posted August 20, 2001 13:52
Thanks Legend, and Ruth - I missed Joss saying that entirely but it sounds pretty good anyway!Anyway Part 7 Kitties. Late...
----------------
Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Late (Currently Part 7)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Absolutely, just keep it constructive – katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Summary: During “A New Man” (Season 4) immediately after the Rose of Synchronicity is zapped by the backlash from Ethan’s use of magic though Willow and Tara do not know that is what happened at this point.
Spoiler Warning: Limited Spoilers for anything up to and including “A New Man” Reference also to some facts learnt in later episodes given the ongoing theme of Tara’s belief in her “demon” heritage.
Disclaimer: This may shock you but I don’t own any aspect of BTVS, or the characters herein. All rights reside with the copyright and trademark owners, writers and producers of the show. Nor am I making any profit out of this story or others in the cycle. In fact I am not making much profit out of anything!
Rating: PG13
Couples: On the way.
Notes: Just another step on the road.
Thanks To: The usual suspects (i.e. the cast, producers etc) but more personally to the kitties at the Kitten, Witches and Bad Wardrobe Board / Different Coloured Pens who seem to be liking all this drivel to some extent and most of all to L – she’s my always.
The Beginnings Cycle
Late
By Katharyn Rosser
‘Did you bring another?’ Tara asked still holding the stem of the rose careful to avoid the thorns not to mention being a little fearful after it’s recent unexplained antics.
‘No, not even a daisy. Didn’t think we would need one it’s supposed to be all about slow, careful control as we work together. Not being zappy and doing aerial displays,’ Willow replied. No that was definitely not in the manual.
‘Another time then…we were doing it though. Working in synchronicity I mean. I could feel the connection we had.’ Tara knew it had been there, the connection had just clicked into place. ‘Before-’
‘Yeah, did you feel that rush of power?’ Willow asked. ‘It was almost scary but in a sort of roller coaster kind of way.’
‘It wasn’t me.’ Tara replied, thinking back to a previous occasion when she had lost some control and the results had been, well hot and flamey – briefly at least. But with the conversation that had followed that and confirmed their friendship – it had certainly been worth it. Since then they had become closer as friends should be. Not just doing spells together but talking. Watching some TV. They didn’t go out, but that was just fine with Tara – she wasn’t a very out person – and she was more interested in getting to know Willow, her friend, than she was in drinking water in the local hangouts.
‘Nor me. I think that someone else was doing something. Something pretty powerful. Big magic,’ Willow thought about it and back to a back to a book she had read a few weeks previously – well it was more of a tome really. ‘Whatever it was raised like the magical background count. Sort of. I’m not sure.’ Willow was reluctant to pursue the theory she had read about but of which she was not sure of the specifics, she had kind of glossed over it in the search for other stuff. Nor was she sure of the actual truth behind the writings – if any. That was the trouble with what was written. It was true for some people, not applicable to others and some of it was out and out fraud.
‘What do you mean?’ Tara wanted to know, less versed in book learnt magical theory than her spell partner – though more aware of the traditions. And if the traditions weren’t helping here at all, maybe Willow’s books could. To be honest that concerned her slightly. Willow’s reliance on experimentation and modification of spells, She treated it like science. Tara had always been taught that Wicca was a tradition. A religion to some – but what was religion but belief in a traditional manner? There were ways to do things. But Willow, usually, got results so who am I, Tara wondered, to gainsay her. Course if could go ka-blooey either way.
‘I’m not sure as I said, but some of the newer tomes I read, you know written in the last half century, suggest that different places have a different ambient level of magic. Like the Hellmouth…a mystical convergence has a higher count than…well Cleveland.’ Willow explained. Half a century old and that was recent work…untested. That was the way magic was, not a lot of academic debate going on in this field. It was a weakness of magic in general and Wicca more than most. Tradition was, in her opinion, altogether too important. And such advances could be made….if people tried and communicated with other practitioners. Compared notes sort of.
‘And when someone uses magic it gets left behind?’ Tara surmised. ‘Like a fingerprint? Must have been pretty powerful though – to raise the…background count. Here I mean - at a Hellmouth.’
‘Yeah’ Willow was worried by that fact as well.
‘Do you recognise it?’ Tara asked.
‘Recognise it?’ Willow was unsure what Tara meant.
‘Well I can tell when you have done a spell or incantation. It sort of leaves your signature in the…background count I guess. Same with mine. There’s a different one when we do it together. I never thought about why that was before…I just accepted it as a given.’ Tara could see that Willow didn’t recognise what she was talking about. ‘You don’t get that?’
‘No, but you are more sensitive to the nuances of the magic works than I am. I’m theory girl.’ It was true – Tara could sense things that she could not, and the palm reading she had done on Willow the other night. Scarily accurate.
‘I thought you were pencil girl.’ Tara joked jabbing a finger at her as if it were a pencil.
‘Quit it pebbles.’ Willow hit back with her own reference to their experiences with simple levitation. ‘It’s true though you are more sensitive to the little disturbances. You’ve never sensed that – signature – before?’ Willow asked, knowing that she would have to report such an occurrence to the others. There was no guarantee that whoever, or whatever this was would just be crash landing occasional floating roses.
‘No. Do you have to go tell Buffy and Giles?’ Tara could almost see the indecision on Willow’s face. Was that a sense of duty? And something else. She appreciated now some of just what Willow’s life was. How important she and her “Scooby” friends were… to everyone.
‘No. It’s gone now…hasn’t it?’ Willow was reluctant to draw the evening to a close just because someone was trying something out…it might be nothing and if it was something the world hadn’t ended…and there wasn’t a crowd of demons running across the lawns. Well… She stood up and went to the window, just to make sure those lawns were actually clear.
‘I can’t feel anything. Nothing out there?’ Tara too was concerned. It wasn’t so very long ago that she and Willow had been chased around campus, and that boost of magic was either very close or very powerful. Or even worse…both.
‘No, all clear. It might even have been the Wicca group, they meet tonight don’t they?’ Willow observed with a wry smile. ‘What’s left of them anyway.’ Tara had found out some weeks ago that their leaving the group had also led some of the other disaffected to leave. Carol and Anne had cornered her and berated Willow to her for causing the problems. They had totally ignored – or perhaps missed – the fact that Tara hadn’t actually attended herself since Willow’s last appearance at the group. Which was the most annoying thing. They had gone through their list of people who had not returned, blamed Willow for that and totally ignored the only actual Wicca that they had.
‘If that was them then they have all changed into toads…or conjured the biggest pile of magical brownies the world has ever seen.’ Tara smiled again. ‘No, that wasn’t them. I think it was just one person…or one thing.’
‘Just one.’ Willow mused and then glanced over to the star they had traced in sand. ‘A lot of power there, dangerous? And what if it was? Not a lot she could do now, even if she could get to Buffy or Giles quickly they’d just sit around and research it all night. Morning would still come… hopefully. Anything that was going to happen tonight was going to anyway. Or had. What could go wrong really? ‘Shall I help you clear up?’ Willow asked, referring to the slightly smudged area of the circle her decision to not rush off confirmed with that simple question.
‘You don’t need to, I can….’ Tara started, and then saw Willow’s face and the rejection of her self-reliance and also that Willow had chosen to stay a while – that the Scooby’s had for once lost out to her. ‘Thanks.’ She went to the wall, knelt and started to collect the fragments of petals that had smashed against that wall and shattered before the crash landing…. ‘Willow since w-when do petals shatter?’
Willow, having collected Tara’s dustpan and brush from the cupboard came over, examining the tiny pieces. ‘Hey, it’s like those flowers they dip in liquid nitrogen. They freeze and shatter when you tap them. We had that in science once, Joey Fernandez dropped a sandwich in the flask the teacher fished it out and it slipped out of the tongues, shattered all over the floor.’
‘But these aren’t cold. Or hot. Just shattered.’ Tara tipped the bits into Willows hand, to let her feel them. ‘Surely they should just have crumpled, maybe fallen off. Look they still crumple…they aren’t sharp or hard. It’s like all the substance has been sucked out of them. The energy. Whatever it is that makes a petal soft is gone.’
‘Mmmn. Like desiccated. When you start altering reality or realities who knows what should happen. At least they didn’t blow up.’ Willow tipped the bits into the dustpan and knelt down to sweep up the sand that formed their circle. ‘You know we should invest in a dust buster. It takes days for this to come out properly. One day were going to have to draw a circle in a hurry and find ourselves inside a square too. That could cause a nasty accident.’
Tara was in agreement but surprised at the time to mention it. ‘Aren’t you bothered by what happened to the rose?’ It was all that was on Tara’s mind right now and yet Willow was strangely detaching herself from the events.
‘Of course - but we can’t do anything about it now, and we don’t know what happened anyway. I thought we could chat for a bit. You know…like we said get with the friend thing. Do a spell, get to know each other a little better. It’s the plan.’ Willow brushed off the occurrence for the reasons she gave…and also because she wanted a night off from the disasters that seemed to go hand in claw with Hellmouths. She wanted to be able to have a friendship without that. ‘We have to have a plan.’ Not that it was the most traditional way to get to know someone…planning it out, making time to be like ‘normal’ friends. But needs must…when the demons kept calling you away.
Tara smiled, the boot now on the other foot, Willow wanting to get chatty whilst she was obsessing about spells. ‘I can live with that plan. Want a drink?’
‘Anything but coffee,’ Willow replied.
‘You always say that. Doesn’t it agree with you?’
‘It makes me jumpy and a little crazy.’ Willow was obviously reliving some of her bad coffee memories as she spoke.
‘Heaven forbid you should get crazy,’ Tara joked. It was hard to imagine though Willow always seemed so in-control. But maybe that wasn’t her natural state. Maybe she was still recovering from her pain. And maybe I, Tara thought, can draw her out of that – because she has already told me that her other friends can’t or won’t. And she wants to. She needs to. She’s tried magic and found out how bad that idea was. And they won’t help her. Tara knew that pain of old and had suffered it alone. It wasn’t the time to be alone – a period in you life when you were in that kind of pain. You needed your friends to help you – not just be there. And I’m not her answer, am I? I could be. If she lets me. If I put myself forward.
‘It isn’t pretty….Hyper Willow.’ Willow replied thinking of her babbling and jumpiness inspired by coffee. ‘Just a little. Thanks.’ Willow took the proffered soda and opened it up. ‘You not having one?’
‘That’s the last. You drank them all,’ Tara accused, but good-natured. She wasn’t a soda fan anyway. Much more water gal.
‘Ooh sorry. I’ll bring some more next time. Share?’ she offered.
