Title: A Time Lost
Chapter 1: A girl in the white coat
Author: Tara’s Bright Eyes
Disclaimer: Willow, Tara and the whole Buffyverse belong to Joss and I am forced to say this.
Spoilers: I suppose most of Season 6 up until Seeing Red
Summary: The time lost during the Willow/Tara break up. Mostly Tara’s P.O.V.
Author’s Notes: Italics are song lyrics. The song for chapter 1 is Amy in the White Coat by Bright Eyes. This isn’t as good as I had wanted it to be but I needed a start to my story.
Warning: This fic contains Tara doing some things out of character and being very angsty so beware.
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You take your clothes off
Right after school

Tara just arrived at the cheap motel that she had been staying in since her and Willow’s break up. Her classes ended for the day and all she wanted to do was crawl into bed and slip into that familiar sadness that filled her days since she left her former lover. She didn’t even bother with pajamas these days.

The TV's on
The flame is blue
And you hope it won't take
All afternoon

All day all Tara wanted to do was to slip into that bed. Normally she would have loved going to her classes. Normally she would have gone home to Willow. Now all she did was hope that class would end soon so she could leave.

The TV's waiting
To talk to you

The only thing that seemed to register these days was the television and it’s millions of characters. They never faced having to walk away from someone you loved. In the end they were always happy.

It's your naked body
On white velour
But there's no feeling
Just weight on you

There was no feeling’s left for Tara except that weight. The weight of walking away from Willow. It was the hardest thing she had to do; at least that’s what it felt like.

But you get nauseous now
As he speaks to you
Such proper language
For acts so cruel

Tara had taken to thinking of her father, the things he had said long ago made her feel nauseous now whenever she revisited that past. But he was here in the present, a ghost in this room telling her how stupid she was for letting Willow do those things to her. Making her forget, changing her to how Willow saw fit.

Tara would think why couldn’t things be different for her and Willow? Why did Will have to become so fucking dependent on the magiks? Why couldn’t Will have followed the Wiccan rules and respected the gift that was given to her? But something her father said rang in her ears as she thought these things.

He says "we all follow the rules
We can't very well go and break them now can we?
For you, for you, for you..

The rules couldn’t be broken just for Willow. This had to be her punishment for breaking them. This was the only way she could get better. This was the only way Tara could have time to heal.

You look like your mother
In that thin disguise
Your parting mouth,
Your shining eyes.

As Tara had walked through town sometime ago, she caught her reflection in a shop window, that girl looking back at her reminded her of her mother. Wearing a thin disguise of happiness. No not happiness, a disguise of placidity. She looked like she was pretending to be okay. Tara began to open her mouth to say something to this fake girl, but dismissed it as an insane thing to do. It could have been a week ago that this happened; it could’ve been today, all this time had been such a blur. All the days bled into one another till she couldn’t tell what this morning was and what that night was.

And the way that you hate me
And the length of your hair
It's the reason I make you
It's the bond that we share

She began to think of herself as two people. The one who had been stupid and left the only lover she had ever known and the one who desperately wanted to be back with her. The Tara who wanted Willow hated the one who left. Whether it was because she had been strong enough to leave or because she didn’t stay to help was something Tara didn’t know. But these two Tara’s shared a bond, and that was Willow. Whether she liked it or not.

Cos you were all trying to endure it
You could easily go and make your own life somewhere
Couldn't you? Couldn't you? Couldn't you, couldn't you, couldn't you, couldn't you, couldn't you?"

Both sides of Tara still had to endure this feeling, this emptiness, this life. Tara could easily go away from Sunnydale. Transfer to another school, somewhere make a new life for herself. It would be easy wouldn’t it? She could do it couldn’t she?

With the sun beams bright
You keep your eyes shut
Your alarm clock lies
Get to school on time

Somewhere in Tara’s musings she had fallen asleep and now the sun beamed straight in her eyes. She hated this room. But soon she would have a new place on campus.

Tara kept her eyes shut tight trying to block out the light as the alarm clock blared in the background. She needed to get to class on time, but didn’t want to go at all. All she ever wanted to do was stay in bed.

But you're a bag of warm fluid
You're the coarse in the class
You walk so near to your locker
You lay so low in the grass

Tara didn’t want to move. She wanted to stay hidden buried inside that dank motel room.

Did you get that coat from the principal?
Did you get that bruise on the bus?
You should wash your hair more
You should look more like us.

Sometimes she thought of her life in high school. The way she was poor and her clothes looked like shit. The way she had to make excuses for bruises. Everyone wanted her to be more like the other kids. If she had back then maybe things would be different now. Maybe she wouldn’t have had to feel this pain now if she had changed back then.

