FIC: Lost Pages AU

[jixer]

Title: Lost Pages

Author: Jixer

E-mail: jixer@attbi.com

Feedback: Please. Bouquets and brickbats welcome.

Distribution: Any free fanfiction site

Spoilers: Up through the end of Season 6

Rating: Hard PG-13 to R.

Pairing: W/T

Disclaimer: All characters of BtVS are owned by Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon. All I own are tattered books, the love of a good woman, and a few pots of tomato plants. And the other character in a cameo role belongs to Terry Pratchett.

Summary: The Prologue is in the Buffyverse. Then it's AU.

Note: I will keep the updates coming as I can.

WARNINGS: Moderate Kitten Angst Advisory. This is after Season 6.







Lost Pages



A Prologue





Buffy remembered the dream. She had been in an old library, vast and full of books that she knew were possibilities. She was reading the book of her life but it started to make less and less sense. The wonderful leather bound books with titles like "The Wandering Slayer, A Retrospective of E.A. Summers And Her Work" she'd seen were fading away.



She looked for the one she'd seen in other dreams, "Dawn Summers, Change, and Growing Past the Slayer". It too was fading, the picture she liked, the one with Dawn, now a striking young woman speaking as Willow and Tara listened attentively broke from the book and fell to the floor. She wanted to reach down and pick it up.



"Don't!" a voice had commanded. "You don't need that."



The books around her were fading away. More tattered pages, some with photos and some with words dropped out of her book. The pages scattered and she couldn't get all of them back. The more she tried to make things right the slower and more stilted the words and her movements became until she was frozen in place. She looked back at the shelves and saw a tiny pile of comic books where the shelves had groaned before.



Buffy stood up in the dream library and walked to another section. She was doing what she was told to, not what she wanted. Others passed her, the ones doing what she might have done, but she was trapped into doing what it wanted her to do. She knew every tactic for a hundred monsters, but the manipulation she was undergoing had left her helpless. She had woken up then, to a bright and happy day.



She knew just what the dream meant now, now that it was too late to hope for rescue or help. Now that she knew the thing she faced hated love and hope and, more than those, it hated possibilities. They didn't fit within the proper order of things.



Perhaps she'd grown complacent and sure of her place in the world. After all, she was the Chosen One, the Slayer. And now she would never be anything else. All her dreams were dust and ashes, less substantial than a dead vampire. But the unseen evil knew this was best for her.



What hurt her worse was that she and her world had fallen prey to this evil without a fight. It had been clever and had lied to people with a smile and a handful of gentle, pretty words. Now it was doing what it perceived the helpless citizens needed, whether they liked it or not. But they liked it, or they said they did. So she'd kept looking for other monsters, never looking beneath the happiness she saw around her.



Until today when she'd found Dawn in the basement lying almost dead next to Willow did she know what had been wrong with them. The happy Dawn she'd seen before wasn't the still form here and the smiling Willow was just as false.



Buffy knew these were the real ones, and she knew, somehow, it was too late for them in the false world upstairs that had been carved from the living world she was supposed to protect. She'd failed her sister and her friend. She'd just never known it until now.



"It's worse than you think," Anya rasped from the stairs.



Buffy turned and then looked away. Anya was a kooky girl demon who was doing a weird courtship of denial and desire with a successful Xander. She wasn't this tired thing caught halfway between demon and human with the hurts of both and the hope of neither. Buffy did not reach for a weapon as the thing walked unsteadily forward, though she did protest when the thing reached down to touch Dawn.



"I won't hurt her," Anya said tiredly. "I'm just looking for what they were fighting it off with. It must have been powerful."



"Fighting it off?" Buffy asked. "They can fight this Stepford Sunnydale thing?"



"No, but they tried," Anya said. "If they could have broken it we'd be doing something else now."



"Can you help them?" Buffy whispered hopefully.



"Not here," Anya said sadly. "They've drained themselves trying to break it and now they're lost here. But maybe somewhere else they could be...themselves."



Buffy saw a small black and white form move out of the shadows and approach the two broken forms. She realized she'd only seen Miss Kitty in the basement since Dawn had taken her in. The cat pushed against them and meowed. Then it sat on Willow's arm and licked Dawn's hand. She started to purr loudly. The cat looked at her and meowed. Buffy saw the basement get blurry.



"Would they be safe?" Buffy asked through her tears.



"Nowhere is safe," Anya answered bitterly. Then she pulled a small object out of Dawn's hand and held it gently. Buffy's eyes narrowed as she tried to place the object.



"But some places may be safer than others," she said. "I don't know what the witchy lingo is but that was Tara's rock. She gave it to Willow before..."



Buffy blinked and tried to remember where she'd seen Tara with it. Fragments of memories came through. A warm lap, a shoulder and a comforting arm. She didn't need Tara, a new memory insisted. She had a new guide. Everything she needed was upstairs. The cat vanished for a moment. Anya looked soft and friendly. Buffy shook her head and concentrated. She heard purring.



"I'm losing it," she said flatly. "What do we do?"



"Hold this and think of them and...and Tara," Anya said with an effort. "No! She was my friend. I won't forget. I won't!"



"We won't," Buffy insisted. "We won't forget any of them."



"We'll have too," Anya added after a moment. "It knows they tried to get out. It's looking for them. If we remember then-"



"Then it finds them," Buffy said coldly. She knelt by Dawn and brushed her hand through the long dark hair. "And we don't save anything."



Anya just nodded as she fought for her composure.



"Do it, Anya," Buffy said. "I trust you."



For a long moment Dawn and Willow wavered but returned looking even paler. The cat yowled. Buffy picked her up and stroked her once.



"She goes," Buffy said firmly though her voice threatened to break. "She was a witch's cat and always finds her way home and she lands on her feet. Try it again. You can do this."



The Slayer placed the cat on the outstretched hands of the two dearest to her heart and called up every memory she had left of Tara. In the basement there was the softest hint of a breeze and the tang of saltwater. Dawn was gone, and with her Willow and Miss Kitty. Upstairs a door slammed and Buffy heard quick, light steps on the floor above.



"Hi, I'm home," Dawn called out cheerfully.



"We're home," Willow added with a bright smile.



Buffy looked at Anya and tried to remember why she and the silly demon girl were in the basement. She shrugged and smiled as she headed upstairs. She didn't notice the black and white fur on her top.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



In the library an old stooped man with white hair sighed as he reached down and picked up another pair of loose pages. He looked at them and saw a pair of photographs. In one a girl looked at the black and white cat on her lap and laughed as it pawed at her hair in what appeared to be a dorm room. In the other a slight woman held up the same cat and made a happy face at it.



He looked at the litter left behind by the latest client. He looked at the empty shelves with their tiny collection of comics, no, the client called them graphic novels, and sighed. The library was always short of space and soon this place he'd enjoyed would be filled with something else. He took his found pages to a central room full of activity. It crackled with energy as reference librarians and patrons swirled around him. He looked up at the tall pillars covered with photos and words lost from other books over the years. Something pulled at him, an old and sad memory.



He looked at the pillar and saw a page with the picture of a girl holding the same cat high on the pillar. He took out a tiny jewel of a pen and wrote the date, time, and place he'd found the picture. He looked up and knew he'd never get it up there.



"Ook?" a primate voice asked.



"Yes, actually," the old man said. "I think this goes up there."



A long, rough had covered with red hair touched the photos and gave the flat image of the cat an especially light touch.



"Ook," the orang-utang replied.



It handed the old man it's books and went up the pillar with an unexpected grace. The ape stopped and looked at the slightly yellowed picture and touched the cat in that picture. He sniffed all three pictures and let out a gusty breath. He carefully put the other two pictures next to the older one and gave a small, yellow toothed smile as they seemed to bind into their own tiny book. He dropped to the floor.



"Ook," he said happily.



"Thank you," the old man said. "It's good to know. Saltwater, eh?"



Before the ape could answer there was a flurry of activity and the client the old man picked up after strode into the center of the library demanding attention. He caused a ruckus and waited for attention but now most of the other clients just ignored him. He threw a small tantrum and started looking frantically for something. He stormed past the old man and the orang-utang with a sneer.



He never looked above him.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Tara Maclay played her flashlight over the disused warehouse's corner and shivered. The job had sounded much better weeks ago in the bright light of day. Now she just shivered with what she knew wasn't cold. Then she saw the black and white cat sit up and meow at her. She smiled.



"I'm supposed to keep the riff-raff out," she said gently. "N-not the kit-kats. So you don't have to go out in the nice, warm S-seattle night."



Another wave of rain pounded on the roof above giving lie to the woman's description of the outside weather. As she got close to the cat it darted off. Tara followed it with the light until she saw a huddled figure. There were no blankets or push cart, just a thin figure of a woman not dressed for the weather with red hair and pale skin. Tara leaned down and felt for a pulse. There was a steady pulse under the soft skin. Tara pulled her bulky jacket off and put it over the woman. Green eyes opened and Tara felt her heart beat faster.



"Where?" the woman's voice rasped.



"You're safe," Tara said quickly.



Then the red head smiled and Tara felt herself smiling back. She tried to stop. Swans don't swim with mud hens, she knew that.



"I know I am," she replied tiredly. "Now."

Edited by: xita  at: 10/13/02 12:36:08 am

[tiredsoul]

This is a cool and facinating start. And Miss Kitty is there. Yay! I'm anxious to see where this goes.



--celia

---------------------------------

"That was just rude. Now I forget what I was saying."

[willntlover]

Neat Can't wait to see what you've got up your sleeve.



-Will

"Hear that baby? You're my always."

"well, you know, when you play a lesbian witch you've gotta get killed in this fun kind of exciting way, so the heart was the way to go..."

"we have the most amazing fans though they LOVE us."

[mollyig]

Jixer, the maestro of AUs. Great to see another story from you on the Pens.



