It was a quiet afternoon for Tara that sleepy November Friday. Buffy was still asleep despite the time being well past noon and Dawn's school schedule finished for the day so the teen was headed back from school. Tara herself had no classes on Fridays and there was still a couple of hours before she'd go to the Box.
She had promised to help cover the evening hours while Anya visited some bridal shop that she had a scheduled meeting at but until then Tara had decided to relax with a cup of tea in the silent kitchen. Anya and Xander had a really hectic schedule this week with the pre-wedding planning and organizing - especially since Willow had previously promised to help out in that area, a promise she would obviously not be able to keep anymore - and Tara felt that helping them keep the Magic Box up and running was the least she could do to help them out.
This was a time that usually was dedicated to Willowy things. The absence of the subject material in question gave Tara a lot more free time and she had quickly realized she had no idea what to do with all those extra hours. She's all caught up with her courses and their home was as clean as it could ever be. She didn't have to be with Willow to be a person - it's not like she wasn't a full-fledged individual by herself - but if Tara were honest to herself she would have admit that she wanted to meet Willow again.
She hated how she had no idea how Willow was doing. She didn't know if her girlfriend managed to stay clean these ten long days and if so why did she stay away from the entire gang? Why had nobody heard from her? If Tara hadn't seen Willow those two times at the campus she'd be fearing for her safety but she felt reasonably certain that she wasn't in any immediate danger.
What if she failed her magic sobriety? Did that mean she had given up on her relationship with Tara? And would Tara really blame her for that considering the very clear ground rules she had set out before this entire mess began. Could it even be so simple as Willow just giving her space and shedding all power in their relationship until Tara decided to contact her when she was ready for it?
Only the front door opening shook Tara from a spiral of fear, anger and sadness as she repeatedly contemplated the different scenarios that explained Willow's disappearance.
"It's just me Tara. Final class ended ten minutes early so I had no reason to linger around school like a dweeb. Got the mail though but that package I had ordered seems to be running late."
Tara smiled at her in gratitude and reached for the envelope the teen had dumped on the kitchen island. "Thanks Sweetie! Any homework you need help with for the weekend?"
Dawn shrugged before she headed towards the fridge. "Nah, I got it all covered. It's all easy stuff except for Trig but I'll just ask Wi-"
She stopped herself with a frown and withdrew a soda from the bottom shelf. "Sorry, I'm still getting used to the 'her being all not-here' sitch. I'll manage with Trig though as I know that's not exactly your favorite subject and all."
Tara forced a smile. "It's okay Dawnie. I'm still getting used to the new situation myself. This place just feels so... empty without her around."
"So why haven't you called her already? She went away to get better didn't she? If she's doing well then isn't it time for you two to at least try to talk?"
Tara was about to answer when she saw the last envelope in the pile. It wasn't the usual bills or directed ads. The address on the front was hand-written in letters that Tara would've recognized anywhere. He quickly tore it open and unfolded the letter inside.
Hello Tara.
I did it. I managed a full week(and more!) of withdrawals and nightmares and pain but I did it. I went a week without a single spell cast and I upheld my promise to you. I know that it's too little and far too late and I realize that you have no reason to ever trust me again and I don't ever expect you to. But there's no worry! I'm not going to be in a position to betray your trust like that ever again.
Because you were right. I violated your mind and I didn't even realize I did something wrong until you confronted me with my disgusting abuse. I turned that which brought us together into something to hurt you with and nothing I could ever do would or should make it right again.
Problem is that I can't deal with abstaining magic by myself in the long run. I'm not strong enough. This week has been hell and I have no idea how to handle this alone.
Okay I didn't until two hours ago from the time I'm writing this. I then snuck into the Box and took a branch of Lethe's Bramble(and you can tell Anya that I paid for it and the money is under the register, she can keep the change) and after I get back home once I've mailed this to you I'm going to erase my mind of all memories of magic. I can't cast spells if I don't know they exist in the first place now can I?
