All Apologies

[Background Shot]

Title: All Apologies

Author: Background Shot

Distribution: Sure, just ya know inform me and stuff

Disclaimer: Oh please…all I own is like 3 dollars

Feedback: Yes; please boost my tiny ego…

Rating: PG-13 maybe R, for much, much angst…no really

Thoughts are in ‘’

Summary: I’m not that good at this but; this is an alternate universe season 6 where Willow n’ Tara never met but she still got all addicted to the magicks but it’s all good ‘cause Tara’s in the coven and she helps Willow heal. Well that’s just the jist.







She didn’t want to open her eyes. Why would she? She felt that pressure in her chest again. So uncomfortable. Guilt. Mistakes. She didn’t want to open her eyes. It’d just make it more real. Face the day, Willow. Be strong, Willow. Open your eyes, Willow. Slowly, slowly…she was met with a pair of big, blue eyes. Familiar…unfamiliar; somewhere in-between maybe? They were looking at her; part fascination (or something akin to it) and part concern.



“Where’s Giles?” a whisper, but at least she’d spoken. “I-I’m n-not sure Ms. Rosenberg but if you um n-need anything, I’d be more than glad to help.” She looked at the girl; kind, sweet face partly covered by long dark-blonde hair…it’d been so long since she’d seen something beautiful. Not tainted like her.



She closed her eyes again. She didn’t deserve help; she’d hurt people…didn’t they understand? She didn’t deserve to look at beautiful things or have beautiful things talk to her…she’d hurt *people.* Where was her punishment? None… just sympathy. Didn’t they understand it only made more guilt…more pressure? “M-ms. Rosenberg?” Soft and tentative, she wished she could cover her ears…she didn’t deserve to hear beautiful sounds.



“Yes?” She answered without opening her eyes; beautiful things aren’t for tainted people to look at. “Mr. Giles is um, here to see you; I’ll j-just leave you two to t-talk.” There was a dead silence for a few seconds; she could feel his eyes on her…expecting. “Open your eyes Willow.” She sighed, “Why are you helping me?” His eyes were still on her; still expecting, “Because you need it.”



“Well I don’t deserve it.” “Will- “How’s Dawn?” She sincerely wanted to know of course, but she also didn’t want to hear him try to defend her. “She, well she’s been better of course but she’s recovering.” She opened her eyes again. There he was; plain old regular Giles cleaning his already perfectly clean glasses.



“A-and Amy, how’s she?” Another silence, longer this time, “She still hasn’t woken up” there’s that quiet, sympathetic Giles-voice. “Why are you helping me Giles?” He sat down next to her on the bed and placed his hand tenderly over hers, “Because you are my family, and whether you feel you deserve it or not family helps family.” She turned to him; tears in her eyes “What if Amy doesn’t get better Giles, what if…what if she dies?” That last part was whispered. “Then your family will help you through it.”





Well…umm, just tell me if ya want me to keep going…

[allykat]

Quote:

---

Well…umm, just tell me if ya want me to keep going…

---

Heck yeah! This story looks really interesting!

I really like the way you've painted Willow's guilt. And Giles, being there for her... More soon, I hope?

[Marilda]

Continue! Continue! Continue!



Great start. Looking foward to reading more.



Must learn to type full sentences (me not you).

[Background Shot]

allykat: Wow, gee thanks and don't worry I'll be updating soon.



Marilda: Thanks! And don't worry, cave-girl talk's kinda cute!



I'll be updating tommorow...and I promise it'll be longer!

[Tempest Duer]

This looks neat! Looking forward to more! Like Marilda, must stop using sentence fragments in place of sentences.

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Cray

[The Rose24]

Great idea tha Tara is one of the witches in The Coven that help Willow. Tara should have been the one to help Willow anyway.

Tara: My heart doesn't stutter.


Tara: Willow, I got so lost.

Willow: I found you. I will always find you.

[musicmad10]

Cool story. Yes, i think you should continue. Can't wait for the update.

Hannah

[sam darls]

Yes, I want you to keep going..I liked it, so very much. Love sammi xx

[Background Shot]

Tempest Duer: Well I like sentence fragments. Use 'em all the time. Sentences are overrated.



The Rose24: Thanks . Yeah it always bothered me that Tara wasn't there for the healing process...but we know who's fault that is



musicmad10: Thanks! I hope ya like the update!



sam darls: Thanks! I'm glad you like it





CHAPTER 1       





She ached. Her whole body just ached. At least the withdrawals were over; for tonight anyway. But they’d left her with this dull ache, it didn’t hurt as much as the withdrawals had but it hurt just enough to remind her that she wasn’t done. And that she wouldn’t *be* done for a very long time. She wasn’t complaining though, this is after all, what she deserves… her penance. There had to be consequences of course, so she was thankful for the pain that came with withdrawal. It’d be morning soon, she could tell, and she wondered if she would be able to move by then.





