Previously on the Kitten Board:
EXT. KITTEN BOARD – SPOILER FORUM
News breaks of the upcoming Tara death/Evil Willow storyline, leading to instantaneous mass pandemonium on the board. Kittens fall to their knees in shock and disbelief, their faces masks of horror and hurt.
CUT TO:
INT. SPOILER THREAD
Close on the face of a Bitterness-Crazed Kitten as she WAILS her defiance of the season arc.
BITTERNESS-CRAZED KITTEN
An ending? You call this an ending?
VOICE OF JOSS (O.S.)
It is done. Mwahaha. And man, is it cool.
BITTERNESS-CRAZED KITTEN
NOOOOOOOO!
The Very, Very Bitter Kitten’s cry lashes out at the disembodied voice of Hackdom Personified, and we hear a most gratifying howl of anguished self-realization. Until this is, predictably, drowned out by the distant roar of ass-kissing elsewhere in online Buffy fandom, ever the balm to the threat of reality sinking in to Purple Hazy Brain of Joss.
CUT TO:
EXT. KITTEN BOARD - NIGHT
A board troll is hog-tied at the feet of the Bitterness-Crazed Kitty, who sends streams of white hot bitterness burning into its prone form.
TROLL
Joss! Marti! Help!
BITTERNESS-CRAZED KITTY
You sad little fucker. After everything they’ve done this season, you think they give a damn about any of their fans? Hello! You’re a Spuffy shipper! They had him try to rape her!
The troll looks up defiantly, ready to launch into yet another “Hey, Buffy was asking for it” type tirade, but the Kitty has tired of this game. With a flick of her wrist, she removes his Yellow Crayon-Colored Glasses. Reliving the last few episodes of the season, the troll howls in agony, clutching and clawing at his eyes as the full weight of the horror that was season six finally dawns on him.
CUT TO:
INT. KITTEN CHAT - NIGHT
AUTUMN
Things just got worse.
XITA
How worse?
AUTUMN
Saint Xander the Righteous worse. We just got the script sides for “Lessons” and “Beneath You.”
Cut to:
EXT. KITTEN BOARD FORUM LISTING - DAY
The Very, Very Bitter Kitten is using her wrath to overload the Kitten Board, so fed up with the show and the people who make it that she has completely lost it and is now attacking the community itself. Brian interferes, talking her down by lovingly pummeling her into gooey senselessness with MPGs of classic Willow/Tara goodness.
TARA
(in the clip)
I am, you know…
Yours.
BRIAN
(sniffling as he comforts the Kitty)
I love them.
GRIEVING KITTY
(through her tears)
Me too.
CUT TO:
INT. KITTY CHAT
Where our two girls are alone.
XITA
(to Ruth)
Things have really sucked lately. And they’re not going to change- on the show. Time to accept that, whore. But right here, starting with us… a few things are going to change.
INT. ELSEWHERE IN ONLINE BUFFY FANDOM - NIGHT
JULIA
(entreating)
Make the show what it was.
VOICE OF JOSS (O.S.)
What? You want more?
A hand reaches down and latches on to the hapless J-Ho, eerie green energies lighting up where it touches her as well as in both of her eyes. She stiffens as images force themselves into her consciousness in rapid succession.
OFF JULIA
As she screams.
EXT. THE KITTEN BOARD - NIGHT
TITLE CARD: TARA AND WILLOW RULE, JOSS AND BUFFY DROOL
“Once More, With Bitterness” plays in the background. The page is deserted barring a Lone Kitty, who barrels past the forum listing, being chased by two hooded forms. The Kitty looks over his shoulder, and just behind him we see a shadow detach itself from the wall. It lashes out at him, causing him to double over, falling to the ground. They’re on him in an instant. A yellow crayon flashes in the glow of the computer monitor light, arcing downwards towards the hapless Kitty.
CUT TO:
INT. KITTEN BOARD – “THE KITTY AND SEASON SEVEN” THREAD - NIGHT
Camera is at ground level, showing a new Kitten rising up into the thread. She didn’t post in the intro thread first, doesn’t seem to have read the FAQ, and demonstrates much enthusiasm for the prospects of, among other things, Spuffy in the new season. Finally finished posting, she interrupts the girls talking.
XITA
It's crap.
Pan to Xita talking to someone.
XITA
We know it. They know it, deep down somewhere. One would hope. So…
Tosses an blank “Add post” field to Ruth.
XITA
Who's got the power, Ruth?
RUTH
(sighs) Well, I've got the bitter.
XITA
The bitter is not the power.
RUTH
But she's new. She’s just a clueless newbie. Sh-she might not know all those fancy adjectives for “naked blonde vampire hottie” that they inevitably seem to pick up.
XITA
Who's got the power?
RUTH
Tara in leather?
XITA
Never forget it. But back to business… Doesn't matter how well prepped or how well armed you are. You're a moderator.
RUTH
Smut Pimp.
XITA
Moderatey smut pimp. And no, for the ten billionth time, you cannot have that as your moderator tag.
RUTH
I’m a Hot Doofus. I’ve posted more than anyone else in the history of the board. I should be able to just make up my own levels and tags and whatever else now, don’t you think?
XITA
(glares, warning Ruf to stay on task)
She’s a newbie, OK? Spuffy shipper. Preternaturally denial-ridden. Riddled with ‘ship issues no Kitten could possibly ever--
SPUFFER NEWBIE
Excuse me. I think the board is broken.
XITA
Broken?