But I saw you walking once
Under powder blue skies
You looked cold still
Your collar was high
And I tried to talk to you
But you walked right by
I don't know which I said then,
"Hello" or "Goodbye"

She kept having this dream. She was watching Willow walking, the sky was a powder blue and the day was beautiful, but Will still looked cold and she had been wrapped up in a white coat, the collar up high to try and keep the cold out. Tara had tried to walk up to her and talk, but her Willow just kept going. And as Willow kept walking Tara tried to speak, some words came out but she never knew exactly what she had said.

And yet we're all trying to be pure
But it isn't a very easy thing, now is it?
To do, To do, To do, To do, To do, To do
Isn't it, Isn't it, Isn't it, Isn't it, Isn't it, Isn't it, Isn't it, Isn't it?

Everyone was trying to be so pure. Tara was, Willow was trying to become pure and rid herself of those dark magiks. It wasn’t an easy thing to do, Tara knew this. It would take a long time for Willow to be alright. And by the time she was, would Tara still be around?

_________________
A thousand miles seems pretty far but they've got trains and planes and cars I'd walk to you if I had no other way - Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah"

After reading the title of chapter one and your screen name, I was planning on commenting and asking if you listen to Bright Eyes, and then I read the description, and laughed. Ha. No one else has used Bright Eyes, therefore, I will read your fic, and then edit this comment with a reply to the fic. : )

Title: A Time Lost
Chapter 2: A line allows progress, a circle does not
Author: Tara's Bright Eyes
Spoilers: I suppose most of Season 6 up until Seeing Red
Summary: The time lost during the Willow/Tara break up. Mostly Tara’s P.O.V.
Author’s Notes: Italics are song lyrics. The song for chapter 2 is A line allows progress a circle does not by Bright Eyes.
Warning: This fic contains Tara doing some things out of character and being very angsty so beware.
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sitting around, no work today
try pacing to keep awake

Tara had recently moved into a house near campus with several other students. Today was Friday and she had nothing to do. Not too long ago she would have stayed in bed and slept, but after leaving that hole in the wall motel she tried her best to stay awake, even if it meant just walking in circles for hours on end.

laying around, no school today
just drink until the clock has circled all the way

Tara had nothing to do, no homework and no classes today. She settled on pouring herself a glass of wine and lying on the living room couch. One glass of wine had quickly turned into several.

it is late afternoon
as you walk through the rooms
of a house that is quiet
except for unanswered telephones

It was 4 in the afternoon and no one else was in the house, they all had classes today. She walked through all the rooms in the house trying to find anything to fill this void of nothingness that seemed to consume her free time. The house was deafeningly quiet as she roamed, in the background she could hear the telephone. She didn’t know who could be calling; none of the scoobies had the new number yet. The ringing soon stopped. It didn’t matter.

you stand near the sink
while you're mixing a drink
you think you don't want to pass out
where your roommates will find you again

Her roaming had brought her into the kitchen once again and she found herself mixing another drink. She had lost count of how many that was today. As she fixed this new drink she idly thought that she didn’t want to embarrass herself again by passing out some random place where all her roommates would find her.

The first time was only a few days after she first moved in. It was a day similar to this except that on that day she seemed to be swimming in her depression which led her to one of the drinking binges that would become habit. The next day they had found her passed out in the hallway near her bedroom.

stumble around the neighborhood with nothing to do
you're always looking for something
to sniff, smoke, or swallow

It was still light out so Tara decided to go for a walk. It was something healthy to do, at least that way she couldn’t drink herself into oblivion. The darker half of her wondered if that would really be so terrible.

calling over next door to see what they got
but you would settle for anything
that would make your brain slow down or stop

After circling the block she found herself in front of the house next door. Some guys from UC Sunnydale lived there. She knew they were into partying, and often did whatever drugs they could get their hands on. She wondered if they might be willing to share. One of the guys answered the door and invited her in, the guy who answered was just a kid really, he looked no older than Dawn. When she asked if they had anything for her he said if she met him at the Bronze he would have some stuff by then. She eagerly complied.

break this circle of thoughts you chase
before they catch back up with you

All Tara really wanted to do was break that cycle of thoughts. The ones that no matter what she did or how hard she tried led her right back to one thing. Willow. She missed her so fucking much, all she wanted was to crawl into those arms and be held. No, she didn’t trust her now, but she still loved her. Deep down she did. Maybe that could have been enough if she ever went back, but things needed to be done first. Like Willow giving up magic and Tara figuring out how to trust her again. The other side of Tara was screaming at her. Saying that plan can go to hell.

and your friends noticed your thinning face,
all the weight you lost
all the weight you are losing

She had run into Anya the other day. All Anya really did was talk about the upcoming wedding. ‘More like impending doom’ her darker half had said and it had sounded like a whisper in her ear.

