CHAPTER RATING: PG-13
Chapter 18
Auckland
(Part 1)
I Thought This Wouldn’t Hurt A Lot, I Guess Not
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Auckland Airport.”
Tara saw the shuffle Willow had spoken of as all the passengers around them seemed to brace themselves to jump out of their seats.
“Local time is 5:17 am and the temperature is 11° Celsius/52° Fahrenheit. For your safety and comfort, please remain seated with your seat belt fastened until the captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign. At that point we will have we have parked at the gate and it is safe for you to move about the cabin. At this time, it is safe for you to use your mobile devices. Please check around your seat for any personal belongings you may have brought on board with you and please use caution when opening the overhead bins, as heavy articles may have shifted around during the flight. If you require deplaning assistance, please remain in your seat until all other passengers have departed. One of our crew members will then be pleased to assist you. On behalf of New Zealand Air and the entire crew, I’d like to thank you for joining us on this trip and we are looking forward to seeing you on board again in the near future. Haere mai.”
Tara rubbed her eyes and kept her hand on her seatbelt.
“Do we have to do all the security again? Take our shoes off and everything?”
Willow shook her head.
“No, we just have to go through immigration. Show them our passports and those arrival cards we filled out. They might ask to see our ticket to Melbourne so they know when we’re leaving.”
Tara smiled at Willow softly.
“I’m so glad you’re here with me.”
Willow felt her belly flop but in a nice way this time.
“I’m so glad I’m here with you too. But you would have figured it out. You’re so smart.”
Tara rested her forehead on Willow’s for a brief moment.
“I’m looking forward to fresh air and stretched legs.”
Willow laughed.
“Me too. Soon.”
The plane began to disembark and Willow nodded for Tara to go ahead when she saw a gap. The guy standing behind them was much kinder than the one Willow had encountered on the way in and helped them get their bags down from the overhead compartment.
Willow went through immigration first so Tara would see how easy it was and Tara followed through moments later.
“That wasn’t bad at all,” she said as she packed away her passport, “What now?”
“We catch a car to the hotel,” Willow answered, “That’s it, baby, we’re here.”
They walked outside and Tara stopped to inhale the air. It felt fresh after so long in the airplane, and different she thought too…clean and pure in her lungs and electric through her blood. She may have been imagining it, but it felt real to her.
She saw Willow on her phone trying to connect to the airport Wi-Fi and suddenly registered what she’d said earlier.
“Wait, um, isn’t there shuttles and buses available and stuff? Taxis are expensive.”
Willow rubbed the side of her face, the air wasn’t quite cool enough to stun her tiredness away.
“I’ll pay for the car, it’s no big deal.”
Tara shifted uncomfortably, which irritated Willow.
“I’m exhausted, Tara, please, do we have to fight about this? Do you really want to cart our luggage around this whole airport and then navigate our way around the city with it at this hour?”
The hurt look on Tara’s face had the power to stop Willow's tiredness and her words.
“Shit, I—I’m sorry,” she said softly, “Can we just get the car?”
Tara just nodded and looked away.
Willow smiled in relief and pointed down the terminal road a bit.
“There’s the pick-up zone.”
They made their way over and Tara pulled up the reservation to get the address of the hotel they were booked into, thanks to her mother.
“The pictures look really nice and it’s right in the middle of downtown,” Tara explained to Willow when they were sitting in the car, “I have to say, I’m very grateful there’s a real bed and not a bunk bed coming my way.”
“Bunk bed?” Willow asked with a scrunched up face but didn’t have time to contemplate as Tara caught her attention to show the city coming into view.
It was twilight and the city was waking up; the tall buildings still lit in their evening lights and shimmering in the surrounding water.
Their hotel was at one of the harbors.
“This is stunning,” Willow said as they stood right on the water’s edge at the front of the hotel, “I’m blown away.”
“Thank you, Momma,” Tara smiled, “She’ll want lots of pictures.”
They wheeled their bags inside the grand reception area which was all marble and sleek surfaces. There was big plush seating for people to lounge in and multiple water features were lined with lanterns.
“Thank you, Momma,” Tara whispered again as she looked around in awe.
She never would have picked something this extravagant for herself, never been able to afford it either. She knew the only reason her mother could was because she’d traded in a bunch of credit card points that Tara secretly suspected she’d been saving for herself to go on a little break.
The closest she’d ever been to somewhere this fancy before was in her junior year when she’d been part of a youth orchestra playing in Los Angeles and she’d run in to use the bathroom in the Four Seasons when their bus broke down.
She let Willow lead the check-in and admired the art adorning the walls. The desk clerk with a name tag that said Theo, and a reserved but bright hairstyle that said he was restraining his flamboyance, welcomed them and found their reservation.
“Ah yes, I see you here…we would be happy to store your belongs until check-in opens at 2 pm,” he said with an inexplicably cheery tone considering the hour.
Willow frowned, slowly turning it into a pout.
“We’ve been traveling for 24 hours. Is there anything you can do?”
“We are pretty busy this weekend…” Theo mused as he typed into the computer, “There’s a deluxe room available in the same type, but it’s an extra 75 New Zealand dollars per night. You seem like nice girls, I can do it for 50.”
“Done!” Willow replied eagerly as she whipped out her wallet, “Credit okay?”
Tara watched with concern as Theo ran the card but bit her tongue. Her neck cramp reappeared and she brought her hand to just under her hairline to massage it.
She watched Willow get the credit card shaped keys to the room and be given instructions to get to the elevator. Willow pressed the button for their floor and bounced up and down on her toes.
“That’s a high floor, the view should be amazing.”
“Hope so,” Tara replied, opening and closing her palm around the handle on her case; a subconscious release of frustration.
Willow checked the room number written on the key pouch once again when they arrived at the floor and led Tara down the corridor to the door of room 1113.
She slid the key into the reader and back out. A green light flashed and Willow put pressure on the door handle to open it.
The door opened right into the room. It had plush grey carpet, a huge king bed with crisp, white sheets, and a compact four-person table right beside the sliding glass door that led to the balcony.
“Nice,” Willow said, lifting leaving her bags on one of the two footstools that sat at the end of the bed alongside each other.
Her gaze paused on the large, but most notably, only bed in the room. Her brow creased.
“Did your mom book this room?”
“No, she booked a different room,” Tara muttered, but Willow had already stepped toward the windows.
