Tara was in a coat very much resembling the one Trinity from the Matrix wore, and her hair was pulled back in a parted ponytail. She smiled at me and of course screamed "Willow!!" at me and launched herself at me in a crushing hug. My heart warmed up at the small contact and I fell into her embrace.
All too soon, Jen tapped me on the shoulder and looked nervously around, clearly stating with her eyes that she was unsure of what to do. I motioned to her to follow me into the 'haunted garage' and we slipped behind the wall covering and into Avrie's house.
Avrie ushered us back outside to show us the fog machine which I enjoyed running around in, while watching Tara in the strobe light.
We all decided to start leaving to go around the neighborhood but me and Avrie stayed at her house for a little while. After a few minutes of just standing in her driveway, we gave up and ran down the street talking in British accents about scones and tea. After what seemed forever, we caught up with the small group and I tagged along slightly behind the rest. Tara noticed this, and saw how sad I was. She draped her arm around my shoulder and yet again, I felt myself falling into her embrace.
I told her about the cutting and how much it hurt to like Jen, when I was certain she didn't like me. When we reached Jen's house, we caught up to the other's with me still in Tara's arms as we walked. The night ended all too soon, and I knew that there was something there between me and Tara, something new and exciting.
Later that night I was talking to Jen on the net and something was clearly bothering her. I told her about how I felt about Tara, that it all just seemed to fit, and how perfect it felt. I stopped short, when she told me that she liked me. Immediantly I went into panic mode, telling her I was sorry about talking about Tara to her.
We spent the rest of the conversation talking about different things until we both noticed that at three am we were both too exhausted to say anything else.
I woke up the next day, my mind whirling with thoughts of Jen and Tara, not sure what to do. I knew that I had absolutely no chance with Tara, so I made a daring move that day. On one of our online journals, I asked Jen if she would go out with me, her reply-I'll answer you in health class on Monday.
Instead of getting an answer, all I got was an uncomfortable silence. The rest of the day, I was panicking. What if she said no? Would I be alone forever? My heart stopped at these thoughts and I almost sobbed in the middle of the hallway.
The answer finally came to me on the walk home from school. As Jen was about to depart to her house she looked at me and said the words that pierced my heart. She told me that she didn't feel that way about me, that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I held back the tears and said I understood as I left.
I stumbled home, my heart now with a hole embedded deep. I had to find somebody to like, so it would just hurt a little less. Something to just take away a little bit of the pain away. I beat myself up the rest of the week, telling myself that I wasn't good enough for anyone.
This continued even onto that Friday when I was at skating. I propped myself up against the outside wall, my eyes downcast, my heart hurting. Tara came over to me and asked me what was wrong, and I told her how much I hurt after what Jen had said. Her cousin came over and they both declared that I was going home with them for the night.
A small smile spread across my face at the thought of hanging with Tara for the night, and I rushed to the payphone in the snackbar. My grandmother confirmed that yes, I was allowed to go. Nothing could have prepared me for the good and bad feelings awaiting me that night.
TBC When you choose to hold the rose you are also agreeing to bleed.