Title: Eulogies
Author: wolliw
email: violettrefusis@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, etc. etc. No profit is being made by me.
Rating: PG
Notes:
This is a short post-The Gift piece, and is what the title suggests: eulogies delivered by the gang at some gathering after Buffy's death. Some speeches are more eulogish than others though. I felt compelled to write this for my own catharsis; if it works for anyone else, so much the better.
It's not really a W/T piece, but I'm posting it here because this is where I've mostly been coming (and mostly lurking) for my post-The Gift psychotherapy ; hope that's OK.
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EULOGIES
ANYA
I thought I'd worked this out after Joyce died. People have to die. Or else, with all the sex and having babies that goes on, well, every day and everywhere, it would get too crowded and we'd run out of food and room and money, and that would be no good.
But I thought we'd already given up our one. We lost Joyce. Why did we have to lose Buffy as well? I mean, I bet if you did the math, you'd find that Buffy ate less and took up less space than the average human being. And used up less money; that is, if you don't count the leather pants part, which I don't, 'cause I'm sure that's some sort of slayer uniform requirement.
So, so I don't understand anymore. I don't. I mean, I understand the whole ‘Buffy died to save the world by her blood' thing fine. But not the ‘we're all standing around in horrible grief and pain again' thing. Because how many times is this supposed to happen? I want to know, I want to know when the next time is so I can be prepared.
I wasn't ready last time. I wasn't ready this time. I must have learned some things from the last time, but I have no idea what they are. But I think it's alright to say I wish Buffy hadn't died, because she was ... Buffy, and now we all hurt.
XANDER
When I was growing up, I heard the words "Get over it." in my family a lot. You get hurt, or disappointed, or feel hard done by – tough; get over it. So I would; more or less. Some things were harder than others, of course. And some things are still harder than others.
They say physical activity's good for emotional pain. Making holes in walls didn't work so good last time, so ... over the weekend I built us a bookshelf we didn't need, which now stands empty in the living room, and doesn't help me get over it.
There is the whole don't-think-about-it routine that I perfected as a kid. At least, I thought I'd perfected it. Clearly I'm out of practice, 'cause I am so far from being able to not think about this that I might as well invite all the pink elephants of the world into my brain while I'm at it.
Oh, and I've tried crying too. A lot and loudly. Doesn't seem to help for more than a very short while each time though.
But you know what? Sometimes I think I don't really want to get over it. Not if it means accepting this as remotely okay, even in the cosmic sense.
I don't want a world without Buffy.
I don't want to get used to feeling alright with that. It's the way things are, I know. No matter how much useless furniture I make, mental games I try, how much I cry or rail against the universe – even if anyone's listening – I can't change that.
But I can't really accept it. Not yet.
TARA
Lives – including human lives – they end every minute, every second. But when it's someone you know, someone you love, you still don't get it. Not in your heart, even if you understand it in your head. You just don't get why they have to be gone.
For a long time, it seems like nothing really helps. Words don't help, actions don't help. Because that big "Why?" question just thunders about inside you whatever you or anybody does.
I don't know if that question ever really goes away completely. But I know for me, I try to remember that before Buffy died, she lived. She had a life that was connected to our own.
All of you knew her for longer than I did. And I bet you still feel like it wasn't long enough; you want more. But there were people who didn't know her at all, who will never know her. So in a way, it's already amazing for us to have shared what we did with her.
Anyway, that's what helps me. Before Buffy died, she lived.
WILLOW
As you all know, I'm a witch. A pretty, well, powerful one, especially with Tara here.
I wasn't always a powerful witch though; I didn't even used to have any witchy powers. But even back when I was just Research Girl, I managed to survive all my patrol outings; I mean, yeah, hairs were definitely raised on numerous occasions ... but it never resulted in significant blood loss on my part.
Because most of the time, Buffy had my back. And my front. And, well, both my sides. And I felt that.
Not just in a cemetery-vamp-dusting way, either.
She was there for me. It's true that we did kind of lose each other for a while last year, but luckily, we found each other again – courtesy of, in a weird way, I guess, a uranium-powered cyborg demon. That was the thing about being friends with Buffy – in the end, we didn't let the nasties get in the way.
I can't really believe she's gone; but she must be, because I don't feel her behind or in front or beside me anymore. The only place I can find her still is inside me. But sometimes I want to see her so badly I don't know how I can get through the moment without being able to. The images I have in my head – my memories of us together, along with some ... imagined conversations – sometimes that just doesn't come close to cutting it.
There are things that I never got to tell her, to ask her. Like why she never wore the dress Tara and I gave her for her birthday – was it *too* frilly? And who she imagined as Dream Guy now, now that Riley– well, so I was giving her some more time on that one.
Or – insanely, I know – what she felt when she jumped into the portal. I want to ask her, "How long did it last? Did it hurt?" 'Cause I really hope it didn't hurt. She was hurt enough when she was alive; she shouldn't have to be hurt in death.