Her and Anya’s conversation soon turned onto the subject of how Tara was feeling. Anya commented on how she looked like she lost weight and said something about her being sexy as a full figured girl and she shouldn’t be losing weight. All Tara could say to this was “don’t tell Willow.” Everything would be fine if Willow didn’t know.

you said, "I’m done feeling like a skeleton
no more sleep walking dead"
you're going to wake from this coma
you're going to crawl from this bed you have made
and stop counting on that camera
that hangs round your neck
because it won't ever remember
what you choose to forget

When she got home that evening she had stood looking into the mirror in her new bedroom and promised herself that she was done with this. She was gonna wake up from this coma, she was gonna crawl out of this bed and start living her life once again.

as you try to find some source of light
try to name one thing you like
you used to have such a longer list
like you never had to look for it

All she needed to pull herself out of that bed and back into the land of the living was one point of light. Something positive to focus on. She tried to make a list of things she liked, things she could do to keep herself happy or at least preoccupied. Magic used to be something she liked, but without Willow it didn’t seem as wonderful, didn’t have that same zing. It just brought along memories of a betrayal that cut deeper than she cared to show. Before that betrayal, before the fall out she used to have such a long list of things she liked. She never had to look for light in her life. Willow was her light. But Willow was gone and more than likely she would never return. Not in this lifetime.

but now it's so easy to second guess everything you do
until all you want is to finish this half empty glass
before the ice all melts away

These days it was so easy just to second guess any positive thoughts she might have. That darker side always throwing in a remark that would cause her to falter and eventually stumble and fall back into that sadness that seemed so abundant inside her. This voice inside just kept going until all she wanted to do was drink and refill the glass till it was drowned out or at least dulled to a whisper of nothing.

and this feeling always used to pass
but seems like it's every day and it’s seems like every night now

She used to feel sad before. Even when she was still with her Willow she would sometimes get it, but it always quickly passed. Sometimes the nothingness she felt would pass quickly. But it seems like it’s everyday and every night now.

_________________
A thousand miles seems pretty far but they've got trains and planes and cars I'd walk to you if I had no other way - Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah"

I think it's a great start. I can't wait to see where you take this story. I look forward to more.



Christina

okay this is scary.I dont like where she`s headed.This is going to be a fic full of tara`s pain and anything to not feel it right? Which means god and the author only knows the things she will be willing to do to stop the pain.
Oh no....

Hey there - Just wanted to say I hope you continue this. While I am a little skeptical of Tara seeking out a stranger to get a hit of this or that, I was pleased to see a story that deals with that horrible in between time when you can't conceive of where your life will go, or whether you want it to at all.
I can see Tara using, but perhaps not in response to breaking up with Willow over what was a sort of substance abuse? And something that had already clouded her mind?
I dunno - please write more and convince me. I'm definitely convinceable.

I quite liked Tara's comment to Anya, "don't tell Willow", it rang very true.

And continuing the positive list:

Way to go bringing in Tara's dad to her thoughts. I for one would encourage to you to explore that a bit more ... mainly 'cause I'm trying to as well and am interested in other folks take on it. It is easy to portray him as a simple evil, but he defined a big part of her lift for 20 years - and for better or worse the way he was and what he said would still be rattling around in her head.

OK, that's a little presumptuous of me....sorry. Please, write whatever is rattling around in your head and I will be happy. Hit me with another dose of depression ... I'm ready.

- Boschi

AN: I had to edit this to make it suitable for this board. Hopefully it makes some sort of sense to someone.

Now onto the update and sorry for not updating in forever.

Title: A Time Lost
Chapter 3: Lover I Don’t Have to Love
Author: Tara's Bright Eyes
Spoilers: I suppose most of Season 6 up until Seeing Red
Summary: Tara goes to the Bronze to Party
Author’s Notes: Italics are song lyrics. The song is Lover I Don’t Have to Love by Bright Eyes.
Warning: This fic contains Tara doing some things out of character and being very angsty so beware.

Tara had gone to the bronze late that same Friday night. She had to find that kid there, the one from next door. At around 11:00 he still wasn’t there so Tara just stayed sitting at the bar. She started thinking of loneliness. Her life was so full of loneliness. And then she got an idea straight from that darker side that seemed to resurface so often. Looking around the nightclub she saw someone who she believed could help her in her new plan.

I picked you out
Of a crowd to talk to you
Said I liked your shoes
You said thanks can I follow you?

Tara walked up to a gorgeous woman who looked to be her age, or something close to it anyway. As soon as she got within a yard of her she began to feel nervous and when she was right next to her the only words that would come out were how much she liked her shoes. Tara figured the girl had been looking for the same thing Tara had wanted because she simply responded with a forced thanks and a more sincere request to follow Tara. The woman seemed to be like a lost sad puppy, just looking for someone to love and take care of her. Tara didn’t want to do all that, that kind of thing was reserved for one person, one who she thought wasn’t coming back.

