I was reading the MKF/ATR fic, and got a cool idea.
Feedback: Please, Please, Please! I need reassertment of my writing talents. I'm needy :-)
Disclaimer:Willow, Tara, and MKF are the sole property of Joss and ME blah blah blah.
Spoilers: Up to Tabula Rasa
Premise: MKF runs away in an attempt to reunite Willow and Tara.
Chapter 0: Teaser
"Why are you so sad baby," Tara said to her feline friend. Ever since she had moved back into the dorm, Miss Kitty had been as unplayful as Tara had ever seen her. Tara watched as she hopped off into the pile of clothes Tara hadn't unpacked yet. She pulled out a yellow shirt with pink sleeves and a pink star in the center. Willow's. "I miss her too, but-" Tara couldn't finish. Tears came to her eyes as she thought of all she had left behind. "You've grown up so much. I may have to change your name. Maybe you can be Miss Pussy Fantastico." Tara winced at the small new teeth mark in her ankle. "Okay, I guess I'll stick with Miss Kitty then." Tara laid down to rest, forgetting she had left the window wide open.
(cue ominous music)
Chapter 1: On the Lamb
Ah, a perfect plan MKF thought. If Tara went looking for her and stumbled on Willow, well, they would fall right back together. All she had to do was find the way back. Cats have an excellent memory for finding the way home she thought. Home is right over there. Under the big sign that says "Captain Murdock's Tuna". Oh crap! That memory thing is dogs isn't it. Well as long as I'm here...
A few minutes later she was flying above the steps, which would be great for her except she was going out, not in. Forget that. I can find my way home myself. Luckily, at that moment, Willow was walking home from class. Hey, that smell's really familiar.
Unfortunately, a last minute slip in her footing led to her being locked out of the house. So, she spied the action inside from a convienient tree branch. What's this? She thought as she listened to Willow's voice flowing out through the window. "Cio che fu non e piu. Cio che fu fatto disfa. Passato e il pericolo, finita e la prova. Metti le cosa a posto" Suddenly, she felt a good 5 feet taller. What the f-. She looked down, realizing she was not only human, but completely naked. She promptly fell straight out of the tree.
Chapter 2: Where's my tail gone?
She remembered it all. Her name was/is Michelle Karen Fransico, top agent. She had to get to the locker where she had stored all of her personal belongings before the mission, but it would be hard to get across town in her nude state. Of course! she thought. "Da meo vestis!" she whispered, and a neat pile of clothing appeared at her feet.
When she had been informed she would be spending a few months as a cat, Marilyn put all of her things in a storage locker downtown. Unfortunately, she been out of commision longer than she expected. Well, I hope it's still there she thought. Success! She picked her cell phone out of the box marked "Electronics and Fragile Stuff". "It's Agent Kitty. I've been restored. I'm at the locker. Come, I need a lift."
Tara couldn't find her no matter how hard she looked. It was daybreak, and she awoke to find her window open and her kitty nowhere to be found. Resigned to go about her day as usual, she met Dawn for movies and milkshakes. After the movie was done, she took her home, noticing an abundance of black and white hairs on the lawn. Miss Kitty has been shedding she thought. But as she laid down on the couch awaiting the return of the house residents so that she could leave Dawn with an adult, thoughts of Miss Kitty began to fade.
Chapter 3: L-A-T-E-R That Week
"Where were you for two years, Michelle?" Agent Ruth asked, half concerned, half angry.
"It was only 1 and a half years," Michelle replied, in the manner of a child who was just caught being naughty. "I found two fellow sisters who took me in. I was planning to find a way back, I really was. I admit, I failed my mission, but I can fix it. I just need Willow and Tara's help."
At that moment Tara was scampering away from Willow, who had just returned from an all-night party with Amy. On her way out she again noticed a trail of cat hair on the driveway. "Curiouser and curiouser," she muttered to herself.
Tara was in the center of Sunnydale, which had managed to triple in size in the past 5 years and was now almost as big as L.A., when she ran into a woman with shoulder-length raven hair and blue eyes with a familiar twinkle. "Excuse me," she apologized. "No, it was my fault. Hi, I'm Michelle. You look familiar, have I seen you around somewhere?"
"Maybe. You look kinda familiar too. I'm Tara, Tara Maclay. Do you go to UC Sunnydale?"
"Yeah I do actually. Maybe I've seen you in the dormatory. What building are you in?"
"Oh I live in Stevenson."
"Me too! Maybe I'll see you around," and with that she left. Mission accomplished Michelle thought to herself, for in her days in Tara's room she had been too short to notice a door number.
In an hour, Michelle was in the planning room at WSS. "This is the island where we suspect Mors is hiding," Agent Xita explained, and pointed out the edge of an island on a digital picture. "However, whenever we try and get direct photos, our satelites are with exploding coconuts. Recovered fragments show an inscription on the coconuts: "Proffesor Lieutenant Supermus sends his regards." Curiouser and curiouser Michelle thought.
Chapter 4: The one with all of the spoiler-free injokes
"So she woke up and Miss Kitty was just gone?" Willow asked Dawn. They were currently en route to the movies. Willow was fulfilling her part of the big Dawny time bargain. Dawn couldn't be happier. It gave her a chance to be ambassador between the two lovers, plus someone was FINALLY spending time with her.
"Yeah, guess she got tired of the single life. Miss Kitty, not Tara. Maybe you should go over to her place and, ya know, help her search? Like I said, she's sad, and not just about the Miss Kitty thing."
"You said you've never gotten a positive shot of this island? What makes you think it's Mors's lair?"
"We've never gotten a shot of it. This place is defended up the wazoo. We think all the transmissions are in code. They have a huge defense system set up against 'spoilers', and only the 'spoiler-free' as they call themselves can enter."
"'Spoilers?' You think that's code for..."
"It sounds like Mors's MO. But to the point: we're sending you in. We have a special sub: the S.S. Spoilerbus. The spoiler thing is a nice way of throwing his code in his face, isn't it?"
