Special
By
DarkWiccan
Disclaimers: Willow and Tara and other characters borrowed from the television show “Buffy: The Vampire Slayer” are the property of their creator, Joss Whedon, and his affiliates, Mutant Enemy, Fox, and UPN.
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG-13
Coupling: C’mon, guys, this is me writing, who do you think?
Summary: All of the children of the world are special. But sometimes, some children are even more special than others.
Dedication: This story is dedicated to all of the families and caretakers of special people everywhere. www.opportunityvillage.org www.eastersealssn.org
Being a single mom isn’t easy. Understatement of the year. Not wanting to be mistaken, I adore my son with all of my heart. It’s just that some days…. It’s hard. Getting pregnant at nineteen was certainly not on my list of things to do in the grand scheme of my life… but it happened, and faced with the options of abortion, or giving the baby up for adoption, I chose to carry my son to term.
The thought of keeping him had not even entered my mind until he was born. He came out of me, and they laid him on my chest, and I just looked down at this amazing little baby looking back at me with wide and expressive blue eyes and I fell instantly in love. I can still remember the look on the couple’s face when I told them that I wouldn’t sign the papers releasing him into their custody. I still feel terrible about it. But after all, he is my son…mine… and it was my right to keep him if I wanted to.
My parents weren’t happy about it at first, either. But now they wouldn’t give up their grandson for the world on a silver platter. Just last year at Chanukah, my mother took me aside and said to me that she was glad that I kept him, and that she and my father couldn’t imagine their lives without him. I told her that I felt the same way.
I’ve tried to maintain as normal a life as possible, even while raising and providing for my son. I’ve somehow managed to squeeze in a few college courses, while working a full time job and caring for Joshua. That’s my son’s name, Joshua… Josh for short… or even J.J. sometimes. It depends on his mood… and mine too. He’s a good boy, even with the challenges.
My mother was the first to notice. I didn’t even realize anything was wrong. I didn’t know that by the time a baby reaches six months old, they should be able to sit up on their own, or hold their bottle, or crawl…or even stand a little. I didn’t know. But mom knew and she suggested that we take Josh to the doctor for some tests.
He was diagnosed as being mildly mentally retarded, with a possibility of being re-diagnosed as moderately retarded as he got older, depending on the progress of his development. I remember how my heart felt when the pediatrician had uttered those words, it felt like my chest had caved in and my entire world was sucked backwards threw the hole that was now there in the middle of me. I think I almost fainted, because I can remember my mother’s arms wrapping tightly around me and holding me in place. I just looked at Joshua, lying on his baby blanket on the floor, clumsily pawing at his rattle and I tried so hard to see the truth in what the doctor had said. I remember thinking, aren’t retarded babies ugly, or strange looking? Joshua isn’t either, he’s a beautiful little boy… how can a beautiful little boy be retarded?
I know it was terrible of me to think that, but I was trying to make sense of the suddenly crazy world that had sprung up around me in the span of four words, “Your son is retarded.” When your child is hurt or sick, you just want to kiss them and make it better, but no amount of kisses will ever be able to fix what’s wrong with my son. My baby.
Joshua was diagnosed two and a half years ago. He’s three years old now and still a beautiful boy, despite his slowness. He is a gem sent from heaven to be a part of my life and he makes everyday even more precious than the last.
I don’t see his father anymore. In truth, he walked out of our lives before Joshua was even born. I’m not even sure he knows that I kept our son. He probably assumes that he’s with a set of adoptive parents somewhere, if he even thinks about him at all.
His absence doesn’t bother me. He was a mistake anyway. The first man I’d ever slept with, and the first time I’d ever slept with him, and I got pregnant. Typical. I only slept with him to try and prove something to myself… to prove that I wasn’t gay. I was wrong though, because I am. I mean, I really, really am. It just so happened that in the process of coming to terms with my sexuality, I got a little going away prize.
I love my son. I really do. He is the sweetest being on the face of the earth.