So it's up the stairs
And out of view
No prying eyes
I poured some wine
I asked your name you asked the time

Tara took the woman up to the balcony at the Bronze. It was unusually quiet up there, but it was out of sight from everyone else who appeared to be on the dance floor or at the bar. They found some seats and Tara poured herself and the woman some of the wine she had gotten from the bar before heading up the stairs. Tara had found it odd how when she had asked the woman’s name the only response was to ask the time. That was fine with Tara though names weren’t important. Trying to fill that lonely void was.

Now it's two o'clock,
the club is closed we're up the block
Your hands on me
Pressing hard against your jeans
Your tongue in my mouth
Trying to keep the words from coming out
You didn't care to know
Who else may have been you before

Tara had remained with the girl till the club closed. They had talked, drank and danced and at some point in the night the girl had pounced on her, kissing, grabbing, touching. Tara felt wonderful, excited and guilty, but she tried to push that particular feeling down deep, to be worried about much much later. By the time they had left they had been getting really heavy with there petting and kissing. The girl seemed to be familiar with this hunting game and Tara just didn’t care, all she wanted was a fuck to take her mind off things.

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said he'd meet us here but I'm not sure
I got the money if you got the time
You said it feels good I said I'll give it a try

Yeah that was right. All good, little, innocent Tara wanted to do was to fuck and get fucked by some stranger. She wanted a lover that she did NOT have to feel anything but lust for. It would prove that she didn’t have to wait around for a girl who might never find her way back to her. In hindsight Tara had wished that she had found the kid with his promises of chemicals cause she still had a 50 in her pocket and wanted something a little heavier than alcohol o go with her night of debauchery. That is she wished until the woman she was now going home with had offered her some pills to take. She said it felt good and Tara decided to give it a try. In her mind she had nothing left to lose, she had already lost everything she had grown to love. She had lost Willow and in turn lost the only family she had known since her mother’s death.

Then my mind went dark
We both forgot where your car was parked
Let's just take the train
I'll meet up with the band in the morning

Tara’s mind quickly began to get fuzzy, and her vision blurred around the edges. The girl had been trying to remember where she had parked her car but was having little success. Tara suggested taking a cab and the girl complied, mumbling something or other about meeting up with her band in the morning.

Bad actors with bad habits
Some sad singers
They just play tragic
Now the phone's ringing
And the band's leaving
Let's just keep touching
Let's just keep keep singing

As they were on there way to the girls apartment Tara’s thoughts began to resurface. She thought of how so many people were just these bad actors faking there way through life and how some people just wanted to play tragic. Which was Tara an actor or just making too much of this pain she felt, blowing it out of proportion. In the background noise of the car she heard a cell phone ringing and the girl answered it, apparently her friends had been looking for her, but now they were leaving. Or something to that affect, Tara really didn’t care, as she was once again falling into that dark state of mind. She immediately turned her head away, choosing to look out the window as the girl finished her phone call. The girl placed her hand on Tara’s thigh, rubbing and caressing the skin. She should have felt turned on. All she felt was sick. She wanted to push the girl away, but the cab stopped in front of an apartment complex and she pulled away on her own. She leaned in for a kiss before getting out the cab and as their lips met, Tara’s stomach clenched and the sickness she felt tripled. She stumbled out of the bright yellow Taxi, retching and spilling the contents of her stomach on the street. She registered the feeling of the girls hand on her shoulder as the retching passed, although the feeling of emptiness and illness remained.

“Are you okay?” the woman asked in a voice that almost seemed to be caring.

“No” Tara mumbled pulling her arm away, and wiping her mouth of any gunk that may remain.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, head cocked to the side in curiosity.

“You’re not her” Was the only viable response Tara could give before turning and running a block away from the stranger that might have become her lover had things been different. She hailed a taxi and safely rode the rest of the way home.

Entering her room she threw her jacket on the floor and began to search through a box she had left unpacked, and pulled out an old tattered journal that she hadn’t written in for years, two actually, since she started dating Willow.

Opening to a blank page, she began to write despite the painful clenching of her heart and the salty tears that fell and stained the pages that were rapidly filling with words. Words of how everything about this night devalued everything she had shared with Willow.

Tara had found that any form of meaning in her life was too quickly lost and therefore needed to be recorded otherwise it would slip her mind and she would fall into another pit of despair, much like the one she had found herself in recently.

When she was done writing her minds eye saw the girl looking at what she had found worthy to commit to paper. She looked at the paper as she lay on her cold lonely bed. After she finished reading she spoke. She said that Tara wrote very well, but life was no story book and the topic, of love that was so clearly evident in the little poems that had come from Tara was just an excuse. It was all just an excuse to get hurt. Tara had replied, whispering to herself “and to hurt.” The girl asked her if she liked to hurt. This made Tara pissed. How could she asked something like that. Didn’t she know how much she loved Willow, it was like she had just demeaned what Tara had had with Willow. Because of this she answered that she did and in her mind she accepted all that hurt that could come with love. That lighter better part of her self screaming out “Then hurt me” but only in her mind. The rest of her was busy falling into a fitful sleep full of dreams of pale skin and red hair and that beautiful girl who had been found two years ago only to be lost in clouds of magic.