“Check out the balcony! I was right about the view!”
She slid the door open and stepped out, then popped her head back in excitedly.
“I know we’re exhausted, but do you want to just sit here and watch the sun come up together?”
She looked so earnest, Tara struggled to hold onto her annoyance. Willow had only done something nice for them, after all.
“Yeah, that’d be nice,” she agreed softly and followed Willow out onto the balcony.
The view, indeed, was amazing; a clear scape of the harbor and lit-up city architecture, all illuminated in a soft orange glow.
“I’m on the other side of the world,” she whispered in awe.
Willow smiled softly at Tara’s profile taking in this new experience. She’d never been here either, but experiencing it with — through — Tara was amazing. It was the best filter.
She pulled up one of the chairs and put it beside Tara for her to sit into. Tara did it almost subconsciously, her weary legs responding before her mind registered what they were doing.
Willow sat in a chair beside Tara and watched her eye follow the skyline.
“Thank you,” she said, putting her hand over Tara’s.
Tara turned to her with a gently sloped, curious smile.
“For what?”
“Just being you,” Willow answered, shyly looking away.
Tara reached out and touched Willow’s cheek.
“You’re such a sweetie.”
She put her arm around Willow’s shoulders and pulled her in close.
They watched the sunrise drench the city in brightness together silently, quietly pondering all it would have to offer.
Tara woke lying beneath crisp sheets she barely remembered slipping under before she had crashed.
Her mouth felt fuzzy and desperately cried out for her toothbrush. She looked across the bed but the other side remained unslept in, as smooth and tucked in as when they’d first walked into the room.
Her eyes cast downward to the watch sitting on her wrist, but she hadn’t changed it from California time yet. She was too groggy to figure out the time difference, but when she turned over she saw an alarm clock beside the lamp and noted it was lunchtime.
Good, she thought. If she got up now and lasted until that evening, she’d been in a good position with her jetlag, or at least operating on local time.
She started to hear some clacking noises and lifted her head off the pillow. She saw Willow sitting at the table on her laptop, fingers flying as they usually did. Tara sat up fully and Willow looked over to her.
“Hey, you’re up.”
Tara made a noise of agreement as she got out of bed. She walked into the bathroom and realized her toothbrush was still packed, but there was a packaged one on the complimentary toiletry tray that seemed a whole lot more appealing than rooting through her luggage.
She ran the faucet and splashed her face, then used the washcloth folded neatly on the marble surface to dry it. It was the softest material she’d ever touched to her skin. It felt like she was being caressed by a cloud.
She squeezed toothpaste from the little tube provided and actually moaned for a moment when the mintiness instantly refreshed her mouth. She gave each tooth a thorough brushing and rinsed her mouth several times until her tongue moved around cleanly.
She glanced down and realized she hadn’t even gotten changed before falling asleep and was still wearing the t-shirt and sweats she’d traveled in. She definitely needed out of them and into fresher clothes. She walked back into the room and unzipped her suitcase.
She cast her eye toward Willow as she found new clothes to wear.
“Did you sleep?”
“No, I was wired,” Willow replied, her fast tone indicating she probably still was, “We’re so central here, we can walk to anywhere in the city. I know you wanted to do the Sky Tower, and I found this cool discount card we can pick up to get in cheaper. Plus get other things at a discount too, and not just here, when we travel south too. We can use it with the accommodation booking portal you found for us to use and build more points. Then we can redeem them for other accommodation. It’s a perfect loop of savings.”
Tara massaged the back of her neck again and picked out jeans and a nice blouse.
“That’s great.”
Willow sat back in the chair, hands crossed over her stomach.
“I’m starving. I almost raided the $20 Kit Kats in the mini bar. Do you want to go grab some lunch?”
“$20 Kit-Kats?” Tara asked in confusion as to why anyone would ever pay that, “Um, yeah, we can get lunch. Is it okay if I shower first? I’ll be quick.”
Willow nodded.
“Sure. I’ll find us a good place to eat.”
Tara paused for a moment.
“Could we maybe walk around the area and find a place together?”
“Oh, okay,” Willow replied with a shrug, “Sure, that sounds nice.”
Tara set her clothes down on the bed and lifted her as-yet unemptied luggage up onto the bed. She unzipped her snack pocket, which hadn’t been totally annihilated during the flight and took out the Kit-Kat that happened to be sitting inside. She brought it to Willow and offered it with a soft smile.
“The price is one kiss.”
Willow beamed and jumped up to accept the candy bar and proffer the kiss.
Tara felt Willow’s arms slide around her neck and then her lips press against her softly. All of Tara’s tension lifted with that first press of Willow’s lips and she relaxed into the embrace.
“I have to shower, I have to shower,” she mumbled, forcing herself to pull away.
“I have chocolate,” Willow returned, grinning, and dropped back into the chair to tear open the candy bar.
Tara went back into the bathroom and closed the door. She put her clothes folded on the lid of the toilet and pulled the door back on the huge, golden-hued shower.
Her entire bathroom at home would have fit into that shower. It had jets at various levels and the main shower head was as big as her face.
She undressed and stood into the stadium of a shower, her fingers trailing around the various knobs trying to figure out which to turn. She twisted the one she thought seemed most likely to start the main shower head and was promptly sprayed in the ass with freezing water. She screamed as her hand desperately sought the knob again to twist it off.
After a moment, there was a knock on the door.
“Uh…is everything okay?”
“Fine!” Tara screeched, making the decision to step out of the shower while she figured out the complicated system, “Just…fine!”
She huffed out a breath as water dripped down her legs onto the luscious bathmat beneath her feet and reached in again to figure out how to wash her damn hair.
Finally, water poured out from the top, taking just a moment to warm until it was comfortable enough for Tara to step under again.
The water got hot quickly and soothed her weary bones. She tilted her head forward so it ran down her neck and over her arching back, enveloping every muscle along the way.
She realized pretty quick she had nothing to actually wash with and had to pick up each little hotel-branded bottle sitting on the shelf to identify what it was. The soap was nice, but she had a lot of hair and needed every bit of the shampoo, even filling the bottle with water at the end to make it stretch a little.
Tara spent a lot longer in the shower than she’d ever spent in a shower before. At home, someone was always banging on the door to hurry up, or the hot water would cut out or, once, a missing check in the mail on a final reminder electric bill made the entire house plunge into darkness while Tara had a head full of suds. It all led to showering being a quick event.
