NEW FIC:: Crystalline Snowfall

[Spot]

Hey there kittens!

I'm back with another fic (a lot sooner than i expected, actually) This one should be pretty short, i actually was working on a different fic when i watched the Disney movie 'Snowday' and this popped into my head.

Thing is, I'm still workin on that other fic right now (I haven't posted it yet but it's no where near done) so my time will be rather split, and since i'm posting this one as i write it, there may be a while in between updates (i can try to promise about once, maybe twice a week, but i cant guarantee that i'll be able to stick to it.) but i will finish it, no worries. Anyway, here it is, hope you like it!



-michelle



Title: Crystalline Snowfall

Author: Spot/Michelle, whatever

Rating: PG, at most PG13 by the end (but probably not, sorry to the smut starved kittens out there)

Summary: Willow and Tara are in high school, have been best friends for a while. This is set on a snowday from school, but that's pretty much all the backround i can give you, cuz while i have a basic idea of what will happen, i'm not sure of one major twist in the plot, so... actually, i probably shouldn't post yet, maybe get at least all the way into the real theme before i add this thread, but i'm really over-eager... and this is way off of the subject of "summary" huh? just read the first chapter to get an idea, maybe?

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in the Buffy verse, ME does, (see season 6 BtVS for proof) not making any money… don't sue me please… yada yada yada- you know what I'm saying.

Feedback: Do you really have to ask? YES PLEASE! (it makes the world go round)



Crystalline Snowfall



Prologue



My heart swells as I watched her radiant face through the frosted glass of my bedroom window. I still can't believe that this is happening.

It's been going on for… months now, and even still I try vainly to find other excuses for my feelings. But as her eyes meet mine, through the translucently pallid windowpane, and my world is enfulged in emerald green, I know it is true.



Willow walks calmly up to the window, grinning that charismatic, carefree grin that I know so well, and lays her forehead against it. Her lips move, but I cannot hear what she is saying through the barrier between us, so I instead lay my forehead too against the glass, so that we are only that one-half of a clear, solid, inch apart. As my focus moves to her pale pink, alluring lips, moving enticingly, only inches but still years away from mine, I don't even try to convince myself that I am only trying to construe what she is saying. If I was, I wouldn't need to lean so fully against the window like this, and my eyes wouldn't be mapping out every detail of her pale, freckled, face right now as my hands and lips ache to do.



I know very well what she is saying, I can read the body-language of my five-year best friend like the open pages of a book. The way she wraps her arms around herself and shivers exaggeratedly, how her bottom lip juts out in that adorable mock-pout, the faint pleading look in her wide, puppy-dog green eyes; they all speak volumes to me, to put it dramatically.

She wants me to let her into my room, through the open window, as I have done every morning since the day we became friends, so long ago. I have always been more than happy to comply. Today, though, my feelings have reached yet another new level in the millions of endless planes that seem to lie in my heart when it comes to her. Today, I need just one more second to compose myself, to hide all traces of this wonderful, exquisite, breathtaking essence of her that fills my soul; the one that it slowly tearing me apart inside.



Because I am required to hide it all, I can never tell her. It scared me more than I have ever thought possible, when all the small signs added up, finally, to reveal my feelings. I know that I could never handle the rejection, the revulsion I would meet, if I spoke a single word of what I felt. She's most definitely straight; she still thinks I am. I couldn't handle it if she hated me; I couldn't handle it if she walked away from our friendship that I treasure so much.

So I have to hide. I can give her my heart- hell, I can't not give it to her; but I may not let her see it. I can accept that it will drag my soul along with it as it leaves to find hers, so long as she doesn't feel my sacrifice beating inside of her. No matter what I feel, she can never see how much she really means to me.



Taking a deep breath I open the window, holding out a hand to catch hers and help her up through it, into my room on the first floor of my family's house. I try futilely not to concentrate on her smooth skin rubbing against my palm , or the way her fingers slip perfectly into mine, our hands two pieces of a puzzle. My face has a smile on it, one that hopefully reaches my eyes, at least slightly, but my soul is as flat and empty as a clean plate. It is the only way I can obscure the emotions, all of my caring for her, from my face.

I wonder anew each morning how I have held up until now, and exactly how long I can keep doing this. Every morning I try to figure out a way to get out of the impossible situation I'm in before it tears me apart.

They make it look romantic, in the movies and the novels. But in truth, it's unbearably soul-wrenching, when you fall in love with your straight best friend.