Title: A Time Lost
We Are Nowhere and It’s Now
Author: Tara’s Bright Eyes
Spoilers: I suppose most of Season 6 up until Seeing Red. This one is right after Buffy’s B-day party.
Summary: Tara’s life at a local bar
Author’s Notes: Italics are song lyrics. The song is We Are Nowhere and it’s Now by Bright Eyes
Warning: This fic contains Tara doing some things out of character and being very angsty so beware.

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If you hate the taste of wine
Why do you drink it until you’re blind?
And if you swear that there’s no truth and who cares
How come you say it like you’re right?
Why are you scared to dream of god
When it’s salvation that you want?
You see stars that clear have been dead for years
But the idea just lives on

Tara had discovered she really hated the taste of the wine she had been drinking for what seemed forever now. The little dark voice inside her began to ask why she continued to drink it if she hated it so. The voice that always contradicted her asked her if she swears that there’s no truth and who cares how come you say it like you’re right? She had begun to believe that there was no truth in her life or in the world, but she also began to believe that that kind of thing was really inconsequential. Tara also found it hard to dream of her goddess or any god for that matter, even though salvation was one of things she was craving.

We are wheels that roll around
As we move over the ground
And all day it seems we’ve been in between the past and future town

Tara felt stuck. Stuck in between her past and future. The past that contained her and Willow and an uncertain and scary future.

We are nowhere, and it’s now
We are nowhere, and it’s now
You took a ten-minute dream in the passengers seat
While the world it was flying by
I haven’t been gone very long
But it feels like a lifetime

She hadn’t been away from Willow very long, a few months maybe, but that was enough for it to feel like a lifetime. After seeing Willow at the party and being trapped with her for a couple days, her craving for the redhead was rekindled and now her ache to be with her love was so much worse, making all that time seem like it had been so much longer than it was.

I’ve been sleeping so strange at night
Side effects they don’t advertise
I’ve been sleeping so strange
With a head full of pesticide

Tara’s sleep patterns had become very odd. She was suffering from a mixture of too much alcohol on a regular basis and a broken, lost and lonely heart. No one had ever advertised these side affects of life to her.

I got no plans and too much time
I feel too restless to unwind
I’m always lost in thought
As I walk a block to my favorite neon sign
Where the waitress looks concerned
But she never says a word
Just turns the jukebox on
And we hum along
And I smile back at her

She felt that she had too much time and no certain plans to fill that time with. The general plot so far had been go to class, do work, get drunk, and repeat as necessary. She was so lost in thought ever since she and Willow had went there separate ways.

Tara had stopped going to the Bronze and now frequented a bar not too far from the house she lived in. The waitress there was nice, and at first Tara had believed her to be interested in her, but she was just a good person who seemed be concerned with Tara’s state of general malaise. The waitress never said a word, just turned the jukebox on for Tara to have something to hum along to while she drank. That always made Tara smile.

And my friend comes after work
When the features start to blur
She says these bars are filled with things that kill
And you probably should have learned

Anya came to this bar, after she closed down the magic box late at night, when the Scoobies didn’t need her anymore. At first this surprised Tara, she figured Anya would want to be having sex with Xander, but when she had brought this up Anya said “Orgasms can wait, you’re my friend and I’m worried about you.” After that she had gone into a tirade about how the bar was filled with things that kill and that she should know better. Tara wondered if she meant demons or the liquor.

She took a small silver wreathe and pinned it onto me
She said this one will bring you love
I don’t know if it’s true but I keep it for good luck

One day the waitress had given Tara a gift. She had been talking to her about unimportant things and she had pinned a small silver wreathe to Tara’s jacket. She had said, “This one will bring you love” Tara didn’t know if that was true, she had already found love in the form of a beautiful, caring, intelligent, redheaded goddess, and had lost it as well, but she kept the gift for good luck and hoped it did bring her some luck.

this is awesome! but depressing please update soon!
Erin

_________________
"No candles?...Well I brought one..it's ExtraFlamey" Willow, New Moon Rising

This story is great. I always like to see someone write Tara's character with a dark side. She's been through so much pain in her life, it never seemed realistic that she didn't sometimes get self-destructive because of it all. Great lyrics, Bright Eyes is perfect for this story. Hope to see more soon

Thanks for all the feedback guys, i'll try to update sonner now that i have a bunch of free time and very little in the way of an actual life. Plus I'm working on other fics that I'll probably post soon, actual fics not song fics.

so new update time...