Really intrigued to see where this is going.



And I love the orangey Librarian from Pratchett!

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[barnabasvamp]

jixer;

Glad your back with more!

Wow, great start with this one, looking for more

BV

"In front of total strangers won't you kiss me, Flowers for no reason but you miss me - OOH, I wanna be in love"

Melissa Etheridge-Skin

[willntlover]

more soon??? i read your last fic, and it rocked! Glad that you are doing another.



Jeeze feeling like a junkie here, coz i gotta know what's going on



-Will

"Hear that baby? You're my always."

"well, you know, when you play a lesbian witch you've gotta get killed in this fun kind of exciting way, so the heart was the way to go..."

"we have the most amazing fans though they LOVE us."

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-



Wow and thanks for the responses to all! Without your time and effort there is no story. I know I say this a lot but it's true. And so is my thanks for all of you who take the time to respond.



Again, thank you,



J

[jixer]

Lost Pages Update #2

Author: Jixer

Spoilers: Up through the end of Season 6

WARNINGS: Moderate Kitten Angst Advisory. This is after Season 6.





Tara made her rounds in the wind driven rain. It almost looked pretty as it streaked by under the harsh glow of the old mercury vapor floodlights. The eastern sky refused to give even a hint of light as she tried to skirt the largest puddles.



Tara shivered as she looked at the street nearby and the gates. This warehouse was being fought over in court. Located in the older section of the port beyond Terminal 115, there were no raves or anything else that would draw a pretty redhead out here on a blustery and very early Monday morning. She said her name was Willow, and when Tara offered to call the police she had cried and begged her not to until Tara had given her a hug and promised not to call.



Under her thin rain cape she stopped shivering as she remembered the feel of the girl in her arms. She shook her head. She wouldn't let her self hope. It was a foregone conclusion she already had someone. Tara tuned back to the warehouse and let herself in near the tiny office. At the battered desk and chair the girl slept unsteadily in the oversized Security emblazoned coat.



Her sleep was unusual, but there were no signs that she'd been using drugs. Tara had seen those tell tale indications enough volunteering at a women and children's shelter. Her scent was of roses and herbal shampoo, not alcohol. But she was afraid of the police and exhausted. She was running from something.



But she trusted this girl, and Tara couldn't say why.



Her entry woke the redhead. Willow looked at her and gave a tiny smile. The slight woman took off the jacket and handed it to her.



"I'm too warm," Willow lied. Tara slipped on the already warm jacket for a few moments and smiled shyly at the redhead. Willow looked down.



"Thanks," she said softly. "Sorry if I'm being a spazz, but I just..."



"It's o-okay," Tara insisted taking off the coat and draping it over graceful shoulders. "I can get you back into the c-city. Wh-where are you staying?"



"I'm at-" Willow looked puzzled until she yawned widely. "University of..."



"W-W-Washington?" Tara said wincing inside. There was nothing like a pretty face to bring out her inner dork.



"I think so," Willow replied with another huge yawn. Then she tried to hide her shivering. "There was a cat..."



"I s-saw her but she ran, I'm sorry," Tara said quickly. Then wordlessly she took off the jacket and handed it back to the thin girl. Willow wrapped herself up quickly in it.



"Where is this?" Willow asked in a fearful voice.



"We're almost past the South Harbor," Tara explained.



"Seattle, ocean, I kinda know that, but South Harbor?" Willow said frowning and then her eyes closed for a second. She started to slip forward in the chair. Tara quickly leaned forward and pushed her back.



"Sorry!" Willow said with a start. "South Harbor? I don't know where I am. How do I get to, um, the University and what do I do when I get there if I'm still all muzzy and, and I have to take a test but I don't have any pencils or pens and my notes, where are my notes? I can't take a test or fill out forms or-"



"I'll get you there," Tara said as she took Willow's hands in hers. "We'll figure out where you need to be."



"Promise?" Willow asked plaintively.



"Yes," Tara said surely. And I'll get you back to who ever has your heart, she added to herself.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



She awoke in the dark, with only a cat and a thin jean jacket for warmth. She was lost. She'd been trying to stop something bad from happening and had failed. Something was looking for her, or had been.

She clutched the cat to her and felt it purr. Something moved in the darkness near her, something large and foul smelling. She sat up and swayed to her feet. The thing got closer. In the light it became a man with wild gray hair pushing a grocery cart. He shuffled up to her.



"Get out of here!" he screeched and brandished a cane.



She backed away as the cat snarled a little. She edged out and saw rain slicked streets. There were a few other spots around out of the rain and she could see huddled forms in the darkness. The cat seemed to get closer to her as she shivered. Then headlights swept over her and a long car pulled up. A window rolled down and a handsome face leaned out.



"Hey, pretty girl, I know a place where it's all safe and warm," he said gently. "Bring the pussy."



That brought shrill laughter from inside the car. She could see a trio of girls her age or younger. Two of them were laughing but one just looked at her sorrowfully and shook her head just a tiny bit. The cat let out a snarling challenge that stopped the laughter.



"Or I can just take the pussy," he said as he grinned and opened the door.



She ran into the rain and didn't stop until the cat yowled at being held so tightly. She started to cry as she sagged against a building. A light blinded her. She flinched away from the light while trying to cover the cat to protect her from the rain.



"Don't move!" A hard sounding alto voice commanded. She froze as the figure moved closer. Now she could see a uniformed figure with a hand on a holstered weapon. Fear and cold made her shake.



"What's your name, girl?" the policewoman asked more gently.



"D-Dawn," she said quickly. "Where am I?"



"You're on Capitol Hill, Dawn, about two blocks off Broadway," the officer said. "Where do you live?"



The girl looked at the cop for a long moment. Sergeant Janet Franconi had seen that look before, but never on someone so young without the other marks of booze or drugs. She was totally bewildered, soaked and lost. The only thing that seemed to be holding her to reality was the cat. A cat that was wet, being squeezed and not making a claw filled argument to be let down.



"Seattle?" Janet said without any recognition from the girl. "How about your ID?"



"I'm s-s-sorry," Dawn said as her teeth started to chatter. She reached for her purse. When her hand found nothing she looked at the Sergeant with a look of panic.



"Get in the car," Janet said gently.



Dawn crawled into the back seat of the cruiser and almost sighed as the warmth wafted over her. Janet sat in the front and looked through the partition. The cat stretched and started to wash herself.



"What's your last name, Dawn?" she asked firmly.



"Uh, S-s...I don't know," she whispered. "I'm from...California? Or Canada, but I think it's warm where I come from."



"Let's say California," the policewoman said with a small smile.



When she looked back she saw Dawn was asleep and the cat was curled up next to her, purring loudly. Franconi thanked St. Michael that it was quiet as she tried to get information or a place for a lost girl. Something made her hold off taking her into the system. Perhaps it was the way the girl and the cat huddled together.



"You're an idiot and a sucker both, Franconi," she muttered as she started the patrol car.



A few minutes later she pounded on the door of a weathered old house. An older woman wearing a robe and sensible slippers opened the door after unfastening several locks.



"Pick up or delivery?" the older woman asked tiredly.



"I've got a weird one, Sister Frances," Janet said uncomfortably. "And she's got a cat."



""Weird?" the nun asked. "Coming from you, that's scary. Tell me about her."



For a few minutes Franconi tried to explain why she was stepping so far out of procedure. The Sister looked at the sleeping girl and the cat. The black and white feline sniffed her sleepily then lowered her head for petting. The former nurse checked the girl quickly for obvious things and then shrugged.



"You bring her, I'll get the cat," she said.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Several minutes late and reeking of clove cigarettes the next security guard arrived at the warehouse. He looked at Tara's carefully written logbook and shrugged. He eyed Willow and she shrank into her self. It stopped when Tara stepped in front of him and glared at him wordlessly. He whined but he headed out for the first rounds as a sullen streak of light appeared in the east over the hills.



Tara pulled at her belt and Willow's eyes widened as the shy girl took off a shoulder holster. Willow couldn't understand how she missed that. Tara emptied her stainless steel revolver as the redhead looked very uncomfortable.



"You shouldn't be wearing that," Willow finally said anxiously.



"I know, it's like the w-worst bra in the w-w-world," she agreed. "But it keeps my father's old Smith out of the w-weather."



"No, I mean the gun, well and the holster thingee, I mean, you know, not you," Willow exclaimed breathlessly.



"I kind of h-have to," Tara said gently as she zipped up the weapon in a gun rug. "The rules said I h-had to provide my own s-sidearm and get a concealed carry permit. I need the job for the benefits. It's put away. W-we need to hurry."



Tara tried to hurry Willow through the rain to the bus stop. The thin young woman tried to keep up but she kept fading back. She leaned against Tara at the stop as they watched a bus pull away. An almost full bus wheezed to the stop some minutes later. Tara led her to the last open pair of seats. A large man glared at her but she met his gaze as she settled Willow in on the window seat. Tara felt the brush of commuters next to her on the aisle side of the seat but today just braced herself and tried not to bump into Willow.



"If you see anything, you know, you recognize, just tell me," Tara said as Willow blinked owlishly. In a few moments Willow was asleep. The bus filled as they traveled slowly towards downtown. Tara kept a worried eye on the sleeping girl and some of the more colorful passengers. Several seemed to be unnaturally alert in the sullen crowd of commuters. Tara felt the brush of swaying passengers next to her on the aisle side but today just braced herself and tried not to bother Willow.



To say Willow dreamt would be wrong. She had images and memories flying through her, but they were confused and fleeting. She was more tired by the time the bus finally pulled into downtown Seattle and her companion woke her. Tara was yawning too and bought them both mochas out of a couple of ones and most of her change. She still couldn't open part of her small wallet purse. Willow tried to help pay but found her wallet completely stuck. She blushed and accepted the cup with a small smile.