I realize this means that I'm giving up the chance of us being together again. But then again; both of us know that I threw away my chance for a life with you when I cast that spell on you in the first place. Our relationship has always been grounded in trust, love and magic and I've destroyed the first and have given up the latter. I still love you - Goddess do I love you above everything else in the entire world - but love should not be the reason for you to remain in an abusive relationship.
And that's what I turned us into. I totally abused you and if we got back together there won't be a day where you wouldn't be wondering if I've erased yet another memory of yours; if I've taken away another piece of you. And you know that too. So do the rest of the gang.
For the record I did it that one time. It doesn't make it any better but you deserve to know the truth if nothing else.
And trust me when I say that what I am without magic is not who you would ever want to know. You've only known me for the last two years and never saw the childish trainwreck that was my life up until I turned eighteen.
In case you wonder I did actually understand your demand that day in Xander's apartment. You already knew that without magic I'd be someone you had never known and you'd have no reason to stay with my crap. I'm sorry I put you in this position in the first place and I do not blame you for anything as everything has been my fault.
I mean it's not like it's the first time I hurt other people with my misuse of magic. What I've done to Buffy is completely unforgivable and she's far from the first victim of the Willow Whirlwind. I don't blame any of you all for completely avoiding me since I moved out since really no-one could ever be sure that I wouldn't hurt you. Again.
Tell Buffy I'm sorry for everything and if she ever want to hurt me for what I've done she knows where I live. Tell Giles I'm sorry for what I said when he returned. Tell Xander that I'm sorry for missing his wedding but I can't go to a celebration with constant reminders of what I've lost. Tell Amy I'm sorry for being unable to turn her back. Please take care of her if you could as she's had a rough life. Kiss Dawnie goodbye from me and tell her she was the best foster child I could have ever wanted.
Most of all I'm sorry for all I've done to hurt you. I don't know what's going to replace my memories of magic but I'm almost completely certain it's not going to be anything dangerous. This is my final spell and I'm casting it on myself - nobody else - and I don't think that's violating anything or anyone.
I'm probably wrong again but I hope I'm not. If I am then... Then I don't know what to do because my brain is coming up all spells and I don't want to do that anymore. I'm tired of disappointing you and being a complete failure.
Please keep our friends safe.
I love you and I'm going to miss you.
You're my forever.
Willow
Tara read through the entire letter twice before her legs finally gave out as she stumbled backwards. She ended up on the floor with her back against the kitchen counter as her world crashed and burned around her. Dawn grabbed her shoulders and tried to talk to her but got no response as Tara sat in teary-eyed silence and blankly stared into the opposite wall.
It wasn't until Dawn had read through the letter herself that Tara started her walk back into the land of the coherent. When she finally started to come to her senses she saw a fuming teenager who was muttering some very creative curses to properly describe her state of mind.
"I have to go to her. I have to convince her to undo the spell," Tara mumbled as she shakily rose to her feet.
"No," Dawn interrupted. She wouldn't let Willow do this to Tara or herself. Willow had spiralled into a black hole of despair and Tara were well on her way to join her so it was up to Dawn to organize a plan to steady the ship. "What you have to do is wake up my sister and then call a meeting at the Box. You promised Anya to help out and that's exactly what you're going to do. Call for a meeting that starts in an hour and I'll join you once I've gone to talk to Willow. I'm going to find out just much she has screwed up this time."
Tara knew she wasn't in a rational state of mind and would be of little use in a constructive confrontation with Willow. "But what if she is lost and need me?"
"She is not going to react well if you get there and start shouting at her for using magic again, no matter the cause. I can go there and talk to her and try to convince her that we all love her and for her to not do anything drastic. I'll bring the rest of you up-to-speed once I'm done at her parents' place, okay?"
Tara nodded nervously. "Okay. Yes. That sounds good. I'll wake up Buffy and we'll meet up at the box in an hour. Thank you Dawnie."