"Yeah it is. What kind of equiptment do we have here?"
"Best anti-coconut defense system on the planet, though there's not much competition. Also some huge digging equiptment. Our plan is to use it to tunnel straight under to the center, the 'Space Hopper' factory, A.K.A. his lair, and penetrate. Cool plan, eh?"
Michelle wasn't so sure. She had grown attached to Willow and Tara, she was still looking for them around. She wasn't exactly ready for a voyage out. As she was preparing to make a trek to Tara's dorm, the Service called for briefing. Boy is their timing ever the suck she thought. I still have some time before I have to go. I'll just explain to her rationaly. Yeah, right. She looked up at the sign in front of her. "Stevenson Hall. Right where I want to be." The roster was very helpful, with a list of students who ahd moved in recently. A few minutes later she was at Tara's door. "Hi, Michelle. Wh-What do you want to talk about?"
"I kinda have something big to tell you. I'm sorta.." she started. It sounded so stupid in her head.
"Sorta what?" Tara asked, with that inquisitive look in her eyes.
"Sorta... your cat."
Chapter 5: A Three Hour Trip that Everyone Packed Ten Years Worth of Clothes for
"You're my c-cat? I mean, I know this is a hellmouth, but that's still a little?"
"Crazy?"
"Actually, I was going for quirky, but crazy isn't out of the ballpark. Tell me your story. "My real name is Michelle Karen Francisco," she said, and showed Tara a tattoo on her neck that said "MKF". "Talk about cosmic coincidences," Michelle quipped.
"That's a nice name, and a nice tattoo. A bit un-catlike, but..."
"That's my HUMAN name, and you don't want to see where my other tat is. I was supposed to spy on someone, so I turned myself into a cat. I thought it would be incognito, but he figured me out and he made me stick like this. I was with him for about six months, and I managed to get some serious mojo on his project. I sent gremlins into his equipment, and other general curses that kept it from progressing. Unfortunately, they were tied into my felinity. See, I cast the spells as a cat, so now that I'm human, the cat ceases to exist, and the spells are undone. I need to leave. He's got an island, and I'll be going away for a few months. I thought I should tell you, as you did take care of me for a year and a half."
"But what it this guy doing? Where are you going?"
"Sorry, classified," Michelle said, and departed with a kiss to the hand.
Goddess that was stupid, Michelle thought on the sub on the way to the island. Getting to the island would only take a couple hours, but she would need a few months reconnaissance. why did you kiss her hand? Why not a handshake, or a hug, why a kiss on that pretty little hand? "Agent, we'll be coming up on the island soon," Nika said. "Got it Wiccachica," Michelle replied. Her full name was Nika W. Chica, but everyone called her Wiccachica, for obvious reasons. Suddenly, a brown-green goo hit the wall beside her. "Foo weaponry!" Agent Len shouted. "Why didn't we expect that? We're going under!" In succession, the three deck officers jumped down the hatch to the interior of the sub. Back on the island, Katharyn was manning the foo-cannon. "And you thought foo-weaponry was useless, supermus."
"Well, I didn't figure they'd have adapted to my coconut technology. What are they, the Borg?" supermus quipped.
"No, we're WSS," Len shot back as they emerged on shore.
Chapter 6: Island in the Sun
Michelle noticed three new faces in the welcoming comitee. They had called identified themselves as Wolfie, Pixie, and Owl. Like those could be real names. Right.
"You won't succeed. We'll crush you and stop your scheming," Len shot at Wolfie. "We'll resort to any means necessary."
Wolfie spun around, brandashing a dagger on his sweep to Michelle's throat. At the last possible nanosecond, Michelle felt the handle pass by her throat, blade-free. She opened her eyes and saw Wolfie with a retractable knife pointed straight at her jugular. "So will we."
"You can't destroy us. Kill one, another comes. You can't defeat WSS."
"WSS? What's that stand for? We're Spoiler Sluts?" supermus shot at Nika.
"Wiccan Secret Service," she replied. "We're here to stop you from destroying all our kind."
"Us? Destroy wiccans? Hell, half of us are wiccan. We're just trying to destroy people who insist on ruining Willow and Tara's future for us. Lately, we haven't gotten as much fellow kittens as much as spy satellites and planes overhead."
"Wouldn't you wanna know if something bad was gonna happen, so you could warn them?"
"How could we warn them? They don't exist."
"You haven't been off the island lately, have you? Of course they exist, they exist about 100 kilometers East of here."
"Where? Hollywood? It's a TV show, don't you get that?"
"Oh crap!" supermus shouted, interrupting Owl and Len's dialog.
"Care to elaborate, little man?" Nika queried, grinning.
"It's just a little thing I was doing last week. I was building a basic time machine. Foo in a coconut mixed with the saliva of an unspoiled person makes a fascinating temporal disturber. Anyways, I tried to use my saliva, as I'm currently unspoiled. But it didn't work, it needed someone who's never been spoiled. I figured it just did nothing, but I'll bet it put us from our dimension to the Jossverse. It would explain why we haven't been able to access the kitten. I just figured Novogate was seriously down. So who's up for a game of naked tennis?"
"supermus, this is NOT the time," Katharyn responded. "We need to figure out how we can get back. I mean, from what Michelle has told us about what's been up in Sunnydale, they're like four months behind us here. So who did you think was living here? Michelle?"
Unfortunately, Michelle was unable to respond. She was slightly distracted. Naked people on Space Hoppers tend to do that to a person.
Chapter 7: Maybe we Should Slap Her
Snap, snap, snap, went Owl's fingers. "Michelle? Michelle?" SMACK! "Wake up dammit!"
"Huh, what, huh?"
"What was that?" Pixie pondered.
"Oh, I'm used to taking short naps in inappropriate places. Probably a cat thing. So, you gonna help us or not?"
"Depends," supermus replied. "What are you guys up to?"