"You're too nice..." Willow almost slurred. "I'm..."



"Tired, and I know coffee w-won't cure that but...at least there's, you know, chocolate too," Tara replied. "I need you to be awake. After the library w-we'll be going to Husky land."



"Husky?" Willow asked as a dozen images of huskies and purple welled up just under her conscious mind. "Oh, U of W, Dawgs, go team type huskies, not the fuzzy ones on lounge chairs."



"I think that was a Disney movie," Tara teased.



Willow smiled and stuck her tongue out at Tara. Both of them smiled easily for a moment as a city moved around them. Then Tara dropped her eyes and looked toward the temporary Library.



"I just need to get these back," Tara said as she took out a pair of large books from her backpack.



"Serious booking there," Willow said approvingly.



"Just trying to keep up for w-when I get back to school," she explained with a shrug.



"Where were you going?" Willow asked as she fought a yawn.



"I w-was going to S-Stanford, until the scholarship kind of ran out of dot com money," Tara said with a wan smile, then she looked up more brightly. "But I learned a lot and I'm going back to school just as s-soon as I get enough, you know, put back."



Willow nodded and they headed up the street. Willow sat for just a moment on a bench outside the book drop as Tara waited in line to return her self study books. The redhead's eyes flew open at the touch on her shoulder. Images had been flashing again in her mind but they vanished in the worried gaze of blue eyes.



"Are you s-sure you're alright?" Tara asked awkwardly.



"Yes," Willow breathed. She touched Tara's hand on her shoulder. For a second those blues eyes smiled, but then they looked down and away.



"W-w-we should go," Tara said quickly.



"But...if you say so, Tara," she replied confused by the emotions slipping through her. She wanted to ask the shy girl so many questions but she already knew the first answer. Girls like Tara didn't come along often and when they did there was always someone else who'd seen the treasure of they were first and claimed it.



They took the first bus to the University. Tara tried to remember the route she'd taken on her illicit trips to the Art Library and the Music Library and Listening Center. As she got closer to the school she felt more and more unhappy. The bus was mostly students and visitors when they arrived at the campus. Tara chided herself bitterly when she saw Willow was asleep in the seat beside her. Instead of helping the girl she'd been wishing and hoping. Her father and cousins had been right about her.



"We're here," she said apologetically. "Anything look familiar?"



Willow looked around at the campus and knew she was more lost than she imagined. Brief images flipped through her memory, as if she was seeing a hundred different snapshots of the same area. She shook her head.



"We're coming up to...Gate Five," Willow said unsurely. "The bookstore is back there a couple of blocks but...Schmitz Hall, I need to go there, I think."



"Admissions," Tara said wistfully. "Makes sense."



But it didn't to Willow when they stood in front of the building. She knew what it was and even when it was built, but it wasn't familiar at all. She shook her head. Then she noticed Tara was jiggling a bit. She smiled.



"Want to talk about waterfalls?" she teased gently.



"You're mean," Tara said with a smile. "Will you be okay?"



"I'm fine," Willow lied. "Go and go and then meet me here. I'll take a quick look around."



Tara darted off as Willow looked around the lobby. She found a campus map left behind by someone and picked it up. She found a space on a bench and started to read. A few moments later a large delegation from California passed a sleeping girl in a bulky jacket with 'Security' on it. This time she woke up in time to see Tara first. She felt tears on her cheeks as Tara almost stumbled.



"I'm so sorry," Willow rasped. "I'm too tired and it's not making sense. I know stuff but I feel all lost still. It's like I can't think cause I'm tired but I can't sleep cause I'm lost and I have to think my way out of this, but I can't and you're all tired because of me and I'm bad."



"No, you're not bad!" Tara insisted with a soft urgency. "You're just lost."



"Maybe I wasn't lost, maybe I was thrown out," Willow replied bitterly.



"No, I've s-seen tossed away people before," Tara said sadly. "Oh no. It's Monday and I didn't call."



Tara pulled out a cell phone and dialed a number. After a few seconds she frowned.



"Hi, just checking to see if Cora got out to s-school," she said quickly. "Give me a call when you get this, bye."



"Your girl?" Willow asked reluctantly.



"W-what?" Tara replied with a confused look. "Oh, no. Cora's a girl I check up on for Sister Frances. She's had a...rough time."



"Oh," Willow said with a smile.



"My girl?" Tara asked quietly after a second. "Am I that obvious?"



"No, I was just..." Willow couldn't bring herself to say hoping. She yawned and shivered.



"Maybe if you get some sleep, you'll have things clear up," Tara suggested hesitantly. "You, um, can crash at my place, on the couch, I mean, you know..."



"I know," Willow said with a real smile. "It sounds nice. How far is it?"



"Close, kind of," Tara said. "Just a couple of short bus rides."



It turned out to be a pair of moderately short bus rides in the Monday traffic. Tara's apartment was in an older building on the top floor. When Willow saw it she felt she knew the girl who lived there. Nothing was new, matched or dirty. The lime green iMac with a cable modem was the only thing that stood out, and the few accessories it had didn't match it's forcefully festive color.



"It's called a s-studio apartment 'cause 'broom closet' wouldn't get as much rent," Tara explained with an embarrassed smile. "Sorry."



"No it's...cozy," Willow answered. "Is that the couch?"



"W-well, a futon couch," Tara explained. "I've got some flannel sheets and a spare pillow and blanket. Oh, and an old night gown."



"I don't know how to thank you," Willow whispered sadly.



"Just get better," Tara said honestly.



Willow smiled and took the nightgown into the small bathroom. When she came out Tara was nearly asleep herself on a chair but the futon was made up neatly. She turned on a fan to drown out some of the noise from the city around them. Willow laid on the futon for just a second and knew it wasn't quite right. She doubted she'd sleep.



Five seconds later Tara covered her and then sprawled onto her own twin bed in a cranny called a sleeping alcove in the apartment's advertising.



Willow looked over a huge surface filled with images from memory. The one thing the images shared was that they weren't her memories. She walked around them and started to put them in order.



She was Willow Danielle Rosenberg, daughter of Ira and Sheila Rosenberg. Born in Sunnydale, California where she lived all her life near the Hellmouth. But that was impossible here. So she became the daughter of two professors, Ira and Sheila Rosenberg, noted mostly for their constant moving within the California state universities and frequent sabbaticals that led to obscure papers published in journals largely unread.



Now she had lived in many places in the state over the years and had few friends. By the time she was fourteen she was taking advanced classes and taking care of herself when her parents left the country. Then she living in...LA and her parents were untenured at UCLA and USC. She met Buffy in high school and broke out of her shell. She had many images of high school and she made them fit closely to herself.



In the apartment Willow rose and went to the little computer. Her eyes were closed. Her fingers moved slowly, then faster and faster until they blurred on the keyboard. Subroutines started on other computers and photos changed slightly. And in the county of Los Angeles a birth certificate came into being in the sacrosanct records of the County Clerk. Other records began to show up across the state. In Seattle her wallet filled up and sagged open...



College came and she was off to UCLA, just another new face in a huge system. Buffy came along. Her first lover, a musician, had a dozen choices and she tried to make it all fit. It did until she came to a huge hole in the blizzard of images. A Tara sized hole. Nothing fit her images from Sunnydale. Finally she looked up and saw a black haired version of herself smiling smugly at her.



"This is never going to work," the dark Willow said dismissively. "He knows what you need."



"I need her," Willow said steadily as she looked through the images.



"You'll find somebody new," the harder Willow said with a smile. "She'll be hot and it's someone you need."



"Arrogance, pride, and blindness," muttered Willow as she looked down at the odd mix of memories. "But not magic, not here with her."



"You don't need her," the dark haired woman insisted. "Come back now, you know you belong there. You and Dawn both."



"Dawnie?" Willow looked up as her own memories nearly drove her to her knees.



"Yeah, the poor little thing in the failing shelter here," her counterpart said with a smile. "See?"



Willow shuddered under new memories from Dawn's slumbering mind. She too was collecting memories not her own in her sleep. Willow saw everything a cop and a medical missionary had remembered, the confused recall of an old homeless man and the horrific memories of girls and women desperate enough to seek a place in a run down shelter for the night. Tears fell as she tried to see through horrors that made vampires seem like cardboard skeletons.



"You need to come back," the strong Willow told her weak red haired self. "All of you need to come back."



Suddenly Willow saw a hundred red haired versions of herself in jeans or dresses or gowns, wearing armor or vacuum suits, all on their knees trying to make piles of memories fit. She seemed to cry everywhere, lost and unsure.



Then Tara moved in her sleep near those crying young women because in her dreams everywhere Willow was hurting and confused. Here in the little alcove she rolled over and whispered a beautiful name. Miss Kitty started to purr by Dawn's side in houses, castles, starships, and in one place, an airship. Tara's whisper came from a hundred places with a roar that was underscored by a rumbling that deafened. The images quaked and shook.



Willow lowered her head and looked at the images again and took some of the dark ones and mixed them in. The dark haired Willow faded slightly and became scruffy. She looked bad in a way that was too real.



"No!" she pleaded in a voice that now had panic in it. "He knows what you need! Trust him!"



"Arrogance, pride, and blindness," Willow sighed. "I can't avoid it. Boy, this is gonna be no fun at all."



A few more blinding strokes and Tara's wallet purse bulged with old photos and cards...



" NO!" screamed the dark Willow. "You can do better than this horse of a lezzie! Trust him!"



Willow looked at her in a hundred places with the same tight smile.



In some places it took a complex line of code, or a potion, or the touch of a pair of lips to those of a sleeping girl with blue eyes and a strong, gentle heart.



In a tiny apartment in Seattle all it took was hitting "return".



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



In a shelter on Capitol Hill in Seattle, one always on the edge of closing, a small black and white cat opened her eyes just a little. She nuzzled a sleeping girl and kept purring.



