Poem type thing..opinions would be super!

[Banned From The Porch]

I'm not much into painting with words....I thought I'd give it a try...care to tell a humble beginner what y'all think?



Stole my words again

listening to your vacant face.

The chords of fragile minds echo

like prayer through illusions of assembly.

I found you in nothing, struggling

through a torrid web of falsehoods.



I need you again

You feed me again



So clever is the surface

grated down through my teeth.

It tasted like fruit until

my tongue sampled the inside.

Bland, so wrong.

You looked like a god in passing.

Haunt me like confessions

in pieces.



I need you again

You feed me again

Leave me again.





That be it...I'd love feedback (cranky or happy!) thanks fellow kitties!!

*~I Wake Up And The Day Feels Broken. Just Lean Into The Crack And It Will Tremble Ever So Nicely. Notice How It Sparkles Down There...*~

[SJ]

Good poem,interesting style

[Ten10239]

I don't really know where you are going with this. The imagery is good, but I think that you could be a little clearer as to what it is about. But you really don't have to listen to me. My thoughts sometimes tend to be shit .



Leni

"F#&k you, but have a nice day!"

[mollyig]

The overall impression I got was that of trying to place blame, but letting emotions get in the way. In the first stanza there was a listing of sins - "stole my words" and "web of falsehoods", the third had "Haunt me like confessions".



In the first stanza I thought of an empty church, because of my reasons above, added to the "vacant", "found you in nothing" and of course the echo.



The second stanza had an almost hopeful feel to it, which was made all the more poignant when it was repeated as the fourth but added to it was "Leave me again"



Interesting. Thanks for sharing.

I love my Love, and well she knows
I love the ground whereon she goes

[voxanglsm]

Your words and phrases are really strong. I think you have great potential, but this poem seemed a little vague or unfocused. I'd say this would be a good start or first draft for maybe a longer poem or something.

"Welcome to Kristin" -Kristin School

[kiwi6969]

hey!!!



great poem, but I to felt like there was more to come, dont get me wrong,since I cant write poems myself,but anyway I hope you have more to come and that you will share them....



thanks







kiwi6969

[Banned From The Porch]

Whoa I've poofed for a while with graduation and all... Thanks for the wicked feedback! Yall rock! I write a lot of things just on the spur of the moment and don't like to revise them because i feel it kinda takes away from their initial impact...so that could be why it's not too clear. I thought I'd try this again...tell me if I'm getting better or worse..lol..



I can't help but wither

waiting to catch you

in the throes of a glance

stretched truth or not

I take that picture

post it and wait for it

to pull me through

another day of monotony.



But it's got to my head,

being star of a martyr's circus

Fame has ripped its last parts from me.

I'm running back home

to be a housewife

or some other nothing like her

so she can sit me down and say

"Competition's a bitch kid."

I was fooled into thinking life was

wise...



*OOoooooh It's Okaaaay To Be Gaaaaaay*

*~I Wake Up And The Day Feels Broken. Just Lean Into The Crack And It Will Tremble Ever So Nicely. Notice How It Sparkles Down There...*~

[SJ]

I like that poem

[Banned From The Porch]

I'm going to try this one more time....the last one was really lame I admit it..If this one isn't any better then I'm gonna give up at least for a while...here goes...



Entwined within a mess

of tree and vine.

Choked kindred with death

by force of burning disarray,

a sallow heart beats,

bruising through an imposed chest.



Shattered, chilled artifice

bursts unwittingly through bones fatigued.

fragments rain with violent nature,

earthbound by any means

snagging skin torn of conviction

disburdening flesh.



This was no harm intended

not formed by will.

Still, our leaves fracture

embedding angry wreckage

through strengths never shared.

Never poetic, never ideal

merely harsh, abashing beauty

affording all simplicity.



Now, a worn out birthing

of horrors and fault awoken

spoils the green.

A plush forest browned, waned

by a most unforgiving violet shroud.



Find branches so broken.

...Now, lay.





Thanks for helping out a wannabe writer!

*I Wake Up And The Day Feels Broken. Just Lean Into The Crack And It Will Tremble Ever So Nicely. Notice How It Sparkles Down There...*

[SJ]

Good imagery

I like your writing

[fidds]

ooh i love your poems, they're different and i like 'em

thanks for sharing



*hannah*

********************************************

I just needed someone to talk to, you were just too busy with yourself, you were never there for me to express how i felt ,i just stuffed it down- *STAIND -FADE*

[shadowygirl]

Wow !



I love your writing style its very interesting and deep yet understandable .....

Amazing work and more soon please ?



Oh and this



~~I'm running back home

to be a housewife

or some other nothing like her

so she can sit me down and say

"Competition's a bitch kid."

I was fooled into thinking life was

wise...~~



I love that part of your poem very touching and truthful ..



great work please post more





Love April/shadowygirl