Thanks for reading! Tell me what you thought!

-michelle

"Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, and trusting them not to."

Edited by: maudmac  at: 10/26/03 5:33 pm

[russ]

I thought ... a well-written, dramatic look into Tara's heart, as she suffers with "the love that dare not speak its name." I like her description of Willow, and the way she reads her body language. I wonder, though, if she knows Willow as well as she thinks. Wouldn't be surprised if the same sort of thoughts are going through Willow's mind. Chances are Willow isn't thinking Tara's "definitely straight." After all, best friends for five years, she's bound to have given herself away without realizing it.



Are you going to stick with Tara's point of view, or alternate? Either way could work, as the two overcome their expectations and learn to be honest with each other and to trust in love.



This story must be set somewhere other than Sunnydale; at least, I don't think they have snow days in Southern California. Lots of details of setting, other characters, etc., I'm sure will come out as the story develops.



A nice start, Michelle. Looking forward to the rest.



Russ

[allykat]

Great start!!

I just love angst...



Can't wait for an update!!

[Sleek]

Michelle,



The thing about falling in love with a best friend -- straight or not -- is that the friendship could either soar..or shatter..when you've taken it to the romantic level.



Some friendhips can never be the same again.. Just my thoughts.



Just keep writing and don't be afraid to spill yourself on these pages.



Sleek

[LostWithoutTara]

Oh, delicious, well-written angst, how I love thee, even if thou reminds me of my own painful experiences...



Um, got a bit distracted there.



Wonderful start, your descriptions are beautiful. I'd love to read more.

Every time you walk away, I pretend that I'm okay

[kindagay]

Wow!







Your writing style is amazing & this fic is wonderful.

I've been through the 'falling in love with your straight best friend' thing (like many other people on the board) & what Tara's going through was written so beatifully. It truly touched me.



I know I don't have to ask, 'cos it's Willow & Tara, but please please let them have the happy ending that I didn't get to have.



Keep up the brilliant work.



Hugs

Jeanne

----------



Posh flowers make me feel groovy - My niece

[mxgirl314]

So far I love this fic. It looks like its gonna be a good one. Can't wait for more.

[undertheirspell]

Michelle,



Love the way you are setting up this story.



More Soon??

Gina



----------

"The only thing that matters is just following your heart and eventually you'll get it right." ~~~ In This Diary, By - The Ataris

[fluffylamb]

Michelle, this is beautifully written and so easy to identify with. I'm sure just about everybody who reads this is going to think back to that one friend that they loved, but could never tell for whatever reason.

Quote:

---

but my soul is as flat and empty as a clean plate

---

This is a fantastic image, a great way to make visual how Tara is feeling.

Quote:

---

I know that I could never handle the rejection, the revulsion I would meet, if I spoke a single word of what I felt.

---

This reminded me of how Tara felt about her "demon heritage." Her love for Willow is her secret tormenting demon here. Poor Tara.



Thanks for this and I look forward to more.



Kerry

"In fluent aphasia the subject talks at great length, but are unaware that what they are saying makes no sense."
Art said, "I know a lot of people with that problem." -Kim Stanley Robinson's Blue Mars

[Spot]

Hey Again! Thanx to you all for reading and the great feedback. I was sort of nervous about posting the story; mostly due to the fact that it wasn't sure the emotions would be powerful enough, cuz of my own *coughs* lack of experience (in more ways than one). I almost have Ch. 1 done, i can almost guarantee(is that spelled right?) an update by tonight. also sorry i cant post my individual replies right now, kinda have to go to school, but iread them and thank you, and i wil reply to them later. thankz!

-michelle

"Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, and trusting them not to."

[willowsgirl]

Hey Michelle! Just needed to let you know dont be nervous, the kittens on this board will give you nothing but compliments if you keep writing such a wonderful story! Im really looking forward to an update Dont suppose you really wanna update in the next 4 hours or so do ya? I gotta go out and want my fix b4 I go! lol

Oh,and the emotions are definitely powerful, Im sure others who've been there and done that (falling for a straight girl) as well as me will agree.

Thanks!

willowsgirl xx

[WannaFriendsBe]

Hi Michelle,



As I said to you in my own thread I'm keeping my promise to do better with feedbacks & you're the first person I'm giving feedback to....



This fic is so wonderful. You really have nothing to worry or be nervous about. You're doing a great job!!