It was a very loud purr.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



In the library the very tiny book that had formed out of lost pages now had a thin cheap cover with the Space Needle and a cat on it. It rested on a rickety shelf set into the pillar. Around the pillar there was now a walkway with a handrail. In a niche on one side a monitor flickered with images of a pair of women. There other books here now, and more everyday. Some were small and some seemed to grow daily. Art work now covered every space without books.



The person who looked after this tiny section of the library leaned against her cane. Her small frame moved slowly. She often heard herself described as a girl, until they saw her eyes, for those eyes did not belong to a girl.



There was so much to do. She was not even sure where the monitor had come from. Sometimes she got unusual help. For one helper she had a bag of peanuts as bananas did not keep well in the library, and shells were easier to clean up than peels.



Below her she heard a commotion. She looked down and saw the client. His works were in the ' for sale, help support your library, thank you' cart for their appeal had waned considerably and were no longer being checked out. He had several people with him, but fewer than the last time she'd seen him.



"It's here somewhere, so find it!" he commanded with a hint of desperation.



She sighed and looked at them scurrying around below her. This was theirs, even if they had lost it carelessly. Reluctantly she took a large breath and leaned on her cane.



"What you lost is up here," she called out in a strong clear voice. She heard the echoes but the client just shook his head in dismissal and looked for the answer that would fit his vision.



He never looked up.

[mollyig]

Oh I'd been wondering where Dawn had gotten off to. Glad she hasn't come to any harm, thanks to the nice police woman. So she's with Sr. Frances, who Tara knows. Interesting.



Willow's seeming somnabulism to create her history, and in doing so her present is most intriguing, as is the War of Wills (pun intended) between herself and DMW.

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[barnabasvamp]

Excellent!



I'm interested to find out where this is going.

BV

"In front of total strangers won't you kiss me, Flowers for no reason but you miss me - OOH, I wanna be in love"

Melissa Etheridge-Skin

[Grimlock72]

Okaaaay, I could follow most of this chapter at least . The library stuff still doesn't make much sense, but it will (hopefully) link up sooner or later.



Definity pattern in your stories, you tend to skip the beginning and dive right in, heh. Like jumping into a moving vehicle, kinda hard at times.



So both Dawn and Willow are lost (those we know of anyway). Who's the "he" Dark Willow on-screen refers to ? Questions, questions... (my quess would Rack or such). Interesting way of projecting multiple-Willows, for all I could read Dark Willow was purely in her mind... sort of projected nightmare .



This story keeps me thinking for sure, heh...



Grimmy

"Why w-w-would anyone leave Willow?" It was a concept Tara just could not grasp. -- I Dream of Thee by Jomarch

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-



Thanks for the feedback and the patience. This is piece a bit experimental for me, so I hope not to confuse everyone to much with the secondary story line. As for the things I put Willow through, I feel if I'm following Season Sux, what happened has happened and I take it from there.



I'm promising myself a very AU in the future where W/T can meet without the useless baggage of S-6. But NOT until I finish HK and this one.



Also- Just To Be Sure is a totally stand alone short fic. At least here I can change the endings.



Thank you for the time and feedback, it keeps me going.



Thank you again,





J

[jixer]

Lost Pages Update #3

Author: Jixer

Spoilers: Up through the end of Season 6

WARNINGS: Moderate Kitten Angst Advisory. This is after Season 6.





Willow Rosenberg didn't want to wake up. In her dream she was back with Tara. They had never fought, and she hadn't gotten in too deeply over her head in a shadowy world of designer drugs. Pancakes were being cooked and she was in flannel sheets. She opened her eyes. Gray light filled the window. She was in a nightgown a size too big and there were flannel sheets around her. She looked around with desperate hope as memories came back.



"S-sorry I w-woke you," Tara said from the tiny corner kitchen. She didn't know why she was wearing a Stanford sweatshirt. She'd gone to UCLA with Willow.



"You woke me," Willow said softly, her voice full of wonder. "You woke me because you found me and brought me here. It's real, isn't it?"



"Yes, honey, um, Willow," Tara said gently. She was holding back from the sad green eyes and desperate voice with an effort that tore her heart.



"I'm sorry," Willow said looking away. "Who is she?"



"Who?" Tara asked with a frown.



"Your girl," Willow explained listlessly. "The lucky bitch who saw what I lost 'cause I screwed up and snatched it up."



"You're still a silly nutbar," Tara said with a rueful smile. "You're the only one...who ever thought I was worth the trouble."



"You are!" Willow insisted. "And it's not too much trouble to get so much Tara for never enough anything, I mean you were always with the good sense and the muffins and coffee, or when you did my astronomy flashcards and I got an A cause the teacher loved 'Moose Getting a Sponge Bath' and oh God, Tara I'm so sorry, I broke everything..."



Tara reached for her as Willow was wracked with sobs. After a little while the redhead stopped. She clung to Tara, who rocked her gently and made soothing noises that stilled the panic in Willow's soul.



"What happened?" Tara asked after Willow had relaxed. She held her tightly as the slender girl stiffened.



"My herbal study aid caught on," Willow said bitterly. "It helped more than studying. You warned me."



"I'm sorry, love," Tara replied.



"It made you remember all you studied for but you kinda lost some other stuff on the way," Willow went on. "Memories of other things and inhibitions and judgement went away but it sure helped make you confident. I was sure I could fix it. I knew exactly what I was doing. I, I used you as an excuse. I told myself it was because you needed the money for school. I was going to get you back."



"Even after that s-scary w-women the, the one w-w-who gave me that stuff..." Tara started to shake.



"I'm sorry!" Willow said urgently. "She's gone, they're all gone. You're safe. I don't deserve this. I'll go."



"No," Tara said shifting her hands so they took Willow's in hers. "I could have s-stayed and h-h-helped."



"I wasn't listening, and you wouldn't have taken the money that stuff made anyway," Willow said firmly. "I know that now. Kind of late, but I know it. You were right about them. There was something bigger going on. I kind of got caught in it."



"What about the big guy and his creepy boys?" Tara asked timidly.



"Rack?" Willow asked with an almost hysterical laugh. "I, I, oh God..."



Willow got up and ran for the bathroom. She retched and collapsed into heaving sobs. Tara helped clean her up and cradled her until she stopped.



"I got so out of it he got on top of me and I let him," she whispered as Tara fought tears. "I thought it was my idea until he...oh God, I'm filthy."



"No, no, no," Tara almost sang. "You got hurt but it's over. You're okay. You're okay. I've got you."



"I don't deserve this," Willow hissed. "I made stuff that could've killed people and when the lab blew Rack, well the flames got him and I was all 'you deserved it'. They said Warren was self defense but I don't know. It's all a jumble and I did it to myself. If the cops hadn't lost some evidence and needed me I'd be in jail."



"Is that how you got to Seattle?" Tara asked.



"No, that's the worst part of all of this," Willow said looking away.



"Worst?" Tara asked worriedly. "It already sounds like a horrible novel."



"Nobody but a hack would do this to their characters, so it must be real," Willow said wearily. "Then the hero arrives. I was in over my head and guess who came to rescue me. That's when I found out just how bad the situation was and lost it. Liz saw what needed to happen. She stopped it but didn't..."



"Oh no, Elizabeth's not, n-n-no, not Liz," Tara said in a rough voice. Willow just nodded. "And Dawn?"



"I was sent away by the DEA and Interpol as part of the deal," she said tiredly. "I gave them the whole formula and manufacturing process. They told me they were going to take care of things. Only when I get back Dawn's gone and so is Miss Kitty. California let her slip through the cracks.



"Gone?" Tara whispered. Tara just shook her head. She felt exhausted by Willow's story. All she had left was her touch. Willow accepted it like it was a lifeline.



"Liz is buried in the cheapest plot after everything she did," Willow said bitterly. "She saved the world, Tara. I saw the vials. They would have let it out. I can't tell anybody about it because of 'homeland security'. Then that afternoon I get cops on my door. Only this time it's about my mom and dad. Ferry accident in Greece. No survivors."



Tara just held on tightly but Willow was so empty she couldn't cry anymore.



"And that's how I get here," Willow said flatly. "I spent most of the insurance money on private detectives and trying to trace her electronically. There was a good double hit in Seattle a little while ago and I've been looking here ever since. Except for when the flashbacks hit and I fall over. I've been thinking about going back to school if I find her, when/ I find her."



"Flashbacks?" Tara asked quickly. "Is that why you were so out of it yesterday? I mean you knew me but it was like you...didn't want to know me. You stopped writing and you w-weren't looking for me."



"I !" Willow said plaintively. "You're decent and wonderful and well, sexy. And I'm totally useless. You should've been out there with a real woman loving you and being spoiled, not in here with a loser who's going to end up ruining your life like everything else I touch."



"Please stop, love," Tara pleaded. "So that and the flashbacks, and the stress, are why you were almost sleep walking?"



"It wasn't just the flashbacks," Willow admitted meeting Tara's eyes. "I haven't slept since I found out I lost Dawn. I collapse for a while, but, but I keep seeing her out there all alone. I can't stop looking. Elizabeth was saving me. I'm responsible for her being alone. She was the little sister I, we never had, and I've got to get her back. She's..."



Willow fell forward and Tara caught her. For a moment they looked into each other's eyes. Willow looked away first.



"Hey, you called me...love," she said suddenly feeling shy. A familiar warmth started where Tara held her.



"Yes, and you're wrong," Tara said firmly. " We've got to find her."



"We've?" Willow asked with wide eyes.



"Dawn is family and you're still my girl," Tara said hopefully. "If you want."



Willow's answer was the hardest kiss either of them could remember.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dawn awoke in the afternoon. She hadn't woken up to purring in a while, or clean sheets. She looked up and saw on odd low ceiling. After a second she realized she was on the lower bed of what looked like a sturdy home made bunk bed. Next to her the cat lay on her paws and leaned against Dawn. There was an old woman gently petting the cat behind the ears.



"Good afternoon, Dawn," the woman said. "I'm Frances, or Sister, or Frank if you're my older brother. You're safe and I hope you're hungry."



"Surplus old tax write off stuff for the shelter?" Dawn asked yawning. "The kind that has to get used fast or it's mucky?"



"You've been in the back ends of these places before," Frances smiled. "You looked like a helper."



"I try," Dawn said with a shy smile. "My mom and my sister were always..."



Frances reached out and took her hand. In many years of nursing, in places more numerous than she cared to remember she'd learned the power of another human's touch in healing. Especially now when loss and loneliness howled in a soul. Dawn steadied and looked up.



"What's your last name, Dawn?" the nun asked with a gentle firmness.



"Maclay," Dawn answered after a second's hesitation.



"No, dear, the real one," Frances said firmly, then she paused and looked at the girl closely. "Why Maclay?"



"There's this girl, Tara, and she's nice and she was Willow's girlfriend and Liz was always off at college and when mom died she gave me Miss Kitty," Dawn said in a rush. "She wrote to me until all the weird stuff happened and then Liz is dead and I had to run away from the foster pervert. I've got to find her and give Miss Kitty Fantastico back so she can be warm and safe."



"What about you being warm and safe?" the older woman asked softly.



"Nobody wants teenagers, we're too old and expensive," Dawn snapped. "It's steal or...stuff. I won't do that stuff they want!"



"Good," Frances said quickly.



"But I'm gonna get caught and end up in jail and then they're going to put Miss Kitty in a shelter or she's going to get hit by a car," Dawn went on more subdued. "She doesn't deserve that. She got me through some bad places. So I've got to find Tara."



"I might be able to help find her, but there's no promises," Frances said carefully. "Until then, you can stay here Miss...?"



"Summers, Dawn Summers," she said shyly. "Thank you."



"Let's get to that food before it gets mucky," the old nun said, then she looked down at the cat around her feet. "And bring the furry appetite too."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Buffy reached over and turned off the television. She came here using Slayer meditation. It was as if her mind knew when she needed to see this odd show. Things were getting stranger in her world. The evil that had seemed so powerful now thrashed blindly about. It was as if the reality she knew was trying to break through. She heard less and less from the world outside Sunnydale. That frightened her.



What if the rest of the world went on and left her here in this place that didn't fit anymore?



She looked down at the television and smiled. At least something wonderful had escaped. She just wished she could remember it in world outside her meditation. Next time she'd meditate a recliner, she hoped.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



In the library, on the pillar over the busy level below, the walkway was both broader and sturdier. Now a wheelchair could just maneuver along the filling shelves. On one shelve a book with the Space Needle and a cat on the cover grew a bit thicker.

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-



Sorry about the unexpected Italics. My fault. Forgot a slash in the EzCode. Gleep. Never post when tired and rushed. Silly Jixer trick there.



Sorry!



J

[barnabasvamp]

Great update..

Glad Dawn found somewhere safe to be until she finds Tara.



Tara always forgives Willow, and loves her- nice touch

BV

"In front of total strangers won't you kiss me, Flowers for no reason but you miss me - OOH, I wanna be in love"

Melissa Etheridge-Skin

[Grimlock72]

Tara remembers very little, thats scaring me a bit. This line also doesn't help: "Even after that s-scary w-women the, the one w-w-who gave me that stuff...". We'll so how that goes..



Homeland Security, hm.... (E)OIS anyone ?? .



Can't comment much on the rest since it will probably be explained on the next update anyway



Grimmy

"Why w-w-would anyone leave Willow?" It was a concept Tara just could not grasp. -- I Dream of Thee by Jomarch

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-



I am very sorry this took so long to get posted. My fault.



Thanks for your kind words and time.



J

[jixer]

Lost Pages Update #4

Author: Jixer

Spoilers: Up through the end of Season 6

WARNINGS: Moderate Kitten Angst Advisory. This is after Season 6.





Willow sat at the older computer and accessed her searches. Tara was on the phone, canceling a work shift at a coffee place and making inquiries at three different charities. When she'd finished the last of her calls she leaned over Willow's shoulder. The hacker smiled at the safe, familiar feeling of Tara behind her. But something troubled her.



"When is Tara time?" Willow asked.



"Tara time?" Tara replied hesitantly.



"Volunteering time, working time, but no Tara time," Willow said turning to meet blue eyes. "Time for just Tara to go out and be Tara, which is a way good thing, at least I think so."



"I don't, um, you know..." Tara tried to find words that fit.



"You were that lonely?" Willow asked weakly. "Didn't anybody see what was in front of them?"



"I didn't want them too," Tara said softly. "Every time I thought of, you know..."



"Moving on after the crazy redhead?" Willow asked harshly. "The one who nearly got you killed? That stupid bitch?"



"Stop it, baby," Tara begged. "Please. It hurts me to see you so down on yourself. Please don't do this to my girl. Don't you know I love you?"



"Why?" Willow asked letting the tears finally come.



Tara just held her until she could see again. Then Willow turned back to the computer and sighed. There had been no results.



"Nothing," Willow said bitterly.



"There's one shelter I volunteer at I couldn't get through to," Tara said hopefully. "Sister Frank knows a lot of what's happening around Capitol Hill. She hears a lot and there are some kids that are regulars. We could ask there."



"Let's try it," Willow said in a defeated tone.



"Are you all right?" Tara asked carefully.



Willow smiled brightly, too brightly. The smile faded under Tara's concerned gaze. She shrugged and looked wistfully at her girl.



"I'm getting there, but I guess I've found out I can't do it alone," she said sincerely. "I mean I'm better just knowing you're all right, except for not having a girlfriend, which is a good thing now, I hope, because I'm back and, wow, you still want me which would be messy with a girlfriend and I'm not big with the butch so I'd lose you and that would be so bad."



"You won't lose me, and you're not alone," Tara said with a smile. "Gosh, I missed Willowbabble."



"Did you miss any other Willow things?" Willow asked and wondered why her mouth was suddenly dry but her palms were sweating.



"Yes," Tara said with a lopsided grin and downcast eyes. Then she looked up and met Willow's eyes without changing her smile. Willow understood why she felt the way she did then.



"I was afraid you were going to say no," she confessed. "Or 'but' and that would have been worse."



"We, we need to go to the shelter," Tara said reluctantly.



"Do you really think we can find her?" Willow asked as she stood up, her hopeful mood broken by the thought of Dawn on the streets for another night.



"Yes," Tara said surely. "We'll find her. It will take time but we'll find her."



"I don't want it to take time," Willow said with a sigh. "I want her safe now. I want both of the girls in my life safe."



"Baby, we'll find her just don't, you know, get your hopes up too high," Tara said as she pulled on her coat.



They walked into the coming evening. Willow was surprised at how easily Tara interacted with her neighbors and the people that passed by. It seemed dozens of people knew her and had a smile for her. In a few blocks Willow was also realizing Tara had been walking up and down Seattle hills longer than she had.



"Why couldn't we drive?" Willow almost panted.



"In Seattle?" Tara asked in mock horror. "On Capitol Hill? I'm not that brave, let alone the endangered species status of parking spaces."



"Just because you never learned to drive, which is illegal in California, I might add, I have to play Willow the mountain goat?" she groused amiably.



"That too," Tara admitted with a smile as she took her love's hand. "But it keeps you firm in nice places."



"Meaning I'm not firm enough now?" Willow teased half-heartedly.



"No," Tara said with a faint blush.



Willow smiled shyly. The feeling that this was all somehow too good to be true kept whispering in the back of her mind. She couldn't believe some woman hadn't seen the treasure she was walking down the street with. Then the thought that Tara had deliberately missed those chances made her feel unworthy. Would Tara be better off without her?



That thought chilled her and she shivered as they stopped at a clean but somewhat run-down house. Willow noted that Tara had a key to the place. She let them in. Inside the same clean but patched up feeling was redoubled. Several women looked up at their entry. One of them, little more than a girl with a child in both her arms and belly smiled at Tara shyly.



"Hi, Maureen, everybody, this is Willow, she's a, a friend of mine," Tara said with a smile. "Is Sister Frances in the back?"



"With a new girl," an old woman said pointing. "Polite little thing, too."



"Polite?" Willow asked hopefully.



"Don't, baby," Tara said gently. She blushed as the old woman looked at Willow with raised eyebrows and several of the women smiled. "Thank you, Mrs. Greene."



"Well," Mrs. Greene said softly as she glared at Willow.



They walked toward the back. Willow leaned close to Tara.



"I don't think she likes me," she whispered.



"She's just a bit touchy with new people," Tara insisted. "She's really nice."



"Uh huh," Willow said nervously as an older woman in sensible clothes came out of the kitchen.



"Hi, Sister," Tara said brightly. "This is Willow."



"Hello," the nun said evenly. "Tara, we need to talk."



Willow looked down at a pressure on her leg that felt familiar. She looked down at a black and white face staring up at her. She felt her heart pound.



"T-T-T-" she whispered tightly.



"Sister, I think the rice is-" Dawn said as she opened the kitchen door. "TARA!" Dawn squealed joyously. A dark haired whirlwind wrapped itself around Tara. Miss Kitty yowled and pawed Willow's knee. Dawn looked over at the redhead.



