Author: Darkwillow6 (Ashley Riegel)
Rating: NC-17 (overall)
Summary: Willow seeks the help of a therapist to understand her past and generate a clearer picture of her future.
Title: Therapy
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"So, it's been what, eight years? Why am I still here? I haven't gone anywhere," Willow said, frustration dominating her tone.
"Maybe you don't have a clear idea of where you want to go. Don't you think you should start there?" Dr. Langdon asked.
The quiet, dimly lit room was conducive to the internal digging Willow found herself doing.
"Or maybe I don't want to go anywhere," Willow responded sitting back, defeated.
The room had various different types of seating options. There were high backed, padded chairs, there were cozy looking stuffed armchairs, there was the classic chaise lounge, and then there was the big leather couch where Willow always chose to sit. It was about 6 feet away from the armchair that Dr. Langdon occupied. She pulled the large throw pillow into her torso with both arms as she prepared for the response.
"That's interesting," she said, quickly scribbling some notes in her manila folder. She paused thoughtfully and pushed back her curly blondish-grey mane. "Does going somewhere scare you? Maybe because Tara won't be there?"
"I mean, that's a big part of it," Willow admitted.
"But she's not with you now, right? She's in another state. You haven't spoken to her in over four years. What are you expecting to happen?"
"There has to be a reason I can't forget about her, right? I mean, how long is it going to take?"
"Well, she was a very important part of your life. That's not just going to go away. And it shouldn't. But you can't stay living in that moment, either. You have to move past it somehow."
"That's why I'm here. I've tried. I've been trying," Willow said, looking up at the ceiling and letting out a long sigh.
"What do you think it is about her that's holding you back from moving on?"
"I don't know. Maybe this nagging feeling that there could still be a chance for us," Willow said.
Then, she paused to think about it some more until the silence in the room and Dr. Langdon's expectant gaze began to make her nervous.
"I mean, I know how that sounds. But we were so young then. And isn't this what life is all about? Understanding what makes you fulfilled and doing whatever you can to obtain it," Willow continued.
"So, you see her as something fulfilling? Something you need to obtain?" Dr. Langdon prodded.
"Well, I never felt unfulfilled with her. I was the one that screwed things up. I really hurt her. And all I want to do is say I'm sorry. And show her how much I mean it."
"But that doesn't mean she's going to take you back if you do," she replied pointedly.
"I know... But the possibility that she could has always been in the back of my mind."
"So it's been 8 years since you've been together, over four since you've talked... That seems like plenty of time to apologize."
"I don't know where she is," Willow replied simply. "And looking for her seems a bit on the stalker side."
"Where does that leave you, then? What's your plan?" Dr. Langdon asked.
"I don't really have one. I mean, if we're meant to be together, it will happen on its own, won't it? You know, fate?"
"It could. But it probably won't. Are you just going to wait and see for the rest of your life?"
"I guess I can't do that," Willow said, even less sure of what to do now than she had been at the start of her session.
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Once her hour was up, Willow spent the 10 minute drive home processing her conversation with Dr. Langdon. What should she do? Maybe she was relying too heavily on fate. But, like she said, she couldn't just look Tara up out of the blue and expect to rehash everything from the past. Especially after how things ended between them.
She'd talked to Buffy about her situation vaguely and in the typical "a friend of mine" scenario, but there was so much that was just easier to unload on a stranger. And there was the little matter of her not having come out to Buffy as of yet. When she first started seeing Tara, the omission ate away at her, but when they went their separate ways, there had been no need to bring it up. She hadn't dated since Tara and, if she was honest with herself, didn't really have any plans to do so any time soon.
And now, so much time had passed that she wasn't even sure how she would bring it up to Buffy. She sighed heavily as she pulled into her driveway and sat in her car for a minute, head planted against the headrest, before getting out and heading inside. The inside of her house was a testament to her singlehood. The fridge was devoid of anything resembling food despite her enviable income. Her house was spotless thanks to the woman she hired to come in once a week.
There were large paintings hung on nearly every wall and sculptures placed here and there. Willow chose this moment to enjoy her sunken living room. She slowly descended the three steps to her large, plush couch and fell onto it with another loud sigh. She booted up her laptop that had been readily waiting on the nearby coffee table and idly surfed the web, trying to keep herself entertained.
As she was scrolling through Facebook, she tentatively moved her cursor to the search bar. She thought for a second, then started to type in Tara's name. She hesitated for a moment when she got to the last name. And that was when her analytic mind went into overdrive.
What if she's married and her last name is different? Or what if she's seeing someone and she gets a friend request from her ex? How would that look? Even if she's single, she might hate me. She has every reason to. I guess I could just... look at her page. Not send a friend request. Just, you know, see how she's doing.
When she typed in Maclay and hit enter, her heart pounded wildly in her chest. Her excitement heightened when the first profile populated and she immediately recognized the face of the woman she'd been in love with for nearly over a decade. Her last name was still the same and that gave Willow some small hope that there could be a chance someday. Never mind the fact that she still felt crazy for thinking it.
One of the first things Willow noticed was that she no longer lived in Washington, which was where she moved after their unpleasant break up. She was living in Soluna now. It was two hours from Sunnydale. They'd been there before on vacation and had even talked about moving there someday because it seemed nice, laid back, and less full of things that go bump in the night. It was a great place to raise children, Tara had pointed out once. But Willow couldn't think about that conversation now.
Tara's proximity was like dangling a carrot in front of a hungry horse. But, of course, Willow had to shift into research mode for a while to make sure that Tara was unattached before planning her next move. She clicked the photos link to take her into Tara's albums and noticed that there weren't many there. Willow recognized most of the people in the photos as Tara's friends and classmates. There were a few here and there that she did not recognize, though.
Of those, she was pretty sure none of the men were a romantic interest so she focused on the women she didn't know. Her profile said that she was single, but Willow figured that it was highly possible that maybe Tara was seeing someone and it just wasn't "Facebook official" yet. Willow sighed and closed her laptop. She rested her head on the back of the couch and stared up at the vaulted ceiling.
Not only was she trying to decide if her little investigation constituted stalking, but she also had to fight the urge to drive to Soluna and "run into" Tara at one of her few check-ins. That would definitely be stalking. Just as she began to throw herself a world class pity party, Buffy called.
"Hey, Buff," Willow said, practically monotone.
"What's wrong, Will? What's got you all bad moody?"
"Nothing... I'm just... Did you want to hang out or something?"
"Yeah. If you're in the mood, that is," Buffy said, trying to read her best friend.
"You want me to come pick you up? I can be there in 10 minutes," Willow replied.
"See you then," Buffy replied, hanging up the phone.
The truth was, Willow wasn't really in the mood for much of anything, but she couldn't just sit around all day moping like she'd done on multiple occasions. Tara was just a fantasy at this point as Dr. Langdon didn't hesitate to point out. And Willow wasn't under the impression her therapist would have thought it was the best course of action to look Tara up. But it was just something she'd wanted to do so badly. Just to see her photo. To trace the curve of Tara's face with her gaze. To make her more real than she'd been in her mind all these years.
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When she got to Buffy's she texted her that she was outside. A moment later, the blonde appeared and entered the passenger side.
"So, where to?" Buffy asked as she got in.
"Espresso Pump?" Willow suggested.
"Oh. Something new. I like it," Buffy replied.
"No need to be sarcastic," Willow replied, accelerating. "If you want to go somewhere else..."
"I'm just messing with you, Will. Espresso Pump is fine," Buffy replied before giving Willow a sideways glance. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah," Willow replied simply.
Buffy was not convinced, but it was clear that Willow didn't want to talk about it. So, she figured she'd do what any best friend would do. She'd keep nagging her until she found out what was going on.
Once they arrived, they ordered their usual drinks and sat at their usual table by the window. Willow sipped slowly and stayed quiet. Buffy kept glancing at the redhead for any hint about what was going on in that busy brain. When she couldn't take it anymore, Buffy set down her mug with a hard tap on the table. She was careful that the hot liquid didn't slosh out and make a mess. The broken silence snapped Willow out of her daze and she focused her attention on the Slayer.
"I'm being a bad friend, aren't I?" Willow asked, her brows furrowing and a frown forming on her lips.
"Never," Buffy said, pausing before continuing. "But, if there's something you want to talk about, you know you can, right? Anything."
"Yeah. I just... I don't think I'm ready, Buff," Willow replied.
"Okay. I'm here when you are, though," Buffy assured her noticeably depressed friend.
"Thanks," Willow said, somewhat regretting going out.
She knew that Buffy could read her emotions efficiently and she was in no mood to get into details with Buffy now. Especially not here. The Espresso Pump held mainly good memories for her and she wanted to keep it that way. She loved Buffy and Buffy loved her, but she had no idea how she'd react to it all. Willow knew it was a lot. There wasn't just the coming out. She'd have to tell her how she and Tara were together for three years.
They had always talked about their relationships freely, but when Willow felt herself falling in love with Tara she had no idea what to do and felt that she couldn't tell Buffy about it. Then, when they officially became a couple, she knew she should definitely say something. But the timing was just never right and she knew she was still afraid to lose her best friend.
They often kept to themselves anyway, locked away in Tara's room just talking. Then, kissing when things became more serious. Then, well, more than that when they felt they were ready. And practically nonstop after that. Nothing she and Tara did together ever felt wrong so she didn't understand her own fear of confiding in her best friend.
"Earth to Willow," Buffy said, interrupting Willow's analysis.
"Sorry."
"I'm worried about you, Willow," Buffy said, sincerely.
"Don't be. I'm just in a funk. Spending time with you helps. Really."
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"So, it's been about a month since we talked. How do you feel? Any different?" Dr. Langdon asked.
"Different? Yes."
"Better?" she pressed.
"No. Not better. Worse, actually," Willow added.
"Why worse?" she asked, leaning forward a bit.
"I did something stupid." When the doctor cocked an eyebrow, Willow continued. "I looked her up on Facebook. I just wanted to... I don't even know. And then I found out that she's not in Washington anymore. She's closer. A lot closer."
"How much closer?"
"Soluna."
"So, she's gone from a fantasy to a temptation?" the doctor asked, almost rhetorically.
"I guess that is what happened, yes," Willow said, looking down at her hands that were fidgeting in her lap.
"Well, I see you took the opposite approach then. You were going to find a way to forget about her and move forward with your life, weren't you? Don't you think you've just made that exponentially harder to do?"
"I couldn't help it," Willow replied.
"Why do you feel that you couldn't help it?"
"It's just this feeling I have. This strong feeling that we could still have something. It's impossible to ignore. That's why I started coming to you in the first place. She's just constantly in there," she explained, pointing to her head.
"And what are you going to do now? I mean, you haven't made contact with her, right?"
"No. I haven't."
"That's good. Then you still have the option of getting back on track. That is, if that's what you want. Is that what you want?"
"No. That's never been what I wanted. Forgetting about her was just what I thought I had to do. But that little 'maybe' in my head would never allow that to happen," Willow responded.
"Then you need to make a choice. You're putting yourself in limbo again. That won't make you happy either," Dr. Langdon explained.
"But, I don't want her to think I'm a weirdo for sending her a friend request."
"Well, if she does, then she won't accept the request, right? Then, you'll know that she's completely moved on and then you can plan your next steps from there."
"But then it's really over."
"It seems like that might be what you're afraid of more than anything else, wouldn't you say? I mean, you looked her up after our last session, and you've yet to make any real contact with her. Eventually, you're going to have to find out if she feels the same or not."
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Dr. Langdon was right. What scared Willow the most was that Tara wanted nothing to do with her. Tara hadn't made any attempt to contact her, after all. And Willow didn't think she'd ever be able to face that. But she had to. So, just like the last time, she plopped herself down on the couch and powered on her laptop.
Her breathing became a little more shallow as she entered the name again. She was afraid of what Tara's lack of response would do to her. Long seconds passed as her mouse hovered over the "Send Friend Request" button. A sick feeling suddenly took hold of her and she forcibly pushed the laptop aside.
"Damn it!" she said, sitting up.
She rested her elbows on her knees and put her head in her hands. Without warning, tears started forming in her eyes and for the first time in a long time she just let them out. Part of her felt stupid for crying. It wasn't like the break up was fresh. But she realized it was mostly frustration. The type of frustration that could only come from longing for something that is always out of reach. And what she was trying to do was minimize that distance so that maybe Tara wouldn't be out of reach anymore.
She knew very well, though, that it was probably an unlikely outcome. That made the tears continue to flow. Like she had done hundreds of times before, she thought about the past. When she knew Tara. Because she had to face the fact that she may not even be the same person with such a significant passage of time.
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10 YEARS AGO...
"You introduced me as your friend," Tara said, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
"I know," Willow said, looking at the ground. "I'm sorry."
"Willow, I know you're not out. And that's okay. But, that really hurt. It's been a year. Are you ever going to tell them?" Tara asked, trying not to let her impending tears get the better of her.
She swallowed back the lump in her throat as she waited for Willow to say something. Willow just sighed deeply and furrowed her brows as if thinking very carefully about what to say next. Tara was right. It felt like a betrayal even as the introductions were happening. But it was too late and she could tell by the obvious shift in Tara's demeanor that things were not okay.
"Tara, I do want to tell them. I want them to know who you are to me. I just... need some time, okay? I'm afraid to lose them."
Tara dropped her arms to her sides. She felt for Willow, but she was also hurt.
"If they're really your friends, everything is going to be fine, Willow. I don't want to pressure you... but I don't want to be your 'friend' for the rest of my life, either."
Willow understood. And was even excited by the indication that Tara was really in this for the long haul. One of her fears had been assuaged, at least, but the other remained. It was always hovering there in the background.
"I mean, don't you think it's a little strange that they're meeting me for the first time after a whole year?" Tara continued.
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Willow sighed and closed her eyes tightly so she could try to stop thinking about that fight. It was the first of many to follow. Always about the same thing. And the worst part was, things weren't any different now. And Willow felt even more stupid. Those fights happened for a reason. Everything Tara said was true. And Willow, in an effort to keep her friends, had lost her love. She saw it happening and yet she let her fear take it away from her.
That was when it became obvious that she didn't deserve Tara. But she wanted to deserve her. That meant doing something very difficult. But it was the least she could do. Even if she couldn't get Tara back, she needed to do this for herself and to validate the importance of what she had with Tara. Thinking about what she had to do now, her stomach tightened again. This time, she rushed to the bathroom. Her face was already pasty as she turned on the cold water with her right hand and clutched the rim of the sink with her left.
Leaning over it, she began to dry heave. After all of this time keeping her secret, she was barely able to handle the thought of everything being laid out in the open. She cupped some water in her hand and splashed it onto her face, wetting some of her hair and the collar of her shirt in the process. She needed to make a plan now. That was the only way her brain knew how to work through this.
She looked up into the mirror and saw her pale face. Now that she could see what this was doing to her physically, she knew it was finally going to be over. Because it had to be. She peeled her damp shirt off and set it on the edge of the sink along with the rest of her clothing and got in the shower. Letting the warm water soothe her tired muscles, she closed her eyes and tried to think about what she would say to Buffy. Would she be pissed? And if so, would it be because she kept it secret or because of the secret itself?
"I have to tell you something, Buffy," she started.
The muffled echo made the words sound even scarier. And she hadn't even gotten to the meat of it, yet. She swallowed hard and shook her head. This wasn't going to work. Preparing. It was her instinct, but her instinct hadn't gotten her very far in life. So, maybe it was best to do things differently this time. To be brave. For herself as much as for Tara.
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A few days passed before she was able to work up the courage to meet with Buffy. The Slayer had anxiously been awaiting this moment. She didn't know what was coming, but she could see her friend was in pain. Every subtle movement and every word uttered were analyzed as Buffy tried her best to read the redhead.
They were at Buffy's apartment. Somewhere Willow felt comfortable, but could leave if she needed to. Or if she wanted to. And somewhere neither of them would cause a scene. Buffy sat on the couch and Willow paced. Buffy just followed her with her eyes from one corner of the living room to the other, waiting. She was trying to be patient, but the suspense was overwhelming.
"Willow," Buffy said softly. "Whatever it is, it will be okay. Okay?"
Willow stopped pacing and turned to face Buffy. She took a deep breath. Buffy could easily see the rise and fall of her chest. She then saw Willow open her mouth slightly, but she bit her lip instead and continued pacing.
"Okay," Willow said while still pacing.
Buffy sat up at attention, ready to receive every word.
"Do you, uh... Do you remember Tara?"
"Yeah. Your friend that moved to Washington?" Buffy asked, distracted by Willow's continued pacing. "Wait, Will. Before you continue, why don't you sit down? You're making me dizzy."
Willow took a seat on the recliner that was perpendicular to the couch that Buffy was perched on. She began tapping her foot, but waited for Buffy's cue to continue. Buffy just extended her hand, palm up, in response.
"Okay. Yeah. So, Tara. She, uh... She wasn't my friend."
"Okay," Buffy said, confusion written clearly on her face.
"It was a... a much different thing than what you and I have," she elaborated.
"Uh-huh," Buffy responded, still not clear on what Willow was trying to say.
"I'm going to have to spell it out, aren't I?" Willow asked, sighing. "Tara was my girlfriend, Buffy. And she left because of me. Because I wouldn't tell anyone about us."
Just as she'd finished speaking she was hit by the pregnant silence of the room. Buffy's face contorted into an unrecognizable expression and she stood up. Anger, Willow suddenly noticed. She hadn't seen it directed at her from the Slayer before and her heart started beating harder even as she thought that wasn't possible.
"Are you kidding me right now?!" Buffy said.
Willow didn't speak. She wasn't sure which part the Slayer was upset about so she decided to let her do the talking, or yelling, for now.
"How long, Willow?!"
"How... How long what?" Willow asked hesitantly.
"How long were you with Tara? Because you never said anything, Willow. I tell you everything. Because I thought that that was the kind of friendship we had. Am I wrong about that? Because...."
"Buffy. You're not wrong, okay?" Willow said, standing so she could make eye contact with her best friend. "It was hard for me. Really hard. There were so many times I wanted to tell you."
"And you didn't, because?" Buffy asked, still visibly upset.
Just then, Willow also got upset. She was so anxious for Buffy's reaction, she hadn't had time to be pissed off herself.
"You know what, Buffy?! I didn't tell you because I was afraid. I didn't know how you were going to react. You and Xander are my only friends. Don't you think I thought about this? Like, you really think I take this lightly?"
Buffy calmed down a little as she thought about it, but doubled down in her effort to find out the whole story.
"Does Xander know?" Buffy asked, preparing to get angrier.
"No."
"Okay, Will. But you still haven't answered my question. How long did this go on?" Buffy asked, placing her right hand on her hip and fully facing the redhead.
Willow cleared her throat and kicked the carpet with the tip of her left foot, not making eye contact.
"A while," she responded, quietly.
Buffy took a step toward Willow and didn't say anything until Willow lifted her gaze.
"How long is a while, Willow?"
There was a long pause just then. Willow hoped that Buffy would say something else, but she knew that she'd have to answer.
"Three years," she said finally.
In response, Buffy just scoffed and turned away from Willow, throwing her hands in the air. She sat down on the couch and leaned back. And there the Slayer stayed, staring at the wall in front of her and doing no more than pursing her lips.
"Aren't you going to say anything, Buffy?" Willow asked, afraid yet determined to get through it.
"I don't have anything to say to you right now, Willow. I mean, where would I start? With the fact that you thought I'd shun you for being gay? Or how about the fact that there are things that I really don't want to tell you sometimes because I know that you'll judge me. Even if you don't say it out loud. But I tell you anyway. Because I trust you to be there for me no matter what. I guess I'm not that for you. So, no. There really isn't anything else for me to say to you."
Buffy got up from the couch again and started walking to her bedroom. Without turning around she shut the door behind her, leaving her best friend standing awkwardly in the living room. Willow was stunned. She had expected that this outcome was a possibility, but she'd still hoped for the best. With the crushing silence surrounding her, she finally let the tears fall that had been gathering since she'd first started speaking.
When she was able to react again, she simply turned and left. Buffy was right in much, if not all of what she'd said and nothing Willow could say right now would change that.
_________________ My parents said that I could be anything that I wanted to be... so I became a lesbian.
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