I particularly love fics like this - mostly because the moment Willow and Tara finally come together in one true love always makes me go all warm and fuzzy inside... sigh! I'm a hopeless romantic!



The angst and waiting just kills me - but it is sooo worth the wait when we get the lovey dovey stuff - and you write emotions so well. Can't wait to read more!!



WFB

[Eternal Phoenix]

wow, this is truly awesome...

I congrad you

Keep it up. i love it so far. i really like your writing style.



Phoenix

~ I live in my own little world, but it's ok...they know me here.~

[Spot]

Hey there kittens!

I have less than 1 hour of work left on ch.1, and then i will be able to post it.

It would be done by now, but the stupid high school bus was an hour and a half late and my laptop was out of charge, so I am that much behind

Taking some time now for replies, then i'll finish it. Thanks!

-michelle



Russ: Before i start, i must give you the becuz you replied first (i have seen other authors do that and it looked fun). Thank you for the in-depth reply! to answer your questions, i will continue the story from Tara's POV; although i did consider switching back and forth.

And yes, the story is somewhere other than Sunnydale, although i haven't picked exactly where yet. I am all too aware of the lack of snow in So. Ca, i live here. (even if lots of fires are causing a rain of ash right now, no joke) more backround info will come out in the next few chapters. Thanks again!



allykat: Hey, thanks! glad you like the angst, i seem to have a problem with writing too much of it, but hopefully not in this fic. Thanx for reading and the feedback!



Sleek: Hey! thanks for checking this fic out and for your thoughts. I feel for the kittens who have gone through what i'm writing about. Thanx for the advice, i'll keep it in mind. hope you enjoy the next update!



LostWithoutTara: Hehe. thank you for the compliments, and i'm sorry for whatever painful experiences thee refers to. I forgot to tell you in the replies to shattered mirror, i your sig (big michelle branch fan) thanx for reading!



Jeanne: wow thanx! glad you liked it! i can promise you a happy ending (like you said, it's Willow and Tara) and also am sorry for the happy ending you didn't get. Thanx for the kind words!



mxgirl314: Hey! Glad you liked it. Hope you enjoy the next part, more's on they way!





Gina: Glad you enjoyed it! Thanx for the feedback. Update soming up soon!



Kerry: Thank you! I'm glad you liked the first part of this, and thanx for the feedback. I hadn't thought about it that way, but now that you point it out, her thoughts remind me a lot of her feelings towards the demon in other fics i've read and the other one i'm writing. Hope you like the next part!



Willowsgirl:hehe thank you. lol. Sorry about denying you ur fix, but i promise to give it to you soon. almost nowish. thanx for the encouragement! hope you like ch.1



WannaFriendsBe: Thanks! I know what you mean about the eventual love, i too am a hopeless romantic (and proud of it) thanx for reading!



Eternal Pheonix: thank you! glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the congrad and for reading! By the way, i really like your name. (pheonixs are cool)



off to write the end of ch. 1! c ya later!



-michelle

"Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, and trusting them not to."

[Spot]

Hey Again!

Back with chapter 2! sorry it did take a little more than an hour, kinda forgot to account for dinner with the family. But I finished it, so here you go. Thanks for reading!



Ch.1



Her smile melts my emotionless core the minute she hops over the windowsill and plops down unceremoniously on my bed, her grin like raging fire to the mask of ice I develop every cold morning to hide the love I feel for her. I move, out of habit, to sit on the floor beside her feet, laying the side of my head against the knee of her graceful legs. About four months ago, I would sit on the bed with her, but now… my mind moves quickly back to the day that seems eternities away, the day that my eyes began to open.



We had been talking about something, some guy I think, and out of the blue, she had leaned her head over to lie on my shoulder. It wasn't an uncomfortable, or even unfamiliar position for us; as best friends for so long we were very comfortable physically with each other. But that day, as her flaming red locks had spilled down my back and over my shoulders, I had felt something more, so much more than I could comprehend.

Her hand had somehow found its way into mine, lacing our fingers naturally together. Her breath was warm against my neck, her body pressed ever so slightly against mine easily dispelling all the chill of the cool morning air.

It had confused me so much; trying to understand, while the shivers she caused coursed through me, why the well-known contact made me feel like this. It had taken me a while to place the emotions that welled up in my heart, and the results I found had frozen me like a block of ice. I hadn't wanted to accept the truth of my feelings; I still didn't want to now.



