The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: Fic: I don't know if I Can
PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2002 2:48 pm 
Hello all. I'm not actually new to the board, I've been lurking for over a month now. Yes, I know lurking = evil. But I just never seem to have anything to say. Plus which, you guys seem to pretty much have a handle on how to say things and say them better that I could. Anyway, I've been reading the fics that you guys post up here and they are pretty amazing. I'm now addicted. I have to come on the board at least 3 times a day to see if there are any updates

Anyway, an idea for a fic popped into my head and I thought I'd send it out to you guys knowing you'd be honest and fair about it. This is my first Willow/Tara Fic and my first fic in over a year. This is the first part, please tell me if it's worth my (and your) time to continue.



"I Don't Know if I Can"



By Mjovi1



Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please don't sue.

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Up to "As you Were"

Summary: Tara writes a letter.



Part 1?



So, I'm getting phone calls from her now. Which is good, right? I mean, I want her to call me. So what if along with the joy and giddyness that I feel when I hear her voice, there is also a ting of hurt and betrayal? She did hurt me, Oh God, she hurt me. But she's doing better and I have to believe that one of the reasons she is doing better is because of me. Not because I did a spell or anything like that, because that would be horrible and slightly hypocritical, but because she wants to be with me. I have to believe that I'm that important to her. That one of the reasons why she's gone more than a month without doing magicks is because she wants me back. I hope I somehow factor into that equation.



I don't think I can decribe how much it hurt to leave her. I can try to decribe it by saying that it was something akin to having someone reach into the very core of me and pull out my essence, my soul, my very reason for being, but even then the analogy doesn't come close to the pain I felt. You have to understand that she was my everything. Before her, well, you know how I was before her, shy, akward, unsure, in short, a wreck. She gave me confidence. I know that doesn't seem to be that big of a thing to you, but to me, that was something phenominal. Confidence. Wow. Because of her, because of the love she had for me, I felt capable of doing anything. Like an angel getting his wings, a bird soaring in the sky...all of that lovey-dovey stuff. She gave it to me. And oh, how I soared. I was doing things I never before imagined that I could do, making friends, voicing my opinions, telling jokes, walking into a room without hiding behind my hair. Now THAT was something extraordinary.



Everytime I used to walk into a room I would get butterflies in my stomach. I KNEW that inside that room, there would be strangers ready and willing to judge, mock, and ridicule me. Ready to, with just a glance at the awkward being that was me, point their fingers and laugh at my inadaquecy. Everytime I walked into a room, I was terrified. My hair was my only defense. Somehow, by not allowing the strangers full view of my face, I could, at least partially, block their venom. Oh, I was a mess.



But then she came into my life and everything changed. I didn't start spouting poetry in her name or spontaneously sing her love songs, well once, but that was mostly because of a spell. But I had that all in me. I was giddy with love. It poured out of every cell in my being. And I'll stop now. I think you get the gist. I loved her.



So you see why her betrayal was so hurtful to me. She gave me the world, then she took it away from me. She played God. And a part of me almost hates her for it. You'd tell me that it isn't healthy to hate, that the only person I'm hurting is myself. And I'd say you're right. I'm hurting, I'm hurting all over.



She saw the error of her ways, however. She realizes that magick isn't good for her. She hurt Dawnie, she cried for help. So while I wasn't the reason she stopped, maybe I'll be a motivation for her not to continue?



Will that be good enough for me?



I'm sca-



Oh the phone is ringing, it's her, I know it is.



Momma, she wants me back, I can see it in her eyes, the way she pleads with them without meaning too...should I forgive her?





Okay guys, here is the next part. Tell me what you think.

"I Don't Know if I Can"



By Mjovi1 (Mari)



Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please don't sue.

Rating: R.

Spoilers: Up to "As you Were"

Summary: Tara dreams.



Part 2





I lie in bed at night and I dream of her.



Dream of her holding me, touching me, kissing me.



She comes to me in shadows - a ghost, a whisper, an invention.