"Hi-" Willow got out before she had most of her breath squeezed out. What amazed her was that somehow Dawn didn't seem loosen her grip on Tara. There was a tangle of hugs and crying until Miss Kitty resorted to using her claws on Tara's jeans. Then she was added to the embrace. She rubbed everyone making sure they were hers.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dawn and Tara helped with the meal and shared the eclectic dinner. Willow counted a total of sixteen women and children around the three tables. She felt like she wasn't very useful. Tara and Dawn seemed to be tireless and efficient as they helped with dinner. It wasn't until she was cleaning up that she felt she actually was doing something. As she finished up Mrs. Greene hobbled over to her. The old woman looked at her levelly.



"That Tara, she's the way the good lord made her," she said pleasantly. "I'd hate to see some minx use her for fun and break her heart. I wouldn't want to be that woman later. You have a nice night."



Willow watched her walk away unevenly with a shocked expression on her face.



"What's wrong, love?" Tara asked after a moment.



"I think I've been threatened by a grandma," Willow replied. "A scary one."



"Oh, I'm sure you just misunderstood," Tara said gently. "Mrs. Greene is a pussycat really."



Willow looked down at Miss Kitty, who was staying near Tara. She suns herself and doesn't do much but she's got claws and pointy teeth when she's angry, she thought.



"Yep, just a cat," Willow agreed. "Did Sister want to see us both or all or just you, which would be all right since I'm not sure how a kind of Reform Jewish girl is supposed to behave right now what with her being a nun and all."



"Willow, it'll be all right," Tara assured her. "She won't bite."



Tara took her back to a tiny office near the kitchen. Tara sat on an old stool, Willow beside her on a kitchen chair and Dawn sat on the floor in front of them. The girl seemed to lean back until her back touched both of them. The older woman nodded and pulled out an enormous official looking volume.



"Dawn, do you want to stay with Tara and Willow?" she started.



"Yes!" Dawn exclaimed happily. "I mean, yes, ma'am."



"Do you two think you're stable enough to support a teen age girl?" the nun asked bluntly. "And I mean support, that includes a place to live and food and medical coverage along with discipline and love."



"Yes," Tara answered immediately.



"Willow?" Sister Frances asked. The hacker seemed to freeze in her gaze. Then she noticed how tense Tara was and the pleading look in Dawn's eyes.



"I don't know if I'll ever be stable enough for this," Willow answered honestly. "I want to be, and I'm going to do my best, I mean my real best, not the best I think I can do or the best I've done before. I want them both safe and in my life. I need them. Just seeing Dawn and Tara together has made me happier than I thought I could be again. I can't lose this. But can we do this?"



Sister Frances leaned back and looked at each of them in turn. Since she had leaned back she had the most lap available and Miss Kitty helped herself to the warm perch. The nun reached out and rubbed the cat behind the ears. Then she tapped the large book.



"These are the regulations for foster child care in Washington State," she said levelly. "Quite frankly it would be hard for a same sex couple to adopt a child in the best of circumstances, and I'm not going to ask questions but I'd hazard right now isn't the best of circumstances, is it?"



"No," Tara admitted softly as Willow shook her head.



"But-" Dawn started urgently. The older woman held up her hand.



"When Dawn first came here she claimed the name Maclay," she said. "In today's world the last name's and relationships are getting so fuzzy I can't be expected to know every permutation of family relationships of the people who come to me for help. But I would need to know, just to be sure things like insurance were covered, that there was some connection. Why don't you take Dawn out to Pizzeria Pagliacci and catch up. You can come back tomorrow and tell me how things fit."



"After we get Miss Kitty home," Dawn said firmly, then she looked at the two women. "Where is home?"



"Wherever you two are," Willow said as Dawn stood up and picked up the cat. "Sorry, Miss Kitty. You three."



"And you," Dawn insisted as Tara grasped Willow's hand.



Willow held back as Tara and Dawn left the office. She looked at the nun sitting at the old desk.



"Why?" she asked, unsure exactly how to put the rest of her question.



"Consider it an act of faith," the older woman answered with a tired smile.



Willow nodded and turned away to follow the other two.



"By the way," Frances added, "I had better see you going to temple, and not just on Yom Kippur young lady."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Miss Kitty was busy sniffing and rubbing things in the apartment when they left for pizza. It was an almost giddy meal for Dawn, who over indulged and nearly nodded off into her food. The three of them headed back to Tara's apartment to find the cat on the bed and cat hair mysteriously on the tiny kitchen counter. Dawn was assigned the bed for the evening and bundled into a spare pair of sweats. She was asleep before her head was firmly on the pillow.



Willow and Tara stayed up later and spoke in soft tones about the realities of living together. The apartment did not allow cats or children. Anyone staying more than three days was considered a tenant and the rent would go up. And it was small for one person, let alone two adults and a teenager.



"I'm kind of between hotels," Willow admitted. "And my laptop got stolen."



"I'm sorry," Tara said frowning. "I don't like the thought of you without a computer. You can use Lester, but don't, you know, change things too much."



"Lester?" Willow asked quizzically. "Oh, the iMac. I won't hurt a chip in it's lime green body."



"She's going to need clothes," Tara said after a second. "And so are you, since you never borrow my stuff unless it's laundry day."



"More like a no laundry of any sort day," Willow said with a wince. "I could almost forgive the computer, but my Hello Kitty T shirt? They must be hunted down and smacked around by guys named Otto and Carmine."



"I've got some money put back," Tara pointed out.



"Your school money," Willow said guiltily. "I've got space on my credit card yet."



"No," Tara said firmly. "That's emergency funds only. I'm-I'm not going to be in debt. Never again."



Willow remained silent. Tara had hated the thought of being in debt for as long as she'd known her. Finally Willow broached the subject neither wanted to face.



"She needs to get back to school," Willow said looking toward the sleeping alcove. "What do we tell people?"



Their best effort was that Dawn was Tara's half sister. Tara used Joyce as their mother and simply said both fathers had disappeared. She and Willow filled in the blanks from there. It was not a good plan, but it was the best they had with the resources available. They'd work on it in the morning.



Willow looked at the couch and the sleeping girl. She gave a shrug and changed in the bathroom for bed. It seemed strange to change out of sight of Tara. She was a bit disappointed when Tara did the same. They laid next to each other on the futon and both knew there was so much that had yet to be dealt with. Finally Willow kissed Tara and turned away. Tara relaxed and a second later Willow felt the warm presence of Tara's arm over her side.



Dawn had a nightmare halfway through the night. Willow and Tara were fighting over Miss Kitty and she was the consolation prize. They were splitting up forever and soon she would be back on the street. A large man had her cornered when she awoke, scrunched up against a wall in a bed. There was a soft, unhappy meow as she got up and peered out at the two women. She saw Tara's arm over Willow in the pale light from the street. She nearly broke out in a happy squeal. It was real. They were together and she was home. She went back to bed. She dreamed, but did not know it.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Willow and Dawn looked at the pile of mostly organized images. There still a few discrepancies. Glory's attack on Tara became a cult leader slipping drugs into her juice to get to Willow and Dawn for the herbal mix. An unpleasant milieu fit a pattern like the Aum Shinrikyo doomsday cult and white collar criminals mixed with gangs. And it was stopped by civilians, so it had been hushed up by the federal authorities to keep congress quiet.



"Looks more like a bad novel than a so called real life," a raven haired Willow said dismissively. "You can do better with him. He's a genius."



"Who is she?" Dawn asked with a grimace.



"She's the last gasp of whatever it was that destroyed our world and..." Willow glared at the dark haired figure. "I nearly forgot he killed her because having her back has been so right nothing else could have been real."



"We're supposed to go back and be what?" Dawn asked furiously. "Happy and fulfilled little plastic people? Chase pretty boys and hunt safe monsters in Sunnydale turned Pleasantville? All without Tara, because she didn't fit?"



"You could have a future," the black haired Willow said urgently.



"I have a future here!" Dawn said angrily. "It has two big sisters who want me and a lack of rapists for babysitters. I just wish to God I could have gotten Buffy out."



"You can save her!" the other Willow shouted. "It's not too late!"



Dawn looked down. Willow touched her shoulder. The girl shook for a second and then smiled bravely at Willow. She turned to the thing that wore her friend's face.



"She's lost, and everything she fought for is lost too if I go back," Dawn said brokenly. "Go back to it and tell him I hate what he did, I'm not coming back and to fuck off."



"Language," Willow said quickly. "You heard her, so go away."



The dark haired Willow popped like a soap bubble. Dawn looked down.



"I can't say goodbye, can I?" she asked in whisper.



"No," Willow said flatly.



"Let's go home," Dawn said with a weak but real smile. "I won't remember this, will I?"



"I hope not," Willow said with a shiver.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



In Sunnydale at the Summers home Xander expounded on the need for safety with magic to Dawn while she and a smiling Willow nodded at his sagacity. In the basement a crack wavered for a long moment and then disappeared like it had never been there.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



In the morning Dawn awoke to a gray Seattle day. She looked around the kitchen for something to eat. When Tara stirred on the futon she realized that something hadn't happened last night no doubt due to her. She frowned, than smiled as she got dressed quickly in sweats and her blouse. By then Willow was denying gray constituted morning.



"Welcome to the Pacific Northwest," Tara said with a yawn.



"I'm kind of hungry," she announced to the blinking pair. "So I'm going over to that bakery and getting a mocha, maybe read the paper."



"With what?" Tara asked.



"Oh, here," Willow said rummaging through her pockets for a wad of small bills. "Bring back a couple of croissants and a mocha, a big one."



"I'm going to be gone for a while," Dawn said pointedly. "Maybe an hour or so." With that she went to the door and looked back. "I'll be back in an hour or a bit longer. Got a key, don't wait for me, bye."



"What was that all about?" Willow asked as Tara looked away with a blush. "Oh."



They sat down on the futon and just looked at the door. They both shook their heads gently.



"She doesn't understand," Tara said sadly.



"Yeah, there's things we need to work out," Willow said. "It's good, but we need to get back to that place, you know, where we were before."



"I, um, liked that place," Tara said with a smile.