‘Thanks.’ Tara sipped from the can, passed it back. ‘Tell me about Buffy’s birthday? Did your surprise party go ok?’ The party had been occupying Willow’s mind and time for a week or so – they had not got a lot done magic-wise but that was ok because they had talked the party over, the plans. It was good for her to celebrate…because she knew that her friend was still hurting, and friendly as they might be aside from the magic there was not a lot going on here that could take Willow’s mind off Oz and the rest.
‘Yes, better than previous years anyway. Less monsters, no violent deaths and more cake.’
‘That’s good.’ Tara observed.
‘Absolutely cake is always good thing. And jelly. And ice-cream. All were to be had in abundance.’ Willow thought about it some more. ‘Sorry I didn’t invite you but it wasn’t really a –
‘It was your roommates birthday. Who I don’t know. With her friends and classmates – who I don’t know. Why would I be there?’ Tara was not at all bitter, just matter of fact.
Matter of fact yes, but there was an unpleasant truth lurking behind those facts – at least as far as Willow could see. She was avoiding taking Tara to meet her friends. Why? She wasn’t sure but it was nonetheless true. Infact she hadn’t even mentioned Tara’s existence to any of them. Not Buffy. Not Xander. None of them. Which was strange. They knew she was a practicing Wicca – literally practicing – so why did she have to say she was in the library or the lab? ‘You could have gone, but -’ Willow was interrupted again.
‘But I wouldn’t have known anyone other than you and you couldn’t always be hanging around with me if I had gone because you had to be with your friends…other friends,’ Tara was pleased to see Willow smile at that last afterthought. ‘So I would probably have sat quietly in a corner eating cake and embarrassing myself if anyone had actually spoken to me.’ Still matter of fact. ‘You don’t have to explain or apologise Willow. I’m used to being alone.’
The straightforward manner in which Tara concluded her statement of understanding almost broke Willow’s heart. Here was a wonderful woman who was never appreciated, as she deserved to be. Sure, Tara was shy, some of it was her own fault – but still. But what can you say to such a statement? To an admittance that this woman had come to accept her lonely status? Nothing that wouldn’t sound patronising or an argument for arguments sake. The fact was that she had left Tara here when she could have invited her, let her had a bad or good time but at least given her the chance to have that time. She wanted to apologise again, to tell Tara it wouldn’t happen again and it shouldn’t but what she actually said was ‘I’m glad you understand. Now you can have your cake.’ Willow reached for her bag and produced a paper napkin, folded around the cake. She could promise it wouldn’t happen again because she knew that she still wasn’t ready to introduce her new friend to her others. ‘And a hat.’
‘Do I have to wear it?’ Tara asked, unfolding the flimsy tissue paper crown.
‘Only whilst you eat the cake.’ Why couldn’t she bring herself to bring Tara out into the light? Why keep her hidden away? Maybe it was a danger thing. She could get hurt if she was exposed to Scooby-levels of monsters. But no that wasn’t it.
Tara put the crown on ripping it slightly as she pushed it too far onto her head.
‘Big head’ joked Willow. Maybe it was a selfish thing – did she want to be the only witch around? Was she jealous of that status. No that wasn’t true either. But it was a selfish thing though. I just want her to myself. My friend. Not Buffy’s or Xander’s. Mine. And that wasn’t fair on Tara not at all.
Tara just looked at her after that taunt.
And Willow wilted under the mock-glare. There was no one she had ever met less big headed than Tara Maclay. ‘Sorry.’ When she said sorry though it was for more than just the joke.
Tara smiled. ‘Want some?’ Tara offered a piece of the crumbly cake to Willow who shook her head with a little too much enthusiasm to be innocent. Tara understood why when she had tasted it. And almost spat it out despite being in company, which was not at all how she had been raised.
Willow smiled. ‘Well you said you wanted to know my friends better. Cake a la Xander and Anya. Fortunately not the main cake – which Anya was ticked off about but was definitely a good thing.’ The ex-demon had not been at all impressed – until she had tasted the cake she and Xander had baked and the proper one and castigated Xander for his choice of sample products. The girl was definitely judgemental.
‘Definitely - what is it?’ Tara asked, finally having managed to swallow the mouthful
‘Some taste test product Xander had. They sent him a trial pack and it said that you could make cakes out of them if you ground them up. So they did.’ Willow laughed. ‘Now you know. Xander and Anya are not master bakers.’
‘Good to know.’ Tara binned the rest of the cake, removed the hat and folding it carefully placed it on the desk well away from the crumpled napkin the cake had been delivered in – saving it.
‘We sort of ran out of cake before I could get you any – the real cake I mean. Sorry.’ Willow apologised again.
‘The way you say her name. Anya. You don’t like her do you?’ Tara observed and wanting to know what would turn this seemingly mild mannered woman against someone so vehemently – though she suspected that there were deeply felt passions within Willow that circumstances could awake – that she could be quite scary if she was aroused to it. Though probably not if she tried to be. If Willow tried to be scary it would probably come off as awkward, false and slightly ridiculous. She just wasn’t a nasty enough person to be that way. But if her feelings led her to anger and bitterness – as they had all too recently - then the world might shake. But perhaps that was a cliché about redheads and their tempers.
‘I mentioned she used to be a demon?’ Willow asked.
‘A few times.’ Tara chose not to pursue that aspect of Willow’s prejudice as it hit a little too close to home. Would Willow hate her this much within the year?
‘Well, did I mention that she tried to fool me into getting her amulet back – that it would make her a vengeance demon again? And it went – well more than ka-blooey?’ Willow was indignant even now that she had been fooled into that – more so because it had been a fit of her own pique that had allowed it to happen. If she hadn’t been feeling so sorry for herself that would never have happened. She had wanted to stop being used and was just used again. People wouldn’t have died at the Bronze if she had thought about it and not just reacted to some perceived slight. At least not from what she caused… the death count at the Bronze was pretty low that night though anyway – especially for Sunnydale. But that wasn’t a comfort. Infact it was made worse because it was sort of her – the evil twin – that caused them directly.
‘No. What happened? Singed eyebrows?’
‘Oh no. She triggered…we triggered…a portal to another reality where she had lost the amulet. But we missed it…the amulet I mean, but we brought back someone from there.’ Willow replied, in a manner that suggested singed eyebrows would be infinitely preferable to her.
‘Who?’
‘Me. Well kind of.’
‘You met yourself?’ Tara was curious now. ‘How were you?’
‘A vampire. Not one hundred per cent with it in the sanity kind of way…or even twenty percent really, actually five percent might be pushing the limits of credibility. And I was also…’ Willow trailed off and then continued ‘well…sort of gay’ she revealed as if that was more disturbing than the vampire part or the insanity.
Tara blinked. ‘Wow.’ A reflexive comment, but even she would have trouble specifying just what it was a reflex to – the whole scenario or some specific part of it? That last part? It made her think. It made an inkling she had buried and suppressed spring to life for a few moments. An inkling within herself of just why that might matter to her – even in alternate reality, or dimension or whatever it was. But it was an inkling that she could barely acknowledge – let alone half-seriously think about this was her friend…her only friend. But still…the inkling remained and aggravated her until she put it down fiercely.
‘Yeah. She went on the rampage for a while, but we sent her back to the nasty Sunnydale she came from. I kind of felt sorry for her though. Being bitten probably wasn’t her fault and there but for being bitten go I.’ Willow sounded as if she didn’t actually regret the incident, kind of wistful. The chances of being bitten round here were pretty high…is that what she would have become without a soul? Willow had often lain awake and thought about that and if she was honest apart from the insanity and the gay thing that might be her. With no soul – no self-doubt to hold her back. That might have been her. Would perhaps have been already if Spike had been able to bite her in her room and had turned her as he threatened. Well offered…
Tara continued - ‘Is that really what turned you against Anya? Sure it wasn’t her going after…and getting Xander?’ Tara knew of course that Xander also figured large in Willow’s thoughts. She had heard enough stories and had a pretty fair guess where the frustration with Anya might have come from.
‘I have to admit that annoyed me but I am well and truly over that now. Really. But it is par for the course.’ Willow smiled again. Taking the topic away from that aspect of Xander that she didn’t like to discuss. Not anymore. Not because she still harboured those wrong feelings but because of what they had done to her in the past.
‘Huh?’
‘Well Xander is kind of paranormal in his choice of love life. Giant preying mantis woman, Inca mummy girl, Cordelia – who barely qualified as human and an ex-vengeance demon. We are all doomed. I mean look at me too…werewolf…Buffy - vampire with a soul who loses it if she …makes him happy. Xander just does so much worse. It’s a good job we all have a sense of humour.’
‘He chose you. Once.’ Tara pointed out.
‘Wanna-be witch back then and that all worked out really well. Or not. I told you that right? I had wanted it for so long – but it was just a dream. That was all. When we were really…together…then it wasn’t right – I think we both knew it. And not because we were with others.’ Willow admitted to Tara. ‘We were friends…and that is what we were meant to be. In the grand scheme of things we weren’t meant to be anything more than friends no matter how much I dreamt about it.’
‘Yes. But though it might not have worked but he had some taste after all,’ said Tara trying to look on the bright side, and pay her friend a backhanded compliment. And couldn’t help wondering if that awakened inkling had sent her fishing. A little harmless fishing trip? Inklings after all weren’t even thoughts.
‘Gee thanks. Flatter me some more’ Willow replied caustically, though underlined with humour, it was not an incident of which she was at all proud – particularly now in the absence of Oz. Might he not have…strayed…if she hadn’t got involved earlier with Xander? It was irrational – she had refuted the possibility herself, but could it all be her fault? Could it all go back to that?
‘Maybe later’ Tara shot back quickly.
Broken out of that destructive train of thought Willow checked her watch. ‘Later? I think you might mean earlier. It’s gone three. I should go. Doctor Perez savaged the last person to fall asleep in his lectures. I don’t do well being savaged.’ Besides she’d spent enough sleepless nights worrying about why he had left… ultimately. And every night a different possibility emerged as prime candidate. Enough was enough. Though he might be back tomorrow, he had been gone long enough now for her to realise and finally accept that he might never return. It still hurt – a lot but for her own sanity she needed to realise that. And thought that she did now.
Tara could see Willow was thinking of something other than – or prompted by – their conversation. ‘You don’t have to. G-go I mean. You c-could stay over if you like,’ Tara blurted out. Seeming to surprise herself with the offer but once made it seemed like the perfect idea. At such a late hour, with no one to make sure Willow got home safe why not. That’s what friends do.