I want to tell her how much I miss her. I mean, I tell her that a thousand times a day in my head. But like I said, sometimes you want the flesh-and-blood person. It's kind of silly; if she were here to tell it to, I wouldn't need to tell her. But I want to so much anyway. Anyway, in case there's a slightly less remote chance that saying it out loud here will sound louder to wherever she is than just thinking it to myself:
I miss you, Buffy.
GILES
During my time as Buffy's
In the
In the years that I
It's alright, I'm, I'm alright, Willow. No, I have, I have a handkerchief actually.
In the years that I knew her, Buffy questioned her responsibilities as the Slayer a number of times, particularly at the beginning. And right near the end.
Whenever she did, I would remind her that she didn't really have a choice. Or, in any case, she wasn't meant to have one. Her job description was rather clear.
So despite an occasional struggle against her destiny, Buffy carried out her duty in exemplary manner almost all the time. All of us here were witness to the formidable fighting skills she had honed, we know the regularity of her patrolling, remember the number of apocalypses she was instrumental in averting.
When she did slip up, she never took the easy way out. She stood fast, and faced the consequences, something that requires uncommon character when you know you could probably get away with not doing so.
Nevertheless, in this last – this last apocalyptic crisis, I must admit that I was worried. Worried that Buffy would finally truly falter, that her emotions would override her sense of duty.
How ashamed I am of my doubts now. I should have known that Buffy wouldn't have let us down. She fulfilled her duties with the honour and bravery of a thousand armies.
She did what needed to be done, and yet I can't help feeling furious that she has deprived us – deprived me of herself, forever. Because, like you, Anya, I wasn't ready.
But remember that this is what she wanted; this is what she chose. We can do most honour to her – her love, her courage, her extraordinary heart – by mourning not too lengthily, not too deeply, her absence from us now. Because we have her with us always in the very fact of the lives that she allowed each of us to keep having, every day.
DAWN
Buffy died so that I could live. I guess that makes her kinda like Jesus; except that she wasn't some guy with long hair and a beard. Or someone who lived a long time ago a long way from here. She was my sister.
This year, she told me she loved me a lot. I like remembering that. Except then sometimes this completely crazy question pops up in my head: if she loved me so much, why'd she leave me? It's not that I've forgotten the portal and the blood and the almost end-of-the-world happenings. But ... I also have to remind myself that taking care of me wasn't her only job. That she had to think about the rest of the world too. And she didn't just die to save me.
It used to seem like she'd always be on top of everything. Well, except for the stuff that Mom took care of. But then she had to cover that as well. She had herself and me *and* the world as her responsibilities. For a long time she didn't really let anyone help her with the her part of it. But when she finally let me take care of her, just a little, that's when I began to really understand what it means to love someone.
Before she died, she told me we have to take care of each other. I know I'm still a kid, but I want to. I need you to take care of me. But I want to take care of you as well. That's what Buffy wanted too.
Hey Spike.
Spike. You can say something if you want.
SPIKE
Right then. Thanks, Dawn.
Right then.
Well.
I've been on this world longer than all of you lot combined. Oh yeah, 'cept you, of course, Anya.
Anyway, I know a lot of facts, a lot of truths about humans, and human existence; kind of pays off when you are what I am. So all of what you've said, I understand. I do. But there's no comfort in it, not for me.
Because while she's lying six feet under the sodding ground, there are countless people walking upon it right now; walking and eating and shagging ....and living. I don't give a bleeding toss about them. I'd trade those millions of lives in a second to get her back. If I could make a deal with the devil .... But I know if I did, she'd be furious. Probably stake me as soon as she returned, and then bloody go about undoing it all.
See, I don't think like she did. Humans rarely do, actually; it's too hard to give up what's most precious. And I'm not human; I haven't been human in ... well, in a long time. But if I were, maybe I'd be inspired by this to try and be like her – noble, self-sacrificing, a hero.
Or maybe I'd just hold on more tightly to the people who mattered to me, treat'em better from now on, and be more glad than I'd ever been that they were still with me here in this world. Remembering what's truly precious.
BUFFY
The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.
Edited to change the title, since, as BTG points out, I picked the wrong death-associated E-word! Thanks, BTG.
[This message has been edited by wolliw (edited May 26, 2001).]
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AlexisMQ
Blessed Wannabe
Posts: 11
Registered: May 2001 posted May 25, 2001 11:25
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Wow. That was awesome Wolliw! Really nice job of nailing all the characters.
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Shewolf
Blessed Wannabe
Posts: 8
Registered: May 2001 posted May 25, 2001 11:44
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Oh my god!You actually made my eyes tear up.
I like the order you put the speeches on, and try as I may, I can't pinpoint my favourite speech.Probably poor Dawnie's...
And I loved the fact she told Spike he could say something.And poor Spike!
As you can see,I've lost the ability to make coherent sentences.Usually, in fics, when there is an emotionnal speech, it is usually too sappy, and out of character-yours wasn't.
I could see the characters in my head, saying the words, and I doubt even the Joss man could have done better (well, maybe Joss, but still,you rock!) Keep writing.