The newly informed kittens were willing and eager to join in WSS, after they were assured that the Spoilerbus is a complete misnomer, carrying no spoilers of any kind. "Agent Ruth, I have some bad news. The island was a total bust. We did pick up some new recruits. The ASK division is on it's way back with us to the mainland. Any new leads?"
"Negative Michelle. Though we did get a very interesting visitor."
Agent Ruth looked across the table at the blonde woman in front of her. "You say your name is Tara Maclay?"
"Tara, I have one small question. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" Michelle shouted. "This is a secret sneaky quasi-government instituion. Did you try to just walk in the front door?"
"No, that's ridiculous. I used the back door," Tara smirked. "I figured they'd give you a call if I told them too."
"I refrain: What are you doing here?"
"Looking for you, sweetie."
Chapter 8: If you want to...
"Okay then, why were you looking for me?"
"Well," Tara said, "I figured if you were going on vacation, you might want some extra Cool Monster Fighter expertise," Tara said with a wicked grin.
"Actually, vacations over. I did get some new buddies though," she replied, and pointed to the line of kittens bowing down behind her, muttering vaguely "It's her, it's her..."
"Geez, I guess I've got some fans," Tara cracked.
"You have NO idea," Michelle quipped back. "Though to be fair, I'm not sure Ruth would enjoy a civilian on the team."
"Civilians are highly underrated. Sometimes they do amazing stuff, like removing Uranium cores, and-". She cut herself off as she was bordering on rambling at this point, which inevitably leads to babbling, which can cause the pain and heartbreak of nonsensicality.
"So," Tara asked, "if we're not heading to the island, where are we going?"
"First of all," Ruth cut in, "there is no we. You're not invited. And second of all, the real agents here are going to Alabama."
"Ruth, come on," Michelle pleaded.
"No, Michelle. We can't put her in danger."
"Hey! Standing right here people!" Tara shouted. "Now I have more experience in these things than those people combined," she said, pointing to the still-bowing line of ASK agents. "So if you're too worried to let me come, then bite me!"
The room was frozen in silence. Even the poor little kittens were bowing noiselessly.
"I think we can work something out," Ruth offered meekly.
Willow logged on to her AIM account from her laptop upstairs. Wiccahaccer, she thought. Note to self: Change that. As she checked over her buddy list, which she hadn't taken anyone off of in like two years. EarthSpirit18? Tara? Let's check out that away message. "Off to have a chat with my kitty in a secret government installation. Call back later when I've fulfilled my Cool Monster Fighter duties."? What?
Dawn had to hear the knock four times before it registered through her headphones. "Who's there?"
"It's Willow. We need to talk."
"No, we don't."
"It's Tara. I think she's up to something."
Chapter 9: You saw the beauty in everything, everything and me
"Alabama eh?" Tara asked for the millionth time. She didn't like Alabama. Bad memories involving carnivals. And goats.
"Yes, we're going to Alabama. It's the perfect place to hide out. It's got decent, down-home people who never suspect you're out for mass genocide."
And murderous goats Tara thought. "And we have to bring along the groupies?" she asked, pointing to the ASK branch of WSS. "They've got their amount of expertise, even if they are a bit... creepy," Michelle replied. They looked up for a moment with sad looks, but the sight of Tara brought their smiles back.
"Why's he doing it anyway? What's his motivation?"
"Revenge," Michelle replied simply.
"Hey, well at least Tara *found* Miss Kitty," Dawn said, always the optimist. "Maybe it was just a jokey message. I mean, who leaves stuff like that in an away message if it's real?"
"Tara," Willow replied, her voice soft and sad.
"Good god that's a lot of bus. I mean, I know it's a charter bus, but... good god that's a lot of bus," Tara mused wide-eyed, looking at the gigantic bus that would take them to Alabama from the undisclosed location of WSS HQ. It was a lot of bus. Aside from sheer mass, it had TVs in the back of all the seats, built-in PS2s, and lots and lots of pudding. And a new feature: Transdimensional DSL, capable of accessing websites that exist only in other dimensions. The kittens all agreed that their heads were going to explode if they were off the island AND off the Kitten.
Chapter 10: When The Pawn Hits the... Oh never mind
"Is th-that a carnival?" Tara asked. Not exactly a good thing to see on her way into town. Just her luck that a carnival would be passing through Leevile, Alabama at the same time as the bus.
"Well we don't exactly have time to win a prize," Michelle replied with a grin.
"You never did explain why you wanted Willow and I on this."
"It's cuz of this," she replied, pulling a charm off her neck. It was two spirals back to back, so it was like on big spiral slide. Well, one small spiral slide. "My mother gave it to me when I was 5. She taught me all I know about practicing. She said it's like a mystical amp. But it needs a plug to fit into. It's hard to get it working, it needs a connection. I figure you and Willow could use it to good effect, but maybe now it'll have to be you and me," she explained, giving Tara another vixen grin, but she was shot down witha "no" stare from Tara.
"Where does it plug into anyways?" Tara asked. Michelle's only reply was a wicked grin. Tara thought for about .5 seconds, and slapped Michelle hard on the face. "I know Willow and I are broken up, but that doesn't mean you can just..." she shouted, and left to the back of the room hurredly.
10 miles behind Willow and Dawn, who had long sincec traced Tara's laptop on the move, were following the way into Leevile. "You're sure Buffy won't miss us?" Dawn asked for the billionth time.
"I left a note. I'm sure she'll understand." Sure. Buffy'll understand that you just took her little sister on a dangerous mission to find Tara. On a weekend no less! Willow thought to herself. Hopefully they'd be back far before Sunday night.