So I sit on the floor, where the only thing to tempt my speculative imagination is her well-built leg against my ribcage, and her fingers flowing effortlessly through my hair.



“Tara?” Her inquisitive voice pulls me effortlessly from my thoughts.

“Huh?” I turn to face her as her fingers disentangle themselves from my hair, my own hand pulling away from where it had apparently been toying with the rough fabric of her snow pants.

“Where'd you go?” She asks softly, a tiny hint of playfulness finding its way into her musical voice.

“Wh-why?” I stammer, blushing and ducking my head to hide behind the comforting, dark-gold screen of my hair. How had she known that I wasn't really listening? She only grins impishly at my question.

“I just sat here for five minutes talking about Xander and the snow day, moved on to skiing, and even managed to fit something in about me giving birth to an alien when I guessed that you weren't listening, and you didn't tease me once about babbling for like the first time since we met.”



The sparkle that enters her eyes and the melodic lilt that accompanied her voice when she teases me always makes my stomach do flips, and today is no exception. As her words sink in, though, the flipping begins to feel much more like sinking. It always does when she speaks of Xander. I can't help not liking the guy; he was her “other” best friend, the one whom I had stolen the title from in the seventh grade. They aren't as close anymore; they hadn't been since he started dating Cordelia Chase in high school.



But that wasn't the factor that keeps me from liking him. The thing that does always makes me feel guilty.

See, freshman year, when Willow found him kissing Cordelia in the school library, she had been upset. Really upset. I had found her crying in her room later that night, and she wouldn't talk to even me about it. But she had let it out a few misery-filled days later- she had a massive crush on him. I never knew why that confession had bothered me, not until recently.



I can't like him, no matter how funny, nice, or witty he is, because he holds the key to Willow's heart. Without even trying, he found it, picked it up, and kept it with him. And he doesn't even know it. That is what bothers me the most- that Willow has spent two years pining after him, and he is too ignorant to even notice.



Either that or I am just the jealous, romantically hopeless best friend.



Her fingers resume their pattern through my hair, rubbing softly against my scalp. I struggle, as I always do, to suppress the shiver that runs through me at her touch.

“Tara.” She sings, bringing me back to reality again. “You're gone again.” I blush once more and try unsuccessfully to avoid the question that is written in her imploring eyes.

“Just, uh, thinking, s-sorry.” Willow gets a worried look on her face as I stutter, and I mentally curse myself. “W-what was that about a snow day?” Her eyes still contain a concerned gleam as she continues; she is all too aware of my change of subject; her face holds a hint of distraction as she elaborates on her earlier comment.

“Oh, guess you weren't listening then either, huh?” Her voice takes on a wry, humorous note, and some of the mischief finds its way back into her eyes.

I smile sheepishly, but don't answer, concentrating instead on not getting lost in her eyes as she meets my gaze.

“Well, as it so happens, we have a snow day from school today. I was making plans to spend it with my best friend, but, you know, if she'd rather think…”



She playfully stands up from the bed and walks again towards the window, grinning with her tongue sticking out from in between her teeth as she teases me.

“Oh no, don't think you're getting rid of me that easily.” I protest as I stumble over to the window to grab her jacket and pull her back to me, enjoying the melodic sound of her laughter as it flows over my ears like a clear spring.



As I step back towards my bed, pulling her with me, my foot catches on one of the many stuffed animals that clutter the floor of my room; Willow introduced me to the joy of the fuzzy dolls years ago. My hand seems to have a death grip on the textured material of her jacket, and as I fall down towards the floor of my room, it seems that I am watching in slow motion as she falls too… directly on top of me.



Suddenly I am where I have always wanted to be, with the exsquisite weight of her frame pressing torturously down onto my body, her arms on either side of my head entangled with mine, our legs intertwined. She slowly raises her head off of the floor to look at me, and I could almost swear that something like confusion crosses her face, but it is only a fleeting thought, gone from her eyes almost immediately.



Her head makes a movement so small that, if every particle of my being was not so centered on her face and body above me, I would not have noticed it.

Her head is, however, connected to the rest of her body, and the slight change in position causes her leg to rub against my thigh with a friction that, while entirely mind-bending, head-spinning, and delectably real, causes a bolt of pain to shoot through the leg I must have injured when I fell. I cannot suppress the grunt of pain that escapes my lips, and immediately the slow journey her head had been making, to what destination I do not know, halts immediately.