I can feel her warm breath on my cheek as she leans into me. Her hands, smooth and strong, touch my hair. Her lips, firm and unyielding, press into mine. She is so beautiful, my angel. I look at her and I'm literally bathed in light. She is ethereal, glowing, woman, goddess. Fiery hair and emerald eyes, she is the heroine in my love story. She has come to rescue me, to ignite my passions.



In my bed, alone, I squirm.



In my dream, I whimper.



Her lips have now left mine and venture downward. Her hands, no longer touching my hair, are now moving persistently down the side of my body, brushing up against my breasts. Her thumbs are so close to grazing my nipples...they peak in anticipation. I arch my back, wanting the contact, needing the contact. I want this woman. I want what she can do to me. Her hands continue down my body until they reach the hem of my nightgown. Slowly, she starts to move the nightgown up. I raise up my hips to allow her access and her hands stop their upward movement. She stops, leans in and...smells me. The muskiness, the arousal, the wetness. Her pupils dilate, here eyes darken and she unconsciously licks her lips. I bite back a moan. She hesitates for a second but then continues to move my nightgown up, both of us wanting the barrier between our bodies off. When she has the nightgown bunched up at my wrists she stops. She is hovering over me, her hands and the nightgown acting as a makeshift rope binding my wrists together over my head.



She is in control and she knows it.



Her lightness suddenly fades. Her eyes turn black and she smiles. No longer my angel she now become something dark, sinister, and threatening. The nightgown turns into shackles, tight on my wrists, cutting off circulation. The desire that she had in her eyes now turns into hunger, primal and vicious, it seeks possession. She has now become something I fear. She is still my love, my Willow, and yet I can't help but cower. She leans in, as if to kiss me again and I close my eyes. I'm afraid she'll notice the fear in them, terrified she'll see the arousal.



I'm my bed, alone, I wake.



My bedsheets are twisted around my body and my breath comes in shallow pants. I open my eyes and see the morning sun through the window shades. I turn away from the sun, cover my eyes with my arm and cry.





"I Don't Know if I Can."

By Mjovi1



Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please don't sue.

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Up to "As you Were"

Summary: The moment of truth.





Today I did something that made her cry.



She invited me over to her house and I, knowing better, went anyway-because I missed her. I missed her face, her eyes, her hands, her body…I missed her voice. The way that she talks; they way she goes off in a tangent when she is nervous. I missed the adorable way that she smiles. I missed my Willow.



So off I went to the house that used to be my home and getting there, I was nervous. She opened the door and I could tell she was nervous too. It was Buffy’s birthday party all over again. But we managed to get over it and started actually talking.



Oh, it was fun momma. She made me giddy. Just sitting down next to her, hearing her voice, seeing the excitement in her eyes when we got to talking about a subject that fascinated her…It was us. The way we used to be.



She was in the middle of telling me something about one of her classes, I honestly can’t remember what. I was too busy taking in Willow to actually HEAR Willow. Does that make sense? I was too busy watching her- her movements, her energy, to actually discern the words that were coming out of that um, very sexy mouth.



Anyway, in the middle of what I’m sure was a very impassioned speech, she grabbed my hand. Not consciously, more of a caught up in the moment way. But it stopped her mid-ramble and it stopped me mid-stare.



She looked at me expectantly wondering if I would pull my hand away or if I would turn it over and interlock my fingers with hers. I wanted to do the latter. It would be so simple wouldn’t it? Just to take that hand into mine and give us a chance, a promise of a future. I could see the twin emotions of fear and hope in her eyes, fear of rejection, and hope of forgiveness, all in one simple touching of hands. I gave in, I wanted a future. I turned my hand and grabbed hers. She smiled. It was a wondrous smile, blinding. As if she were a kid and I had just given her a shiny new bike. I smiled in return. I couldn’t help it, how can you not return a Willow smile?



Then that smile wavered and her eyes got watery. I panicked. I was wondering what I did. Should I have not taken her hand? Was it too soon? I started to take my hand away but her grip got tighter.



“Stay.” She said, “Please.” So I did. I leaned back into the couch and took a tighter grip of her hand.



It seemed as if we stayed that way forever, just holding hands and staring at nothing.



Then she started talking.