"So did I, baby," Willow said.



Neither said anything for a long moment. Willow realized she had her hand on Tara's thigh and Tara was twirling her red hair gently. Willow turned and realized how close Tara's neck was. The shy girl had closed her eyes when Willow had turned to her and now her hand traced a soft pattern on Willow's neck. Willow repeated the pattern with small kisses. Tara gasped softly but didn't move.



"Lots of things," Tara whispered.



"Lots," Willow agreed. Then she kissed Tara's lips and pulled her back onto the futon. "Please," she begged. Tara's answer was wordless and urgent, but neither was silent after just a few moments.



Dawn listened at the door for just a second more past that. She breathed a sigh of relief.



"Looks like I'm reading the whole paper, even the sports section," she said to herself.



Behind her two lovers gave without holding back and cherished what they were given as they relished sensations thought lost forever. There was pleasure, but mostly there was the afterward when warm arms held tight as echoes of shattering joy made beloved flesh tremble in the happiest of memories.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



On a pillar above the library's main floor the books with the cat and the Space Needle on them were back into the Mature Readers section. The librarian clucked softly but smiled just the same.

[xita]

YOu know what I love about your fic, you really have to put on your thinking cap to read it, pay attention and figure things out. You don't give us anything , we have to figure things out as the characters do and that can be confusing but it is also fun and rewarding. Keep it up!

-------------------------------

Buffy?

Let's change it, the Discovery channel has koala bears.

Edited by: xita  at: 10/28/02 11:43:36 pm

[barnabasvamp]

Boy, so much to absorbe and understand. Great fic, keep it up, please.

BV

"In front of total strangers won't you kiss me, Flowers for no reason but you miss me - OOH, I wanna be in love"

Melissa Etheridge-Skin

[mollyig]

She couldn't believe some woman hadn't seen the treasure she was walking down the street with Willow's disbelief is also indicative of her low self worth.



I'm so glad that they met up with Dawn and Miss Kitty and that they're building a future together, anyway they can!



The librarian moving the book made me giggle.

Adding up the total of a love that's true, multiply life by the power of two
Indigo Girls

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-



My apologies for taking so much time away from this fiction. Some things had to be gotten over and dealt with before I could go on. They're dealt with, it's back and I'd like to thank everyone who keeps Pens going. I need this place and these Kittens.



Thank you all seems too little,





Jixer

[jixer]

Lost Pages Update #5

Author: Jixer

Spoilers: Up through the end of Season 6

WARNINGS: Moderate Kitten Angst Advisory. This is after Season 6.





Tara woke up and stretched reluctantly. The day was fading in a gray haze outside her window. She looked at the carefully organized papers awaiting her signature. She smiled as she signed Dawn up for school. She winced as she signed the lease for the new apartment. She glanced at the black and white cat with her leg in the air as she took a feline bath.



“With this pet deposit I expect we won’t see a single mouse,” Tara said with a rueful smile. The cat ignored her.



She picked up the last set of papers and stared at them. Willow’s note on the contract was somewhat encoded in computer terms Tara only knew from listening to her girlfriend. Tara looked at the numbers and felt her mouth get very dry. She knew Willow had just enough to cover this, but the fact that it was left to her signaled the redhead was serious about being her partner. Tara wished she could find a reason to say no and put the money back in savings but trust was a two way street. She signed the form. Now she and Willow had an option on five thousand shares of NR4 Inc, what ever they were.



The key turned in the lock and sighed. She’d hoped to get to work before Willow and Dawn had a chance to return. Dawn almost danced into the room twirling a pair of shopping bags.



“You wouldn’t believe what we found!” she said happily. “And we’re six cents under budget! We are the shopping elite!”



“Under budget as long as you don’t include the lunch or the milkshake break,” Willow added as she set down her bag. “How much time do we have?”



“I’ve got to shower and get going,” Tara said with a sigh. “Sorry.”



“Late shift waitressing is my new least favorite thing,” Willow said with a pout. “It takes away my cuddles.”



“I’ll be back on the last bus,” Tara promised. Then she kissed away Willow’s pout.



“Isn’t there some sort of emergency girlfriend’s needs clause here somewhere?” Willow asked wistfully.



“Sorry love, w-we need this job, especially if we want a new apartment and have money for the other thing,” Tara said quietly. “It’s the money maker.”



“So this place has good tips?” Dawn asked looking at Tara’s black skirt and white blouse. “It must be really spendy. Can we go along and see it? Just to look?”



“No!” Tara said quickly. “It’s a club and they’re, um, very s-standoffish s-snobby people. You wouldn’t like it.”



“Oh,” Dawn said with a frown. “I thought it was like a nightclub.”



“No,” Tara said more calmly. “I just work there because the tips are good. I’ve got to get moving.”



“So what do you know about this place?” Dawn asked Willow as the bathroom door closed.



“Good money, bad benefits,” Willow said. “She doesn’t like talking about it much. They must be real beauties to work for.”



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Willow glanced through the papers Tara had signed and smiled when she came to the NR4 options. Willow knew half a dozen players wanted NR4’s technology for hard drive readers. It was the one aspect of the high tech industry that might be a very bright spot. Dawn looked up from the study questions Willow had made for her to get ready for going back to school.



“So what’s on the paper?” she asked in a soft, off handed way. “Gay erotica?”



“WHAT?” Willow screeched as she looked at Dawn who batted her eyes innocently.



“Sorry,” Dawn finally giggled. “I’m teasing the pining redhead.”



“Quick way to not need school anymore, missy!” Willow said in a warning tone.



“I won’t do it again,” Dawn insisted.



“Right,” Willow said with a small smile.



Willow watched Dawn struggle at some of the preparatory homework. The girl didn’t ask for help though and Willow felt pride as Dawn checked her figures and spelling. She even used the lime green iMac just to find information and didn’t give in to her urge to just browse the newest pop music websites. Finally the girl closed the notebook and handed it to over.



“Dawn, are you okay with all of this?” Willow asked as she looked through the notebook.



“The school stuff or the life stuff?” Dawn asked quietly.



“Both,” Willow said with a worried tone.



“I’m still kind of weak in the math,” Dawn admitted.



“How about living with us?” Willow asked carefully.



“It’s good,” Dawn said with a sad smile. “I miss my sister so much it hurts. But I know everything is going to be okay. You know what’s weird?”



“What?” Willow asked leaning forward.



“When you two kiss, I feel better,” Dawn admitted as she looked down.



“I’ll try to make you feel better a lot,” Willow promised.



Dawn just smiled.





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Tara stepped away from her tiny locker in the waitresses’ room. She tried once more to pull down the miniskirt. Her feet were already smarting in the heels.



“Geez, Tara,” a stunning blonde said as she appeared at a much nicer dressing room’s door and pulled on a fur coat. “Bad night at the tuna factory? Get my stuff. I’m on in five.”



Tara picked up a misting bottle and pair of towels as she followed the woman back to the club. Tara dropped off the things carefully and headed for the bar. The music and the smoke hit her at the same time.



“Busy night,” Jason the bartender said with a leering smile. “I could be persuaded to let you work the back room.”



Tara just shook her head. She took his frown and her equipment without looking up. Then she went out into the mass of tables and men.



“Let’s have a big hand for Chantrel,” came over the sound system. Onstage a girl with dark ringlets for hair and café au lait skin stepped back into the light and bowed slowly, pulling herself up with the chrome pole at her side. She walked around the stage, picking up money and smiling at the customers. Her proud breasts swung unfettered as she leaned out to talk to a few more generous patrons.



Tara took orders from a table of men newly seated. Their clothes and toys screamed money. She took the orders for expensive drinks and exotic beers. She eeled through the crowd. Chantrel passed her on the way to a private booth.



“Dom Perignon, booth ten,” she said quietly.



“You got it, Janice,” Tara said with a nod.



“Thanks, Tar,” the girls said quickly, then she looked at her. “You okay?”



“Tawny,” Tara said. The other girl rolled her eyes and shook her head. “But my girlfriend’s back,” Tara added with a smile.



“Good for you, Tar!” Janice said with a chuckle.



They parted and Tara made her way to the bar. She gave her order and watched Jason carefully. She was the one who had to bear the brunt of the customer’s anger if he shorted the drinks. She’d learned the hard way.



“Now, gentlemen, the moment we’ve been waiting for,” the announcer said eagerly. “She’s our own girl with the body of a slut and the face of an angel. Give it up for…TAWNY!”



Tara took back the order with care and speed. The men paid with twenties and mumbled something about keeping the change as they stared at the natural blonde shyly slipping into the light on the center stage. Tara left them most of the change. She took the champagne to Janice. The patron’s eyes lit up happily as he saw the bottle and ogled Tara. He handed her a hundred and waved her off. Tara hurried back to her section.



The orders came quietly and fast as Tawny shed clothes and innocence on stage. Tara hurried through the dense pack of tables. Other girls had the fringes and private booths. All were busy. The owner watched the staff carefully, unless Tawny was on stage. Tara kept her eyes on the job. Somehow in this place it was easy to do, especially with Tawny on the stage.



She didn’t know why the blonde disliked her so much.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



“I know why she doesn’t like you, Tara,” Buffy said as she leaned back in a lounge chair and watched the TV set. “You never made a play for her. You’re gay so you should be falling over the bitch because she's just to pretty to ignore. She turns you down, not the other way around.”



The Slayer frowned. She’d been spending more time here watching this, her favorite program, then having Slayer visions when she meditated. Or maybe this was just a dream from sleep. She didn’t know which, or really care anymore. The world she woke to had become ugly and repetitious. It was better here. The evils her heroines faced though seemed far worse than vampires somehow.