‘Really?’ Willow had never even thought of it. It made sense, being so late Buffy and Riley might have assumed she was not coming back and decide to…snuggle. ‘I don’t have any of my stuff.’
‘You can go home in the morning for it. I have to be up early anyway - do my laundry before the first class. I’ll lend you a shirt and a toothbrush.’ Tara offered. ‘And I’ll make sure you get to your lecture in time. Promise.’ She smiled, the nervousness hidden.
‘Aaah you are a wicked one…you have a spare toothbrush for…guests, for gentlemen friends?’ Willow joked.
Tara went bright red, embarrassed and ashamed at the insinuation despite the fact she knew it was a joke. ‘N-No, I just b-bought a n-new one.’ Her speech once again fell apart as she got distressed. And certainly she would never have one for “gentlemen friends” as Willow put it. Never that but how could Willow know that? The subject had never come up and she wasn’t about to raise it – besides it’s not like I’m…. practising…or even reading the theory. And aside from inklings not even thinking about it as much right now.
‘And a big bed.’ Willow followed up before realising just how she had affected Tara with her last statement. She stopped as Tara began to shift from embarrassed to almost distraught. Seeing the genuine distress the joke was no longer in the least bit funny. Willow gave over with the pointed humour and put a hand on her newest friend’s arm. ‘It’s ok, I believe you…’ Seeing the look still on Tara’s face ‘I didn’t mean anything but a joke, honest. And thank you…it is a bit late to be crossing campus alone.’
Tara’s expression shifted to a beaming smile, almost instantly, in spite of herself, ‘Especially when you know what is out there.’
‘Yes, it kind of puts a damper on the free spirited fun…at night at least.’ Willow frowned. ‘Not that I have ever really been renowned for my free spiritedness. Or fun.’
‘I never had a sleepover before.’ Tara mused, ‘My dad wasn’t much into that sort of fun for his only d-daughter.’ Truth be told her father was more than aware of her non-magical inclinations – had been since… Not that he had ever said a word of disapproval, not about that at least – but he had avoided situations with any connotations of those inclinations for her because he knew that Donny and her Aunts and Uncles would be nowhere near as understanding. They might tolerate her being a demon but being…the other. No. Closed minded on that front.
‘It’s not a sleepover until you can’t count the sleeping bags on one hand. This is more a…bed share.’ She paused. ‘You did mean for us to share the bed…or am I sleeping on the floor?’
‘I was thinking of letting you take a chair and sleep in the corridor’ Tara joked, in higher spirits now than at any time in the night so far, even when she had opened the door to her friend some hours ago. ‘Course you get part of the bed silly.’ Not that she had ever wanted a sleepover at home anyway. Lacking enough friends at school to get anywhere near Willow’s definition.
‘Oh that’s good. I once slept in the corridor after a party at Jesse’s house. People kept falling over me.’ Relieved Willow started to hunt for sight of the promised accessories. ‘Have you got the toothbrush?’ Willow asked.
‘On the windowsill, still in the box. I’ll get you the shirt whilst you wash up.’ Tara offered.
Willow left for the bathroom down the hall and Tara was alone in her room, but knew that she would not be spending another lonely night tonight. Surprised at herself if not shocked. This was not something she had planned on, or even really wanted. Until that moment when she had suggested it when it had come to mean more than it should to her in the last minutes. Inklings again. She almost felt dirty for even letting such inklings into her mind. Though she knew she had gained some feelings for Willow beyond friendship, she was in no way certain of herself at this point…let alone having any idea how to read the other young woman’s emotions and feelings in that regard. Besides everything she had learnt about Willow so far suggested that the red-haired woman would never have such inklings of her own and besides they were still trying to get to know each other as friends should – let alone anything else. The thought process was dangerous. It could lead to her being hurt when she had no right to even be thinking about such things. She couldn’t start to think about Willow that way. It would spoil everything they had and were getting.
She fished a long t-shirt from the drawer and left it on the edge of the bed, hurriedly changed, retrieved her own toothbrush and as Willow came in beat a tactful retreat to go wash up herself, departing with a smile as Willow thanked her for the shirt.
When she returned Willow had neatly folded her clothes and placed them on the back of the desk chair, standing at the end of the bed. Smiling at Tara as she came in ‘I didn’t know which side you wanted. After all it is your bed.’
‘I don’t mind, never really thought about it’ Tara replied.
‘Never had to share it?’ Willow asked and almost immediately regretted the question and all it implied. Oh way to go Willow. Let’s just start probing into her friends more intimate past. Wonderful conversation piece when you know how she reacts to stuff like this.
Embarrassed again Tara replied ‘N-No.’
‘Sorry, I just meant it’s kind of weird, sharing’ Willow stated. ‘Took me and Oz…’ She tailed off. ‘Enough of that.’
‘What?’ Tara asked, interested in the person who had shared Willow’s life and had so obviously shattered it by leaving. And that he had left…a gap in that life.
‘Enough looking back at what was,’ Willow resolved. ‘I have to accept that I may never see him again. Not that I want to accept it…I don’t. But I have to.’
Tara smiled. ‘OK, no looking back between three and seven a.m.’
‘Well alright then. I’ll take the left side…since I’m in it already,’ Willow offered after taking her choice anyway by climbing into that side. She would have moved if Tara had asked her to, but she knew that Tara wasn’t going to say a word…whatever she felt. Or wherever she needed to lie to be able to sleep. The other young woman needed a shot of self-confidence Willow thought…not that I am one to even think that myself let alone comment on others.
‘OK.’ Tara climbed into the other side of the bed, lay on her back for a second, reached out and turned off the bedside lamp that had illuminated the room. ‘Good night Willow.’
‘Good night Tara.’
They lay there for just a few minutes and then as fatigue borne of the late hour and spell casting set in turned over and, backs towards each other fell asleep in minutes. Separate and divided but not totally alone in the night.
------------------
She's my always
IP: Logged
Forrister
Willowhand
Posts: 413
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 20, 2001 15:42
You've thought a lot about this, haven't you?I've always maintained (in the face of stiff opposition) that Tara seemed to be far more in touch with her own feelings and motivations than Willow, and that she was a keen judge of character. It's only when she actually interacts with another person that she seems to falter. Keep writing. Give me more to think about! Forrister IP: Logged |
Warduke
Strong like an Amazon
Posts: 2034
Registered: Nov 2000 | posted August 20, 2001 16:23
Katharyn, I really loved this part and to think, it will only get better IP: Logged |
tommo
Lesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 20, 2001 16:53
I love the background stuff about Tara, that her family might have coped with her being a demon but not being gay. Interesting theory, and quite possibly true, judging from her father's disgust at the 'magickal' items in her room.------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity IP: Logged |
xita
Ms. Moderator
Fantastico
Posts: 5761
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 20, 2001 17:08
by my calculation Tara should be falling hopelessly real soon. Well depending how much time you stretch between this episode and the next. Good logical explanation of why they spent the night together.IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 21, 2001 01:16
Can you say plunging Xita...? Definitely a plunge rather than a fall.And Forrister, I have been thinking far too much about all this! I think a non W/T fan would quite accurately use the word "obsessive." Part 8 - Last Gifts will be posted tonight or tomorrow morning I would think though I may delay it a touch as I want that one to be just right - it has a slight personal connection that I want to be perfectly integrated into the W/T story (well they say write what you know...) and it also delves back into Tara's family history whilst advancing the story. As for the future I may have to slow the posts down a touch (been going at one a day for a while now) simply so I can make time to complete and redraft Part 12 (having recently rewatched Superstar which I had totally ignored before due to the "false reality" though the W/T stuff cannot be ignored) which I have recently inserted into the cycle. So don't worry if any posts are a bit slower appearing - you have been spoilt so far! (though Ruth's Laid to Rest is putting me to shame and is freshly written!) Katharyn ------------------
She's my always [This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited August 21, 2001).] IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 21, 2001 17:10
Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Last Gifts (Currently Part 8)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Absolutely, just keep it constructive as everyone has so far – katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Summary: After “Late” and prior to “A New Definition of Us” in this cycle – between Season 4 Episodes “An New Man” and “The I in Team.” This story is purely a look at Tara’s thoughts, lying awake in bed…and perhaps more importantly alone in that bed. Earlier stories hinted at what she might have started to feel for Willow. This is her realisation of exactly what those feelings are.
Spoiler Warning: Limited Spoilers for anything up to and including “The I in Team” Reference also to some facts learnt in later episodes given the ongoing theme of Tara’s belief in her “demon” heritage.
Disclaimer: This may shock you but I don’t own any aspect of BTVS, or the characters herein. All rights reside with the copyright and trademark owners, writers and producers of the show. Nor am I making any profit out of this story or others in the cycle. In fact I am not making much profit out of anything!
Rating: PG13
Couples: Well one of them is there….give me a chance.
Notes: I don’t recall the manner of the death of Tara’s mother ever being specified so I took liberties as you will see below which may (and knowing my luck will) be contradicted in later episodes – here’s hoping. I once had a similar dream to this. That made me realise just how I felt for someone credited below… so more than the usual this is the sum of my experiences. I would advise reading this twice (so says my beta reader!) to get the crossover points clear. This is a story based on the memory of a dream. As such the characters in that memory jump around and it may not be clear first time round. You’ll see what I mean.
Thanks To: The usual suspects (i.e. the cast, producers etc) but more personally to the kitties at the Kitten, Witches and Bad Wardrobe Board / Different Coloured Pens who seem to be reading this stuff and appreciating it. Also thanks to Halcyon for the note – I’m sure you’ll see what I meant in my reply when you read this.
