Hey Kittens,
I know I said I'd have the next part up soon, so I'm sorry it took this long to finally update.
Once again, thank you to everyone who left feedback. Hopefully you guys will enjoy this part.
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Title: She was never gone, she was with me
Rating: I'm not quite sure, PG 13 or maybe R
Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone. Willow, Tara, Buffy, Dawn, etc. belong to Joss.
Feedback: Yes please!!! Pretty please?
Warning: character death. high angst
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Amber walked over to her Mommy. Her tiny hand softy connected with Willow’s tearstained cheek.
“Feel mommy,” she softly whispered, wiping away Willow’s tears.
Willow closed her eyes. She could feel her daughter’s gentle touch. It reminded her of Tara so much. Amber had Tara’s hands. As much as her daughter’s touch reminded her of Tara usually, at that moment she felt as if it was really Tara caressing her cheek.
She savored the sensation.
The redhead however almost bolted as a familiar voice sounded in her ears. If this wasn’t real, she couldn’t live through losing her again.
“Darling, open your eyes”
“Tara?”
Willow’s voice broke and tears cascaded down her cheeks. In the six years since her lover’s death, never had she experienced a memory that vivid of her.
Defying the voice, Willow kept her eyes closed, afraid that if she dare open them she would lose the wonderful feeling of warmth and safety that was coursing through her being.
“Mommy?”
A different voice broke the sensation.
“Did you see her Mommy?”
Willow shook her head.
“No, but I felt…what was that Amber?”
Amber smiled a knowing smile. She didn’t know the laws of nature or physics, not enough to question whether Mamma’s presence should have been possible.
“It was Mamma. She wants to say hello.”
Willow’s body shook with sobs.
“She knows you cry at night, but she says you’re strong. Like an azamon.”
Willow had to smile through her tears.
“Amazon, sweetie.”
Amber nodded, naive to the correction Willow made.
Amber was still learning to pronounce some words. Some parents would be bothered by the fact that their child was mispronouncing words, but Amber had been through a lot, and Willow sometimes worried that she was growing up too fast, so her childlike displays were never reprimanded.
Willow reached out to take Amber into her arms, placing the child on her lap. The miniature redhead snuggled into her mother’s embrace, and Willow pressed her cheek to the top of her daughter’s head.
“Baby, I need you to tell me about Mamma’s visits. How is she here?”
Amber looked into Willow’s eyes.
“I wished for her.”
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Amber couldn’t sleep. Her blankets felt heavy and her pillow too lumpy, so she twisted and turned until she got so tangled up in her kitten print sheets that she almost tumbled out of the bed.
She huffed at Max, the stuffed dog with a missing eye, before pushing away her covers. Usually Max would make her feel better. He was a very good listener. Except tonight she had nothing to say, nothing that Max could understand anyway.
She walked over to the window and gazed out into the night sky. The moon was full, the stars twinkled brightly and the crickets chirped outside. She listened to the sounds of the night and the soft weeping that resonated from the other bedroom. Amber knew her Mommy was crying again. She was crying for her Mamma.
She remembered asking once why she cried at night. Her Mommy answered that it was because at night she didn’t have her Mamma to hold and it made her miss her just that much more. Amber climbed into bed with her that night and held her Mommy instead.
She wondered whether Mamma cried too because she missed them. The stars were an awfully long way away.
Amber sighed, and went to pick up to Max again.
“I wish Mommy had Mamma to make her happy again,” she whispered to the stuffed dog.
The tiny redhead didn’t see the extra bright star shooting through the sky that night, but she knew something had changed.
A warmth filled her little heart, a warmth that wasn’t there before but nevertheless felt like home. It reminded her of all those stormy nights that she spent cuddled up in her Mommy’s arms. She felt shielded from the bad stuff in the world, and finally let the drowsiness engulf her.
Amber let out a tiny yawn and as she climbed back under the covers, and as her eyes fell shut she swore she could see the beautiful specter of her Mamma standing over her bed, singing the sweetest song she’d ever heard.
“Mamma…”
She wanted to reach out to her, but her hand felt too heavy and her words died on her lips. She was very tired.