“Tara, I don’t, I mean, I’m so…”



“Shhh. Not now. We’ll, talk about it, we need to talk about it, but this is good, right now, this is good.”



She nodded and we went back to sitting in silence.



I started making little circles on her wrist with my thumb. Her hand jerked and her pulse quickened. I didn’t mean to start that, truly. It was just that her hand felt so good in mine and I had to touch more of it. I kept making the circles and I felt her breath quicken. She turned her body towards mine, her mouth half open, exuding shallow pants. I looked at her, wanting. She leaned in and kissed me…it was like coming home. There was the Willow taste I remembered, the sweet breath on my mouth, the smooth tongue on my lip. I sighed. Content. Then leaned in and took more. Here was my Willow, my everything.



I stopped and opened my eyes to see her. She opened hers too. The wanting in them was evident. Her pupils were dilated, engulfing the green, turning the eyes almost black. Black. I inwardly shuddered.





“Tara?”



I shook my head and smiled at her. She’s Willow. It was okay. My dream came back to me, her in control. *She has so much power over me. She is my everything and she could destroy me.* I tried to block those thoughts out and started kissing her again, but all I saw when I closed my eyes was me. Broken, defeated, nothing. Because if she did this again, if she used me again, I’d be nothing.



“Tara honey, Will you give me another chance? Will you give us another chance?” She whispered against my lips.



Chains, shackles, blackness, emptiness. I stopped abruptly and tore my lips from hers. I was out of breath and my chest was heaving. I looked at her and saw my world. I looked at her and saw misery.



“I don’t know if I can.”









"I Don't Know if I Can."

By Mjovi1

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please don't sue.

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Up to "As you Were"

Summary: Tara makes a decision.



Part 4



I left the house a few minutes later, leaving her behind looking devastated and crying. Her body was bunched up defensively into the sofa almost as if it could protect her from the harshness of what I had just said. She looked in a word, defeated. I felt the same way.



Momma, I know she didn’t understand, God, even I don’t understand - except to say that I’m torn. I love her so much, but just the thought of being with her fills me with dread. That can’t be good right? I’m not supposed to be scared to be with my lover. I think that the logical thing for me to do would be to break it off - end it once and for all. I know in my head, that this is the right decision. This will hurt her less in the long run, will hurt me less. I can’t give her what she so desperately needs, my forgiveness. And by not allowing her that, then I, in essence, cannot give her a future with me.



Have I mentioned that I need her?



That my dreams are haunted by her? Or that I can’t go through a day without thinking about what she is doing? Have I mentioned that I’ve memorized all her quirky facial expressions or the way her hands feel when they are traveling down my body, or that I could recognize her voice in a room full or people? Have I mentioned that her hair smells perfect, that her mind really is the sexiest part of her? That her kisses drive me wild, that her hand on the back of my neck, her fingertips grazing the skin, will make me so aroused that I immediately start concocting ways to get her alone in a room? That she can be so engrossed in a book, but that one kiss of mine behind her ears has her tossing that book across the room and turning around to grab hold of me?



Have I mentioned that I love her?



If soul mates exist, I know she is mine. If ever there was a perfect person for me, it is she. And yet, I’m terrified, immobile in my fear. And that fear is so enormous, it encompasses everything else. Including love. My survival instincts have kicked in. I’m being selfish, but I need to survive.



So I’m going to tell her once and for all the one thing that I’ve been denying to myself ever since she took away my memory, my choices – there is no hope.



"I Don't Know if I Can."

By Mjovi1

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please don't sue.

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Up to "As you Were"

Summary: Tara gets a visitor.

Part 5



I'm finally at peace. Devastated but at peace. This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life, leaving Willow; letting go.



I'm thinking of leaving Sunnydale. Not right this second leaving, but once I find another school to transfer to, another place to stay, I'm going.



God, I have to figure out how to tell Dawn- Buffy. I'm worried about Buffy right now. She's in so much pain, momma. It tears me up inside to know that she is suffering so. I realize she was happier where she was, in heaven, and that she probably wishes we hadn't brought her back. But we weren't happy, we were barely surviving. We needed her, desperatley. Dawn and...Willow they needed her so much.