The lanky teen shrugged. "Just remember this the next time Buffy says I'm completely useless when it comes to stressful situations and then we're even!"
Dawn had gotten to the Rosenberg house in what she felt was record time. Buffy may have the Slayer speed but Dawn knew that her long legs gave her an advantage most girls her age didn't have. Okay; two advantages but only one that was applicable to her current situation.
The house in front of her was larger than the one they lived in but the empty yard showed signs of the absences that Dawn knew had characterized Willow's entire childhood. The lack of involvement into her life was probably the main reason Willow went back there after her fight with Tara. By going home she knew it could be weeks - possibly even months - before she would see a familiar face again. Dawn hadn't failed to notice that all windows but the ones in the living room were completely dark and it seemed like nobody had been living there for quite some time.
'Well, phooey to that because the Dawnster is going to make everything better again! I'll just remind her of how much I appreciated her and Tara this summer when Buffy was... gone.'
She shook her head to clear the anxiety that always followed that train of thought and rang the doorbell. After a couple of seconds she noticed a quiet shuffling from inside and could have sworn she had heard the cover from the peephole being lifted. She then heard both the deadbolt and the regular lock being turned and the door eventually opened. It revealed a wide-eyed Willow who sported an expression that made it very obvious that she did not expect any visitors.
"H-hi! C-can I help you?"
The woman in front of her looked shaken to her core. She was wearing floods that were obviously a size too small for her and a fluffy top that Dawn barely recognized. She remembered seeing Willow in a similar one that was of a different color but that had been several years ago; back when Buffy still kept her identity as the Slayer a secret from their mom.
"Will! I'm so glad to see you again, I've missed you sooo much!"
Her eyes somehow managed to grow even wider as she shrank back behind the door.
"M-missed me? Do I know y-you?"
Dawn felt her throat constrict as she saw no signs of recognition in Willow's eyes. She was too late.
'Well shit.'
The last hour had been a living hell for Tara. She had explained to Anya the contents of the letter and the ex-demon apologized for not being able to take part in the meeting. Her deposit would be void if she cancelled the scheduled meeting at the bridal shop but promised to call and order Xander to head to the Box posthaste.
Buffy hadn't been friendly to the wakeup call but once she was informed that Willow might be in danger she acquiesced and arrived on schedule. She was followed by Xander less than a minute later and the two of them quietly sat down at the designated Scooby table. He looked very distraught when he arrived and Tara thanked the Gods that it was a slow day for the store as no customers currently perused the inner shelves and counters of the store.
Only moments later the bell rang again and Dawn showed up with an expression that told Tara more than she had ever wished for. The teen shook her head at Tara and moved to the table to take a seat next to her sister just as Spike entered through the basement door.
Xander didn't delay his protest to the latest attendee. "What the hell is Captain Peroxide doing here? I thought this was for Willow's friends and family?"
"I called him here Xander. We need everyone to be on the same page for this," Tara answered.
"Just exactly what is going on Tara? You told me that Willow might be in trouble but that's not exactly a rarity for us these days? Did you go and see her or how did you find out what's going on?"
"No. I did," Dawn answered tentatively and put the letter from Willow on the table. Buffy picked it up and read it out loud for the entire group while Tara moved the sign on the front door to 'closed' and shut the blinds once the last customer had left. Once Buffy finished she exhaled and turned to Tara.
"Do you know if she's gone through with the spell?"
Dawn rolled her eyes at her sister's complete inability to recognize her role in the events. "I just came from her place and it... it's just bad. She didn't recognize me at all. Even after I tried to explain my relationship to her through Buffy she looked extremely confused. She claimed to barely know you either and that you were in different circles at Sunnydale High. Apparently she only had two friends in High School and that was Xander and Jesse. After Jesse mysteriously disappeared she was left alone for the last three years as Xander started to hang with a new group. That apparently consisted of you two, Faith, Cordelia Chase and some musician she only knew as Osbourne."