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Amber didn’t remember much from the first visit, only that she thought her Mamma looked like an angel.
“She visits me lots now. She says she watches over both of us, and that she wishes she could see you smile more.”
The statement made Willow tear up more, but her heart fluttered with hope and love, and she let a full-blown smile grow on her face.
“W-would she visit me tonight?” Willow asked timidly.
She wanted to see Tara so badly. There was so much to tell her, to ask her. But there was also so much she wanted to do. To kiss her, to feel her, to taste her…but would she able to? Would she come as a ghost?
Willow wanted to ask Amber so much, but she didn’t want to overwhelm the child. She was sure that her non-stop crying for over the past quarter of an hour was alarming her enough.
Amber tilted her head, as if thinking about the question for a while, but Willow thought that perhaps Amber wasn’t thinking about it but rather asking Tara about it.
The child turned back to her mother.
“She wants to. She says she misses you, but she says the time must be right and then you’ll be able to see her.”
Willow nodded. She was slightly disappointed, and maybe if Tara were visiting anyone but their daughter she would have also been jealous, but she was glad that Tara was visiting Amber. She deserved to know their wonderful child, and Amber in turn deserved to know Tara’s love first hand.
She hoped the stories she’d told her of Tara conveyed how much she had loved her and always would love her, but she knew that no amount of words were powerful enough to let her know the extent of Tara’s love.
“Is she…Is she here? Talking to you now?” Willow wondered.
Amber scrunched her face up in concentration. She wasn’t sure how to explain such complex feelings yet. This wasn’t as simple as happy or angry, or even love and hurt. It was something that teachers didn’t teach in class. She had felt it for years, since her Mamma’s first visit, but she never had to explain it to anyone. It was just there, making her safe and warm.
“She’s always here Mommy, but at the same time she’s not. Her feelings are here but you can’t always talk to her. Well, you can talk to her, she’ll listen. She always listens, but she might not answer in words”
Amber thought a bit more before going on. She wanted to convey how she felt.
“Her love has never left us.”
Willow cast her mind back to a few minutes ago, when she felt the warmth coursing through her body. The warmth was pure Tara. It filled her with love, peace and safety, and Willow realized that it was the same sensation that she got when she felt the world was too much, and it was too hard to go on.
Willow carted the shopping trolley down the pasta isle. She picked up a packet or Amber’s favorite mushroom flavored pasta, before moving on to the next isle.
She went past many items she didn’t need, combs, headbands, lipstick purses, lip-glosses and other various vanity products, hoping to reach the shampoo section soon.
She was feeling rather irritated up to the point of reaching the diaper section. It seemed no matter where she went those brightly colored boxes always followed. She had to stop shopping at the previous supermarket because the “Huggies Nappies” were located right next to the toothpaste, and she couldn’t go past them without breaking down.
It seems this supermarket placed the Nappies right next to the shampoos. Willow felt tears well up in her eyes, she felt her throat close up, and her oxygen cut off. She found it hard to breathe, but part of her also didn’t want to. Sometimes Willow wondered if she would still be here if she didn’t have Amber to take care of.
She tried to ignore the grief she welling up inside her by taking a few steady steps towards the shampoos. She reached out to grasp a blue bottle of berry scented shampoo, but her hand was trembling with the effort of concealing her tears and the product slipped from her hold, landing on the floor with an echoing thud.
Scrambling on the floor to pick up the bottle, Willow lost her hold on her emotions and began to sob.
But somehow watching the blue goo leaking from the bottle and running into the cracks of the tile calmed the redhead. Blue, like Tara’s eyes, she thought, suddenly feeling stronger. A comforting warmth enveloped her body, and she managed to get off the floor, pay for her purchases and get through the rest of the day.
Sometimes Willow would feel guilty, because those times gave her hope. But at that moment she realized that she felt hope because Tara was there to give it to her.
Pressing Amber closer, she whispered, “I know what you mean sweetie.”
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It was a few days since Willow's conversation with Amber, but the redhead had not stopped thinking about Tara's nightly visits to their daughter. Although knowing that Tara wasn't really gone made her heart lighter her days still left her drained emotionally. Not having Tara there with her still hurt.