I know she'll be okay though, she is loved. Once she opens her heart to all the love that her friends are offering her and tell them what is going on, the burden that she is carrying around by herself will be lifted.



I honestly don't even know where to start about Dawn. I've written to you about her, remember? She's so beautiful momma. So wonderful. Right now she is such a typical teenager. Was I like that? All full of bravado and spitfire? She uses brittle come-backs and witty one-liners as a defense against all the possible daggers that could be aimed at her heart. She doesn't want it hurt more than it already is.

What would I say to her? What could I say that would make my leaving alright? She loves me as much as I love her.



I can't think about this now. All I know is that I have to get away. I've made my decision and staying will only make it harder to follow through. If I stay, I'll run into her, I know I will. And in running into her, I'll see her beautiful eyes, maybe even hear her voice. And like a woman enchanted, I'll be cast under her spell again.



Oh this is impos-



Someone is at the door. I'm trembling. Willow?



"I Don't Know if I Can."

By Mjovi1

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please don't sue.

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Up to "As you Were"

Summary: Tara gets a visitor.

Part 6



Ahhh!!! I feel like screaming. Shouting at the injustice of it all. It wasn't Willow at the door a little while ago- it was Buffy. And to say that her attitude wasn't all Miss Suzy Sunshine would be putting it mildly. She was furious. Not, as I assumed, at Willow, but at me.



"I just left the house." She said. "How could you?"



"I...what?"



"She's devastated Tara!" She said. "I found Willow on the sofa crying her eyes out. When I asked her what was wrong she said your name, that was all, just 'Tara'."



Hearing that she was crying over me made my heart hurt. But darn it, I did what I had to do! So I stuck my chin out at Buffy defiantly, daring her to take her next shot. I was righteous in my anger.



"I figured she was just missing you as usual," she went on, "but then she tells me that you came by." Buffy stopped and took a breath, as if trying to calm herself. She looked up at me and her eyes were filled with pain for her friend. I looked away.



After a second she continued talking in a whisper, "She told me what you said."



I looked up at her startled. What I said?



____________________________________________



“Tara honey, Will you give me another chance? Will you give us another chance?” She whispered against my lips.



"I don't know if I can." I replied.



She jumped back, as if I had shocked her. In her eyes there was fear and just a hint of despair.



"What? I don't understand. I mean, I get why, but I thought...we were just, and... Huh?"



I sighed. "Willow. It isn't that I don't love you, I do. More than anything in the world." Upon hearing those words, my Willow smiled, the face that just a second ago was filled with fear now was brilliant in it's radiance. It physically pained me to say what was next, "But..."



"NO! No buts." She said, her voice quivering. "Stay with the loving me, loving me is good, because Tar, I love you too, mo-"



"But," I said again, determined to get this out, even if it killed us both, " I just don't see how this can work."



At this she got to her feet and stared down at me on the sofa, she looked determined.

"It can work, it has worked!" she said, almost pleading to me with her words. "Look, I know I messed up, believe me I know and what I did was terrible, unforgivable even, but Tara, I know you. You're the gentlest soul I've ever known. Your heart is full of love and understanding."



I could feel the tears start forming in my eyes.



"I know that I'm being selfish and basically relying on that wonderful nature that you have, but I love you and I need you soo much. I'm asking you to forgive me baby. Please, forgive me."



I was openly crying by then, hearing how she viewed me, knowing that she loved me, it warmed my soul and killed my spirit at the same time.



"Oh sweetie, I do. I do forgive you. Don't ever think that. I know that it was the magick controlling you, and I know that you stopped and I'm very, very proud of you. I forgive you Willow, I do."



"Then what is it?" She pleaded, "Why can't we just work this out?"



"Because I'm afraid!" I yelled.



She took a step back, startled, "Of what?"



"Of you."



_____________________________________________



"How could you?" Buffy whispered harshly.



My face hardened and I turned my back to her. "Please Buffy, just leave this be."



She turned me around. "No, I can't just leave this be. Damnit, it's Willow. I know she's made mistakes, but that doesn't make her something to be...afraid of." She spit the last two words out as if they were venom.