“Of course you’ll move…you won’t get anywhere without moving and you have so many places you need to go.”



She didn’t have to open her eyes, she knew who it was. The girl. “Where…where am I going exactly?”



Warm breath tickling her ear, “You’ll see; I’ll take you.”



A smile on her face, a real one too; not the kind she used when she told people she’d be ok…it’d been so long.



“That’s a pretty vague answer” she opened her eyes; expecting to see bright blue eyes gazing back at her in that knowing, thoughtful way again, but instead she was greeted by the much too bright sun peeking in through her window.



It hurt, and she wanted to close her eyes again, but in a somewhat masochistic way she forced herself to keep them open. A dream, right? It had to be. Could you dream when you’re not sleeping?



“M-ms. Rosenberg, are…are you awake?”



‘Soft and tentative again…but you were so confident just a few minutes ago.’ “Yes, come in.”



And there she was again, her presence was always comforting, there was a sort of connection there she couldn’t understand or really put into words without using too many and never getting to the actual point anyway. She didn’t want to analyze it; she just wanted to revel in the fact that, at least for her, that connection was there…comforting.





“I started a b-bath for you, and um breakfast will be ready in a half hour. Mr. Giles says that you sh-should be there to um meet everyone” she finished, with a smile that quirked to one side in the most adorable way.



This was only the second time she’d seen the girl really, and this time she couldn’t stop herself from looking and admiring…though she shouldn’t have been allowed to for many reasons.



“What’s your name?” She couldn’t stop the words from leaving her lips, and something in her subconscious mind reminded her bitterly that it was a lack of willpower that had gotten her into this state in the first place.



The girl didn’t seem surprised by the question at all though, as if it wasn’t completely out of place. She simply smiled again, “Tara, Ms. Rosenberg.”



She felt herself smile again…two in one day, Giles would be proud, “please call me Willow” ‘and are you forgetting, *Willow*, just who you are…what you’ve done? Have you forgiven yourself so easily…do you think Amy will, if she ever wakes up?’



Tara, almost as if she’d sensed Willow’s change in mood, frowned slightly, “Y-your bath will get cold, Ms- um W-willow.” She was gone… and Willow ached again, ‘this is how it should be, this is how you get what you deserve.’

[Tempest Duer]

No! Bad Willow! Stop beating yourself up!



...okay Tempest, stop talking to the characters...



Nice job! Sentence fragments are cool. My English teacher hates it when I use them though. Stoopid teacher.

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Cray

[allykat]

Very angsty!! I love it!

Great update!!

[willow fan7]

That was a great start! I'm definitely intrigued. I'd love to see where you take this.

[sam darls]

Ooh, I loved this update. Poor willow though Love sammi xx

[WintersDreamer]

Ouch! Willow's subconcise (sp) doesn't want to give her time to heal.



I'm wonder if Tara is feeling Willows emotions.... and if that is why she is her guide/helper in this.



I'm truly enjoying this fic and looking forward to more,



Please update soon!







P.s. ..Who thinks in complete sentences anyway?

Edited by: WintersDreamer at: 12/2/03 7:46 pm

[Background Shot]

Tempest Duer: Yeah, bad Willow! And hey, my teacher's like that too...keeps talking about 'transitional phrases' or something like that...



allykat: Thanks! Yeah angst is good!



willow fan7: Thanks...cool; you're intrigued go me!



sam darls: Yeah poor, poor Willow but Tara'll make her better

[TaraBaby77]

WOW, i think I have found another story to keep up with. I like what I have read so far. It's new and different. And Willow having to earn everyone's trust and then to slowly start feeling something for Tara.... I think it's going to be good. Keep those updates comin', kay??? =)

Aaron

'TaraBaby77'

"It's about two people, regardless of sex, who love each other and treat each other with compassion and respect."

[Marilda]

Dude! Update! Soon! 'Kay?

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hey Girl--This is a great premise for a story! So add mine to the chorus of voices telling you to continue. (I'll be one of the many tenors, I suspect.)



Mary

[LostWithoutTara]

Great start, I love the premise of this story!

Every time you walk away, I pretend that I'm okay

[Background Shot]

TaraBaby77: Thanks! I'm glad you'll be keeping up with the story!



WintersDreamer: Yeah, there's big self hatred goin' on with that subconscious...and is Tara feeling Willows emotions hmmm maaaaaaaaybe...



Marilda: Don't worry I'm like an updating... machine



AntigoneUnbound: Cool, I have a premise! Cool, I have tenors! And just 'cause I wasn't registered before 'On Second Thought' and 'Gods Served and Abandoned' are the best fics ever! I don't mean the NC-17 parts though...'cause, 'cause I don't read that stuff...ya...



