I don't usually write fan fiction, but after seeing Bargaining recently something moved me to write. So here it is. Feedback is definitely appreciated.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, Fox and UPN.

Spoilers: The Gift (Season 5) and Bargaining Part 1 (Season 6).





The blank page stared up at me as I debated how to start describing the horrible events that have consumed my life over the past two months. I made a promise to myself when I started writing in this diary to record everything that happened in my life, down to the very last bagel. However, I just couldn't write about this, as if seeing it in writing would make it real instead of a nightmare that I kept hoping I would wake up from. I hid my diary so that it wouldn't keep reminding me that I didn't have the courage to face up to this, but today I couldn't hide any longer. I knew that it was time to record my life as it now was.



Dear Diary,

Forty-six days ago the event that I have been dreading since my sophomore year in high school finally came to pass. Forty-six days ago Buffy Summers died to save us all. I am now live in the world without her. The pain is so deep, so raw even now. My heart cannot accept what my mind knows is true, my beloved slayer is gone. That night, forty-six days ago, the portal between the worlds was open by the spilling of Dawn's blood and the dimensions began to bleed into one another. It was Buffy, however, not Dawn, that leapt into the portal giving it the blood it craved to seal it closed again. Now I fear that her soul is trapped in one of the Hell dimensions that she saved us from. Trapped, screaming for help, enduring pain beyond belief as I walk down sun drenched streets or sit and sip icy mochas at the Espresso Pump.



Forty-four days ago we put Buffy's body in a box and covered it with dirt. I felt and still feel like I have betrayed her by giving up so easily. I should have found the spell and its ingredients quicker. I should not have let them put her in a coffin. I should have brought her back to life, but I did not know then what I know now. I should have studied more.



Forty-six days ago, however, something wonderful did happen. My Tara was restored to me. I was able to return her mind and her personality that Glory had stolen from her. I don't know what I would of done without her. She is my soulmate, my pillar of strength. She was the one who picked up the shattered remains of Dawn's and my life and crafted us into a little family unit. Tara and I moved in with Dawn the day after Buffy's funeral. Emotionally, it was a hard thing to do. Tara and I are now sleeping in Joyce's room, as Dawn and I couldn't bring ourselves to change Buffy's room in any way. However, I still feel like I have done something wrong by redecorating Joyce's room, like I have degraded her memory or something. Then again, I know Joyce would just call me sentimental and would be totally okay with me and Tara moving into her room to take care of Dawn. Her girls were always so much more important than any possession she owned. I am so sorry Joyce that I didn't take better care of Buffy, but that will all change soon. I will do what I should have done forty-six days ago and then I promise you Joyce that I will keep her safe too. My heart longs for the day that all of us will be together under the one roof. For the moment though, it has to be content keeping the three of us together and safe.



Tara has been amazing in that respect, then again I always knew she had a maternal streak in her a mile wide. She has given Dawn a sense of routine and normality in her disrupted and traumatic life. A chores chart now graces the fridge door with stickers of little black cats placed near the chores we remembered to do and little frowny faces against the one we forgot about. We have a set meal time for breakfast and dinner and a set date on Wednesday nights for quality time. Dawn is thriving on these new routines and seems almost happy at times. She keeps telling us again and again how much she appreciates us being there. Like I could abandon my little Dawnie.



I am often amused by the thought of what the government would think about two lesbian witches raising a teenage girl. Then reality crashes in and I know what they would think, they would take Dawn away from us if they ever found out. I couldn't bear losing Dawn; she is like a little part of Buffy still existing in this world. That's why I have repaired and reactivated the Buffy bot, so that the government and the residences of Hell, who are not all that different when you think about it, will still think that Buffy is alive. It has been a long slow process but finally the Buffy bot is able to slay and act almost Buffy-like. There are still hitches though and currently we are trying to train the Buffy bot to attend Dawn's parent/teacher day tomorrow. I really wish I could take Dawn. I would love to be able to chat with her teaches and find out more ways that I can help Dawn with her education, but that wouldn't really help in keeping up the appearance that Buffy is still alive.



Sometimes when I glance at the Buffy bot I think, just for a second, that it really is Buffy, then I remember that it is simply a collection of wires and metal that just looks like my best friend. Oh gods, Buffy I miss you so much. Who am I going to tell my deepest secrets to now, and who is going to tell me that I am the coolest nerd around? Reading back over that it sounds like I am completely discounting how much Tara means to me, but Buffy was the first person who ever made me feel good about myself. She was the first person who actually thought I was cool and attractive, and just maybe she was the first girl I ever had a crush on. Tara tells me how much I mean to her everyday in the way she looks at me, the way she holds me, and in those little whispers in our darkened bedroom. I could not imagine living without those, but nor can I imagine living without Buffy being there to tell me that I am still a great person to know. My fragile self-esteem needs them both and is barely surviving with only one of them there.



"Willow!" Buffy's voice jolted through my body and I turned to see the Buffy bot standing at my doorway, "Tara told me to come and get you and Dawn for dinner. I have already told Dawn and now I am telling you that Tara wants you to come downstairs for dinner."



"I'll be there in a second," I said packing up my diary and returning it to it's hiding spot. I walked out into the hallway and saw Dawn sadly watching the Buffy bot walk down the stairs. I walked over to her and gently wrapped my arms around her.



"I wish Buffy was here," Dawn whispered.



"Tomorrow she will be," I thought.