Author: Tiffany
Spoilers: Early Season 4
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don’t own Willow, Tara, Buffy, or any of the other BtVS characters mentioned in the story. I’m just borrowing them from Joss and Co. to have a little fun, I promise they’ll be returned in perfect condition.
Summary: An account of Willow’s self-exploration and questioning of her feelings for Tara during the early episodes of Seasons 4.
**Technically this could be a stand alone story, but it also fits as a prequel to my story “Nothing Better” **
Feedback: Please????
Notes:
This story is particularly close to me as I had a difficult time coming to terms with my sexuality, and much of this story is based off of that. I feel that a character such as Willow would not have simply decided that she liked Tara...there had to have been a considerable amount of questioning and self doubt, something most people go through at some point in their life. Because Joss didn’t really show us any of that on the show, I felt the strong need to delve into the topic myself; I can only hope that I’ve done it justice.
**Thoughts are in < > **
And Now, onto the story!
"Finding Courage" (1/1)
----------------------
HckrScooby: Hey!
Sk8rNerd: Hey...how’re you?
HckrScooby: great, you?
Sk8rNerd: I’m fine. School, work, etc. nothing new. What’s the cause of the greatness? :-D Anything special going on?
HckrScooby: not really, it’s just a nice day outside, and I got to eat lunch with a new friend of mine who I’m really glad I’ve gotten to know.
Sk8rNerd: Really? Good 4 U. Someone you go to school with?
HckrScooby: Yeah...uh, no. Sort of. I mean, we both go to the same school but we aren’t in any classes together...yet. You never know, maybe next semester, cause that would be cool.
Sk8rNerd: lol So, how DID you meet?
HckrScooby: ::Blushes:: Sorry, my mind had launched into babble mode. We met through the Wicca group here on campus and have hung out over the past few weeks. It’s really nice having a friend who ‘gets’ the Wiccan aspect of my life. She’s kinda shy, but when you really get to know her she’s amazing. She has this super cute half-smile thing she does with her mouth that would make anyone melt.
HckrScooby: It’s kind of weird because in high school I had so much trouble making friends; I don’t think I’ve ever made friends with anyone this quickly..
Sk8rNerd: ooohhh....
HckrScooby: what??
Sk8rNerd: I think you have a new crush!
Sk8rNerd: Hello? Still there?
HckrScooby: Uh, yeah, sorry. No...no crush here. She’s a she and I’m a she and my crushes are on hes. I’m not a she-liking she.
Sk8rNerd: Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. You just seem really into this girl.
HckrScooby: No, no offense taken. I’m offense-free. And I do really like this girl, but it’s just a friendly-like thing. Not that there’s anything wrong with a girl liking a girl in a more-than-friendly way, but that’s not me...nope...I’m a solid fan of boy’s-town!
Sk8rNerd: Okay, cool.
HckrScooby: Sorry, I talk too much.
Sk8rNerd: LOL, that’s ok. Hey, I’ve gotta go. My roommate needs my help on something.
HckrScooby: ok! Have a good night...ttyl!
Sk8rNerd: ttyl, g’night.
Willow turned away from her computer and just sat there.
At the Bronze, the Scooby gang was camped out at a table, Willow and Buffy volunteering to watch drinks for a bit while everyone else danced. “Hey Buff,” her online friend’s assumption about her feelings toward Tara was still bothering Willow.
“Yeah Will?” Buffy turned toward her best friend. She’s seemed a bit distant all night and Buffy hoped nothing was wrong.
“Ah, I was wondering...Say someone was talking to you about someone else. They were going on about how much they liked to spend time with them and how amazing they were. What would you think?”
Buffy’s eyebrow arched up, it was a rather odd question, but she figured she would play along. “Well...I guess I would probably think that whoever I was talking to liked the other person.”
“Liked-Liked, or just friendly-liked?”
“I mean crush-liked.”
“What if--what if both the people in question were of the same sex?”
There was a silent pause while Buffy’s mind tried to figure out where this conversation was going. “Um...well, I don’t know. I guess it would depend on the person... What’s up Will? No offense, but these questions are kinda wacky.”