Chapter 11: L'hippo a pique' ses pantalons
That was one angry animal cracker. Around him in a circle were cracker lions, tigers, and bears. In the center, Mr. Hippo and the monkey in question, Jean-Luc. "I want pants!" Mr. Hippo shouted at Jean-Luc. "I have my hippo dignity!" The cheers or jeers from the crowd of blood-lusty animal crackers(note: blood-lust is a serious medical condition in animal crackers, believed to be incurable as animal crackers have no blood). Mr. Hippo, who was amazingly spry for a gigantic beast, threw swipe after swipe at Jean-Luc, who was determined to keep his monkey pants. Finally, Mr. Hippo had them in his grasp. "I am victorious!" He shouted. "The hippo stole my pants!" the now naked Jean-Luc whined. "Wake up! Wake up!" his agonized cries sounded. Tara woke with a start to find a comforting face standing over her. At least it was comforting for about 2 seconds before she wondered what exactly Dawn was doing on the bus, or in Alabama for that matter.
"I had to let her in! This is Dawn. She always had treats for me, and warm, comforting pets," Michelle argued, though at the end her eyes shone with the daze of nostalgia.
"What about basic security? Do you really think it's safe to have a little kid on here?!"
"I'm NOT a-" Dawn started, but she was silenced by a glare from Tara.
"Oh really funny Willow," Buffy muttered under her breath. "Dawn! Come down here! You need to eat something! Dawn?" Buffy started to get worried. She reached for the keys to Willow's car, but alas, they were nowhere to be found. "Oh, crap!"
Chapter 12: Don't You Hate Socks?
Smack! Bam! Other silly comic book noises! Tara kicked Michelle's ass all the way to the back of the bus. "Why do you think you can" PUNCH! "just swoop in and" SMACK! "take me? What the hell is wrong with you!?" She kicked open the door in the back of the bus. SWOOSH! went Michelle through the air. The bowing kittens took a few seconds away from bowing to shoot frightened and confused looks at Tara. After a few seconds, she said, "No ticket."
"Wow," she said as she woke with a start, "my dreams are getting WAY to literal."
"Maybe you should just stop falling asleep," Michelle replied. "Your dreams only bring badness." An uncomfortable silence dawned between them. "Look," Michelle started, feeling someone had to break the silence, "I'm sorry about yesterday. It's just, you're the only person I really knew for a year and a half. You and Willow. I'm kinda that way with everyone, but you're..." she drifted off, but before she could finish she was cut off by Tara, "Don't finish that sentance. I'm just gonna... go."
Outside, Willow and Dawn were getting supplies from the gas station the bus was parked at. "Are you sure you wanna go baby? The party just started," Tara said as she stepped out of the bus. Willow and Dawn weren't sure who Tara was talking to.
"It's Sunday," Dawn replied. "I have school tomorrow." A definite pout was on her face. With a kiss on the forehead goodbye, Willow and Dawn hit the road back to SunnyD, now reassured that Tara was safe, at least for the moment.
It's worthy to note, however, that Tara had not told them what she was doing in Alabama, just that she was on a "road trip". Gullible's not in the dictionary for them, is it? Tara stared at the car driving off, and then at the carnival on the other side of the gas station. Shudder.
"All right Michelle. Let's get down to work."
Chapter 13: Clichés: the instrument of the true humor writer
"Careful, the welcome mat may be booby-trapped. This is a horror cliché after all," Tara pointed out, holding the agents back with her gun. The coconut launched at the mat fell straight through to a hidden chute underneath, where it was hacked to pieces by really silly cartoon weaponry. "Let's go"
Inside, they were careful to note the huge X's and laser beams all over the wall. Michelle prepared to do a really complex jump through all of the lasers when Tara came up with a much better idea. "How 'bout we just conjur a floating mirror? Might save us just a teensy bit of time."
All of the people mentioned above formed a circle, holding hands to gather power. The Kittens got huge grins on their faces at the mere prospect of holding hands with Tara. In the center of the room a huge, all-encompasing mirror ball appeared, shooting the lasers back at different lasers, at the conviently correct angles to blow them all up at once. Rushing upstairs, they found ten men manning ten cannons pointed from one side of the hallway to the other.
"What's with the cannon?" Pixie asked in confuzzlement.
"It's traditional," they all replied in unison.
"All right, this in gonna require some Matrix-esque anti-gravity moves like in every movie made in the past two years," Wiccagrrl pointed out. "On one, two, go!"
"Hey, what happene to three?"
"We go on three"
"Shouldn't it go one, two, three, go?"
"But then we would be going on four. It's a three second count."
"Yes. But you start on one, so there's one sec between 1 and 2, one between 2 and 3, and-"
"Shut up already! Let's just one, two, three, go!"
Chapter 14: Wow, only 14 and I'm already losing count
"One, two, three. go!"
"Hold on! Wouldn't it be much simpler to use a spell to fire off the cannonballs simultaneously so that they wouldn't be loaded anymore? Why do we have to do this secret agent crap!?" Tara asked.
"We are secret agents," Wiccagrrl replied sarcastically. "But your idea is much better."
A few minutes later they were formed in a circle. "Hey Tara," Pixie asked, "is this gonna be like that time you and Willow accessed the Nether Realms? Cuz that was pretty-" she was cut off by a confuzzled stare from Tara.
"How do you..." she started, but was interrupted by Michelle.
"It's kinda complicated. It involves parallel universes, you on TV, and I think a goat, but I wasn't sure."
All Tara said in reply was no it wouldn't, but her mind was abuzz with thoughts of her being on TV. "H-How much do they sh-show of me and Willow?"
"Oh," Owl replied, "don't worry. Network censors don't like that kind of thing. Damn tragedy is what it is, but you probably see an upside."
"Hey we gonna start this or what," supermus cut in. "Cuz I'm getting kind antsy."
"You're not even in the circle. What do you care?" Michelle asked, somewhat snippily.
"Let the weapons fly. Discharge them, bleed them dry. Send the fire to the sky. Let the weapons fly."
It was a basic incantation, designed to cause any kind of loaded weapon to lose it's power. Convieniently, it fired off the cannons. While there were shiny new holes in the wall, there weren't any in are agents. The men manning the cannons were stupid enough so that they thought the best course of action was to sit around and wait for the cannons to load themselves. Our heroines and heros took this opputunity to make their way down the hall.
