Liester: Sent you the Word Files. Looking forward to how you like it in chapters.
Will's Redemption: Great to see that you are reading. I guess I can create an epilogue. Thanks for commenting. It makes me feel like I am sharing this story with people rather than just doing it for my own entertainment.
I am thinking that I will most likely finish this story this weekend. It is a bittersweet experience. I have been writing, and thinking about writing this story for 10 years. Many nights I have put myself to sleep trying to figure how I am going to get to the ending that I've had planned for probably most of those 10 years. I think that I am going to miss this story when it is done. However, I've already got another story in me, so it may be an easier transition. People who can feedback, do you want the story in one big "plop", or do you like the cliffhangers and every other day posts? Thanks to all of you for reading.
Title: Meeting Expectations
Author: TaranWillow4Ever
Rating: PG-R
Disclaimer: Josh owns all of the characters, I just imagine other lives for them.
Spoilers: None
Feedback:
Please Thoughts in italics.
Note: This story contains elements of abuse - physical and emotional, that are either eluded to if not outright described. If anything of this sort bothers you, then please do not read this story. This chapter does have a paragraph that might be triggering. Warnings are present.
Rubber Hits the Road (continued)
Willow
Willow saw that Joyce and Tara were sitting on the porch as she walked home from the bus stop. She walked up to them and commented, “You guys look beat. What were you doing this morning. If I’d know that there was work that needed to be done, I could have helped you instead of going to school.”
“It wasn’t really a planned activity. I woke up and saw what a nice day it was, so I decided to get some yard work done. Tara must have heard me rummaging around the garage because she came down and offered to help.”
“You got your lesson plans done that quick?” asked Willow.
“I really didn’t have any that had to be done, I was just going to work ahead while you were at school. But then I heard Joyce and volunteered to help.”
“One of the reasons that I was doing it is I’d like the backyard to be pretty for your graduation. Do you think you’d like to have a graduation party?”
“I hadn’t really thought about it. I wasn’t even sure I was going to go to the ceremony. It’s not like I really went to Stanford that much. I feel like this is just a pause on the way to my Ph.D.; it’s really not that important.”
“Any graduation is important. You worked hard at all of the different colleges to make sure that you got this degree. You persevered; you met your goal of a BA by 18. That is something to celebrate,” asserted Joyce.
“I just can’t stop thinking about my high school graduation and how my parents took it over and made it all about them rather than me. I know that it can’t happen again. They don’t even know where I am. But the idea of graduation has been tarnished by that memory.”
“It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It could just be a few friends.”
“You could invite Nate and Jody. I really liked when we hung with them a few weeks ago, and they aren’t graduating right?
“Yeah, they are taking summer classes so they will still be around. I guess I could invite the people from my lab too. It’s a good excuse for a party I guess.”
“Tara and I were talking about what to plant. We were talking about doing some of it with flowers, definitely California poppies and other native plants, but Tara thought that maybe we should do some herbs too. She suggested lavender, mint, and thyme.”
“Maybe some oregano, rosemary, and definitely basil. It would be so cool to make homemade pesto. Maybe some salad greens too.” Willow got excited. “It would be so neat to have a pretty, useful garden. Might give me an excuse to spend time outdoors.” Willow looked down at herself, “I’ve seen corpse that were less white. Tara did you use sunscreen, your face looks kind of red?”
“Joyce made me put some on, I guess I am just flushed from the work and seeing my favorite girl…I mean woman.”
“You can call me your girl if you want. I am only 18.”
“Speaking of spending time outside. I thought we could go on an adventure to San Francisco tomorrow?” stated Tara.
“Where?” asked Willow squealing a little bit, “Tara Willow adventures.”
“It will be a surprise. But we can’t forget sunscreen. We might be outside a bunch.”
“Sunscreen and a hat. What else do we need?”
“I’ll take care of it.”
“Is there more work that needs to be done? I could go put on some work clothes,” asked Willow.
“We thought that we’d go to the store and buy some of the flowers and herbs. You want to come along?” stated Joyce.
“Sure, just let me go change out of these clothes. I’ll be down in a few.” Willow got up and walked into the house.”
After Willow was out of earshot. Joyce asked, “So what do you have planned? Do you want to borrow the car? I don’t have any plans.”
“I don’t want to put you out. We can take the bus.”
“I wouldn’t be put out. Doesn’t the bus take twice the amount of time that driving does?”
“I guess. After you were telling me about the stuff that you and Willow liked to do, I thought about taking her to the aquarium and to look at the sea lions.”
“She will love it.”
*****
“So where we going, where we going?” said Willow as she bounced on the couch. “Tell me, Please.” Willow gave Tara her best puppy dog face.
“It’s more fun if it is a secret. Just trust me. You will like it.”
“I’d like anything we did together, so I know that I will like it. Willow and Tara adventure time. We haven’t been able to have many adventures have we?”
“I think just being together is an adventure. Sometimes It amazes me that we kept in touch; that we found each other again. I am so glad that you thought about those email accounts. I was surprised to find all of those emails in my box. The last one made me sad though, I was almost positive that I had lost you.”
“Your email came at the totally perfect time. Actually, the day before would have been better, but still its timing made me know that you and I were destined to be together. It had to be a goddess thing.”
“Really?”
“Yup.” Willow looked away, feeling guilty about what she’d almost done that night.
“What is the matter?” asked Tara noticing the change in her girlfriend’s demeanor.
“We, we never talked about some of the stuff that went on during that period of time that I was sure that you moved on.”
“Yeah, it’s kind of that time that is not to be spoken of. Do you want to speak of it?”
“Not really, do you want to speak of it? I’ll tell you, but if you’d like for it to be not spoken of, I’m all in for it.”
“Well, now that it is brought up, I can’t not hear about it, I can’t not wonder. I think that my imagination might make it worse than it actually is…”
“Did you date anyone when we were apart?” asked Willow.
“I don’t think that answer is going to make you feel better,” confessed Tara.
“You did.” Willow blanched. “I opened the can of worms, it’s my fault. What was she or he like.”
“If it had happened, it would definitely have been a she, totally gay, always been gay, always will be gay. However, nobody could stand up to the memory of you. So, no dating. I never had a period of time that I thought you were gone. I emailed you and within 24 hours I got a response. Sure there was that brief time before you figured out to use the campus computers, but no I knew that you still cared.”
“I am sure you had opportunities, beautiful goddess that you are…”
“Thanks, I think you are biased, but I don’t think I gave out that available vibe. Now hit on by guys, a good number of them, especially when I was working. But I don’t remember being hit on by any women. I’ve only had eyes for one woman. The one in front of me.”
Willow gulped, “You are so much better than me, so much stronger than me…”
“I don’t really want to hear it, but I think you want to get it off your chest. Did you have sex with someone else.”
“No.” said Willow much louder than she meant to. “No sex, Willow has not had consensual sex with anyone, you know my past, confusing as it is, but no.”
“So, what do you feel guilty about?”
“I didn’t think that I would ever see you again. I was lonely, I was yielding to peer pressure. Everyone around me had a boyfriend. I dated Jaye.
Tara gulped, “You dated a guy?”
“No, no, Jaye with a “e”, totally girl. I am as gay as you, always have been, always will be, 100% lesbian, 6 on the Kinsey Scale. Breast gal, that’s me.”
“You are saying that you’ve been feeling guilty because you dated someone when you were 15, after not hearing from me for a year and a half?”
“Yes.”
“Do I want to know what dating was?” inquired Tara.
“Mostly kissing, a little fooling around. But when she got kind of persistent, after I agreed to go to her house, I realized that you were the one and only for me and I bolted.”
“Um, Willow she had a house?”
“Yeah, it was her parent’s house, but she was kinda older than me. I met her in my college class. She didn’t really know how old I was.”
“What is it with you and lying about your age?”
“I’ve been WAY younger than everyone in my class since middle school. It got worse as I accelerated and was in college classes at 15. Not an excuse, I know. I guess I have a thing for older women?” she poked her foot at Tara. “Honestly, it was really similar to the Carly stuff, Jaye really went off on me when I called a halt to it. I rushed home and there was your email…and then, stupid exuberance, my house mother got wind of our emails and had to ask my parents, and they said ‘no’, so no more getting to email Tara.”
“I remember, I thought that I had said something wrong in my email.”
“That was hell, knowing that I could email you and not being able to do it. I don’t know why it took me so long to think about using the library.” Willow knocked on her head, “really smart, but not always the best common sense.”
“Well, it all worked out. The past is the past, can’t do anything about it. We are here now, and we are together, and we will eventually…” Tara raised her eyebrows.
Willow yawned, “When do we have to get up, when does the adventure start?”
“When we wake up sweetie, it is not a time sensitive adventure.”
“Ok, so snuggle time?”
“Definitely snuggle time.” Tara and Willow went into the bedroom and assumed their usual spooning positions. Tara snaked her hand under Willow’s tee-shirt.
That feels so good. I want to be touched by Tara, I like how it feels, I want to be close, I want to be intimate, why do I feel so anxious when she touches me. Why did I panic when we went to sleep without our shirts on. Why am I so uncomfortable? Willow blurted out “I need to get more comfortable in my body.”
Tara pulled away a little, “That felt totally random, but tell me more…”
“Sorry, there is a lot of Willowbabble going on inside my head.”
“I could tell, you were really tensed up. I was hoping some of my chill would rub off on you. This is my favorite part of the day. I like our cuddle time. I like being in bed with you.”
“I like being in bed with you too.” Willow moved closer and gave Tara a kiss.
After a few minutes of kissing, Tara pulled away. “I think that what you said a few minutes is important.”
“That there is a lot of Willowbabble going on in my head?”
“No, the other thing. Your realization that you need to be more comfortable with your body.”
“I hoped you forgot.”
“Willow, I may not be as smart as you, but I can remember five minutes ago. Your kisses are great, but they don’t totally take my memory away.”
“You’re smart.”
“Willow,” said Tara somewhat sternly.
“I just blurted it out, I don’t know what I meant. It feels relevant, but I don’t know what exactly it meant.”
“Ok, let’s look at it. What were you thinking about when the thought came into your mind?”
“I was thinking that I liked how your hand felt on my stomach, but then I started thinking about how panicked I felt last night when I didn’t have a shirt on, how vulnerable I felt. I don’t really like not having clothes on. I don’t like being naked, that’s why I shower really quickly, I feel exposed, like something bad is going to happen and I’ll be hurt…But I liked feeling your body against my body, skin to skin last night. You are so soft and warm. Ugh. What is wrong with me Tara?”
“Nothing is wrong with you sweetie, I liked how it felt too, all soft and cozy; but if you are uncomfortable, you shouldn’t do it.”
“I think it might have something to do with when I wake up. I feel fine as I fall asleep, but when I wake up, I panic.”
“It sounds like something trauma related. I for a long time needed to wear lots of clothes to bed. I used to think that maybe the clothes would deter my father or brother. It didn’t, but I felt safer. Before you came here, I had even gotten comfortable enough to sometimes sleep without clothes. It can be a really sensual experience.”
Willow gulped, the vision of a naked Tara experiencing a ‘sensual experience’ going through her head.
she just talked about her trauma, focus Rosenberg, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up your trauma stuff.”
“Sweetie, my trauma stuff is going to periodically come up, probably for the rest of my life. But it is losing some of its power. I don’t have nightmares the way I used to. Especially since we started sleeping together. I think when I with you I feel the safest I ever have. I would like to help you feel that way too.”
TRIGGER WARNING START
“I feel safe almost all the time with you. It’s just the waking up thing.” Willow started to think. A memory flashed into her mind; it is like a scene from a movie and she is outside herself. She sees 12 year-old Willow, in a hotel room. She wakes up and sees that she is naked. Her clothes flung beside the bed. “I…I…I think I remember…you’re right. Willow stood up and started pacing in the bedroom. “12 year old Willow, waking up in a hotel room, naked and alone. I didn’t remember what happened. I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t have any clothes on. I felt scared. I didn’t know what happened. I didn’t remember anything… I put my pajama’s back on. I fell back to sleep; it was a weird sleep. When I woke up in the morning, I didn’t have my pajamas on again. I looked over in the other bed. Carly was asleep, she didn’t have any clothes on either...I don’t think that the last time was the only time she drugged me. She must have done it another time… I was so stupid. How could I not have known. How could I have let that happen.”
TRIGGER STOP
Tara got up and stood next to Willow. “You didn’t let it happen. You didn’t have control of it. She took advantage of you. It’s ok. You’re not there anymore.”
“I still feel so stupid.”
“You are the smartest person I know Willow. You were a kid. She was an adult. It was her fault. I will tell you this 10,000 times if you need me to. It was not your fault.”
“Why is all this stuff coming up again?”
“I don’t know. Maybe your therapist triggered something, maybe it is because we are getting closer, trusting each other more. Maybe it was going to the funeral. I don’t know. I know that you don’t think this is a good thing. But I do. I think you are dealing with some of your trauma so you can move on.”
“I don’t like it.”
“I know, sweetie, I know. It’s sort of like taking bitter medicine. It tastes yucky, but eventually you feel better.”
“When am I going to feel better?”
“I don’t know, soon… hopefully soon.” Tara enveloped her in a hug. Willow melted into it, but after a minute, Willow asked, “So where are we going tomorrow?”
Tara
“When am I going to feel better?” asked Willow.
Tara hugged her. She could feel Willow melting into her. But just as quickly as the melting occurred, Tara could feel Willow wrapping herself up again. Pushing her feelings down and bringing her brain back on-line.
I wish she could just stay in the feeling, experience it, get through it. Not that I want her to feel bad, I just want these demons to go away. I want her to be happy. “So where are we going tomorrow.”
“You will see tomorrow. Let’s go to bed and tomorrow will come.
***
“How did you know that this was something I liked?” Tara and Willow were sitting on a bench watching the sea lions on the docks.
“Joyce and I were talking about some of the places she used to take you, and she mentioned that you could spend hours watching the sea lions.
I remember, and she had the patience to just sit and let me watch. My parents never were patient. Everything was hurry, hurry, hurry.
Willow began narrating what she thought the sea lions were saying to each other. “Hey Mo, what do you think about the people watching us?” “I’m not sure, there is a beautiful blond on one of the benches. Let’s show her what we can do.” “Hey Mo, can you watch the baby a bit. I want to get a fish.” Sure Shirley, I’ll try to keep the little tyke from following you. You’re a good mother Shirley.” “Thanks Mo.” Willow paused her running commentary. “Tare, you ever wonder why most animals are good mothers? But humans sometimes suck at it.”
“I haven’t really thought about it…but thinking of mothers makes me really miss my mom. It’s almost Mother’s Day, I’ve hated Mother’s Day since she died. I usually just want to stay in bed all day. But Mother’s Day crafts are a big deal at work of course. I need to remember that Spencer has two moms. He will need to make two crafts. I’ll have to give him some extra time. I don’t want the poor kid to have to choose which mom to give a present to.”
“You are such a good teacher. I’m really sorry that my graduation is on Mother’s Day. You don’t have to come if you don’t want. I can just stay home with you.”
“Willow Rosenberg, you are going to your graduation. I am going to your graduation. Joyce and I are going to clap the loudest of anyone. You’ve done it.”
“It really isn’t that big of a deal.”
They sat watching the people and the sea lions. After a bit, Willow asked, “Tare, can I ask you a question based on something you said a while ago?”
“I guess so”
what is she going to ask? “You said that a lot of feelings about your Mom have been coming up since your father’s death. Like what. I realize that we’ve been talking a lot about my feelings, but not a lot about yours.”
“Just the sadness about her death and illness. It was really hard watching her health decline and my father not even seeming to care. He expected her to keep up the house and take care of him when she could barely take care of herself. I would try so hard to help her, but I was only 8, and I had to go to school.”
“I am sure that you did the best that you could… It must have been really hard…”
“She was the most important person to me. She was my anchor. I loved her so much, and it was so hard to watch her die.”
“Were you there when it happened?”
“No, Daddy took Donny and I to visit when the end was getting near, but it was just him and Mama when she passed.”
“Who was taking care of you?” Willow took Tara’s hand.
“Some women from the church. They kept talking about Mama going to heaven. Mama didn’t really believe in heaven, so it was really confusing. Mama had told me that she believed that we went back to the earth from which we were created, that death was just part of life. I didn’t argue with the ladies, I just kept to myself. I knew that she was dead when Daddy came home. He looked so broken. I guess that he did love her in his own way. I figure now, that he just didn’t know how to deal with his own grief, so of course he couldn’t deal with mine or Donny’s . If I’d try to talk about it, he’d get mad. It didn’t take too many incidents for me to just stop. I’d learned to stop my feelings already. It was good practice to learn to go to leave my body.”
“Does that still happen a lot?”
“What?”
“Do you still leave your body a lot? There was a girl in my treatment program that would talk about her disassociation. She said that she’d ‘lose time’. I kind of seemed like a useful skill to have, but she always said that it wasn’t as good as it seemed.”
“No, it usually isn’t. I never ‘lost time’, it usually was just feeling like I was hovering over, like I was watching things happen to someone else; but I knew it was me. I don’t do it close to as much as I used to. My therapist from my program taught me grounding exercises and I try to use them when I feel like I am trying to ‘check out’. It only really happens when I get really stressed out.”
“Do I make you need to leave your body?” asked Willow.
“It’s happened a few times, but I remind myself that I WANT to feel my feelings when I am with you, so I try to concentrate on something and anchor myself in the present. I was in the disassociation zone during most of the funeral, and some of the trip to Bishop.”
“I could tell, you get sort of a far away look on in your eyes and you are even quieter than usual. What can I do in those situations? Is there something I can do to help?”
“I guess just point it out to me, like I point out when you are ‘going into your head’, or just be there for when I come back.”
“Have I told you today that I love you?”
Tara smiled, “Yup, a few times. I love you too.”
***
After spending a good amount of time watching the sea lions. Tara and Willow walked around the wharf and window shopped. After sharing a bread bowl and some Ghirardelli chocolate, they went into a little bath and body shop.
“Do any of these smell good to you?” asked Tara pointing to a rack of bath salts and lotions. This could be a way for you to take care of yourself, work on your sensuality. Take some nice smelling baths, pamper yourself.”
Willow whispered into Tara’s ear, “Oh, you want me to work on my sensuality do ya.” Tara blushed.
“I think it is a good way to work on feeling better about yourself. I always feel better after taking a nice relaxing bath.”
“I’ve never really been into baths.”
“You should try it. Pick one or two bath bombs or salts. Give it a try. If you don’t like it after trying it a few times, then at least you’ll know.
“What smells good to you? It can’t be too flowery, my allergies won’t be able to take it.”
Tara walked over to a table with different types of lavender. “Lavender is supposed to help you be calm. It smells nice too.”
“If my girl likes the smell of lavender, this is definitely a good choice.” Willow picked up some of the bath salts.
“You should get some body lotion too. It’s another good experience.”
“Will you help me put it on?” whispered Willow suggestively.
Tara looked around to see if anyone was paying attention.
Two could play this game. “Oh, yeah. I’d love to…” Tara whispered back.
Tara could tell that Willow was getting ‘hot and bothered’, her face was beginning to match the shade of her hair. She picked up the bath salts that Willow had chosen and went to the counter.
“I can get that,” said Willow reaching into her pocket.
“I want to get it for you.”
“Ok. Is there anything that you want?”
“Nah, I’m good sweetie.”
“Yes, Yes you are,” replied Willow.
Willow
The semester was drawing to a close and Willow was getting ready for graduation. They had decided that they’d have a late lunch/early dinner party hopefully outside if the weather was nice. Willow was finishing up something in the lab when her advisor, Dr. Giles came by.
“I was given this by the Chemistry chair to give to you.” He handed Willow an ornate envelope. “They didn’t know your address, so I said that I’d just give it to you.”
“Do you know what it is?”
“I think so, but I am not sure.”
Willow opened the envelope. It was an invitation to the initiation ceremony for Phi Beta Kappa.
“That is what I thought, our Summa Cum Laude graduate is nominated for Phi Beta Kappa. How very Greek of her. Not to mention the youngest Physical Chemistry Mathematics Double major in the history of the department. You’ve done really well Willow. We are all very proud of you. Looking forward to meeting your girlfriend and your aunt. After all the pomp and circumstance of the graduation, it will be nice to go to a small party. It is going to be small, right?
“Yes sir.10-15 people.”
“That is a good size.”
“Well, I am looking forward to seeing you then. Congratulations again. Looking forward to you starting your graduate work in June. Don’t forget to enjoy the two week break. You’ve worked hard.”
“Thanks. See you Sunday.”
Willow left the lab and walked to the bus stop.
***
It was the day before Willow’s graduation, Willow was at the rehearsal for graduation. Tara and Joyce were prepping things for the party, before they were going to drive to campus for the ceremony. Joyce was doing the dishes and Tara was stuffing eggs when the phone rang.
“Let’s just have the answering machine get it. It can’t be anything important.”
The phone rang, the machine’s message played, then, “Hi Joyce, this is Sheila and Ira. Interesting enough, we just got into town. Did you know that Willow came back to Stanford? We got an invitation to the Phi Beta Kappa ceremony. Who would have known, well of course Willow had the grades for Phi Beta Kappa…This was so last minute, we were hoping that we could crash at your place. It doesn’t seem that there are any hotel rooms around, graduation and Mother’s Day you know. Well, see you later.
Tara and Joyce looked at each other, “Oh Shit,” they said simultaneously.