What I Want

Spoilers: I suppose most of Season 6 up until Seeing Red. This chapter is right before hells bells.
Summary: Tara’s found an old picture of herself and Willow
Author’s Notes: Italics are song lyrics. The song is What I Want by Autopilot Off
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything but my own psychotic brain
Warning: This fic contains Tara doing some things out of character and being very angsty so beware.


====================================================
I never thought I'd come back around
I never thought I'd see you again

When Tara had left Willow that night so long ago she never believed she would ever come back into the Scooby circle. It was something she dreaded, but something believed to be truth. What hurt the most was that she might never see Willow again.

And it took one night when I packed my life
And one to take it out again

It had only taken one night to pack up her life into indifferent cardboard boxes, and another night to unpack, except now her things meant nothing, just items. The life she once possessed seemed not to exist anymore. The love, the happiness, the friendship and family gone in a matter of hours.

I took a look at a photograph
Where we didn't even notice the lens
Something came to life from that 3x5
It was you and me and innocence

Tara had been sifting through the box she hadn’t bothered to unpack when she came across a photo of her and her beloved Willow. Staring at the photo she didn’t remember when it had been taken. Neither her nor Willow had been paying attention to the camera when it had been taken, they were way too wrapped up in each other, staring into each other’s eyes. Tara with her trademark half smile, Willow with a lusty smirk.

This is what I want
This is what I need
This is exactly what I've been waiting for
This is what I want
This is what I need
This is exactly what I've been waiting for

Being in Willow’s company even as friends, although somewhat awkward, was exactly what Tara had wanted, needed, been waiting for since she first left. Being with Willow at Buffy’s party, actually talking to her once in a while was just amazing. She never realized how great such simple things were until she had been separated from her love for what seemed so long.

I set it up in a picture frame
Then I put a nail into the wall
Time has put lines here on my face
But it doesn't matter now at all

After contemplating that one photo for so long she had found a frame for it and hung it on her bedroom wall. In her eyes, she looked so different from that long ago time. She was older, not just physically but mentally. But despite all that time that passed since that day, it didn’t matter. She was still the same on a basic level. Her and Willow still had the same souls and hearts. Maybe they still had the same love for one another.

It was me and you when we were together
It was me and you when we were apart
It was me and you in my mind and
It was me and you in my heart

Despite everything that had happened to them, despite everything that had happened around them, it was always Willow and Tara, Tara and Willow. It was always them even when they were on completely different parts of town it was them against the world. Tara knew this, in her mind and heart, she knew how much she was loved and that she belonged to Willow as Willow belonged to her.

This is what I want
This is what I need
This is exactly what I've been waiting for

Tara knew that this is what she needed most in her life right now, a second chance to fix all those things that had been wrong with her relationship with Willow long before the break up. She had been waiting to give Willow this chance and she had been waiting for the time when she could be with Willow again, even as just friends.

It took so long to find it and some they never will
A color print it took time and it held it still

It had taken Tara her whole life to find the kind of love she had with Willow, for this she knew she was very lucky, because some in this world would never find that kind of love let alone have lost it. This color print Tara had found of her and Willow encapsulated that love and held it still for them. It was proof that love existed and could be regained, if only they tried.

This is what I want
This is what I need
This is exactly what I've been waiting for
This is what I want
(It took so long to find it)
This is what I need
(And some they never will)
This is exactly what I've been waiting for

Tara sat on the edge of her bed admiring the picture, and all that she felt. Xander and Anya’s wedding was that weekend. She would see Willow there and who knew what could happen when they were placed in such close proximity all day long.

no feedback this time

this ones a double post, but it'll make sense once you read both.

Summary: What Tara went through during Entropy
Author’s Notes: Italics are song lyrics. The song is A Perfect Sonnet by Bright Eyes
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything but my own psychotic brain
Warning: This fic contains Tara doing some things out of character and being very angsty so beware.

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Lately I’ve been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing matters
All would be clear then

There was so much that Tara wanted, desired in her life. Sometimes she wished she had only one desire, one thing in her life that would make nothing else matter. For the longest time she thought that Willow was that desire that made everything in her life come into focus, but when that relationship ended she had come up with such long lists of desires.

But I guess I’ll have to settle for a for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
Or one foolish line

Tara was forced to settle for a few brief moments with Willow. During the wedding that’s what she had gotten. But those few moments were glorious ones that she never wanted to forget for as long as she was on this earth. Now Tara sat in her bedroom at her desk writing, a habit that she had returned to, to express all her emotions. She was trying to all that she felt for Willow into a poem, a sonnet, a story, something that was tangible.

Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
You are here then you're gone

Tara believed that all that she would get now was those feelings so she had to make them tangible, she had to write them down. After having left Willow it was definitely a possibility that Willow wouldn’t let her back into her life. They may have gotten along wonderfully at the wedding, but they weren’t back together yet.