"Hey, wait a second," ForeverPiper pointed out, "how come there are only ten of us? Wasn't there supposed to be a second flank?"
Meanwhile, the second flank was busy at the carnival. Apparently they had gotten so swept up in getting conned out of their money that they had completely forgotten about their mission. I'll show them a shifty pair of eyes hiding behind a curtain thought. They've never seen the likes of Freddy the Wonder Goat
Chapter 15: Out of the frying pan and into the slightly bigger frying pan, the one that's still all greasy and mucky
"So this is what we launched a bunch of cannonballs to get to? I'm a bit dissapointed," Michelle quipped, staring at the sight in front of them. Huge guards, frozen in place. Owl had crept up and tried to get past one, but it instantly woke up and threw him across the room. "Proximity sensors," he guessed. "Anything comes near and they've suddenly gotten their coffee. Any ideas?"
"Just one," supermus responded. He pulled a bag of his back and opened it up. He pulled out a beautiful knife, with a handle perfectly contoured for his hand. He closed one eye, took aim, and whoosh! the knife flew threw the air, hitting the beast dead in the eye just as he grew lucid.
"Nice throw," Tara commented, causing supermus to grow red in the face. As quickly and concisely as before, supermus slayed the guard-beasts. Stepping into the the next hall, the emptiness gave them time to regroup.
"What is this," Pixie quipped, "a rest station?" She giggled, alone, at her joke. supermus grabbed another knife, this time just to swish it around. He loved the feel of it as it sliced through the air.
"That was some sharp shooting supermus," Katharyn remarked, "Ever think of going to Vegas with that act? You could hang out back stage with Sigfried. Or Roy. Or one of the tigers."
"It's bewitched. When I throw it I can aim it to fly through the air. Unfortunately, sometimes it goes to literal, and-". He chose the best way to explain the next part was a demonstration. He swished it around some more, before hurling it again. It went about three feet before it felt the best way to serve it's purpose was to sprout wings and fly around the room. "Here boy. Heeeere knifey boy," supermus called out. The knife, apparently responding to his calls, flew back right back into his hand, the wings shrinking back into the handle.
Pretty soon, each member of the team had their own dagger, which in addition to flying automatically fits the hand of whoever wields it. A few seconds later, they were very glad for supermus was up to sharing.
Chapter 16: I write the fic, it does not write me
"Look at it's arms! It's hideous!" Tara shouted quietly.
"Huh? It doesn't have arms," Willntlover responded. Well, it would have arms if it didn't walk on all fours. Have you ever seen a guinea pig? it's like a cross between a rat and a ferret. Now imagine one the size of a lion. Now imagine ten of them. That's 160 REALLY sharp fingernails/claws, and god knows how many teeth. And those eyes, those black-on-black eyes(no offense to my gineua pig standing right in front of me). "Anyone have a pack of giant carrot scrapings? Anyone? All right then, daggers launch!" In an amazing display of co-ordination, all of them brought the daggers back at the same time, each aiming for a different Guinea Pig monster, and sent the daggers flying through the air. Like airborne ICBMs, or I guess just regular ICBMs, they sliced their way to their targets. In another amazing display of co-ordination, the beasts bit down on their respective knives hard, biting the blade clean off. "Oh," supermus started.
"CRAP!" he finished. "Don't worry," Wiccagrrl reassured him, "we have other weaponry. Get out the laser swatters!" Imagine, if you will, a pistol. Got that picture in your head? Now put at the end of the pistol two things like fly swatters sticking out at about 45 degree angles to the path of a bullet out of it from each side. "All right everyone, load 'em!" A small button on the side, when pressed, began to send a huge current of electricity, gathering in the fly swatter things. "Fire!" At the pull of the trigger, the fly swatters flew together, not only killing any flys unfortunate, a.k.a stupid, enough to be in the middle, but also merging the two streams and shooting them out the front. Zap! went the electricity, hitting the wall directly behind the beasts, who were neither stupid enough nor unfortunate enough to be in the way when those things went off. "You know," Wiccagrrl ranted, "don't you hate it when you get all this synchronocity and effort into an attack and the attackees just scamper off? I mean, it's like-- I mean Woo hoo! we got rid of the beasts. So what's next in this little house of horrors?"
By a feat of amazing coincidence, Wiccachica was asking that exact same question at that exact same moment, though she was refferring to a literal house of horrors. Bet ya thought I'd forgotten about second flank and the carnival, didn't ya?
"I wouldn't call it a house of horrors," agent Len replied.
"Yeah," agent Xita concurred, "it's more of a house of mirrors."
"I think it's a house of horrors," Wiccachica shot back, "but that's just because I'm terrified of mirrors."
"Hey," agent April cut in, "why is there a goat in all the mirrors? And why does it have blood-drenched fangs?"
At that point, the following cry sounded out through the hills:
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Chapter 17: Broadway is Dark Tonight
"How am I supposed to know what's next? What am I, the writer?" Michelle replied. "Though I am a bit anxious to find out," she muttered as she nudged open the door. Behind it was...... a huge empty room. When I mean huge, I mean extending for a couple miles in all directions. "What the hell?" supermus asked. "This place is bigger than the rest of the house. Plus, we can't go in. We'd hit the floor with a splat."
"Let's just look around. Get out the sticky hooks," Tara suggested. They all managed to walk through the tiny door at the same time, another amazing feat, albeit an unfortunate one for them. Had one stayed behind they would have noticed what happened next and opted to not enter the room. As soon as they passed through it, the space in the doorway turned bright blue, and kinda swirly. In Tara's mind, she would have preferred falling and going splat to going where she ended up. There was only one thing for her to say. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
"Tara, it's just a carnival," Michelle responded, trying to comfort her.
"Th-th-the goat!" she shouted, pointing at the mirrors, all of which had a fluffy little goat on it. Luckily for Freddy, Freddy had hid the Second Flank agents and brushed his teeth. Yet another amazing feat, considering he had no opposable thumbs to hold a toothbrush with. So the First Flank agents had no idea they were in great peril. At least they didn't until the fire came. Straight out of his mouth.
