Ok, I know I started that other fic and I plan on finishing it eventually but I decided that I would do this one as well to motivate me on the other front. Not that many people were reading that other fic anyway so I've decided it should be more for myself. Since I don't trust people to be kind to me I decided not to have a beta on this. So bare with me and if there are tons of mistakes feel free to not read the story. It is completely AU but it is about Willow and Tara. So hopefully if no one enjoys it, I will enjoy posting it up here. 
[hr]
Title—Find Her There
Rating—Could be anything, just be warned that most of it won’t be that highly rated but some might sneak in every now and again.
Copyright Disclaimer—These characters belong to Mutant Enemy, Joss Whedon, and whatever other network owned them for a while. Lucky bastards or just smart...dunno.
Summary--This story is AU like I said above, although one of our two favorite girls has magic powers in the beginning and the other comes into her powers too. I dunno which yet so bare with me! Don't hate me for bad grammar, like I said before not a writer. Oh yea and the story starts with a married couple...hmm!
[hr]
Chapter 1
Trapped
I told her, not many people believe in magic, yet she cannot believe that. Firm belief in magic leaves one in a fantasy world that is not real. Reality has no magic, and if it does, not enough for even the most powerful witch to grab hold of. Willow is my heart, but sometimes I cannot deal with her because of her fantasies. She lives inside herself and it frustrates me because I do not have access.
That day was perfect, with light cloud cover, full, bright sun, and a cool breeze from the north. Willow just looked plainly outward, not noticing the beauty of the day like she used to. When there were days like this she couldn’t even stand in one spot. She always went out for a run, walk, something.
She seemed to always glide, as though floating with magical wings in her shoes. The light in her eyes appeared to heal the saddest person of their sorrow, the most naive person of their ignorance, and the most selfish person into helping a stranger.
Now she just sits, looking forward, not really seeing. It causes such great turmoil in my heart to know how she used to be and then to watch her now.
I would be content to live inside her, to be with her. But I can not get in, and I can not persuade her to come out. Even though I am a psychiatrist and deal heavily with these types of people, to be in love with one is almost impossible. Yet, it is very possible, because my love for her is beyond hardship.
In the past, she was normal, loving, and believed in magic just a little, like every other person in the world. But she was special, because the magic she believed in glows through her eyes and sparks her personality that set a fire in everyone she met, including me.
When I met her it was instant love I felt, she intrigued me so. Her eyes, lovely green, excited my soul, my fervor for life. Although she looked like a shy redhead, there was no doubt in my heart that she was special, and still is. I came across her in a local bar, the Bronze, that I barely attended, how fate-like. Instantaneously I felt drawn to her and ventured to inquire her name.
What a unique name it is, Willow Rosenberg. I sensed a underlying meaning in it, and asked right away,
“What is it your name means?” Her eyes grew in light and I stared as deeply into them as I possibly could dive.
“I don’t really know, my mother once told me that Willow is an ancient name from a sort of lost civilization,” extremely interested, I interrupted her to inquire further.
“What civilization is that?”
“She didn’t know exactly, but I believe it has something to do with Antarctica before it froze over,” she grew more excited by the moment. I thought it to deal with a love of explaining her name.
“And, it means?” I asked again, hoping to get an overwhelming feeling of bliss from the discovery of her name’s meaning.
“My name means, Forever overjoyed, and of course my last name is Rosenberg, which I’m sure you know the meaning of,” she completed this statement with a snicker of amusement. Of course I had no idea of its meaning, but it sounded Jewish.
From then on, I almost became a stalker, following her every move and enjoying her company. It was not long before we joined hands at the altar and married. I suppose that was the time the symptoms started, although particularly minute.
When I met her I was already a psychiatrist and because I was blinded by love, I did not see it coming. Did not catch the signs that now seem so obvious. Things like, exerted happiness for a couple days and then a light depression for several more days. Everyone has his or her ups and downs so I thought nothing of it. I basked in her happiness, and consoled her in her sadness, just like any spouse would.
But, it escalated to the level it is now. It took some two years to get here and I now see the signs clear as day, and I am ashamed to have overlooked my beloved’s sickness. Because I did not help her she has turned to magic.
Not that type of magic used by the insane people who think themselves witches or vampires. The real magic of nature and the magic of people helping each other overcome adversities. The magic that inside the realm of oneself is as real as the chair you sit on or the food you eat to stay alive.
She needs this magic to live, it keeps her alive, but she is not herself anymore. Do not get me wrong, there are good days, the days when she is manic. Extremely happy, loving, seductive, and much more. These days are overshadowed by the depressive episodes that have lasted as long as six months. These are the days that I sometimes wish to die because I have failed to save my Willow from self-destruction.
She is bi-polar, yet she does not take her medicine, and can not be forced. Her condition worsens everyday but I can not help her, for I am the failure that I am.