But I believe that lovers should be tied together
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
Left there to drown
Left there to drown In their innocence

Tara had come across this new way of thinking about love. She now felt that she never should have left Willow, or at least stayed away this long. She should have been there through the storm that was Willows addiction. Should have been tied to her and been there to drown in that storm, and left there to drown in the innocence that they still had left after all they had been through.

But as for me I’m coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there’s still no answer
The only words before I know must soon come after
That is the only way it can be

She had reviewed everything that had happened, been happening between her and Willow and was trying to come up with a solution to make everyone happy. She was planning something. Something had to be done. She just wasn’t sure what yet.

So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
I’m Trying to spare me the weight of the truth

Deciding to go fro a walk to clear her head, Tara headed out. She was to meet Willow at the Espresso Pump today. Was it a date or a friend thing? She didn’t know and she couldn’t ask. That seemed out of the question. Taking a deep breath she headed towards the café and her future even though she wasn’t due to be there for hours. She was trying to spare herself that weight of truth. The truth she believed was that her and Willow were over. It was too much to hope that her and Willow could start over or pick up where they left off. Hoping had never gotten her anywhere and she was certain it wouldn’t now.

Singing everything you’ve ever seen was just a mirror
You've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And now you’re laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost

Maybe Tara’s whole life had just been herself staring in a mirror, none of this was real. Maybe there was a different life awaiting her return. Tara felt like she had spent her whole life in this fever, imagining everything and now she was alone, naked in a bathtub filled with ice cold water trying to bring herself back to some semblance of reality. She wished she was a ghost, something transient that could watch over her friends, her family, everyone she loved before moving on to something more, someplace where she could be with her lover and be at peace.

But once you knew a girl and you named her lover
Danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
Autumn came, she disappeared
You can’t remember where she said she was going to

Once upon a time she had met her beautiful redhead and named her lover. They had spent the past summer playing house, but once autumn came around and Buffy was resurrected it seemed that that lover had disappeared and Tara couldn’t remember where she said she was going. Had she said anything at all before she disappeared and was replaced by that magic obsessed girl who was a stranger to her. Tara desperately wanted to find that once again, but she was only resurfacing now, after so many months gone.

But you know that she’s gone because she left you a song
That you don't want to sing
Singing I believe that lovers should be chained together
Thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
Left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance

The one thing Tara had been sure of was that that particular lover was gone, but she left this jumble of feelings and words that Tara did not want to bring to life by acknowledging them. And once again she had been brought to her new belief that true lovers should be chained together and left there to suffer through their arrogance together forever. Because nothing was as bad when they were together.

But as for me I’m coming to my final failure
I’ve killed myself with changes trying to make it better
Ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be, Alright

After the coffee date Tara went back home and sat staring at that photo she had found the previous week. She so wanted this to be her final failure, her final failure of Willow, she never wanted to fail her the way she had by leaving, the way she had by doing the things she had after leaving. Tara had been killing herself with changes in her life trying to make herself feel better and ended up becoming something she had never in her life wanted to be. Something she had never planned on becoming. A depressed self pitying alcoholic who was trying to numb all the pain that had piled up on her throughout her life.

I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
Left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness

Tara had made her decision.

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A thousand miles seems pretty far but they've got trains and planes and cars I'd walk to you if I had no other way - Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah"

Summary: What Willow went through during Entropy, it’s kinda AU, I’m altering their relationship at this point.
Author’s Notes: Italics are song lyrics. The song is It’s cool we can still be friends by Bright Eyes
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything but my own psychotic brain
Warning: This fic contains Tara doing some things out of character and being very angsty so beware.

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Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek
Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek
Yeah, you still kiss me sometimes, but it's just on the cheek
You pull away so easily

Post coffee date, meeting, friend thing with Tara. She was so beautiful that all I wanted to do was reach out and hold her. She kissed afterwards when we had to part ways, her left from the entrance, me turning right. She kissed me on the cheek…and I’ve never felt this exhilarated by a simple peck on the cheek, well that’s not true. There was the first time when it changed our friendship to something with so much potential. It felt like that all over again. But I can’t help but feel so much loss. Only on the cheek, she pulled away so easily from it, hardly lingering like I had wished she would. Maybe there isn’t as much hope in the gesture as I had thought.

And I still call you, but I get your machine
And I still call you, but I get your machine
And if I'm lucky I guess, I get your roommate answering
But you're at the bar, or at Gene's

Oh God, and that first night I had called her. I was so nervous, and for no reason, she wasn’t even home. The machine picked up with a voice announcing the list of people who lived there, please leave a message. I couldn’t leave a message. What would I say? What could I say? At least if she had answered I could have heard her voice with its gentle lilt and delicate inflections, even if she had told me not to call. Calling back was even worse, her roommate answered. Said she was at the bar, which was shocking. Tara never hung out at bars before. Then again she wasn’t 21 until recently; oh Goddess is she moving on? Looking for someone else, someone to treat her better, to do all the things I didn’t. The time after that I was told she was out with Gene? Maybe she was moving on? Her roommate was helpful, telling me Gene was only the kid next door, barely 18, but cool none the less. I was a little relieved, but not much.