I think it might be nostalgia at work with people having a positive view of this cycle – everyone else has been there, done this story and moved on to their own creations for W/T. So I’m behind the times…I live in the past. Here’s to the future. And last as always most of all to L – who not even a Buffy Fan beta read this - she’s my always. The Beginnings Cycle Last Gifts By
Katharyn Rosser ‘But I love you!’ Tara jolted herself out of her dream with those words, spoken – no shouted – aloud. The dream had terrified her. Again. A dream in which she was powerless to act. Incapable of resolving the situation. Helpless. In which Willow had died. It had ended with that shout of terror as the young woman, strangely appearing exactly as she had when she was in this room earlier that night, had slipped away from her – the hand that Tara had held becoming lifeless – the eye’s lacking the sparkle that had made Willow, well Willow. Leaving a husk, a shell in the hospital bed. A hospital back home. One she had visited many times, but not the one time she should have. Where her mother had died. She had dreamt often of that day in her life. Begged her mother not to go, not to leave them. Not to give up. To fight for her life and for her family. A dream that had never been reality because she had not been there…at the end…when she had gone. She’d been forbidden to go by a father who wanted to spare her that pain. And every day since then Tara had known that maybe, just maybe, her mother could have been made to fight. If only I had been there and had a chance to speak to her before… she went. In sparing her the pain her Father had forbidden her the chance to make it different. Or the chance, if she had failed, to say good-bye. To let go. And so she was haunted. For Willow to be in that dream, to take her mother’s place… it was unnerving. At first because she didn’t want anyone else to take her mother’s place there. That dream was her penance. The price she paid for not having insisted, for not having fought her Father and forced him to take her to the hospital. She had never really argued with him in her life. He had been the unbending authority figure. And he had always been right – to her at least. So she had not argued. She should have then though. Her brothers could have cared for themselves for those few hours - they were more than old enough. She had needed to be there and liked to think that her mother had needed her there too. That she might have made things different. The problem with that being… that she hadn’t been there. And that was what made it so disturbing. And the second thing…she had been absolutely certain, in that dream state, that it was Willow that was lying there. It wasn’t like a usual dream where you think it is a certain person – even though they were different in some ways. This was Willow and she was in pain. She was dying. And she too wouldn’t stay – even when Tara asked her to. She too would not fight. And all because I couldn’t say the right words. I couldn’t convince her to stay because I couldn’t give her a reason to fight. I couldn’t say it. That final agonised shout had been at an unhearing corpse. The dream Willow had never known. The life had already faded. Her chance had gone again. To save Willow this time. I was too late in telling her. That was the thought that bounced around her brain. Even now, minutes later the dream was still a dislocated part of her reality. She knew Willow was sleeping in her own room. But she also knew that she was lying, cooling to room temperature, on that hospital bed back home. And she felt the grief. The self-loathing associated with her failure and lack of courage. If she had told her sooner. If Willow had been given something to fight for she might have stayed. Her father had let her go. He saw an end to her pain and he embraced it. It had been a long painful journey for her. Whilst Tara had devoted herself to maintaining the house and looking after her brothers he had devoted himself to her mother. It was only during that time that Tara had realised just how much he had loved her and she him. Despite what she was he truly, deeply loved her with a purity that was almost mythic. The stuff of fiction and legend. He loved her so much that he could not want her to stay – let alone ask her to, because she wanted to go. And he couldn’t deny her anything. She couldn’t bring herself to stay even for her children. And Tara had never asked her to. She didn’t know who she despised most for that. He had loved Willow. No he had loved her mother. It was so confusing. So who loved Willow? That would be me? In her mind’s eye two images she had never truly seen were still merging, splitting, coming together and existing simultaneously. The most important person in her life until she had come here to Sunnydale. And the most important person in her life today. And Tara knew in that flash of confusion that right then she loved them both. But one was gone beyond the veil. There was only one chance left. The jolt of that realisation brought her out of the post-dream state to lie there fully awake. Her heart pounding as if she had been running, sweat soaking her sheets, her breath coming in sharp rasps. Clarity was a terrible thing when it was dumped upon you. For so long now Tara knew she had loved, hated and sympathised with her mother in almost equal measure. She resented the fact that she had gone. She had so clearly given up. Not on her, or on her father but on life. When her father had embraced her before he left for the hospital that final day he had almost said as much. He knew that his wife had reached the end – not of her physical endurance, though she had always been a frail woman - but of her strength. Her real strength. Her willpower had been eaten away as surely had her body. She couldn’t face life. And Tara hadn’t wanted to face life without her. She was always there. Always. And she was the only person who shared Tara’s fate. The person who had loved Tara most despite that. If she had known. If she had known that I needed her too, thought Tara. That someone wasn’t willing to let her go, would she have let the doctors try and mend her ravaged body? Perhaps. They might still have failed but we should have tried. She and I. But I was too late. Always too late. That was how the dream went. Always too late. And Willow’s presence in her dream. Their hands clasped at the end as had become their private code. That clasp the same as she had always dreamt of holding her mother’s hand at the end – but never actually done. Had she held Willow’s hand like that the first time because of her dream? Or was she dreaming it because of how she had held Willow’s hand? Where did reality begin? And end? What did that say that she couldn’t tell? That I might be too late again? That I should do something? Anything? That doing something is always better than doing nothing? That I should admit, to myself at least what I should already know? That I am falling in love? With Willow? No that wasn’t the truth. She wasn’t falling in love at all. She had already plunged through the fall and hit the ground…hard. She already loved that young woman. It wasn’t the after effect of the dream, not some hallucination. It was a reality she had resisted, hard, cold and as unyielding as concrete. She had known something was happening for some time. That she was falling…but the fall was without sensation. But now she was at rest, having thudded to a halt on a floor of realisation. Knowing in her heart that it was, in fact, no longer her own. That she wanted to give it – and herself - away. She wanted her heart to belong to another once more. To Willow. But the trouble was it never could. Willow was her friend and that had been enough for her. That had given her something to stay here for. A reason to resist the persuasions of her family. To not return home before she had to. To stay here and know something other than the life she would have to return to next year…when she turned 20. Her mother’s life. But without the compensations of having a love like her father in her life - that had supported her mother. Of being loved genuinely and unconditionally. I will be so alone – she knew that - and once that had seemed an attractive alternative to having the wrong “kind of person” placed in her life. Even if she did meet… someone who was right… they could never return home with her. Even if they wanted to. Even if they wanted me, she admitted to herself, when they found out what I am. But now, admitting how she felt, loneliness was not something she could tolerate, and with Willow as her friend she was not lonely. But more than that…? And another “but” - Willow was not… not like she was. She was still grieving for the loss of her love. A man. Oz in fact. Tara knew Willow’s thoughts were still full of him – even if her words were not. And the way Willow said the name – even when she was almost cursing it. That was not going to change just because Tara wanted it to. Willow was just wired differently… or rather Tara was. She knew Willow liked her – finally realised that after so many doubts that she was truly a friend . There was though a wide gap between that and… anything else. A gap that could never be bridged from one side… For Willow even to suspect that Tara had lost her heart to her might be filled with badness. The sure knowledge might disgust her. She was sure that, in principle and any normal situation, Willow was not a person who would ever judge someone else’s sexuality and lifestyle - it was a totally different thing to have that lifestyle pushed into your face… and to even mention this truth to Willow would be to force the issue on her. Let alone to issue an invitation to it. No matter how open minded a person was that sort of knowledge had to affect the way they treated you – it would for anyone. Gay or straight or anything in between. To know that a person loved you was to force a decision. And that way led to judgement. A judgement that I will not like. And why would she even look at me that way? Aside from the fact that I am entirely the wrong sex… I’m not exactly dish of the day either. Not compared to what that flame haired goddess saw every morning in the mirror. She was so beautiful. Something else that she had never admitted to herself before. Tara was a gay girl…but she had never allowed herself to admit to anything other than the basic physical attractiveness of Willow before – just as she might think about anyone else. Now though she could think it at least. Willow was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. Whilst I am just awkward, plain at best, and have a stammer that could sink a battleship. What am I compared to her? Nothing at all. And that was the least of Willow’s attributes – her physical beauty. Tara’s life, like everyone else’s had been filled with people – and aside from her family – rarely had many even been bothered to do more than tolerate her. Those who liked her – few and far between indeed. She knew that Willow had encountered similar problems but that should never have been. Willow was, she knew, the kindest person she had met…even more so than my mother she was ashamed to admit…the warmest. A complicated personality to be sure. Easily and too often bruised…but devoted. To her friends. To things she need never have gotten involved in. The future of the world. The cause of good in that world. And so strong. Sometimes a strength aroused to anger that did her few favours. But a strength. A strength that was often, even Tara had seen, lacking in her own cause and defence, giving her a strange vulnerability – but for others, already including Tara, the reason that they could continue. A person who would never intentionally hurt her. Tara knew that. But she was also sure that revealing her feelings would estrange them. Create a distance between them that would never truly be bridged – even just to return to how they were now as friends. Willow would forever see the person who wanted to love her. Not a friend. And even more than she knew now that she wanted to be able to freely love Willow she knew that to feel that distance open between them because talking about that wacky thing called love would be intolerable. Silence was the only option. On that topic at least. How could Willow, knowing that Tara loved her and was probably thus physically attracted to her as well ever share a bed with her again – without feeling that she was giving a come on to her? Encouraging Tara? She couldn’t. When Willow had stayed over that late night – and all those times subsequently - Tara had rejoiced at her very presence. She was not alone those nights and she had always been alone. There had been someone else she had…loved, but even she – so long ago – had never shared a night with Tara beyond that disastrous first kiss. There was nothing that had interrupted her physical solitude, not till Willow stayed. It was not romantic. It was certainly not sexual. It was just the presence. The warmth of another human being or rather a human being – not another. A human being I happen to love though. With whom the loneliness goes away. And how long could it last? A year? Not even that. Come her 20th birthday she would be going home…and what would she say then if she were with Willow? Sorry honey I never mentioned I’m a demon. Bye? No, she had seen what happened to Willow when she was abandoned. She could not do that to her…even if she needed Willow. And she couldn’t tell her. Not about her heritage. To ask Willow to accept that she was gay….that she loved her…and in her dreams she wanted to be loved back… and then I’m a demon. And if by some miracle you can accept that then I have to leave you. Forever. A bridge too far… The truth was inescapable though. I love Willow Rosenberg. The thought was not anathema to her brain. What she had already known deep inside her had been pulled to the surface of her thoughts – where she could recognise it. Thank you mother. Thank you for that last gift.
-----------
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always IP: Logged |
tommo
Lesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 21, 2001 17:28
Wow, so very deep into Tara's thoughts there. I like how you link in her past with what she feels for Willow. I really wanted to explore that too, the way she feels with her past experiences. This is good stuff; a nice balance between what we know and what you as a writer have created for us.------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity IP: Logged |
WyrdOne
Floating Rose
Posts: 38
Registered: May 2001 | posted August 21, 2001 18:09
Wow. It's just scary how much I can relate to Tara's situation in that part. Katharyn, you wrote that so well. The situation, Tara's fears about telling Willow...wow. Just perfect. ------------------
~Meredith~
"All worlds intertwine, and all needs meet somewhere in time."
"Sanity isn't all it's cracked up to be."