It is okay right now, it is a good day and I seek to enter her world, to be her spouse in the reality she lives under her depressive modes. While she is here in the true reality I am expending all my energies to travel back with her and live inside her. It is my only desire. I no longer wish to save her and bring her back to me, only to save myself and go with her. I will plead with her to let me in until I find some kind of way to reach her.
****
Everything falls apart even the people who never frown, eventually break down. I’m reminded of a Linkin Park song, as I assess the so-called problem as my spouse calls it. The psychiatrist is so worried about my well being, but I keep trying to explain that I am not bi-polar. But every time I talk no one seems to hear. My Tara, used to hear every word I said, she listened deeply and understand unconditionally.
This leaves me to believe that I am stuck in another world, so to speak. Every time they think that I am in my depressive episode, I am actually trapped inside myself. The psychiatrist even thinks in my manic periods that I have returned to her reality. But no, I am stuck inside myself not being able to explain what is happening, not being able to seek freedom.
I believe in magic and most people, unfortunately don‘t. About two to three years ago I started falling, or collapsing inside myself, if you can understand that better. It was very slow and I tried to explain it to my spouse but Tara just thought of me as having an active imagination.
I suppressed my spark inside myself so as to have a normal life, and it made a world of it’s own inside me and drew me in, slow enough that I didn’t really understand it until it was too late. I didn’t grasp, it was not to be ignored.
I wonder what curse was put upon my soul that I deserve this. All I want to be is normal, yet I was born in a place, not known by many, born with a spark that empowered my very voice.
“How do I grant her access? What will it take to make love apart of this world you have sucked me into? Talk to me!”
The Spark spoke,
WE do not think she belongs. WE shall not break open things that are not meant to be severed. Forget your love, ignore your heart. You can have all you desire here. You can embrace your power. Why will you not be content!?
“I cannot be content! I got married for a reason, the reason is love, and it is more powerful than any existence you give me here. Please I will beg you, I will be nothing but despaired if you do not release me. Then what will become of your plan to keep me here against my will! Please, I beg you to let me go.”
WE can not help you...
Hence fell silence. I wonder how I have not gone insane from this. Well some think me insane, yet I have only kept my sanity through my love. Which has become my only preoccupation, well besides my sovereignty.
I look though my eyes daily, only longing to touch her face, to convey a message that I’m not lost. How could I have let this happen, my dear one please save me? My frustration only weakens me. If only my past was discovered, my true past. I would plead for the psychiatrist to venture forth and discover a way to free me. My love is the smartest person I know and would not fail, if only the effort was exerted. She can feel what I need, I know she can but how long will it take her to except it, except what I am projecting to her, to help her save me.
****
All right then...it seems to me a bit strange that even in her manic periods, her eyes are devastatingly sad. Other “psychs” wouldn’t find this strange because how often do they notice real emotion. Yet, my observation is unmistakable. I have come to the conclusion she is trapped in herself. Thus I must free her. According to a trusted colleague, to release the unconscious, one must turn to one’s past and discover the exact moment and reason it was trapped, resolve this and it is then released.
Why didn’t I think of this before, I have wasted months. Well, time is of the essence. I must depart for Galdoria, the birthplace of my adored. How many instants have I squandered? As the literary critic Georges Poulet once presented:
For an instant! Shattering return to the misery of the human
condition and to the tragedy of the experience of time: in the
very instant man catches his prey, experience dupes him, and
he knows he is duped. His prey is a shadow. In the instant he
catches the instant, the instant passes, for it is instant.
Instants wasted, I must go immediately!
I dared to travel to this unknown city, that I had never heard of until I met Willow. Dared to go beyond my own reasoning to search out some answer that I was missing. Apparently some part of her past that I do not know. It was unclear to me as to whether I should take Willow, maybe in some indirect way she could guide me but I decided against it.
She once told me that she is from Galdoria, a city I never heard of in the middle of no where, as most stories go. She told me it was located somewhere in the center of the United States, so I must hope that someone knows of its existence.
I traveled to middle America, by plane. The airports these days are nearly impossible. I almost did not get on a plane. The people are rude, and somewhat on edge. Nevertheless I got aboard a plane and made it to the south central area of Kansas. I would say that this place is the closest to the center of America I can get.
When I stepped inside of the geographical office, I was surrounded by very interesting people, interesting in that I have never been to this part of the country and found them captivating. I went up to the desk and requested the location of Galdoria. Unexpectedly, the clerk looks at me as though I have just spoken a dead language, thus forgotten by the modern world.
“Are you insane? There is no such place that is called Galdoria.” the clerk told me very slowly, implying my lunacy.
“No, you see my wife was born there, and I need to find out things about her past that may help her in her current condition,” I said pleading for my own normality.