And we go to dinner, but you won't hold my hand
We sit at the same table, but we don't play with our feet
Yeah, we still go to dinner sometimes, but we don't sneak a kiss
When the waitress turns around
Okay well not dinner, coffee. Coffee’s good. The whole meeting had this sad tinge to it. I got to make Tara laugh with all the Scooby adventures she had missed out on. It was nice to see her smile like that again, but something seemed off about her.

The whole thing was odd anyway, there was no hand holding like all our previous time spent together when we still were together. There was no playing footsie, no gentle caresses, no stolen smoochies when no one was looking. I couldn’t help but yearn for those little things that we had lost because of this stupid addiction.

And we still watch movies, but we don't share the couch
And we still rent movies, but we don't share the couch
Yeah, we still watch movies sometimes, but you don't lay in my lap
The plot is slow, take a nap

We had watched movies when we were trapped in the house. The entire party was full of group activities, including some good old fashion movie marathons. She didn’t monopolize the couch with me like we used to, instead opting for the armchair. It sent a sharp pain in my heart. I don’t think we’ll ever get that closeness back. She used to lay in my lap during those Scooby movie nights, when the movie was bad or dull, she’d lean against me and hold my hand stroking the skin of my knuckles until her breathing would even out and she’d be asleep in my arms.

And you even stay over, but now we stay in our clothes
Yeah, you'll even sleep over, but now we stay in our clothes
Yeah, you even sleep over sometimes, but we stay in our clothes
I'm only there so that you're not alone

She had slept briefly during Buffy’s party entrapment fiasco. She lay peacefully in the armchair looking like the angel that I know she is. I couldn’t help but be reminded of our separation and how if circumstances were different, if we were still together she’d be in our bed right now in her t-shirt and boxers cuddled up against me for added warmth and protection from the monsters of Sunnydale.

I had remained on the couch. Simply watching over her as she slept. Anya had stayed briefly after she had fallen asleep. She seemed worried about her, like she wanted to say something but couldn’t. Wouldn’t. It seemed weird for Anya, but she and Tara had been close friends, maybe she knew more than she was letting on.

And you say that I hurt you, in a voice like a prayer
Yeah, you say that I've hurt you, and your voice is like a prayer
Yeah, well maybe I hurt you sometimes, but let's contrast and compare
Lift up your shirt, the wound isn't there

Anya did say one thing before leaving us alone. “You really hurt her Willow.” She just turned and left after that. Like she hadn’t said anything at all. She only stated the obvious, like Anya does as a basic part of her life. I know that I hurt her. I spent so much time dwelling on how I had hurt her, I was growing tired of being reminded. The simple truth was that there was no great big gaping wound on Tara. I hadn’t made a mark.

The anger didn’t last. It couldn’t, I had hurt Tara emotionally and psychologically and I didn’t know if she would ever forgive me for it. Today had seemed like a good start for the healing process.

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A thousand miles seems pretty far but they've got trains and planes and cars I'd walk to you if I had no other way - Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah"

Hi! I am really sorry, I thought I had already replied to this story.
I love Bright Eyes and thats why I started reading this. I think it's pretty cool how you combined the songs with the emotions, to make us see more of what Tara went through. BTVS really showed only Willow's POV.
Cant wait for the next part!

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"I don't get your crazy system!"
"System? It's called the alphabet!"

I just read all these, and I gotta say.. wicked effin good dude!

Even though it's all depressing stuff... it's still a really good, real point of view.. I think I would act the same damn way you know?

The lyrics seem to sum everything up so well too. Very fitting.

Anyways, I just wanted to say keep up the good work and I can't wait to read more

Ashleigh

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Here I stand, with everything to lose, All I know is I don't wanna ever see the end. Baby please I'm reachin out for you, won't you open up your heart and let me come back in. Lets be us again..

yay! feedback. I feel so much happier now considering i had to finish a 10 page paper for school on valentine's day, plus my computer's acting funky lately.

Anyway's thanx 4 feedback and i'll update again asap.

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A thousand miles seems pretty far but they've got trains and planes and cars I'd walk to you if I had no other way - Plain White T's "Hey There Delilah"

yeah, an update coming soon. i love this story and can't wait until they get back together. keep up the good work.


love_2003

Cool. I just discovered this one. You pick the perfect songs to go with the story. And then the story is very well written. Huge fan! Can't wait until the next update.

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Willow: "Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off."