IP: Logged |
xita
Ms. Moderator
Fantastico
Posts: 5761
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 21, 2001 23:26
Oh, God this is so good. Tara's deep feelings awakened so she can feel again. And she is so passionate. I can't wait for the next part.IP: Logged |
Rane
Big Pineapple
Posts: 975
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 00:12
ok, i need to stop reading this cause if it'll take you a while to post more i'll just go insane. i've just read through them all and i love these kinds of fic, early ones. these are great. you can totally tell you're a brit of some kind with the language and it makes me giggle. i've even begun writing *whilst* in real life. but that's off topic. carry on. IP: Logged |
Zahir
Gay Now!
Posts: 1238
Registered: Nov 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 00:13
The warmth of another human being or rather a human being – not another. A human being I happen to love though. With whom the loneliness goes away. Methinks this might be as good a definition of Love as has ever been written. Congratulations. ------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam [This message has been edited by Zahir (edited August 22, 2001).] IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 00:53
Aaah I had this great reply written and my ISP cut me off and I lost it all!Thanks to one and all for the above comments. You may not believe it given what you have been kind enough to put, but this was a part I was quite worried about. I have had that dream (with slight differences) and I was afraid that this would be so intensely personal that it would detract from the cycle as presented so far. Guess I was wrong, thanks everyone. Now how to follow that one... As I mentioned I was planning to slow down slightly in posting the parts already written to allow time to get part 12 ready, but now I find that my exisiting part 9 is a step too far from this one without something in between. I am therefore going to create a new part nine. If that works then I will post within a couple of days, if not then back to the old part nine, slightly modified. Essentially the problem is this in the exisiting part 9 Willow is also ready to start making a decision on her relationship with Tara, or at least to think about that. Trouble is I haven't even set her up as noticing Tara as anything but a friend. (The existing Part 9 is set during "The I in Team") That just seems a leap too far for me.
Hope that shows why you may have to wait a couple of days Rane! (BTW your right I am a Brit, why use one word when five will do? BUt the worst thing is, I can't write Giles well at all!!)
Thanks again everyone Katharyn ------------------
She's my always IP: Logged |
xita
Ms. Moderator
Fantastico
Posts: 5761
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 01:36
Oh yes, please write part 8B, there needs to be some nice Willow thought where she realizes how she feels! Please IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 13:51
Your wish is my command Miss Moderator Fantastico. Well underway, hoping to compete first draft tonight,redraft tomorrow morning and evening and hopefully posting later tomorrow night or Friday morning...got to keep the momentum going!Katharyn ------------------
She's my always IP: Logged |
tommo
Lesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 14:47
Katharyn, I wouldn't worry when it comes to writing Giles. Just remember, he's anal at the best of times and he doesn't use contractions. Although, somebody wrote me feedback saying I'd written him as an American. Pah. You simply cannot slow down with this. I need to read some vicarious smoochies, please. ------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity IP: Logged |
Forrister
Willowhand
Posts: 413
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 15:18
"But my heart lies with her altogether
Though I live not where I love"(From an Elizabethan love poem) Isn't love grand. (Sigh!?!) IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 16:11
Not everyone writes as fast as you Ruth, least not with the same quality! Giles... not an issue, I am concentrating on our girls! As for vicarious smoochies then that has to wait a little bit yet. I move slowly though this period but I think you will like what will now be part 10...vicarious hand holding enough for now? Working up to smoochies (and more) in short order. (Put it this way Part 18 is New Moon Rising after the fade out, though even that one is not all smoochies...)Part 8B - to be released as the spanking new Part 9 is now complete in first draft form. Very raw and not saying everything I I want it to, or how right now. But it is a place to start. So I am on course for a Friday morning posting maybe even Thursday night (GMT) but I suspect my (much) better half would object to me spending more time on this tonight, she gets so jealous when I play with W&T (not a fan!! Heathen...) Besides I am too close to it now to be objective with the redrafting.
So once again thanks to all for the feedback, this one won't be half as good as people seem to think 8 was as I have not stood in Willow's shoes, but you all gave me a ready made excuse by rushing me so that should be ok Katharyn ------------------
She's my always [This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited August 22, 2001).] IP: Logged |
tommo
Lesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 16:54
quote:
Originally posted by Katharyn:
Not everyone writes as fast as you Ruth, least not with the same quality!
That's debatable. I read what you say about redrafting and I know you're right. I should leave it at least a day in between writing and proofreading, but somehow, I'm as excited to post as I think people are to read it. All in all, I suggest you say to hell with proofreading and redrafting and get your bloody chapters online as soon as you can, heh heh. I'm anxiously awaiting more. ------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity IP: Logged |
posted August 20, 2001 13:52 Thanks Legend, and Ruth - I missed Joss saying that entirely but it sounds pretty good anyway!Anyway Part 7 Kitties. Late...
----------------
Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Late (Currently Part 7)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Absolutely, just keep it constructive – katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Summary: During “A New Man” (Season 4) immediately after the Rose of Synchronicity is zapped by the backlash from Ethan’s use of magic though Willow and Tara do not know that is what happened at this point.
Spoiler Warning: Limited Spoilers for anything up to and including “A New Man” Reference also to some facts learnt in later episodes given the ongoing theme of Tara’s belief in her “demon” heritage.
Disclaimer: This may shock you but I don’t own any aspect of BTVS, or the characters herein. All rights reside with the copyright and trademark owners, writers and producers of the show. Nor am I making any profit out of this story or others in the cycle. In fact I am not making much profit out of anything!
Rating: PG13
Couples: On the way.
Notes: Just another step on the road.
Thanks To: The usual suspects (i.e. the cast, producers etc) but more personally to the kitties at the Kitten, Witches and Bad Wardrobe Board / Different Coloured Pens who seem to be liking all this drivel to some extent and most of all to L – she’s my always.
The Beginnings Cycle
Late
By Katharyn Rosser
‘Did you bring another?’ Tara asked still holding the stem of the rose careful to avoid the thorns not to mention being a little fearful after it’s recent unexplained antics.
‘No, not even a daisy. Didn’t think we would need one it’s supposed to be all about slow, careful control as we work together. Not being zappy and doing aerial displays,’ Willow replied. No that was definitely not in the manual.
‘Another time then…we were doing it though. Working in synchronicity I mean. I could feel the connection we had.’ Tara knew it had been there, the connection had just clicked into place. ‘Before-’
‘Yeah, did you feel that rush of power?’ Willow asked. ‘It was almost scary but in a sort of roller coaster kind of way.’
‘It wasn’t me.’ Tara replied, thinking back to a previous occasion when she had lost some control and the results had been, well hot and flamey – briefly at least. But with the conversation that had followed that and confirmed their friendship – it had certainly been worth it. Since then they had become closer as friends should be. Not just doing spells together but talking. Watching some TV. They didn’t go out, but that was just fine with Tara – she wasn’t a very out person – and she was more interested in getting to know Willow, her friend, than she was in drinking water in the local hangouts.
‘Nor me. I think that someone else was doing something. Something pretty powerful. Big magic,’ Willow thought about it and back to a back to a book she had read a few weeks previously – well it was more of a tome really. ‘Whatever it was raised like the magical background count. Sort of. I’m not sure.’ Willow was reluctant to pursue the theory she had read about but of which she was not sure of the specifics, she had kind of glossed over it in the search for other stuff. Nor was she sure of the actual truth behind the writings – if any. That was the trouble with what was written. It was true for some people, not applicable to others and some of it was out and out fraud.
‘What do you mean?’ Tara wanted to know, less versed in book learnt magical theory than her spell partner – though more aware of the traditions. And if the traditions weren’t helping here at all, maybe Willow’s books could. To be honest that concerned her slightly. Willow’s reliance on experimentation and modification of spells, She treated it like science. Tara had always been taught that Wicca was a tradition. A religion to some – but what was religion but belief in a traditional manner? There were ways to do things. But Willow, usually, got results so who am I, Tara wondered, to gainsay her. Course if could go ka-blooey either way.
‘I’m not sure as I said, but some of the newer tomes I read, you know written in the last half century, suggest that different places have a different ambient level of magic. Like the Hellmouth…a mystical convergence has a higher count than…well Cleveland.’ Willow explained. Half a century old and that was recent work…untested. That was the way magic was, not a lot of academic debate going on in this field. It was a weakness of magic in general and Wicca more than most. Tradition was, in her opinion, altogether too important. And such advances could be made….if people tried and communicated with other practitioners. Compared notes sort of.
‘And when someone uses magic it gets left behind?’ Tara surmised. ‘Like a fingerprint? Must have been pretty powerful though – to raise the…background count. Here I mean - at a Hellmouth.’
‘Yeah’ Willow was worried by that fact as well.
‘Do you recognise it?’ Tara asked.
‘Recognise it?’ Willow was unsure what Tara meant.
‘Well I can tell when you have done a spell or incantation. It sort of leaves your signature in the…background count I guess. Same with mine. There’s a different one when we do it together. I never thought about why that was before…I just accepted it as a given.’ Tara could see that Willow didn’t recognise what she was talking about. ‘You don’t get that?’
‘No, but you are more sensitive to the nuances of the magic works than I am. I’m theory girl.’ It was true – Tara could sense things that she could not, and the palm reading she had done on Willow the other night. Scarily accurate.
‘I thought you were pencil girl.’ Tara joked jabbing a finger at her as if it were a pencil.
‘Quit it pebbles.’ Willow hit back with her own reference to their experiences with simple levitation. ‘It’s true though you are more sensitive to the little disturbances. You’ve never sensed that – signature – before?’ Willow asked, knowing that she would have to report such an occurrence to the others. There was no guarantee that whoever, or whatever this was would just be crash landing occasional floating roses.
‘No. Do you have to go tell Buffy and Giles?’ Tara could almost see the indecision on Willow’s face. Was that a sense of duty? And something else. She appreciated now some of just what Willow’s life was. How important she and her “Scooby” friends were… to everyone.
‘No. It’s gone now…hasn’t it?’ Willow was reluctant to draw the evening to a close just because someone was trying something out…it might be nothing and if it was something the world hadn’t ended…and there wasn’t a crowd of demons running across the lawns. Well… She stood up and went to the window, just to make sure those lawns were actually clear.
‘I can’t feel anything. Nothing out there?’ Tara too was concerned. It wasn’t so very long ago that she and Willow had been chased around campus, and that boost of magic was either very close or very powerful. Or even worse…both.
‘No, all clear. It might even have been the Wicca group, they meet tonight don’t they?’ Willow observed with a wry smile. ‘What’s left of them anyway.’ Tara had found out some weeks ago that their leaving the group had also led some of the other disaffected to leave. Carol and Anne had cornered her and berated Willow to her for causing the problems. They had totally ignored – or perhaps missed – the fact that Tara hadn’t actually attended herself since Willow’s last appearance at the group. Which was the most annoying thing. They had gone through their list of people who had not returned, blamed Willow for that and totally ignored the only actual Wicca that they had.