“Well, I just can’t help you, I’ve never heard of a Galdoria.” I turned to leave and on the way out a young boy stopped me and took my hand. He led me through some trees, which seemed to be dying from sunlight, extremely odd. Once he was certain that we were not followed and he had me alone, he turned to me and spoke,
“Are you looking to find Galdoria?”
“Yes, yes, do you know of it?” I eagerly replied, cheerful at my luck.
“I know yes, see I was born there a little over six years ago, my mom took me away from there, ‘cause my father was hurting her and dealt with evil sparks. But I remember the way I do, I do,” he was excited.
“How do you remember the way, when did you leave there?” I asked a bit confused because he was so young, it was hard to believe that he knew anything worth while.
“We left two years before now, but trust me I know the way I do, I do,” the boy jumped as he repeated the last words. I took a second to ponder over this little boy and decided I had no choice but to trust in him.
“Shall you show me the way then?” I bent down as I asked this to look into his eyes, and saw the spark that was present within my love when I met her. Thus, I trusted him completely from then on.
“I’ll show the way, come now, come. I must get back before my mom notices me not present,” he watched me stand back up and took my hand again leading me to who knows where.
****
I looked through my eyes, and it is obvious that the psychiatrist is gone. I am left alone with the obtuse nurse, she treats me like a child. She looks like a man, I’d be scared for my poor body if she was a man. Not that I am afraid of anyone, I just am not that comfortable with them, must be past experience.
Tara is so smart and loving, I don’t doubt any ability of my love to save me. I’d like to find my beloved in order to try to send some sort of signal. I sense a trip that may take a long time, so I don’t expect to see the psychiatrist anytime soon. Hopefully the trip is to discover my past. Not many people know of Galdoria though, so I worry, maybe there will be no return.
“Listen you, I want out of here now, don’t make me suffer on such a beautiful day. I’ve already missed yesterday, I’m going to get fat just sitting around like this.”
The Spark spoke,
WE can not help you...
“Is that all you have to say to me, can you at least talk to me?”
WE can talk yes, not about your freedom, but something other...
“I want to know why you have done this. What are you really?”
WE are the spark within you. WE generate your life force and give you the gift of distinctiveness. WE make you individual from every other person anywhere, even in Galdoria.
“Let me live my life then, please. I am trying to be nice here. Help me.”
WE can not help you...
More silence, I wish to die, I live only in hopes that I will be free again. To love who I want, to help people, and do good to the world. “Release me!” I cried so deeply, time became a sort of trap.
****
“Where are you leading me, little one?” I was lost totally. I tried to keep up, to memorize the path he was taking me but it was not so simple. There were several twists and turns, hills and flats. The boy only raised his eyebrows to my question, not even dignifying it with an answer.
He moved me faster and I noticed he sort of glide walked making him not at all as tired as I was becoming. He was really small for his age, and when he took me aside I thought him to be a little over four. This youth was very skinny, as if he barely eats, but he seemed very smart and likable. He has an excellent personality because of his confidence.
“We are here, we are, we are,” he jumped about very proud of himself. I looked around, it was as though in a split second, in an instant appeared an amazingly beautiful place.
“This is Galdoria?” the boy nodded at my question, and smiled widely. I could understand his enthusiasm, remarkably attractive place. A small, but large town, in the middle of no where. Full of unique inhabitants who are painted, or what seemed like paint, in vibrant colors. It was like an arid region but with plenty of water, mini oceans. The sands were a mix between that of a desert and that of a beach.
When I looked down at the young boy he was a red, orange and yellow color, striped. I stumbled back and cocked my head to the side, in hopes of getting a better look.
“Don’t be afraid, no no. Galdoria is a very special place, not many people who are not from here have seen it. But it’s the best place on earth it is, it is.” he explained to me not surprised by his appearance.
“Why are you those colors? Is it painted?” I asked turning from shocked to interest. He explained to me that he was known as one of the people of the sun, here in Galdoria, and the colors are representative of the sun. To my disbelief it was not paint, but actual skin pigmentation.
But another surprise came, more of these people of the sun started surrounding us. One of the larger ones, taller than me, he was incredibly large, emerged from them and talked in a language that was not clear to me. He was talking to the boy, and the youth understood him.
My head cocked yet again, as I realized I had been trapped, fooled by a six-year-old. But I did not focus on this negative part of my task to save my wife, my Willow. At least I was here in Galdoria, and maybe I would be released.
The people of the sun closed in on me, so close I thought that I would be squashed by them. They hoisted me up and before I knew it we were off, gliding through the beautiful desert. Where were they taking me? That was the only question stuck in my mind except for the more important question of wondering how Willow was.
[hr]
That's all for now, I will update tomorrow probably, not that anyone cares. But I just love this story because it includes one of my favorite elements of a story besides magic powers and that's mystery and adventure.