Holy smoley, that was one short edition. Here's some more.
"Tara, can you move?" Michelle whispered. She herself couldn't, the paralyzing mist from the goat assured that.
"Not me. Anyone?" she replied a bit louder, hoping to provoke the responses of the rest of the kitties in the room. Actually, this was the first time she had bothered to look up, and thusly the first time she noticed there were a few extra people in the room. So THAT's what happened to the second flank. she thought. Murmurs of "not me", "nope", "not a muscle" rang out in response to her call. Except supermus, who replied "I can't move my LIMBS, nope," as he could very well move his neck and above, and some *ahem* other parts too.
"I'm guessing that house WASN'T the secret lair we were looking for, was it?" Pixie asked.
"I'd put my money on it, if I could reach my wallet," Michelle shot back.
Chapter 18: I Told You Carnivals Were Evil!
"Ha Ha. Very funny missy," a menacing voice from the shadows called out.
"The goat can talk?" Wiccachica whispered. "I mean, I know he somehow managed to tie us up, but talking?"
"I'm not a GOAT!" the voice shouted, walking out of the shadows, revealing itself to not only not belong to a goat, but to not be disembodied as well. "Oh yes, I'm quite embodied," it proclaimed, apparently replying to me. Hey, you're not supposed to hear me! "Oops. My bad. Continue narrating. The story's just getting interesting." I will, thank you very much. Anyways, further proving his non-goatness, he called out "Here Freddy. Come here Fredbob!"
A goat, presumably Freddy the Wonder Goat, walked onto the scene, bleating "Baa ba baa baba," literally, "Don't call me Fredbob! I hate that name!"
"So are we gonna go for the full-on cliché where you tell us all the details of you're plan and then manage to have us all escape so we can thwart it or just kill us and save us the pain of listenting to you talk?" Tara questioned him.
"Oh no, I've seen waaay to many Bond movies for that one to work. Damn Sean Connery, always outsmarting the bad guys."
"Actually, I liked Timothy Dalton," Owl chimed in.
"Timothy Dalton? What are you, retarded?"
"Hey Timothy Dalton should get an Oscar and beat Sean Connery over the head with it!"
"As fascinating, by which I mean annoying, as this discussion is, can we cut to the chase?" Michelle asked.
"I doubt you would want to. The chase is the part where you all die."
"Die? Why would you want to kill us!?" supermus asked.
"You interrupted me! Look at the sign!" He said, pointing to a sign that said "Trespassers will be prosecuted," with "prosecuted" cut out and replaced with "killed".(Anyone know how to do the cross-out font?)"If I put up with that kind malarkey, my army of sentient coffeemakers will never get finished!"
"You aren't by any chance Dr. Mors are you?"
"That moron? I chased him out of town as soon as he tried to set up shop. I'm Ted. Well, my real name is Winited, but everyone calls me Ted. But enough about me, any last requests?"
"Um, I request to not die?" Pixie suggested.
"Request: DENIED!" Ted shouted, voice full of malice and impatience. "Now on to the killing."'
Chapter 19: Funny uh-oh
Tara could hear the machine getting ready. She could hear the parts sliding, the whirring, the grinding. From an entry where the ceiling meets the wall came... an anvil. "You have to be kidding me. An Anvil!?" Katharyn shouted.
It slid across the ceiling, hovering above three young Second Flank agents: Kenny, Kyle, and Stan. Down it flew, squishing Kenny like a bug. All that was left was his hooded orange sweater.
"Oh my god!" Stan shouted. "He killed Kenny!"
"You-" Kyle started, but was interrupted by supermus.
"Amber! Amber!" he shouted. His bag started to shake, and a slit was cut in the side. Out flew a knife, with a blade that shone with a copper sheen. It shot out of the bag, wingless, slicing it's way to supermus. "Good girl. Cut me loose!" She flew down, splitting his bonds apart. "Get the others!" Amber glided across the room, conviently reaching everyone before the anvil hit again. Once they were all out of the reach of the anvil, she flew back to supermus for a good pet. "Good girl," he said over and over again. "GOOD girl."
Off the confused looks of the others, he explained: "First knife I ever made. I gave her a real mind, thought it would help to command her. BIG mistake. See, she has a personality too, and she's terribly afraid of blood. Whenever she sees it, she goes limp and falls. Great for a pet though, incredibly loyal. Anyways, she's not much good in battle, so I don't usually use her with the other knives, though she's great for coconuts."
He grabbed Amber from mid-air and slid it into a sheath on his belt.
"So, what do we do next? Foil Ted's plan, or go do some real work?"
"I have a feeling Ted's plan will foil itself. Meanwhile, we have to find Dr. Mors. But first, one ride on the ferris wheel.
"So," Agent Xita said, now that the gang was back at HQ, "Leesville was a bust? That's a shame. We don't have any more leads.
"Not exactly," Pixie replied. "I took supermus's coconut radio and coconut satelite dish and managed to tap into most radio frequencies on the planet. Took a huge dial to work though. I'm talking Wheel of Fortune size. I found a really weird one while I was lookin' for Anthony Head's new album. Always going on about "Operation Wiccacide" and using wierd code words. I could probably tap in again. I think it was 103.14159."
"So," Tara said, "I guess we're heading to this island I've heard so much about?"
A few hours later they were back at Kitten Island, trying to find that frequency.
"Hey," Tara asked, coming out from the under ground bunker, "What's this 'Naked W/T Sex' thread all about?"
Chapter 20: So this is the kitten, eh?
"You know, the pages telling me how great Willow and I are and how great our relationship has been for some people, as a good lesbian couple on TV and all, that was great. But some of this stuff, this fan fiction, is just really creepy."
"It wasn't meant to be creepy," Katharyn responded. "Hey, you didn't by any chance see the spoiler thread did ya?"