‘If that was them then they have all changed into toads…or conjured the biggest pile of magical brownies the world has ever seen.’ Tara smiled again. ‘No, that wasn’t them. I think it was just one person…or one thing.’
‘Just one.’ Willow mused and then glanced over to the star they had traced in sand. ‘A lot of power there, dangerous? And what if it was? Not a lot she could do now, even if she could get to Buffy or Giles quickly they’d just sit around and research it all night. Morning would still come… hopefully. Anything that was going to happen tonight was going to anyway. Or had. What could go wrong really? ‘Shall I help you clear up?’ Willow asked, referring to the slightly smudged area of the circle her decision to not rush off confirmed with that simple question.
‘You don’t need to, I can….’ Tara started, and then saw Willow’s face and the rejection of her self-reliance and also that Willow had chosen to stay a while – that the Scooby’s had for once lost out to her. ‘Thanks.’ She went to the wall, knelt and started to collect the fragments of petals that had smashed against that wall and shattered before the crash landing…. ‘Willow since w-when do petals shatter?’
Willow, having collected Tara’s dustpan and brush from the cupboard came over, examining the tiny pieces. ‘Hey, it’s like those flowers they dip in liquid nitrogen. They freeze and shatter when you tap them. We had that in science once, Joey Fernandez dropped a sandwich in the flask the teacher fished it out and it slipped out of the tongues, shattered all over the floor.’
‘But these aren’t cold. Or hot. Just shattered.’ Tara tipped the bits into Willows hand, to let her feel them. ‘Surely they should just have crumpled, maybe fallen off. Look they still crumple…they aren’t sharp or hard. It’s like all the substance has been sucked out of them. The energy. Whatever it is that makes a petal soft is gone.’
‘Mmmn. Like desiccated. When you start altering reality or realities who knows what should happen. At least they didn’t blow up.’ Willow tipped the bits into the dustpan and knelt down to sweep up the sand that formed their circle. ‘You know we should invest in a dust buster. It takes days for this to come out properly. One day were going to have to draw a circle in a hurry and find ourselves inside a square too. That could cause a nasty accident.’
Tara was in agreement but surprised at the time to mention it. ‘Aren’t you bothered by what happened to the rose?’ It was all that was on Tara’s mind right now and yet Willow was strangely detaching herself from the events.
‘Of course - but we can’t do anything about it now, and we don’t know what happened anyway. I thought we could chat for a bit. You know…like we said get with the friend thing. Do a spell, get to know each other a little better. It’s the plan.’ Willow brushed off the occurrence for the reasons she gave…and also because she wanted a night off from the disasters that seemed to go hand in claw with Hellmouths. She wanted to be able to have a friendship without that. ‘We have to have a plan.’ Not that it was the most traditional way to get to know someone…planning it out, making time to be like ‘normal’ friends. But needs must…when the demons kept calling you away.
Tara smiled, the boot now on the other foot, Willow wanting to get chatty whilst she was obsessing about spells. ‘I can live with that plan. Want a drink?’
‘Anything but coffee,’ Willow replied.
‘You always say that. Doesn’t it agree with you?’
‘It makes me jumpy and a little crazy.’ Willow was obviously reliving some of her bad coffee memories as she spoke.
‘Heaven forbid you should get crazy,’ Tara joked. It was hard to imagine though Willow always seemed so in-control. But maybe that wasn’t her natural state. Maybe she was still recovering from her pain. And maybe I, Tara thought, can draw her out of that – because she has already told me that her other friends can’t or won’t. And she wants to. She needs to. She’s tried magic and found out how bad that idea was. And they won’t help her. Tara knew that pain of old and had suffered it alone. It wasn’t the time to be alone – a period in you life when you were in that kind of pain. You needed your friends to help you – not just be there. And I’m not her answer, am I? I could be. If she lets me. If I put myself forward.
‘It isn’t pretty….Hyper Willow.’ Willow replied thinking of her babbling and jumpiness inspired by coffee. ‘Just a little. Thanks.’ Willow took the proffered soda and opened it up. ‘You not having one?’
‘That’s the last. You drank them all,’ Tara accused, but good-natured. She wasn’t a soda fan anyway. Much more water gal.
‘Ooh sorry. I’ll bring some more next time. Share?’ she offered.
‘Thanks.’ Tara sipped from the can, passed it back. ‘Tell me about Buffy’s birthday? Did your surprise party go ok?’ The party had been occupying Willow’s mind and time for a week or so – they had not got a lot done magic-wise but that was ok because they had talked the party over, the plans. It was good for her to celebrate…because she knew that her friend was still hurting, and friendly as they might be aside from the magic there was not a lot going on here that could take Willow’s mind off Oz and the rest.
‘Yes, better than previous years anyway. Less monsters, no violent deaths and more cake.’
‘That’s good.’ Tara observed.
‘Absolutely cake is always good thing. And jelly. And ice-cream. All were to be had in abundance.’ Willow thought about it some more. ‘Sorry I didn’t invite you but it wasn’t really a –
‘It was your roommates birthday. Who I don’t know. With her friends and classmates – who I don’t know. Why would I be there?’ Tara was not at all bitter, just matter of fact.
Matter of fact yes, but there was an unpleasant truth lurking behind those facts – at least as far as Willow could see. She was avoiding taking Tara to meet her friends. Why? She wasn’t sure but it was nonetheless true. Infact she hadn’t even mentioned Tara’s existence to any of them. Not Buffy. Not Xander. None of them. Which was strange. They knew she was a practicing Wicca – literally practicing – so why did she have to say she was in the library or the lab? ‘You could have gone, but -’ Willow was interrupted again.
‘But I wouldn’t have known anyone other than you and you couldn’t always be hanging around with me if I had gone because you had to be with your friends…other friends,’ Tara was pleased to see Willow smile at that last afterthought. ‘So I would probably have sat quietly in a corner eating cake and embarrassing myself if anyone had actually spoken to me.’ Still matter of fact. ‘You don’t have to explain or apologise Willow. I’m used to being alone.’
The straightforward manner in which Tara concluded her statement of understanding almost broke Willow’s heart. Here was a wonderful woman who was never appreciated, as she deserved to be. Sure, Tara was shy, some of it was her own fault – but still. But what can you say to such a statement? To an admittance that this woman had come to accept her lonely status? Nothing that wouldn’t sound patronising or an argument for arguments sake. The fact was that she had left Tara here when she could have invited her, let her had a bad or good time but at least given her the chance to have that time. She wanted to apologise again, to tell Tara it wouldn’t happen again and it shouldn’t but what she actually said was ‘I’m glad you understand. Now you can have your cake.’ Willow reached for her bag and produced a paper napkin, folded around the cake. She could promise it wouldn’t happen again because she knew that she still wasn’t ready to introduce her new friend to her others. ‘And a hat.’
‘Do I have to wear it?’ Tara asked, unfolding the flimsy tissue paper crown.
‘Only whilst you eat the cake.’ Why couldn’t she bring herself to bring Tara out into the light? Why keep her hidden away? Maybe it was a danger thing. She could get hurt if she was exposed to Scooby-levels of monsters. But no that wasn’t it.
Tara put the crown on ripping it slightly as she pushed it too far onto her head.
‘Big head’ joked Willow. Maybe it was a selfish thing – did she want to be the only witch around? Was she jealous of that status. No that wasn’t true either. But it was a selfish thing though. I just want her to myself. My friend. Not Buffy’s or Xander’s. Mine. And that wasn’t fair on Tara not at all.
Tara just looked at her after that taunt.
And Willow wilted under the mock-glare. There was no one she had ever met less big headed than Tara Maclay. ‘Sorry.’ When she said sorry though it was for more than just the joke.
Tara smiled. ‘Want some?’ Tara offered a piece of the crumbly cake to Willow who shook her head with a little too much enthusiasm to be innocent. Tara understood why when she had tasted it. And almost spat it out despite being in company, which was not at all how she had been raised.
Willow smiled. ‘Well you said you wanted to know my friends better. Cake a la Xander and Anya. Fortunately not the main cake – which Anya was ticked off about but was definitely a good thing.’ The ex-demon had not been at all impressed – until she had tasted the cake she and Xander had baked and the proper one and castigated Xander for his choice of sample products. The girl was definitely judgemental.
‘Definitely - what is it?’ Tara asked, finally having managed to swallow the mouthful
‘Some taste test product Xander had. They sent him a trial pack and it said that you could make cakes out of them if you ground them up. So they did.’ Willow laughed. ‘Now you know. Xander and Anya are not master bakers.’
‘Good to know.’ Tara binned the rest of the cake, removed the hat and folding it carefully placed it on the desk well away from the crumpled napkin the cake had been delivered in – saving it.
‘We sort of ran out of cake before I could get you any – the real cake I mean. Sorry.’ Willow apologised again.
‘The way you say her name. Anya. You don’t like her do you?’ Tara observed and wanting to know what would turn this seemingly mild mannered woman against someone so vehemently – though she suspected that there were deeply felt passions within Willow that circumstances could awake – that she could be quite scary if she was aroused to it. Though probably not if she tried to be. If Willow tried to be scary it would probably come off as awkward, false and slightly ridiculous. She just wasn’t a nasty enough person to be that way. But if her feelings led her to anger and bitterness – as they had all too recently - then the world might shake. But perhaps that was a cliché about redheads and their tempers.
‘I mentioned she used to be a demon?’ Willow asked.
‘A few times.’ Tara chose not to pursue that aspect of Willow’s prejudice as it hit a little too close to home. Would Willow hate her this much within the year?
‘Well, did I mention that she tried to fool me into getting her amulet back – that it would make her a vengeance demon again? And it went – well more than ka-blooey?’ Willow was indignant even now that she had been fooled into that – more so because it had been a fit of her own pique that had allowed it to happen. If she hadn’t been feeling so sorry for herself that would never have happened. She had wanted to stop being used and was just used again. People wouldn’t have died at the Bronze if she had thought about it and not just reacted to some perceived slight. At least not from what she caused… the death count at the Bronze was pretty low that night though anyway – especially for Sunnydale. But that wasn’t a comfort. Infact it was made worse because it was sort of her – the evil twin – that caused them directly.
‘No. What happened? Singed eyebrows?’
‘Oh no. She triggered…we triggered…a portal to another reality where she had lost the amulet. But we missed it…the amulet I mean, but we brought back someone from there.’ Willow replied, in a manner that suggested singed eyebrows would be infinitely preferable to her.