I know without question that my next few nights will be filled with fantasies about it's final path, even if I know each and every one of them is impossible.





TBC... (okay, i'm the first to admit not m greatest stopping point, but that's what i have written and i want to get the update up tonight so... tehre you go. tell me if you liked it... please?)

-michelle

"Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, and trusting them not to."

[willow fan7]

That was an amazing start!!!!! When it reached the end i was like, 'it CANNOT stop there!!!' .



I just love your style of writing and the simile's were incredible.

I love fics from Tara's POV, and you write it really really well. Really beautiful the way you described Tara's interpretation of Willow's body language...



Keep the angst coming, i'm a sucker for them!!! More soon please!!!

[famer]

I second that.



Love your fic. Great flow. Like the passivity of her actions but the deep well of thoughts and emotions. More please.

[LostWithoutTara]

Fantasic update. You capture the depths of Tara's emotions so well, and make what she's feeling so tangible, vulnerable and real. I'm really looking forward to the next part. PS - Glad you like my sig!

Every time you walk away, I pretend that I'm okay

[allykat]

Wonderful update!!!

You portray Tara's emotions extremely well.

I so love this story!!

I'll be here, waiting for an update!

[undertheirspell]

I lovin this fic!!



*puts hands in pockets and looks around to make sure no one is looking* I think most people can relate to how Tara is feeling.



I just have one question, are we going to read what Willow is thinking or is it just going to be Tara?



I am only asking because you have written Tara's emotions so well that I think you would do a great job with Willow’s as well.



Can’t wait for the next update!

Gina



----------

"The only thing that matters is just following your heart and eventually you'll get it right." ~~~ In This Diary, By - The Ataris

[kindagay]

Ok, first off all you get some more of these:



& a couple of these too:



I have to agree with everyone else, I love this fic!



I've said before that your writing style is amazing, I stand by that opinion.

The imagery you conger, how you describe Tara's feelings & thoughts, every word you write, is absolutely beautiful. You have so much talent as a writer & I feel honored to be able to read your work.



Personally, I think you ended in the perfect place, now I can spend all day imagining (like Tara) what Willow's final path could have been



Now I guess I'm just gonna have to wait with baited breath for the next part.

Keep up the good work (& when I say good, it's so much of an understatement)



Hugs

Jeanne

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Posh flowers make me feel groovy - My niece

[Grimlock72]

Awww...Tara hurt herself in the fall ... the good thing about that is that Willow can take care of her, heh. Poor Tara, she's not really repressing her thoughts about Willow she more or less punishing herself for having those thoughts. Can't be fun to go on and on like that, nor is it possible to keep it going forever.



If Tara doesn't think of some way to break the news to Willow, she'll probably find out some other way. Likely a less nice and controlled way, it's FAR better for Tara to take the initiative here... though she's probably scared to death of doing so .



Reading Tara's thoughts here is really heart-wrenching at times. So much self-inflicted pain which likely isn't nessecary. Even IF Willow weren't gay or didn't like Tara that way I doubt she would walk away from Tara because of Tara's feelings. Willow is just to loyal a friend for that, she made up with Xander after seeing him kiss Cordy after all...



Grimmy

--
"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

[gottalovewillow]

Just wanted to add my own accolades to the growing list! You are doing an absolutley wonderful job. Your writing style is amazing. You have a way of expressing emotions that causes the reader to experience them first hand. Again, I say excellent job! I look forward to reading your next update.



Julie

[Big Dummy]

Hi. I checked out the first chapter(s) as you asked in your synopsis, and now I wish I hadn't, because it was great and I fell into this fic headfirst and you said that you weren't even sure how much or how often you'll be updating and where you left it was so torturous.



I'm also enjoying your narration style, particularly the tone. I always find it hard to enjoy stories written in this specific style because usually it's hard for the author to maintain the flow, the "you're sort've there right now" feeling, but you're doing well.



Congrats on the start of a great fic, and I hope to see more updates than I can shake a stick at (whatever that means).

[mxgirl314]

Wow that was really good. I loved this update. I hate cliffhangers, but thats what keeps us going right. Oh well i'm over it. Any way just wanted to let you know how much I love the fic. You have mad skills when it comes to writing . I wish i did oh well I guess i'll just have to try harder. Can't wait till next update. Please keep it coming.

[Spot]

Hey!

