away from Shannon’s IM window. They both type expletives at one another. Xita deletes his ‘bending over’ posts. Moving over the board, she tries to keep his post count down but he grabs her password and wreaks havoc, editing and re-editing. Xita begins editing too, half amazed at his huge red fonts everywhere, and his stunning use of marquee.
April crouches next to Shannon to check her password and flings a panty at her.
Xita ducks a couple of moving red fonts and edits Garfield. He deletes her, then she laughs at him and uses her moderator status to sweep his post out from under him. His version of yahoo crashes. Again. Xita tries to IM him but it’s like he’s invisible or something, just lurking. She flies across the internet, opening up windows to all the spoiler boards that he visits. Garfield appears back online again, with his ‘ambersaidass’ status flickering into her browser. She catches him logging onto the Kitten Board spoiler thread in a futile attempt to catch up with Ruth’s post count.
Garfield growls and snarls, but as he attempts to post, he begins to click pointlessly on a window that’s just going to close on him again.
XITA: (bemused) *Now* you're crashing? (shrugs) Better late than never.
Xita frowns as Garfield begins to scream and steam comes off his monitor. His rain of profanity is lost as his computer goes down in a shower of sparks and smoke.
Ruth stumbles into the thread, her eyes jet black, fingers still sparking from the amount of posts she has accrued.
Xita rushes over to where Shannon is slumped, bitter and angry, watching the rain fall.
XITA: Shannon...Shannon...what happened?
SHANNON: Garfield...he was after Ruth...she made too many posts...DON'T! (as Xita gingerly checks Shannon's password)
XITA: No honey, please, I need to see it, okay? I need to see your password.
RUTH: (rushing over, eyes still black from the multiple posts) Shannon? Oh God, there's bitterness...
XITA: We need to get her out of the spoiler thread and into chat.
RUTH: (panicked) Is she okay? Is she okay?
XITA: Back off whore, I've got her.
RUTH: No...Shannon...
XITA: (angry) I mean it! Stay away from the board!
RUTH: (running over to Shannon) Shannon...Shannon...it was an accident...I didn't know how many posts I was making. I'm so so sorry...
Shannon looks Ruth up and down with obvious disgust, then draws back her hand and slaps her. It's clear they both rather enjoy the experience.
RUTH: Shannon...Shannon...don't...Shannon I'm sorry…(begins to sob aloud)
As Shannon is taken away Ruth falls to the ground, her tears giving way to huge wracking sobs of genuine anguish. Yes, she's posting lots, but it doesn't make the lack of new episodes, or the need for less angst ridden spoilers any less.
April takes Shannon away, into the warm and comforting world of t