Willow shook her head. “Nothing really. Just-uh-I have a friend online who’s always going on about a friend of his, and it almost seems like a crush...but I’m not really sure. No big.”
For a second, Buffy scrutinized her friend, who seemed more nervous than usual.
“Mmm...Tara, that feels wonderful.” Willow turned her head slightly so she could grin sexily at the blonde, who was kneeling over the redhead, giving her a massage. “I’ve needed this so badly...”
“L-lay your h-head back down.” Tara pressed her fingers into Willow’s back. “Hmm...C-could you t-take off your shirt? I-I mean it would be more effective that way.”
Willow sat up and locked eyes with Tara. Slowly, she lifted the shirt off of her body, never breaking eye contact. The tension between them could be cut with a knife. Blushing slightly, Willow grinned. “Should I take off my bra too?”
Tara’s eyes widened, but she nodded. Although Willow turned her back toward her, she could see the sides of the young woman’s breasts as her bra was removed. “Uh, i-if you want to l-l-lie down again, I-I’ll continue.”
Willow nearly jumped as Tara’s hands came into contact with her bare skin. It was magic...electric...something. There was a current flowing between the two and it felt wonderful. Willow could feel herself quickly becoming aroused, and tried to regulate her breathing. With each pass of the blonde’s hands, they seemed to come closer and closer to the sides of her breasts, and Willow had to suppress the moans that were at the tip of her tongue. After awhile, she felt Tara’s hands slow, and she propped herself up on her arms to turn and look at her friend. What she saw nearly made her gasp. Tara was flushed and breathing heavily; in other words, she was just as aroused as Willow.
“Tara?”
“W-Willow...”
“Tara, can I ask you something?” The blonde merely nodded her assent. “I-I want to kiss you Tara, so bad. Can I kiss you?”
Tara just sat there for what seemed like forever, until she finally broke out into a huge smile. Willow could barely hear it, but Tara whispered her answer, “Y-Yes...”
Twisting around so that she was fully sitting up in front of the blonde, Willow completely forgot that she was half naked. All she wanted to do was kiss the stunning woman in front of her. Softly and tentatively their lips met, gently pressing against each other. Both women’s breaths caught at the sparks that passed between them. Taking a deep breath before leaning in again, Willow tried to shake the buzzing that had filled her head.
Buzzing...it was getting louder and wouldn’t go away. Willow was confused, “Tara, what is that noise?”
Suddenly she opened her eyes to see her ceiling, and no Tara. It had been a dream, a wonderful, scary, strange dream. Reaching out to turn her alarm clock off, the redhead saw Buffy staring at her. “Morning Buff.”
Buffy’s eyebrows scrunched up for a moment. “You okay Will? You’re kinda flushed? You’re not getting sick are you?”
Willow blushed and shook her head. “No, I’m fine Buffy...just got a little warm last night under my blankets. I, uh, I’m gonna go take a shower.” At that, she grabbed her robe and shower basket and took off, hoping to avoid any more questions from her roommate.
In the shower, the hot water streamed over Willow’s skin, and she closed her eyes.
Willow quickly rinsed out her hair and finished her towel, trying to avoid thoughts of Tara or erotic dreams full of gay-love. The little voice in the back of her mind though had to have the final say...as she was getting ready to leave for class, it piped up loud and clear,
“Oh, Wow!” Willow exclaimed, surprise showing on her face.
“W-what?” Tara looked up from the spell book she had been reading.
Willow blushed slightly, embarrassed to have caused the concern apparent on her friend’s face. “Oh-um, I just realized how late it is. It’s almost 3:30...and I’m supposed to meet Buffy for breakfast tomorrow--uh--today, at 8:30.” Unsure of what to do, Willow just sat there for a moment. She and Tara had been having a wonderful evening, talking, reading, listening to music. After their rose-spell had gone awry, they’d both decided that they probably shouldn’t attempt any more magicks that night. It was the first time they’d spent that long together without doing any spells, and she didn’t really want the night to end. Reality, however, had finally caught up with them. “I, I guess I should go.”
Willow started to stand up, when she saw a hesitant look on the Tara’s face. “What is it Tara?”