‘Who?’
‘Me. Well kind of.’
‘You met yourself?’ Tara was curious now. ‘How were you?’
‘A vampire. Not one hundred per cent with it in the sanity kind of way…or even twenty percent really, actually five percent might be pushing the limits of credibility. And I was also…’ Willow trailed off and then continued ‘well…sort of gay’ she revealed as if that was more disturbing than the vampire part or the insanity.
Tara blinked. ‘Wow.’ A reflexive comment, but even she would have trouble specifying just what it was a reflex to – the whole scenario or some specific part of it? That last part? It made her think. It made an inkling she had buried and suppressed spring to life for a few moments. An inkling within herself of just why that might matter to her – even in alternate reality, or dimension or whatever it was. But it was an inkling that she could barely acknowledge – let alone half-seriously think about this was her friend…her only friend. But still…the inkling remained and aggravated her until she put it down fiercely.
‘Yeah. She went on the rampage for a while, but we sent her back to the nasty Sunnydale she came from. I kind of felt sorry for her though. Being bitten probably wasn’t her fault and there but for being bitten go I.’ Willow sounded as if she didn’t actually regret the incident, kind of wistful. The chances of being bitten round here were pretty high…is that what she would have become without a soul? Willow had often lain awake and thought about that and if she was honest apart from the insanity and the gay thing that might be her. With no soul – no self-doubt to hold her back. That might have been her. Would perhaps have been already if Spike had been able to bite her in her room and had turned her as he threatened. Well offered…
Tara continued - ‘Is that really what turned you against Anya? Sure it wasn’t her going after…and getting Xander?’ Tara knew of course that Xander also figured large in Willow’s thoughts. She had heard enough stories and had a pretty fair guess where the frustration with Anya might have come from.
‘I have to admit that annoyed me but I am well and truly over that now. Really. But it is par for the course.’ Willow smiled again. Taking the topic away from that aspect of Xander that she didn’t like to discuss. Not anymore. Not because she still harboured those wrong feelings but because of what they had done to her in the past.
‘Huh?’
‘Well Xander is kind of paranormal in his choice of love life. Giant preying mantis woman, Inca mummy girl, Cordelia – who barely qualified as human and an ex-vengeance demon. We are all doomed. I mean look at me too…werewolf…Buffy - vampire with a soul who loses it if she …makes him happy. Xander just does so much worse. It’s a good job we all have a sense of humour.’
‘He chose you. Once.’ Tara pointed out.
‘Wanna-be witch back then and that all worked out really well. Or not. I told you that right? I had wanted it for so long – but it was just a dream. That was all. When we were really…together…then it wasn’t right – I think we both knew it. And not because we were with others.’ Willow admitted to Tara. ‘We were friends…and that is what we were meant to be. In the grand scheme of things we weren’t meant to be anything more than friends no matter how much I dreamt about it.’
‘Yes. But though it might not have worked but he had some taste after all,’ said Tara trying to look on the bright side, and pay her friend a backhanded compliment. And couldn’t help wondering if that awakened inkling had sent her fishing. A little harmless fishing trip? Inklings after all weren’t even thoughts.
‘Gee thanks. Flatter me some more’ Willow replied caustically, though underlined with humour, it was not an incident of which she was at all proud – particularly now in the absence of Oz. Might he not have…strayed…if she hadn’t got involved earlier with Xander? It was irrational – she had refuted the possibility herself, but could it all be her fault? Could it all go back to that?
‘Maybe later’ Tara shot back quickly.
Broken out of that destructive train of thought Willow checked her watch. ‘Later? I think you might mean earlier. It’s gone three. I should go. Doctor Perez savaged the last person to fall asleep in his lectures. I don’t do well being savaged.’ Besides she’d spent enough sleepless nights worrying about why he had left… ultimately. And every night a different possibility emerged as prime candidate. Enough was enough. Though he might be back tomorrow, he had been gone long enough now for her to realise and finally accept that he might never return. It still hurt – a lot but for her own sanity she needed to realise that. And thought that she did now.
Tara could see Willow was thinking of something other than – or prompted by – their conversation. ‘You don’t have to. G-go I mean. You c-could stay over if you like,’ Tara blurted out. Seeming to surprise herself with the offer but once made it seemed like the perfect idea. At such a late hour, with no one to make sure Willow got home safe why not. That’s what friends do.
‘Really?’ Willow had never even thought of it. It made sense, being so late Buffy and Riley might have assumed she was not coming back and decide to…snuggle. ‘I don’t have any of my stuff.’
‘You can go home in the morning for it. I have to be up early anyway - do my laundry before the first class. I’ll lend you a shirt and a toothbrush.’ Tara offered. ‘And I’ll make sure you get to your lecture in time. Promise.’ She smiled, the nervousness hidden.
‘Aaah you are a wicked one…you have a spare toothbrush for…guests, for gentlemen friends?’ Willow joked.
Tara went bright red, embarrassed and ashamed at the insinuation despite the fact she knew it was a joke. ‘N-No, I just b-bought a n-new one.’ Her speech once again fell apart as she got distressed. And certainly she would never have one for “gentlemen friends” as Willow put it. Never that but how could Willow know that? The subject had never come up and she wasn’t about to raise it – besides it’s not like I’m…. practising…or even reading the theory. And aside from inklings not even thinking about it as much right now.
‘And a big bed.’ Willow followed up before realising just how she had affected Tara with her last statement. She stopped as Tara began to shift from embarrassed to almost distraught. Seeing the genuine distress the joke was no longer in the least bit funny. Willow gave over with the pointed humour and put a hand on her newest friend’s arm. ‘It’s ok, I believe you…’ Seeing the look still on Tara’s face ‘I didn’t mean anything but a joke, honest. And thank you…it is a bit late to be crossing campus alone.’
Tara’s expression shifted to a beaming smile, almost instantly, in spite of herself, ‘Especially when you know what is out there.’
‘Yes, it kind of puts a damper on the free spirited fun…at night at least.’ Willow frowned. ‘Not that I have ever really been renowned for my free spiritedness. Or fun.’
‘I never had a sleepover before.’ Tara mused, ‘My dad wasn’t much into that sort of fun for his only d-daughter.’ Truth be told her father was more than aware of her non-magical inclinations – had been since… Not that he had ever said a word of disapproval, not about that at least – but he had avoided situations with any connotations of those inclinations for her because he knew that Donny and her Aunts and Uncles would be nowhere near as understanding. They might tolerate her being a demon but being…the other. No. Closed minded on that front.
‘It’s not a sleepover until you can’t count the sleeping bags on one hand. This is more a…bed share.’ She paused. ‘You did mean for us to share the bed…or am I sleeping on the floor?’
‘I was thinking of letting you take a chair and sleep in the corridor’ Tara joked, in higher spirits now than at any time in the night so far, even when she had opened the door to her friend some hours ago. ‘Course you get part of the bed silly.’ Not that she had ever wanted a sleepover at home anyway. Lacking enough friends at school to get anywhere near Willow’s definition.
‘Oh that’s good. I once slept in the corridor after a party at Jesse’s house. People kept falling over me.’ Relieved Willow started to hunt for sight of the promised accessories. ‘Have you got the toothbrush?’ Willow asked.
‘On the windowsill, still in the box. I’ll get you the shirt whilst you wash up.’ Tara offered.
Willow left for the bathroom down the hall and Tara was alone in her room, but knew that she would not be spending another lonely night tonight. Surprised at herself if not shocked. This was not something she had planned on, or even really wanted. Until that moment when she had suggested it when it had come to mean more than it should to her in the last minutes. Inklings again. She almost felt dirty for even letting such inklings into her mind. Though she knew she had gained some feelings for Willow beyond friendship, she was in no way certain of herself at this point…let alone having any idea how to read the other young woman’s emotions and feelings in that regard. Besides everything she had learnt about Willow so far suggested that the red-haired woman would never have such inklings of her own and besides they were still trying to get to know each other as friends should – let alone anything else. The thought process was dangerous. It could lead to her being hurt when she had no right to even be thinking about such things. She couldn’t start to think about Willow that way. It would spoil everything they had and were getting.
She fished a long t-shirt from the drawer and left it on the edge of the bed, hurriedly changed, retrieved her own toothbrush and as Willow came in beat a tactful retreat to go wash up herself, departing with a smile as Willow thanked her for the shirt.
When she returned Willow had neatly folded her clothes and placed them on the back of the desk chair, standing at the end of the bed. Smiling at Tara as she came in ‘I didn’t know which side you wanted. After all it is your bed.’
‘I don’t mind, never really thought about it’ Tara replied.
‘Never had to share it?’ Willow asked and almost immediately regretted the question and all it implied. Oh way to go Willow. Let’s just start probing into her friends more intimate past. Wonderful conversation piece when you know how she reacts to stuff like this.
Embarrassed again Tara replied ‘N-No.’
‘Sorry, I just meant it’s kind of weird, sharing’ Willow stated. ‘Took me and Oz…’ She tailed off. ‘Enough of that.’
‘What?’ Tara asked, interested in the person who had shared Willow’s life and had so obviously shattered it by leaving. And that he had left…a gap in that life.
‘Enough looking back at what was,’ Willow resolved. ‘I have to accept that I may never see him again. Not that I want to accept it…I don’t. But I have to.’
Tara smiled. ‘OK, no looking back between three and seven a.m.’
‘Well alright then. I’ll take the left side…since I’m in it already,’ Willow offered after taking her choice anyway by climbing into that side. She would have moved if Tara had asked her to, but she knew that Tara wasn’t going to say a word…whatever she felt. Or wherever she needed to lie to be able to sleep. The other young woman needed a shot of self-confidence Willow thought…not that I am one to even think that myself let alone comment on others.
‘OK.’ Tara climbed into the other side of the bed, lay on her back for a second, reached out and turned off the bedside lamp that had illuminated the room. ‘Good night Willow.’
‘Good night Tara.’
They lay there for just a few minutes and then as fatigue borne of the late hour and spell casting set in turned over and, backs towards each other fell asleep in minutes. Separate and divided but not totally alone in the night.