Eventually, there was a familiar knock on the door, but it wasn’t the aggressive voice of her brother or the urgent voice of her mother than usually accompanied. It was the sweet, keen voice of the woman she loved if a little overly-keen at that moment.
“…Tara?”
Tara came crashing back down into the moment and remembered the promise of food.
“I’m coming! Sorry!” she yelled as she turned the shower off and stepped out to grab a towel.
Everything here was a cloud and she didn’t want to get dressed, but she couldn’t delay any longer.
She bundled her hair up in another towel and quickly dried and dressed in her fresh clothes. She let her hair down and toweled it through before quickly hanging the towels back up again and opened the door to a plume of released steam as she went to dig out her hairbrush.
“I’m so sorry, I lost track of time.”
Willow was leaning against the doorframe, smiling softly.
“Sounds like you were having some fun in there.”
Tara looked up, eyes wide.
“I-I wasn’t…”
Willow’s whole body lurched with panic.
“Oh god, no, I didn’t mean…!” she started stumbling over her words, “You were…there was yelping and…no I wasn’t, I just…!”
Her mouth opened and closed wordlessly and Tara turned away to brush her hair, blushing.
“I’m um, ready,” she said as she sat on the edge of the bed to slip her shoes back on.
Willow crossed her arms over herself awkwardly.
“You should bring a sweater. It’s winter here, don’t forget.”
Tara nodded and met Willow’s eye with a soft, absolving smile.
“Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me,” she said, fishing out a blue sweater to pull on, “We need to find a supermarket too and get shampoo and stuff. I used up all of those little bottles.”
“Right,” Willow nodded, “Yes, we shall do that.”
“We shall,” Tara replied with a hint of a teasing tone.
Willow stepped away from the wall, her eyes narrowing just a tad.
“You’re making fun of me.”
Tara’s nose scrunched.
“Just a little.”
Willow walked over and linked her arm in Tara’s.
“Jerk.”
Tara pressed a quick but insistent kiss to Willow’s cheek, who blushed as she led them out of the room. They got to the elevator and Willow pressed the button for going down. The doors opened and an older couple was already inside. Willow dropped Tara’s arm as they crossed into it and stood in the corner to be as out of the way as possible.
They got to the lobby and let the older couple out before following.
“Are you okay?” Tara asked quietly as they crossed the lobby and out into the street.
“Yeah, why?” Willow asked; her tone shy, just about, of defensiveness and trying to seem airy.
“No reason,” Tara dismissed, “So which way should we go? Along the harbor?”
Willow nodded in agreement and they hadn’t even walked a blocked when they turned a corner and had a wealth of shopping and food choices at their feet.
They didn’t end up walking far before settling on a place to eat since they were both pretty hungry. Tara suggested the first place that looked cheap to avoid any conflict and Willow would have eaten anything at that point.
It was an open kitchen that was reminiscent of a soul food kitchen at home with a mix-match of table styles. They picked a two-seater at the window with a glass top that looked like it could be garden furniture.
The menu was written on a board above the order counter, scrawled in chalk.
“I’m gonna get the kiwi burger and kumara fries,” Willow said, her pronunciation just slightly off, but enough to raise a giggle from two guys at a nearby table.
“Beetroot, I guess that’s beet? And fried egg,” Tara read, nodding, “…interesting. Delicious I’m sure.”
“What would you like?” Willow asked.
Tara inhaled around her.
“All this beautiful water is making me crave seafood,” she said, reading through the few fresh fish options, “The mussel pot special looks good…especially at half price.”
Willow started to stand, then sat again when she spotted those guys watching her to see what pronunciation she'd flub next.
“Would you order for us?”
“Sure,” Tara agreed and went up to the counter to place the order.
She was given the receipt and two cups inside each other with two sets of silverware wrapped in a napkin sitting inside. She brought them back to the table and put the silverware packages down.
“What would you like to drink? He said pick anything from the fridge.”
“Try L&P,” one of the men from the nearby table called over, “Kiwi classic.”
“Thanks,” Tara replied, looking to Willow to see if that was okay.
Willow nodded tersely and Tara went off to get two bottles. She sat back down and poured them into each glass.
Willow held her cup in her hands and lifted it to her mouth. The smell was strong and almost medicine-y. She took a sip and it was unusual; a little fizzy, a little salty, a little bitter. The lemon hit bubbled across her tongue and she wasn’t quite sure what that overall flavor was, but it was unique.
Tara did the same and she smiled, lifting her cup in greeting at the recommenders.
“Hey, thanks.”
They returned the toast and threw their eyes over the two for a few moments.
“You ladies new in town?”
“Just landed,” Tara replied sweetly.
The guy closest turned in the chair.
“If you need tour guides…”
“We have tour guides,” Willow interrupted curtly, “Thanks.”
The two boys grumbled in each other’s direction and stood up to leave. Willow watched them go through the door and raised an eyebrow at Tara.
“You really need to get better at realizing when someone is checking you out.”
Tara frowned.
“I don’t think…” she started, then shook her head, “It doesn’t matter anyway. I think that’s our food. Whoa.”
A huge pot of mussels was placed in front of her, sitting in a broth that made Tara’s mouth water, with a big hunk of homemade bread beside it.
Equally, Willow’s burger was the size of her head and she needed to cut it in quarters just to be able to eat it.
“Okay, so far, I love New Zealand,” Willow giggled, “Dare you try this unique combination?”
“I’ll stick to these, thank you,” Tara replied, running a spoon through the broth and lifting it to her mouth, “Wow, this is amazing.”
Willow continued eating, her eyes lighting up when she tried a kumara fry.
“Tara, try these fries! They’re so good!”
Tara tried one and agreed that they were easily the best fries she’d ever tasted. She pulled the loose shell on a mussel open and lifted it to her mouth. It was salty and buttery and tasted like the ocean and hit Tara’s craving just right.
“This is actually really good,” Willow said as she ate her burger and Tara giggled at the beet juice dotting her nose from the sheer size of it.
“What?” Willow asked, finding Tara’s laugh infectious even without knowing why.
Tara lifted her napkin from her lap, reached across the table and wiped her nose clean.
“Oh,” Willow said, blushing as she saw the napkin come away, “Willow the Dinosaur, Barney’s long-lost companion.”