“Uh, W-well I was just thinking that m-maybe you c-could just sleep here. It’s a-awfully late, and it’s p-probably just safer to stay here.” Although the blonde was half hiding behind her hair, Willow could still see the half-smile that seemed to make her stomach jump. How could she say no to that?
“Uh, Willow?” The redhead’s thoughts were interrupted by the exact person her thoughts were about. “Are you ok? Y-you kind of checked out there for a minute. Do you need to lie down?”
Willow shook her head and smiled at Tara. “Sorry, I, uh, my mind sometimes rambles too...” There was a moment of silence and Willow realized Tara was probably waiting for her answer. “Um, I’d love to stay the night, if you don’t mind. I kind of have to get up early though, and that might make you mind. I don’t want to be bothersome gal in your room...I mean, it is your room, and making you wake up early when you might not need to isn’t very nice. I, um, I should just go, since it’s obvious you probably mind.”
“Willow!” Willow felt Tara’s hand clamp down on her shoulder. “I d-don’t mind, not at all.” She smiled softly, and all the tension left Willow’s body. “I-If you’re at all like me right now, you’re probably beat. W-wanna just go to b-bed?” Willow nodded and felt herself being guided by Tara to the bed, after she had turned of the reading lights they had been using. “H-here. We should b-both be able to f-fit, but it’ll b-be tight.”
The girls climbed into the bed and tried to get comfortable. In the midst of their tossing and turning, Willow soon found herself cuddled with Tara, her head resting on the girl’s shoulder, and Tara’s arm around her waist. Her last thought before succumbing to the sleepiness was that it felt awfully good to be in Tara’s arms.
The next morning Willow tried to be as quiet as possible when sneaking out for her breakfast with Buffy. Tara waved a sleepy goodbye; Willow grinned and waved back before slipping out the door.
Dashing over to her own dorm, Willow changed clothes, slightly relieved that Buffy wasn’t there to ask questions. It’s not that she wanted to hide anything from her best friend, but she didn’t even know what exactly she was feeling. The night before, in Tara’s arms...it had felt...right. As Willow sat there, brushing her hair, she couldn’t help but feel that it had gotten past the point of denial; there was not way she could say that nothing out of the ordinary was happening between her and Tara. There was definitely something there...but exactly what, Willow had no clue.
Willow’s heart was racing as she fell back into the chair she’d been occupying in the middle of the lounge. What had she just done? Tara had rushed off, looking very uncomfortable after their conversation.
Closing her eyes, the redhead just sighed. She didn’t know what to do. There was something undeniable between her and her newest friend. Whenever they were near each other, there were sparks, and a very palpable tension that filled the air. But what kind of tension is it? That’s what Willow was afraid to answer. Willow picked up her bag and walked back to her room, her mind wandering.
‘Every time I see Tara, my heart beats faster, and my stomach is full of butterflies.’ As Willow was putting together her feelings, various images filled her mind: Her and Tara’s first spell--to protect themselves against the demons that stole their voices, the spell they did with the rose, all the time they’d spent together recently, getting to know each other. All of these scenes played through Willow’s head, and she realized something--no matter what they were doing, Tara always managed to make her feel special. And Tara--the blonde was no less that wonderful herself, with her kind ways, gentle touch, and beautiful smile.
Opening the door to her and Buffy’s dorm room, Willow went inside and fell down on to the bed. ‘Goddess help me, I’m just so confused. I’ve never felt this way about another girl before. I know, I really know that deep down inside me I’m falling for Tara...and I don’t know what to do. I mean, I think she feels the same way I do, but...’ Groaning, Willow reached for her backpack, deciding to get some work done before it was time for dinner, then her night out at the Bronze with Buffy and Xander.
On her way out of the dorm, Willow passed by the room of a guy she’d known in high school, Jake. Junior year he’d come out to everyone by taking his boyfriend to the prom, and although it had been a big “thing” at the time, everything soon settled down, and he’d just gone on like normal. She hadn’t spoken to him much this school year except for the occasional hello in the hall. Willow turned to keep walking, but something made her hesitate. Making a split-second decision, she lifted her arm and knocked quietly on the door. “Come in!” She heard Jake’s voice come through the door.
“Uh, Hi...” Willow popped her head in the door and waved nervously.