"Oi, Red even removed the memory of Wolf Boy? That's beyond the drastic. What about her bird?"
"But how? I thought she would just remove her memories of magic? Did she mention anything about vampires and spells and stuff?"
"Yes Buffy that was the first thing she brought up to what was for her a complete and total stranger." Buffy glared daggers at her younger sister who promptly ignored her. "But no she didn't. I did not get the chance to ask but I got the impression that she didn't just lose her memories of magic use but that her mind created a whole new life for her where she has been one of the many townies who just won't recognize the stuff that happen in this city. It seems that she removed herself from the memories that involved magic somehow."
Tara had the clarity of mind to take a seat by the table before she asked the question which she currently dreaded the most. "D-does she know about me, about us?"
Dawn couldn't summon the strength to look at Tara as she answered. "I mentioned your name a couple of times to see if I could get a reaction but... Nothing. I don't think she has any memory of you at all. I'm so sorry Tara."
Xander was fuming. He had lost his best friend and didn't even realize it until it was over. "Why didn't any of you even talk to her before she went and did something so stupid? She's been gone for over a week and nobody had the idea to even pick up the phone?"
Buffy's icy demeanor brook no regret or apologies. "She said she needed to leave so she left. It's not like you even knew about her moving out until yesterday."
"Nobody told me she and Tara had broken up! How was I to know!"
"You could've talked to her," Dawn responded. "Isn't she supposed to be your best friend?"
"I've been busy with Anya and the wedding and we're in a crunch at the site and I didn't even know things were that bad! Tara could have told me before!"
Tara glared daggers at him and was just done with the constant infighting in the group. "I'm so sorry that I didn't immediately call you up to tell you that the woman I love used magic to tamper with my memories and then moved out without telling me. I'll make sure I keep you in the loop the next time my private life get more horrible news so you don't have to engage with your best friend any more than absolutely necessary," Tara spat out from clenched teeth. The four pairs of shocked eyes that stared at her offered no levity to the situation and she soon collapsed into her arms with a silent sob.
"I lost her. I lost her and there's nothing I can do to make it all better again."
November 24
I finally reached Mr. Giles today. I tried calling him yesterday evening but then I remembered the time differences and today he's been out of the office almost the entire day. It didn't seem like he had much to offer in the way of help and I fear the harsh words he had exchanged with Willow last month soured him on any attempt to bring her back into our world. I get the impression he's rather content that she won't be using magic again.
My Willow is gone. She was so afraid of her own power that she basically killed the version of herself that she's been since meeting Buffy. Since meeting me.
It seems like her mind created new memories of being completely without friends since Buffy arrived. The only three people other than Xander she had been close to were Amy, Jesse and her old computer teacher Ms. Calendar. Jesse was turned and dusted when Buffy moved to Sunnydale, Amy is now a rat and Ms. Calendar was murdered by a psycho vampire.
In Willow's memories Jesse had run away and never came back while Amy did the same in senior year. Ms. Calendar had been murdered and found in Mr. Giles' home and Dawn had the impression that Willow have always suspected him for the death. That's gonna be a hurdle to overcome if he ever comes back to town.
Her parents are as distant as ever and some more snooping on Dawn's part revealed that they've not been home for at least two months and will probably still be away on the lecture circuit until after New Year's Eve.
I hate this. I hate how she was too stubborn to realize that I wanted her and not the magic. It's always been her. It's always been Willow.
But now I'm a complete stranger to her. I'm nothing to her now.
Xander and Dawn are already already devising some kind of plan to see if we can help bring her back. Xander called her this morning and convinced her to meet up and get coffee under the guise that he's getting married and want to invite his childhood friend to the wedding.
I mean we're not exactly lying to her.
I don't know how I'll be able to handle seeing her on campus next week. I hate how she didn't even give us a chance to work it out. I hate that I made her think she wasn't able to give me a chance.