Sometimes it’s hard though…from day to day. I don’t have many friends, and it’s difficult to make new ones. I’ve had a lot of friendships that start… but come to an end once they realized that, not only do I have a small child, he’s a special needs child, and apparently for a lot of people, that’s just too much to handle, even just as a friend.
There’s a stigma associated with being a young parent. You’re sort of treated like you must be stupid, or easy, or irresponsible to get pregnant while you’re still a teenager. But let me tell you, I was valedictorian of my high school class, so I am not stupid. I’ve only ever been with three people, two of which were women, and one of which was a man, so I am not easy. And the fact that I can juggle a job, school and taking care of my beautiful son shows that I am not irresponsible.
What I am is frustrated… and lonely. But I’m hoping that’s going to change soon.
I met this amazing woman at the Easter Seals Children’s Development Center. It’s a specialized daycare center for children like my Josh, who need extra care and attention. I’ve had Joshua enrolled in their program since he was two, so that I could go to work full-time, instead of having to depend on my parents. J.J. has done so well there, he really thrives in the colorful and warm environment, and all the staff are totally in love with him. Who wouldn’t be?
So, this woman, this amazing woman, just started working there last week as a CAS (Children’s Activities Supervisor). I remember seeing her for the first time when I dropped Josh off in the morning on Wednesday. She was standing by the front desk telling something to the receptionist, Marci, and she looked up to see who was coming through the door. It was me, of course, gently pulling J.J. along by his hand. He’s still getting used to walking on his own, so I try to take things slow.
“And who is this handsome young man,” she had said, smiling this beautiful wide smile and walking over to us. Her hair, long and blonde, was pulled back into a ponytail that swished when she walked. She knelt down in front of Josh and looked at him through gorgeous blue eyes that spoke of serenity and patience and love. What can I say, I’ve always had a thing for blue eyes. Joshua hid his face against my leg, shy of this pretty new stranger.
“His name is Joshua,” I announced, proud of him despite myself.
“Joshua Rosenberg?” she clarified, looking up to me. I couldn’t help but notice the rainbow beaded necklace resting at the base of her throat.
“That’s right,” I nodded, trying to hide my happiness at my discovery of her.
“Well, Josh,” she smiled, looking back to my son, “you’re in my room today. Would you like to come and play with me?”
She waited for J.J. to respond until I finally explained, “He’s… he’s nonverbal.”
“A quiet guy, huh?” she grinned, “well, I like quiet guys… I think they’re cute.” She touched his cheek lightly with her index finger. Joshua blushed and pushed even harder against my leg, trying to hide. She stood and extended her hand to me, “Hi, I’m Tara, the new CAS for room 302.”
“Willow,” I replied, shaking her hand. It felt warm and soft in my own. Gentle.
“Would you like to take Josh back to the room?” she asked, “or is he okay with new people?”
“He’ll be okay,” I assure her, “just take his hand and lead him where you want to go.”
I passed Joshua’s hand to her and pulled him away from my leg a little so that I could kneel down and look into his eyes. “You be a good boy for Miss Tara, J.J. Mommy will be back to get you later, like always.” I kissed his forehead and stood back up.
“He’ll be fine,” she reassured me.
“I know,” I smiled, “He loves it here. He does so well…” My thought drifted off as I found myself caught up in the beauty of her face, the soulfulness of her gaze. I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to pull myself out of my thoughts long enough to say, “Well, I have to go. Work is waiting.”
“Okay, we’ll see you later,” she smiled, “Right Josh?”
“Bye, J.J.,” I said, giving him a little wave, before turning to go. Over my shoulder I could hear Tara talking to him as she led him down the hall. “We are going to have so much fun today, Joshua. You and me. We’re going to paint and make stuff out of play-dough and play pretend with Tonka trucks….” Her voice faded out and I surmised she must have entered the daycare room at the end of the hall.
All day long that day at work I just kept thinking about her. Tara. Such a pretty name. And she was so good with Joshua. I decided right then and there that I was going to get to know this woman better.
*****
TBC... Edited by: DarkWiccan at: 4/20/04 7:00 am
inky
Love sammi xx
Who knew I had a trademark? Wow, I have a trademark... neat