“Willow! Hey!” Jake jumped up from his bed where it looked like he’d been doing homework. Pulling Willow into a brief hug, he grinned. “How’re you doing?”
“Uh...” Willow suddenly got nervous and wanted to bolt. “Um, I’m ok, but, uh, I see that you’re being Mr. Collegey guy, doing your homework and all, so I should, uh, just go. I don’t want to bother you.”
“Hey...wait, hold on Will.” Jake’s eyebrows scrunched up. “Are you ok?” He’d never seen her act quite like this before.
Looking down at the ground, Willow shook her head slowly. “I, I’m not sure. Could we talk?” Jake put his arm around the girl standing in front of him and ushered her over to his bed.
“Sit down.” She did, and looked up revealing a single tear trailing down her face. “Now, what’s going on?”
Willow took a huge breath, “I--I don’t know what to do. There’s this girl, and she’s amazing, and I’m having all these strange, new feelings. Things I never even felt with Oz...but I’m...I’ve never...It was always guys...Xander, Oz...but everything’s different now and I feel like my life’s all crazy and confusing. And I think I’m hurting Tara because of my stupid wishy-washiness...” She looked up and met Jake’s eyes briefly before a small sob erupted from her body. She continued speaking as best as she could, “I-I think I might be...gay.” The last word was nearly whispered. “I look at Tara and I think that it would be okay, but then I think about the world, and my friends. Goddess, what would they think? There would be so many people out there who would hate me just for being...me...because of who I love. Then I think that I can’t be gay...how would I...what would I...” At that she broke down completely.
Jake felt tears welling up in his own eyes and he pulled the shaking redhead to his chest. Squeezing her tightly, he just rocked, letting her cry. “Shh...Will...It’ll be okay. Just let it out. You need this, it’s okay.”
After several minutes, Willow had quieted down, and Jake shifted so that she was sitting up across from him again. “Will?”
Willow wiped her eyes with her sleeve and tried to squash her embarrassment. “I’m really sorry Jake. I-I had no right to come here and...and fall apart. I mean, we rarely even talk. But...”
“Shh...Willow, It’s okay. I understand. I don’t mind at all.”
“It’s just...I don’t think I could talk with Buffy about this, or Xander...they wouldn’t understand.”
Jake smiled and reached out his hand, wiping away another stray tear that had fallen. “So...you wanna talk?”
“I--I don’t know where to start...”
“Honey, I think what you just did was a mighty good start. How about this...can I ask you something?” Willow nodded. “If Tara were a guy...or if the feelings you’re having were for one of they guys in a class or something, would you think twice about pursing a relationship?”
Willow didn’t even have to think about that, she shook her head. “No...what I feel, it’s so strong.”
“What scares you the most about this situation?”
“I--I don’t know. It’s just, I’ve never not known where I stood before. I’ve always been the dutiful daughter and best friend and done what was expected of me. This...this wasn’t in the plans.”
Jake took Willow’s hand. “I think that somewhere deep in your heart, you know what you need to do. I don’t think you would’ve come to me if you didn’t. In my experience, love or even something resembling it is hard to come by, so if the opportunity is presenting itself, I’d say go for it. If you don’t, you may end up regretting it. As far as all that other stuff goes, about your friends and the world...do you really want to let them dictate what should make you happy? I’ve learned that it’s best to just work up the guts to live your own life, and deal with the problems as they come rather than worry about it ahead of time.”
He let that hang in the air for several moments before speaking again. “I’m not saying that I think you should jump without looking, or dive right into a heavy relationship with this person, but I don’t think you should dismiss it because it’s different. And based on what you’ve said, you don’t think you can dismiss it either.”
Glancing up from the bed, where her eyes had been focused, Willow asked quietly, “What should I do?”
Jake thought for a moment before replying. “Talk to her.”
“Willow!” Willow could tell that Tara was surprised to see her at her room.
She smiled nervously and hoped that Tara wasn’t too upset with her. “A funny thing happened with my prior social engagement. Pretty much ended when a friend of mine went off to do something with another crowd she hangs out with. Irony’s kind of ironic that way. Anyway, I know it’s late, but I-I thought maybe, I mean, if you still wanted to...do something...” Willow was actually slightly glad that Buffy had gone off with the Initiative guys; it gave her the chance to come and see Tara.
