I regret to inform that this will be heart wrenching...it has a few bright moments too....
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Title: Lost & Found - Part 32
Author: Jessan
Question: Still reading?
Feedback: Yes, bring it on...I can take it. Sniff. LOL
Summary: Angst
Eagle Eye: I changed it, did you even notice?
Spoiler Warning: Up to and including "Wrecked" in Season 6.
Disclaimer: They do not belong to me...no copyright infringement intended. Joss is my God. All hail the glorious one. (It just called out to me.)
Rating: PG-13
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Willow and Tara had finished breakfast and were cleaning up the kitchen together.
Willow pressed up against the blonde witch doing dishes in the sink. “Are you almost done yet?” Willow asked.
The blonde’s mind went totally blank. The only thing she could focus on were the harden nubs pressing into her back. “Uh huh.” she groaned.
“What’s the matter baby?” she asked teasingly, running her hands up and down Tara’s arms.
Tara spun around to face her tormenting lover. “Will, we have to stop this. I can’t take much more.” she said with pleading eyes. Tara desperately wanted to consummate their rekindling relationship, but not until they were ready to connect on every level.
Willow smiled wickedly. “Good, I don’t want anything between us anymore.” the hacker said as she raised a hand up to caress Tara’s cheek.
Tara closed her eyes as she felt the tender touch of her lover. “Will, we…..” Tara very nearly gave in to her physical desires. “need to talk.” she gasped.
Willow lovingly rubbed her thumb back and forth across the blonde‘s cheek. “Can’t we talk after we?” she said with pleading eyes.
Tara decide the big guns were in order. She put on her resolve face and stared Willow down. “Do you really want anything between us anymore?” she said crossing her arms in front of her.
Willow sighed. She knew that what Tara was saying was true. Meeting their physical needs would in no way solve their mental and spiritual dilemmas. She reluctantly dropped her hand and turned away from Tara. “No, I don’t. I just want everything to go away and let us get back to being the way we were when we met.” she stated.
Tara didn‘t like the tone of regret in Willow‘s voice. She walked around Willow and ducked down to look in her eyes. “You liked us shy, awkward, and hiding from everyone?” she asked.
Willow lifted her head. “No, everything was sweet and loving and special and…” her voice trailed off. “magical.” she finally finished. The two girls stared at each other for a moment. Neither one could really mention the word magic without drudging up some bad memory.
Willow sensed her lover's mood darkening and tried to halt it with a little humor. “I don’t understand why people say abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. This sexual tension thing is not all its cracked up to be.” Willow pointed out.
Tara had to laugh at her girlfriend’s play on words. “I don’t know. I think the time we spent apart made me appreciate everything we had.” Tara’s mind flashed to some of their more special times. Floating. Walks in the park. Looking at the stars. Dancing. Snuggling. Remembering only caused a twinge of regret in the blonde witch. “And lost.” she finished, looking down.
Willow was determined that they would get this over with and then get on to more important things. Willow lifted Tara’s chin with one finger and saw those baby blues she so adored. “Ok, so let’s get down to the nitty gritty. The sooner we have lecture,” she looked up and down Tara’s body with hungry eyes. “the sooner we can get to the practical.” she said with a wink. “Come on. Let’s go in the living room.” she said taking Tara’s hand and gently tugging toward the other room.
The girls walked into the living room and Tara sat down on the couch. Willow couldn’t decide if it would be too distracting to sit next to her or not. ‘If we’re touching, my mind isn’t going to be on her words.’ she thought.
Tara heard the words and had to chuckle. “Will, when did you become so insatiable?” she questioned, curling her legs underneath her.
Willow gave her a sly grin. “I never could get enough of you.” she pointed out.
Tara recalled the number of times they had made love all night long. Willow had the most incredible stamina.
Anytime Tara had a sex talk with Anya, the ex-demon constantly marveled at Willow’s prowess and on more than one occasion asked if she could take the merchandise out for a test drive. Tara had adamantly refused, her exact words being, “Over my dead body.”
Tara shook her head and tried to refocus on the redhead sitting in front of her and the words she had said. “I remember.” she muttered.
Willow took a seat in the arm chair so they could face each other and limit the distractions. Looking at Tara was distraction enough for Willow. “So, where should we start?” she asked.
“Where do you want to start?” Tara countered.
Willow has hardly surprised at her lover deferring the question back to her. Tara had never really been found of confrontations and basically avoided them at all costs. “Why did you go after Rack?”
Tara squirmed. “Um, I was mad. He touched you. He made you feel things that only I was supposed to make you feel.” She said, unable to look at Willow. “I guess I was a little bitter.” She felt ashamed of going after Rack. Tara sighed. “My turn. Why did you get so involved in the dark magic?”
Now it was Willow’s turn to squirm in her seat. “Um, well, after Glory…”
Tara held up a hand. She certainly didn‘t want to discuss that bitch. “No, I know why you got involved with it. Why couldn’t you let it go?” she said, rephrasing her question.
Willow nervously played with her hands. The hacker didn‘t like where this discussion was headed. “Well, after Buffy was gone, I felt like we needed some kind of edge.” she admitted.
Tara sighed. “A vampire, two witches, and a robot wasn’t enough of an edge?” she questioned.
Willow shook her head, desperately looking for the words to make her lover understand her meaning. “You don’t understand. She always shouldered everything. She carried all of us. I got used to that. After she was gone, someone had to step up and fill those shoes. I didn’t think...” Willow paused as her eyes once again feel away from Tara’s. “I didn’t think that just plain old me could handle it.”
Tara‘s eyes in turn, went wide with disbelief. “What was wrong with plain old you? That’s who I feel in love with, wasn’t it?” she tried to reassure the hacker.
Willow‘s face went pale. Tara had no idea what plain old Willow was like and prayed she never did. “Tara, you fell in love with a powerful witch.” she amended.
Tara crossed her arms. “No, I fell in love with a redheaded computer whiz, who saw me for who I could be. You saw past the shy, insecure, stuttering blonde that couldn’t even look people in the eye.” she responded, slightly agitated at the description of her former self. Tara wasn’t found of what she was like before she fell in love with Willow.
Willow sensed the self-disgust welling up inside her lover. “No, I fell in love with an angel.” she said getting up and went to sit next to her on the couch. “With a heart of gold.” she said taking her hand. “That’s what I fell in love with. And after Glory, the need to protect you was that much more important.” the redhead explained.
Tara closed her eyes tightly. “Glory. That’s what it all boils down to. She started everything. It’s been almost a year and we’re still paying for that.” she hissed.
Willow had no idea where this sudden anger had come from that was now evident on her lover‘s face. “Hon, what are you talking about?” she gently probed.
Tara scowled. “Those few days changed everything. She changed you, she changed me.” Tara sighed at looked at Willow. “She changed us.”
“What’re you talking about? Baby, talk to me.” Willow pleaded.
Tara closed her eyes, remembering her prison. “She’s always there.” Tara whispered.
Willow noticed her lover retreat inside herself. “Tara? Baby?”
Tara opened her eyes. She stared at the wall with a far away look. “Sometimes I don’t know who I hate more, her or me.” she said with no emotion evident in her voice.
Willow freaked. Her lover‘s occasional bouts of self-disgust were one thing. But she had never gone into self-hatred mode before. She put a hand on her knee. “Tara, no! Everything was my fault. I’m the one who left you alone.” she said trying to shift the blame. Willow didn’t care if Tara blamed her. In Willow’s eyes, everything happened because she had gotten involved with dark magics.
Tara‘s eyes hardened. “And if we had both been there? Then what? Nothing would have been different. She probably would have killed you.” Tara said through clenched teeth.
Willow couldn‘t understand how this conversation had gotten so quickly out of hand. “You can’t think like this baby. We can’t change the past remember?” she reminded her lover, desperately trying to diffuse the situation.
Tara sighed, her anger apparently calmed for the moment. Which made her next words seem that much more distressing. “Does that make it haunt our present any less? Isn’t that what the memory of Rack does to you?” she said cornering the redhead.
Willow was silent.
“So, what else do we want to talk about?” The blonde asked, trying to ignore the emotions welling up inside her.
Willow was concerned. “Tara, I don’t think we’re done with this subject.”
“Yes, we are.” the witch insisted.
Willow wracked her brain for the best possible angle to approach the situation. The hacker decided that using the blonde‘s own words would be the best choice. “No more running. Isn’t that what you told me?”
Tara still stared at the wall. “I’m not running. I’m avoiding. There’s a difference.” she explained to her girlfriend. She finally turned at looked Willow in the eye. “Can we not do this?” she ordered.
Willow was slightly frightened by the blonde‘s tone. “Do what?” she asked innocently, hoping it wouldn’t upset Tara more.
Tara sighed. “Rehash the horrors of our past. We were both there. We know how it went.” she declared as she stood up from the couch.
Willow immediately leaned forward, ready to chase her if she walked away. “You‘ve never talked about it.”
Tara saw it as a challenge. “Fine. You tell me how exciting it was to get high at Rack‘s.” she said, her voice as cold as ice.
“It wasn’t like that.” she said feeling quite scolded at the moment.
Tara wouldn‘t let it go. “What was it like?” she demanded.
Willow was silent once more.
Tara considered her silence to be an admission that getting high at Rack‘s was the equivalent to being with Tara. Tara wasn't hearing any thoughts, so apparently, Willow's mind was a complete blank. “That’s what I thought.” she said knowingly. “Is it the magic you despise or me?” she questioned.
Somewhere during this conversation Willow had taken a different road, cause she had no idea where the hell they were. “WHAT?!?” she shouted.
Taar calmly started to explain her logic. “I’m the reason you went to him. No matter how you look at it. You can start at any point in the story and all roads lead to me.” she said placing her hand on her chest.
Now Willow did stand up. “Tara, you can’t think that.”
Tara unconsciously began backing away from the now standing redhead. “I do. I blame myself for a lot of things. I guess its my nature.”
“Baby, why are we doing this to ourselves?” Willow pleaded. The redhead had no idea how this conversation had gone so wrong, so fast.
Tara put her hands on the back of the chair to support her now wobbly legs. “Because we can’t run from these things any more, but I don’t think we’re ready to deal with them. Not yet. Not right now.”
“Tara?” The redhead whispered, eyes begging for a better explanation.
Tara closed her eyes. “I want to so bad. I’ve been telling myself that for days. I will do anything for you. But I can’t do this, not right now.” Tara just couldn’t bring herself to talk about Glory. She never could. And everything that had happened with Rack was nearly the same thing, only with the roles reversed.
“How does this all become your fault? I’m the one that made the mistakes.” Willow yelled, desperation apparent in her voice.
Tara shook her head. “It’s not about blame Will. I can forgive you anything.” she pointed out. “I can’t forgive myself a damn thing.” she then added.
‘Why do we keep switching roles? Why didn‘t we ever talk about these things?’ she wondered. “Baby, there’s nothing to forgive.” Willow claimed, now in total panic mode.
“In your eyes, there never is for me.” Tara said.
A tear skidded down Willow‘s cheek. “I love you Tara.”
Tara walked over to the redhead. No matter what, she never could stand to see Willow cry. She placed a hand on her cheek and wiped away the tear. “And I love you more than anything else in this life. Nothing will ever change that. But I don’t know right now, how we can get past, the past.” Willow started to nuzzle into Tara’s palm and Tara quickly pulled her hand back. “It’s so easy to say let go, but no one can, not really. What happened when you tried to make me let go of the past?” she asked.
Willow‘s eyes widened. “I never meant it like that. I just didn’t like not getting along. I didn’t have this master plan of how to control you or anything.” she said flippantly.
“Honey, I know that. As far as that spell goes, it was something stupid that never should have happened. It was like lying for a normal couple. An error in judgment. The part that hurt the most is when you didn’t learn your lesson the first time.” Tara noted.
“I just wanted to make things better.” she said looking at the carpet.
“That’s what you always want to do. When you went after Glory, when you brought Buffy back, when you cast the forget spells, when you went to Rack. It’s always about you trying to make things better. Have you learned yet that you can’t solve every problem?” she said lifted her arms in a questioning gesture.
Willow shrugged. She had no idea what answer Tara wanted to hear, so chose to not give one instead. “Then what are we going to do about everything?” she asked.
Tara sighed. “Haven’t you been listening? Not every question has an answer.”
Willow‘s eyes narrowed. She wasn‘t going to let anything keep them apart any longer. “There has to be.” she said defiantly.
“That’s my analytical girlfriend talking. That‘s why you've never truly appreciated magic. You saw it as a tool to help you solve all your problems.” she started pacing back and forth. “You never saw the wonder and beauty of it.”
“Yes I did.” Willow insisted. Despite not wanting to sound inappropriate, Willow couldn‘t stop the thought from entering her mind. ‘If our lovemaking didn’t qualify, then what does?’ she thought.
Tara stop dead as she heard the words in her mind. Tara did concede a small smile. “Yes, your right. That is the one time you saw magic for what it was meant to be.”
Willow was now getting annoyed. Her girlfriend was talking her in circles. “So everything is because I never had an appreciation of magic?” she asked with a quirked eyebrow.
Tara nodded. “Partly, which is no more your fault than it is mine.”
Willow rolled her eyes. She just couldn‘t believe what was happening. “How is that your fault?” Willow demanded.
“I saw. I knew. I should have stepped in. Been stronger. Taught you better.” the witch reasoned.
“How can everything be your fault?” Willow wanted to know.
“How can it be yours?” Tara countered, then released a sigh. “This is getting us no where.” She started walking over to the stairs. “I’m tired. I’m going to go upstairs and take a nap in Dawn’s room.”
“You can sleep in our room.” Willow pointed out.
“You can sleep in your room. I just want to be alone for a while.” she saw the look of hurt in Willow’s eyes and sighed. “We’ve ripped open old wounds, we need some time to let them heal before we make new ones.” she said as she headed up the stairs.
‘What the hell just happened?’ she wondered as she sat on the couch and put her head in her hands.
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Woah...talk about trouble...and only four days...I guess Secret Agent Buffy had better get on the ball....and quick.
Ok, next up...Buffy enlists an accomplice to do her dirty work. Then its back to the Magic Box...and wait till you meet the God of Love...oh dear.
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Love Will Find a Way
by Drakkenfyre » Tue Apr 09, 2002 4:49 pm 
at: 4/10/02 3:22:00 am
But poor angstyness for Will and Tara. And poor Tara blaming herself for everything. *sigh* How will they ever get back together in just 4 days???