“I’ve got to dream up some snacks and a drink next time,” she said with a sigh.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Tara opened the door to the apartment as quietly as she could. Her feet screamed, even in the soft walking shoes she’d changed into at the club. She took the bag with the smoke filled clothes and stuffed it under the bathroom sink. She stepped into the shower and washed her hair twice. She slipped into bed next to Willow as the clock turned to four. She was asleep before Willow rolled over and put an arm over her side.

[xita]

Oh this fic is back I am so happy. Still not fully sure what's going on. This much is true though, I love Dawn, this is the dawn who found her family with our girls. This world is so much darker and harder, but things are looking up for them!

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Tallulah Bankhead

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-



BAD writer! No mochas!



Sorry folks. I've been doing bits and pieces of this and the next stages are still rough. I'm putting this up now and trying to make sense of my own notes. Wish me luck.



Jixer

[jixer]

Lost Pages Update #6

Author: Jixer

Spoilers: Up through the end of Season 6

WARNINGS: Moderate Kitten Angst Advisory. This is after Season 6.





Willow wriggled out of bed and slipped carefully to the bathroom to change. Tara stirred but never awoke. Dawn was already up and had gotten doughnuts and coffee. Willow took hers gratefully as she closed the apartment door gently.



“Lots of sugar and caffeine,” Dawn said with a bit of a yawn. “Much moving of stuff, such as it is.”



“All of your new clothes could fit in a suitcase,” Willow said with a wry grin. “A huge one, with wheels.”



“Some of this stuff shouldn’t be moved, it should be given away,” Dawn said as she thought of the mismatched chairs and table. “Or burned.”



“It’s not all hers,” Willow said.



“Yours,” Dawn interjected. “Sharing, remember?”



“Ours,” Willow said with a slow, broad smile. “Most of the furniture came with the apartment. I have the list. We don’t have to move much.”



“So the small van wasn’t just economic necessity?” the teenager asked with a relieved tone.



“Nope,” Willow said with a yawn. “We just don’t have much. That and the fact I’m not driving anything big in this city. What is it with the hills and the no parking anywhere? Let’s go get our trucklet.”



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Willow was in a hurry to get things done, but that was balanced against her need to move through the tiny apartment quietly. All the furniture but the computer desk and an office chair recovered in a floral print were staying. Tara had purchased a mattress when she’d moved in and now that was on the end of Willow’s list to move. It seemed sad to Willow that Tara had so little. The only names in her small notebook by the phone were her work places and the shelter.



“What’s wrong?” Dawn asked in a whisper.



“She should have more friends,” Willow said distantly.



“I think she does,” Dawn said reassuringly. “It’s just that she doesn’t know how much people care for her.”



Willow was nodding when the phone screamed in the apartment. Willow jumped and then grabbed at the offending instrument before it could screech again.



“Yes?” she whispered crossly.



“Tara, I know you’re working but can I crash at your place?” a girl’s voice Willow almost knew asked roughly. “She’s using again and she’s…over to…oh God, Tara, he’s back.”



“Come here now,” Willow said calmly.



“Tara?” the voice managed to ask between sobs.



“No, it’s Willow,” the redhead said gently. “Get over here. Do you need a ride?”



“N-no,” she replied. “I’ll...I’ll be there soon.”



Willow glanced at Tara and sighed when she saw tired blue eyes looking at her with concern.



"That was that girl, Cora, the one from the shelter," Willow said with a frown. "She said he was back and her mother was using again, and I’m guessing it’s not hot chocolate. I invited her over."



Tara nodded, then looked around the apartment. She smiled at Willow and shook her head.



"How did you do all that so quietly?" she asked.



"Quietly?" Dawn asked with a suppressed giggle.



"You were kind of way asleep," Willow said with a shrug. "And we weren't that noisy."



"Thanks, both of you," Tara said as she sat up. "What's left?"



"What's in your dresser and the bed stuff," Dawn said brightly. "We even got the new beds set up. With extra heavy bolts on one."



"Brat," Willow said quickly. "Tara, do we need to call someone about Cora?"



"No," Tara said sadly. "A judge gave her back to her mother over objections from Family Services. She's kind of a lost cause to them. Sister keeps an eye on her when her mom's at the shelter and I try to get her out and sort of watch out for her."



"But, if her mom's using drugs..." Dawn started angrily.



"The judge is heavily into family values," Tara said tightly.



"Not my family I'll bet," Dawn said with a frown.



"No, you're probably right," Tara said as she looked for her clothes.



Willow handed her a bundle and leaned in to kiss her lover. She didn't miss Dawn's smile. There was a hesitant knock on the door. Willow looked out the viewer and unlocked the door. Cora stepped into the room and looked around with wide eyes.



"You're leaving?" she asked in a frightened voice.



"We're moving," Tara said soothingly. "Six whole blocks, same phone number. I was going to leave a message at the shelter but..."



"He'd find out," Dawn said surely. Cora shuddered.



"The cops have already been around," the lean dark haired girl said. "I'm afraid she's not gonna stop this time and, and..."



Tara wrapped her arms around the girl and let her hide for a second. Tara looked pleadingly at Willow. Dawn held her breath.



"Cora, ever hear of sweat equity?" Willow asked evenly.



"Fix it up and own it?" the girl asked shakily. "Like you do for a house?"



"Exactly," Willow replied. "Only with prices around here you'd sweat an ocean. How about you help us get my sleepy girlfriend here moved and you can crash with us until things make sense."



"That long?" Cora asked with a sad smile.



"Okay, how about less crazy?" Dawn asked quickly. "You can help wrangle the cat."



"I like animals," Cora answered with the first smile Willow had seen from her.



"Let's get this show on the road," Willow said firmly. "Dawn has the boxes for everything except for that damned...thing."



Willow looked at the locked gun case Tara had pulled out of the dresser and tried to keep herself calm. She hated handguns and didn't know why. The sight of one near Tara made her want to pull the shy young woman away from the device. The fact that Tara had to carry one on her security job to earn the benefits to cover herself and Dawn seemed to the redhead to be the cruelest mocking of fate. When the cased firearm disappeared into a box she breathed easier.



They stripped the sheets from the bed Tara had been sleeping in and bundled them into the last box as Tara changed. Tara smiled when she stepped out of the bathroom as the lid closed.



"Perfect packing planning, love," she said.



"You expected anything else from the mistress of color coordinated lists?" Dawn chirped up.



"It's a good thing you're young and strong and we have boxes to move," Willow warned. "Where did we go wrong?"



"We turned down the offer from the circus," Tara quipped as she shut the door on the old apartment. She stopped for half a moment. It had only been a home since she had found Willow again, but it was the first place they had shared since a dorm room at...UCLA. The tiny confines had been home to their tiny family of Dawn and Miss Kitty as well. Tara touched the door gently and then turned away. The new apartment would be a beginning, a place chosen to hold the most precious things in the world. Tara hurried down the stairs.



She had to go to work tonight, but she would be coming home.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



High over the library’s main floor the small room had become fuller. The shelves groaned with volumes of art and poetry cheek by jowl with prose of every conceivable form. There were the regulars who came in everyday and the often puzzled newcomers who ended up staying longer than they expected. In this room the world seemed to make sense.



On the floor the old librarian and the orang-utang were pushing a flat cart full of books and graphic novels to the stacks. These were no longer in demand. The old man shook his head as they passed the client and wondered at the irony of pushing the rejected detritus of ideas and plots past their author. The ape smiled at the man but the client was too busy to notice as he waved to a person with an entourage. They did not wave back.



“Do you know them?” a teenager asked in awe. The client smiled and told the youth what he had created.



“Whatever,” the teen replied and shrugged as he drifted off.



The client watched the child walk away. His mouth flopped open and pain showed in his eyes. He turned away and felt smaller and older than when he had come here today.

Edited by: jixer at: 3/6/03 3:14:21 am

[tiredsoul]

**shamelessly creeping into the thread**



I fell behind and couldn’t get up but thanks to the mental alert system I now have (as seen on TV), I’m all better



jixer, this is an awesome AU you’ve got going here. While I may get confused in some places, I find myself slapping my forehead with a ‘duh’ when the fog clears. Any story that actually makes me think and allows me to put together the pieces is good in my book.



I like how you’ve interwoven the timelines and the way that the library is shaping up. You've reclaimed the characters in a facinating way, giving them different memories and experiences but allowing their basic personalities to shine through. I love it. And the jabs throughout are cracking me up. This is how it could have been after S6 and been much more entertaining.



Thanks for writing and sharing this. I look forward to the next piece of the puzzle.



--celia

---------------------------------

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-



Thank you, tiredsoul! The fact is Kittens are too clever for me most of the time. Even so writing for such a group is a joy in part because of the care and thought of the feedback in Pens keeps you writing your best. The thought of disappointed Kittens is just too terrible to contemplate.



Thank you everyone,





Jixer

[xita]

I am back and at first I thought I was reading your other fic and then I realized and I was so silly I had to reread. Anyway, good to see this back again. The details similar but not quite so, poor Willow worried about Tara and that gun. Your world is so wonderful because even as grim and as poor as their situation is, it is full of love. It's something you don't find in certain shows out there It's compassion.

-----------------------------------

En un mundo de ilusión yo estaba desahuciado, yo estaba abandonado.

Vivía sin sentido, pero llegaste tú. -
Mana

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-



xita- Time for a confession here. Right now I'm going through one of those lean times, but not as lean as trying to restart in college while supporting a teenager. I've been in that working a bunch of small jobs to keep going stage when I was younger (without the teenager) before I returned to college. My lean time now is a bump in the road compared to then. Friends and family helped me, I helped others and we all got through that time. Compassion is easier to write when you've received it and had the chance to pass it on.



Things may never get easy for our girls, but they're not going it alone anymore. Besides, what is more luxurious than waking up beside the love of your life, or knowing you've made a difference in the life of a child?



Thanks xita and everyone.



Jixer