It was close to midnight when Willow finally made it to bed. She was beyond exhausted but found herself unable to succumb to sleep. The blankets were warm, but she felt a chill run down her spine.
She sighed, rolling over to face the bedside table. The double bed felt too large. She still hadn’t got used to the excess amount of space.
She now faced a beautifully framed photograph of Tara. It was one of Willow’s favorite photos, taken in college, during one of their trips to the beach. They didn’t often go swimming but Tara loved the soft ocean breeze on a hot day. In the photograph she stood smiling in front of the ocean. The water reflected the sunlight, creating a glow behind the blonde and making her truly appear angelic.
Willow ran her fingers over the image. She drew the photograph close to her before placing a tender kiss on the glass of the frame. Blowing out a shaky breath, she allowed the nightly torrent of tears cascade down her cheeks.
“I wish you were here,” she said, her voice trembling and her eyes closing in pain.
“I am darling.”
Willow’s eyes shot open to see Tara standing right next to the bed. She was frozen, afraid that the blonde was an illusion or worse, but everything in her soul told her otherwise.
Moving hesitantly she gingerly reached out with one hand to touch Tara, expecting her fingers to go through the girl and almost jumping back in surprise when they met solid flesh.
“Tara”
Willow’s voice cracked as she softly spoke her lover’s name. Her body trembled as her hands began to explore her lover’s body. She didn’t know what she was looking for. Injuries, changes, perhaps a confirmation that this really was Tara.
Her heart accelerated with excitement and fear. For the first time since Tara’s death, Willow felt complete. The giant hole in her heart, through which every attempt of happiness would fall through, was finally filled. But at the same time she could not stop the fear coursing through her body. What if Tara left, what if she lost her again? She knew she wouldn’t be able to go on, but she knew she would have to for Amber’s sake. Living would be hell.
Tara didn’t want to push Willow. She knew it was painful for her lover, so she waited for Willow to initiate contact and set the pace. But when Willow’s knees began to buckle, Tara acted on reflex and captured the redhead in her arms before she could hit the floor.
Huddled in her lover’s arms, Willow began to weep. She wept for her loss, she wept for Amber’s loss, she wept for the six years that Tara missed out on actively raising Amber and she wept for the six years that their family was incomplete.
Willow wanted to stop crying. She wanted to revel in Tara’s arms, explore her body, remember what it felt like to be simply loved by the blonde, but her emotions were beyond her control.
Tara held on to the redhead. She had missed her so much. Watching her everyday, seeing her pain and heartbreak as her face would crumple and her shoulder shake while strangled sobs escaped from her deep inside her heart, and not being able to do anything tore Tara up inside. But tonight wasn’t about her. It was about making Willow feel loved.
Tara began to shift, repositioning the redhead even closer to her body. Willow’s heart almost stopped. She was afraid that any change might make Tara disappear.
“Please, don’t go,” Willow’s voice was tiny and hoarse and it broke Tara’s heart.
In all the years they had been together, with all apocalypses they had faced, she hadn’t once seen Willow as vulnerable and afraid as she was now.
She tightened her hold on the trembling redhead and whispered into her ear. “Never.”
Tara knew Willow wouldn’t be able to stand soon. Without letting go of her lover, she led them both to the double bed. She settled back against the headboard, bringing Willow to lie on top of her. The physical sensation of the solid wood board supporting her back felt good, but the sensation of holding her beloved Willow against her body felt amazing.
It was minutes or perhaps hours later, and the two lovers lay tangled in each other’s limbs.
Willow hadn’t been able to say much, but Tara knew she had many questions. She also knew she couldn’t answer all of them. She wished she could have come to the redhead earlier but she knew that if she were to visit Willow, it would only be in spirit, and Willow would not be able to touch her, hold her… feel her. It would have broken her heart and she couldn’t bear to cause Willow more pain. She had caused her enough. So she had to wait until the day she could finally return to her beautiful wife and child.
Willow had much to ask, and Tara much to tell, but for tonight the reunited couple just wanted to take comfort in each other’s arms. They drifted off to a peaceful sleep. For the first time in years tomorrow held the promise of a future for the two lovers.
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