"No, I didn't read all the threads. What's the spoiler thread?"
"Some of us less strong Kittens like to know what's gonna happen on the show. But since most of the spoilers are focused on, well, you, it would kinda ruin the fun of living your life if you knew what was gonna happen," supermus explained.
"But those are spoilers about what's going to happen on the show in your dimension. Why would it happen here."
"Same reason the same things have happened for presumably the past 5-6 years. See I have this theory..." he started, pulling out a coconut chalkboard. "...that there's some kinda dimensional link between them, and occurances from your dimension flow into a vessal, pure data transferred into the mind of Joss Whedon, who passes it along. But he doesn't realize what's going on. The data comes to him in such a way that he thinks they're ideas spawned of his own imagination. So in a way, he doesn't write the show, it writes itself based on a real timeline of events. But I wouldn't worry about it. Your head might explode," supermus explained, in the longest and most confusing manner possible. "Once we get this taken care of," he added as an afterthought to his fellow kittens, "we have to figure out how to-". He was cut off by the radio blaring "You saw the beauty in everything, everything and-" it was promptly cut off by the radio operator turning the ginormous dial to the next station. Most of them don't pick up significant reception out in the middle of nowhere, but occasionally something came through.
"How would you feel if someone wrote that kind of stuff about you?" Tara asked, starting up conversation again.
"Umm... flattered?" Pixie responded.
"Hey, I've got it!" Wolfie shouted. The noise from the speaker came through surprisingly clear: "Operation going into effect in 70 hours. Repeat: 70 hours. For final stage, go to..." he droned on and on, giving precise instructions that were immediately transcribed by the Agents at the radio.
"Check out that adress," Pixie commented, "It's like 20 miles north of here. We could get there in less than an hour. OR we could stay here and play fun spoiler-free games. It's your choice."
"Yes," Michelle responded, "and it's the choice of a new generation."
Chapter 21: Time for the story to get really drunk
Hey, how come we spend so much time in travel? Don't we ever just stay somewhere?" Owl asked.
"Well, the boats have AC. Plus, we have a job to do," Michelle replied, the last part in a hilariously serious tone.
"Yeah, well there's no AC on deck," supermus shot back, and headed under. Tara was still there, making full use of the transdimensional DSL.
"Not getting into any naughty spoilers, are you?" he asked.
"No, I'm just downloading some of the old episodes. Wanted to see how I look on camera," she replied.
"You look spectacularly beautiful," everyone responded in unison.
"Any recommendations? I mean, I've seen all of it, hell I've lived it, but it might be fun to see it again."
"New Moon Rising. It's about that time Oz came back. And, uh, Who Are You, when Faith was in Buffy's body."
"Land ho!" Wolfie called from aboce deck. "And I don't mean the spoiler type."
"That's not land," Michelle said after carefully examining it with her binoculars. "That's a... WHALE! AVERSIVE MAUNEUVERS!"
"Does this thing have breaks or something?"
"How 'bout escape pods?"
"Coconut torpedoes, LAUNCH!"
"You're shooting a whale!?"
"Not exactly."
A few seconds later, just as they were about to crash into the whale, the torpedo, which had been launched downward, exploded from increasing water pressure, causing a huge tidal wave, sending the light ship flying a couple thousand feet in the air."
WHUMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPP! went the water as they crashed after successfully clearing the whale.
"Everyone below deck! Now!" Katharyn shouted, rushing everyone to the sub-deck cabin just as the ship bobbed under water.
The whale didn't even blink as the wave shook the water under it, not nearly strong enough to budge the great behemoth itself. Meanwhile the ship rose straight to the surface with the inhabitants intact, not to mention dry.
"Okay, who's up for some on deck water sliding? No one?"
A few minutes later they reached the real island. Not on shore of course, that would be foolhardy. They drilled under and emerged in the center, because no one would notice someone drilling a hole through a huge mass of rock. They came out in a convienently located flat patch in a large circle of mountains. "So where do you think the headquarters are?"
"I don't know. How 'bout... over there?" Michelle answered, pointing to a random mountains. "I think I see a door, but the story just turned 21, so I could be really drunk."
Chapter 22: Insert Title Here
"I see a door there too. It's like there's a crack in the mountain," Tara replied.
"Well you know what they say. When in doubt, shoot!" Katharyn responded, pulling out a coconut launcher. With precise aim, mainly due to the laser aim, she struck it in the center of the rectangle thing. SMACK! The coconut hit dead center, with the force of an average bullet, and... nothing. The "door" didn't budge at all. Supermus walked up and tapped it gently. Nothing. Swish! He pulled out Amber and sliced the crack in the mountain. Nothing. Looking closely, he noticeed a small square indent next to the door. At the press of it, a voice came straight out of the mountain. "Who's theerre?" it said.
"Uh... Pizza Delivery," he replied in a vague foriengn accent.
"You guys are like 20 minutes early! How did you get here so quick?"
"Um.. Traffic was good," he replied in the same accent.
"Well come on in," the voice said as the hole in the wall opened up.
There was one guard on either side of the door. "You guys Pizza Delivery?" Guard One asked.
"Yup," supermus answered.
"All of you?" The other asked, indicating the 15 people coming in.
"We travel in bulk," Pixie replied.
"Hey," Guard One asked as they started making their way down the hall, "what's that?" he asked, pointing to Amber, still in supermus's hand.
"Special pizza cutting knife."
Soon they found a door in the hallway that said "Secret Control Room. DO NOT ENTER! Leave all deliveries at door!"
"Supermus, gimme an X-Ray of what's behind that door," Tara ordered. Using his handy-dandy x-ray scope, he peered through the door. "Stand where I am. Aim here, here, and here," he said, marking three dots on the door. Pixie pulled out the coconut laser. She hit the mark perfectly, knocking out the three guards inside. Tara kicked the door open, saying "Let's go! Let's go!". That they did. Using stun lasers, coconut launchers, and tranquilizer guns, they had the entire room out cold in 10 seconds. Except for one guy standing at the head of the table. "Dr. James Mors, I presume?" Michelle quipped.