Tara rested her cheek on her palm and looked up coyly at Willow. Her foot slipped out of her ballet flat and reached across the underside of the table. She slipped it under the hem of Willow’s jeans and rubbed her shin.
“With imagination…”
Willow felt a knot in her stomach at the look Tara flashed in her direction, telling her everything that was happening in Tara’s imagination at that moment. She hid a smile toward the floor and shoved some fries in her mouth to replace the squeeze of arousal in her stomach with fullness.
“So good. Salty. Have some more.”
Tara plucked a fry from the basket and knowingly ate it slowly between her fingers.
Willow gulped and downed the rest of her L&P in all of its unusualness because it would cool her off and wet her throat and dammit, now her brain was the one using its imagination.
She watched Tara bring a mussel shell to her mouth and suck the mollusk free, the broth she’d dipped the shell in wetting her lips and lightly dribbling down her chin. Tara wiped her mouth and never in her life had Willow wanted to be a napkin more.
She busied herself with finishing her meal to distract herself from those feelings and avoided looking at anything that involved Tara’s mouth.
They finished their food and paid with little commotion and walked back onto the street. There was a nice breeze, which Willow appreciated on her warm cheeks and Tara started gathering her hair up in a ponytail.
Kill me now, Willow thought as she saw the loose hair on the nape of Tara’s neck wave freely in the wind,
Or she’ll do it for me.
“Uh, you wanted to find a supermarket, right?” Willow asked, averting her gaze.
“Can we find one near the hotel and do a loop?” Tara asked, her arms settling by her side again, “So we’re not carrying a bunch of bags around?”
“Right, good idea,” Willow nodded, “I can map it.”
She pulled out her phone and found a store where they could pick up some necessities just a block away from the hotel in the opposite direction they’d turned in when leaving.
They decided they’d keep going in the direction they were in and find it later, and so spent the next number of hours exploring the downtown area and all it had to offer in shopping and food options and entertainment.
They took a lot of leaflets and pictures of event posters to save and come back to later and spent the day laughing and planning together. Because they wanted to do so much, there would never be enough hours in the day, but now they had options.
As night fell, they found themselves overlooking some different water; a stream running through a park about a half mile from the hotel. A rope bridge was suspended across it, with the rope braided in such a way that you could safely weave your legs through and sit over the stream in its gentle sway.
Tara was lifting her chin toward the same sun she’d watch rise that morning as it set and made the stream glean.
Water rushed beneath them and the trees rustled in the wind and if you listened closely you could hear the rope swinging through the air. The birds' songs were dying but Tara had always loved the end of a song best; the note that resonated and held you in its essence even after it was over.
“Listen,” she said to Willow, who was sitting alongside her, “That is the sound of peace.”
Willow looked at the last rays of sunshine hit Tara’s face and smiled softly.
“Yeah.”
She rested her head on Tara’s shoulder, who extended the opposite arm around and held Willow to her tenderly.
“You getting tired?”
Willow nodded against Tara’s shoulder.
“Yeah, it’s hitting me.”
Tara let her hand fall away gently.
“Come on, let’s get you back to bed. We’re not too far, I don’t think.”
Willow paused and inhaled the sweetness of the moment.
“One more minute.”
A few ‘one more minute’s later, Willow was almost snoring on Tara’s shoulder and Tara forced them both up. She kept an arm around Willow’s shoulders to help her along but had only wandered out of the park entrance for a moment or so when she realized she wasn’t quite sure which way to go.
“Um, do you know which way to the hotel? I know we came this way but is that…?”
“Use the map app,” Willow mumbled sleepily.
Tara took out her phone and pulled up the map app, but it just remained a grey screen.
“It’s not working.”
“Lemme try, lemme try,” Willow replied, taking the phone and poking at it with frustration, “You don’t have any data.”
She tried to take her own phone out of her pocket but ended up sending both phones skidding along the sidewalk. She stumbled to pick them up and Tara eventually grabbed them both and pulled Willow up straight again.
“It’s okay, it’s okay. Look, I can see the harbor between those two buildings. If we walk along it, we’ll find the hotel eventually.”
They walked, Willow mostly shuffling, to the edge of the harbor and thankfully the hotel was about five blocks away, with a little street weaving. When they were in the elevator, Willow had her head against the wall and was mumbling.
“Supermarket…”
“We’ll go tomorrow,” Tara soothed, “You need to sleep. If you sleep all night we’ll be on a good schedule. Come on, just a few more steps…”
Willow took the few heavy steps to their room and crawled toward the bed. Tara helped root out some pajamas and Willow made herself get up to go into the bathroom and minimize a disruptive sleep by changing into them.
Tara pulled back the sheets of the freshly made bed and saw their things had been tidied up. She made a note to be a bit more careful in the future; she was embarrassed that someone else had had to tidy up her mess.
Minutes, too many minutes, later Tara approached the bathroom door and knocked.
“Willow? Are you okay?”
There was no answer so Tara carefully pushed the door open and peeked inside.
Willow was wedged between the shower and the wall, toothbrush half hanging out of her open mouth as she snored.
Tara silently took the toothbrush out, pushed Willow’s jaw closed and pulled her, half-conscious, into bed.
She plugged Willow’s phone in to charge, folded the clothes that had been abandoned in the bathroom and went to sit on the balcony to overlook the twinkling lights of this new city.
“I can’t believe you almost passed out, you big baby.”
“I did not ‘almost pass’ out,” Willow huffed, “I stumbled for a moment, but not because it was so high! My shoelace just got under me!”
Tara grinned as they arrived back at their hotel room door.
“You’re wearing slip-ons.”
Willow looked down at her shoes with a look of disdain worthy of their betrayal and followed Tara into the room. She kicked them off and threw her sweater over a chair as the room was plenty warm without it.
“Okay, maybe I was a little wobbly.”
They’d spent the morning getting a bus tour and history lesson around the city and the afternoon visiting the famous Sky Tower and all its 1074 feet of glory. They had been 700 feet in the air with views 50 miles in any direction and Willow, admittedly, did have to sit for a moment as she took it all in from that great height.
On their way back to the hotel they stopped at a food truck and gotten some noodles, which they’d eaten walking along the harbor with wooden chopsticks.
They hadn’t decided what they were going to do that evening yet. Willow wanted to look through the leaflets they’d collected the day before and Tara just wanted to spend some more time together, though she wouldn’t mind if they… stayed in.
“Is this room too high up for you?” Tara teased and Willow just stuck out her tongue.
Hiding a smirk, she sat on the bed against the headboard and threw her legs up. She put her phone onto charge as it was nearly dead and crossed her hands behind her head.
“This bed is so comfortable. I didn’t wake up once last night.”
“You were out cold,” Tara replied, standing in front of the mirror to brush her hair, “I slumped a little at lunchtime today but I’m glad I powered through it.”
“Yeah, me too,” Willow agreed, “The bus tour guide helped. He was funny and this accent is very uplifting. I really like it here.”
Tara glanced at Willow through the mirror as the brush glided through her hair. She gave the ends another few run-throughs to rid any knots there and put her brush on the desk.
She gave herself the once-over in front of the mirror and turned to face Willow.
“Do you know the best thing about being here?”
“What?” Willow asked, smiling across the room at her.
Tara walked toward Willow slowly and when she got to the foot of the bed, she began climbing over her, to an ever-increasing wide-eyed stare from Willow. Tara held herself up with a palm flat above each of Willow’s shoulders and pressed their lips together softly.
“We are finally…”
Her hips pressed into Willow’s, who gasped in a shaky breath of air as Tara’s lips scorched her throat. Tara sat back up so she was straddling Willow and smirked downward.
“Completely…”
Her hand went to the top button on her own blouse and pulled it free.
“Alone.”
Willow watched each button come loose in slow motion, feeling a heavier and heavier pressure in her chest.
With one button left and cleavage gorgeously wrapped in pink lace on display (with a tantalizing glimpse of blank ink that was still
so sexy), Willow suddenly shot up straight.
“I-I can’t.”
Tara’s eyes widened and she immediately grabbed either side of her shirt closed with one hand.
“Oh,” she said quickly, clearing her throat as her cheeks grew pink, “Oh, that’s fine. That’s totally fine, no problem. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”
“I just, I have my period,” Willow waffled and immediately a silent tension came down around them.
Tara blinked several times and finally caught Willow’s eye. Willow felt the cutting stare and had to stop herself from shaking.
“You had your period last week,” Tara said quietly, “You said you were relieved you wouldn’t have it on the plane.”
Willow’s mouth opened and closed, caught in the lie.
“I…”
“Is this about my tattoo?” Tara asked, gripping her shirt closed tighter, self-consciously.
“No, no!” Willow protested, waving her hands in front of her, “I think your tattoo is really pretty, I do! Actually, I think it’s really, um…it’s not your tattoo, it’s not your tattoo!”
Tara’s eyes closed as she looked down.
“Are you attracted to me?”
“Of course!” Willow replied, words coming out in a rush of panic.
Tara looked up again, hurt in her eyes.
“I’m not trying to pressure you. You know I would never do that.”
“I know,” Willow replied surely, “I know that Tara, I…”
She trailed off and Tara’s brow creased.
“Sometimes I feel like you want to tear my clothes off and then…” she said, swallowing before huffing out a couple of quick breaths, “I just… can you just be honest with me? You know I’ll wait, forever, I will. But I need you to be honest, I just need you to be real with me. Can you please tell me what’s going on, can you please just tell me what you’re feeling?”
“I’m disgusted!” Willow blurted and once again her vision skewed into slow motion as she watched the muscles on Tara’s face ripple with multiple flashes of hurt.
“No,” Willow started shaking her head, all the blood draining from her face, “NO! I said that wrong, no! NO!”
Tara stepped off the bed on shaky legs and speedily buttoned up her shirt, missing out on one on the way so it sat on her awkwardly, misaligned.
Willow followed her, falling into the wall with the speed she sought to get off the bed.
“Tara, not you, never you! I’m not disgusted by you. It’s me, it’s all me!”
“You’ve made your feelings perfectly clear,” Tara said, voice fraught as she slipped into the pair of shoes she’d taken off near the table and bolted for the door, “I need air.”
“Tara, wait!” Willow called after her frantically, rushing out and catching the door again before it closed and locked them both out, “Tara!”
She watched Tara disappear around the corner and glanced back at the door her arm was holding precariously open. She pushed her way back in and fell about the room to get her shoes on. She lifted her phone and called Tara’s number, but it just buzzed on the table in mocking silence.
“Dammit!” Willow screamed, before quickly throwing her sweater back over her and stuffing her phone and the room keys into the front pocket.
She sprinted down to the elevators, but Tara was already gone, so all Willow could do was wait with tears threatening to roll down her cheeks for it to come back up so she could get down. She pressed the button for the lobby aggressively and waited the age it seemed for the elevator to descend.
She ran straight through the lobby and skidded through the revolving doors to get out onto the street. She looked up and down each side of the street desperately, but Tara was nowhere in sight. She ran back in and up to the check-in desk, slapping her hands on it to steady herself.
“D-Do you know my girlfriend, she just ran out of here?” Willow asked, with no conscious thought that this was the first time she’d referred to Tara as such out loud.
The woman behind the desk nodded.
“Yes, ma’am, I know her.”
Willow took a key card from her pocket and slid it across.
“If she comes back, can you give her this? She forgot hers. Room 1113.”
She took the key and put it in a new pouch, writing the number on it.
“Of course, ma’am. 1113.”
“Thanks,” Willow rattled off again before stepping off to hurry back outside.
She stood in the same place she had a minute before, this time weighing up her odds.
She looked at her watch.
The Sky Tower opened late.
She turned and headed for there, running in the hopes the wind would whip her cheeks and scare the tears away.
She paid the entrance fee and it was only halfway up to the 51st level she was destined for that she realized Tara had run out with nothing, no money or anything, and would not have been able to get up here even if she’d wanted to.
She looked out of the glass elevators as they ascended higher and higher above the city where she had no idea Tara was, hurt and alone because of her.
She’d seen that look on Tara’s face once before; when she’d told Willow she liked her and Willow had…reacted. This time was even worse, somehow.
She covered her face with her hands and felt a little tug on her pants leg. There was a little girl standing with her parents, smiling cheerily at being allowed to stay up so late.
“Is ‘kay, not so high. Not so bad,” she said, “Daddy scared too.”
The girl’s father cleared his throat but didn’t lift his gaze from the floor. Willow attempted a smile, but it was strained.
The kid looked exactly like Tara had at that age, the age they’d met, and she was suddenly flooded with years of memories; not one of which made her feel disgusted.
One little suffix could have stopped this from ever happening.
Because she was not disgust
ed, she was disgust
ing, but not for the reasons she’d thought right up until this moment.
She was disgusting for putting that frown on Tara’s face. She was
not disgusting for the thousand smiles she’d put there. Tara’s smile lit up the world and some of it was because of her. Some of Tara’s smiles were because of her and that could only be a good thing.
All of her walls started crumbling in an elevator full of people but no one paid any attention as she hunched down and put her head against her knees.
A hand poked her side and she looked out to see the little not-Tara stretching her arms out.
“Wan’a hug?”
“Don’t bother the lady,” the girl’s mother said, putting a guiding arm around her daughter.
“She’s okay,” Willow reassured, a little choked and smiled at the girl before the doors finally opened.
She straightened up and immediately left only to realize she needed to step back into the elevator to go down again.
She got lost in the shuffle of people coming back down, and though she appreciated the speediness of the lift, the 80 seconds dragged as she struggled not to have an emotional breakdown.
She stopped on the street when she was back on it and tried to take stock of everything.
Her internal rollercoaster was going to have to pull up to the station because Tara was out there somewhere in a city she didn’t know, upset and without any phone or money or anything but the shirt on her back.
She took her phone out of her pocket on the off-chance there was a missed call and Tara was safe in the hotel room, but there was nothing. She shoved it back in her pocket and tried to think of the places they’d seen, the ones Tara wanted to go back to.
It was only after walking another mile of dark streets that suddenly, she knew exactly where Tara would be.
Listen…that is the sound of peace.She closed her eyes and wracked her brain. Where had that been? She knew it was a park near the hotel, but she barely remembered coming home from it, she was so tired. She pulled up a map, but there were at least six parks within a mile radius of the hotel.
A Google search for any of their names + rope bridge brought up nothing, so with technology failing her, she set about pounding the pavement to search each park.
Two hours, five parks and her voice raw from asking people about rope bridges and if they’d seen Tara (with accompanying photo) later, she crossed through the entrance of the last park and immediately heard the trickling of water.
Stream, you idiot. The bridge is over a stream.Without bothering to check to see if she would have in fact found the park a lot quicker if she’d searched for a stream, she picked up the pace again and jogged further in until she saw the rope bridge swinging in the moonlight. Someone was sitting with their legs through the ropes, holding the ones on top between their fingers.
It would have been beautiful; it was beautiful, in fact, until Willow got close enough to see the utter sorrow on Tara’s face. It hit her hard, but so did the relief that she’d found her. She ran and skidded on her knees beside Tara, clutching her chest with one hand.
“Thank god I found you,” she panted, hands dropping in the dirt as she caught her breath, “Please let me explain, Tara.”
“I think you were clear,” Tara replied, her voice hollow, her stare unrelentingly forward on some unknown fixed point.
Willow stayed on her knees on the ground where the bridge started.
“No. I wasn’t. I was possibly the most unclear I’ve ever been.”
Tara didn’t react; she stayed completely unmoving apart from the gentle swing of her legs out and under the bridge. She looked broken and it made Willow sick to her stomach.
“Tara, you do not disgust me. You, you’re…you’re so beautiful.”
Tara’s eyes shut and Willow felt more panic rise in her throat.
“Please listen. I know I don’t deserve it but please…please listen.”
Tara finally turned her face toward Willow, her eyelids heavy with the weight of her pain.
Willow remembered seeing those eyes for the first time again. The comfort they’d instantly brought. The little face that had brightened her life so effortlessly and so immediately.
She started talking before she even realized her mouth was opening.
“I saw this little girl and she was you except Australian, at least I think she was Australian, I’m still not totally sure on the accents, I mean they were in the Sky Tower so I don’t think they were local, of course, they might be from another part of the country and doing the touristy stuff and actually now that I think about it maybe it was South African but…” she stopped and took in a breath, “But this isn’t helping.”
Her butt sank so it hit her heels, her body deflating.
“I said what I said…because I disgust me. I thought…I thought I was disgusted because…because you’re a girl,” she said, swallowing and finding herself now unable to meet Tara’s eye, “But I’m really disgusted that I’m such a coward. Disgusted about how many times I’ve hurt you just to avoid my own hurt. I’m disgusted that I let how everyone else sees me affect how I behave when yours is the only opinion I actually care about.”
Tara stayed silent but didn’t rebuff her. Willow focused the spot where the moon hit the stream and watched the water trickle along.
“I kept negotiating with myself in my head.”
Her eyelids flickered closed and she swallowed, clearly struggling to get out what she needed to say.
“I would…okay, it’s like this.”
She took in a deep breath and lowered her voice.
“I would think, ‘okay, Tara’s touching me but it's not really real if we don't kiss during’, then ‘it's not really real if our hands aren’t under our shirts too’, then ‘it's not really real if we keep all our clothes on no matter what we do.’ Really thought I’d outwitted myself pretty good on that one.”
She let out a single, sad chuckle as Tara’s brow began to crease.
“In the room,” Willow continued, gulping, “When you…when I realized what you were suggesting… I was bottoming out. There was nowhere left to negotiate. If we did…
it, properly, and I liked it — and I knew I was going to like it — that was it. I was officially…that. And I didn’t want to be…that. I didn't want something else for people to ‘other’ me with for life.”
Tara inhaled softly and Willow looked at her with eyes starting to brim with tears.
“You’ve been so patient. You let me have you however I wanted you and I took advantage and I didn’t even really realize it until right now.”
She looked down again briefly, hiding her face as a sob threatened to rise in her throat.
“I’ve been trying, I really have. I know it probably doesn’t seem like it but I have. I’ve spent so many nights…”
Her voice started to wobble.
“I cried and cried,” she explained, dangerously close to doing the same right at that moment, “Up late at night. And I hurt. And I tried to fight and I cried to god. And it didn’t work. So just now it all culminated tonight and I had a moment, a panicked moment and I made you feel like shit and that
sucks. But I adore you in every way there is and I think about
that and
you and I
want it, I don’t want you to think otherwise.”
She made herself look at Tara again, showing her vulnerability.
“You asked if I’m attracted to you. I’m so attracted to you it terrifies me.”
Tara couldn’t help but reach out, intending to caress Willow’s cheek. Instinct made her start to pull back, but Willow leaned in and nuzzled, her eyes closing for a moment as she clearly took in comfort from the action. She didn’t flinch when a couple walked past them.
Tara exhaled slowly.
“Willow…” she said softly, trying to take in all of that information.
She blinked for a moment, sliding her hand down to Willow’s shoulder and squeezing it.
“Doing…anything with me doesn’t mean some absolute…I don’t care how you identify, I never did.”
“I know you don’t, but I do,” Willow replied, her voice hollow with pain and low, embarrassed, “I do; as much as I don’t want to, I do. I’m scared of what those words mean to the rest of the world.”
Tara opened her mouth to say she understood, she’d felt like that too, but Willow rushed in first.
“But I finally get that I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live in this in-between place that denies how important you are to me. I can’t bear all the pain I’m causing…both of us. I want to change. I want to be brave.”
Tara’s eyes softened and she brushed her fingers against the nape of Willow’s neck. Willow gulped.
“It’s not—” she stopped to take a moment before speaking more clearly, “I can’t promise I’m going to change overnight. I know I can’t just flip a switch. But I will change how I deal with those bad feelings. I’ll talk to you and I’ll push myself and whatever else I need to do. I’ll rise above this, rise above this doubt.”
“Willow, I love you,” Tara said, inadvertently gripping the back of Willow’s neck tighter, “All I’ve ever done is try to love you.”
“I know. And all I’ve ever done is deny it,” Willow replied sadly, “I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“If you want to stop hurting me, then stop hurting yourself,” Tara replied plainly, maybe as plainly as she’d ever spoken to Willow, “You have to be real with me. I never know where I am with you. This stuff, and at your prom and a bunch of other times. I feel like I'm just an experiment or a thrill but you'll never actually see me as someone you'll commit to, that you want to be in an actual relationship with. I feel that you just want our friendship and…someone to make out with or flatter your ego or something.”
Willow’s face scrunched.
That hurt.
It was deserved, but it hurt.
“Tara, no, I…” she said, swallowing several times as her mouth went dry and heart began to thud but also determined to say it, “I’m in love with you.”
“You are?” Tara asked, eyebrows lifting in surprise.
“Of course I am,” Willow replied, in a tone that could only be described as bewildered, “How can you even ask that?”
Tara’s hand moved back to Willow’s shoulder, holding her there lightly.
“You never told me.”
Willow’s face slowly fell.
“And I never showed you. Not enough. Not clearly,” she said, shutting her eyes tight as her heart squeezed to a similar tautness, “I guess I always thought in the back of my head what I was doing was okay because you knew…”
She shook her head to herself.
“It’s funny, I used to tell you I loved you all the time, before…It was as easy as saying hello. But then the words meant more and I couldn’t admit it because that was another ‘tick’ in the not-straight box.”
“You can’t even say ‘gay’, can you?” Tara asked, though gentle it still made Willow squirm.
She swallowed again.
This was all very raw and they were so very public but she owed Tara being honest for once.
“I get it. My issues are hurting you and they're hurting us. And maybe the right, proper thing is for me to go away and become a better me by myself. And if you ask me to do that I will. I'll do this trip on my own, I'll make sure we're not in the same place at the same time, I’ll take this journey and hope you find your way back to me.”
She scooted closer on her knees.
“But if there's any chance you think we can work this out together…I love you and I just want this to work. I am so sick and tired of being afraid all the time. I just…”
“What?” Tara prompted softly.
Willow exhaled, keeping Tara’s gaze.
“I just want to be happy. And you're a big part of that.”
This was everything Tara had ever wanted to hear but she knew Willow, and she knew Willow was great at telling people what they wanted to hear.
“We can't stay in this stasis. I need to feel like you want a real relationship. Not this…rollercoaster. Not one way behind closed doors and another outside. Because if all you want is friends…or friends with benefits…you have to tell me. I-it’s not fair. I promised I’d always be your friend and I will, but I can’t if you—”
“I don’t mean to cut you off,” Willow cut in, sniffling, “But I’ve never wanted to be just friends. I didn’t always understand what that meant, but I do now and I don’t feel any different. I want you to be my…everything. You are my everything.”
Tara’s heart fluttered at the emotion passing over Willow’s face. She watched as Willow took in two short breaths, then crawled on her hands and knees and leaned in to kiss Tara square on the mouth.
Tara could almost feel Willow’s heart thudding just from proximity. She knew how much this was taking and the gesture Willow was making. It was hard not to melt into it until she felt her cheek get wet.
She pulled away and cupped Willow’s cheek, rubbing the tear away with her thumb.
She mouthed ‘it’s okay’, which just made Willow duck her head to hide more tears.
“I have to ask you to be patient. And I know you have been, so much. But if you stick with me I promise I'll do better. I know that might not mean anything right now but…this is like the very last push off the cliff and I was hanging on by my fingertips. I’m going over,” she said, raising her eyes to Tara’s, “But you make me feel like I can fly.”
Tara could feel her own tears pricking.
“I really need you to mean it this time, Willow. I’ve held back so many times.”
“Don’t hold back,” Willow replied quickly, “Kick me up the ass. If I hurt you, tell me. I won’t run anymore. Nothing is worth feeling how I felt tonight when I couldn’t find you. That’s not who we are. Whatever it is, I’ve…I’ve always been able to find you.”
Tara’s heart burst and she let herself feel the affection behind those words. For better or worse, she was in this. She always had been. She held her hand over Willow’s.
“I trust you.”
Willow sat up, hope etched on her face.
“You wanna try this for real, real? Even…if I’m not perfect?”
“I don’t want perfect, I just want you,” Tara replied in a breath, “The real you.”
Willow shook her head again.
“I don't deserve you.”
Tara frowned in frustration and had a rare moment of abandoned restraint.
“You don't get to decide your worth to other people.”
Willow fell back on her butt, stunned as she processed those words.
“Well, shit.”
And with that epiphany, long-ignored neurons went to work igniting new connections that would ultimately heal them both.
They fell into a silence as everything hung in the air between them.
Reconciled but raw; hope and fear and the impending sense that there had been a massive shift and they were both entering into something unknown.
Finally, Willow broke the spell by reaching out to touch Tara’s arm.
“You're freezing,” she said, instantly whipping off her sweater and putting it over Tara’s shoulders.
Tara started to refuse, but Willow insisted and covered Tara's ice-cold arms.
“Let’s get you inside.”
Tara didn’t protest, the small bit of warmth only highlighted how cold she actually was. It was probably only 45 degrees or so and she’d been sitting in the path of many bustling trees and the associated wind for hours.
She had to stretch her legs for a moment before she could walk while Willow was wiping her own butt and knees free of the dirt she’d sat in.
As they headed for the entrance of the park, she looked around and was surprised to see no one was paying them any attention.
She felt like they’d just put on an entire stage show but other couples were just enjoying their stroll, or people were walking through focused on their music or own thoughts. Even the groups of teenagers were throwing a ball around or laughing at each other’s antics.
No one even looked in their direction until Willow accidentally stumbled into one man, who even then just smiled and apologized and continued on his way.
The way home was filled only with city noise, despite them walking close enough that their elbows kept brushing.
When they got to the hotel, Willow suddenly doubled back when they reached the elevator.
“Wait, one sec.”
The doors opened before she was back and Tara stood in, keeping it open with her arm. More people arrived and before Tara had a chance to react, she was pushed back into the corner and the doors were closing.
Willow jogged back with the second key card and stared at the empty place Tara had been.
Ouch.
She despondently pressed the up button and rode the elevator alone up to the floor.
Tara was waiting when she got there and Willow handed over the key card awkwardly.
“Guess you need this. I gave it in at the desk in case you came back.”
“I didn’t just…” Tara tried to explain, “People just piled in.”
“It’s okay,” Willow dismissed, ducking her head to hide.
As they walked down the corridor, she glanced over at Tara and really noticed how red and raw her eyes were under the bright lights.
For the eighth hundred and seventeenth time in her life, Willow felt guilt and it had only compounded every time since the first.
Once inside the room, Tara went straight into the bathroom and spent quite a while in there.
Willow just sat at the foot of the bed with no idea how to feel.
She wanted to cry, but she didn’t feel she deserved the sympathy it would invoke. Everything still felt so strained. She’d explained, she’d apologized—
She suddenly jumped up and went to the bathroom door. She placed her palm flat on it.
“Tara?” she called through, “I don’t think I said sorry. I am, I’m…I’m so sorry.”
Her hand slowly fell away.
“I’ll leave you alone now.”
She went back into the room and felt lost in the small space. She had never been claustrophobic, but she felt it now.
Tara came back out dressed in her pajamas, face clean and hair tied up.
“I’m going to go to bed. I want to go to the market tomorrow and it starts at 8 am.”
Willow internally squirmed uncomfortably. Tara’s tone wasn’t harsh but she was exhausted and little shoulder devils told Willow she was fed up. Of her.
“I can see if I can get another room for the night.”
Tara looked at Willow strangely.
“Why would you do that?” she asked and briefly ran her hand across Willow’s spine as she passed by.
That small gesture of affection meant so much to Willow, like laying a jacket over a puddle of self-doubt so she could step over it.
“I might go to bed too. Walked around a lot today.”
Tara nodded and Willow moved into the bathroom. She sat on the toilet lid and started rolling her neck to try and relieve some of the tension.
As she rolled it to the right, she spotted her pajamas sitting on top of the radiator. Tara must have put them there to warm them up for her when she was in there.
The puddle started to drain.
She changed into them and brushed her teeth, then used a washcloth to clean her face. When she looked at herself in the mirror, her eyes weren’t red like Tara’s but they were sunken and slightly twitchy with anxiety. She quickly glanced away and folded the washcloth up again.
Back in the room, Tara was already lying in bed. Willow crept over to ‘her’ side, the side she’d been sleeping on. She’d never had a side of the bed before; she just rolled around wherever she wanted.
Except when Tara had slept over, and then no matter how she fell asleep they seemed to end up pressed together in some way.
For warmth, she’d always told herself.
In California.
In fact, the last year had been the least cuddly they’d ever been. Willow figured she’d rejected it so much that Tara had stopped trying.
As she looked across the vast expanse of bed, a chasm of her own making, she desperately wanted to go back to the days of curling up together beneath one blanket.
Now it was so complicated.
But did it have to be?
She looked over at Tara again.
“Could I put my arm around you?”
“Of course,” Tara replied without hesitation or complication.
Willow slid across the sheet and through the barrier of her own mind and slid her arm comfortably around Tara’s waist. She awkwardly settled her head above Tara’s shoulder, who simply turned her head and gave Willow a brief kiss.
Willow almost burst into tears.
All she could see in Tara’s tender gaze was how much hurt she’d put there earlier.
“You know what I said to Donny, that day of my birthday when I went off on him?”
Tara shook her head and Willow lips pursed together, pained.
“I said, ‘you don’t just get to indulge your own problems and ignore how much it’s hurting other people’.”
Her eyes closed to hide.
“Such a hypocrite.”
Tara sighed deeply.
“Willow, there is
no equivalence.”
“But there’s still some truth,” Willow replied sadly.
Tara placed her hand on Willow’s cheek to force her to open her eyes.
“The truth is that losing yourself in your mistakes is no better than ignoring the mistakes to begin with,” she said, not breaking Willow’s gaze for a second, “And the truth is nothing without promise. Without acknowledgment of how to move forward and not drown in a pool of what was. Without a commitment to be better.”
She sighed again, though lighter this time.
“If you meant everything you said—”
“I did,” Willow replied quickly.
“Did you listen to what I said?” Tara asked with an arched eyebrow.
Willow nodded.
“Yes, every word.”
“The part about hurting yourself?” Tara asked pointedly, “Beating yourself up?”
Willow swallowed deeply.
“Hard to change the habit of a lifetime.”
“I know,” Tara replied through a soft breath, “But you can start tonight.”
She kissed Willow again, who accepted it gladly with a smile to Tara’s mouth as the doubt-puddle evaporated.
It would fill again, but for now, it was gone.
Tara moved her hand over Willow’s head and fell off at her neck.
“Goodnight, Willow,” she whispered as her arm naturally fell to hold Willow’s around her waist.
Willow felt the most peace she’d ever felt by falling asleep with the scent of Tara’s lotion on every inhale.
“Goodnight, Tara.”