A minute later Willow found herself sitting on Tara’s bed across from the blonde. “S-so Willow, did you want to do a spell or something?”
Glancing into Tara’s eyes, Willow knew that she needed to talk with Tara. She shook her head. “Actually, Tara...I was wondering if we could, um, talk about something.”
Tara instantly looked concerned. “Is everything okay?”
Willow reached out and took Tara’s hand in hers, entwining their fingers. “Perfectly fine. I, I don’t really know where to start, or how to do this, so I’m just going to start talking, okay? If I get too babbly, let me know...” Willow’s heart was pounding so hard that she would’ve sworn she could hear it. “I like you Tara, a lot. You’re an amazing person...and a really good witch too. But lately, I’ve had these feelings, about you and me, and I’ve come to realize that I think I like you in a more than friendly way...” She saw Tara’s head snap up and eyes get wide.
“I-I-I...” Tara was having trouble speaking.
“Shh...I hope this doesn’t freak you out. Freakiness would be bad. I mean, I think I feel something between us, something that’s not just one sided, or at least I hope it’s not. It’s just that I’ve never felt this way before...about...about a non-guy, so this is just very very new...” Willow was about to go on, when Tara put a finger to her lips.
“It isn’t...one-sided, that is. I-I like you too.” Willow found herself staring right into the depths of Tara’s eyes, and she felt her heart swell in her chest.
“You do?”
“Mhmm...I-I know this sounds dumb, but I’ve like you since-since we first met, since the Wicca group.”
“Really?” Willow’s voice had gone a little high out of surprise. She couldn’t believe that Tara actually felt the same way about her.
Tara squeezed Willow’s hand then wiped away a tear that had been forming in her eye. “I-I never thought that you would ever feel this way...that someone so wonderful as you could ever like m-me.”
“Tara! Don’t say that. You’re an amazing person...sensitive, friendly, kind, giving...beautiful...everything anyone could ask for.”
Tara’s breath caught. “Do you really see me that way?”
Willow smiled and slipped her hand up to Tara’s cheek. She let her thumb caress the blonde’s face. “I do.” With that, Willow leaned forward and softly pressed her lips to Tara’s. The kiss was quick and fairly innocent, but it made Willow’s heart soar.
After an hour of quiet talking and gentle kisses, Tara and Willow laid down on her bed to go to sleep. This time they weren’t afraid to hold each other. The blonde spooned Willow from behind, her arms firmly around the redhead’s waist, and her head resting against her shoulder. Both girls knew that this night had been a turning point; while the future certainly wasn’t clear, and probably wouldn’t be easy, as long as they turned to each other they would make it. Willow felt Tara’s arms squeeze her tight and truly believed for the first time in awhile that life was really starting to be wonderful again.
Epilogue
Sk8rNerd: Hey :-)
HckrScooby: Hi! I’m sorry I haven’t been online to chat over these past few weeks, but things have been their usual crazy self here.
Sk8rNerd: But everything’s good?
HckrScooby: Yup. Goody-goodness abounds. Lol
Sk8rNerd: What’s so funny.
HckrScooby: Actually, I kind of owe you an apology/explanation...
Sk8rNerd: How’s that?
HckrScooby: Er...well, you know that girl we talked about last time, that you accused me of having a crush on, which I denied and kinda freaked about?
Sk8rNerd: Um...yeah?
HckrScooby: Well...she and I are kinda...well, I’m not sure exactly what yet, but we’re something. I kissed her last night.
Sk8rNerd: Wow.
HckrScooby: Yeah...kind of a crazy story. But I want to thank you though, seriously. Your observation is what forced me to face my own feelings.
Sk8rNerd: Glad I could help! ;-)
HckrScooby: So...I’ve told my big news...what’s up with you?
**THE END**
Hope all you kittens enjoy this! Various parts of it were actually several different story ideas I had going, and I just started writing and all of a sudden they came together. Don't be a stranger... PLEASE leave some feedback! I'll be eternally grateful.
Love, Tiffany
You did a great job of filling in the gaps of S4.
whats my response to this short but brillant fic?
. and oh yeah it has me doing the 
.