Chapter 23: Is it really necesarry to have an axe AND a wedge?
"Yeah, yeah you caught me. But you will never AAHHHHHH!" The guy shouted, provoking confused stares from the others there. The stares turned to grins, which quickly turned to looks of fear. Out of little doors in the walls crept, or rather rolled, little robot things. They would be cute, except for the extreme lack of any kind of care for outward attractiveness, and the strange assortment of axes, lasers, spinning blades, and the oddest wedge-flipping contraptions. "What the hell ARE those things?" Tara shouted.
"Battlebots. Don't tell me you've never seen Battlebots?" The return of the confused stare on Tara's face was enough of an answer. "Robot fighting. A sport bloody and violent enough to make cock fighting look like minor cock disputes. Robots fight each other with funny weaponry. Though apparently they're here to fight us."
"Hey," Katharyn asked, "what good is a wedge? How are they going to flip us?"
Michelle, however, had decided to try and do something instead of partake in witty banter. "Elements are brought to bear. Wind, earth, and water churn amidst the fire. Let the air be burned."
Immediately, the air was stiff and tingly. The robots started crackling and smoking. In a few seconds all the life had gone from them.
"You may have defeated my robots," Dr. Mors sneered, "but you will not stop me!" A poof of smoke popped up, and Mors was gone. Michelle turned her head to the door, which Mors was trying desperately to open up. "Crap! My exit is ruined!"
"We locked it, numbnuts," supermus quipped, rolling his eyes in the general direction of the mad, or at least a little ticked-off, scientist.
"What's your plan!?" Michelle shouted as she wrung him up by his neck. "How are you going to do it?"
"Easy. A blanket of magic energy covering the planet. Invisible, deadly. Every spell done will slowly eat up the caster until they're gone. The Earth shall be purged of your scurge!"
"Can the melodramatics! Let me get this straight. You're using magic to do away with magic?" Tara shouted, and asked, in that order.
"Sometimes we must become what we hate in order to destroy it. You won't stop it!"
"How are you gonna start it if you're DEAD?"
"It's already started. There's nothing you can do. I shall-ACHHHH!" He shouted as she hit him hard in the jugular. She followed through with a smack straight to the nose, knocking him out.
"I'd say we have some work to do."
Chapter 24: And the award for most drawn-out plot goes to...
"All right, move a step and I'll slash her throat," Mors threatened from behind Tara. With grace and dexterity amazing for a man of his advancing years(and stupidity), he swiped a knife from his pant leg and had Tara by the neck in a matter of seconds.
"Doesn't a guy stay unconcious anymore?" Michelle quipped, diverting his attention away from supermus. Supermus quickly swished out Amber and took aim. Come on girl, he thought, You can do it. She went flying through the air, slicing Mors's knife hand clean off.
"OW! JEEZ! Talk about over-reacting! OW!" He shouted in pain. Meanwhile Tara picked up the knife from the ground. It had a fine blade that glowed if the light was at the light angle.
"Ah shut up ya crybaby," Michelle shot back at him. "Be mended, be grown," she chanted with a finger in his direction. In no time he had a full-grown hand.
"Thanks," he said back to her, still reeling from the blow.
Tara was still admiring the blade. It weighed next to nothing, but she could tell it was strong enough to cut through a steel beam. "Hey," she said in supermus's direction, "if you've got Amber, then I've got Sting here. Not stung, not will sting, present tense: sting," she said, apparently doing her Dana Carvey impression. "So, 'Doctor', tell me, how far is your little project?" Tara asked in her best interrogative tone.
"I will tell you noth-" he started, but was rudely interrupted by Sting pinning the crotch of his pants to the wall behind him. "Okay, okay, I'll tell you."
"Good, cuz next time I won't miss," Tara threatened, still in interrogation mode.
"It's set to launch in three hours. The emitter is in Alabama. Leesville, Alabama. This is just the control center, but once I noticed you folks I put it in lockdown mode, this place can't stop it now. Ahhh!" he shouted as Tara took Sting back, in a sharp yank which was none too comfortable for Mors.
"Come on, people, let's get moving! We're going back to that damn carnival," Michelle urged them on.
"I hate carnivals," Tara commented.
Chapter 25: Hey, what do you wanna bet I can aim the grenade into the dish?
"How did we miss this the first time?" Pixie asked, gawking at the site in front of her.
"It's so obvious," Katharyn added.
"I mean, we were staring right at it. There was just a wall in the way."
Remember that creepy house from like chapter 17? The huge cavernous room? Apparently in their awe at the sheer size of it, they had failed to notice the trap door below the actual door into the room. Nor had they noticed the door across the pit. Luckily, Wiccagrrl noticed the door when she swung smack into it. And I mean smack! Hanging 10 stories from a bungee cord, she flew back up at the end of the rope, and in the process flew back. Like a pendulum, she swung forward and crashed into the door, knocking it down.
"So, what do we do? I mean, we can't just knock it down. It's huge! If we do a spell, it'll kill us!"
"Ooh! I know! We hit it with a grenade launcher! Like in Goldeneye, for N64, where there's that giant satilite, and you launch a grenade into it, only that never works," supermus ranted, a bit glumly at the end."OK. How bout we come up with some more plans," Tara suggested.
"Ooh! The rocket launcher always hit the target, let's try that!"
"We're not attacking a smurf here! Let's try something... less Goldeneye related."
"I have a really, REALLY bad idea."
"What? What? WHAT?"
"We need to destroy it right? And it'll kill anyone who does a spell? Well, If I do a spell to stop it..."
"NO! No one will die here! We're all making it!"
"If I don't stop it, a good chunk of us will die anyways, not to mention millions of innocents! I have to!"
"You don't have to! If anyone should die, it should be a real agent like me!"
"I won't let you! You have something you have to do! You have a mission! This is what I have to do!"
. 