Wow, lots of feedback. Lots of really nice, makes the writer giddy (or maybe thats just me; i had a frappacino a while ago, any sugar makes me even crazier than usual) sort of feedback. Instead of posting about a zillion blush icons, i will just put one here and let you all assume that they are all over the page, because I seriously am beet-red right now (but again, it's in a good way, like smiling till my mouth wont move anymore way) (i blush about literally anything, if you tell me i'm blushing, i blush more, even if i'm not embarrased, I’m not just some freak who over-reacts to everything, even if i am that too.)

anyway, i have about ¼ of chapter 2 done, hope to update by friday or saturday (i seem to be unable to concentrate when i try to work on the other fic, i keep coming back to this one. Not that it's a bad thing. Must have something to do with all the great kittens .

Thanks,

Michelle



willowfan7: hehe thank you. sorry to leave you hanging, and thank you for all the compliments! glad you enjoyed the angst! more coming soon!



famer: Thank you! glad you liked it!



LostWithoutTara: Aww, thanks. Glad you enjoyed ch.1, and i hope that ch. 2 doesn't dissapoint!



allykat: Thanks! glad you like the fic so far. hope i can get the update up soon! thanks for replying!



Gina: Hey! to answer your question, i'm gonna be sticking with Tara's POV for this fic, but thank you for the compliment regarding Willow's thoughts. Glad you liked it, and thanks!



Jeanne: Wow! thank you! you're honored to read it? *floats* thank you! i'm honored that you liked it that much!

hehe right there imagining with you, fun place...

next part coming up soon! Thanks again!



Grimlock: You caught me, Tara falling was not only for that chapter, there will be some help needed from Willow, not that that is a bad thing in any way... and you're right again, keeping all of itbottled up will not be good for Tara, but it will come out at some point during the fic, promise. Willow wouldnt give up their friendship if she didnt feel the same way, but a paranoid and in love Tara might not see that. thanx for reading!



Julie: Hehe thanx. glad you enjoyed it and thanx for the compliments! Hoping to have the next update up soon. Thanx for reading!



Big Dummy: Sorry I pulled you in if you didn’t want to be, but I’m glad you enjoyed it. Sorry about the unsurity (I’m not at all sure that that is a word) of regular updates, but I can almost guarantee at least one a week, if it helps. Thank you for the compliments, and I also have no idea what being able to ‘shake a stick’ at something stands for, but I got the general idea



Mxgirl314: thanx! Sorry bout the cliffhanger. Do you have a fic up on pens, or anywhere else? If you do, I’m sorry I missed it, and I’d love to read it. I’m sure you’re a good writer. Thanx again and update comin up soon!



-michelle

"Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, and trusting them not to."

[Eternal Phoenix]

Wow...



another awesome update

I am just loving this, i love how you get into Tara's head so well and how she percieves everything around her, its so sweet

Our girls are awesome! i liked the giving-birth-to-an-alien part! sounds like something Willow might say alright!

oh now that Tara is injuried Willow can look after her or something .

So curious on where you are taking this.



by the way thanks about the name i love phoenix's as well. i have an obsession with them!



*giggles exitedly and jumps around* Updatteee sooon!!



Luvs,

Phoenix

~ I live in my own little world, but it's ok...they know me here.~

[Spot]

Hey guys!

Just adding a reply to say Happy Halloween to all of you, I know that there is a thread for this somewhere but i am sadly (or actually not so sadly) off to a party right now, so i dont have time to go find it. Anyway, because i will eat lots of sugar tonight, i will be hyper and up late, which for me means lots of writing, so i can definitely promise an update by tomorrow, but the time depends on when i actually wake up. bye for now!

-michelle

"Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, and trusting them not to."

[Spot]

Hey!

Sorry, this update is up a little later than i intended, i had hoped to post this morning, but last night i ended up sleeping at my friends, and then i had a soccer game this morning...

But i finished it, finally. You'll have to forgive me for any grammar errors in here, I usually wait about an hour after i finish a chapter, then read it again, so i can see what i missed.

But i wanna get this thing up, and i have to leave for another sleepover in about thirty minutes (my soccer team won, now we get to go TPing.)

Anyway, here you go, hope you like it!

Any thoughts on it would be appreciated!



Pheonix: Hehe thank you. Glad you liked Tara's thoughts and the alien line. And yes, care will be needed for an injured Tara, whole reason i had her fall. hope you like the next part!

-michelle



warning: there is an attempt at willow-babble in here, the first time i've tried. feel free to yell at me profusely if i screwed it up even more than i thought i did.



