The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Mon Feb 13, 2017 5:47 pm 
17. Mega-Witches
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Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 7:08 am
Posts: 2689
Topics: 4
Location: Sydney, Australia
Author: Chris Cook
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters are the property of Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. Challenge of the Super Friends is the property of DC Comics
Notes: All credit to Cyd (Hermitfish), who created the Special Friends in the first place, and Shelby whose Ringing in the New Year gave me the idea for this silly little episode specifically (you’ll see what I mean). The rest is me, and since I only decided to write it for Valentine’s Day yesterday, that’s why it’s probably not very polished.

Adventures of the what? Read the previous Special Friends stories on this very board, by Cyd:
A Very Special Christmas
The Curse of the Wicked at Heart
Another Special Christmas
and the one where I got into the picture, with Cyd’s help on my first episode:
Crisis of Infinite Lesbians


Invasion of the Girlfriend Snatchers!


An event had transformed Snowydale. Pink glitter encrusted every available surface. Heart-shaped balloons filled with helium were affixed to every lamppost and electricity pole, in some cases in such quantities as to lift them out of the ground and cause aircraft to be diverted. Mass-produced decorative lovers’ benches had sprung up in parks and gardens, each helpfully displaying the logo of whichever company wanted credit, thus creating the impression of a silent but fierce battle for dominance among the lawn furniture herd.

The commercialisation of Valentine’s Day was impossible to escape.

However the Wonder Lesbians were living up to their reputation for making the impossible possible, and as they walked about town - technically ‘on patrol’, but in fact meandering aimlessly hand-in-hand with besotted smiles on their faces - the purity of their love prompted many a bystander to forget for a moment the crass trappings of commerce surrounding the day, and turn their affectionate thoughts to their fellow man, woman, and/or non-gender binary individual of their acquaintance, likewise free of media-inspired distractions, and even those without a special someone (or occasionally someones) at that particular moment felt their hearts lifted by obvious proof of the goodness the world contained. The Wonder Lesbians’ besotted smiles were just that good.

The romantic tranquility of the scene was to be somewhat disrupted, however, as the pair stopped near a snack vendor, and Tara left Willow’s side for a moment to buy something tasty for the remainder of their patrol, pointedly ignoring the suggestively-shaped hot dogs she suspected were somehow Overt Sexuality Gal’s doing and casting her gaze over the selection of muffins. With the blonde’s attention thus momentarily diverted, a skanky-looking woman in excessively tight pants and a midriff-baring shirt sidled up to Willow and leered at her.

“Can I, help you?” the perturbed Wonder Lesbian asked, taking a step back from the woman edging well into her personal space.

“Yeah,” she replied. “I’m Washington.”

“That’s... an interesting name.”

“How about you and me go have ourselves a Boston tea party together?” the woman said, licking her lips with unnecessary unsubtlety.

“Uh, you know Washington wasn’t actually involved in that...?” Willow countered uneasily, sighing with relief as Tara returned to her side.

“Hey blondie, three’s a crowd,” the interloper snapped.

“We’ve got patrolling to do,” Willow said firmly, steering a startled Tara away.

“Who was that?” Tara wondered, as Willow glanced over her shoulder, unhappily noticing Washington’s eyes fixed on her backside as she departed the scene.

“I don’t know,” she said. “She just came up and-”

“Hey hot stuff, I’m Adams,” another woman said, pouncing out from an alleyway into the pair’s path.

“Adam’s what?” Tara asked, perplexed.

“That super-suit looks good on you,” Adams went on, reaching out to touch Willow’s hip, but finding her hand politely but firmly slapped away. “But it’d look better on-”

No,” Willow said loudly, again taking flight with Tara’s hand firmly in hers.

“Hey baby, want to get some Jefferson in you?” leered a third intruder on the couple’s time, emerging from hiding behind a postbox and making straight for Willow with an exaggerated sashay designed to show off her short skirt which was well on its way to being classified as a belt.

“No I don’t!” Willow retorted, moving closer to Tara.

“Call me!” Jefferson yelled as they broke into a run.

“Not that I find anything unusual about the notion that women would be attracted to you,” Tara said as they jogged along, “but-”

“Hey honey, you ever dance the Madison?”

“Not interested!”

“-does this seem a little bit strange to you?”

“Yeah,” Willow agreed. “If only because they’re not looking at you at all, what are the odds of running into four women in a row who apparently don’t think you’re hot as well?”

“Want me to Monroe-row-row your boat?” yet another skank called to her from the window of a passing car.

“Five, that’s conclusive, also go away! Something nefarious is going on.”

“Come on, the plane’s parked just up ahead,” Tara said, as they hurried away from the growing crowd behind them.


“So this is kinda weird,” Princess Repression noted, peering out a window from the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality as the crowd of presidentially-named skanks clustered in front of the main gate outside deepened.

“How many are there now?” Cowboy Guy wondered.

“The one that tried to tip over my car when I arrived was called Coolidge, apparently,” Captain Tea Cosy said. “So that’s at least thirty.”

“Let’s solve this before they catch up to the present, okay?” Overt Sexuality Gal pleaded.

“The Wonder Lesbian Analyser has confirmed that they’re not real people,” Tara explained, studying the series of punch cards the complex computer inexplicably relied upon to communicate with the outside world.

“So what are they?” Nancy Gym Bunny asked, as a crash from outside marked the collapse of the perimeter fence.

“That’s what we have to find out,” Willow declared. “And I’ve got a plan.”


“I’ve spotted one of the varmints strayin’ from the herd,” Cowboy Guy whispered into his communicator, while hanging upside-down from the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality’s roof, supported by Nancy Gym Bunny’s workout-hardened grip on his ankles.

“Excellent work,” Captain Tea Cosy replied in his earpiece. “Wonder Lesbians, we have a suitable test subject in sight. If you would please initiate Plan Skank Lure?”

A moment later the skank in question, wandering around the side of the building while the main crowd continued fruitlessly pounding in the reinforced front door, perked up at the sight of Willow emerging from a side entrance wearing very little lingerie and a very aroused expression.

“Hey baby,” the redhead purred. “I need you right now.”

Hardly believing her luck the skank broke into a headlong charge, only to pass straight through what proved to be a mere holographic projection, and right onto Cowboy Guy’s lasso spread out on the ground, which at his forceful tug whipped her up into the air.

“Got ‘er!” he whooped proudly. “Nice goin’, Wonder Lesbians! ...hello?”

“They’re not listening, mate,” Nancy Gym Bunny said, peering over the edge of the roof at the hologram, which was now picking up the edge of Tara’s image as Willow cuddled and kissed her.


“What have we learned?” Giles asked a short while later, as the Wonder Lesbians - both with their hair mussed and their costumes a little askew as if re-dressed in a hurry - applied their scientific geniuses to the captive.

“Well for starters,” Willow said, “Van Buren here-”

“She said my name!” Van Buren crowed. “It’s true love!”

“- shut up - is definitely an artificial life form. Baby could you attach another omni-analyser? Thanks.” Tara dutifully and none too gently stuck another metal patch attached to a bunch of wires to the restrained skank. Hard sciences were generally Willow’s field of expertise, but Van Buren’s suggestive comments about wanting Willow to ‘probe her’ had gotten on her nerves until they swapped roles.

“So someone’s creating android skanks?” Princess Repression asked.

“Whoever it is, they’re getting their asses kicked,” Overt Sexuality Gal snarled. “These things are giving lascivious promiscuity a bad name, and I’m not okay with that!”

“The Legion of Impractical Malice?” Cowboy Guy suggested.

“Punch them if you see them,” Willow shrugged. “But I think it may not be them. The skanks aren’t robots - they’re biological, but not terrestrial.”

“Aliens?” Captain Tea Cosy dutifully interpreted for the non-sci-fi fans in the audience.

“And we think we know why they’re behaving the way they are,” Tara added. “Their brains are keyed to locate and home in on the Q-gene, the basis for gay superpowers, and disrupt the resulting Q-energy from forming stable interpersonal loops.”

“They’re trying to break you two up?” Nancy Gym Bunny put in.

“Ineptly, but yes,” Willow said. “We’re detecting a control signal guiding them, but wherever it’s coming from, as soon as we go there we’ll get swarmed.”

“If they’re driven by lust, my represso powers might help?” Princess Repression offered.

“Or I could bang them all until they’re exhausted?” Overt Sexuality Gal put in.

“We were thinking option A,” Tara said, while Princess Repression glared and mouthed ‘wrong’ at her partner. “But we could be looking at as many as forty-five of them, and that’s assuming we’re not going to have to deal with Vice Presidents as well.”

“So we’ve invented a focusing device for your powers,” Willow said, handing Princess Repression a glowing pink tiara. “This’ll let you target them with extreme precision and hold the horde off until we can deal with whatever’s controlling them.”

“I’ve got a kiss with your clit’s name on it,” Van Buren cooed.

“Alright that’s enough!” Tara snapped, grabbing a non-concussion Safe-T-Bat off the wall of the Wonder Lesbian laboratory and smacking the skank in the head with it.

“Butch,” Willow grinned, sidling up to her as she calmed down and blushed, tossing the bat away again.

“I-I was, you know, the way they’ve been... I don’t mean to get possessive, but-”

“Shh,” Willow smiled, kissing her. “Totally okay with the butch.”


“There it is,” Willow pointed through the side of the Plane of Invisibility and/or Interdimensional Transport, which being invisible gave a very good view of the surrounding area. In this case the view was of a gleaming silver bar-bell wedged incongruously through the decorative giant tongue on the roof of the Snowydale Museum of Oral Arts.

“Did not expect to see that,” Tara observed, glancing down at the street below. “Unfortunately we were right, the plane’s invisibility didn’t throw off the skanks’ homing senses, they’re climbing the building.”

“We need a clear run at that spaceship to get rid of it,” Willow decided. “Princess Repression, are you ready?”

“I’ve got your back, babe,” Overt Sexuality Gal grinned.

“Just don’t Blinding Flash them unless you really have to,” Princess Repression grumbled. “I’d rather than not start getting interested in you too. Okay, let’s do this.”

Tara steered the plane over the museum’s roof, low enough for Princess Repression to jump out, into the path of the oncoming herd. Striking a heroic pose which Overt Sexuality Gal rather enjoyed watching, she put on her Represso Tiara and summoned her energy with her newly-devised creed:

“In cinema back rows and games of truth or dare,
No careless groping will escape my disapproving glare!
Let those who think all game is fair,
Beware my power, Repression Stare!”

Her eyes glowed pink and shot out pencil-thin beams of repression, jumping from skank to skank and knocking them to the ground, where they suddenly began to feel very ashamed of themselves, and disintegrated as their entire purpose for existing was thus negated. With the path thus cleared the Wonder Lesbians jumped down behind Princess Repression and studied the alien spacecraft.

“Looks like there’s a maximum range,” Willow concluded, as behind her the self-consciousness-inducing firefight raged on. "So we just need to get it away from the planet and it'll shut down."

“Then we know what we have to do, right sweetie?” Tara said, reaching for her hand.

“Right,” Willow nodded, holding hands.


Exactly as intended, the Wonder Lesbians transformed into a giant rocket-assisted piece of siege equipment, which grabbed the spaceship in its arm, tore it free of the museum, and with a burst of its rockets flung it back into outer space, never to return.

“Nice throw,” Overt Sexuality Gal commented as the Wonder Lesbians returned to their normal (although naturally still very special) forms. “Just out of curiosity, what’s it like being a trebuchet?”

“Not quite as classic as a catapult, but I think more stylish than a ballista,” Willow replied.


“Think I got ‘em all,” Princess Repression said, breathing heavily as she staggered back to the other heroes.

“Are you okay?” Tara asked, noticing Princess Repression’s costume had come somewhat awry, her hair was slicked back, and her skin was coated with sweat.

“Just repressioned out... a bit,” Princess Repression panted. “No sense of... self-denial... for next few hours...”

“I got this!” Overt Sexuality Gal offered, having also noticed her partner’s current state, but proceeded along a different train of thought to Tara’s. “Hey babe, I’m thinking of covering myself in strawberry-flavoured lubricant and handcuffing myself to our bed, wanna come?”


“Don’t wait up!” Overt Sexuality Gal called over her shoulder as she was dragged away.

“So everything’s back to normal,” Willow said, sitting next to Tara on the base of the giant tongue monument.

“You won’t miss it?” Tara asked, with a playful grin. “A whole horde of women obsessed with getting into your super-pants?”

“Nah,” Willow shook her head, swinging her legs up to rest over Tara’s lap. “They were just one-dimensional caricatures, they weren’t real.” She kissed Tara to further cement her point. “This is real.”

“Yes it is,” Tara agreed. “Happy Valentine’s Day sweetie.”


Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

Last edited by Artemis on Sun Jul 16, 2017 6:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2017 9:34 am 
10. Troll Hammer
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Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 1:49 pm
Posts: 1159
Topics: 12
Location: Seattle, WA
Oh my word! What a FANTASTIC Valentine's Day gift!!

I love the Special Friends. I especially love their euphemistic names for literally everything.

I really don't have anything constructive to say about this delightful romp. It was just all fun... hilarious, sexy, fun.

Let me just add, however, that I am so grateful we didn't have to meet Skank #45. <shudder>

Thanks for this, Chris! And Happy V-day to you!


Check out some of my most popular works: Special ... Leave It to Giles ... The Inimitable Giles ... Giles at Christmas

Challenge Fics!: You Could Be Her ... Glasses ... Graffiti ... Pizza Day

Forbidden Fics?: Check out the Litterbox!

Oops, I made a mythtake... wt4ever

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Sat Apr 01, 2017 7:16 am 
17. Mega-Witches
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Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 7:08 am
Posts: 2689
Topics: 4
Location: Sydney, Australia
Thanks DW :grin

Anyway, time for something new - due to daylight savings this particular hour will un-happen in 45 minutes or so, so it's kind an appropriate time for this episode (I didn't plan that, honest).

Author: Chris Cook
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters are the property of Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. Challenge of the Super Friends is the property of DC Comics
Notes: All credit to Cyd (Hermitfish), who created the Special Friends in the first place.
Also notes: This was actually my planned next episode after Crisis of Infinite Lesbians all those years ago. Hope you all enjoy it at last.


House of W


Deep within the bleak and dismal swamp outside Snowydale, the headquarters of the Legion of Impractical Malice failed to rise, because it was in pieces.

One of the pieces rose, which didn’t at all have the same effect, nor was it an improvement since it allowed Warren’s weaselly face to appear. He looked from side to side in the nervous fashion of one who was recently saved from a well-deserved butt-kicking only by being covered by a piece of falling debris, and stood up once it seemed the coast was clear.

“Is anyone else here?” he demanded petulantly, trying to wring swamp water out of the ill-fitting supervillain costume Principal Corrupt Principles had talked him into wearing, to the enduring regret of everyone else.

“Are they gone?” Andrew asked, climbing down out of the tree he had been hiding in.

“Silence!” Warren yowled, purely by reflex. Even Andrew had begun to ignore it.

“The Special Friends captured Olaf,” Jonathan complained, falling out of the tree behind Andrew like the world’s least promising acorn. “Again.”

“And Robo-Warren,” Andrew lamented, sniffling to himself. “The one with the cattle prod got him in a lasso.”

“Did anyone see where the Principal went?” Jonathan wondered.

“His LSD bomb hit me in the head,” Mr. Broodypants complained, appearing from beneath the black coat he had hidden under like a tortoise. “I don’t know what happened after that.”

“You tried to bite me!” Warren snapped.

“You thought you were a vampire,” Andrew elaborated. “You said you needed his blood-”

“Blood...!” Mr. Broodypants wailed, going pale and looking ready to faint. He clasped his hands to his head, and got distracted. “...oh no, my hair’s got all soggy. Did my grooming products survive?”

“Hello, wonderful persons!” a pair of distorted but cheerful voices sounded from above. The remaining members of the Legion turned their squinty gazes skyward as the Bizarro Wonder Lesbians floated back down, beaming happily.

“You!” Warren tried to shout, except it came out as more of a shrill squeak. “You said you had a plan! That this would be our great triumph over those accursed Gay Guardians!” The Bizzaros looked around at the shattered, partially submerged, and slightly on fire ruins of the Hall of Perpetual Corruption.

“On Bizarro World, this is triumph!” Bizarro-Tara declared.

“Since when can you fly?” Jonathan asked. “Why didn’t you do that when we were fighting the Special Friends?”

“In super-fight, must use superpowers,” Bizarro-Willow pointed out. “On Bizarro World, not flying is superpower.” She seemed very pleased with this explanation, then got distracted by Bizarro-Tara’s grin, and they started kissing.

“Hey, you said you weren’t gay!” Mr. Broodypants sulked.

“On Bizarro World-” Bizarro-Willow began to explain, before Bizarro-Tara unzipped the front of her super-suit and buried Bizarro-Willow’s face in her cleavage. Warren buried his face in his hands, which was less pleasant on pretty much every level available, and tried his best to ignore Andrew tentatively patting him on the back.

Just then, when the Legion of Impractical Malice was at its lowest - not that their highest was a great deal further up the ladder - fate decided to be a pain in the butt to all right-thinking people and intervene, in the form of a small woman in the stained and swamp-sodden remains of what at first appeared to be a witch’s dress, but on closer inspection proved to be a home-made copy of a cheap Halloween costume, coloured red by way of a non-waterproof marker pen which was starting to run.

“Who the hell are you guys?!” she snapped.


“Legion of Impractical Malice,” Jonathan replied, too disheartened even to bother with the definite article. “Who’re you?”

“I’m Amy, the Scarlet Bitch!” the would-be witch proclaimed, striking a pose which accidentally made the cardboard brim detach from her hat and fall over her shoulders.

“Are you another lesbian?” Mr. Broodypants asked suspiciously.

“Will it get me attention if I say yes?”

“Why do you call yourself a bitch?” Andrew wondered, not seeing that argument going anywhere productive.

“Saves time. Hey has anyone seen a newt?”


“I need eye of newt for a spell,” Amy explained. “Newts live in swamps, right? Or, wait, am I thinking of axlotls...”

“A spell?!” Jonathan piped up. “I feel a nefarious scheme coming on!”


“So you want me to rewrite reality?” Amy asked with a confused frown.

“Yes!” Jonathan cackled maniacally, to the discomfort of the other members of the Legion, as it had started to rain and they were all closely packed beneath the one chunk of ceiling still standing. Warren glared at him, upset that his role as instigator of malicious schemes was being usurped.

“O... kay,” Amy shrugged. “Alright I’m gonna need some ingredients then. A cherished item of clothing-”

“Here,” Andrew said, dropping a pair of underpants into her startled hands.

“Why is your underwear cherished?” Mr. Broodypants wondered.

“Hey they’re mine!” Warren yelped.

“Next, an instrument of death,” Amy went on.

“Will this do?” Mr. Broodypants suggested, handing over a plastic toy, which broke in half in Amy’s hand.

“That was my last Darth Maul lightsaber,” Andrew complained.

“Did it ever kill anyone?”

“Liam Neeson, kind of...”

“And the unrealised hopes of an ephemeral soul.”

“What the heck is that supposed to look like?” Warren complained.

I don’t know!” Amy spat back. “I’m just reading what the Spells With Friends app on my phone says! Look just set the stuff on fire, we’ll work it out later.” Much to Andrew’s dismay the toy lightsaber and underpants were ritually immolated by way of a piece of their old conference table that hadn’t yet been extinguished by the rain.

“So when does reality get rewritten?” Mr. Broodypants muttered. “Can my hair be more spiky in the new Earth?”

“We’re trying to get rid of the Wonder Lesbians, your hair isn’t that important!” Warren bitched.

“Does it work like Back to the Future, or Timecop?” Andrew asked.

“My hair is important...”

“Entire world should be made of frogs,” Bizarro-Willow suggested.

“This is magic!” Amy snapped, snatching the piece of conference table away from Jonathan and poking the burning underpants. “We need to do a proper incantation, it’s... wait I need to look this up.”

“Are you really a witch?” Andrew asked.

Look, shut up, you can’t just say abra-ca-docus No More Lesbians and-”


Tara thought uncharitable thoughts about the Legion of Impractical Malice as she hurried from awning to awning, avoiding as much of the rain as she could, while the bus stops along the street sat vacant and unused, following the Legion’s latest edict that public transport was ‘a load of hippy crap’ and therefore outlawed. She cast a baleful glare at the Inferiority Complex, the misshapen edifice looming over the dilapidated main street that Snowydale’s ill-tempered rulers called home, then squared her shoulders and made one last dash, getting slightly soaked on her way to one of the few remaining thriving businesses.

Despite the malaise that hung over the whole town, and had done since the Legion’s rise, she was managing to feel a sense of optimism today: after eking out a living with such low-paying jobs as the Legion hadn’t already driven out of town for good, and managing to complete her degree despite all the funding cuts Snowydale University was perpetually suffering, she had received the reward she had been working towards all these years, in the form of a job offer from FredCorp. The only real bright spot left in Snowydale, FredCorp’s economical and environmentally friendly products and services, and its many charity schemes, kept the town running despite the Legion’s best efforts to grind it into the ground.

The perky blonde receptionist even managed a genuine smile as Tara crossed the lobby to her gleaming white desk.

“Welcome to FredCorp, I’m Buffy, how can we help you today?”

“I-I’m Tara, Tara Maclay. I have an appointment, about the science position?” Buffy glanced at the letter she was holding out and nodded.

“Head on up to the sixty-ninth floor,” she said, indicating the elevators. “Ms. Burkle will meet you there for your interview.”

“Thank you- Ms. Burkle?” Tara paused. “Herself?”

“She’s a great boss,” Buffy said, with a reassuring smile. “She likes to meet everyone. I’ll let her know you’re here.”

“Wow. Thank you.”


The elevator whisked Tara up floor after floor with impressive speed, offering as it did a view of the building’s central light well, with people going about their various kinds of work behind the windows of each level. Desks were decorated with cherished photos and children’s drawings and little toys and gadgets, so unlike the impersonal office cubicles the Legion insisted were better for business. Employees were talking with one another, without stern-faced overseers ensuring ‘productive silence’. Even the elevator was missing the mind-destroyingly awful tinned music. For the first time in a long time, Tara found herself glad she had stayed in Snowydale, rather than moved away as so many others had when the Legion took over.

In a matter of moments the doors opened and Tara found herself in a brightly lit science centre, fully furnished with expensive computers, electronic whiteboards, drafting tables, workbenches, an array of robotics and other electronic paraphernalia - everything, in fact, except scientists. Tara was peering around in mild confusion when another elevator arrived behind her, bringing with it a petite brunette with a seemingly perpetual grin.

“Ms. Maclay?” she asked, holding out her hand.

“Yes - hello!” Tara said, stunned despite Buffy’s warning at actually being face to face with the billionaire CEO of FredCorp. “Ms. Burkle, hi. Um, thank you, for this opportunity, really...” She swallowed as her tongue got slightly tied.

“Call me Fred,” the CEO replied.

“Uh... Tara,” Tara smiled.

“So how do you like Science Central?” Fred asked, looking around.

“It’s, amazing... very impressive. It’s all,” Tara hesitated, then went on. “It’s a lot more, uh, practical engineering than I’m used to.” She ventured a questioning look at Fred. “I studied more in the humanities area than technical sciences.”

“Yep, we’ve got our hardware gal already,” Fred nodded. “I think she’d be in the materials processing lab this time of morning, it’s just through that door. I hired you specially for a project I’ve been running in... well let’s say in the background of FredCorp, in parallel with all the practical stuff. Your thesis sounded like just what I need for it. ‘The Missing Love’?”

“Uh, y-yes,” Tara nodded shyly. “That actually came out of a combination of behavioural studies and history, to begin with. The idea that there’s an unknown element missing from the world.”

“We’ve been pursuing the same line of thinking here,” Fred agreed. “The anomalies. The L Word ran for six seasons, but nobody knows what ‘the L word’ is. All that fan fiction exploring Xena and Gabrielle’s friendship, even though the tv show covered everything. Things don’t add up.”

“It goes back even further,” Tara said, gaining confidence as the conversation went on. “Thousands of years. Have you ever read Sappho?”

“The poet?”

“A lot of her poems peter out after a couple of lines with just ‘I don’t know, whatever’. In ancient Greek, of course. But they’re compelling, somehow. They feel like they have meaning even though there’s... nothing actually there. And... people, in general, aren’t...”

“Aren’t as happy as it seems like they should be?” Fred finished for her.

“I actually... well,” Tara hesitated awkwardly. “I found what I think might be a clue in the study o-of male homosexuality.”

“I don’t mind a bit of yaoi myself,” Fred grinned.

“Uh no, that’s not...” Tara shook her head. “Not that I mind, but I meant, from a science angle. See,” she picked up an electronic marker and started drawing on one of the whiteboards. “Hot gay love leads to superpowers.”

“Known fact,” Fred agreed.

“While intolerance, petty-mindedness, and xenophobia lead to villain powers,” Tara went on.

“The Legion of Impractical Malice,” Fred grimaced.

“This era’s example, yes. Nature trends towards balance, but these powers are out of balance - there’s too much villain power. My theory is that this, this missing factor is a... another kind of love.”

Another kind?” a voice asked, startling them. They spun around to see a redhead standing in the doorway, staring rapt at Tara’s sketched diagram.

“How long’ve you been there?” Fred asked, laughing lightly. “Tara, meet Willow Rosenberg, our resident omniscientist, and the genius behind all the gadgets I use for... extreme sports? I like extreme sports, yes. Base-kayaking, and stuff.”

“Hi, I, sorry,” Willow said, hurrying forward. “Hi I’m Willow... wait you just got told that. Hi.” She thrust out a hand, which Tara gingerly took, and for some reason held. “Sorry I didn’t mean to, to be all sneaky, I just came in while you were talking and, and what you were explaining...”

“Willow’s been working on the same problem,” Fred explained.

“You were saying, another kind of love?” Willow asked Tara, finally and reluctantly releasing her hand to gesture to the board.

“Uhh, y-yes,” Tara nodded. “Yes... You see, hot gay love arises in men, not women, but from all the research I’ve done on psychology and behaviour, men and women aren’t that different. And I did a lot of calculations-”

“I adore calculations,” Willow murmured, entranced.

“-and the relation of superpowers to villain powers, globally, is around 50%. But not exactly - the actual number is 50.248756%, which is...” She paused as she wrote the number on the board.

“-the worldwide percentage of males versus females,” Willow realised.

“Allowing equal room for intersex individuals, yes,” Tara nodded, writing faster in excitement. “Perfect balance would be achieved if there were female superpowers,” she went on, speaking and writing at the same time, “arising from this theoretical missing kind of love, and the absence of that love from the world, weakens all the other kinds of love.”

“Because love leads to love,” Willow agreed, “and ignoring or denying one kind of love harms all kinds.”

“So there’s... this,” Tara finished, drawing arrows from all the various factors she had written on the board, converging on a large question mark. “Our mystery love.”

“Equivalent to male hot gay love, but expressed via women,” Willow said thoughtfully.

“Ms. Burkle?” Fred’s watch said abruptly, startling her.

“Sorry, I gotta take this,” the CEO said. “Yes Buffy?”

“Security cameras show Mr. Broodypants approaching the building.

Ugh. Ladies, stay here,” Fred said apologetically. “I’ll go... deal with this. Don’t worry, we’re perfectly safe from the Legion. Keep theorising, you look like you’re really making a connection.”

“A member of the Legion?” Tara asked nervously, as Fred bounded into an emergency elevator that shot towards the top floor.

“It’s okay,” Willow assured her. “It actually happens all the time, they hate all the good wholesome work we do here.”

“But what can Ms. Burkle do to stop them?”

“Oh she’s... got a, a friend,” Willow said. “A friend who, you know, knows someone, and they know how to get in touch with you-know-who, and it’s totally not any kind of direct connection, but FredCorp is absolutely safe from the Legion. Do you want a coffee? I’ll get you a coffee, the coffee machine does mochas and I know what you’re thinking, ‘coffee from a machine, yuck’, but it’s a brilliant machine and, hang on I’ll get us both coffees.”

“Uh, thanks,” Tara said, watching Willow scurry across towards the high-tech gizmo in the corner of the lab which, it seemed, was a coffee machine as promised. After a lingering look straying down Willow’s back towards her bottom, which Tara was confused at but found oddly compelling, she turned back to the whiteboard.

“Hot gay love equivalent,” she mused, standing in front of the giant question mark and adding in more notes and arrows pointing to it. “Some kind of... female hot gay love. How could that work? What would a woman... what would I... how would I love another...”

Coffees in hand, Willow took a deep breath to calm her racing heart, which she had no idea the cause of since she hadn’t been exerting herself, but in some strange way was enjoying, and turned back - to see Tara, looking over her shoulder, coincidentally at the midst of all the arrows she had drawn, and beneath an underlined heading reading ‘HOT GAY WOMAN LOVE’. She didn’t even notice her hands dropping the coffees.


Back in the building’s lobby Buffy looked up as the main doors opened again, frowning as a long black coat walked in, containing a pale-faced man who struck a melodramatic pose at her, while the points of his hair sliced through the overhead beam of the metal detector.

“Princess Repression!” he proclaimed, hand outstretched towards Buffy.


“You shall be mine!”

“Uh, pass.”

Mr. Broodypants took another step forward and re-struck his pose, but whatever he was about to say was interrupted by the rapid opening of the lobby’s Emergency Vehicle Ingress Doors - which Ms. Burkle had insisted the building have, just in case a superhero needed to arrive in a hurry, not that she would know anything about the habits of superheroes she had hastened to add - through which a dazzling black and pink roadster with a fairy wings motif roared, skidding to a halt sideways to shield the reception desk. Out of it leapt a figure in a likewise black and pink tactical bodysuit (including tactical glittering cape) who flung a star-tipped boomerang at Mr. Broodypants’s face, sending him reeling back into the street. The masked Adorable Avenger glanced back at Buffy, who was pumping a fist in the air and cheering.

“Y’all stay inside,” she advised. “Just gotta take out some trash.”

“Who the heck are you?” Mr. Broodypants demanded, getting back to his feet as his newfound nemesis emerged from the building and closed in on him.

“How hard did that Cutearang hit you?” she wondered, producing another one from her utility belt. “Anyone else around here who drives a Cutemobile and kicks the Legion of Impractical Malice’s butts?” Mr. Broodypants lunged at her, only to find himself solidly roundhouse-kicked across the street.

“Hey Jonathan,” he said into his phone, once his downward trajectory had terminated in a pile of trash bags. “I thought you said there wouldn’t be any Special Friends in this reality? ... Well there’s a superhero here! ... Yes! ... Shut up, send the Bizarros- what do you mean, they say they don’t exist? Look just get your butts down here and help me! ...and bring hairspray!”

“Now how’s about you scurry on back to your crappy headquarters?” Miss Cute demanded, hands on hips.

“Not without Princess Repression!”

“Princess who now? Look, count of three, then I start using gadget-weapons on you just to see what sound they make when they hit you. I’ve got a bunch of new ones since our last fight.”

“We’ve fought before?”

“You try to kidnap my- I mean, FredCorp’s receptionist every week! Usually you can remember her actual name though. This is a new low even for you.” She looked down the street as the Legion’s expensive yet somehow still tacky Mobile Malice Van swerved into view and bore down on her.

“Can’t even fight your own fights now?” she scoffed at Mr. Broodypants, who had found a dustbin lid to hide behind. “Fine, let’s throw down!”

“What the heck’s going on here?” Warren demanded, lumbering out of the van in the Techno-negging Battlesuit he was rather pleased to discover he had invented several years ago in the current version of history. “Mr. Broodypants, you said you’d be able to handle this on your own. And who are you?”

“Gawd, what’s with y’all today?” She gripped a Cutearang in each hand and spread her cape as menacingly as an adorable vigilante in pink possibly could. “I am affection. I am prom night. I am Miss Cute!


Tara had hurried over to help Willow pick up the fallen coffee cups, but the moment their eyes had met their hands had stilled, and they stayed motionless, crouched down in front of one another, bare inches apart, and completely oblivious to the distant sounds of battle from street level.

“W-what do you see?” Tara whispered; there was a fire in Willow’s eyes she didn’t understand, but which she would somehow do anything rather than turn away from.

“The... the one thing, missing from the world,” Willow said in a hushed voice. She shifted closer, her eyes flicking down to Tara’s open lips, then back to her eyes.

“Is it... possible?” Tara asked, raising a trembling hand to touch Willow’s cheek. Neither of them noticed in the slightest that the laboratory around them was starting to distort, curving like an image in a fairground mirror.

“Hot gay love,” Willow breathed.

“You... and me...?”


Tara gulped, bit her lip, and then slid her hand down, around the back of Willow’s neck to hold her firmly.

“...yes,” she murmured.

“Do, do you want to-”

“I said yes,” she interrupted, leaning forward. Willow moved too, and as their lips met the fabric of reality around them bent so far it opened at the seams, spilling out a brilliant pure white light that washed over them-


“...great, the fire’s gone out,” Amy complained, as she and the remnants of the Legion sat huddled beneath the debris in their swamp.

“No world made of frogs,” Bizarro-Willow said forlornly.

“I hate our lives,” Jonathan concluded glumly.

“Situation is optimal,” Bizarro-Tara nodded, stroking Bizarro-Willow’s back to assuage her frog-related disappointment.

“You’re opposite Wonder Lesbians,” Warren complained. “Shouldn’t you like us?” The Bizarros looked at each other, then shook their heads.

“Not even Bizarro World that bizarre.”


“...and then we kissed, and everything went back to normal,” Willow finished explaining to the assembled heroes in the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality, while Tara helpfully drew a timeline diagram on the wall to help Cowboy Guy, who had a short attention span for science fiction.

“I confess I don’t remember anything of this alternate reality,” Captain Tea Cosy shook his head, “but your word is above reproach, Wonder Lesbians. Our memories must have been rewritten along with the rest of the world, leaving us unaware even of the existence of this tragically non-Sapphic timeline.”

“Hot receptionist though, that’s good for some roleplay,” Overt Sexuality Gal leered at Princess Repression.

“Do you know,” she asked the Wonder Lesbians, half-heartedly fending off the hand on her thigh, “why you can remember what happened, when we can’t?”

“I have a theory,” Willow offered. “Being the epicentre of the lesbianological event that caused the paradox within the alternate timeline and collapsed it, we may have been shielded from the effects of the temporal transition?”

“On the other hand, do you birds ever notice the rest of reality when you’re kissing?” Nancy Gym Bunny asked.

“He has a point,” Tara smiled at Willow, who nodded her agreement.

“Either way, there was a good twenty minutes or so of reality where we weren’t lovers,” she said, “so I feel like that needs to be solidly refuted. If you guys will excuse us?”

“Call the Rainbow Phone of Integrity if you need us!” Tara called over her shoulder as she and Willow more or less dragged each other out of the room.

And so as the Wonder Lesbians made their way to the Cave of Non-Stop Sapphic Monkey Love, and the other Special Friends devoted their attention to various special activities, Snowydale once more rested content, its citizens unaware of the heinously lesbianless reality that had briefly existed, going about their citizen-like business under the protection of the Gay Guardians... and the watchful figure perched cutely on the roof of FredCorp tower.


Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

Last edited by Artemis on Sun Jul 16, 2017 6:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Sat Apr 01, 2017 10:07 pm 
9. Gay Now
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Topics: 15
Location: Beyond the orbit of Mars and accelerating...
Ok. I giggled.


I thought for a moment the cute pink ranger was like, bizarro Faith or something.
But it seems not.

So who is the Adorable Avenger™?
Do they have a Dawn in this reality?

The plot thickens!

I shall have to tune in next time!

R :flower

“All I feel is sunlight. All I hear is music.” Willow
How i Met Your Mother - By Ariel

My Story: Coming Home

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2017 9:35 am 
10. Troll Hammer
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Topics: 12
Location: Seattle, WA
Dude... I freaking love the way your brain works.

Not even bizarro world is that bizarre.

Hee hee hee, too right!!


Check out some of my most popular works: Special ... Leave It to Giles ... The Inimitable Giles ... Giles at Christmas

Challenge Fics!: You Could Be Her ... Glasses ... Graffiti ... Pizza Day

Forbidden Fics?: Check out the Litterbox!

Oops, I made a mythtake... wt4ever

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2017 7:43 pm 
17. Mega-Witches
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Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 7:08 am
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Location: Sydney, Australia
Thanks guys :grin

I did work out a version of this where the non-lesbian members of the Special Friends appeared in the Amyverse - with the change that Faith would be Kinda Overt Sexuality Gal, since she'd only have half her usual amount of lust-for-everyone-based power - but in the end I decided to just have Miss Cute as the sole superhero so as not to have too much going on in scenes that didn't involve Willow and Tara. I got to thinking that perhaps the Wonder Lesbians brought the Special Friends together in the first place, so if they didn't exist, the others never discovered their potential for superheroics even though they would still be gay and fantastic (I kinda wrote myself into a corner there by having the spell be specifically no more lesbians, but I'd already put that in the TV guide ad on one of the She-Ra episodes so I figured I'd stick to it). One of my ideas for future episodes is Origin of the Special Friends, so we may get to see how it all happened.

I haven't figured out exactly how much Miss Cute will feature in future stories - I did initially intend her to just be part of the Amyverse, but changed my mind - but if you're still curious and don't mind possible-spoilers, she is
Fred, with Amyverse Willow kind of in the Lucius Fox role of designing all her crime-fighting gadgets under the guise of 'extreme sports equipment'.

I hadn't really considered a role for Dawn in this setting - but now that you mention it, there does seem to be potential for hilarity in Princess Repression having a little sister, who maybe thinks Overt Sexuality Gal is the coolest and keeps dressing like her, to PR's dismay. Possible material for a future episode too. :laugh

Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Mon May 29, 2017 8:57 pm 
17. Mega-Witches
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Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 7:08 am
Posts: 2689
Topics: 4
Location: Sydney, Australia
Author: Chris Cook
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters are the property of Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. Challenge of the Super Friends is the property of DC Comics
Notes: All credit to Cyd (Hermitfish), who created the Special Friends in the first place.
Also A Note: Since it was implied but never actually stated in episode five: the alien skanks weren't all identical, so Van Buren isn't just 'her' with the name filed off. Just wanted to clarify that. (If you want a mental picture, maybe Vanessa Hudgens; I've been watching Poweless, now sadly cancelled, great fun little show.)
Yet Another Note: I admit there's not actually a lot of story going on in this one, more just throwing random tomfoolery at a wall to see what sticks. But everything's got to have a shared universe nowadays, so here we are. Hope it makes you laugh.


Spin-Off Squad


“Mr. President,” the Secret Service agent announced. “Director Walsh to see you.”

“Mr. President, I’ll come straight to the point,” Maggie Walsh said, taking a seat opposite the Oval Office desk. “What if the Wonder Lesbians decided to come to Washington DC, tear off the roof of this building, and abduct you? Who would stop them?”

She spread several manilla folders on the desk, each stamped ‘top secret’.

“I propose we put together a team of our own. My Initiative has secured a number of assets who we can deploy in situations where conventional forces would be ineffective. The nature of the assets ensures deniability for the administration, and a degree of flexibility in achieving our goals. I’m sure you can see the benefits.”

She paused for a reply, then continued to pause.

“Mr. President?” she prompted eventually.

“You’re saying there’s a problem with the roof?”

“, that was a hypothetical-”

“I build the best roofs.”

“I’m sure that’s the case-”

“Great roofs. Lots of people have said that.”

“Is there somebody else I could talk to?”


“Mr. Chief of Staff, I’ll come straight to the point,” Maggie Walsh said a few minutes later. “What if the-”

“Excuse me ma’am,” an FBI agent interrupted, as two more moved around the desk, handcuffed the chief of staff, and dragged him out of the office. A moment later another official entered the office and took the vacated seat.

“Mr. Deputy Chief of Staff-” Maggie began again.

“Excuse me ma’am,” another FBI agent announced himself.


“Mr. Secretary, I’ll-”

A ringing phone interrupted Maggie.

“Excuse me, I have to take this, it might be new orders,” the secretary said apologetically, picking up the receiver. “Da?”


“These are the assets we have in custody,” Maggie explained, some time later, opening the dossiers one by one. “Amy, a.k.a. The Scarlet Bitch, a reality warper, or at least that’s what she keeps telling everyone. Van Buren, an artificially-engineered skank, the only one of her kind left after a failed alien invasion. Lilah Morgan, Lawninja, hand-to-hand litigation specialist. Marcie Ross, the Invisible Girl, completely undetectable. And the Bizarro Wonder Lesbians - they’re basically all-powerful, if they ever feel like using their powers. They broke into our prison and announced we’d conscripted them because... actually I’m not sure anybody’s figured out their logic yet. The point is, I think we can use these bad or in some cases just weird people to do some good. All we need is your authorisation.”

She shoved a form across the counter, along with a pen, and stared imploringly.

“Uh, this is a Starbucks,” the barista said nervously. “I can get you a coffee, if you want...?”

Look,” Maggie growled, “I’ve been going from building to building all night and you are literally the closest person to the Oval Office who’s not a disaster. Just please authorise my proposal.”

“The White House is seventeen miles away...”

I know.

“Can you buy a coffee? I can’t really do anything unless you buy a coffee.”

“I will buy a coffee.”

“Um, then, okay?”


The next day, a group of assorted oddballs were assembled in the workout yard of the Initiative’s Generic Ultra Secret Prison (4000 Warner Blvd, Burbank CA, buses every 14 minutes, turn right off Sth Hollywood Wy), under the watchful eye of a handsome and certainly not poorly-exercised man who seemed to have taken wardrobe inspiration from every 80’s Arnold Schwarzenegger action film.

“Alright listen up!” he yelled, flexing his shoulders and causing several pouches to spring off the various belts slung about his torso. “My codename is Gunn Show! I will be leading you people in elite commando operations! Also auto repair, if any of you are interested. Questions?”

“Question!” Bizarro Willow piped up, from Bizarro Tara’s lap. “Is auto repair process of repairing autos, or repairs that conduct selves without outside intervention?”

“Uh, the former.”

“Second question! If it was second option, what is point of conducting repairs that conduct selves?”

“Any other questions?”

“Does it count as other question if I ask same question as Bizarro Beloved?” Bizarro Tara asked.

“Okay you know what, no more questions!”

“Can we get special costumes?” Van Buren asked. “I’m wearing way too much.”

“No you’re not,” Gunn said, frowning at the handful of ragged strips the alien skank had already reduced her prison overalls to. “Also no, elite commando squads don’t just wear-”

He yelped in alarm as Bizarro Tara flew past him like a rocket, smashing a hole in the prison wall, and adding a second one beside it a moment later when she returned and dumped an assortment of sleazy stripper-wear in Van Buren’s arms.

“You know she wants to seduce your girlfriend, right?” Amy asked Bizarro Tara, while Van Buren began sorting through her new wardrobe in search of the lowest common denominator. “Or her twin, anyway.”

“This is discouraging her,” Bizarro Tara pointed out in a reasonable tone of voice, while Van Buren craned her neck over her shoulder to ensure both the top and bottom of her ass crack was visible above and below her ‘skirt’..

“Are you people done making fools of yourselves?” Gunn shouted.

“Entirely, or just for the moment?” Lilah asked from directly behind his back.

“Gah! God, woman, don’t do that!”

“I’m a ninja, gotta ninje,” she said airily, sauntering across to the rest of the team. “Also calling me ‘woman’ is disrespectful, I’m going to have to serve papers.”

“Don’t you dare- what the...?” Gunn broke off, as he discovered the hand he had been meaning to point at her was holding a court summons.


“Who is new team member?” Bizarro Willow asked, looking at the reinforced steel crate that was standing in the middle of the exercise yard with them.

“Crate Woman,” Bizarro Tara concluded. “What are Crate Woman’s powers?”

“She’s inside the crate,” Gunn growled.

“Ah,” Bizarro Tara nodded sagely. “Crate Woman’s daughter is new superhero.”

“Crate Woman must be very proud,” Bizarro Willow agreed.

“Just open the damn crate,” Gunn muttered.

“Miracle of birth happens differently on this world,” Bizarro Willow observed, as soldiers with crowbars began unsealing the front.

“This is Marcie,” Gunn said, as the crate swung open to reveal itself apparently empty. “She’s completely invisible across the entire EM spectrum, making her the perfect stealth operative. And we’re going to need stealth where we’re going.”

“Dramatic pause,” Lilah whispered into his ear.

“Ah! Stop doing that!”

“Hostile work environment...”

“We’re going,” Gunn went on, ignoring the origami shuriken subpoena sticking into his bandolier, “to infiltrate the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality.”


“Why are we doing this again?” Amy invited exposition, as the team skulked through the meeting room of the Hall of Rampant Homosexuality, currently deserted; with Snowydale currently un-menaced by supervillains, the various Gay Guardians seemed to have taken the night off.

“Director Walsh wants us to retrieve an item from the Wonder Lesbians’ laboratory,” Gunn whispered.

“What is item?” Bizarro Tara asked at full volume.

“Be stealthy!

“On Bizarro World-”

“Okay just forget it! We’re looking for a supercomputer called the...” He paused to consult his orders. “...Wonder Lesbian Analyser. The Director needs its sapphic syntax processor.”

“We have Bizarro Wonder Lesbian De-Analyser in home dimension,” Bizarro Willow said proudly.

“Just, what?” Amy asked.

“Makes lesbians more confusing,” Bizarro Tara explained. “But not work on lesbians, only straight women like us.”

“Why are we wearing these?” Lilah asked, before anyone could follow up and kick off another round of ‘on Bizarro world’. She poked at the metal scarab-like device that had been stuck to the front of her law-gi and resisted all efforts to be removed.

“They’re transmitting all your biosignals back to base,” Gunn said.

“Sounds very innocent,” Bizarro Willow muttered darkly.

“Quiet, someone’s coming!” Lilah shushed the group, who all crowded into a shadowy alcove as footsteps neared.

“...once I’ve got a good grip on my Cattle Prod of Truth, it’s game over, partner,” Cowboy Guy said as he and Nancy Gym Bunny rounded the corner. “Both hands, naturally.”

“Oh, of course mate,” Nancy Gym Bunny replied. “But you’re leavin’ yourself vulnerable to a swift kick in the cowbells. Now, me Barbells of Manliness, they’re wily buggers, can swing whichever way I need...”

“That was too close,” Gunn whispered as the muscled duo disappeared towards the super-team’s Gym of Exhibitionistic Exertion. “Marcie - bring up the rear, make sure they don’t double around and come back. Everyone else, stay close. Van Buren, you’ve been here before, which way?”

“Uh actually, I was kind of upside-down from a lasso that time,” the skank admitted sheepishly. “Didn’t get a great sense of the layout.”

“Could you not have mentioned that before now?” Lilah hissed, drawing on her zen training to hiss without needing esses.

“I’m not proud of it, okay?”

“This way is wrong way,” Bizarro Tara offered, indicating a corridor.

“Is that... what level of double-negatives is she operating on at the moment?” Amy wondered.

“Sweetie is most negative person ever,” Bizarro Willow said adoringly.

“Hell with it,” Gunn muttered. “Let’s just go.”

The team crept onwards, skulking carefully past the open door of Captain Tea Cosy’s Library of Liberty, where the champion of courtesy was busy ironing his collection of tweed suits.

“Don’t you guys miss Bizarro World?” Lilah wondered as they moved on.

“Sometimes,” Bizarro Tara said with a shrug. “But is nice to be unwelcome here.”

“On Bizarro World, still long way to go before marriage inequality is recognised everywhere,” Bizarro Willow explained.

“That makes a distressing amount of bizarro sense...”

“Can you do a silence spell, or something?” Gunn snapped at Amy.

“Sure if you want,” the self-proclaimed witch shrugged, producing her phone. “Okay lesse... I need help from six online friends to start work on a silence spell, can I friend you all and send requests? Marcie! I’m sending a friend request, okay?

“Quiet!” Gunn wailed.

“I haven’t cast the spell yet!”

Fortunately their latest nascent argument was drowned out almost immediately by a blast of hip-grindy heavy metal from a nearby suite. Gunn shook his head in despair and waved the team onward, past what proved to be Overt Sexuality Gal’s Wholesome Depravity Dorm, where she was starting her nightly poledancing workout while Princess Repression tried to write her master’s thesis in the history of resisting impure thoughts, with difficulty.

“You sure you don’t wanna join in, babe?”

“I’m not interested in displays like that,” the blonde protested, pulling a textbook onto her lap to conceal the hand sneaking under her skirt.

“I, uh, I think,” Van Buren whispered hesitantly to herself, “Overt Sexuality Gal... is kind of... sexually... interesting.” She let out a relieved sigh.

“You don’t sound convinced,” Lilah noted.

“I’m trying to develop a legitimate personality of my own,” Van Buren said. “It’s not easy, my creator engineered me solely to steal Tara’s girlfriend.”

“Well, baby steps I guess.”

“Is this the right room?” Gunn whispered.

“Uh, maybe, yeah I guess,” the skank shrugged.

“Okay, everybody inside, Marcie, guard the door.” The team crowded into the quite cramped darkened room, while Gunn wrestled Amy’s phone away from her and used it as a flashlight to examine the various bulky machines around them.

“One of these has to be the tolerance core...”

“You know, this doesn’t look a lot like the laboratory I was in,” Van Buren pondered.

“ the diversity arrays are somewhere in this...”

“I think I just trod on someone’s sock,” Amy complained.

“ the sapphic syntax processor must be in here!” Gunn concluded triumphantly, swinging open a hatch that dumped a load of clothes onto his head. Lilah sighed and flipped on the light switch.

“We’re in the laundry.”

“God dammit,” Gunn muttered, shaking a tweed posing pouch off his head. “Van Buren, where’s... Van Buren?”

Bizarro Tara knelt down beside the alien skank, who was curled up in a ball and staring in mixed awe and horror at a stylish and extremely see-through g-string that had fallen next to her, muttering “...must not break up canon couples... must not break up canon couples...”

“I think she is perfectly okay,” Bizarro Tara frowned, as Van Buren began to radiate tendrils of alien energy. The lighting in the room switched to red and a computerised voice emanated from the walls: “Warning. Breach of Kitten Protocol detected.”

“Marcie, contact the Director, we need a fix for this!” Gunn insisted.

“Uh, uh, women with, dark hair,” Van Buren muttered frantically, trying to distract herself. “And uh, very tall, uh, and sparing with words...”

“Marcie! Damn it, are you there?”

“So hey, just putting this out there,” Lilah said. “How do you know she was ever there?”

“She’s been with us since we all assembled at the Generic Ultra Secret Prison!”

“Crate Woman’s daughter is missing?” Bizarro Willow asked worriedly.

“Even if she was in that crate to begin with-”

“Of course she was! You all saw, I mean didn’t see her!”

“-what was it you thought was going to stop her just wandering off on her own whenever she felt like it?”

“She’s wearing a bio-monitor same as all of you!”

“You saw her put one on?”

“Well... I mean... oh god dammit!”

“Hey, we’re supposed to be stealthy,” Amy sniped petulantly.

“...the bleedin’ hell’s going on?” Nancy Gym Bunny’s voice echoed through the corridor outside.

“Abort!” Gunn yelled. “Amy, get us out of here!”

“Fine!” she shouted, snatching back her phone. “Can I share your email address with an advertising partner-”

“Yes! Okay!”

“Don’t have to get all salty about it, jeez,” she muttered, waving her free hand vaguely. “Microtransaction for geomancy, okay... it’s Arctica for north and Antarctica for south, right...?”



“...Arctica does exist on Bizarro World,” Bizarro Willow explained helpfully as the team rematerialised. “But under threat from global cooling as skyrocketing penguin populations push icebergs underwater with cumulative weight...”

“Just tell me we’re still on the same planet,” Gunn whimpered, keeping his eyes closed.

“Mr. Gunn?” Director Walsh asked. He looked around to find they had appeared in the middle of Initiative Headquarters, which seemed to have recently been remodelled with a substantial helping of mad science.

“What the heck is that?” Amy wondered, pointing at a technological cocoon in the middle of the chamber.

“Looks like device designed to draw on readings from bio-monitors during pointless mission in order to create gestalt superpowered monster,” Bizarro Willow mused. “But may be wrong, am not scientist.”

“So sexy when being not smart,” Bizarro Tara purred, hugging her from behind.

“Okay, I know this looks bad,” Walsh said, “but Project Frankenlesbian-”

The cocoon exploded to reveal a ten-foot-tall cyborg women, who roared “Destroy all humans!” and advanced on the team.

“You were saying?” Gunn glared at Walsh.

“I mean honestly I was expecting it to go off the rails around about day three or four,” she admitted.

“We must save weird non-backwards Earth!” Bizarro Tara insisted, grabbing the rest of the team and pulling them into a huddle. “I have plan. Everybody do uncoordinated and pointless actions, now!”

“Wait, what?”

“BIZARRO WONDER LESBIAN POWERS ACTIVATE!” she and Bizarro Willow shouted, rolling onto their backs and touching their feet together in mid-air. “FORM OF A MECHANICAL SQUIRREL!”

“Just attack the thing!” Lilah yelled, producing a handful of non-disclosure sais out of nowhere and hurling them at Frankenlesbian’s head.

“Pay-to-win gravity bomb!” Amy intoned, holding her phone upside-down and accidentally casting a lightning storm that missed its reeling target and hit the cocoon instead.

“Inappropriate advances!” Van Buren shouted, coming out of her self-induced catatonic state and throwing her underwear at the monster’s legs. It tripped as it staggered backwards, toppling back into its cocoon, which closed around it.

“Are we doing plan now?” the Bizarro Squirrel asked. “Yes?” It transformed back into the bewildered Bizarro Wonder Lesbians, who joined the others in peering through the cocoon’s viewport.

“The important thing,” Walsh spoke up, as the entombed monster curled up and went to sleep inside, “is that nobody almost accidentally created a world-ending menace. Are we agreed on that?”

“Of course,” both Bizarros said at once, before anyone else could object.

“Okay, good mission, stand down team,” Walsh went on quickly. “Return to barracks and await new orders - hey come back here!”

“Yeah no,” Lilah said over her shoulder. “You guys wanna knock a wall down so we can escape?”

“No,” Bizarro Tara said in confusion. Lilah blinked, then sighed.

“Can you please not knock a wall down so we can escape? Not escape. However many negatives make you happy.”

“Soo, how are we going to explain this in the report to Washington?” Gunn wondered as he and Walsh watched the team saunter away through the wall Bizarro Willow and Tara demolished for them.

“Um,” the Director muttered, slumping into a chair. “I guess... Do you want a latte? I think if we buy enough coffee it’ll be alright.”


“Extra shot for yours?”


Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

Last edited by Artemis on Sun Jul 16, 2017 6:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2017 7:22 am 
10. Troll Hammer
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Location: Seattle, WA
Chris!! This is just what I needed on a Tuesday morning after a long weekend.

I got stares from people on the train, I was giggling so much. WORTH IT.

Your accurate capturing of the state of our current US government was both hilarious and tear-inducing. (Oh, gawd, we're all gonna die...).

Thanks for this awesomely ridiculous short!

More! More!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Check out some of my most popular works: Special ... Leave It to Giles ... The Inimitable Giles ... Giles at Christmas

Challenge Fics!: You Could Be Her ... Glasses ... Graffiti ... Pizza Day

Forbidden Fics?: Check out the Litterbox!

Oops, I made a mythtake... wt4ever

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Fri Jun 02, 2017 10:56 pm 
9. Gay Now
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Joined: Sat Sep 24, 2011 7:45 pm
Posts: 951
Topics: 15
Location: Beyond the orbit of Mars and accelerating...

I'm confused.

Was that the plan?
If so: worked great!

“All I feel is sunlight. All I hear is music.” Willow
How i Met Your Mother - By Ariel

My Story: Coming Home

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Sat Jun 03, 2017 2:59 am 
17. Mega-Witches
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Thanks guys :grin That was a really random one - to tell the truth, the genesis of it was actually Van Buren, it just strikes me as a funny name, and once I realised that she hadn't been wiped out along with the others (I didn't plan that, it just didn't occur to me while I was writing the Valentine's adventure that she was still being held captive at the end) I started wondering about ways to 'reform' her so she could show up again. At the same time, there was a practical purpose, since I was worried that with all the additions I'd made the Legion was starting to become oversized, so this was an excuse to sideline the Bizarros and Amy. Also I'd been meaning to bring Gunn into the picture somehow for a while, since I have kind of introduced a whole lot of new female characters I thought I should balance the scale. (I did briefly consider him being in the Amyverse, with him and Fred being that reality's resident superheroes, but didn't go through with it.)

Speaking of getting back to basics, I've sketched out a rough plan for the next episode: Secret Origin of the Special Friends! :bounce (It'll have something like a coherent plot in it, I promise.)

Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2017 8:51 am 
3. Flaming O
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Joined: Tue May 03, 2005 6:07 pm
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Oh. My. God. Chris.

My sides... they hurt so bad! That was hilarious - your sense of humor tickles me to no end.

Seriously, I love your work. You have imagination for days - weeks, possibly (ions) <-- that was so bad... Edited: Eons! sheesh :blush

Can I siphon your brain? Just a little...


 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 6:01 pm 
17. Mega-Witches
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Thanks! :grin Brain-siphoning...? Well, I'm probably not using all of it, so sure, why not - I can always refill the W/T-obsessed parts by staring at the gifs at the bottom of the page here for a while :wtkiss

Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2017 7:48 pm 
17. Mega-Witches
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Topics: 4
Location: Sydney, Australia
Author: Chris Cook
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters are the property of Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. Challenge of the Super Friends is the property of DC Comics
Notes: All credit to Cyd (Hermitfish), who created the Special Friends in the first place.


Secret Origin of the Special Friends


‘Twas several nights before Christmas, and on the main street, a trio of asshats were shortly to meet...

And meet they did, as Jonathan, not looking where he was going because he was imagining himself promenading along being cheered and propositioned by passers-by instead of ignored, walked straight into Warren, who wasn’t looking where he was going because he was an inconsiderate jerk, the pair joined a moment later by Andrew, who had been following Warren too closely to stop once they tripped over each other, because he was staring at Warren’s backside.

“Ow!” “Hey!” “Get off me!” “That was your fault!” “You ran into me!!” “Whose hand is that on my butt?!” “Not mine!”

As the three wobbled to their feet and fixed their weaselly gazes on one another, irritation and general hostility towards everything that wasn’t themselves slowly and begrudgingly gave way to something that could be mistaken, in a poor light, for fellow feeling, as each recognised in the others a nature as petty, spiteful, and maladjusted as their own. The good folk of Snowydale, avoiding the trio on principle (and because Jonathan had spent so much time fantasising about being fashionably dressed that he hadn’t gotten around to washing the clothes he actually had), went about their Christmas shopping, unaware that in their midst a criminal enterprise of unparalleled unpleasantness had shambled awkwardly into existence.


“And in local news,” the television which Snowydale Library’s resident librarian had, after much grousing, allowed to be installed in the common room at the behest of his assistant, droned, “the First Bank of Snowydale fell victim to a robbery overnight.”

“Good gracious!” said librarian exclaimed, in a manner which surely would have caused his monocle to pop out had he been wearing one.

“A trio of masked bandits calling themselves the ‘Legion of Malice’ broke in with the aid of a lockpicking device the security guard described as ‘some kind of nonsense science fiction crap’-”

“Buffy! Prepare the Reasonably-Priced Automobile of Unassumingness!”

“Uh, okay,” Buffy, the aforementioned assistant, shrugged. “I mean I can put the keys in the ignition if you want, that’s about as prepared as a car gets?”

“The thieves stole a large safe,” the TV reporter went on, “lifting it with their bare hands-”

“That sounds kind of dangerous,” Buffy worried.

“Nevertheless,” Giles said, assuming a determined scowl, “the people of this fair township shall not have their festive cheer dampered by vile larceny!”

“-although bank officials later confirmed that it was in fact a papier-mache model used for advertising, and no actual money was taken by this Legion of Impractical Malice,” the reporter joked.

“Oh,” Giles deflated.

“Still, that’s attempted villainy,” Buffy pointed out. “And sounds like maybe a count of Mad Science too. I feel like we should be discouraging that sort of thing.”

“Yes, quite right,” Giles nodded, squaring his shoulders again, and striding towards a bookcase behind the library desk. A tug on the spine of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone - which was convenient for the purposes of concealing super-heroic mechanisms, because Giles refused to let anyone borrow it, giving them instead one of a stack of imported Philosopher’s Stone copies he had imported in a fit of British indignation - caused the entire bookcase, heroic librarian included, to revolve around, replacing by way of your standard hero costume switching device his normal tweed suit with the different (he insisted) tweed suit of Captain Tea Cosy.

“Now then,” he said, arming the tea cannons secreted in the wrists of his jacket, “let us battle evil! In a sensible manner, naturally.”


“ this Legion of Impractical Malice,” an entirely different reporter was saying on the radio, demonstrating a deplorable lack of originality in journalistic quips, as a hybrid car crossed the Snowydale city limits, its roof laden with suitcases and its tyres with the dust of a cross-country trip.

“Sounds like we-all arrived jus’ in time!” the cowboy-hatted man in the passenger seat grinned, leaning back for a high-five with the leatherclad lady sprawled across the back seat.

“I was hoping to hit up some bars first,” she snickered, “but sure, one way of stretching the legs is as good as any other.”

“I still say mah buckin’ bronco would’a got us here faster,” the cowboy said. “Why, I been up to a hundred-plus miles’n hour on that varmint!”

“Yeah but you can’t steer it, Cowboy Guy,” the brunette woman snorted.

“Yuh, I do get a mite distracted when the buckin’ starts, cain’t rightly argue with that.”

“A-and that’s not really how I’d like to travel,” the blonde driving the car put in.

“I’d give it a shot if he swung my way,” the brunette grinned. “But yeah, each to their own. Appreciate the ride, T. Any time you want me to return the favour...?”

“You d-don’t have a car.”

“But I am a great ride,” she offered.

“Uhm, thanks, but n-no thanks.”


“Pardon me,” Captain Tea Cosy courteously enquired of a helpful-looking passerby in the festively-decorated plaza of Snowydale Mall, “but I find myself engaged in a mission to right wrongs committed by a particular individual, and pursuant to that mission I must gather certain details of their identities in order to-”

“Have you seen these idiots?” Buffy interrupted, holding up a printout of the security footage from the bank sort-of-heist.

“Uh, that one looks kind of familiar,” the passerby in question replied. “I think maybe I saw him at that Star Trek group thingy Xander dragged me along to, before he started hanging around that mansion up in the hills. They meet in the back room of the card game shop, it’s not far, I can show you if you’d like?”

“Your courteous and good-hearted assistance is most appreciated, kind ma’am.”

“Thanks,” Buffy translated. “He’s Captain Tea Cosy, I’m Buffy.”

“Willow,” the redhead introduced herself.


“Affirmative,” a man wearing plastic Vulcan ears nodded, once Willow had led the duo to him. “That’s Andrew - he applied for a posting on USS Snowydale a couple of months ago.”

“He’s a member?”

“No, he failed his Starfleet Ethics test. Big time.”


Elsewhere in the mall a similar scene was playing out, as the out-of-town heroes likewise sought information on the Legion, which thus far had led them to Beans ‘n’ Bookworms literature coffee shop, and the weekly dramatic reading session of the Comic Book Fanfic Society therein, who were admiring Cowboy Guy’s costume.

“’ my pardner, Miss Overt Sexuality Gal-”

“That’s me,” the brunette grinned, ‘accidentally’ undoing another button on her already severely-unbuttoned top and mentally tallying the number of people in the room whose attention wasn’t fixed solely on Cowboy Guy’s rodeo-toned physique.

“-reckoned, these varmints sure seem ta be fixin’ theyselves to act like super-villains, an’ who better to consult regardin’ suchlike than them who write the books on it?”

“I uh, I haven’t seen these other two, Mr Guy,” the group’s leading aficionado of wild west heroes, who had enthusiastically appointed himself spokesman of the moment, said. “But this one, yeah, we know him - his name’s Jonathan, he used to hang around here. Only nobody liked his work...”

“Every superhero he invented was just a blatant self-insert,” the nineties anti-hero expert put in, hoping to catch Overt Sexuality Gal’s roving eye.


Having gathered such intel as was available from the Trekkies, and (obviously) not yet having stumbled upon the fanfic crowd on their own, Captain Tea Cosy and Buffy had followed Willow’s suggestion of posting a notice appealing for information, which seemed to have paid off in double quick time, as no sooner had Buffy stuck their hastily-annotated printout to the noticeboard by the supermarket, a blonde stopped abruptly in front of it, and moved closer to inspect it.

“Do you know them?” Buffy leapt in at once, startling her somewhat.

“Uh, n-no. I was, actually, these are th-the Impractical Malice people, from the bank robbery?”

“Indeed, and Captain Tea Cosy shall not rest until they have been meted out just punishment for their transgressions!”

“Sorry, he’s a superhero,” Buffy grinned sheepishly. “Proclaiming’s a big thing.”

“It’s, it’s okay,” the blonde smiled shyly. “I actually know a couple myself, so... hi...” She trailed off, as Willow bustled up from the copy centre with more notices in hand, which she promptly dropped.

“Hi!” she squeaked.

“This is Willow, she’s helping us,” Buffy explained.

“Hi!” Willow squeaked again.

“H-hi. I’m, I’m Tara. Um.” She took a deep breath, and in glancing around for inspiration noticed the pile of papers swirling about Willow’s feet. “Oh um, let me help? With those?”

“With what... oh!” Willow jolted, as if noticing the pages for the first time. “Oops, I didn’t mean, was that me?” The pair both crouched down to tidy them up, ending up face to face and very close together, which seemed to slow the tidying process to a glacial crawl once their gazes locked.

“Did you say you know superheroes?” Buffy interrupted. “I didn’t know there were any others around here.”

“I’ve not encountered any previously,” Captain Tea Cosy put in, “but newfound allies in the fight against injustice would be most welcome.”

“Um, we’re, we’re from out of town,” Tara explained, reluctantly looking away from Willow, who continued to gather up the notices scattered between them as slowly as she could contrive. “They, rather, I’m not a hero, I’m just... they’re friends, and I have a car. So...” She looked back at Willow. “M-maybe we should, we should meet? I mean, them, and your heroes - join forces?”

“I’d love to,” Willow smiled in a daze. “I mean, what I mean,” she added a moment later, as realisation set in, “I’m not actually with them, myself - not that I’m not,” she hastily assured Buffy and Captain Tea Cosy, “I’m totally pro-hero, one hundred percent support, hero ally here, I just don’t want to set myself up as, as if I’m speaking for you, because,” she looked back at Tara, “the honest truth is I just met them today and was helping show them around, and with the photocopies and stuff, but I think, what you said, we should, yes. Can we?” she appealed over her shoulder to Buffy.

She gave an accepting shrug and looked in turn at Captain Tea Cosy, but before he could reply a buzzing sound emanated from his pocket.

“The Peril Pager!” he exclaimed, taking out the device and reading its tiny screen.

“A pager?” Willow asked incredulously.

“I know,” Buffy lamented. “I’ve tried to get him a smartphone but he just... you know heroes, you know?” she asked Tara, who nodded sympathetically.

“Ladies,” Captain Tea Cosy interrupted, “with much regret I must bid you good day - except you Buffy, obviously. It seems the miscreants have been sighted entering the Mardi Gras Muscle Gym with what can only be assumed to be nefarious intent!”

“I-I could have my friends meet you there?” Tara offered.

“I’ll keep looking for leads on them and let you know anything I find so can I give you my number so you can get in touch with me?” Willow asked in a dizzyingly rapid burst.

You’d need to call us,” Buffy pointed out. “Here, lemme get my phone...”

“H-here?” Tara said, holding out her own phone, with the number showing. “In case... um, you might be battling them?” she suggested to Buffy, trying her best to make it seem like she had had that idea before offering Willow her number.

“I will,” Willow promised. “Call I mean. With info, when I find it, which will be soon. You’re not, you won’t be doing the superhero job’s-done-vanish-into-thin-air thing?” she added, with a pleading look in her eyes.

“No vanishing,” Tara assured her.


The festive gaiety of the Mardi Gras Muscle Gym’s carols-remixed-with-Queen soundtrack screeched to a halt as Andrew flipped the stylus off the retro-chic record player (furtively glancing at his comrades to see if they might notice him pinching the record itself), while Warren and Jonathan advanced with a cumbersome homemade gadget held between them.

“Alright losers,” Warren screeched, projecting his own faults onto others as usual, “hand over the weight sets!”

“So we can hook them up to a genetic rescrambler and give ourselves the perfectly toned bodies of the impressive alpha males we actually are on the inside and totally deserve to look like without doing any real work!” Jonathan helpfully exposited.

“Small weights, if you’ve got any?” Andrew added, since he had been voted as weight-carrier in their getaway plan.

“Oi!” a ridiculously oiled and sculpted muscleman shouted, making his way to the front of the crowd of confused fitness enthusiasts observing this bizarre spectacle. “Put me record back, and keep your greasy mitts of the hardware! If you’re not gonna do the hard work for biceps like these-” He flexed, much to the admiration of his fellows “-then you don’t deserve them. So sod off!”

“I expected one of you nancy gym bunnies might choose to antagonise us!” Warren gloated.

“Aren’t we the antagonists?” Jonathan wondered, in a rare moment of self-awareness.

Shut up and aim. This is a fully functional demotivation projector,” he went on at the top of his voice, hefting his end of the weapon onto his shoulder to try to support its weight. “So if you’re not going to cooperate with us, get used to sitting on your couch all day eating potato crisps because self-improvement seems like too much work! ...not that I’d know anything about that.”

“I thought that’s why we used your brainscan to program it?” Jonathan asked.

“I’ll show you wankers Nancy Gym Bunny, take your best shot!” the muscleman dared them, hefting a surprisingly large weight in one hand like a club.

“Where’s the on switch, Andrew where did you put the on switch?!” Warren demanded, frantically messing with his device’s control pad.

“Not so fast, villain!” Captain Tea Cosy’s voice rang out, as a biscuit tray spun across the gym and ricocheted off Warren’s head, although to little effect since as usual he wasn’t using it.

“Yeah!” Overt Sexuality Gal added, dropping ninja-like down from the skylight. “The only shot you creeps will be taking is a mug shot! One of the comic book people suggested a few quips,” she added in an undertone to Cowboy Guy, who had swung down on his lasso to land beside her.

“Well spoke, little lady,” he grinned, “but there’s a time for quippin’ and a time for wh... whhh- whuppin’, and I calkerlate it’s the latter right now!”

“Couldn’t drop the accent even for the rhyme?” Overt Sexuality Gal chuckled.

“Shucks, it just don’t feel right not ter be me.”

“You keep on being you,” she grinned, patting him on his farmwork-honed shoulder.

“Oh for- how many of you freaks are there?!” Warren whined.

“Just zap them!” Andrew wailed, as the various participants lined up to do battle.

“Cop this!” “Crumpet pitch!” “Yee-haw!” “Blinding flash!” “Oh I say. Buffy did you see what that young lady did- Buffy, are you alright?” “Yyyyes, f-fine!”


Outside the gym Tara, waiting patiently in the car, jumped slightly as Willow skidded to a halt by the car door.

“Did I startle you? Sorry! I was going to ring, but I thought, you’re here, all the heroes are here, this would be quicker and I could come see you, I mean everyone, hi again. Hi.”

“Hi,” Tara grinned nervously, reaching to roll down the window, then changing her mind and opening the door instead. “I was hoping you’d come. Here, I mean. I was, was thinking about you, coming- um, d-did you find something?”

“Two somethings actually,” Willow explained, stepping back, but not very far, as Tara got out of the car. “First, I tracked down this other guy, the one who was kind of acting like the boss of these idiots? Took some doing since, well, he doesn’t really seem to have mixed much in the usual social circles - Bronze, Espresso Pump, Magic Box-”

“You have a magic shop? You’ll have to show me around after all this.”

“Uh, okay!” Willow gasped, turning red as she glanced over Tara’s shoulder down the street, where the sign for ‘Magic Box Lesbian Emporium’ was visible in the distance. “Anyway, but no, he - thankfully - never went to any of those, but I did finally find someone who recognised him: his name’s Warren, he used to be a member of the Snowydale Antisocial Delusional Jerk Club, but they kicked him out.”

“Did they say why?”

“Yeah uh, quote, ‘being an asshole’, end quote. Oh also, I did some sleuthing to try to figure out where they got the parts for the gadget they used to break into the bank, and it turns out various other odds and ends went missing from local tech shops lately, which if you were to put them all together - and were a really not-very-nice person - you could make a-”


Both women ducked behind the car as the demotivator beam sliced through the gym’s wall, causing the mortar to give up trying and create a hole through which the Legion of Impractical Malice beat an undignified retreat back to a poorly-maintained van double-parked in a handicap space nearby, which sped off in a cloud of poor engine maintenance smoke.

“-one of those, demotivation projector,” Willow finished, as the heroes tumbled out of the gym after them, and haphazardly divided themselves between Tara’s and Captain Tea Cosy’s cars, which owing to the latter being a compact two-seater naturally led to quite a cramped situation in Tara’s.

“Hey babe,” Overt Sexuality Gal grinned at Buffy, who had wound up between her and Cowboy Guy in the back seat, and what with the width of his shoulders taking up half the car was pressed up against her rather tightly. “So I noticed you noticing me in there?”

“N-no I didn’t,” Buffy whimpered, squirming in a way that, an observer might have noted, didn’t actually result in her moving away at all. Cowboy Guy jumped in surprise as a spark of energy leapt off Buffy’s shoulder and earthed itself on his hat.

“Y-you figured out what they built,” Tara asked Willow, “just from the parts?”

“I’m doing a degree in omniscience,” Willow said, blushing slightly. “I’m actually working on a plane based on some theories I’ve got about light refraction and dimensional bending, but that’s a ways off.”

“That sounds really advanced,” Tara said admiringly, very nearly succumbing to the temptation to take her eyes off the road and gaze at her passenger instead, but not, because she was a sensible and conscientious driver - far more so than Captain Tea Cosy, who with Nancy Gym Bunny rather than Buffy as navigator had reverted to driving on the left side of the road, and was consequently lagging behind.

“I mean, it’s kind of fancy I suppose,” Willow went on, glowing at Tara’s praise. “But, I really focus on the tech side, so there are gaps in the more, you know, natural sciences...”

“Tara here’s a right geen-yus at them,” Cowboy Guy put in helpfully. “She done got degrees in per-sychology, animal behaivyoor, anthropology...”

“It’s nice when people can fill in each other’s gaps,” Overt Sexuality Gal added, making Buffy tremble, while Willow and Tara both caught her meaning and blushed.

“I dabble,” Tara admitted, casting a brief glance Willow’s way, and finding her doing the same, tentatively smiling.

“L-looks like they’re making for the old town hall!” Buffy announced, desperately trying to distract herself from Faith, who wasn’t making it easy by murmuring “if you know what I mean” in her ear.


“Okay that didn’t go as planned,” Jonathan whimpered, hastily barricading the door of the disused old town hall as Warren and Andrew rummaged through the cardboard boxes that comprised the Legion’s lair. “But we just need a new plan, and then...”

He trailed off in the hope that somebody else would do the heavy lifting of completing the sentence with a useful idea, leaving it, as usual, to Warren to make a bad situation worse.

“We can use this!” the Legion’s sorry excuse for a leader proclaimed, holding aloft a battered and misshapen lump of plastic.

“Is that Megatron?” Andrew enquired, with a sceptical frown.

“Yes! Kind of,” Warren temporised, as Jonathan picked up the toy’s carelessly-opened packaging and studied it.

“This says ‘Magatron’,” he pointed out.

“Okay fine, yes it’s a cheap unlicensed knock-off,” Warren spat, as tire screeches from outside heralded the imminent arrival of the heroes, “but who cares? We zap this in Andrew’s Embiggening Chamber, and it’ll get rid of those clowns and solve all our problems for us! Without us needing to put in any effort!”

“That is the best way to solve problems,” Andrew agreed hesitantly, flinching as the thud of a barbell shook the front door.

“...lemme lean down and try to pick the lock...” Overt Sexuality Gal’s voice came from outside.

“But- you know what, no,” Jonathan said, shaking his head. “No, it’s a step too far - only a truly awful, irredeemable asshat-”

“-hey B, getting a good view from back there?” “No I wasn’t, I mean, didn’t look, I don’t, leather pants and, I’m not into, didn’t see you shake your hips, and, and, and-”

“-would besmirch the legacy of the great and powerful Megatron-”

”Oops, these pants are so tight, and hey did you notice my mistletoe tattoo on my back down there, ‘tis the season if you want...”

“-leader of the Decepticons, who I always thought were kind of misunderstood, I wrote a fanfic about it once because actually if you ignore all the parts of canon that don’t line up with my personal biases-”


Warren and Jonathan ducked as a beam of suppressed desire blew the doors off their hinges and, in passing, smacked Andrew into the far wall, although luckily it was the doors that hit him not the energy itself, because nobody wants to see that.

“Do it do it do it!” Jonathan waited, struggling with Warren to shove the shameful knock-off toy into the embiggening chamber as quickly as possible.


“...Overt Sexuality Gal wasn’t fussy,” Tara stifled a giggle as she realised the double-entendre, “she just thought it’d be nice to be on the west coast, and I’d actually had it in mind to visit Snowydale for a while, and Christmas seemed a good occasion. Does it actually snow?”

“No,” Willow admitted apologetically, “it’s just, I read the town founders wanted a ski resort, but couldn’t get any land up in the mountains, so... sorry.”

“That’s okay,” Tara smiled. “I’m glad I came anyway.”

“Me too,” Willow beamed. With the car vacated of superheroes the pair had moved to the more comfortable back seat, and had in rapid succession progressed from sitting side by side to leaning into one another to Willow resting her head in Tara’s lap as Tara stroked her hair which proved surprisingly (or, in fact, not all that surprisingly) effective at occupying their attention despite the antics going on outside.

“I am too,” Tara smiled down at her. “So do you, do you have plans after, um...”

“After they defeat the bad guys?” Willow said at once? “No no plans, either social or romantic, in the sense that I’m not seeing anyone at the moment, at all, I’m available, there’s a little cinema downtown have you seen Chance there’s a special showing if maybe you’d like to?”

“I uh, meant, after you graduate - with the omniscience, and all that,” Tara blushed, “but s-since you mention it-”

Unfortunately even such a ridiculous level of besotted adoration couldn’t entirely blank out the spectacle of a giant poorly-manufactured robot bursting through the roof of the old town hall, which is what happened at that moment.

“What’n tarnation is that?” Cowboy Guy hollered, as he and the other heroes vaulted over the car and crouched behind it, except for Captain Tea Cosy who maintained a proper carriage of himself even in retreat, simply accelerating his leisurely saunter as much as possible.

“Giant crapheap?” Overt Sexuality Gal guessed, as they made room for Willow and Tara, who bailed out of the car, to stay in the middle of the group and be shielded by them.

“I’m wonderin’ if mebbe we’ve bit off more than we can chew,” Nancy Gym Bunny admitted, watching as the robot took a shuddering step forward, through the building’s facade, with the conscious members of the Legion cheering it on from behind Andrew, who was still out of it.

“The situation does seem somewhat dire,” Captain Tea Cosy admitted.

“We got us a right pickle, thet’s fer sure,” Cowboy Guy spoke up.

“I’d rather be here with you blokes than over there with those pricks though,” Nancy Gym Bunny agreed.

“As champions of tolerance and decency toward all, it behooves us to recognise the natural bonds of bonhomie that unite us.”

“We’re friends,” Buffy translated.

“Special friends?” Overt Sexuality Gal asked, licking her lips.

“Can we help?” Willow asked.

“We’re with you,” Tara agreed, taking Willow’s hand - and as they did, time froze, and a chorus of angelic voices sounded behind them. Taking a moment to get over their shock at their suddenly-motionless friends, and the likewise still giant robot menacing them, Willow and Tara stood and slowly moved towards the source of the song, a cocoon of rainbow light slowly forming in the street.

“Hi ladies!” a cheerful voice said, and the light flowed into the form of a woman who beamed - literally - with beauty as she drifted to the ground and surveyed the temporarily paused scene. “Wow. Leave it to asshats to screw up a perfectly good day, right?”

“Wh-who are you?” Tara wondered.

“Look there,” she replied with a wink, pointing to Willow and Tara’s hands, which were still firmly joined.

That’s who I am,” she went on. “Since time began - that’s where I was born, and where I always am. Where any gay ladies, such as yourselves, can find me, so long as they just... love.”

“The Great Lesbian,” Tara realised.

“At your service! Embodiment of all that’s Sapphic and spectacular, and eternal ally to everyone else whose love of whatever sort makes the world go ‘round. We’re all in this together, after all. But,” she huffed, “some people just have to ignore that and be selfish jerks, so every once in a while love has to kick some butt. By way of,” she fixed the pair with a meaningful look, “appropriately angelic champions of goodwill and hot gay love?”

Willow and Tara looked at each other, gazed, and slowly smiled.

“She’s right,” Tara said.

“Extremely right,” Willow agreed. Slowly, and reluctantly, she turned back to the shimmering figure. “What can we do?”

“Receive your gifts,” she smirked, “from the lips of the source of truest love.” The pair looked at her for a moment in confusion, then realisation dawned, and they turned back to each other.

“Yeah little test there,” the Great Lesbian admitted as they kissed. “Passed with flying colours. Now go be wonderful!”


The newly-minted Special Friends jumped in surprise as, from their point of view, Willow and Tara vanished from among them and instantly reappeared a short distance away, clad in matching blue and green superhero costumes that were exceedingly flattering to their deserving physiques, and quite oblivious to everything else as they kissed.

“Uh, you two got something you wanna share?” Overt Sexuality Gal asked, eyeing the duo in a way that made Buffy instantly contemplate getting herself a costume, then clamping down on that thought, with little success. Willow and Tara paused - reluctantly, as they were just getting to the part where their hands had started wandering in earnest - and took in the scene of the rampaging robot ahead of them.

“Let’s do this?” Willow asked, keeping hold of Tara’s hand.

“With you all the way,” Tara smiled.

“Could you all be ready to take down the malicious idiots?”

“Sure thing,” Cowboy Guy nodded, “but I hope y’all got a mighty impressive trick up yer sleeves for dealin’ with thet thar robotchamacallit critter.”

“No problem at all,” Tara said confidently, which made Willow’s knees go weak. She recovered as they held up their hands, met each other’s gazes, and sang out-


In a transformation as sparkly and rainbow-hued as it was possible for a transformation to be, the pair took the form of a giant and shapely robot garbed in a metallic red dress (and matching metallic underwear, as observed by Overt Sexuality Gal who didn’t even try to resist the temptation to look up and check), sexy black rocket-boots, and a reinforced Santa hat.

Well this is pretty cool Willow’s consciousness communicated telepathically with Tara’s within their newly-merged super-form. How’re you doing?

Not what I imagined doing with myself today, Tara thought back gleefully, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say, coming to Snowydale was the best move of my life.

Glad to hear it - because I’ve got some other ideas about what we might do with ourselves... hey can you read my thoughts while we’re like this?

Oh yes sweetie. Let’s beat up the bad guys and get to enjoying that, wow, very ingenious imagination of yours.

The fantastic fembot strode forward to meet the menacing faux-former as it lurched into the street, while the rest of the Special Friends rushed between their legs to apprehend the asshat trio as they argued about what to do about this new and demoralising (to them and only them) development. A swift rocket-boosted knee to the groin followed by a precision robot-punch to the jaw sent not-Megatron reeling, but the Festivebot clamped a hand around its wrist to conscientiously keep it from falling on the town hall and doing any further damage.

“You should have more respect for our civic buildings!” it snapped, in Willow and Tara’s combined voices. “Especially since you’ll be staying in one, as soon as we build a jail big enough-”

Actually is this thing alive? Tara wondered telepathically

Not sure, lemme just invent a way to use our combined brainpower to give us robo-sensors capable of detecting life on a soul-based level... okay done, nope, it’s just a crummy machine, let’s wreck it.

I’ve got an idea, can I borrow some of your science genius to make this work?

Baby, you can help yourself to anything you like.

“Later, sweetie,” the Festivebot accidentally said out loud. “Oops... I mean, Dreaming of a White Christmas Generator, engaged!”

With an athletic cartwheel the adorable mecha swung its hapless opponent around and into the sky, where it made a perfect target for the molecular transmutation ray that emerged from its ample cleavage, reducing the robot to a fine mist of ice crystals that spread out above Snowydale and, at last, provided the soft blanket of Christmas snow the town had always lacked. As the snowflakes fell to the delight of citizens young and old, Warren - being led away none-too-gently by Captain Tea Cosy - muttered a derisive “Bah humdrum,” because he was too lazy to actually read books, and just repeated lines he’d picked up second-hand to try to seem cool.


“Snowydale owes you a great debt, Captain Tea Cosy,” the Chief of Police said, slightly muffled by the Santa Claus beard he was wearing because there really wasn’t much for the police to do in a town with superheroes in residence besides keep an eye on the traffic and help run fundraisers. “You’ve kept us safe for many years, but never have we seen villains so unsavoury as these Impractical Malice rogues.”

“I’d not have prevailed without my newfound Special Friends,” Giles said gracefully. “I’m just sorry we didn’t wrap up this disgraceful business sooner, before the old town hall was damaged.”

“Well we haven’t had much use for the place anyway, since the Mayor turned himself into a garden snake by accident all those years ago,” the Chief admitted. “But since you mention it, I’ve been having a word with the community leaders, and we’re agreed that - should you wish - we’d like to take advantage of the rebuilding here to create a suitably fabulous residence and headquarters for you all, to show the esteem in which we hold our Gay Guardians.”

“Can we have bunk beds?” Overt Sexuality Gal asked quickly. “Whattaya say Princess, you want to be on top or on the bottom?”

“I didn’t realise you were, um, versatile,” Buffy said, trying not to shiver.

“Oh I go all sorts of ways...”

“We got enough room for a gym?” Nancy Gym Bunny wondered, as Buffy struggled to restrain her imagination.

“Looks like plenty,” Willow mused, unrolling the old building plan the Chief had provided on the town hall’s meeting table and starting to sketch in new rooms. “Main meeting room for devising heroic strategies, laboratory here, the gym can be here-”

“Looks like enough room fer mah buckin’ bronco!” Cowboy Guy grinned. “I’ll telegraph mah folks and have ‘em send it right over!”

“Telegraph?” Buffy wondered.

“He knows about phones,” Tara clarified. “He just likes the ambience. Oh hey sweetie, look!”

“Oh wow, there’s a whole cave network under here,” Willow said, peering at the plans. “‘Cave of Non-Stop Sapphic Monkey Love’...?”

“That sounds extremely spelunkable,” Tara breathed, leaning closer.

“You do quirky verb conjugation as well,” Willow whispered, utterly entranced.

“Then it’s settled,” Giles declared. “I shall miss the familiar environs of the old library, but a greater destiny awaits! Let us erect-” “Yee-haw!” “Oh, real mature mate.” “-our Hall of Rampant Homosexuality, and be forever the guardians of truth, justice, tolerance, and love in the land of Snowydale!”


Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Wed Dec 20, 2017 2:36 pm 
Ms. Moderator Fantastico
Ms. Moderator Fantastico
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“-leader of the Decepticons, who I always thought were kind of misunderstood, I wrote a fanfic about it once because actually if you ignore all the parts of canon that don’t line up with my personal biases-”

:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl

Everybody loves an origin story and this didn't disappoint! You really write this style so well, it's genius. Awesome christmas present to get to read this!

Amber Benson killed me once.

Check out my finished fics

Current Series: College Confidential ... Adult Confidential ... Hacker Confidential ... Family Confidential

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Sat Dec 23, 2017 3:02 am 
17. Mega-Witches
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Thanks :grin It kind of became a Christmas gift by accident - I'd had the basic idea in mind for a while, and it just happened to be at the front of my brain when I started trying to think of something to do for Christmas. Fun fact, originally - before I went looking for excuses to shove in anything Christmassy I could think of - Willow and Tara were going to counter the crummy knock-off Megatron by turning into Optimism Prime. But the Special Friends were created for Christmas, so it seems fitting their not-especially-secret origin happened now.

(One other thing I had in mind, but didn't find somewhere to use, was that the Great Lesbian looked kinda like Avengers-era Diana Rigg.)

Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2017 6:38 pm 
9. Gay Now
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Location: Beyond the orbit of Mars and accelerating...
I laughed. A lot.

Rainbows and sparkles gets my vote every time :)


“All I feel is sunlight. All I hear is music.” Willow
How i Met Your Mother - By Ariel

My Story: Coming Home

 Post subject: Re: All-New Adventures of the Special Friends!
PostPosted: Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:20 am 
17. Mega-Witches
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Thanks :) Can't have too many rainbows and sparkles in a Special Friends story (except for Overt Sexuality Gal, who I feel like maybe is more a black leather kind - although she could still have silver sparkles to match, and a rainbow tattoo somewhere suggestive wouldn't be out of character).

Chris Cook
Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

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