no feedback this time
this ones a double post, but it'll make sense once you read both.
Summary: What Tara went through during Entropy
Author’s Notes: Italics are song lyrics. The song is A Perfect Sonnet by Bright Eyes
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything but my own psychotic brain
Warning: This fic contains Tara doing some things out of character and being very angsty so beware.
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Lately I’ve been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing matters
All would be clear then
There was so much that Tara wanted, desired in her life. Sometimes she wished she had only one desire, one thing in her life that would make nothing else matter. For the longest time she thought that Willow was that desire that made everything in her life come into focus, but when that relationship ended she had come up with such long lists of desires.
But I guess I’ll have to settle for a for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
Or one foolish line
Tara was forced to settle for a few brief moments with Willow. During the wedding that’s what she had gotten. But those few moments were glorious ones that she never wanted to forget for as long as she was on this earth. Now Tara sat in her bedroom at her desk writing, a habit that she had returned to, to express all her emotions. She was trying to all that she felt for Willow into a poem, a sonnet, a story, something that was tangible.
Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
You are here then you're gone
Tara believed that all that she would get now was those feelings so she had to make them tangible, she had to write them down. After having left Willow it was definitely a possibility that Willow wouldn’t let her back into her life. They may have gotten along wonderfully at the wedding, but they weren’t back together yet.
But I believe that lovers should be tied together
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
Left there to drown
Left there to drown In their innocence
Tara had come across this new way of thinking about love. She now felt that she never should have left Willow, or at least stayed away this long. She should have been there through the storm that was Willows addiction. Should have been tied to her and been there to drown in that storm, and left there to drown in the innocence that they still had left after all they had been through.
But as for me I’m coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there’s still no answer
The only words before I know must soon come after
That is the only way it can be
She had reviewed everything that had happened, been happening between her and Willow and was trying to come up with a solution to make everyone happy. She was planning something. Something had to be done. She just wasn’t sure what yet.
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
I’m Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Deciding to go fro a walk to clear her head, Tara headed out. She was to meet Willow at the Espresso Pump today. Was it a date or a friend thing? She didn’t know and she couldn’t ask. That seemed out of the question. Taking a deep breath she headed towards the café and her future even though she wasn’t due to be there for hours. She was trying to spare herself that weight of truth. The truth she believed was that her and Willow were over. It was too much to hope that her and Willow could start over or pick up where they left off. Hoping had never gotten her anywhere and she was certain it wouldn’t now.
Singing everything you’ve ever seen was just a mirror
You've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And now you’re laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost
Maybe Tara’s whole life had just been herself staring in a mirror, none of this was real. Maybe there was a different life awaiting her return. Tara felt like she had spent her whole life in this fever, imagining everything and now she was alone, naked in a bathtub filled with ice cold water trying to bring herself back to some semblance of reality. She wished she was a ghost, something transient that could watch over her friends, her family, everyone she loved before moving on to something more, someplace where she could be with her lover and be at peace.
But once you knew a girl and you named her lover
Danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
Autumn came, she disappeared
You can’t remember where she said she was going to
Once upon a time she had met her beautiful redhead and named her lover. They had spent the past summer playing house, but once autumn came around and Buffy was resurrected it seemed that that lover had disappeared and Tara couldn’t remember where she said she was going. Had she said anything at all before she disappeared and was replaced by that magic obsessed girl who was a stranger to her. Tara desperately wanted to find that once again, but she was only resurfacing now, after so many months gone.
But you know that she’s gone because she left you a song
That you don't want to sing
Singing I believe that lovers should be chained together
Thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
Left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
The one thing Tara had been sure of was that that particular lover was gone, but she left this jumble of feelings and words that Tara did not want to bring to life by acknowledging them. And once again she had been brought to her new belief that true lovers should be chained together and left there to suffer through their arrogance together forever. Because nothing was as bad when they were together.
But as for me I’m coming to my final failure
I’ve killed myself with changes trying to make it better
Ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be, Alright
After the coffee date Tara went back home and sat staring at that photo she had found the previous week. She so wanted this to be her final failure, her final failure of Willow, she never wanted to fail her the way she had by leaving, the way she had by doing the things she had after leaving. Tara had been killing herself with changes in her life trying to make herself feel better and ended up becoming something she had never in her life wanted to be. Something she had never planned on becoming. A depressed self pitying alcoholic who was trying to numb all the pain that had piled up on her throughout her life.
I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
Left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness
Tara had made her decision.