"You made her feel like a monster, like she was something evil...a demon."



"Oh, Buffy..." I said, realizing. I reached out my hand to comfort her but she shrugged away at my touch.



"You're my friend, Tara. I care about you and I thought I knew you...but I never imagined that you could be this cruel." With that she took something out of her jean pocket.



"Willow didn't know I was coming here and she certainly doesn't know I'm about to give you this," she handed me an envelope, "I was with her when she started writing it, a couple of days after my birthday party, when the two of you started talking again. I don't know exactly what she wrote but I do know that it is addressed to you. Take what you will from it."



With that she opened the door to my apartment and left.



Momma, I didn't want to open the letter believe me. I was terrified of the letter. I put it on my dresser and left it there, intent on ignoring it. I went about the house doing chores and making lists, trying not to think of what Buffy had said to me and certainly not thinking about what that letter said.



Ultimately however, its pull was too much for me and I succumbed to temptation.



________________________________________



Tara,



I don't know where to start. How does one go about starting a letter to the person she loves most in the world and the person she has hurt the most as well?



I could start by saying I'm sorry, but you know that. I have to believe you know that. Baby, I've made mistakes, big awful mistakes and I let this thing control me. But even while I was being all kooky, the only real thing to me was you. When you left me, after I did that spell, I knew you were right. I didn't admit it to myself but I was glad you left. Not because you were gone, because, God, that was unbearable, but because then I couldn’t' hurt you. I know I hurt you. And that kills me.



I was so scared Tara. Without you, everything was impossible. So predictably, I used that as an excuse to use more magic. And that magic was terrifying. Rack was terrifying. Knowing that I had that in me was terrifying. But it was better than facing up to everything. Better to knowing that I screwed up and that caused me to lose you.



The night of the accident with Dawn was the turning point for me. Everyone thinks that it's because I hurt Dawn and believe me that was a big reason, but it wasn't the main one.



I was in that car, tripping on magic, but I was aware. I knew the car was going too fast, I knew we were going to hit something-that we could get hurt. But I didn't care.



Part of me wanted to. I wanted to get hurt. I wanted to, I don't know; end up in a coma or something. Maybe even die.



I know this sounds terrible, God, I realize how awful it is now. But you were my everything and I had failed you and rather than face up to my mistakes, I, like a little child, wanted to use my death as a way out. Pretty stupid huh?



I was scared silly of what I had become. And it was then, after Dawn slapped me, boy that girl can hit, and after Buffy almost turned away, that I realized I had to grow up.



I wasn't who you feel in love with anymore. I was something spooky, something dark.



That night I cried out your name and knew I had to win you back.



Baby, everyday is a challenge, but everyday I know I can do it...for you.



I don't want to become that person again; I want to be the one you fell in love with. So, I'll try everyday, I'll win back your trust, I will. You're my everything and I love you.









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 Post subject: Re: Fic: I don't know if I Can
PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2004 8:23 am 
Awwwww.:happycry That is so sweet and i loved it.







great job.







brittney



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 Post subject: Re: Fic: I don't know if I Can
PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2006 8:24 pm 
Offline
2. Floating Rose
User avatar

Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2005 7:46 am
Posts: 35
Location: Fairview Park, Ohio
*falls* no, that's it? But... I was reading it!
Well written, usually I don't go for the first person fic, but I like this one. please don't just leave it there? I beg of you...finish it. cause my melodramatic and pessimistic and glass half empty, thought tendancies... will finish the story in my mind... and it won't be happy... or content to ever conclude.

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"Must be programmed to self-decrypt at a certain point... That is so annoying! It's like someone blurting out the answer to a riddle just when you've-- I mean Yippee! We have the information." Willow, Primeval


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 Post subject: Re: Fic: I don't know if I Can
PostPosted: Wed Feb 22, 2006 6:13 am 
Offline
1. Blessed Wannabe

Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 1:57 pm
Posts: 11
Location: Iowa
This fic should be in the completed archives under the name, "My Heart." Did finish it, just gave it a different name.

_________________
I am a writer, writer of ficitons, I am the heart that you call home. I've written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones. -The Decemberists "Engine Driver"


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