LostWithoutTara: Thanks! glad you like!



So here it is!





CHAPTER 2



She felt the door; solid beneath her hand, it’s funny how a few minutes ago she was so sure she could go through with this. Her heart was beating so fast she was sure any second now it’d break through her rib cage, she hadn’t felt fear like this since the absolute horror that was high school. Beyond this door there was a room full of people waiting to judge her and figure out the best way to *deal* with her. Yup, definite high school flashbacks.





Tara didn’t judge her though; she knew. She didn’t *know* know, but she knew; in her own heart and in her own mind. Tara didn’t look at her expecting, wanting and begging to see the ‘old’ Willow, like Buffy and Xander. And Tara would be in that room also. So she opened the door, cautiously, as if expecting something to be behind it and one step at a time, as slow and careful as they were, she reached the kitchen.



“Ah, Willow we’ve been waiting for you.”



She turned to Giles, and concentrated fully on him, part of her hoping if she ignored every other person in that room they’d all go away.



Giles got up and put an arm around Willow in what he hoped would be a comforting gesture for the red head, “Let’s sit down and I’ll introduce you.”



Once they were settled he gestured to a tall and lanky boy; red curls scattered about his head in a way that reminded her of herself a few years ago, “This is Ralph.” The boy looked up through thick glasses, his smart brown eyes twinkling at her as he gave her a wave and a somewhat shy, “hello?” Which he put peculiarly in the form of a question.



“And beside him is his elder brother, Andru.”



Andru was shorter than Ralph, and wore his dark-blonde hair slicked back in a style she thought had died along with the 50’s. His blue-green eyes seemed distant and detached; he had an air of seriousness about him and he seemed to radiate authority. She’d just barely caught his muttered, “good morning.”



“And to his right is Rangel.”



She looked to be a bit younger than Andru, maybe in her mid 20’s, with short dark brown hair that stuck up giving her a slightly punkish appearance which complemented her lightly freckled elfin face. Her light brown eyes lit up as she offered a friendly buck-toothed smile, “how are ya?” Oddly enough the accent was Texan, unlike every other person here, excluding herself, whose accent was English.



“And over there is our most skilled healer-



“Tara I-I know”



She turned to the girl for the first time since she’d gotten there expecting, wanting and begging to see those wide blue eyes again; hopefully lit up in one of those adorable half smiles she did that just made everything seem…brighter. But no, the girl was turned away from her; doing some chore or the other.



“This, this is the entire coven?” She turned to Giles; not yet ready to address anyone else…it’d be a while yet.



“No, no of course not but they are all highly skilled healers and the best qualified for this err particular situation.”



She looked down; suddenly the table top was of immense interest to her as she was focused solely on it, “oh” she was a situation; and now she had to be dealt with. She would have continued mentally flogging herself had her attention not been caught by the amusing sight of oddly shaped pancakes. She looked up to see what she’d been waiting for…Tara… “Unorthodox pancakes…my specialty” the girl whispered to her, before she left to serve the others.



She turned to her plate; a willow tree it looked like. She turned to look at the others…none of *them* had gotten a cool funny shaped unorthodox pancake.



“Um, miss Rosenberg?”



She turned to Ralph; already recognizing his hesitant voice.



“Ye-yes?”



“After breakfast I’ve arranged for us to take a walk in the gardens; we have a lot to talk about?” Ralph said…or asked.

[Tempest Duer]

Ooooh... Character development.

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Crayon

[sam darls]

OOh, I liked the update..and now she's getting to know everyone Love sammi x

[Background Shot]

Tempest Duer:Yup *major* character development ...oh yeah.



sam darls: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it and yup there's gonna be a *lot* of getting to know everyone!



Thanks for the replies and I'll be udating soon-ish!

[Background Shot]

Here it is...hope you enjoy it!







CHAPTER 3



The morning was unwelcoming…and cold; a dry cold that made breathing harder than it already was for her. They’d been walking for a while now and her impatient nature was yet again making itself known. Yet there was no way, she knew, that she would be the one to start this conversation. She’d wait for Ralph she decided, as she turned to him and willed him to speak. Needing to hear something; needing some distraction from the much too loud voices in her head. Where’d the sun go…wasn’t the sun there before? She missed it…



“Do you miss it?”



Ralph’s voice broke through her thoughts and she wondered idly if Ralph himself had broken through her thoughts as well.



“The sun or the magic?”



Ralph stopped and turned to her; his big brown eyes looking at her in question yet there was no judgment there, it surprised her how different his eyes were from his brothers'.



“No, your home I mean; we’re not talking about the magic now, we’re not there yet…soon though, we’ll get there soon?”



“Oh. Home. Well, no not really…it just feels like, like I gave so much of myself to it that now there’s not even enough of myself to get myself out of this mess I’ve gotten myself into. Do you get that; does that make sense at all?”



“Yes?”



“Oh. Good.”



More silence…longer this time; but she was less eager to start the conversation up again too tired to actively participate in it. Had she become that distant from everything? Two second conversations made her feel tired… She turned to Ralph again, it didn’t seem like the boy was going to talk anytime soon either, apparently content with silence for the moment. She looked to the sky again…no sun still.



“You always blame yourself?” It was said so soft that Willow barely caught it.



Question or Statement…she took a guess. “No…only when I’m guilty.”



“And the blame just seems to fall completely on your shoulders?” Even softer…



“In this particular situation…yes it does.” Her voice was an odd mix of tiredness and resolution, as if she knew the truth and accepted it yet in that same act of acceptance she was slowly destroying herself.



“You know what I think, I think you *do* miss your home?”



She smiled slightly at that, “and how do you figure that?”



“Well, you keep looking for the sun, don’t you?”



She had a small chuckle at that…it felt good to chuckle; it'd been a while.

[TaraBaby77]

Hey!!! Great update. I like this fic. I'm actually hooked, heehee. Willow feeling all bad and depressed...... gives our Tara time, hopefully, to help her heal. Okay, enough guessing, wanna another update, please??? Come on, please??? heehee =)

Aaron

'TaraBaby77'

[sam darls]

Aww, that was really sweet..and poor willow Love sammi xx

"Sometimes things happen between people that you don't really expect. And sometimes the things that are important are the ones that seem the weirdest or the most wrong. And those are the ones that change your life." - Jessie Sammler (Evan Rachel Wood)

[allykat]

YAY! Two Updates! This is great!

More soon?

Edited by: allykat at: 12/13/03 2:33 pm

[Tempest Duer]

That was nice... a little insight here and there... that's always good.

Willow: Hey Buff. One more thing. Buffy: Yeah? Willow: I’m gay. Buffy: Okay, Will. Xander owes me ten bucks.

~Remember to Breathe by Yellow Crayon

[Background Shot]

TaraBaby77: Wow you're hooked, I actually hooked someone...how cool! And hey, begging always works!





sam darls: Yeah, poor Willow...but she'll recover soon





allykat: More soon...now there's an idea...





Tempest Duer: Yeah insight rules...





I'll be updating soon...promise!

[Background Shot]

CHAPTER 4





Her throat was burning; acrid, sharp and harsh it was just dry heaving now, she didn’t have anything left to throw up. There was *nothing* left, yet her body was seemingly having problems understanding that. One last tremor and…it was over, not truly, but at least for tonight she was done.



Pulling herself up and limping to the sink she was met with her own reflection in the mirror. ‘Disgusting’ she thought. No…felt; disgust is a feeling not a thought, she felt disgust at her own skin and the, the *thing* that lived inside it…whatever it was. She harshly splashed and rubbed water onto her face, in her mouth, wanting to *be* clean and not just feel clean.





Soft fingers tracing feather light patterns on her back, “D-don’t worry, Willow, the goddess will see you through this.”



Tara.







*Tara.*



“Where I am…the goddess is not.” She never knew she could sound so bitter or cold…she hated that Tara had to see this part of her.



“You have to have faith Willow, you can’t just not believe in something bigger than yourself…surely you must believe in *something.*



Turning around and finding a way to smile through the distress she felt at being knee deep in her own situation she wistfully reached up to play with Tara’s golden locks, “You…I believe in you.”



Full blown Tara- grin, “I won’t let you down, I swear by the goddess I won’t.”



“I know you won’t.”



“D-did you enjoy your walk with Ralph?” She asked, behind slightly flushed cheeks becoming somewhat shy at the intensity with which Willow spoke and looked at her with those charming green eyes of hers.



“Yeah…he’s really-



“Aware?”



“Yeah…sorta like you.”



“Th-thank you…we were um taught by the same witch.”

“Good teacher that witch.”



“Yes…she was.”



Tara’s heartbroken tone was not missed by Willow, “Tara wh-



“She’s not here anymore…”



“Oh, I-I’m sorry.” She physically ached for someway to comfort the girl, hating her uselessness in this situation.



Tara managed a small smile which, though it was a good effort on her part, still looked somewhat forced, “M-maybe this isn’t the um b-best time for this.”



“Oh…yeah, you’re uh, you’re right, I still want to talk though.”



“We will, I promise…just not at 3 in the morning, in a bathroom...we're both tired.”



“Well when then, and where?”



Teasing Tara-smirk; much like what she’d seen in her ‘dream’ or ‘vision’ whatever it had been …though it didn’t quite reach her eyes this time, “Soon.” And then she was gone.