Title: Neverland Author: EasierSaid Feedback: Yes, please. Spoilers: None. Setting: AU. There is no Hellmouth, there is no slayer and no magic of the wicca variety. Just our girls and the rest of the Buffy characters living and loving in that great city by the bay, San Francisco. Rating: NC-17 Disclaimer: Please don't sue me Mutant Enemy. Notes: Confessions and stuff.
Thoughts in italics
PART 74
Xander looked up from his TV, a slice of pizza inches from his open mouth, and his eyebrows arched; someone was knocking on his door, and the someone wasn’t happy. He quickly reviewed the math in his head, recalculating the tip he gave the delivery guy as he placed the slice on a plate and walked to the door. He peeked through the peephole and his face screwed up. “Buffy?” He said aloud, his voice laced with surprise. He opened the door to reveal a very stern looking Buffy. “Buffy, what are you–“
She held up her hand cutting him off. “I canceled a date that I had been looking forward to for two weeks to drive down here. Tomorrow, we take these back,” she said, holding up a small box containing the earrings from Annabelle’s her old friends had gifted her with weeks earlier. “But right now we are going to talk about the last two years.” She stormed into the apartment and past a flabbergasted Xander.
“Okay then.” He shut the door. “Pizza?”
***************************************************************
They kissed and Willow shivered, her skin raising in bumps. “Are you cold?” Tara asked, concerned as her fingertips ran lightly over the girl’s raised skin.
“A little bit,” the redhead answered with a shiver.
“Come on,” the blonde said, untangling herself from Willow so they could get under the covers. They awkwardly pulled the blanket and sheet back, giggling the whole time and then settled in next to each other beneath the covers, creating a warm cocoon.
“You’re my girlfriend,” Willow said suddenly, her face exploding into a million-watt smile. Tara felt her heart skip a beat and her own face broke out into a wide grin. “I have a girlfriend,” Willow continued. “And it’s you. You’re my girlfriend.” She shimmied slightly, eliciting a light laugh from the blonde. “I mean, that’s okay to say, right? That you’re my girlfriend?” The redhead asked, suddenly worrying that she was being presumptuous.
“Yes, that’s okay,” Tara replied deadpan, laughing. “I mean, I kind of hope you think of me as your girlfriend, what, with the nakedness and all,” she said, looking down at their entwined bodies with a lopsided smile.
“My girlfriend,” Willow said sweetly, leaning in and gently kissing the blonde. “Who is you.”
“Who is me,” Tara said as she watched the redhead pull away. She shook her head, amazed by it all, and then chuckled.
“What?” Willow asked, amused.
“I was just, thinking about the other time I was your girlfriend,” Tara said with a smile. Willow frowned, not following. “At the kitten club?”
“That was hot,” the redhead said, her skin flushing, and the blonde’s brows arched in surprise. “Uh, yeah,” the redhead said, responding to the blonde’s dubious look. “Totally hot.”
Tara momentarily dipped her head, embarrassed. “I thought I was making you uncomfortable.”
“You were,” the redhead said, grinning widely as she traced her hands along Tara’s naked flesh beneath the covers. “Just, in a sort of, ‘gonna die if you don’t take me in that bathroom stall right now’ sort of way.”
“In the bathroom stall, huh,” Tara said, amused, as she wrapped an arm around Willow’s warm body.
“It was dire,” Willow said.
“Poor baby,” Tara replied, leaning in and kissing the girl. “You must have been so frustrated.”
The redhead shivered, but this time not from the cold. “Nothing a little poker on my phone couldn’t cure,” she said. “And you know. Sexy dreams.”
Tara propped herself up on her elbow and looked at the redhead. “You um, you have a pretty active subconscious,” she said. “That’s the second or third time you’ve mentioned sexy dreams.”
“Yeah,” Willow blushed. “We um. I mean, in my dreams, we’ve uh–“
“Done this before?” Tara asked, reaching over and taking Willow’s hand.
“Yes,” Willow said, embarrassed. “I actually have been snoozing a lot lately to try and stay in them,” she added sheepishly.
Tara raised her brows in surprise. All those mornings… She herself blushed when she remembered this past Wednesday and the look on Willow’s face as they had coffee together and the topic of dreams came up. The blonde’s lips curled into a delighted smile. “I thought you just weren’t a morning person.”
Willow’s face broke into a large grin despite her embarrassment. “Well, that too…”
Tara moved her hand down the redhead’s arm and took the girl’s hand to play with her fingers. “So, in the dreams we…”
“Are… naked…” Willow confirmed, her face hot. “And… doing thing.”
Tara cocked her head, amazed, and took in the redhead. “I can’t believe you dreamed about me like that.”
“All the time,” Willow said, turning to look at the blonde, their eyes locking. “I mean. Not every night or anything,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I don’t remember my dreams every night, a-and they’re not always sexy, I mean, sometimes it’s just…”
“What?” Tara urged, her eyes never leaving Willow’s face.
“Us, together.”
The blonde nodded, understanding.
Willow smiled widely. “Real life is way better though.”
Tara laughed at that, leaning forward and gifting the girl with a kiss. She started to retreat, but was pulled back into the redhead’s arms, the fun kiss quickly turning heated. Tara gasped and she pulled the girl close. “How do you do that?” She asked, Willow’s lips kissing along her neck.
“Do what?” Willow asked innocently.
“Make me feel like I’m on fire.”
“Luck?” the redhead replied, awed by the reaction she was getting.
“That’s not luck,” Tara chuckled before gasping, Willow’s hands cupping her breasts. “Oh god.”
“I want…” The redhead swallowed her words, too embarrassed to say what she desired.
“What?” The blonde urged.
“I want to go down on you,” Willow finally said as she exhaled, her face as red as her hair.
“Oh,” Tara said, surprised.
“Is that okay?” Willow asked quickly, unsure.
The blonde nodded, momentarily unable to speak. “Yes,” she finally said. She was nervous, and suddenly very self-conscious, but the idea of Willow’s head between her legs… She swallowed hard.
“Okay,” Willow said through a wide smile. She leaned forward and kissed Tara’s ear, her tongue slowly snaking out and licking at the blonde’s skin. Tara groaned and Willow exhaled shakily. “I get so turned on when I think about it,” the redhead said quietly as she kissed down the blonde’s neck. “That’s the first dream I ever had about you…”
The blonde squirmed, aroused, Willow’s words doing as much as her tongue. “Oh.” She didn’t think she’d be able to string together a coherent sentence right now if she tried.
Willow rolled the blonde onto her back. She wanted Tara, wanted to taste her, to make her come again, but now that she had voiced her desire she was incredibly nervous. She knew the basics, but knowing and doing were sometimes two very different things. She smiled nervously and felt herself relax when Tara smiled back. The redhead leaned down and gently kissed the blonde’s lips and she sighed when she felt Tara’s hands lightly wind into her hair. She eased away from the blonde’s face and kissed her collarbone, and then the soft patch of skin between her breasts, Tara arching her back slightly as the redhead’s tongue snaked out and moved up over the swell of her breast. The blonde’s nipple was already stiff, and Willow moved her tongue gently around it, enjoying the feeling of the girl in her mouth, Tara’s hands still gently wound in her hair. After a brief exploration of the girl’s other breast, Willow continued down, placing gentle kisses along the blonde’s soft stomach, until she had to stop to shift her own body between the girl’s legs. Tara pulled her hands back to her own body and Willow smiled at the girl.
“Are you cold?” Willow asked as the blanket and sheet pooled at the foot of the bed.
“No,” Tara said nervously, her hands resting gently on her stomach.
Willow nodded and smiled again before looking down at the girl before her. She ran her fingers lightly down the inside of Tara’s left thigh, careful not to tickle, and sighed when the blonde’s legs fell open a little wider. She was beautiful, spread open before her, and Willow took a deep breath to steady herself; her heart was racing, and she felt a jolt between her legs. She lowered her head and kissed the inside of the blonde’s thigh where her fingers had just been. “You’re beautiful,” she murmured, as she moved her head over to the girl’s other thigh, where she placed another gentle kiss, Tara’s legs falling open just a little bit more. “So incredibly beautiful.” Willow lowered her head and placed a gentle kiss between the girl’s legs and she heard Tara gasp and then sigh. The girl’s hair was slightly coarse under her lips, slick and aromatic in a way that made the redhead’s heart pound in her chest and her hips roll against the mattress. Willow repeated the kiss, adding a little more pressure and she sighed herself when she felt the girl’s wetness on her lips. Her tongue reached out, and she dropped her head and slowly licked her length.
Tara let loose a ragged groan. Willow’s tongue was soft and wet, and it slid through her easily. The redhead repeated the action, and Tara felt her wetness pour from her. She didn’t know until that moment how much she had wanted this. She had dreamed about it before, fantasized even, and if you had asked her ten minutes before if she was sated she would have said yes, believing it completely… But the feeling of Willow’s tongue gliding inside of her, through her, gently circling her clit before heading back down made her surge with a lust she didn’t know she was capable of feeling.
The redhead repeated her path, her tongue broad as she moved up the blonde. When her tongue found the blonde’s clit, she heard Tara gasp. The sound was intoxicating. Willow repeated the action and heard the blonde gasp again, and she was hooked. She brought her tongue up, and started to lick Tara’s clit, her excitement driving her.
Tara writhed, but not from pleasure. “Slower,” she gasped and Willow stilled her movements completely. “I’m sorry,” the blonde said with embarrassment as she looked down her body and saw the redhead’s wide eyes looking up at her anxiously. “I’m a little more sensitive than I thought.”
“Did I hurt you?” Willow asked nervously, holding her breath as she waited for an answer.
“No,” Tara replied, her breath uneven, her body aching with need.
The redhead relaxed a little, relieved. “Do you want me to stop?”
“No,” the blonde answered quickly, her voice more forceful than she expected. She definitely didn’t want her to stop. “Just, start slow?”
The redhead nodded. She took a deep breath to calm her nerves and then dropped her head and gently kissed the girl. She then slowly licked her in a broad, soft stroke; she heard Tara sigh so she repeated the action. She brought her tongue up and gently went in a lazy circle around the girl’s clit. The blonde’s loud groan excited Willow, but she quickly checked it, dragging her tongue down and then back up before bringing her tongue around in an another agonizingly slow circle, hoping to hear Tara groan again.
She was rewarded with a ragged sigh so she circled again, before licking her length and lightly passing over the girl’s clit. “Oh…” Tara sighed, her body humming. “Yes…”
Willow did it again, settling into a rhythm, remembering with each pass to keep things slow and gentle despite the desire to give into her passion and move her tongue as quickly as her heart beat. Tara’s hips started to roll, reaching up to meet her and Willow softly moaned at the feeling, pleasure building between her own legs. She pushed aside her urge to take the girl, quickly and wantonly, and concentrated on letting Tara’s body tell her what to do. Her tongue slid up, searching, tasting and she softly sighed as she glided over the girl’s clit.
The blonde groaned as Willow’s tongue gently lathed her clit. The feeling was exquisite, teasing and hot, but she needed more. “Harder,” she said, breathily, her hips pressing up into the redhead’s mouth. “Please.” Willow instantly complied, matching her pace to the blonde’s rolling hips. Oh god she’s good at this, Tara thought, the pressure building as the redhead licked her. Loved her. “Willow, oh god,” Tara said, gasping, her hips bucking, her legs open wide, feet pushing on the mattress. She panted as the redhead’s tongue pressed into her, the girl’s freckled hands holding her hips tight as she writhed. Soft sounds escaped the blonde’s lips and she felt her orgasm building as her legs start to shake on either side of Willow’s head. Tara groaned once, “Oh god,” before she felt herself explode; her body twisted and her back arched up off of the bed as she came, her hands instantly flying to Willow’s head and stilling her movement.
The redhead froze, her tongue pressed gently against the girl’s clit, her green eyes wide as she watched Tara come, the blonde’s head thrown back, eyes closed. I’ll never get tired of seeing this, Willow thought, amazed. Never. It was easily her favorite thing to see in the world. She watched, rapt, as Tara eased back onto the bed, her hands freeing Willow’s head, her arms going limp against her sides. The redhead gently removed her mouth and kissed the inside of the girl’s thigh.
“Wow,” Tara said, blinking her eyes open. She licked her cold lips and reached up a hand. “Come here.” Willow wiped her face discreetly on the sheets and then crawled up the blonde’s body, pulling the sheet and blanket up over them as she did. She curled into the blonde’s side, covering them both, sighing as she felt Tara wrap a strong arm around her shoulders. “Mmmm, thank you,” the blonde purred, nuzzling into the redhead with a contented smile.
“My pleasure,” Willow said with a proud, shy smile, draping her arm loosely over the blonde’s stomach. She felt the blonde sigh again and the redhead rested her head on the pillow next to the girl. She was surprised, then, when she felt Tara roll toward her, the blonde capturing her lips in a passionate kiss. Willow bit back a groan.
“I want to return the favor,” Tara said, her voice low and sultry as she broke the kiss, pulling the redhead close.
“Oh,” Willow said, her brow quirking. She hadn’t considered that maybe Tara would want to do that, too. “Uh, later?” She said, her eyes pleading as the blonde’s face registered confusion. “I haven’t showered since this morning and it’s been a long day and…” She momentarily dipped her eyes before looking back up, hoping the girl would understand. “You know.”
Tara was disappointed but tried not to let it show. “I don’t mind.”
“That’s super sweet, it’s just—I do,” the redhead said apologetically. “I know, it’s weird–”
“It’s not weird, I totally get it.” Tara said gently and Willow’s heart melted. “Whatever you want.”
“An IOU,” Willow said, leaning forward and kissing the blonde.
“Promise?” Tara asked, tucking away her disappointment as she tasted herself on the girl’s lips.
“Promise,” Willow whispered. She kissed the girl and felt her desire flare, the blonde’s tongue teasing at her lips. She wound her hands in Tara’s hair and kissed her again, deeper, longer. “I want you,” the redhead murmured breathlessly. She kissed the girl again and felt the blonde groan into her mouth. “Now.”
Tara rolled onto her back, pulling Willow on top of her and parted the redhead’s legs with her thigh. “Now is good.” She gripped either side of Willow’s hips and rocked her into her thigh, pressing up as she did so, the redhead sighing in pleasure. The redhead was wet, and Tara sighed shakily, knowing it was from pleasing her. She slipped her hand between Willow’s legs and the girl groaned, grinding against her fingers. Then Tara’s hand shifted, and Willow groaned again, feeling a finger enter her.
“Oh god,” Willow sighed, her hips retreating and then again bearing down, taking the finger deep inside of her.
Tara was amazed as she watched Willow’s face awash in pleasure. When they’d made love earlier it had been so urgent, so intense; about giving and receiving pleasure frantically. But now, as Willow rode her hand, propped up on her arms, the blonde was allowed to watch her, to appreciate the moment and it blew her away. There were no words that could describe the beauty as Willow’s eyes fluttered closed, her lips parted, her breasts gently swaying above her. Tara let her eyes wander the length of the girl’s body, awed by what she saw. And the feeling of being inside the girl… She swallowed hard as she watched Willow retreat and then take her deep again. Warm, soft and wet. It surpassed every fantasy she ever had by a factor of a million. Tara reached up with her free hand and squeezed Willow’s breast, flicking her nipple with her thumb. Willow opened her eyes and met Tara’s gaze. They stared for a moment before Willow leaned down and captured Tara’s lips in a searing kiss, her hips thrusting, the blonde’s finger performing magic inside of her.
“I love you,” Willow said, and Tara moaned, moving her hand slightly, the heel of her palm rubbing against the redhead’s clit. Willow gasped. “Tara,” she said, her voice breathy and needy, and she felt Tara’s free hand reach down and strongly grip her hip. “Yes.” Tara rocked her own hips, setting a rhythm and felt Willow speed up, her hips starting to rock harder, faster. “Tara,” Willow said again, feeling all semblance of control fleeing her. Her head lolled forward and she panted hard, sweat covering her body in a light sheen, her hips helplessly thrusting against Tara. “Don’t stop,” she said, her eyes screwing closed, her entire body taut with expectant pleasure as the blonde’s finger drove deep inside of her. She came before she’d expected to with a sharp gasp and violent shudder, and as she sighed, pleasure radiating from between her legs throughout her body, she vaguely registered Tara’s free hand grabbing onto her hip and stilling her.
The redhead’s rocking stopped under the blonde’s grasp; Willow breathed deep, her skin flush and hot. She opened her eyes and saw Tara looking at her with a naked adoration that momentarily caught her gasping breath. Wow… Willow swallowed hard and then gingerly eased her hips up and off of Tara’s finger; she then gently laid next to the girl on her back, panting and smiling at the ceiling. “I feel like I have no bones,” she said as she sighed loudly, and she heard Tara chuckle in return. “I’m serious. Just jelly.”
The blonde watched the girl’s profile as she caught her breath, love pushing out of her and seeming to settle over them like a protective halo. Willow turned and looked at her and they smiled. The redhead rolled onto her side and nuzzled her head into Tara’s temple, and they settled together, holding each other for a long while under the fairy light’s warm glow.
“What happened to your knee?” Tara asked softly.
“Huh?” Willow asked, her brow furrowing.
“The bruise,” she said, referencing the faded yellow circle on Willow’s knee. “It looked big.”
“Oh.” The redhead smiled, dragging her leg up to drape lightly over the blonde’s hips. “Funny story: I ran into the coffee table. It’s actually why I wore pants instead of a skirt to Morgan’s party.”
"You ran into the coffee table?" Tara asked as she smoothed her hand featherlight over Willow's knee.
"Ogling you." Tara's eyebrows shot up to her hairline and Willow continued, a wide grin on her face. "At your party, the, pre-gallery party? I was watching you and saw you were wearing the bracelet I gave you and I just sort of, got all distracted by how beautiful you were and walked smack dab into the table." She paused. "And then Anya said I wanted to have sex with you. Which, I did. Just, rude."
"Ah," Tara said, a smile pulling at her lips. "I wondered why you disliked her so much."
"Oh no," Willow said seriously, shaking her head. "I hate her."
“Hate’s a pretty strong word,” the blonde said softly as her brow quirked and her lips turned into a little frown.
“Yeah, well…” the redhead said, her voice lacking contrition.
The blonde rolled her eyes. Willow was nothing if not stubborn. “You know, I painted something yesterday,” she said, trailing her fingers up the redhead’s arm.
“At Marissa’s studio?” Willow asked, wondering at the topic change.
The blonde nodded, her fingers never ceasing moving on the redhead’s arm. “I made a huge mess.”
“Is that what you were doing this morning? Cleaning up?”
“Uh huh,” the blonde said. Here goes nothing… “Anya loaned us her truck so we could move my painting to the gallery.” She looked out of the corner of her eye to catch the redhead’s reaction.
“The gallery?” Willow said, stubbornly skipping Anya’s contribution. “You’re going to sell it?” Granted, the redhead didn’t know much about the art world, but that seemed fast.
“No,” Tara said, her brow quirking at how Willow had managed to side-step acknowledging her praise of the shop owner. “I’m going to bring it home, I just, needed someplace to store it temporarily.”
“Oh,” Willow said. “Why didn’t you just bring it home?”
“It’s not dry,” the blonde explained, wondering exactly how the redhead had managed this tangent. “I didn’t want to risk moving it so far. We were sort of lucky to get it to the gallery without totally ruining it.”
“Oh.”
The blonde sighed, returning to where she’d left off. “The painting, it’s really big, and the only way to move it was using Anya’s truck. She brought over all of the paint I needed to replace the stuff I used, too.” She again looked out of the corner of her eye at Willow’s face.
Willow sighed and rolled her eyes. “That was nice,” she said grudgingly, and Tara chuckled, squeezing the girl’s shoulders.
“I know she’s crass, and blunt–“
“And rude, don’t forget the rude,” Willow said, her brows arched.
“And rude,” Tara allowed with a lopsided smile. “But she has a good heart.”
“Yeah, well,” Willow grumbled. “Her heart should tell her mouth to shut up sometimes.”
Tara hugged the girl close. “Even when she’s telling the truth…?” She led, her voice playful.
“She didn’t have to say it out loud,” the redhead replied, blushing.
The blonde laughed. “You think she’s bad now…” She arched her brows, a smirk on her lips. “Wait until she finds out about this.” She looked down at their bodies and smiled.
“Wonderful,” Willow harrumphed, rolling her eyes.
Tara smiled and kissed the crown of the redhead’s head, and the two settled back into the quiet, holding each other, enjoying the feeling of just being. After a long while, Tara spoke, her voice tentative. “Will…”
“Hmm?” The redhead replied, placing a small kiss on the blonde’s shoulder.
“I know you came out to your mom, a-and Buffy…”
“Yeah,” Willow said, her brow furrowing. She really didn’t want to think about either of those conversations.
“I just, I mean,” the blonde said, her voice halting, nerves getting in the way. “Are you, out to just them, or–“
“Everyone,” Willow said, quick to reassure Tara. “I’m out to everyone, everywhere.” She smiled brightly as she angled her neck and saw a look of relief on the blonde’s face. “I plan on telling everyone at work about how I have this really sexy girlfriend when we get back into the office.” The blonde blushed brightly. “I’m probably gonna brag,” Willow said, delighting at the color of Tara’s cheeks. “That’s okay, right?”
“Yes,” the blonde said with a nod, her heart close to bursting with happiness. “So… If I were to invite you to a party this Friday at the gallery that Marissa is hosting, it’d be okay if I held your hand…?”
“You better,” Willow said through a pixieish smile. “I mean, not to be all possessive or anything, but I kind of want all of those other ladies to know that you’re sort of spoken for.”
Tara smiled and nodded; she knew that ‘all those other ladies’ meant Morgan, and her stomach clenched. Even after all of the blonde’s assurances at cake, all of her assurances in front of the fire, Willow still thought of Morgan as her ‘perfect girl.’ “Sort of?” Tara said gamely, trying to hide her discomfort.
“Totally and completely,” Willow said happily, unaware of the thoughts clouding Tara’s mind as she placed a kiss on the blonde’s cheek.
Tara nodded again, smiling through a nervous exhale. Now that she knew how long Willow had had feelings for her she understood why that throwaway line at the bar had resonated with the redhead so much, and it made her sick to think she had made the beautiful girl feel so insecure for so long. She briefly closed her eyes, hoping that Willow hadn’t spent the whole three years with that in her head, that it was something that only came back to her when she met Morgan for the first time.
Willow sighed dreamily and nestled into the blonde. “You know, I think this is the happiest I’ve ever been.”
Tara smiled, the feeling of the girl pressing into her pushing the dark thoughts away, and she concentrated on holding Willow in her arms. “Me too,” she said into the redhead’s hair. This wasn’t the time, but sometime soon she needed to make sure that Willow understood how unintentional and frivolous her ‘perfect girl’ description had been, that for the last three years, the only ‘perfect girl’ she’d thought about had red hair, pale, freckled skin and a distinct lack of artistic talent. The blonde closed her eyes, reveling in the feel of the redhead’s warm body curled up against her.
“Tara…” Willow finally said, her voice nervous.
“Willow…” Tara replied, her eyes fluttering open as she smiled into Willow’s temple; the redhead smiled briefly in return.
“I know you said earlier that you didn’t figure out, I mean, about me and Xander until this week…”
“Yeah…?” Tara asked, not knowing where Willow was going with this.
“Did you know?” Willow asked, her voice vulnerable and curious. “I mean, before today, that I was in love with you?”
Tara face quirked. “Sort of. I suspected for the last week that you might have feelings for me, but it didn’t make sense.”
“Because I wasn’t out,” Willow said, guiltily.
“And other stuff,” Tara said, running her hand gently along the redhead’s arm.
“Xander stuff,” Willow said.
“And my own stuff,” Tara said generously, not wanting the redhead to be upset. “I let myself believe it yesterday,” she confessed and then smiled, remembering something. “I almost wore the bracelet you gave me tonight, but I think a little part of me thought that if I did that I’d um, jinx things.” She dipped her head. “Did you… Did you know?”
“That you loved me?” Tara nodded and Willow nodded in reply. “When you tried to kiss me. I had been so focused on trying to get you to like me, and maybe even fall in love with me, that I didn’t even consider that you might already have feelings for me before then. But when you tried to kiss me… I knew.”
Tara rolled to her side, the sheets rustling beneath them as they got comfortable and she stared at Willow. The redhead was so incredibly beautiful; Tara sighed and caressed the girl’s face. “You know, I thought I had everything figured out yesterday,” she said, briefly pursing her lips. “I mean, that you loved me… But I thought you realized that you might have feelings for me three weeks ago; the morning after the club.” The air was thick between them, each processing the blonde’s words. “I’m sort of having a hard time wrapping my brain around the, three years, thing,” she admitted softly.
“Me too,” Willow whispered. The mood suddenly felt heavy; heavier than it deserved to be and the redhead silently sighed. Time with Tara shouldn’t be heavy, not right now. They had just found each other, their time together should be fun and happy. She looked into Tara’s questioning blue eyes and her heart broke a little. She hated that the last three years had been so hard for her. Unrequited love for a straight girl? She pushed down the guilt and sighed. “I’m actually surprised that you didn’t know earlier,” the redhead said with a small smile, her voice making it obvious that she was teasing. Maybe if they could joke about it, if Tara knew how much she had been desired it would make things better. “I was totally checking out your boobs that day in the park.” The blonde blushed and a sly smile pulled at Willow's lips; the feeling of openly flirting was exciting and new. "They looked so amazing in that shirt, the one with the dragons on the front?" She added, and Tara just stared, dumbfounded. "I can’t believe you didn't notice because in retrospect I was staring at them all day.”
The blonde cleared her throat. "I um, I still have that shirt."
"Really?" Willow asked, intrigued.
Tara nodded. "I kept a lot of things from that day.” She smiled softly, her gaze sincere.
Willow nodded, understanding the significance. A mischievous smile curled her lips. "Would you wear it for me some time?"
Tara's face broke into a huge, beaming smile. "Any time."
"You know,” Willow started, her voice flirty. “I left the room that night and finished sleeping in Buffy's room because I had a sexy dream about you." Tara's eyebrows arched high. "Like, a really sexy dream. Sexiest dream ever," the redhead finished, a bright blush on her face.
Tara blushed too. She was stunned; she couldn’t believe Willow felt that way about her three years ago. And, having just been on the receiving end of what that dream had been about… “W-Wow.”
"I thought you'd be able to tell,” Willow said, the blush deepening.
“Really?” the blonde asked curiously.
“That you’d… smell… me,” the redhead said, averting her eyes, embarrassed.
“Oh,” Tara said, her own face flushing. They lay still for a while, gently caressing, Tara thinking back on that night. What would it have been like if things had gone differently, if Willow had told her how she’d felt; would they have made love then, even with Oz in the picture? The longer they were quiet though the more the guilt built up inside of the blonde. It wasn’t right that Willow didn’t know about what had actually happened that night. What she had heard. The blonde took a deep breath and then spoke fast. "I heard you on the phone that night.”
Willow's brow furrowed. “What?” She asked, the sheets rustling under her as she twisted her body to stare at the blonde.
"I had to go to the bathroom and when I woke up, you weren't there,” Tara said, her eyes nervously meeting Willow’s. “I heard you on the phone when I went into the hallway."
"You did?" the redhead asked, her voice small.
The blonde nodded. “I thought maybe Buffy had come home, but, you were talking to Oz..."
Willow didn’t dare speak; she was in shock. Her hands were suddenly cold and her heart thundered inside her chest.
The blonde took another deep breath. “I heard you say that you felt like Buffy had ditched you with me and that we didn't have anything in common and that you might as well have w-walked around with a stranger all day.”
Willow's jaw dropped.
"It s-sounds like I was eavesdropping,” Tara continued quickly, hoping she could erase, or at least ease the stricken look on Willow’s face. “But it honestly happened so fast; I went back into my room as soon as I realized that you were on the phone."
"I didn't mean it," the redhead blurted as she sat up in a panic, her eyes wide, her hand clutching the sheet to her chest. "About you, I just, I was freaking out from the sexy dream and–"
"It's okay, you don't have to explain,” the blonde said, surprised by Willow’s vehement reaction.
"No, I do,” Willow said, shifting to better face Tara. “I– I was so freaked out. I’d just had this incredible, mind-blowing sex dream about this beautiful girl that I had just spent this amazing day with, and that had never happened before, the incredible sex dream or the wanting a girl before, and it was like my only options were to call Oz or kiss you, and kissing you seemed way too scary–“
"Will–"
“I can’t believe…” The redhead shook her head, utterly discomposed. “I am so, so sorry that you heard that."
"It's okay,” the blonde repeated. She had expected the redhead to be surprised, maybe annoyed or even angry, but not this; the look on Willow’s face was full of self-loathing.
"How is that okay?” Willow asked, her voice tight. “I remember what I said, how I said it." She shook her head. "Is that why you asked if I was mad at you the next morning?"
The blonde blushed and averted her eyes.
"Oh god," the redhead said, the color running from her face.
"Willow,” the blonde said calmly, making eye contact.
"All these years, you thought that I didn’t like you, th-that you were nothing to me; Tara…”
“Willow, please,” The blonde pleaded. It wasn’t right for Willow to put all of this on herself. Tara awkwardly pulled herself up to sit, holding the blanket to her chest. “I said things, too.”
“Super nice things,” Willow said, still panicking.
“I lied,” Tara confessed. “Three years ago, at the bar?” The blonde’s stomach knotted. Apparently the time to set Willow straight about her ‘perfect girl’ was now.
“What?” Willow asked, her panic momentarily paused.
“I d-didn’t have a ‘perfect girl,’” the blonde said guiltily, her cheeks flush. “I m-mean, I did, in high school; the description, w-what I said, it was w-what I wanted in high school, but by the time I said it that night…”
“Then why did you say it?” The redhead asked, confused.
“To hurt your feelings?” Tara said, unsure. She watched the redhead’s brow knit. “Only, I thought you d-didn’t care, about me, so…” Shame colored her cheeks and she rolled her eyes. “I don’t know why, it was petty. I was hurt and I thought that, I don’t know, m-maybe it would remind me that I had a better chance at getting the ‘perfect girl’ I wanted in high school than you, the, actual, girl I wanted…”
“Oh,” Willow said, her brow still knit. So all those years, all those times she’d wonder what Tara would ever see in her, the tears over Morgan and her perfection…
Tara watched Willow’s face closely, the redhead’s brilliant mind churning, and the blonde grew more and more nervous as each second passed. “I had n-no idea that you’d care about, or even remember, what I’d said. I said it so fast and it seemed so…” She pursed her lips. “Temporary.” She paused and looked down before looking up. “When you brought it up at Citizen Cake last week, I just…” She exhaled sharply and placed her hand over her chest, her heart hurting. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I sh-should have told you earlier, before…” She looked down at their bodies, covered in only blankets on her bed.
“What? No,” the redhead said, blinking owlishly as she was brought back to the conversation. She thinks I’m angry… Willow leaned forward and kissed the blonde, hoping to reassure the girl of her continued affection. When Tara hesitated, Willow kissed her again and the blonde gratefully returned the kiss. “I’m not mad,” the redhead whispered as she briefly rested their foreheads together and then pulled away. “I’m just, trying to understand…” She met Tara’s nervous gaze. “It’s a lot of new information.”
The blonde dipped her head, nodding.
The redhead sighed. She hated to see Tara turning in on herself like this. “Tara,” she began softly, meeting the girl’s eye when she looked up. “You had every right to feel hurt by what I said, and what you said… I get it. What I said on the phone was horrible; I regretted it the second I said it. If anyone should have icky bad feelings about themselves right now it’s me.”
“No,” Tara said with a stern shake of her head. “You didn’t say it to hurt me; you didn’t even know I’d heard.”
“I blew you off the next morning,“ Willow countered.
“B-But I understand why you did,“ Tara said, offering a small, sympathetic smile.
“Now,” Willow said, the smile doing little to assuage her guilt. “But then…?” She shook her head. “And in the hallway at the bar, when Riley came up I got all weird, and then at your apartment the next day I was all, ‘hey,’“ she said in a creepy guy pick up voice.
“Willow,” Tara said.
“I treated you horribly,” Willow said, shaking her head, dazed. “I mean, all of that, all the, hot and cold, and, and how I acted when I moved in, all, standoffy and hermitish? And then the last two weeks with the flirting and the touching and the dating while being in the closet–”
“It doesn't matter,” Tara interrupted.
“But–“
"It doesn't matter," the blonde repeated as she awkwardly pulled the redhead into her arms. She kissed her temple and then rested their heads together. “Willow,” she said as she eased back and looked her in the eye. “This is all I’ve ever wanted. You’re all I’ve ever wanted.” Tara felt the girl relax a little as she traced her thumbs over her cheeks. “I don’t care about anything else.”
Willow nodded and took a deep breath, the blonde still gently cupping her face, her thumbs still gently caressing her cheeks. After a long moment Tara dropped her hands and gently tugged on the redhead’s arm until they laid back on the bed together, their heads sharing a pillow. The blonde wrapped her arms around Willow’s slim frame and sighed. “We didn’t know,” Tara said, the truth of her words affecting her more than she’d thought.
Willow nodded again, her mind spinning. Tara was right. “Can you imagine if we had?” The redhead asked almost rhetorically.
“No,” the blonde said. She squeezed the redhead and then relaxed. “Things probably would have been different.”
“Yeah…” Willow agreed, not allowing herself to wonder how different. She’d been down that road plenty and nothing good came of it. She sighed, hoping that the heaviness was gone for the night. She desperately wanted to get back to the flirting and happy snuggles. “So, are there any other phone conversations of mine that you’ve overheard that I should know about?” She asked looking up, hoping that a joke would ease the tension.
Instead she felt the blonde stiffen beneath her. “I’m so sorry,” Tara whispered and Willow’s brow furrowed. She had meant to lighten the mood, not make things worse.
“Hey,” the redhead said, propping herself on her elbow so she could see Tara’s face; she ran her hand down the girl’s arm. “I’m kidding,” she said with a soft smile, her brow quirking. She felt her stomach knot as she realized from the look on the blonde’s face that she’d said the exact wrong thing.
“I hope you know,“ Tara said, her gaze angled away from the redhead, “that I w-was never serious about seeing Morgan. I just, thought about it to maybe, I don’t know, distract myself from–“
“Being in love with a straight girl?” Willow finished, realizing the heavy part of their conversation wasn’t over. Not by a long shot. She met the blonde’s eye and frowned, saddened, when she saw the tears pooling in Tara’s eyes.
The blonde nodded, and all of the difficult emotions she’d felt over the last three years—the pain, the jealousy, the hurt—swallowed her whole. “It was r-really h-hard,” Tara said, her voice breaking around the words.
Willow’s face twisted in concern, her heart breaking. For three years. Tara had felt like this for three years. “Tara, I–” She stopped herself. What could she possibly say? “I’m sorry.”
The blonde shook her head and wiped at her eyes, pushing down her hurt and regaining composure. “You don’t have to be. I h-hurt you.”
“And I hurt you,” Willow said, watching the blonde carefully as the girl reined in her emotions, her blue eyes red-rimmed, turning up to face her. “I led you on, because I’m a dummy.” The redhead quickly continued talking when she saw Tara open her own mouth to speak. “I didn’t think you could like someone like me—and not just because of the perfect girl, thing—but because you’re so beautiful and talented and kind and I’m just, me.”
“Will–“
“And when I moved to San Francisco, in with you, I never even considered that you might like me, much less love me,” Willow continued, not willing to get distracted. “You were, ‘Buffy’s friend.’ A-And because you’re so nice, I just thought you were being nice to me because of that, or because of Buffy or whatever. But on Friday…” Willow sighed and Tara nodded, too choked up to speak. “I know you joked about it earlier,” the redhead said softly, her hand picking at the comforter. “But I do think it was like I was torturing you.”
“But it was worth it,” Tara said, searching the redhead’s gaze. “To be with you. To have you want to spend time with me.” She sighed. “I mean, I kn-know how pathetic that sounds–“
“It doesn’t,” Willow interrupted quietly. “I felt that way, too.”
The blonde nodded. “I kept feeling like something was, off, with us. Like there was, more…” Tara said. “That day that we spent in the park, that night–“
“Was perfect,” Willow finished, tracing her hand over Tara’s face.
The blonde nodded her head into Willow’s fingers. “It f-felt like–“
“I liked you,” Willow said slowly, understanding more deeply how difficult the last three years had been for Tara. How hopeless it must have felt.
The blonde again nodded. “And then everything after was so confusing. Including you asking me to come visit you in Cambridge.” She looked down at her hands. “I w-wanted to. But. You were still with Oz…“
“I’m sorry,” Willow said quickly, her throat tight, shame reddening her cheeks.
“And Buffy needed me,” Tara said, glossing over mention of the redhead’s ex.
“It was the wrong time,” the redhead said, understanding.
Tara briefly looked up and nodded.
There was a long moment of silence. “Why didn’t you date?” The redhead asked. “I mean. If you thought…” she sighed. “That I was straight, and not available…” She looked at the blonde’s downturned eyes intently. “I know people have asked you. Other, women,” she said with difficulty. Just the thought of the blonde having dinner with someone else turned her insides.
“They weren’t you,” Tara said softly.
Willow nodded. She took a deep breath. “Why Morgan?”
Tara looked up, her brow knitting, not understanding the question.
“I mean,” the redhead said, trying to sort through her jealousy to find the question she wanted. “If Morgan wasn’t your ‘perfect girl,’ why did you think about seeing her when you didn’t see the others?”
Tara shook her head slowly. She thought about the last three weeks, focusing especially on the first week after the kitten club. How torn up she was, how she had wanted Willow to move out. She struggled with how much to share of that time now that things were so good. “I was tired,” Tara finally said. “I mean.” She paused for a long moment, Willow watching her closely as she collected her thoughts. “I don’t think I slept the whole first week you lived here,” Tara said. “I was so excited.”
Willow nodded her head, her stomach churning. She had felt the same way, only she had dealt with it by hiding. Withdrawing. Making things worse.
“You didn’t seem to want to be here…” Tara said tentatively. “Didn’t seem interested in even being friends with me…“
“I was,” Willow said, regret flooding her frame. “Obviously, I was just… Afraid that I’d do something wrong, or that you would think I was some sort of stalker or something.”
Tara nodded. “And then the morning after the kitten club, you were kind of… mean.”
Willow exhaled, her shoulders sagging. She remembered how she had acted, rushing out of the apartment with a hastily packed bag of clothes, snapping at the blonde when she asked her simple questions… The redhead felt like shame had permanently burned her cheeks red. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, momentarily unable to find her full voice. “I was just confused.” Tara nodded her head. “I wanted you, so badly, but… I was stuck, a-and scared about coming out. And I knew you couldn’t be with me unless I was out and–“
“It’s okay, I understand,” Tara said, taking Willow’s hand and squeezing it before letting go. She didn’t need Willow to explain, she understood perfectly how frightening it was to come out, especially if you thought the reaction you were going to get from family and friends was less than supportive. The blonde was quiet again for a moment. “Morgan was interested in me. She wanted me for all of the things that I wanted from you, but couldn’t have…”
Willow nodded, her stomach in a knot, jealousy clenching her throat closed.
“I wanted you so much,” Tara said softly, achingly sincere, the words barely reaching Willow’s ears. “I wanted to make love with you, and hold your hand when we walked down the street but–“
“I was straight,” Willow said, choking out the words. “And Morgan wasn’t.”
Tara nodded. The blonde took a deep breath. “I’m not interested in her. Not even remotely. I was so, relieved, when she said she was backing off.” Her face quirked into a tired half smile and she met Willow’s eye. “She actually backed off because of you.”
“Me?” Willow asked, surprised.
“She said that it was obvious that I had feelings for you, that we had something between us, and she didn’t want to get in the way.”
“Oh,” the redhead said, her brow quirking. “That was nice,” she grumbled, conflicting feelings scrambling her thoughts.
Tara smiled and reached up, smoothing her hand over Willow’s face, watching with awe as the lines between her green eyes softened and then faded under her touch. The blonde thought long and hard about what she was about to say, and then spoke as she dropped her hand, her voice soft. “Up until a couple of days ago I hated Xander,” she admitted, forgoing her usual ‘intense dislike’ descriptor and Willow looked surprised.
“Hate’s a pretty strong word…” Willow said through a nervous smile, parroting Tara’s earlier words.
“It is,” the blonde agreed quietly, nodding her head but not taking her words back or apologizing for them. “I thought he was the most, insensitive, self-centered, jerk in the world.” The redhead’s jaw dropped, shocked to hear Tara describe anyone, much less the most supportive person in her life, like that. “I thought that you loved him,” the blonde continued quietly, the pain in her voice hard to miss. “That you were in love with him and that he was leading you on, playing with your heart.” She shook her head. “I was so jealous. That you wanted him, and that he treated you so badly in return… It made my blood boil.”
“I didn’t want him,” Willow said quickly. “I don’t, I haven’t since high school.”
“I know,” Tara said.
Willow nodded absently, accepting that Tara believed her. Willow looked down at the bed, her brow knitting as a memory of a tearful Tara near the secretary desk entered her mind. She had been watching a movie with Xander, had gone downstairs to get a bottle of water and found the blonde struggling with her shoes, ready to bolt. Tara had been crying because of her, because of them, had thought that her unrequited feelings were for a man who had propped her up for years. “I hate that you felt that way about him,” the redhead said quietly. “I mean, I get it, it’s just… He helped me so much. So many times I just, fell apart, and he put me back together.” She looked up and met Tara’s eye. “I don’t know what I would have done without him.”
Tara nodded. “And I am so grateful to him for that, but…” She sighed, finding the words difficult to speak. “I can’t just, erase, my feelings. I felt them.” The room was silent. “There will always be a time in my life when I hated him, and I can’t make that go away just because he didn’t deserve it in retrospect.”
“Yeah,” Willow said as she exhaled, nodding her head. She knew Tara was talking about her and Morgan, too.
Tara pursed her lips. “We’re probably going to learn a lot about each other now,” she said softly, seriously. “And some of it probably won’t be easy to hear, especially about the last three years.” She paused, taking Willow’s hand before meeting her eye and continuing. “But I hope you know that I love you, no matter what. I just, I don’t care about anything that happened before tonight as long as you love me, too.”
“I do,” Willow whispered back. “With my whole heart.”
Tara nodded again and they kissed, years of regret and yearning leaking into the ether as their lips moved. They eased apart and Willow rested her head on Tara’s shoulder, the girl encircling her in her arms. They lay together in silence, enjoying the closeness. "I did notice,” the blonde finally said.
"Hmm?" Willow asked, not following.
"About the staring that day in the park, a-and my shirt."
"You did?" Willow asked, angling her eyes up to take in the blonde’s profile.
"I didn't know for sure, but I hoped." Tara smiled softly. “I kept the other shirt too, the one I wore to bed that night; you seemed to like that one, too.”
“You have amazing breasts,” Willow said, gently bringing her hand up and cupping the girl’s right breast. She heard Tara sigh, contentedly. They lay together quietly for a long time.
“Will?”
“Hmm?” The redhead answered.
“Would you mind if I turned off the lights?” Tara asked softly.
“No, go ahead,” Willow said, propping herself up so the girl below her could move. The blonde shimmied to the edge of the bed and then leaned over, flicking the toggle for the lights with her thumb. The room instantly went dark, the diffused glow of yellow from the streetlight below illuminating the space nearest the windows. Tara shimmied back to her original spot and held her arm open for Willow; the redhead instantly molded back into her, resting her head on the blonde’s shoulder with a contented sigh.
They lay together in the dark quietly, fingers gently dancing over each other’s skin, their respective breaths becoming slow and relaxed. Willow slightly moved her head and spoke. “So your new painting’s big, huh?”
Tara nodded, the sheet rustling beneath her head. “Biggest I’ve ever done.”
Willow gently nodded in reply. That’s why Tara had been gone all day yesterday, why she’d needed help cleaning up this morning. Willow thought about all of the blonde’s other personal works and wondered at how much of herself she’d put into this new painting. “What does it look like?”
The blonde puffed out air. “I don’t think I can explain it.”
“Oh.”
“I look forward to showing it to you, though,” Tara said, rubbing her hand lightly along Willow’s arm.
“I look forward to seeing it,” the redhead replied with a grateful smile.
“You know, I listened to the last song on your CD yesterday,” Tara said.
“You did?” Willow asked, again angling her head up to look at the blonde’s silhouette in the dark. “What did you think?”
“I loved it,” Tara said, emotion swelling inside her. She lightly cleared her throat. “What’s it called?”
“‘Your Hand in Mine’,” Willow said quietly. “I love that song. It reminds me of your smile, the little half smile?" She looked up tentatively at Tara who had turned her head and watched her closely, waiting. "I love that smile... I smile when I think about it." She smiled bashfully and Tara smiled along with her, remaining quiet, listening. "I used to feel like I would split apart," the redhead confessed softly, the darkness around her urging her to continue. "When I looked at you, and you'd smile at me... I'd feel so much love and I was just so happy, I– I sorta felt like I'd split apart because of it, a-and sunshine would just burst through my skin and I'd explode. Poof." Willow looked back up at Tara. "You make me feel so much."
The blonde took a deep, shaky breath. She understood completely.
“What’s your painting called?” Willow asked. “If you want to share…“
“‘Your Hand in Mine’,” the blonde replied. “I don’t think it could be called anything else.”
The redhead nodded, too overwhelmed to speak as she reached up and took Tara’s hand in her own, resting them gently on the blonde’s chest. She felt the girl’s heart beating against her fingers, and she sighed happily.
Silence once again settled between them, long minutes of near-synchronized breathing. “It’s started raining again,” Tara finally whispered, looking to the window and the water that had begun to tap against the glass. She looked down and noticed that Willow was still, her breath deep and slow. The blonde smiled softly, realizing the redhead had once again fallen asleep wrapped in her embrace. Tara returned her gaze to the ceiling, her mind contemplating the night as the redhead laid next to her, their hands intertwined and resting on the blonde’s chest. Then suddenly a movement caught Tara’s attention. In her grasp, Willow’s fingers began to move—little twitches, squeezing and then releasing the blonde’s slender fingers. Tara turned her gaze to look at the girl and saw that Willow was still asleep when the twitches happened again. The redhead was out, and Tara smiled to have in her hand proof of Willow’s trust. The redhead slept, and Tara held her hand, eventually slipping into her own, content slumber.
***************************************************************
Tara woke first, the sound of distant thunder reverberating around her room. She twisted her neck slowly, seeing the rain slapping against her windows, and again she heard the slow rumbling sound she always associated with her childhood. She looked down and saw that Willow was still asleep, her head resting on the pillow beside her own. At some point their hands had slipped apart and Willow’s now rested on the soft skin above the blonde’s belly button. The blonde stared openly, enjoying the unguarded look at the redhead in the near darkness. Willow was gorgeous, her pale, freckled skin glowing in the night, her red hair dark and spilling around her. How has this happened? The blonde thought with wonder. How could she possibly be this lucky?
Another boom of thunder rolled through her room, this time stirring Willow. She opened her eyes with a flutter, disoriented, before her tired eyes settled on the blonde. "Hi," she said softly, her voice thick with sleep.
"Hey," Tara whispered back. They stared for a while, both overcome with love and devotion, until Tara leaned in for a kiss. They kissed, lips moving together like they’d practiced all their lives, and Tara marveled; marveled that she was allowed to do this, marveled that Willow responded so eagerly. Their kisses quickly turned passionate, their hands roaming over each other’s skin, their desire wordless and intense. They made love in the dark without really speaking, just enjoying each other's body as the thunder rolled along and over the Bay.
***************************************************************
Tara’s brow furrowed before her eyes opened; she was alone, the bed cold next to her. She absently thought that perhaps Willow had gone to the bathroom, but when she opened her eyes, she was surprised to see Willow’s silhouette in the darkness, the girl sitting in her grandmother’s chair next to the windows, the throw blanket the blonde had discarded on the floor earlier wrapped around her.
“Willow?” Tara asked sleepily, propping herself up on her elbows.
“She said she felt like I’d died,” Willow said, her voice soft, her gaze pointed out the window.
Tara’s brow furrowed deeply and her stomach knotted, her skin going cold. “What?” She asked softly.
“My mom,” the redhead’s voice caught. She took a deep breath. “After I told her that I was gay and we talked. She said she didn’t approve of my choice and that it felt like her daughter had died.”
Tara couldn’t speak; she felt like her voice had been stolen. She had tried not to imagine over the past two days what Willow’s mother would say when the redhead came out, but if the blonde had, she’d never have imagined this. It was so much harsher than she’d expected, so much harsher than any person deserved.
“I regret so much," Willow said quietly.
“W-What?” Tara said, the sheets shifting beneath her as she sat up more fully, trying not to panic at what—exactly—Willow was regretting.
“I know you said ‘no regrets,’ but– So much, time," the redhead said, spitting out the last word as she shook her head. "We lost so much time Tara because I was afraid...." Her face contorted in disgust at the thought.
"Willow..." The blonde said, relaxing a little. She pulled the blanket up to her chest, goose bumps rising across her skin.
"I could have been there for you, should, have been there, when your dad died..."
Tara’s brow knit and her shoulders slumped. “Will…”
"But I was too afraid of what everyone would think of me if I just said what I knew,” Willow continued. “That I wanted to be with you. That I loved you, that I loved a woman. I was so afraid of them thinking I was some sort of failure, or having them judge me like, all of the sudden I'm this different person, this, person who they don't even know, that they didn't want to know. That I'm some sort of liar… Three years," she said, her voice equal parts wonder and shock. "We lost three years because I'm a coward."
"You are not a coward,” Tara said strongly.
"Aren't I?" The redhead asked, turning her gaze to the bed.
"No," Tara answered, moving to the edge of the bed and fully facing the redhead, the blanket only partially covering her body. "Willow, you are so brave.”
"Yeah," Willow replied dismissively, turning her head.
"You are," the blonde interrupted, reaching up and guiding the redhead's gaze back to her in the dark. "You were nervous about how your mom was going to react and you came out anyway–"
"But–"
"And you told Buffy; Xander before that–"
"Tara–"
"I'm proud of you,” Tara said as she took the girl’s hands in her own. The words were profound in the dark. "I am, so, proud of you, Willow. What you've done this weekend…” She shook her head, awed. “I know how hard it was for you, how hard things are probably going to be for you. What your mom said to you... I..." The blonde shook her head again, momentarily unable to find the right words. “I can’t believe anyone would say that to someone they loved.”
Willow’s exhaled sharply, her form crumpling.
“But the fact that you did it though,” Tara continued, squeezing the redhead’s hands, “that you said 'I'm gay' and that you were brave enough to tell me how you felt, that you're here with me now, that you didn't, change your mind... You are so brave."
"But three years..." Willow repeated, her voice shaky and unsure.
"Three years," Tara nodded. "But think of how many years we have now."
The redhead nodded. A long silence settled between them, Tara's thumbs rubbing the tops of Willow's hands. After a long moment, the redhead spoke. "I'm really scared."
"I know," Tara whispered back.
"What if they're never okay with this," the redhead asked, briefly lifting their joined hands, her voice vulnerable. "What if they're never okay with me?" She looked up and Tara saw everything in the way the moonlight caught the white of Willow's large eyes. The fear, the uncertainty. The vulnerability and the hurt. The blonde pursed her lips to bite back crying, and after internally composing herself, spoke.
"Then I'll still love you." The blonde looked down. "I know it's not much–"
"It's everything,” Willow interrupted, squeezing Tara’s hands.
The blonde nodded, momentarily overcome with emotion. She looked up and met Willow’s eye. “Come back to bed,” she whispered, tugging gently on their clasped hands.
Willow complied, standing and removing the throw blanket before climbing under the covers. “Has that chair always been over by the windows?”
“No,” the blonde chuckled as she made room for the redhead. “I moved it today to watch for you out the window.” She pulled Willow close to her under the covers, the redhead’s chilly body causing her to shiver. “You’re cold.”
“I’m sorry,” the redhead said.
Tara wrapped her leg over Willow’s, and smiled as she heard the redhead sigh. “I’ll warm you up.” They held each other for a long while, each lost in their own thoughts. “Do you want to talk about it some more?” Tara asked gently.
“No,” the redhead said.
Tara nodded. She didn’t want to push. Not now. She trailed her fingertips down Willow’s back and sighed when the redhead squeezed her.
They lay quietly, listening to the rain for a long while, their respective grasps becoming slack as they relaxed, sleep edging in on them. Tara was surprised, then, when Willow spoke, thinking the redhead had already fallen back to sleep. “I’m going to have to bake Buffy like a billion cookies," Willow slurred, sleepily.
Tara pushed a lock of red hair from her forehead. “Whatever happened between you two? She'll come around."
"Yeah, to tell me what an awful friend I am,” Willow muttered.
“Just give her time,” Tara said, pushing down the dread she felt about her own upcoming conversation with the petite blonde. Tara kissed Willow’s hairline, and the two held each other as they slipped off to sleep.
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