Hi All!
I could claim that this weeks episode was held up due to Christmas, but the truth is i'm just disorganised
Heya Citanul! Yeah, i find that often, the scenes that are hinted at, turn out better than the ones that are actually written.
'Off Camera' if you will.
Couldn't really think of anything other than 'This thing is awesome!' and they break rocks. Or old cars.
Anyway, here's the dinner scene, then we get back tour favourite girls
(Hard hats may be involved)
Dinner. And nothing else happens at all.Faith pulled the Slayer-mobile over, the engine idling to a throaty rumble.
She eyed the dark-haired man in the nice suit, that just had to be waiting for them.
“That him?” she asked.
“Yep,” Buffy replied.
“You ready to go?” Buffy said, leaning out the window.
“Holy crap, is that your car?”
“Nope. Mine’s a little blue jeep. This belongs to Faith. Uh, you might wanna drive your own car. Despite the car’s massive bigness, it’s awkward to get in the back.”
“Big trunk though,” Faith muttered.
“Yes, it has a great big trunk. And two doors . Anyway, did you want to lead the way?”
“Er sure. Hi Faith, I’m Dave.”
“Hey Dave. Ya got good taste in women. Don’t get any ideas.”
“Ah yeah, sorry about that.”
“No worries man. I’m impressed that ya had the stones to make a pass at an NSA agent.”
“To be fair, he only asked me out to dinner. Not really making a pass.”
He shrugged. “Life is short. It was worth a go.”
“Well, get your wheels man, I’m starved,” Faith said, revving the engine slightly. The Mustang snarled with power.
“Tell me we’re not racing. Because if we are, I’ll just admit defeat now,” Dave said.
None the less he hopped in his car and lead off.
“We should have taken my jeep. It might not be as fancy, but it has more than two doors.”
Faith looked a little sulky. “But this car is cooler.”
+++
“Your name is Tony?” Faith said in disbelief.
“Si bella!” the rotund and muscular man said. Dark curly hair and a huge moustache completed the perfect stereotype of an Italian chef.
Faith raised an eyebrow. “Questo è un accento merda, Tony.”
“Tu parli italiano?”
Faith grinned.
“Damn. Figured I was safe in Colorado,” Tony said in a more normal accent.
“Do ya actually speak Italian?” she asked.
“A little bit. Got it from my mom.”
“’Tony’ seems a little
too perfect.”
He shrugged and grinned. “Well ‘Andrew’ doesn’t sound very Italian, does it?”
“True dat. So Dave sez this is the best Italian place?”
“Of course he does. He brings all his dates here,” Tony/Andrew said to a blushing Dave.
“Though never two at once.”
Dave coughed as both women glared at him.
“Not a date Tony. These two ladies work for the government.”
He frowned. “Or should I call you Andrew?”
Tony held up his hands. "Colpa mia. This way ladies.”
He showed them to a comfortable booth, and provided them with menus.
“I recommend the lasagne tonight, it is especially good.”
“Wicked. Hit me with a big-ass plate of lasagne Tony, I’m eatin’ for two,” Faith said, patting her protruding tummy.
“Presto si avrà un bambino sveglio, sì?”
“Yeah. Not tonight hopefully.”
“Soon, yes?”
“I guess.”
“Well, tonight’s meal is on the house, in honour of your new bambino.”
“Thanks Tony. But we’re loaded, so it’s no stress to pay.”
“It shall be as you say. But I shall bring you a bottle of my best wine, I insist!”
“Sweet.”
Faith tucked herself into the booth, with Buffy’s ever attendant help.
Buffy took a seat opposite her, Dave sitting on the end.
“Ooo! Chicken Parmesan with Polenta, please,” Buffy said within seconds of picking up the menu. “And extra cheese!”
Faith chuckled at Buffy’s happy expression. As Dave ordered Alfredo and meatballs, she gestured Tony over and whispered in his ear.
He grinned. “Surely.” And bustled away to organise their dinner.
“Congrats,” Dave said. “Have you been trying for long?”
Faith and Buffy shared a glance.
Faith shrugged. “Shit B, we’re gonna tell him the rest, we might as well tell him this too.”
“Ok.”
She cleared her throat. “Uh, right. So the reason we’re here tonight, besides the food. We want to bring you into the fold, as Giles says.”
“I like being a cop. It’s pretty cool to be asked, but I’m not sure I want to join the NSA.”
Faith snorted. “Yeah, relax. The NSA thing is just a cover.”
“Wha?! Who uses the NSA as a cover?
They usually pretend to be FBI.”
“Willow was in a hurry,” Buffy said. “Basically what we do is secret, and we need a contact in the police force, for help when things go wrong.”
“Huh. Ok, I’m listening. Good NSA act by the way. I totally over looked the fact that you were young, blonde and cute.”
“Not that much,” Faith said. “Ya still asked her out.”
Dave shrugged. “You only live once. What the hell, right?”
“Heh. Sure. Go on B.”
“We’re not the NSA.”
“So who are you?”
“We’re the Council,” Buffy said. “We fight monsters.”
He stared hard at her. “My bullshit detector isn’t going off. But you’re going to have to explain that some.”
“Good call,” Faith interjected.
“Should have brought Giles, he likes giving this speech,” Buffy muttered.
“It’s in the book. Y’know ‘the world is older than you know’ yadda yadda.”
Buffy nodded. “Right. The world is older than you know… uh, I can’t remember the rest. Look, Dave. Have you ever had any weird cases? Cases where someone dies, without any trace of why? Wild animal attacks, weird things going on, that sort of thing.”
Dave nodded. “Yeah. Guy got his throat torn out in Denver. Coroner said it looked like a trained dog attack. Didn’t sound right though.”
“Werewolf?” Faith murmured to Buffy.
Buffy shrugged. “Maybe. Or a messy vampire, who knows.”
She turned back to Dave. “Most of the things that go bump in the night are just bumps. But some of those things you just
knew were real when you were a kid? Some of those things really are real. Magic, vampires, werewolves, evil witches, annoying English sorcerers, all real.”
“You’ll understand if I’m a little sceptical of all this right? It’s a cop thing.”
“Sure,” Faith said. She pulled a compact military radio out of her purse. “Hey purple-pants, how goes the hunt?”
“On it boss. It’s taking a while, but we should be there for desert, over,” came Jules’ terse reply.
“Roger that. Out.”
Faith grinned at the detective. “Blame Giles. He’s been bugging us to learn proper radio-speak.”
“Got a ways to go yet. What was that all about?”
“After we’ve enjoyed a lovely meal, we are going to show you,” Buffy said. “Then you can decide if you want to come on board.”
“Not looking for a career change, Buffy.”
“We’re not asking you to. What we need are contacts.”
She met his gaze seriously. “Dave, every night our girls go out and put their lives on the line. So that the nasty things in the dark don’t eat anyone, drink their blood or suck out their souls. Just an hour ago this evening, me and my friends were ambushed by more than twenty demons. Those same girls came to the rescue, and saved our tushies.”
“What we need is information and help,” Faith said. “Someone who knows what the hell is goin’ on, and help when rookie cops pull girls up for carrying weapons.”
“And let us know about any suspicious deaths,” Buffy added. “Also, if you want to moonlight, we could use an instructor on police procedures, practical law and that sort of thing.”
“Moonlighting?”
“Sure. All legal-beagle and everything,” Buffy said. “We’ll write you up and pay you as a consultant. I’ll get Willow to think of something. Self defence maybe?”
“If your instructors are anything to go by, I don’t think they need it.”
“That was Heather. He was quite badly broken, but Tara patched him up.”
“How? She had no medical equipment when we pulled her in. She had nothing on her more significant than a pocket knife, unlike the hardware we took off the other two.”
Buffy smirked. “Tara doesn’t need a knife. She’s a healer, among other things. Which means that if they hadn’t been surprised while shopping, there wouldn’t be a mark on him.”
“Magic, Dave,” Faith said. “Tara’s a witch.”
“Huh,” he said. “You two sure don’t believe in baby steps, that’s for sure.”
“Rip the bandaid off quick, that’s us,” Buffy said brightly.
Conversation stilled for a moment, as ‘Tony’ appeared. “For the lady, in honour of the new Bambina!” tony handed over a cool bottle.
Dave whistled. “Wheew, Tony. That’s the good stuff alright.”
“Ya know booze and pregnant chicks don’t mix, right?”
“Of course. This is to celebrate your new bambino, when you have him.
This is for tonight,” he said presenting a large bottle of chilled sparkling grape juice. “Shall I pour?”
“Ok Tone, hit it,” Faith said, holding out her glass.
He expertly poured three glasses of the champagne-like grape-juice. “I’ll go hurry the meal along, you look hungry,” he said with a smile.
“Ain’t that the damn truth. I swear B, we do this again, you are carrying the little bun.”
She shifted uncomfortably. “Make that a great big bun.”
She looked down at her belly. “Stop kicking junior. Food is coming.”
She looked surprised. “That actually worked. She stopped kicking. How weird is that?”
Buffy giggled. “The look on your face.”
“Seriously B, this pregnancy shit is just weird. I’ve got an actual person inside me. How the hell do people get used to this shit?”
“Mom said the second one’s easier,” Buffy said, a soft smile on her face.
“Yeah. It will be, ‘cos you’re having her, no arguments.”
“Deal. But next time, you get diaper duty. And foot rub duty. And midnight snack duty.”
“A’ight. I can handle that.”
Dave cleared his throat. “So… you’re engaged?”
Buffy giggled at him. “Smooth Dave, very smooth.”
He shrugged. “Yeah well. Gotta save the crazy stuff for later, otherwise I’m never going to survive the meal, even if Tony hurries it right along.”
“I figure babies and marriage are about as normal as it gets.” His brow furrowed in thought. “Uh not to sound like an ass, but I didn’t think you could get married if you were gay?”
Faith bristled. “Yeah? Well we’ll just see about that.”
Dave held up his hands. “Whoa, peace. I’m not saying it’s wrong or anything, I was thinking legally. Because cops do that.”
“Sorry,” Faith said. “Hormones.”
Buffy rolled her eyes, but wisely said nothing.
“Er… baby? Is that safe topic?” Dave asked cautiously.
Faith stared at him for the space of a couple of seconds, before bursting out laughing.
Buffy couldn’t help but chuckle.
“Safe. Yes. Sane? No so much,” Buffy put in over Faith’s guffaws.
“Tell him who the baby-daddy is, B,” Faith said, grinning manically.
“That would be me,” Buffy said, pointing to herself.
Dave raised his eyebrows, clearly wishing he had the ability to raise one questioning eyebrow.
Buffy held up her hands. “Hey, who knew lesbians had to use protection? I really thought we were safe.”
Dave coughed, and was prevented from saying anything more by the arrival of tony.
He expertly laid out the plates with a big smile. “E 'bene, godere!”
“Grazie Tone. Uh, questo potrebbe sembrare pazzesco, ma come sta la mia Itallian?"
“Better than mine. Though with a Boston accent? Sounds really… interesting,” he said with a grin.
“Damn. Can’t ever escape Boston huh?”
“Boston’s good. Enjoy your meal, and if you need anything, just ask.”
“Wicked.”
After Tony left, Dave picked up the tattered shreds of the conversation again. “Are you two going to say anything tonight that makes any kind of sense?”
Faith made a disturbingly happy noise as she got a mouthful of her lasagne.
“Probably not,” Buffy said, answering for her.
“B, eat. This is crazy good,” Faith said around a mouthful of cheesy, meaty goodness.
Buffy made a happy noise as she saw the generous cheese sprinkled on the chicken, and the thick slices of camembert wedged between the crisp chicken pieces.
“Thank you Faith,” she said with a broad smile. “Just so you know, I love you more than cheese.”
“That was random,” Dave said.
“Not if you knew how much B loves cheese.”
He glanced over at Buffy’s rapturous expression. “A lot, I’m guessing.”
“Mmm-hmm!” Faith said around a mouthful of lasagne.
Dave laughed. “Good to see women who enjoy their food. I think Tony might be in love.”
“Mmmm,” Buffy said.
“So, you were making my brain explode?” Dave said.
Faith chuckled around a delicious mouthful of Italian goodness.
“Yep. I’m Faith’s baby daddy. Mommy. Whatever.”
“How?” Dave said, a look of confusion and exasperation on his face.
Buffy shrugged. “Magic, basically.”
“Magic…” Dave said slowly. “You can do magic.”
“Nope. Apparently I’ve got magic in me, and if I study for years, I might be able to use it,” Buffy said.
“But study ain’t our thing,” Faith finished.
“But you said magic?”
“Yep. Not mine. My sister probably. She’s studying to be a witch, and she has family issues.”
“Hard to blame her really,” Faith said between mouthfuls.
Buffy nodded. “So many have died. Jesse, Angel, mom, me, Tara.”
“You died?”
“Ugh. I swear, next time we do this, we’re not. Giles can do it,” Buffy said to Faith.
She turned back to the confused detective.
“Yes, I died. Twice. Once for about five minutes, and once for around two months.”
“Sorry Dave” Faith said, taking a short break from eating like a starving wolf. “We’re not deliberately trying to break ya head. It’s just when you’re on the other side, this stuff gets to be kinda ordinary.”
“It’s true. In the last few months, the stuff we’ve run into is just crazy. And to be honest, it’s not even that out of the ordinary.”
“Ya should been in SunnyDee back in the day. That was a crazy place.”
“Vampires, demons, apocalypses, werewolves and werewolf hunters, ghosts, possession, people turning into their Halloween costumes, magic beer, magic chocolate (that was especially bad. It almost put me off chocolate!) virgin-eating mantis-women, evil eggs, and evil witches possessing their daughters to go cheerleading, of all things,” Buffy said, rattling off a list.
“An that’s just the highlights,” Faith added.
“The world is weird Dave. It really is,” Buffy put in.
“Compared to the shit we’ve seen, a girl knocking up a girl, with another girl’s help, is like day-time TV reruns. Not even.”
Dave thumped his head on the table, though he took enough time to move his excellent meal first.
“Too much?” Buffy stage-whispered to Faith.
“Nah, he’ll be alright. Figure he’ll have a bit of a freak when he sees a vampire though.”
“I bet,” Dave muttered into the table.
“This is why we need a guy on the inside. Because fuck having to explain all this to every single person who trips over it.”
“I’m really starting to appreciate the mayor more and more,” Buffy said. “He might have been an evil politician with delusions of snake-hood, but at least he made it easy to operate.”
“Do I want to know?” Dave asked.
“Three hundred year old immortal politician. He built Sunnydale for monsters. Made it easy to fight ‘em too.”
“Giles said he built Sunnydale with Geo-something-or-other.”
“Geomancy,” Faith said. “He told me about it.”
“Earth magic,” she explained to the curious Dave.
“Right.”
“Hey, he was evil, but he knew how to run a town.”
“Anyhoo, the geo wotsit made everybody kind of… docile I guess. Oblivious. More so than is typical around a Hellmouth.”
Dave’s eye climbed a fraction higher. “Er… I know I don’t know anything about all this, but the term Hellmouth doesn’t sound good.”
“Ya remember that so-cal town that fell down a hole a few months ago?” Faith asked.
Dave nodded. “Yeah. I heard about that I think. Some kind of disaster?”
“That was Sunnydale,” Buffy said.
“You’re going to tell me it was something to do with you, aren’t you?”
“Yep. We sank Sunnydale. There was a Hellmouth under the town. When we eventually closed it, it sank the whole town.”
“And a Hellmouth is?”
“Exactly what it sounds like. It’s a gateway to another dimension. Usually a hell dimension.”
“Uh. Shit. That sounds bad.”
“Oh yeah. And there’s three around here. Not as big, but more of them.”
“Yep. The Sunnydale one was the biggest in the world. There’s another big one in Cleveland. Also Ireland, Wales, and London if Giles is to be believed.”
“Three?”
“Yep. That’s why we parked our training campus here. That and the vacated training facility was a big incentive.”
“Training campus? Where?”
“Up the big hill in Diamond Falls.”
“Nothing really happens up there,” he said automatically.
“Yeah. Thank Willow for that. Cloaking spell.”
“Jesus.”
“No. Willow. Little red-headed jewish witch about yay high,” Faith said, gesturing.
Dave sighed. “Every answer comes with more questions.”
“Yeah. Sorry,” Faith said. She grinned around another mouthful of delicious food.
“So there’s three of these Hellmouth things around here?”
“Yeah. Somewhere near the falls in Diamond Falls, in the caves under Pine Ridge, and somewhere near Blue Rock. We haven’t quite nailed that one down yet.”
“Not as active though.”
“Don’t stress too much. B was able to keep a lid on Sunny-D all by her lonesome. There might be three hellmouths here, but there’s entire squads of Slayers patrolling the area.”
“Slayers? Oh god, what now?”
Buffy grimaced. “Uh, right. This could take a while.”
+++
“Valkyrie one to Slayer two, do you copy?” Jules said over the radio.
She and the rest of her team were sitting in the darkness under the densely packed trees. In the distance, she could see the back of the restaurant.
“Hey Purple Pants, what’s up?” came Faith’s cheery voice over the radio.
That got a chuckle from the rest of the squad.
“Boss, we brought our party favours. Two of. We’re out back, twenty meters from the dumpster, over.”
“Sweet. We can do this, and get back in for desert. Give us a few, and we’ll be out. Uh, out.”
“Wilco. Out.”
She turned to the rest of her team. “Well, she’s getting better at it.”
“Repetition, repetition, repetition,” Moia said.
“I’m just impressed we managed to find two vamps on such short notice. The last sweep went through here last night.”
“Eh, out of towners. You’d think word would have gotten around by now, but no, the dumb shits are drawn to the hellmouths from every state nearby,” Tilly said.
“It’s what makes the one-percenters so dangerous,” Jules said, remembering Buffy’s most recent lecture.
“You get sloppy form, fighting morons all the time. Then you get a vamp with a brain, and he does something you’re not expecting, and Bam! You’re dead.”
“True dat,” Tilly said, her voice muffled very slightly by the dark mesh mask that covered her face.
“Tilly, take the damn mask off. It makes you sound like spongebob,” Jules said.
“Hell no. I fucking glow in the dark.”
“No, Tara glows in the dark. You’re just really white.”
“Fine,” she muttered and pulled the mask up. While she didn’t actually glow, she was very pale, with pale blonde hair and eyebrows to match, around pale blue eyes.
“You’re too pretty to cover up, sweetie. You’re a young Tilda Swinton,” Moia said.
“This from the Hawaiian chick. Bet you never have to wear sunblock on a cloudy day.”
“Nope,” Moia said with a grin. “But the tan lines are a killer.”
“You don’t have to wear sunblock either,” Jules put in. “Not now you’re a Slayer.”
“Try it some time,” Tilly said. “Slayer healing’s all good, but have you ever had sunburn vanish in like five minutes? That shit is fucking itchy.”
“I’ll have to take your word for it,” Moia said. “I only ever got sunburn once, and that was when I was a kid. Once you darken up, it stops happening.”
Tilly made a disgusted noise. “Well that doesn’t happen when your parents are from Norway.”
“Have you tried-”
“Shh! Here they come,” Jules said. “Game faces girls.”
Tilly pulled down her mask, and the others checked their weapons.
Buffy and Faith strolled around the side of the building, hand in hand, followed warily by the detective.
“Damn it’s dark back here. I don’t know what you’ve got planned, but unless there’s a light somewhere, it’s not going to be much good to me.”
Jules clicked her flashlight twice.
“Well, you probably can’t see them, but there’s a bunch of girls in black under those trees. You saw the light, right?”
“Yeah. Might need more than a little light, unless you want this to be all like the Blair Witch movie.”
“Dave? Chill. We got the light under control. Geez you cops always this nervous?”
“Yes. It comes from dealing with bad guys with guns. That and what you told me over dinner. Forgive me if I’m a little off balance.”
“Well if you liked that, you’re gonna love this,” Jules said.
Dave jumped slightly.
“Hey Boss.”
“Hey Jules. Party favours?”
“Got ‘em stashed in a gas station, over the fence. Figured he’d need some light.”
“That’s my girl, always thinking,” Faith said proudly.
“Thanks boss. Got Abby babysitting the baddies. Let’s get this show on the road.”
She lead the way to the back of the overgrown lot and hopped over the fence, along with her team.
Dave stopped. “So. Four girls just casually jumped over a twelve foot high chain-link fence.”
“Yep,” Faith said. “You need a hand getting over?”
He raised an eyebrow and looked at Faith’s somewhat protruding belly.
Faith turned away and gathered herself. With a grunt, she jumped over, easily clearing the fence.
She landed with another louder grunt on the other side.
Buffy urgently hopped over and was very solicitous. “Baby, are you ok? I was going you carry you over.”
“Yeah. Well, you know me. All independent and shit.”
She groaned. “Next time, you carry me. I really need to pee. Again.”
“There’s toilets in the gas station,” Jules murmured.
“Sweet.”
They waited as Dave climbed the fence and hopped over the other side.
“Not bad. No doughnuts at the station?”
Dave shook his head. “Lots of heart disease in my family. So no smoking, drinking or fried stuff for me. Makes the fitness requirements to stay a detective a lot easier, I can tell you.”
He looked at the girls, who all looked back at him. “So, I was going to ask about the ‘my girls’ comment over dinner. But somehow my brain got derailed.”
“Right. My bad,” Faith said. “Meet the Valkyries. My heavy hitter squad.”
“This is Jules, squad leader.”
“Hey.”
“Moia, Tilly, Shona, and Abby is baby-sitting our surprise,” Faith said.
The girls nodded, smiled and said ‘Hey.’
“Pleased to meet you. So… super powers? Can you fly?”
Faith doubled over laughing as Buffy pouted. “Don’t! Don’t make me laugh! Gah!”
Jules raised her hand and pointed to the bathroom. Faith took off at an awkward high speed waddle.
Buffy glared at Dave. “No. We can’t fly.”
“Er… sorry? Seems like I hit a nerve. Or something.”
“Tara can fly,” Jules put in helpfully.
“And Willow,” Tilly added
“And it really bugs Buffy,” Jules said.
“Hey, flying would be awesome!” Buffy said. “It would be great if that was part of the Slayer package.”
“Yeah. We’ve seen Willow flying with Tara, and it’s wicked cool,” Jules said.
Dave sighed. “Willow and Tara can fly? And what’s a Slayer?”
Buffy blinked. “Crap. You know, there’s more to this explaining thing than I thought. I guess there’s a reason we normally leave this stuff to Giles. Willow is a witch, and she can fly with magic. Tara is also a witch, but she has wings, so it’s a bit easier for her.”
“I need a drink. And Slayers?”
“Me! I’m a Slayer, so is Faith and the girls here.”
“Hello,” Jules said with a wave.
“We fight evil stuff. Mostly vampires, but demons, evil witches and all sorts of other nasties.”
“Right. Why?”
“Because we can,” Jules said simply. “Someone’s got to, and we’re good at it.”
“Kinda cool too,” Tilly said with a little smile, hidden behind her mask.
“Tru dat,” Faith said, reappearing. “Oh man, I can’t wait till this little bun is out of the oven, and I don’t have to pee every ten damn minutes.”
“How long do you have?” Tilly asked.
“Fuck knows. Buffybot reckons no more than a month.”
Dave sighed.
Faith ran her hands through her hair. “Uh. Sorry Dave. Yeah, we have a robot. Just file that one for later. Just remember, if you bump into a sugar high version of B here, wearing purple, it ain’t B, it’s her… sister I guess.”
“I keep accumulating family members. It’s a thing,” Buffy said with a hint of annoyance.
“Let’s just focus on the simple stuff,” Faith said. “The world is a whole lot weirder that you thought, and nastier too. Even for a cop. And monsters are real, which we are going to show you, right now. So put all the other stuff aside till later, yeah?”
“Yeah. Sorry, it’s just a lot to take in all at once.”
“Ladies? Ya wanna pop this guy’s vampire cherry?”
“Sure. C’mon Dave, follow me,” Jules said, and lead the way to the gas station.
“Valkyrie actual to three, we’re coming in, over.”
“Copy. Waiting on you boss.”
+++
Inside the station, they found a slender redhead leaning against a wall with a drawn short sword, and two thoroughly cuffed pale types attached to a huge steel beam. A single desk lamp lit the scene with harsh shadows.
“Hey boss! This the cop?”
“Uh-huh. Say hello to Detective Dave.”
“Hello. How’re you holding up?”
“My brain hurts. But I’ll live. What’s happening here?” he said, concerned by the two battered looking gang types cuffed hand and feet.
“Abby? You wanna do the show and tell thing?” Faith said, sitting herself on a clean box.
Abby grinned. “Sure. Ok Dave, these are vampires. Not regular folks.”
“Uh-huh. Because they look like two punks to me.”
“Sure. Punk vampires. Here,” she said, and handed him a makeup compact and a simple wooden cross.
“Touch me with the cross, on my cheek. Then yourself.”
He did so, and predictably, nothing happened.
“Now, look at yourself in the makeup mirror.”
He popped open the compact, and looked in the mirror.
“Right. No tricks there. Now turn around and look at these dudes through the mirror.”
Dave did as he was asked and frowned. He saw Abby waving at him, but no cuffed punks. He looked back, and there they were. He took out his detective’s shield and stared at the reflection in that. A Distorted Abby was barely visible, as was the upright metal support they were cuffed to, but no punks.
“How the hell does that work?!”
“Yeah, we don’t know. Something magical I guess?” Buffy said.
“Red said something about it once, but it was a really complicated way of saying ‘we don’t know’,” Faith added.
“Now for the next trick,” Abby said. “Touch the cross to his cheek.”
The vampires jerked at the words, and shied away as Dave waved the cross uncertainly in his direction.
He examined the cross closely under the small light. It was simple, roughly carved wood, and looked to have been carved with a knife, out of a pallet section.
He reached out with the cross to touch the nearest cuffed pale young man.
“No man, you don’t gotta do that,” the man protested.
“It’s just wood, I checked. Looks to be made out of an old pallet.”
“It’s soaked in acid!”
Dave looked thoughtfully at the crude cross. “So why is it not burning me?”
Before the pale young man could think of a response, Dave touched the rough wooden cross to his cheek.
He recoiled with a shriek, his face changing to a vampire’s rough, craggy game face.
Dave jumped back in shock, the crucifix trailing faint smoke from the red cross on the vampire’s face.
“Fuck!”
“Yeah. Gets people like that the first time,” Faith said.
“I pee’d my pants,” Jules said.
“I’m getting that urge.”
“So Dave. That’s a vampire,” Faith said.
“What the fuck is it?!”
“Pretty much like the movies,” Buffy put in. “What you are looking at is a corpse possessed by a demon. The soul is gone, but the body and the memories remain. So it knows what the person knew in life, but its whole outlook has changed.”
“And almost all of them think with their teeth,” Faith added.
“And just like in the movies, they drink blood.”
“But not all sexy. More like a fucking monster,” Faith said.
“And we kill monsters,” Abby said. Smoothly, almost casually she slammed a stake into the vampire’s chest, pulling it back out in the same motion.
The young vamp had just enough time to open his mouth in a silent scream before he collapsed into dust with a hiss.
Dave just stared.
Abby handed him the stake. “Your turn.”
Dave recoiled. “You just fucking killed him!”
“No, I slayed him. Big difference,” Abby said. “You can’t kill something that’s already dead, you can only destroy it.”
“Dave,” Faith said softly. “You don’t reason with a rabid dog, and ya don’t reason with vampires, for the same reason.”
She touched him gently on the shoulder.
“They aren’t people, Dave. You can educate a person, you can redeem a person, give them a second chance. But if you do that with a vampire, someone
will die because of that choice.”
He looked at her, searching her face for any sign of an agenda. He saw only naked honesty.
“It would seem kinda merciful to give them a chance to go straight huh?”
Dave nodded slowly.
“But they are a disease Dave. You don’t give cancer a second chance, because it’ll kill someone. Vamps are the same. They drink blood to live. They don’t have to kill to do it, but they almost always do. Because they can. Because they like it.”
“They’re soulless monsters, in every sense of the word,” Buffy said. “And I’m not talking about propaganda like, ‘Nazi’s are soulless monsters.’ I mean what you are looking at here is a thing that is as conscience and responsibility free as a rabid dog, or the AIDS virus. They’ll kill you because they can. Because they like it. And if they have the chance, they’ll torture you and kill your family. For the same reasons.”
“An’ this is what’s out there Dave, waiting for folks walking home late, or drunk or whatever,” Faith said. She strolled a little closer and waved a cross in front of the vampire’s face.
The vampire recoiled, his fangs and yellow eyes showing. “It’ll just reach out and kill them. So what’s it gonna be? Dead vamp, or dead human?”
He looked at the vampire. It looked scared, though not as scared as most would be in his place, especially having just seen his companion killed in front of him.
He looked down at the stake in his hand.
He handed it to Faith. “Sorry, but I can’t just kill someone in cold blood. Even if they’re evil. We have laws for a reason.”
Faith shrugged and staked the vampire with casual ease.
“They kill people Dave. They kill children. And old ladies. And you cannot rehabilitate them. They don’t even have a soul to rehabilitate. And when you see them torture someone to death, and then turn them, and laugh while the new vamp eats everyone who ever loved them, then you’ll get it.”
He nodded. “I imagine you’re right. But I haven’t seen that. What I have is you telling me about it. And you seem like an honest person, and I believe you that there are vampires and things that go bump in the night. But I only have your say-so that they are evil and irredeemable. And that’s just not good enough to make me start killing people in cold blood.”
“Huh. Good point. Wasn’t expecting that,” Faith said.
“Dave,” Buffy said softly. “These things are soulless monsters that need exterminating wherever they’re found. What do you need to see to understand that?”
He gave her a sharp look.
She raised her hand in defence. “I’m not criticising, I’m asking. What do you need?”
Dave thought for a moment. “History. Evidence. I’m a cop, it’s how we work.”
Buffy grinned and said one word. “Giles.”
+++
“Ah, there you are,” Giles said as Buffy came in the door. “How did it go?”
Buffy opened the door a little wider, revealing Dave and Faith.
“Fairly well. We showed him vampires, but he needs to know some history, to know what vampires are like.”
“Really?” Giles replied, clearly both surprised and pleased. “Well, you’ve come to the right place.”
Dave looked around in a daze. “This place is… wow.”
“Don’t worry ah, Dave. Most of that will pass in an hour or so. It is largely the result of being dragged through our wards. Something I would have warned you about, had I known you were coming,” he said eyeing Buffy and Faith.
“Sorry G. Not really up on all this spell stuff.”
“Yes, well. No harm done. Our first job is to key him to the wards, otherwise he’s not going to remember much.”
“That powerful, huh?”
Giles nodded. “The wards here are some of the most powerful the world has ever seen. Willow and I worked on them for some time, and powered them with all three Hellmouths. Tara added her own wrinkles.”
He eyed Dave. “We should go now. Before something untoward happens to him.”
“Is that likely?” Buffy asked guiltily.
“I don’t know. The wards are focussed on magical defence, given that we have two armies on the grounds. I have no idea what the long term effects of dragging someone through those defences and keeping them here might be.”
“Oops.”
+++
“Fuck.”
It was two hours later and detective Dave was as white as a sheet.
Giles had taken cheerfully to his task of showing the good detective the horrors of the demon world, with a special focus on vampires.
He’d been altogether too happy. Almost gleeful in the horrors he’d dug up for the shaken detective.
“Jesus this shit is bad,” he said, pushing the book away. It contained yet another lurid description of massacre and depravity by the Scourge of Europe.
“It takes a lot of people that way,” Giles said mildly.
“I think that giant wasp-thing was the worst.”
“Ah, the ikhneúmōn. I understand there’s a natural insect with similar grisly habits. Thankfully they are exceedingly rare, and none have been seen in over a hundred years. It is thought that in their natural habitat they parasitize pregnant humanoid creatures. But when they drift over to our world…” he shrugged.
Dave looked sick. Giles had thoughtfully provided a bucket, which was close at hand.
“How… how do you stand it?”
“Because I must. If I don’t, innocent people die. Some will die anyway, but thanks to our efforts, far fewer die.”
He sat down nearby and spoke, not ungently. “Once it was one girl in all the world, fighting the darkness, aided only by her watcher. Nowadays, things are a little different. There are many slayers, and they go out in teams, aided by our organization, their friends, and whatever support we can give them.”
“Why girls? And how come no-one knows about this?”
Giles nodded. They were sensible questions. “The girls are no ordinary girls, as you might have surmised.”
“They jumped a twelve foot fence without even a run up.”
“Quite. Well, those girls are part of a proud lineage that traces far back into the mists of time. They are warriors gifted with the strength to fight the evil that stalks the night.”
He closed the books and put them neatly back on the shelves.
“As to why no one knows about any of this,” he shrugged. “Ancient pacts, spells, arrogance and complacency.”
He eyed the shaken detective. “David, you deal with the rougher side of humanity on a regular basis. But even the nastiest of criminals does not consider his fellow man to be
food. You can imagine how that concept jars the human illusion of being at the top of the food chain.”
The detective nodded.
“Denial is a powerful thing,” Giles added.
The detective was silent for a long time.
“Now what?”
“What you have always done. Protect the innocent, and serve the public good. Only now, you do it with your eyes open.”
He looked a little relieved at that. “Oh good. I was worried you were going to make me murder some tied up vampires.”
“Ah, no,” Giles replied. “That comes later. First comes some training, and some equipment.”
“You’re serious?”
“Deadly. Vampires are stronger than you, faster than you and can take significantly more punishment than you. You should avoid fighting them if at all possible. But if you
are going to fight them, you will need to know how.”
“I’m not going to like this, am i?”
“No,” Giles said, not unkindly.
+++
“Stupid Ethan,” Willow muttered, sounding a lot like Buffy in her annoyance.
“You did say ‘not blonde,’” Tara said. “Well, you’re not blonde.”
Willow muttered darkly. “What am I going to wear? Seriously, I have no clothes that go with blue hair!”
“Blue and purple,” Tara murmured.
“Not helping!”
“Sorry sweetie. If it helps, you look very nice.”
Willow grumbled, but seemed at least partly mollified.
“But what’s with the shaved head?”
“It’s an undercut sweetie. It’s not something I’d ever choose for myself, but it’s fun to try it out for a few hours.”
“Well at least you’re blonde. Well, blonde-ish.”
“I’m glad it’s just a glamour. If my head was really like this, I think it would be cold.”
Willow sighed.
“I’m going to have to figure out how this spell works, if only to stop Ethan using us as his dress-up dolls.”
“That might be good. Though a little adventure is also good, once in a while,” Tara said with a cheeky smile.
“And if in revenge, a certain annoying English person, who shall remain nameless, ends up with hot pink hair. I think that’s only fair.”
“I don’t think it would really bother him sweetie.”
Willow sighed. “Poo. Probably not.”
“Shall we go?”
“Yep. Let’s go get our tiny pink bodyguard, and go do some good.”
“I can’t help but wonder if we’re going to start a new craze,” Tara said.
“Random healing miracles?”
“No. though that would be nice. No, every time we do this, at least one of us has some very obvious hair, and colour.”
“Purple, blue, white, pink and let’s not forget red.”
“Well, the world could use more colour.”
“And it’s apparently getting it.”
+++
With a blaze of fire, Willow, Tara and their cute, heavily armed bodyguard reappeared in the rear courtyard, one hour later.
“Oops. I was aiming for the new spot,” Willow said.
“When we’ve used it a few times, it should get easier,” Tara replied.
“Which is why we’re sitting here,” Dawn said. “How’d it go?”
Willow looked over to where she was sprawled out on a rug with the White Codex. Sprawled next to her were Heather and Jules, typing on a laptop and reading a book respectively. Dawn had her ankles intertwined with Heathers.
They strolled over to join the girls.
“Very… odd,” Tara said. She frowned, clearly put off by her experiences, her wings feathering outward in her confusion.
“Tara has a new follower,” Chrissie said with a grin.
“I don’t,” she protested.
“Yeah you do. Seriously, the guy was practically blown off his feet.”
Tara sighed. “This happened in Sharn as well.”
Willow gave her a hug. “It’s not every day you run into an angel, baby. Especially a super pretty one.”
“You’re biased,” Tara said with a small smile.
“Yep. Still true though.”
“Ok. What happened?” Dawn asked.
“Well everything went fairly well. We healed some kids, and played with them for a little while, which was fun,” Willow said.
“Then we visited the geriatric ward,” Tara said.
“Not like, intensive care or whatever?”
“Too much security, too many doctors.” Chrissie put in.
“So you healed the old people?”
Tara nodded. “When you are in a healing trance, things like heart disease, arthritis and infections are very simple to deal with.”
“Also there’s a few less people suffering Alzheimer’s, which really ought to up the ‘miracle’ stakes,” Willow said. “It’s great for getting attention away from here, but I worry that we are painting ourselves into a corner.”
“What went wrong?” Jules asked, having put down her comic.
“Not wrong… exactly,” Willow said.
“We ran into a nurse,” Tara said slowly.
“An atheist nurse,” Willow added.
“
Former atheist nurse,” Chrissie put in.
“Ooo. Awkward.”
“Yep. It was all I could do to keep him from kneeling,” Willow said.
“So he figured you were an angel of the lord huh?” Jules said.
“Yep,” Willow said. “I set him straight, told him about the Goddess in thirty seconds, and gave him a Wiccan website to look at. If he remembers what the little card is for.”
“Which I think he will,” Tara said.
“I thought you had a spell for that?” Jules said.
“Magic’s not perfect,” Dawn said. “There’s always an exception, a loophole, a leak somewhere. Right?” she said.
Tara nodded. “Yes. And I think in this case, he’s going to remember. Willow’s spell is good. Really good. But seeing me kinda tore down his walls.”
“So what happens now?” Jules asked.
“I don’t know,” Tara said. “I think we should take a little break from the ‘miracles’ for a little while though.”
“Yeah,” Willow said. “I think we might be pushing our luck with the whole miracle thing. It might be time to take a break before something goes wrong.”
“Wrong-er” Chrissie put in grinning. “You could start a whole new religion.”
Tara groaned. “I hope not.”
“Could put a new spin on the ‘crazy people who talk to angels,’” Tara said.
She and Willow sat down on the big blanket, and Willow began to gently groom Tara’s snow white wings.
“They’re so pretty” Heather said.
Willow grinned and nodded cheerfully. “I know.”
Tara smiled tiredly. “It’s ok to touch them, I don’t mind.”
Hesitantly, Heather touched Tara’s snow white wings. “Ooo,” she cooed. “So soft. And warm.”
“Just don’t stroke the wrong way,” Willow said. “Tara says it feels icky.”
Heather nodded. “Same as my cat.”
Tara grinned at Willow. “Meow.”
“Later darling, later.”
Tara pouted in a way that Willow thought was adorable.
Willow waggled her eyebrows suggestively, before turning back to the girls.
“What’s been happening, while we’ve been away?”
“Buffy and Faith went out to dinner with the detective,” Dawn said.
“And Faith swore to get her money’s worth out of dinner, so I don’t think they’ll be back until they’ve eaten everything in the whole place, and left teeth-marks on the table” Jules said, grinning.
“Oh. Weren’t you going to do something to show him about the things that go bump in the night?”
Jules shrugged. “Sure. We did a sweep and got some vamps that had rolled in from out of town. We caught him taking a bite out of this nice truck-driving lady. We took him over so Buffy could stake him and do the whole ‘vampires are real’ bit. Then they went back inside for desert. I think he needed some sugar.”
She kicked her feet. “The whole place is pretty dead monster-wise, so we did a quick sweep, and left the rest for the next patrol.”
“If this keeps up, we’re going to need more monsters.”
“Well, there are around two thousand Slayers covering the area. It’s bound to be a bit quieter than Sunnydale,” Willow said.
“Aha!” she crowed as she pulled loose a feather.
Tara sighed. “Ah, that’s better.”
Jules just stared.
“They’re sort of itchy when they’re coming out,” Tara explained.
“There’s a conversation I
never thought I’d be part of,” Jules said, shaking her head.
Tara chuckled. “Yep.”
“Oh, Xander got the furniture in! And the girls cleared the grounds, so the palace is ready to go up,” Dawn said excitedly.
“I’m looking forward to seeing it go up.”
“Tomorrow. Lunchtime maybe,” Willow said. “We’ve definitely earned a lie in.”
“Yes we have.”
“Well, don’t start without me,” Dawn said. “Remember, I’m your apprentice.”
She smirked, “Or maybe I should be your acolyte.”
“Stick with ‘apprentice’” Willow said, looking grumpy.
“Acolyte has a nice ring to it,” Jules said.
“Initiate?” Heather suggested, looking up from her laptop.
“You’re all very clever,” Willow said. “Now it’s not that late, but it’s been a long day for us, so we’re off to bed. And we’ll see you all, and the
apprentice tomorrow.”
“Night!” Dawn called, grinning irrepressibly.
Tara stood up, and pulled Willow to her feet. “Come on sweetie, bed time.”
“Suddenly, I’m less tired.”
Dawn leaned over and whispered something in Heather’s ear, finishing with a gentle nibble.
“Yeah, so suddenly I’m tired,” Heather said. “Guess we’d better get to bed.”
“You’re really not fooling anyone,” Jules said, without even looking up from her comic. “Just head off. I’ll bring all this in.”
Dawn smooched her on the cheek. “Thanks Jules. You’re a pal.”
“I know. Now go have fun.”
+++
“Now, the first thing ya gotta remember, is that vamps ain’t people,” Faith said. “They look like regular folks when they want to, but so does a statue.”
“Why do
I have to beat up the nice detective?” Chrissy whined.
She, Detective Dave, Faith, Buffy and two other Stars were standing in a grassy field with the distant lights of Slayer central forming a backdrop. Nearby, two gagged vampires were chained to a tree.
The grass was marked with tyre tracks and flat spots from recently housing a thousand Guardians. Though they and their transport were stowed below ground, the field still bore the marks of heavy training.
“You have to beat him up, because there’s no way he’s gonna believe how outclassed he is. Telling him ain’t gonna cut it.”
“It will, really,” Dave protested.
“Bullshit. You’re a cop. You think you can handle yourself. You need to
feel this,” Faith said.
She turned back to Chrissie, who looked harmless and tiny in jeans and a soft, stripy sweater, her pink hair in two ponytails. “Don’t break anything. Take him down.”
Chrissie rolled her eyes, but sized up the compact detective. Clearly he took his fitness seriously, and he had the physique of a runner or a swimmer.
She jumped, clearing the others easily.
As dramatic as it was, being in the air did give the detective a chance to get out of the way.
When she landed, she spun low and kicked Dave’s feet out from under him.
Before he even hit the ground, she was on him, her legs locked around his midsection.
“Ah! Get off me!”
“Nope!” she said brightly and buried her face in his neck.
Straining with all his might. Dave forced her back, only to see her grinning at him. She grabbed him by the shoulders and slowly pulled herself back to his neck, against all his strength.
She made contact with is neck, and they suddenly sprang apart with a yelp.
“You bit me!” Dave complained.
Chrissie was rubbing her chest with a pained expression. “You gave me a purple nurple! How could you?!”
Faith snorted in amusement. “Ok, so we’ve all learned a valuable lesson. You just learned that your strength and speed don’t count for shit when dealing with vamps,” she said pointing at Dave, who was rubbing his neck.
“And you just learned that a titty twister works on anyone. I dunno if a vamp is ever gonna think of that, but you never know.”
“And that’s why we have
breastplates,” Minnie said with a smirk.
Chrissie shot her an unamused look.
Minnie just rapped the black front of the aforementioned plate in response.
Faith pulled Dave’s hand away and looked at his neck. “Nice hickey dude. Don’t try that titty twister with a vamp. They don’t feel a whole lot of pain, so you’ll just piss em off.”
“Hey, can we deal with the fact that a cop just got to second base with me?” Chrissie complained, still adjusting her sweater uncomfortably.
“And ya gave him a hickey,” Faith replied. “Did I tell you to do that?”
Chrissie blushed and looked at her feet. “No,” she muttered.
“Um sorry about the twister… thing,” dave said helplessly. “I sort of panicked.”
“Right,” Faith said, attempting to get things under control again. “The point of that was for you understand on a gut level
why ya don’t tangle with vamps. If you get a smart one, and that’s rare but it does happen, they’ll just break your arm or leg and take their time with you.”
She smirked. “And no more getting fresh with the jailbait.”
Dave looked annoyed. “I wasn’t.”
Faith ignored him. “Anyhoo, if ya run into a vamp-“
“Run away?” Dave interjected.
Faith shook her head. “Nah. Stand and fight. They are crazy fast and can track you by smell. They
will catch you. But, they’re also dumb as a bag of hammers, so if ya look terrified, you might be able to get a good splash of holy water on them. Or if you shove a cross in their face, that usually gets rid of them.”
“Uh, does it have to be a cross?”
“Jewish?” Faith asked.
Dave shrugged. “Not really anything. Just wondered.”
Faith nodded. “Anything will work. Cross, star of david, pentacle, crescent I guess. Crosses are easier to come by though.”
“Anything?”
Faith smirked. “Well, any holy shtick. Don’t think you can hold off a vampire with the golden arches or mickey mouse, but any of that other stuff should work.”
“Ok, I’ll remember that. Uh, how come?”
Faith shrugged. “No idea. Something holy I guess. As long as it works, I don’t care.”
She looked him over. He looked shaken. “Ok, that whole thing did not turn out how I expected, but I think you get the point. You going mano o mano with a vamp is like a kid going up against Hulk Hogan. So if you have to, be sneaky, and go all out from the get go. But, like I said, nearly all vamps are as dumb as rocks, so they’ll fall for shit that a kid could spot.”
She steered him over to the tree with the tied vamps. “Which is why these guys are here.”
“I’m going to trick them?” he said disbelievingly.
Faith chuckled. “Nah. There aren’t many things going for you in a fight with a vamp, but they are really predictable. They are lazy, overconfident and stupid. Most of them like watching you squirm and panic, so they do the fang thing and then wait while ya piss yourself. If you don’t hesitate, you can get the first shot in, most times.”
“Stake?”
Faith shook her head. “Not unless you can bench press a truck. You might get lucky, but ramming a chunk of wood through someone’s ribcage? Not easy.”
He looked down at the stake in his hand. “So why do I have this?”
“Same reason you fought her,” Faith said with a nod to Chrissie. “So you
feel it.”
“So what do I do?” Dave asked looking more than a little lost.
“Cut out the cancer,” Minnie said.
“She’s right,” Buffy said, breaking her silence. “Look at this thing,” she said pointing to the chained vampire. “Look at the thing that killed a young man, and so many others. And put an end to it. End the killing.”
Dave looked at the terrified and gagged man.
’Boy really’ he thought to himself.
’Barely nineteen.’He flinched when Buffy waved a large wooden cross near his face, and his features
shifted into the craggy, yellow-eyed form of a vampire.
And he saw the hunger, the mockery of life in the creature’s eyes, and truly felt the vampire for the first time.
This was not a young man. This was a
thing. a thing that preyed on the people he’d sworn to protect.
He struck.
…
And Faith was right. Shoving a sharpened bit of wood through someone’s chest was a lot harder than he’d even thought.
The vampire writhed as he dug the sharpened wood into its chest, a little left of centre,
Try as he might, he couldn’t get the stake to penetrate.
Faith handed him a mallet.
And with three angry hits he drove the stake home, to the all familiar whoosh of a disintegrating vampire.
He coughed at the graveyard stench and dry dust that was all that remained.
“Nice. Popped your vamp cherry.”
He staggered to his feet, brushing the dust off himself.
“Why do they do that?” he asked.
“B? Wanna field that one?”
Buffy nodded. “Magic.”
“Yep,” Faith said.
“That doesn’t explain much,” Dave grumbled.
“We don’t really know,” Faith said. “Most people who fight things like this don’t have time for in-depth research. They’re just happy that they don’t leave any bodies around.”
“Willow and Giles think that it’s because they’re held here by magic, and when you stake them, the magic goes
poof and they go with it. But we’ve never had the time to really figure it out.”
“A lot of demons do something similar, melt, evaporate or whatever,” Faith said. “Hey Stars, name three demons that clean up after themselves.”
“Anara,” Chrissie said quickly.
“Níðhöggr,” Minnie added.
“Um… Fyarl,” Abaigeal said. “Though they turn to goo, the goo stays.”
“What the hell is a Nid-hog?” Faith asked Minnie.
“Those invisible types that ambushed you. Giles says they’re not technically demons, but they’re close enough.”
“If they’re not demons, what are they?” Buffy interrupted.
“Evil Faeries. Sometimes called Edimmu in the middle east. The Unseelie Court use them as grunts sometimes, according to Giles,” Minnie explained. “Oh, and Giles say they always travel in twos, so there’s a pissed off Níðhöggr out there somewhere.”
Buffy sighed. “Of course there is. Well, I’ll be sure and keep an eye out for any invisible bad guys.”
“Right. So, a lot of demons clean up after themselves, some don’t and leave you with a body to dump.”
She looked at the girls again. “Ladies?”
“Werewolves!” Chrissie said quickly.
“Not a demon, but it’ll do,” Faith said.
“Zombie!” yelled Minnie.
“Seriously not a demon. But yeah.”
All eyes turned to Abaigeal.
“Uh,” she thumped her head with the heel of her hand. “Ah! luźne skórki!”
“Ya can’t just make up demons,” Faith grumbled.
“No, they’re loose-skinned demons. First recorded in Poland.”
Faith shared a look with Buffy.
“Clem,” she said.
“Oh right. My bad,” Faith said. “No extra research duty for you then.”
“Yay!” Chrissie said happily.
“So… what do we do with him?” Dave asked, looking at the last vampire.
“You wanna?” Faith said, indicating his stake.
He looked down. “Not really.”
Faith grinned. “Let’s show you what a Slayer can do.”
+++
“I was expecting less giggling. And less violence,” Dave muttered.
“Yeah well, it’s Chrissie, waddaya gonna do?”
+++
One day later, after lunch.
“This your work?” Faith asked.
“Um, no?” Willow said.
She and Faith were chatting at the construction site.
In the distance, the various Scoobies, and the Executive branch of the Daughters of the Flame were strolling leisurely up the hill towards the construction site.
The site itself was carefully marked out with spray-painted stakes and yellow tape. A huge hole had been dug into the earth down to the rock, by energetic Slayers. The rich brown soil formed a half-moon bank behind the building site.
The major change to the area, and the one that had drawn Faith’s attention, was the masses of buttercups growing on every inch of flat ground. The field was an almost solid carpet of yellow.
“This is not the spell we used. That was a generalised fertility spell. It made everything grow. This is just buttercups.”
“Well, what the hell?”
“I don’t know!”
At about that point, Tara arrived, and pulled Willow into her arms.
“It’s very pretty.”
“Yup. Glad I don’t get hayfever. Do you know where it came from?”
“Not really, but I have an idea.”
“Oh? Share?”
“I’ll tell you in a minute sweetie.”
The rest of Scoobies arrived.
Tara focussed on Dawn, holding hands with her girlfriend. She looked very relaxed and confident. A small smile just wouldn’t leave her face.
’Just play along with me sweetie,’ she sent on their private channel.
‘Um, ok?’ Willow sent back, her face frowning slightly in confusion.
“What’s with all the flowers?” Buffy asked, as soon as all the rest of the gang arrived.
“Ah. I have, er, an explanation,” Tara said. “If you’re filled with magic and you, um, get intimate? Sometimes it leaks out in various ways. This is one of the ways.”
“Oh? Wow, that’s a nice side effect I guess. Does it happen often?”
Tara was starting to blush slightly so Willow took over. “Only on extra special days. And um, you have to be pretty well topped off. Um, magic-wise.”
Dawn shot them an embarrassed but grateful smile. Tara turned her head slightly so Buffy couldn’t see, and winked.
“Well done Red!” Faith said. “Got enough mojo left to do the deed today?”
“Yes. To both questions,” she said with a cheeky smile.
“I see the girls have been busy,” Giles said gesturing to the cleared area, and attempting to steer the conversation towards safer matters.
Buffy coughed, and Faith patted her resurringly.
“Yep,” Willow said cheerfully. “Slayers plus spades is an effective combo.”
“Ya let ‘em off patrol or something?”
“Silly Faith. Slayers
like patrol. Every squad that helped, got pushed up the patrol rotation,” she said with a happy smile.
Giles cleared his throat.
“Sorry Giles, every
team that helped.”
“Any luck with that?” Faith asked.
“Nope. Everyone’s seen too many war movies, so it’s all ‘squad’ this and ‘recon element’ that.”
She smiled sheepishly at Giles. “Sorry Giles, I don’t think we can keep the military jargon down. It kinda sorta took off when you gave everyone lessons in radio procedure.”
Giles sighed. “Blast. I was hoping to avoid some of that.”
“Eh, it works,” Faith said. “So Red, Blondie, or should I call you ’Blue?’ What’s happening?”
Willow frowned. “You’ll cleverly note that the spell has worn off. I don’t have blue hair, and Tara’s back to white.”
“Stupid Ethan,” she muttered.
Giles sighed. “He always did have a talent for doing things in the most annoying way possible. Some things never change, it seems.”
While they were chatting, Dawn picked a big handful of buttercups, and started weaving them into Heather’s hair.
“So, today we’re going to raise the Scooby house. We’re going to use earth magic to do it, which is going to be slightly tricky. It’s pretty much the same spell that we used to carve out the tunnels under our feet. And it’s the same spell we’ll be using to tunnel through to the Hellmouths.”
“And under town,” Buffy added.
“Sure. Under town too. But it’s tricky. I’m not very good at earth magic,” Willow said.
“And I used to be,” Tara said. “But I’m not any more. Now I’m strongly connected to the sky and the sun, and that kinda clashes with earth magic.”
“So Tara’s going to help, we’ll be doing it together, but most of it’s on me, and earth is not really my thing.”
“What is your thing?” Faith said.
“Fire. And air.”
“That explains the lightning then,” Buffy said.
“Well, I needed to try it out, and I figured if I over-did it, well they’d be extra blown up. Sometimes fire isn’t the best, and I need the practice.”
“Spiffy. So how long is it going to take to build this place?” Buffy asked.
“About an hour. There’s a lot less to do than digging out ten levels of underground base.”
“So what’s it going to be made of?” Faith said.
“Marble. We haven’t decided what colour, but marble is good for buildings. And pretty too!”
“Why marble?”
“Why not? To the earth, it’s all the same. Granite, marble… diamond.”
“Ooo!” Buffy said. “Can we have a diamond building?”
Willow laughed. “How did I know you were going to say that?”
“Well can we?”
“Yes Buffy. We could have a diamond building. But it’s brittle and cold. Marble is better.”
“Oh poo.”
“Well maybe we can have one shiny bit. For you.”
“Yay Willow! Have I told you I love you lately?”
“Not since last week,” Willow said with a smile.
“Well I love you Will. You’re my favourite Willow-shaped friend.”
“Thanks Buff. Ok, everybody just relax for a bit. Tara and I have been over the plans a lot last night and this morning, but I want to look them over one last time before we do the spell.”
Xander grinned. “Is this going to be another giggle-kiss spell?”
“Sure. Like I need an excuse to kiss Tara,” Willow said. She fit actions to words and leaned over to place a soft kiss on Tara’s lips.
Tara kissed back.
When they came up for air, Xander was grinning. Anya looked bored, and Giles was looking intently at his notebook.
“Finished?” Buffy said.
“Nope,” Tara replied, and swept Willow into a deep dip. She pressed another kiss to Willow’s lips, and they kissed with gentle passion.
“Can we get on with this?” Anya said, sounding annoyed.
Willow waved blindly at her, but didn’t break the kiss.
“Now have you finished?”
“Yes, but I’m likely to do it again. What’s up with you?” Willow said with a frown.
“Nothing,” Anya said curtly.
“Ahn?” Xander said. “What’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?! How can you ask that?” Anya said, her voice rising in pitch. “We’re at war with heaven, what do you think is wrong?”
“Yeah, but we’ve been at this war thing for a while now. So what’s both wrong and new?” Xander asked gently.
Anya made a frustrated noise. “When did you get so perceptive?”
“Well, there was this eye thing,” Xander said with a faint smile. “Seriously Ahn, what’s up? I thought being dead took all the stress out of life? Heh.”
“My time is up,” she said simply.
“Uh?” Buffy said.
“Very eloquent Buffy,” Anya said with an irritated huff. “We have passed the time the Powers That Be gave me to kill Faith. They will assume that I’ve failed, and start their own plans.”
“Oh that. Chill,” Faith said. “They already did that and failed. Like last night.”
Anya looked exasperated. “I know about that. That’s why I hid. If the Powers That Be were orchestrating the attack, they may have put in the effort required to observe it, even that close to the Hellmouth. And I’m trying to stay off the radar.”
She paced angrily along the edge of the big hole. “That’s not the problem. The problem is that my next course of action is clear. And I don’t like it.”
“Uh, Ahn? What course of action?”
Anya sighed. “To go and convince them that I need more time. I might be able to pull it off. But if I don’t manage it, I’ll end up in limbo for eternity, the most boring place in all creation.”
“Anya relax,” Buffy said. “You don’t have to go anywhere. It’s nice that you’re offering to buy us more time, but at this point it’s not worth it. And it’s definitely not worth losing you.”
Anya looked surprised. “But it’s the right thing to do!”
Faith snorted. “It’s the stupid thing to do.”
“Well yes. It’s easy to spot the ‘good’ things, because they are usually the same as the stupid things,” Anya said.
“Naw, don’t worry about it,” Faith said. “We don’t want to give ‘em any more time to plan stuff. Better to let ‘em get the ball rolling. At least then we’ll have some idea what’s coming.”
“And the time you might get us isn’t worth the risk,” Buffy said.
“You mean it?” Anya said hopefully. “I don’t have to be self-sacrificing?”
Buffy laughed a little. “No. No self sacrifice needed.”
Anya visibly relaxed. “Oh good. Because last time I tried that, I died. This hero business is unpleasant.”
“It is,” Buffy said. “And you’ve already done plenty Anya. So just relax and help where you can.”
“Yeah, keepin’ that smile on Xan-man’s face has to be a full time job,” Faith said with a smirk that could only be described as ‘dirty’.
“Not really. He’s great, but he has to sleep. I don’t, so I do the books at night while he’s sleeping.”
She smiled brightly. “I missed capitalism. I am enjoying doing the council’s books and building the new magic box. I’m thinking about buying a company too!”
“Uh, which company?” Willow said worriedly.
“Apple.”
Willow coughed. “Why not buy Microsoft while you’re at it.”
Anya shook her head. “No. That would look too suspicious. And apple is really taking off, now that they’re more into consumer products. That’s where the real money is.”
“Apple is worth… a lot!” Buffy protested.
“Billions. Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because they’ll be worth
more billions,” Anya explained as if to a child. “More billions is good.”
“Um, weren’t we going to do a spell?” Dawn asked. “Before we got all capitalistic?”
“Yep. We were going to build ourselves a new place,” Willow said.
“Make it happen Will. Build us a home,” Buffy said with a soft smile.
“Shall we make a home baby?” Willow asked.
Tara smiled. “Let’s make a home sweetie.”
Willow looked over at the eager faces. “This isn’t a dangerous spell, but it does take a lot of concentration, so be quiet unless you want your rooms to be all wonky.”
Buffy mined zipping her lips, though she was smiling.
Willow joined hands with her love. ‘Ready?’
‘Uh-huh. I have the pattern.’
‘Here goes. One Scooby home coming right up.’
From the outside all everyone saw was the pair holding hands and chanting quietly for a half minute.
Then their joined hands flared with light. Green and gold flames spread across their forms, turning white and blue as it spread across Tara.
After a few seconds the flames concentrated in their free hand, green and gold on one side, white and blue on the other.
With a sense of drama, they said together. “Arise,” in a voice that echoed oddly.
With hands outstretched, the ground shook, and a shape slowly formed and rose out of the rock.
The pale shape displaced the dirt and slowly rose, inch by inch.
“Whoa,” Faith said.
The rock flowed like a candle melting in reverse, pale stone flowing like a thick, slightly lumpy liquid, against the force of gravity.
The Scoobies sat amazed mong the grass and buttercups, as their new home rose slowly out of the earth.
It took around two hours to fully form.
The basic shape formed relatively quickly, a series of hemispherical stone shapes in a ring around a larger dome. The central building was about the size of a school assembly hall, and the other buildings were each about the size of a house.
Once the walls and roof formed, windows appeared, and doorways, along with walkways on the roof, and other details.
Decorations appeared, vines, roses and trees engraved around the doorways and window sills along with walkways and other complications appeared slowly on the roof.
Around two hours later the pair opened their eyes and smiled together. “Done!”
The other Scoobies were sitting on the grass talking quietly, braiding hair, or playing with Faith’s protruding tummy and giggling.
“Done? Sweet! Uh, B, D? ya wanna get off me now?”
Dawn pouted, her hair once again done in dozens of braids. “Aww, but I haven’t finished telling my favourite niece all my funny stories.”
“She’ll live. Now get off me or be pee’d on.”
Dawn hastily got up.
“Ya wanna help me up? I’m feeling like a beached whale here.”
Buffy hauled Faith easily to her feet. “You’re not a whale, pumpkin. You’re beautiful.”
“I’m a pumpkin now?”
“You’re my little pumpkin belly,” Buffy teased, and tickled Faith’s tummy.
Faith giggled uncharacteristically.
Dawn gave her a disbelieving look.
“Hormones,” Faith, Buffy and Dawn all said in unison.
Faith blinked. “Huh.”
“Soon you won’t be able to use that line anymore,” Dawn said, grinning.
Faith smirked back. “BB?”
“Post partum hormonal alterations can last up to twelve months,” Buffybot said. “Though with a Slayer’s metabolism, I predict much less time for post partum hormonal levels to return to normal.”
“Oh for-” Buffy said.
“Heeheehee,” Faith said.
“Well laugh it up. Eventually it’s not going to work.”
“Heeheehee.”
“Um, how long do you have?” Dawn asked. “Before she’s born, I mean?”
“I can answer that!” Buffybot said brightly.
“Go nuts,” Faith said.
“Nuts are not my favourite food,” Buffybot replied brightly. “But I understood your colloquial response, thank you.”
“The foetus’s growth rate is not constant, and is hard to map to existing models. Additionally, the foetus is not maturing in the same way as a typical foetus. I therefore predict between seven to twenty eight days until she is born, based on the hormone levels in Faith’s blood.”
“Whoa. That’s pretty soon. Also, is anyone freaked out by a Buffy doing the Spock thing again?”
“Spock is the name of a very smart fictional character, and a paediatrician,” Buffybot said. “Thank you for the favourable comparison!”
“Also, my superior linguistic skills set me apart from Buffy 1.0,” she said with a teasing smile.
“Hey! I’m good with words!” Buffy said.
“De alguna manera lo dudo,” Buffybot smirked.
“I am not a dude!”
“BB, no seas una perra,” Faith said.
“Ok!” Buffybot said brightly.
“Well, I’ve always liked your special take on language, Buffy,” Willow said helpfully.
“Thanks Will. Hey, what do you mean ‘special?’”
“Oh hey look, our new home. We should look at it, and not be angry with anyone,” Willow said.
With that, she scurried off into the new building, Tara following closely behind.
“Great. Now I ride the short bus to school.”
“Relax B. Nobody’s good at everything.”
“Yeah, but you’re good at languages!”
Faith shrugged. “Yeah, but I suck at school. G’mon B, let’s check out the new digs.”
And Faith dragged Buffy into the new building.
“Not a thing you see every day,” Oz commented, looking around.
“Yeah, but consider the things we do see every day,” Xander said.
“Point.”
“Well I think it’s very impressive,” Giles said. “Shall we?”
“Come Xander. I want to look around our new house,” Anya said. “It is larger and more impressive than one we would have bought for ourselves.”
“That much marble would have cost millions,” he said as he entered the house.
+++
“-and over here is where the kitchen’s going to go,” Willow said enthusiastically. “We did all the channels and everything, so they can put it in in record time.”
The interior of the main part of the building reminded Dawn of the pictures she’s seen of the library of congress, a beautiful polished dome, with many narrow windows to let the light in. around a third of the way up was a mezzanine floor, made of a slightly lighter shade of marble.
“We’re sharing a kitchen?” Dawn said.
“Nope!” Willow said brightly. “Each house has its own small kitchen. This one is larger, for entertaining or feeding the troops over a big research session. And don’t forget, we can get ‘take-out’ from the campus.”
“Neat! Which house is mine?”
“Well, the upstairs area is Giles’ suite. And this one over here is mine and Tara’s. Other than that, pick one,” Willow said, almost bouncing with excitement.
“And this is going to be the library for all those books you brought home with you,” Buffy said to Dawn.
“And over here is our lounge, for when we just want to hang out and watch movies and things,” Willow said.
“And downstairs is our command center,” Xander said. “And Willow’s magic room, transporter pad and other stuff.”
“It’s really pretty,” Dawn said looking around. “And it’s also like, the gayest fortress in the world.”
Xander just stared blankly.
“Nothing gets past you does it?” Willow said, grinning.
“Uh, could someone explain, for the hard of thinking?” Xander said. “Not that I mind, but huh?”
“Well, the fortress part is easy,” Dawn explained. “There’s lots of windows, but they are all really narrow, and the walls are really thick. So human sized demons and vamps can’t get in.”
“Also we built it on a leyline, and shaped the whole building to channel wards,” Tara said.
“By the end of the week, this place is going to be tougher than Hogwarts,” Willow said brightly.
Buffy frowned. “Because bad things never got in there.”
“Hence the tougher part.”
“Well good then. And the gay part?”
“Well, we couldn’t really decide what colour to go for. So we ended up with white, with little bits of every other colour running through it.”
“It’s a veritable rainbow,” Tara said.
“I like the purple streaks,” Dawn said.
“I’m surprised you didn’t go for the green,” Buffy said.
“I like green, but it’s not my whole life,” Dawn said, eyes rolling. “Well, if we get to pick, I get dibs on this one,” she said, pointing. “I think it would be great to have Willow and Tara as neighbours.”
Giles cleared his throat. “You realize we are all going to be neighbours?”
“Sure. But I get to have Tara and Willow as
extra neighbours. I can wave at them through the kitchen window and stuff.”
“And then we put up curtains,” Willow said. “I’m envisioning entire weekends that don’t involve clothes at all. So it looks like we are getting curtains.”
“Good point. Curtains all around,” Buffy said.
“Already on it,” Xander said. “I have a catalogue for everyone to look through, for stuff like that.”
“This is gonna be so sweet!” Faith said. “I ain’t ever had a place to call my own. Not really. Closest I ever came was a place that the mayor got for me.”
She turned to Buffy. “We got a place, B! We got a place we can call our own!”
Buffy’s smile was radiant. “Somebody’s happy.”
“Are you kidding me? I’ve never had it so good! I’m getting married, having a baby, and moving into this beautiful new place, with all my friends. And this place doesn’t just look pretty, it’s also a frikkin’ fortress. How could I not be happy?”
Willow’s smile was almost as broad. Faith’s enthusiasm for anything tended to be infectious.
“So, Xander, how long is it going to take before we can live here,” Buffy asked.
“Not long. I already have the hardware for the wiring, central heating, aircon and internet. And the FBI were smart enough to plan ahead for expansion buildings, so connecting them up shouldn’t take long at all.”
He grinned. “Plus with what we are paying the local contractors, we will have it done in record time.”
“We also have some basic furniture,” Dawn said. “So we’ll all be able to live here while we decorate or buy our own furniture.”
“We can have this place liveable inside of maybe three days,” Xander said. “Seriously, compared to the materials costs, paying the contractors double time, or even triple time to work through the night, is nothing compared to what it would cost to put up a building like this. This is like, a thousand tons of polished marble. You don’t want to know how much that would cost to buy.”
“Wow. We’re paying them that much?” Buffy said.
“Sure. I already got most of the hardware, carpet and other stuff, so they won’t be working for long.”
“And downstairs I’m going to set up a sort of communications hub,” Willow said.
Xander grinned. “Command centre?”
“And that’s just one reason I did this while Andrew was away.”
“There are only so many superhero and comic references one can take,” Giles said dryly.
“And if he makes another Scooby-doo reference or calls me Supergirl one more time, I’m likely to stuff him in a sack and lose him in the basement,” Buffy said.
“I think you’ll be safe for the near future. I have accelerated our backup plans for a stronghold in Europe. Given our current troubles, it seemed prudent, so we shan’t be seeing him for a while.”
“Ugh, I forgot to ask with all the drama we’ve been having. How is that going?” Buffy asked.
“Quite well. We now own a castle. I think that Andrew took me rather too literally when I told him to get somewhere… defensible. Other than that, things are going swimmingly. We have most of a duplicate library now, and have made contact with a number of watcher families. In the event of a terrible catastrophe, our work will carry on.”
“So relax everyone, it’s safe to get killed,” Xander said cheerfully.
“Yay?” Dawn said uncertainly.
“Yes well, let’s try to avoid that fate for as long as possible, shall we?”
“Gets my vote. So B? where do ya wanna shack up?”
“On the other side of the building from Willow and Tara,” Buffy replied.
Willow looked a little upset. “Hey, c’mon Buff, we’re not that noisy.”
“Huh?” Buffy said, confused.
She shook her head.
“No, not that Will. It’s just that you’re perfectly placed to catch the morning sun. We’re up till all hours, and that would really be annoying. I want the evening sun.
Not because I want to be away from you guys. Besides, it’s only a few meters difference.”
“Oh right. Sorry,” Willow said.
“Besides, with stone walls this thick, we can make all the noise we like, and no one’s going to hear anything.”
“And I shall be upstairs,” Giles said. “Even further away. Thankfully.”
“No walk of shame for you huh, G-man?”
“I rather think not,” he said with a faint frown.
A slow smirk spread across his face, “Joyce can orb after all.”
“Giles!” Buffy protested.
“Yes dear?”
Buffy just glared.
“Well, I think I’m going to have a place on the side, to get the afternoon sun,” Dawn said.
Buffy looked ready to object, but after a moment she relaxed.
“You know, I was going to object,” she said. “But I realized, it’s just habit. You’re grown up now. It’s time you left the nest.”
Dawn rolled her eyes, though she smiled slightly. “Because I haven’t had my own room for years. And we are still in the same building.”
“Plus I don’t want to live with you, which is the only alternative,” Buffy replied with a faint smile.
“Hey, I plan on having naked weekends too. Having you two around would really cramp my style.
Buffy just sighed.
“Tá a fhios agat, is maith liom Pussy freisin. A lán, go raibh maith agat," Dawn said.
Tara coughed.
Giles just sighed. “Then I imagine we’ll be seeing a good deal of your two offsiders?”
Dawn grinned. “Well, more of Heather than Jules, but yeah.”
Tara shot Dawn an admonishing look. “Well, we should turn one of the buildings into a guest house. It would be nice to have somewhere a little less dorm-like for Oz and Devon when they visit.”
Oz nodded. “Cool. Thanks.”
“And for other friends to stay too.”
“This is gonna be great!” Xander said.
+++