SPUFFER NEWBIE
I posted in the season seven thread, but I still can’t get into that forum thingee. I need spoilers about my Spikey!!!
RUTH
Hm. So, Spike nipples’ve got the power then?
XITA
Zip it.
SPUFFER NEWBIE
I really appreciate it. It’s just so dark, the show now, with all this spooky redemption arc stuff. Don’t you love it?! Oh, and I love W/T. I cried when Tara died.
The Spuffer Newbie squeezes out a tear or two, lower lip protruding pitifully. Xita’s expression softens at this, even as cocks her head at the hapless newbie, her eyes still slightly narrowed. But still, the newbie said the magic words… Xita keys in her posting name to the add list, granting her access to the season seven forum, shaking her head against the inevitable. The Newbie enters the forum, skipping blithely along.
SPUFFER NEWBIE
Whoa. Ooh. Thanks. That was a help. Unfortunately it was the last--
The Newbie busts out into full TROLL face, effusive overuse of CAPS and exclamation points an’ all. Xita grabs it by the throat. Its voice turns scratchy.
SPUFFER NEWBIE
--thing you'll ever mod.
XITA
Listen up. I'm the Founder and Mayor of Bitter City. You don't want to get into it with me. You want Kitten blood? You can have hers.
Newbie turns to go after Ruth.
RUTH
(alarmed at the onrush)
Crap!
(recovering)
Wait. That’s it exactly. She's got it for brains. She's going to use it. So I have to --
Spuffer Newbie is charging still Ruth. She braces and uses the full force of the troll’s stupidity against itself, knocking it into the Angry Rant Thread.
XITA
--use that. Perfect.
The Spuffer Newbie has landed in a pile of anti-Spuffy invective and falls silent for a moment. Ruth thinks she has defeated it. But then it posts, spewing Joss Cock Worship in wide swaths. Ruth gets a panicked look on her face. The troll pushes Ruth down, gets up and away from her. She tries again to edit it, but it overpowers her and starts to pummel her with tragically misplaced hope and screencaps of Spike.
RUTH
Whore!
Xita deftly executes an emergency edit, and the stunned troll leaves off from attacking Ruth. Xita quickly bans the troll and posts a reminder to stay on topic, meaning W/T focused, in the season seven forum guidelines thread.
XITA
That’s the only lesson, Ruf. Wish I had more to offer you, but… “It's all crap” pretty much sums it up. Let me see.
She inspects Ruth’s arm. There are two round burn marks, nipple equidistant, where the troll touched her with the oogy Spike pics. Xita winces seeing this, but Ruth is all with the stoic.
RUTH
It's nothing, it's just a scrape. Plus, I had a plan the whole time.
XITA
Really?
RUTH
(bitter)
Yeah, I planned to get converted, come back as a Xander/Dawn shipper, and take you down with me.
XITA
You wanted to be a mod.
RUTH
Well, just the next time when you're gonna disa--
XITA
You did pretty well.
RUTH
I did?
XITA
Yeah.
RUTH
'Cause, you know, with the whole troll ricocheted off the Angry Rant Thread thing, I was making the bitter better, or um… rather, making the bitter bouncy. Or something. It was very Tim Henman. Plus I nearly got her to shut the hell up.
XITA
My first time out, I missed a troll post frenzy, too.
RUTH
No way.
XITA
(raising an eyebrow)
Just the once.
Xita walks back to pack up her tools and dust off the W/T goodness caps at the bottom of the screen. They begin heading back to chat.
RUTH
Well, the next troll I meet--
XITA
The next troll you meet, you call for back up. I just wish that was all we had to worry about. Board trolls, Joss worship... they're nothing compared to what's coming.
RUTH
I know. I just can't believe it's back.
XITA
Believe me, I thought the worst was over with after the season finale, for all of five seconds. I guess there’s no preparing yourself for just how low Joss can go. He’s like… the Demented Limbo Master of Doom and Despair.
She shares a meaningful, fearful look with her protégé.
XITA (cont’d)
Just a few more days 'til it starts.
Then we'll never know what’s coming next. Let’s just hope the Kitty is strong enough to handle anything.
OFF XITA
Her expression worried.
CUT TO:
INT. SEASON SEVEN FORUM – NIGHT OF SEASON PREMIERE
Zoomed in on the brand spankin’ new episode discussion thread for “Lessons.” A Kitty by the name of SEVEN D’ WOLFENSHIP is christening it, excitedly devirginizing the new thread with a surprisingly glowing review of the first Buffy ep of the season. Pan out to a grouping of Kittens, most lounging around looking glum, half-hearted. A few others, however, seem to barely be able to contain their excitement.
SEVEN D’ WOLFENSHIP
It is my great pleasure and privilege to announce the official opening--on the very light-hearted, all in good fun premise that it first stood upon--of the brand new state of the art Buffy the Vampire Slayer show!
Seven pauses, grinning widely, waiting for ceremonious clapping. Which never comes. Although a few Kitties up front toss around, like a beach ball, a copy of the porno, “Muffy, the Vampire Layer” with the title scratched out and “Season Six” written over it. In yellow. The Kitties snicker.
Stay tuned for the opening credits. Written by a special guest star, near and dear to all of our hearts. And other pink parts. Hee.
"And never let it be said that I left a Tara craving unsatisfied." Willow, Wilderness Pt. 1
Edited by: xita
at: 10/23/02 10:01:58 pm
...the opening credits had me rolling, especially Brian and Ruth..LOL oh geez...LOLOLLOL 