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wolliw
Cool Monster Fighter
Posts: 279
Registered: Nov 2000 posted May 25, 2001 16:10
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Thanks, AlexisMQ and Shewolf .
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Shaniezak
Willowhand
Posts: 334
Registered: Apr 2001 posted May 25, 2001 16:15
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Wolliw, that was beautiful.
I couldn't pick a favorite among them, and you got all the characters' personalities dead on. Dawn's piece and Giles's piece are particularly poignant, and I love the shortness, simplicity, and intrinsic wisdom of Tara's.
Is this going up on a website anywhere? I'd love to print a copy of this out.
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"Willow? I got so lost . . ."
"I found you. I will always find you."
-- Tara and Willow, "The Gift"
"Even in death, Gabrielle . . . I will never leave you."
-- Xena, "One Against An Army"
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peekaboo
Blessed Wannabe
Posts: 12
Registered: May 2001 posted May 25, 2001 16:23
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there grrreat... oops sorry sounded like Tony the tiger there for a second!
I especially like Spike's and Giles' epitaphs
keep it up!
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wolliw
Cool Monster Fighter
Posts: 279
Registered: Nov 2000 posted May 25, 2001 22:28
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quote:
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Originally posted by Shaniezak:
Is this going up on a website anywhere?
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Actually, I wouldn't know where to post it to. The only Buffy fanfic sites I know are all shippy (e.g. W/T, B/F), and this doesn't really fit. I know there are general fic sites out there, but I imagine there are so many that how would one choose?!
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tommo
Gay Now!
Posts: 1444
Registered: Sep 2000 posted May 25, 2001 22:31
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I'm sure that no one would object if you wanted to post this on a predominantly shippy site. It's got so much love in it anyway...
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"It doesn't matter, really, if I don't see Willow tonight, she knew. Willow was in her life, for keeps. That was what mattered." ~ Tara, Unseen: The Burning
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Catwoman
Nether World Anchor
Posts: 511
Registered: Jan 2001 posted May 25, 2001 22:51
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These are really beautiful. You captured the characters perfectly.
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wiltar4evr
Cool Monster Fighter
Posts: 135
Registered: Mar 2001 posted May 26, 2001 00:16
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Wow, that was truly wonderful! You hit the characterizations right on. Truly wonderful. I felt like I was there listening to them speak at a funeral. And it made me misty eye'd.
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WTXenGab
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Roxton
Strong like an Amazon
Posts: 2020
Registered: Sep 2000 posted May 26, 2001 00:54
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That was wonderful wolliw. You captured the various personalities perfectly. I felt like they were right in the room with me.
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knike74
Blessed Wannabe
Posts: 17
Registered: May 2001 posted May 26, 2001 01:54
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That was perfect........it really sort of rounded up how the gang must be feeling
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Beautiful Tara's Girl
Willowhand
Posts: 387
Registered: Oct 2000 posted May 26, 2001 02:25
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But can you do ones for Angel, Cordy, Wesley and Faith?
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Shaniezak
Willowhand
Posts: 334
Registered: Apr 2001 posted May 26, 2001 05:27
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Yeah, I'm with BTG. You did such a wonderful job with all the characters that I'd love to see your version of the Los Angeles faction's feelings upon hearing the news.
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wolliw
Cool Monster Fighter
Posts: 279
Registered: Nov 2000 posted May 26, 2001 12:33
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Thanks very much for all the feedback, people.
quote:
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Originally posted by tommo:
I'm sure that no one would object if you wanted to post this on a predominantly shippy site.
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Guess not. Thanks for the thought.
quote:
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Originally posted by Beautiful Tara's Girl:
But can you do ones for Angel, Cordy, Wesley and Faith?
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Oh god. Just when I thought I was recovering a little from the pain, you go and put more people being sad into my head! I'd forgotten them LA folks ....
So, if my still-battered insides are up to it, maybe .
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DirtyCookie
Blessed Wannabe
Posts: 13
Registered: May 2001 posted May 26, 2001 15:07
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That. was. awesome.
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She's my everything....
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littlekitty
Floating Rose
Posts: 28
Registered: May 2001 posted May 26, 2001 16:56
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That was great, there were tears in my eyes!
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Purple Monkey Dishwasher
[This message has been edited by littlekitty (edited May 26, 2001).]
[This message has been edited by littlekitty (edited May 26, 2001).]
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Beautiful Tara's Girl
Willowhand
Posts: 387
Registered: Oct 2000 posted May 26, 2001 20:36
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Oh, and not to nitpick, but...well, it's a justified nitpick.
An epitaph is what is written on a gravestone. The word you're looking for is EULOGY (check my spelling) - a short speech about one recently deceased.
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shannon720
Cool Monster Fighter
Posts: 127
Registered: Mar 2001 posted May 26, 2001 20:45
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wow. i agree with beautiful tara's girl: please do more.
-shannon
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Zahir
Nether World Anchor
Posts: 578
Registered: Nov 2000 posted May 27, 2001 00:54
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Beautiful.
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"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam