CHAPTER RATING: PG-13
Chapter 5
October
I'm Sinking Faster And Faster Between Heaven And Disaster
A boy leaned his long frame against a set of lockers, almost standing to its full height.
His skin, tawny and warm made his dark eyes draw you into their depths invitingly. His tight black curls sat neatly atop his head and were thick enough to run his hand through, which he often did when engaging in conversation. He was clean-shaven in the mornings but stubble was starting to show by the end of the school day. He would start to rub his chin as the afternoon scratch set in, making him frequently look like he was thinking hard about something.
Tara closed her locker door and was not startled to see her friend standing so close.
“Nate. Hi,” she greeted with a smile.
“Hey birthday girl,” Nate replied, flashing a white smile, “Feel different?”
Tara moved away from her locker and Nate fell in step with her. Tara shrugged her shoulder.
“Not much has changed.”
“You can…pawn something,” Nate suggested playfully.
Tara shook her head resolutely.
“I don’t own anything worth pawning except my instruments…and they’re not going anywhere.”
Nate swung the books in his hands from one side to the other.
“Gamble?”
Tara shrugged again.
“No money either.”
“Buy cigarettes?” Nate asked with a desperate tone.
Tara’s nose scrunched up.
“Gross.”
Nate half-sighed, half-laughed.
“You’re not going to do anything fun now you’re legally an adult?”
“I’m going to go get a free coffee at Calma Beans,” Tara offered as a reasonable alternative.
“I thought you liked the coffee at that Espresso place in your hometown,” Nate questioned, bushy eyebrow raised comically.
Tara laughed.
“I do, but they don’t give it out for free.”
“Okay, okay,” Nate agreed, settling back into a soft smile, “Want some company?”
Tara nodded.
“Sure, but I’m going to a job interview in an hour.”
“Sweet,” Nate agreed and threw an arm around Tara’s shoulders to walk them toward the parking lot.
He opened the passenger side door of his truck for Tara and helped push her up into it.
“Hey shorty,” he grinned as he closed the door over again.
He threw his books in the back and hopped in the driver’s side.
“You want Calma right? On 9th?” he asked as he buckled up.
“9th,” Tara answered. Her interview was just a couple of blocks from there.
“9th,” Nate repeated, tapping the wheel as he pulled out of the lot, “How do you think you did on Montrose’s pop quiz? I can read any piece of music you put in front of me but when they start throwing those Greek letters into math I’m out.”
“I have a, um, friend, who helps me with math and other homework,” Tara answered, glancing out the window, “We make up songs together.”
“You cheatin’ on me?” Nate asked with a smirk and arched eyebrow.
Tara just smiled and shook her head.
“They’re not real songs, they’re jokey songs. Like ‘letters to the left of me, numbers to the right, here I am, solving quadratics with you’.”
Nate laughed.
“Hey, it’s good, but I bet you can’t make sweet music like we can.”
“It’s just different,” Tara answered cagily, “She’s not a singer, she just likes the fun of it.”
“And you?” Nate prompted.
Tara smiled again.
“I like to see her have fun.”
Nate continued to grin cockily as he reached for the radio button.
“I’d still kick her butt at a game of radio randomizer.”
He fumbled with the stations until he found something he liked.
“Yes! You in?”
Tara grinned.
“I’m in.”
Nate tapped out the beat, using his whole body in the seat to feel it.
Who me? Not you, oh yes, who's he?
I even dig yo' man's style, but I love yo' profile
Whisper in your ear and get you all shook up
But don't blush, just keep this on the hushSometimes Nate took on the female vocal, just so Tara would be forced to test herself with the male.
Tara closed her eyes and visualized the tempo so she’d be in rhythm when her bar came up.
I hope ya not, 'cause your thighs got me hot
Only one plan, that's to rise to the top
I told you before when I first pursued
I want a interlude, in the nude Nate clapped twice, in tune before putting his hands back on the wheel and taking a corner.
Tara could only smile; locked in a car with Nate was the only place she felt comfortable enough to sing songs usually outside of her comfort zone, and only because he’d join in if something like Disney songs came on too. There was a loss of inhibitions when you were both willing to embarrass yourself.
Plus there was just something about driving along in a car that just made you want to sing along with whatever was playing.
He joined back in for his part and they sang the last refrain together.
I had to let you know that I got a crush on you!“Yes!” Nate hollered, grinning from ear to ear, “You’re the best white girl rapper I know, you know. I wish you’d do it at a show.”
“Just so I can make you look good in comparison,” Tara teased.
Nate reached over and placed his hand over Tara’s, engulfing it with the large size of his palm.
“You make me look good, but not in comparison. I make the best music of my life with you,” he said sincerely, lingering on Tara’s hand for a moment before taking his back to swing the truck into a parking spot.
Tara jumped down a lot easier than she’d climbed in, grabbed her bookbag from where it had been sitting between her legs and held it by the top handle. The lights on the truck flashed as the doors locked and she headed toward the café, where Nate held the door open for her.
“Thanks,” she smiled.
She wasn’t blind to his attention, but he was like that with everyone. A natural born flirt. And he was right — they did play great music together, so their dynamic worked.
She approached the counter and extended her smile for the barista.
“Can I get a medium hazelnut Fleetwood Macchiato please?”
Before she could redeem her birthday reward, Nate was handing over cash.
“Use your free one for the way home,” he said with a wink, “Happy Birthday.”
“Thanks, Nate,” Tara repeated and spoke thanks again when the barista offered her a birthday wish.
“I’ll get a small Sweet Chai O’ Mine,” Nate said and waited for the drinks while Tara got them a table.
After chatting for a few minutes about other things going on at school, Tara noted the way Nate was tapping his hands against the table.
“I like that beat.”
“I’ve had it in my head all day,” Nate replied, tapping a little more forcefully, “I’m thinking of it as an interlude to that song we wrote last week…”
He hummed for a moment before contributing some lyrics off the top of his head.
“So, what’s up, what’s up, tonight’s the night, we’re feeling good; Skin on fire, blazing heat, let me show you what you mean to me.”
“Oh whoa, oh-whoa-oh-oh…” Tara improvised a harmony with him and he clicked his fingers and nodded enthusiastically.
“Yes, you got it. We gotta write that down, that…”
He beatboxed the tune again and Tara took out the music notebook in the front pocket of her bookbag to write the notes down.
“You’re getting it wrong,” Nate complained, looking over her shoulder.
“I am not,” Tara protested.
“It’s—”
He started beatboxing it again and swiped Tara’s notebook to get it down as he saw fit.
“Hey!” Tara exclaimed and snatched it back, heart hammering.
She gulped at the surprised look on Nate’s face.
“Sorry. Just. It’s my notebook.”
Nate nodded, holding his hands up.
“Yeah of course. Sorry.”
Tara put the notebook down and opened it to an appropriate page, then slid it back across the table.
“You can write it how you want it.”
Nate declined with a polite smile.
“Your writing is prettier than mine anyway.”
“Okay, but you have to sing for me,” Tara replied light-heartedly, “I wouldn’t want to get them wrong again.”
“Alright, alright, alright,” Nate replied in his best McConaughey.
Together they worked out the melody and tried out a few harmonies.
Nobody around them paid any attention; most were other students from their school and were well used to it or doing similar themselves.
As Tara was packing her notebook away, her phone lit up with an alarm.
“Crap! I have to go.”
“Want me to drop you off?” Nate offered, already standing.
Tara stood and threw her bookbag over her shoulders.
“I’m good. See you tomorrow.”
“Can you bring your sax?” Nate asked, his fingers running through his hair, “I want to practice for the show this weekend in our free period.”
“You know most of them are, um, half-deaf, right?” Tara replied with a grin.
Nate shrugged one shoulder.
“But they’re full-generous with those delicious butterscotch candies.”
“I’ll bring it,” Tara promised, downing the last of her coffee and making a beeline for the door.
“Good luck,” Nate called after her, “Hey I never even asked where it—”
Tara was already gone, and Nate watched her leave.
Tara walked the few blocks to the place of her interview and got her compact mirror out of the side of her bag to tidy herself up. She took off her sweater and stuffed it into her bag then pulled at the hem of her V-neck so it plunged a little deeper at the chest.
Finally ready, she opened the door and crossed the threshold with the hope she’d come out employed.
Tara turned the key in the door, but before she could open it, she heard her name being called from behind.
“Tara!”
Tara looked over her shoulder and her face lit up when she saw Willow jogging past the gate toward her, holding a cupcake with a lit birthday candle in her hands.
“Hey. I’ve been keeping an eye out for you.”
“I’m sorry, I would’ve let you know I was going to be late today if I’d known,” Tara apologized, shuffling her bag over the shoulder it was hanging off so that it didn’t fall, “I had an interview.”
Willow briefly looked guilty.
“Yeah?” she prompted unsurely.
Tara smiled and nodded.
“I got it.”
Willow threw one arm around Tara.
“That’s amazing!” she exclaimed happily, “Where is it?”
“Burger joint in Brujas,” Tara answered shortly, “It’s better hours and easier to get to after school as well.”
Willow pulled back from the embrace, cheeks flushing under her smile.
“That’s so great, Tara,” she repeated her glee as the guilt of her inaction finally lifted, “I’m still so sorry about what happened at the club.”
Tara shrugged.
“It’s not your fault. He heard me make that remark about the guest and then got caught in the janitor’s closet ‘fraternizing’ with another. I should have known better, he never liked me. Besides this new place has way better tips.”
Willow nodded along and kept Tara’s gaze even after she’d stopped talking. After she realized she was staring, she extended her arms to present the cupcake.
“I know your mom probably baked you something delicious but… Happy Birthday,” she said earnestly, producing a lighter and lighting the candle for her, “I picked a special candle.”
Tara blew it out and it almost immediately reignited.
“See? It’s extra-flamey,” Willow grinned, “Did you make a birthday wish?”
Tara’s lips sloped into a half-smile.
“She’s standing in front of me.”
Tara took a step closer, but after a furtive glance around, Willow stepped back and cleared her throat. Tara rubbed the back of her own neck regretfully.
“Sorry,” she said, turning back to finally open the door, “Come upstairs?”
Willow nodded and they walked into the house together. It was quiet, but they headed straight for the stairs. Halfway up, Tara reached back for Willow’s hand.
Donny’s hungover head popped out from the living room and watched their retreating forms.
Upstairs, Tara let Willow into her room, backed up against the door until it was closed and flicked the lock on the door.
Willow sank down to perch on the edge of the bed, still holding the candle and its light, flickering away.
“Didn’t really anticipate the putting out part.”
Tara came and sat next to Willow, then lifted her hand to her mouth and licked the pad of her thumb and index finger. She squeezed the flame through it, which extinguished, leaving just a puff of smoke.
Willow gulped. She was sure that was intentional by how slowly Tara had done it.
And that was bad news because she was pretty sure she’d only lasted so long into her adolescence without acting on, or acknowledging, her feelings for Tara because Tara wasn’t
actively trying to turn her on. Now it was nothing short of torture.
“I got you something,” she blurted, “I mean apart from the cupcake. I got you something.”
Tara took the cupcake and slid her finger through the frosting, lifting it to her mouth.
She wasn’t trying this time but that didn’t stop it affecting Willow greatly.
“You did?”
Willow stared dumbly for a moment, then shook her head.
“Did what?”
Tara smiled and Willow’s world lit up. For many years she’d wondered why Tara’s smile always made her feel so happy so instantaneously.
Sometimes she wished she could go back to wondering.
“You said you got me something, silly.”
“Oh!” Willow replied suddenly, “Yeah, uh huh. It’s um…well, I hope you like it.”
She slid her hand into her front pocket and produced a small pink pouch. She handed it to Tara shyly.
Tara smiled and took it. She held it in her hand and pulled the strings so it opened up. She let the contents fall out and a silver bracelet pooled in her palm. She found the ends and pulled it taut so she could see the charm affixed in the middle. It was an odd shape, a curve on one side with jagged edges on the other, almost like a lima bean.
She wasn’t quite sure what it was, that was until Willow pulled up her sleeve and showed Tara she was wearing a matching one.
Tara put the shapes together and realized they made a heart.
Her breath immediately caught.
This was really the most Willow had expressed anything to her outside of whispered nothings and emotive kisses. Tara understood why, completely, and was willing to wait as long as it took. But this symbol meant a lot and she had to hold back tears lest Willow get the wrong idea.
“I love it.”
“You do?” Willow asked in relief.
She worried it might be too childish or something. They’d made friendship bracelets as kids and Willow just wanted to give something
more.
“I’m glad. I just…” she paused and slid it over Tara’s right wrist, “I wanted to give you something that…”
Tara brushed their fingers together.
“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
Willow slowly lifted her gaze to Tara’s.
“I’m…scared.”
“I know,” Tara replied, softly, sympathetically, “I’m scared of my mom finding out too.”
Willow’s eyes closed briefly.
“I’m not just scared of my parents. I’m scared of…”
The world.It was too much to contemplate. She leaned against Tara’s chest and took comfort from her embrace. Nothing in the world made her feel the way Tara’s arms did. She could have been four years old again every time they closed around her.
“You smell like safety and home.”
Tara’s hand smoothed out the back of Willow’s hair; fingers curling the ends affectionately. She smiled.
“I think it’s just baby powder.”
Tara felt Willow’s answering smile against her neck.
“No, it’s you.”
Tara picked up the cupcake from beside her and dabbed the frosting against Willow’s nose.
“Now you smell sweet too.”
Willow giggled and tried to retaliate, but Tara twisted away and stuffed the whole thing in her mouth, leaving just the case.
“Hey, none for me,” Willow pouted.
She crumpled the paper wrapping sadly.
“You think I could get in on your mom’s church pies this Sunday instead?” she asked hopefully, “My dad won’t flip his lid if I leave out the church part.”
Tara finally swallowed the mass of cake in her mouth and wiped at her lips.
“Yes, but you’ll have to come to the nursing home. She’s bringing them there afterward and Nate and I are going to play for the residents.”
Willow nodded eagerly.
“I love to watch you play.”
Tara lay back and drew circles on one of Willow’s hands.
“I love…” she started, eyes looking up through her lashes, “To do a lot of things with you.”
Willow could see specks of frosting left behind on Tara’s lips and, well, she had missed out on a taste. She climbed up alongside Tara and rested her head on the pillow alongside her. Her eyes glanced between Tara’s eyes and lips before she finally pressed her mouth against Tara’s.
She sucked Tara’s bottom lip softly, remembering how she’d learned to do this; remembering the first press of their innocent, awkward lips together and how she got a strange feeling in her stomach and nothing had ever quite been the same ever again.
How she’d tried to Resolve Face herself into Definitely Not Wanting This and yet had taken this position each and every time it was offered to her.
She wasn’t an addict, she could quit at any time. But since she was definitely In Control, she may as well enjoy it.
Her fingers touched Tara’s jaw and upon its natural responsive movement, she teased her tongue into Tara’s mouth.
It was just too easy to get lost in a Tara-kiss.
Tara lived for these moments because Willow’s kiss was when Tara knew Willow’s heart was right there with her.
They kissed until their position lying down so close together was becoming precarious and then suddenly Tara’s door handle slammed down sharply and the door heaved.
Willow gasped audibly, her heart suddenly pounding as she anticipated the door opening.
“It’s okay, it’s locked,” Tara reassured quietly as she slid down the end of the bed to stand.
She fixed her clothes and hair and looked back to Willow for confirmation she looked presentable. Willow looked stunned but managed to nod.
Tara unlocked the door and jerked it open, frowning when she saw it was Donny on the other side.
“What?”
“Why is your door locked?” Donny asked suspiciously.
“Because you just barge in all the time,” Tara retorted, gesturing indicatively.
Donny sneered at her.
“You know you’re 18 now, maybe you’ll finally stop acting like a little princess.”
Tara looked down and spoke quietly.
“I don’t know why you hate me.”
“Because you’re—”
Kimberly appeared, coming up the stairs with a weary look on her face.
“Could we get a break from this for one day?” she requested them both, then focused her gaze on Donny, “It’s your sister’s birthday.”
Donny stormed off, flipping them the bird on the way.
“It’s always her something,” he muttered before his door slamming reverberated throughout the whole upper level of the house.
Kimberly massaged her temples for a moment and took a steady breath. She hated to think he had his father’s temper. She really hoped her nurture won out on his nature, but Donny was a very angry man and truthfully Kimberly was a bit afraid of how far she could push him.
She looked back to Tara and placed a hand on each shoulder, looking at her daughter and wondering how she got to be in this position; Tara was a little girl singing into a plastic microphone only yesterday, or so it seemed.
“Happy Birthday, my darling,” she said, kissing Tara squarely on the forehead, “I’m so sorry I couldn’t be here when you woke up. Have you had a good day?”
Tara smiled and nodded.
“Nate and I got to write, and I got the job.”
Kimberly cupped Tara’s face in her hands.
“Oh honey, I’m glad. I know you were worried about starting to save again.”
“Yeah, I’m really happy. I should be doing pretty well by the summer,” Tara replied, pleased, “I should get good tips too.”
Willow appeared in the doorway, pulling awkwardly at the ends of her sleeves.
“Um, I’m gonna go.”
“Oh Willow, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were here,” Kimberly said, offering a smile.
“She came over to say Happy Birthday,” Tara covered quickly, “And um, she was going to tag along on Sunday if that’s okay.”
“Of course,” Kimberly nodded, “We’d love to have you.”
Willow nodded and caught Tara’s gaze.
“Happy Birthday, Tara,” she said for Kimberly’s sake, her eyes sending the true message.
“Thank you,” Tara replied in much the same way, “I’ll text you later.”
Willow smiled, waved with her fingers and went down the stairs and out the door. Kimberly put her arm around Tara’s shoulders and brought her in the same direction, veering off into the living room.
“You know your main gift will be presented later,” she said, almost skipping over to the coffee table where something large and bulky was covered with sheets of wrapping paper, awkwardly stuck down in places, “But I had to mark my little girl’s journey into adulthood.”
“Mom,” Tara chided gently.
“Just open it,” Kimberly replied giddily.
Tara wasn’t sure the best way to unwrap the object, so tore from the middle down until it was sitting in a pool of its own wrapping.
“It’s second hand, but it works a charm,” Kimberly said, a hint of nervousness in her voice.
Tara’s eyes move from awe to joy to delight in the space of a few seconds. She turned and threw her arms around her mother.
“Thank you so much!”
Kimberly returned the hug, a little tighter than normal. It had meant a few extra night shifts to cover the cost of a decent sewing machine for Tara, but that hug made it all worth it. She kissed the top of her daughter’s head.
“No more staying up until 2 am with that little needle and thread.”
Tara pulled back and looked at her mother cynically.
“You can’t tell me what to do, I’m 18 now.”
Kimberly shook her head, pained; some real, some exaggerated.
“Don’t you start that too or I’ll call you my little girl in front of your friends.”
Tara tucked her head under Kimberly’s chin.
“Don’t worry, I’m never going to be like
him.”
Her eyes threw themselves upward and though Kimberly couldn't see it, she knew who that inflection belonged to.
“You were great pals when you were babies, you know. Everything changed when we…moved.”
“It’s not my fault Dad ran out on us,” Tara replied, exhaling sharply through her nose, “He can’t blame me.”
Kimberly patted Tara’s back twice and released her.
“Let’s not darken this day. I came home at lunch and made your cake, did you see it?”
Tara shook her head and followed her mother into the kitchen, her only concern now about how quickly she could put together some new band shirts.
“You didn’t have to wear a shirt.”
Willow ran her fingers over the lettering on the front of the shirt, spelling out ‘Insect Reflection’ with an image of a beady-eyed ant looking in the mirror.
“I like it. I get to be your groupie.”
Tara’s hand slid across the wall they were sitting on to cover Willow’s hand.
“You’re much more than that.”
Willow quickly lifted her hand and scratched the side of her nose.
“You, um, did a really good job. I love the eyes.”
“Thanks, I had fun,” Tara replied, taking her hand back from the encounter and running it along the side of her saxophone case, sitting between her legs, “Of course now I’m the go-to for fixing socks and stuff too. I drew the line at Donny’s underwear.”
Willow’s face scrunched up and Tara nodded.
“Yeah, exactly.”
Tara’s phone buzzed in her pocket and she took it out to read the text.
“My mom got held up, are you okay if we bike it?”
Willow glanced down at the case between Tara’s knees.
“Will your sax be okay?”
“Yeah, it’ll fit on the rack,” Tara said, jumping down from the wall and hiking her case over her shoulder.
Willow planted her feet on the ground and together they walked over to Willow’s driveway. Tara kept her bike there too, just to make it a little more difficult for Donny to interfere with it.
Tara secured her case to the back of her bike and they set off together. It was only a couple of miles to the care home Kimberly was a nurse at, and on a Sunday morning, the roads were pretty clear.
It was a bright day and a beautiful ride passing through the autumnal landscape of the Sunnydale country roads. The trees were still in their twilight of being fully dressed with their changing-color leaves thick on their branches.
The sun was shining, and Willow knew this primarily because of how the shine caught Tara’s face.
Tara would look up when they hit a sunny patch and let it radiate her face, casting a glow on her honey-colored hair. She looked positively beautiful and Willow was awestruck.
The part of her brain that needed to be focusing on cycling was momentarily taken over, causing her to skid off the road and fall under her bike.
“Willow!”
“Yeah?” Willow asked dumbly, responding before she could even realize what had happened.
Tara abandoned her bike on the dirt and threw herself down beside Willow, tossing the bike off her.
“It’s okay, baby, don’t move.”
Willow realized she was on the ground when she felt the gravel grazing her palms.
“I’m okay…” she said, wincing as she pulled herself up on her elbows.
Tara checked Willow’s head, making sure she wasn’t bleeding.
“Did you go over on a rock?”
Willow looked up at Tara and found herself in the same predicament that had gotten her into this situation in the first place. She averted her gaze and hoped desperately her genetic predisposition to blushing was not giving her away this time.
“Heh, yeah, must have.”
“Should I call an ambulance?” Tara asked with concern.
Willow shook her head definitively.
“No way, I’m fine. I want to see you play.”
She glanced at her shoulder, where there was a small rip in the fabric of her t-shirt. She smiled softly at Tara.
“Makes it look cooler.”
Tara returned the smile and briefly brushed some hair away from Willow’s brow. She was careful not to linger so as not to make Willow uncomfortable, but to her surprise, Willow leaned in and hugged her.
“You’re okay,” Tara reassured in her ear, “I’ll get my mom to look you over when we get there.”
Willow just nodded and let Tara help her up and brush herself off.
“Let’s walk the rest of the way,” Tara suggested, hoisting her bike up to wheel alongside her, “Are you okay to walk? It’s not far from here.”
“I can walk,” Willow confirmed, “Really, I’m fine. I’m pretty used to falling over.”
Tara aimed a wistful smile at the ground as they set off along the side of the road, on foot.
“Remember when we did Yabba and Dabba Doo Superheroes and you tripped over your cape?”
“You mean the pillowcase I stuck in the back of my shirt?” Willow asked incredulously, “I ended up inside the thing!”
They laughed together and Willow kept her gaze on Tara for a few moments, thinking about all of the time they’d spent together; all of the experiences they’d shared.
“When did you know?” she semi-blurted, the words coming out as her mind wondered.
Tara didn’t pretend she didn’t know what Willow was talking about. She pushed her bike in silence for a moment.
“That’s a multi-layered question.”
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” Willow replied quickly.
Tara just shook her head and didn’t rush her response.
“I always knew I never liked boys the way other people liked boys,” she answered finally, smiling almost sadly, “I would get jealous when you talked about Xander and for a long time I thought that was because I was jealous that you had a boy you liked and could talk about and be normal.”
Willow looked down guiltily but Tara was still speaking and didn’t notice.
“I spoke to some people online, the ones without depressing spelling. They recommended some… relevant media to watch, and I did.”
Willow looked up with wide eyes.
“Like…porn?”
Tara could only laugh.
“No, like movies and TV shows and stuff.”
Willow seemed relieved and embarrassed all at once, but Tara didn’t let her off the hook.
“The porn out there is not…good.”
The grip Willow had on the handlebar tightened as she tried desperately not to imagine Tara watching porn, or more specifically what she might be doing while watching it. That was a ‘no, no’ thought if ever there was one.
Thankfully Tara seemed to think she’d tortured her enough and continued her story.
“I watched what I could…at first it seemed overwhelming but it was good because the people ‘in the know’ told me what was a good portrayal or a bad portrayal…gave me a narrowed-down list to watch and see what I thought.”
Willow turned her head, noting how lightly Tara talked about what for her held her heart so heavily.
“And what did you think?”
Tara smiled and that sun betrayed Willow again, cursing her with falling in love.
“I thought it was like opening my eyes after being underwater. It gave me a picture of what my life could be like and I realized it fit the way I felt myself being happiest. I…recognized myself.”
Willow stared pensively at her feet for several moments.
“I don't know who I am,” she said finally, so soft only Tara and the trees could hear, “I only know who everyone else wants me to be.”
Tara placed her palm under Willow’s shoulder blade so she would look up.
“I just want you to be happy,” she said as their gazes met, “And that’s how I knew I liked you. Because I wanted you to be happy even if it broke my heart.”
Willow’s heart began to thud and staring into Tara’s eyes seemed like the only important thing in the world at that moment.
I recognized myself.“Hey!”
Willow felt like she was pulled from a dream as a male voice broke their silence with the sound of tires screeching.
Nate had pedaled past them and spun around on a brake to face them. His guitar case was strapped over his chest and held on his back and he was greeting them with a pleasant smile, oblivious to the moment he’d interrupted.
“Why aren’t you riding?”
Willow began to shrink in on herself but Tara took the heat.
“My chain was getting stuck.”
“Want me to take a look?” Nate asked, and Tara quickly shook her head.
“I can fix it later. We better get to the home.”
The three of them picked up the pace and made it to the elderly care home in just a few minutes. Willow went to the bathroom when they arrived, needing a moment after the unexpectedly deep conversation of their journey. Tara went to set up with Nate but jumped down when she saw her mother bring in a stack of pies into the rec room they were set to play in.
“Hello, sweetheart,” Kimberly greeted, “Sorry I couldn’t collect you guys.”
“It’s fine,” Tara replied easily, “But, um, Willow fell off her bike on the way, could you check her out? Discreetly?”
Kimberly nodded knowingly and Tara returned to the two stools that essentially made the ‘stage’ for them. There was no AV equipment or anything to set up like when they played clubs or events but Nate was always professional and liked to make sure everything was perfect no matter the audience so it was always a little while until they were ready to play. Tara busied readying her mouthpiece while Nate checked the tuning of his guitar.
Kimberly spotted Willow come through and hang back in the doorway. She caught her eye. She motioned for Willow to come over and led her back to a private treatment room.
“Do you need some help with something?” Willow asked, hands in her pockets but genuinely offering.
Kimberly tapped the examination table.
“Sit up.”
Willow just nodded and sat up. Kimberly went through a few cognitive tests and checked her over for bruising or tenderness.
“What happened? Did the sun blind you?”
“Something like that,” Willow replied absently.
Kimberly took her gloves off and tossed them.
“I think a bruised ego more than anything else, hmm?”
Willow blushed.
“Yeah, I think so.”
“I’m betting nothing a slice of peach cobbler can’t cure,” Kimberly replied with a wink, then ran her thumb over the rip in the shoulder of her t-shirt, “You’ll have to get Tara to fix this.”
“No way, it’s punk Ms. Maclay,” Willow said with a grin.
Kimberly laughed.
“I thought punk was in my day,” she said, shaking her head to herself, “Punk was how I got pregnant. Take every precaution.”
Willow pressed her hands into the table to give her the leverage to jump down.
“Not on my radar.”
The sound of a few guitar strings floated down the corridor.
“Sounds like they’re starting,” Kimberly said, opening the door for Willow.
“Thanks, Ms. Maclay,” Willow answered politely, “Can I help you serve the pies?”
“I’d appreciate that,” Kimberly smiled, “And I’ll make sure to save a big slice for you.”
They walked back into the recreation room and behind the little table where Kimberly had left the pies. She began slicing them and Willow would put them on a paper plate and bring them around to the residents watching Tara and Nate play.
Willow liked to sneak a peek whenever she could too. Tara was always so graceful on the sax and the songs they sang for this crowd were always so soft and ethereal.
Give Tara another one of those sun halos and Willow would easily believe she was an angel incarnate.
Nate started to strum some Elvis and it was a joyful sight when some of the residents got up to slow (very slow) dance together.
Willow watched Tara carry the tune to the room, smiling at Nate as he accompanied her.
“But I can’t help, falling in love with you…”Nate harmonized and it felt like a punch in the gut for Willow. She’d always loved listening to Elvis and heard that song often. But now she paired it to her situation and couldn’t feel the same rush the song was meant to impart. She wished desperately to be able to help falling in love.
It was intimate to watch them together like that, to watch them open to each other and allow themselves to create together. Their connection was so raw and public and everything Willow never allowed herself to give in to.
She was surprised at the intensity by which the jealousy hit her.
And then Tara found her in the crowd and smiled, and it was a smile just for her. It punched her gut in another way that was even more intense and scarier. She was often so busy worrying about what everyone else would think if they knew, she didn’t see their connection pummeling her so powerfully.
She had to look away and scooted around the room with her head down, collecting paper plates before excusing herself to the bathroom again. There had been so much face-splashing lately, she thought she might wash away entirely. At least then she wouldn’t have so much inner turmoil twisting her up inside.
She sat on the steps at the front door for a long stretch of time before she saw someone sit beside her.
“There you are,” Tara smiled and again Willow felt her belly jump.
It was amazing how the absence of people suddenly made her bodily reactions feel good.
“You okay?”
Willow could only nod silently, but Tara’s face remained sympathetic.
“Does this place remind you of your Bubbe and Zayde?”
Willow neither confirmed nor denied, so Tara assumed and gave her a hug.
Willow closed it and the sun bathed them together.
And how could any of this be wrong when it felt so, so right?
They stood together when Nate came out, guitar on his back and hopped onto his bike.
“Great set, Tare, see you at school!”
“Bye,” Tara called after him as he sped away, “Mom said we can put our bikes on the car and get a ride with her.”
“Great,” Willow agreed and they went to wait at the car.
Kimberly came out and they loaded up and set off for home. Tara sat in the back with her sax and Willow took the front with Tara’s mother.
“That Nathanial boy grows more every time I see him,” Kimberly commented airily as they drove, “He’s very nice. Sweet. He always looks so thoughtful. And a great musician to boot.”
“You’re worse than the grandmothers in the home,” Tara replied wryly.
“I’m just saying, he’s nice,” Kimberly replied with a single definitive nod, catching Tara’s eye in the rearview mirror, “A lot nicer than the boys I was dating at your age.”
“You had two kids at my age,” Tara shot back.
“I’m aware,” Kimberly replied with a sigh, “I’ve been very pleased that you’ve chosen to focus on your music instead of boys during high school. But if you like—”
“I don’t,” Tara interjected quickly and sternly.
“Okay, okay,” Kimberly replied defensively, putting up two fingers on the wheel in place of her hands, “What about you Willow? Or do you already have a new guy?”
Willow looked immediately caught out.
“No. No new…guy,” she said with a nervous chuckle, “I’m um, focusing on getting into a good college.”
Kimberly’s eyebrow arched.
“I guess there’s no convincing my girl of the same?”
Willow very briefly glanced to the back seat.
“I’ve never known Tara not to know her own mind.”
Kimberly smiled at her.
“That is very true, Willow, and I wouldn’t have her any other way.”
“I’d have her lots of ways,” Willow replied automatically, which was immediately followed with a sharp inhalation of breath, “I-I mean, I, i—I would, I would have her any way she is because she’s Tara, she’s always been Tara, always been there so yes, however she um, is, is what I will have. Yes.”
Kimberly just nodded and Willow used the mirror to look into the backseat.
Tara winked and Willow flushed to the very root of her being.
Stop, she thought,
stop, stop, stop.
With a heavy heart, she looked out the window sadly.
The full trees didn’t seem quite as beautiful as before, but deceptive.
The leaves would die, it was what they were supposed to do, and nothing she could do would stop it.
She closed her eyes so the tear threatening to fall wouldn’t, remembering that one aching line that her brain had turned so bitter.
But I can’t help falling in love with you…