Ch. 2



A look of concern flashes across, but does not mar, the beauty of her face. Her green eyes sparkle with worry as she hurriedly untangles her limbs from mine, her reassuring warmth lifting from my body. I have to bite my lip to halt the groan of pain, quickly turning to one of disappointment at the loss of contact, my skin still tingling in all of the places it brushes against hers while she moves.



“Are you okay?”

I nod slowly, my mind still caught in between shock and a humming, energy filled giddiness at the feel of her body pressed so fully against mine. My breath comes shakily as I try to stand, grimacing at the pain accompanying any pressure put on my leg.

Her slim arms slip underneath my shoulders as I start to fall back towards the floor and she pulls me inelegantly up onto the bed.



Being close to her is nothing new, it hasn't been for years, but, as her hands lock around my stomach, bunching up the fabric of my t-shirt, and her knees graze my sides as we sit down again, my already overloaded mind stops functioning and the air catches in my throat. My head is spinning at exactly how being so near to her makes me feel.



But something is wrong here; usually she would be making some joking comment about my clumsiness- which I would know she has called adorable three times in the past six months… if I was counting. If I was seriously hurt, she would be babbling incessantly in that maddeningly cute way of hers, but now she's just staring ahead, with a glazed look in her eye and drawn expression on her face, deep in thought.



Not that I'm complaining. No matter how much I adore Willow-babble, her preoccupation, whatever it is, means that she doesn't get up from where she pulled me onto the bed, leaving my legs and shoulders to quiver where her knees and hands are driving me crazy with light, prolonged moments of contact.

But even through the wonderful buzzing that has occupied my mind since I first felt her illustrious curves fall into place on top of me, I have to wonder what she is thinking about.



My heart leaps into my throat as I turn to catch a glimpse of her face. Her features have now been moved into positions of unease, her eyes betraying great indecision and conflict. Her teeth move to gently bite her inviting bottom lip in concentration as she looks for her answers in the wall in front of me, empty except for a few pictures of us from years before.



My mind searches frantically for something else that she could be considering, but the signs are damning.



I just pulled her down directly on top of me, and she'd have to have been pretty distracted to not notice exactly how breathless, among other things, that it made me. Now I'm sitting awkwardly on my own bed with her, trembling wherever she touches me. And she's thinking hard about something, something that obviously distresses and confuses her. There's only one explanation for this, as far as I can see.



She's guessing what I feel. On the first morning that I have been able to fully accept the depth of my feelings for her, she is discovering them.

Just the thought of the expression I know that will appear on her face any moment is enough to make my eyes sting with unshed tears; I don't think I can handle it right now. I will never be able to handle losing her; she has become everything to me, all that I live for, in these past months.



It's too much. I have to delay her, in any way I can, before my whole, delicately built world comes crashing down around me.



“Willow?” She must sense something in my voice, some urgency that isn't usually there, because she is immediately pulled off of her runaway train of thought.

“What are you thinking about?” It's funny how the situation is reversed now, with her running off into the analysis zone, and me guessing what she is thinking about.



She even blushes and stutters in a mirror-image of me earlier that morning, muttering something almost guiltily about wondering if my leg is hurt very badly. I have to struggle not to laugh at how cute her embarrassment is, how similar our thoughts seem to be… but this thought brings me crashing back down to earth.



Our thoughts are in no way similar. I was spending my imagination time fantasizing about the love for her that fills me so completely, while she was thinking about…

What was she thinking about? If she had actually been considering what I had thought just a minute ago, why would she be so discomfited, almost culpable at my question?



Her thoughts are a mystery to me for the first time since… well, forever. I can tell that there is something missing here, something I should be picking up on, but I can't place it.



I turn to look at her again, hoping to read into at least one of the many conflicting emotions that battle in her eyes and on her face, and find them much closer than I had counted on as she too moves her head to study me. We both blush a little and look down, but she recovers quickly when she notices the tears, still sparkling unshed in my eyes.



“Tara, what's wrong?” Her voice is so full of caring and worry that I am forced to lift my head to once again look her in the eye.

“Oh my god, is your leg okay? Did it get hurt? Is it broken? Or sprained, cuz I've heard that it can hurt worse if it's sprained. Can you even sprain your leg, or is it just ankles and stuff? But, you're crying, and, it hurts, so, so, we have to do something. Do you need ice? Or should we elevate it? No, that can be bad, I think I read that somewhere. But that might be for bleeding. The bad part, I mean. If only I'd paid more attention in first aid, but the class was so boring, and now you're not gonna be able to use your leg, and it's all my fault, and-”



“Willow, sweetie.” I cut her off, so enchanted with her babbling that I don't even realize that I have switched back into my old way of talking; I'd call her sweetie all the time, before that day so long ago. For some reason this makes her grin hugely, even through her anxious fret.

“It's not your fault. I tripped over the stuffed animal.” I look down curiously to see which one of the toys had tripped me earlier. I'm going to have to make it a special place on my bed, maybe a shrine if I have the energy later.



“Besides, I'm not that badly hurt. I could probably even walk with some help.” The last part of the sentence comes out too fast for me to stop it, my ears turning slightly red at the thought of the 'assistance' I am implying, not to mention the mild, almost flirtatious undertone that surprises me by working it's way into my voice as I finish the sentence. I can only hope, that she takes it as simple teasing.



The corners of her eyes crinkle in confusion.

“But then what's with the teary eyes?” There is more concern in her voice than ever now, making it that much harder to lie to her.



“Oh, nothing. It hurt a minute ago, when I first got up, but it's better now.” My heart is wilting like a dying rose; I can't even be honest with her anymore. This is what all my love for her brings me to: lying. I hate the empty, low feeling it leaves in the pit of my stomach; this is the first time I have lied to her since we met.



She seems not to notice my discomfiture or lifeless posture, only continuing on with her earlier monologue as I sit on the bed.

“Okay then. We can go down to the school to meet up with Buffy. We were gonna go skiing, but that's pretty much out of the question, with your ankle and all. I can help you walk there.”



Why is it that my ears have to heat up so quickly at her suggestion? She's bound to notice something, all the accidental signs I've been sending out this morning are pretty conclusive. But instead her face too turns slightly red, and she looks down to nervously pick at one of her nails, her hands resting in her lap.



I can feel the sweet rush of relief that she did not discover me this morning flooding my senses, but with it is an unexpected sinking in my chest.

I am almost disappointed that she didn't add everything up in the few short minutes that she's been here. Am I really that weak, that I would like to expose myself to her, just to stop hiding?

Or am I being selfish, hiding it all, enjoying the essential benefits of her friendship, all the while betraying her with a smokescreen?

Am I lying to her each morning that she comes into my room, through the open window, filling my heart and letting me into her life? Is it wrong for me to constantly deceive her, even if the truth would tear us apart?



All of the questions flood my mind, a moral war raging inside of my soul as she stands up. My conscience screams unheard in my ears as she gestures for me to lean against her shoulder.



I hold a blank face, one I have perfected over the months, and let her warmth seeping through my clothes silence the voices clamoring to be heard in my head, her caring a blanket of comfort allowing me to put the battle off until another day.



And she will never sense any of it.

"Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, and trusting them not to."

[kindagay]

Oh that was so agonizing.



I just wanna jump into this fic, hug all of Tara's insecurities away, ('cos, well, who wouldn't wanna hug Tara?), tell her how much Willow loves her, then shut them in a room together until they get with the smoochies!



I saw that there was an update & I was all & singing 'Yay there's an update', then I read it & I'm all 'please no more angst.'

I don't think I can handle much more, I'm almost certain that Tara can't take it for much longer. I mean, you made her cry! & I was right there crying with her

Please, no more crying Tara



All that said though (& I realise now that you may think I was critiscising, I really wasn't) your writing style still never ceases to amaze me. The reason for the initial negative vibe of this post, is 'cos you really can feel what Tara's going through. The way you write, it just throws the readers right into Tara's shoes. & whilst I'm hoping against hope that the angst won't last much longer, you write it so beautifully, that I can't do anything but stick with it.



Besides, with angst this good, I can only imagine how good this is gonna get when the girls actually get with the smoochies.



Wow, this is a long post & I realise I'm babbling innanely, so I'm gonna stop soon.



But, before I go, you said you were unsure about your attempt at Willow-babble. Well, I may be biased here, 'cos I don't believe you could write anything that wasn't amazing, but the Willow-babble was great. Very accurate, I could really imagine Will saying it in complete panic/worried mode.



Anyway, please update soon . Angst & all, I'm addicted to this fic



Hugs

Jeanne

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Posh flowers make me feel groovy - My niece