------------------
She's my always
IP: Logged
Forrister
Willowhand
Posts: 413
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 20, 2001 15:42
You've thought a lot about this, haven't you?I've always maintained (in the face of stiff opposition) that Tara seemed to be far more in touch with her own feelings and motivations than Willow, and that she was a keen judge of character. It's only when she actually interacts with another person that she seems to falter. Keep writing. Give me more to think about! Forrister IP: Logged |
Warduke
Strong like an Amazon
Posts: 2034
Registered: Nov 2000 | posted August 20, 2001 16:23
Katharyn, I really loved this part and to think, it will only get better IP: Logged |
tommo
Lesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 20, 2001 16:53
I love the background stuff about Tara, that her family might have coped with her being a demon but not being gay. Interesting theory, and quite possibly true, judging from her father's disgust at the 'magickal' items in her room.------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity IP: Logged |
xita
Ms. Moderator
Fantastico
Posts: 5761
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 20, 2001 17:08
by my calculation Tara should be falling hopelessly real soon. Well depending how much time you stretch between this episode and the next. Good logical explanation of why they spent the night together.IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 21, 2001 01:16
Can you say plunging Xita...? Definitely a plunge rather than a fall.And Forrister, I have been thinking far too much about all this! I think a non W/T fan would quite accurately use the word "obsessive." Part 8 - Last Gifts will be posted tonight or tomorrow morning I would think though I may delay it a touch as I want that one to be just right - it has a slight personal connection that I want to be perfectly integrated into the W/T story (well they say write what you know...) and it also delves back into Tara's family history whilst advancing the story. As for the future I may have to slow the posts down a touch (been going at one a day for a while now) simply so I can make time to complete and redraft Part 12 (having recently rewatched Superstar which I had totally ignored before due to the "false reality" though the W/T stuff cannot be ignored) which I have recently inserted into the cycle. So don't worry if any posts are a bit slower appearing - you have been spoilt so far! (though Ruth's Laid to Rest is putting me to shame and is freshly written!) Katharyn ------------------
She's my always [This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited August 21, 2001).] IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 21, 2001 17:10
Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Last Gifts (Currently Part 8)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Absolutely, just keep it constructive as everyone has so far – katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Summary: After “Late” and prior to “A New Definition of Us” in this cycle – between Season 4 Episodes “An New Man” and “The I in Team.” This story is purely a look at Tara’s thoughts, lying awake in bed…and perhaps more importantly alone in that bed. Earlier stories hinted at what she might have started to feel for Willow. This is her realisation of exactly what those feelings are.
Spoiler Warning: Limited Spoilers for anything up to and including “The I in Team” Reference also to some facts learnt in later episodes given the ongoing theme of Tara’s belief in her “demon” heritage.
Disclaimer: This may shock you but I don’t own any aspect of BTVS, or the characters herein. All rights reside with the copyright and trademark owners, writers and producers of the show. Nor am I making any profit out of this story or others in the cycle. In fact I am not making much profit out of anything!
Rating: PG13
Couples: Well one of them is there….give me a chance.
Notes: I don’t recall the manner of the death of Tara’s mother ever being specified so I took liberties as you will see below which may (and knowing my luck will) be contradicted in later episodes – here’s hoping. I once had a similar dream to this. That made me realise just how I felt for someone credited below… so more than the usual this is the sum of my experiences. I would advise reading this twice (so says my beta reader!) to get the crossover points clear. This is a story based on the memory of a dream. As such the characters in that memory jump around and it may not be clear first time round. You’ll see what I mean.
Thanks To: The usual suspects (i.e. the cast, producers etc) but more personally to the kitties at the Kitten, Witches and Bad Wardrobe Board / Different Coloured Pens who seem to be reading this stuff and appreciating it. Also thanks to Halcyon for the note – I’m sure you’ll see what I meant in my reply when you read this.
I think it might be nostalgia at work with people having a positive view of this cycle – everyone else has been there, done this story and moved on to their own creations for W/T. So I’m behind the times…I live in the past. Here’s to the future. And last as always most of all to L – who not even a Buffy Fan beta read this - she’s my always. The Beginnings Cycle Last Gifts By
Katharyn Rosser ‘But I love you!’ Tara jolted herself out of her dream with those words, spoken – no shouted – aloud. The dream had terrified her. Again. A dream in which she was powerless to act. Incapable of resolving the situation. Helpless. In which Willow had died. It had ended with that shout of terror as the young woman, strangely appearing exactly as she had when she was in this room earlier that night, had slipped away from her – the hand that Tara had held becoming lifeless – the eye’s lacking the sparkle that had made Willow, well Willow. Leaving a husk, a shell in the hospital bed. A hospital back home. One she had visited many times, but not the one time she should have. Where her mother had died. She had dreamt often of that day in her life. Begged her mother not to go, not to leave them. Not to give up. To fight for her life and for her family. A dream that had never been reality because she had not been there…at the end…when she had gone. She’d been forbidden to go by a father who wanted to spare her that pain. And every day since then Tara had known that maybe, just maybe, her mother could have been made to fight. If only I had been there and had a chance to speak to her before… she went. In sparing her the pain her Father had forbidden her the chance to make it different. Or the chance, if she had failed, to say good-bye. To let go. And so she was haunted. For Willow to be in that dream, to take her mother’s place… it was unnerving. At first because she didn’t want anyone else to take her mother’s place there. That dream was her penance. The price she paid for not having insisted, for not having fought her Father and forced him to take her to the hospital. She had never really argued with him in her life. He had been the unbending authority figure. And he had always been right – to her at least. So she had not argued. She should have then though. Her brothers could have cared for themselves for those few hours - they were more than old enough. She had needed to be there and liked to think that her mother had needed her there too. That she might have made things different. The problem with that being… that she hadn’t been there. And that was what made it so disturbing. And the second thing…she had been absolutely certain, in that dream state, that it was Willow that was lying there. It wasn’t like a usual dream where you think it is a certain person – even though they were different in some ways. This was Willow and she was in pain. She was dying. And she too wouldn’t stay – even when Tara asked her to. She too would not fight. And all because I couldn’t say the right words. I couldn’t convince her to stay because I couldn’t give her a reason to fight. I couldn’t say it. That final agonised shout had been at an unhearing corpse. The dream Willow had never known. The life had already faded. Her chance had gone again. To save Willow this time. I was too late in telling her. That was the thought that bounced around her brain. Even now, minutes later the dream was still a dislocated part of her reality. She knew Willow was sleeping in her own room. But she also knew that she was lying, cooling to room temperature, on that hospital bed back home. And she felt the grief. The self-loathing associated with her failure and lack of courage. If she had told her sooner. If Willow had been given something to fight for she might have stayed. Her father had let her go. He saw an end to her pain and he embraced it. It had been a long painful journey for her. Whilst Tara had devoted herself to maintaining the house and looking after her brothers he had devoted himself to her mother. It was only during that time that Tara had realised just how much he had loved her and she him. Despite what she was he truly, deeply loved her with a purity that was almost mythic. The stuff of fiction and legend. He loved her so much that he could not want her to stay – let alone ask her to, because she wanted to go. And he couldn’t deny her anything. She couldn’t bring herself to stay even for her children. And Tara had never asked her to. She didn’t know who she despised most for that. He had loved Willow. No he had loved her mother. It was so confusing. So who loved Willow? That would be me? In her mind’s eye two images she had never truly seen were still merging, splitting, coming together and existing simultaneously. The most important person in her life until she had come here to Sunnydale. And the most important person in her life today. And Tara knew in that flash of confusion that right then she loved them both. But one was gone beyond the veil. There was only one chance left. The jolt of that realisation brought her out of the post-dream state to lie there fully awake. Her heart pounding as if she had been running, sweat soaking her sheets, her breath coming in sharp rasps. Clarity was a terrible thing when it was dumped upon you. For so long now Tara knew she had loved, hated and sympathised with her mother in almost equal measure. She resented the fact that she had gone. She had so clearly given up. Not on her, or on her father but on life. When her father had embraced her before he left for the hospital that final day he had almost said as much. He knew that his wife had reached the end – not of her physical endurance, though she had always been a frail woman - but of her strength. Her real strength. Her willpower had been eaten away as surely had her body. She couldn’t face life. And Tara hadn’t wanted to face life without her. She was always there. Always. And she was the only person who shared Tara’s fate. The person who had loved Tara most despite that. If she had known. If she had known that I needed her too, thought Tara. That someone wasn’t willing to let her go, would she have let the doctors try and mend her ravaged body? Perhaps. They might still have failed but we should have tried. She and I. But I was too late. Always too late. That was how the dream went. Always too late. And Willow’s presence in her dream. Their hands clasped at the end as had become their private code. That clasp the same as she had always dreamt of holding her mother’s hand at the end – but never actually done. Had she held Willow’s hand like that the first time because of her dream? Or was she dreaming it because of how she had held Willow’s hand? Where did reality begin? And end? What did that say that she couldn’t tell? That I might be too late again? That I should do something? Anything? That doing something is always better than doing nothing? That I should admit, to myself at least what I should already know? That I am falling in love? With Willow? No that wasn’t the truth. She wasn’t falling in love at all. She had already plunged through the fall and hit the ground…hard. She already loved that young woman. It wasn’t the after effect of the dream, not some hallucination. It was a reality she had resisted, hard, cold and as unyielding as concrete. She had known something was happening for some time. That she was falling…but the fall was without sensation. But now she was at rest, having thudded to a halt on a floor of realisation. Knowing in her heart that it was, in fact, no longer her own. That she wanted to give it – and herself - away. She wanted her heart to belong to another once more. To Willow. But the trouble was it never could. Willow was her friend and that had been enough for her. That had given her something to stay here for. A reason to resist the persuasions of her family. To not return home before she had to. To stay here and know something other than the life she would have to return to next year…when she turned 20. Her mother’s life. But without the compensations of having a love like her father in her life - that had supported her mother. Of being loved genuinely and unconditionally. I will be so alone – she knew that - and once that had seemed an attractive alternative to having the wrong “kind of person” placed in her life. Even if she did meet… someone who was right… they could never return home with her. Even if they wanted to. Even if they wanted me, she admitted to herself, when they found out what I am. But now, admitting how she felt, loneliness was not something she could tolerate, and with Willow as her friend she was not lonely. But more than that…? And another “but” - Willow was not… not like she was. She was still grieving for the loss of her love. A man. Oz in fact. Tara knew Willow’s thoughts were still full of him – even if her words were not. And the way Willow said the name – even when she was almost cursing it. That was not going to change just because Tara wanted it to. Willow was just wired differently… or rather Tara was. She knew Willow liked her – finally realised that after so many doubts that she was truly a friend . There was though a wide gap between that and… anything else. A gap that could never be bridged from one side… For Willow even to suspect that Tara had lost her heart to her might be filled with badness. The sure knowledge might disgust her. She was sure that, in principle and any normal situation, Willow was not a person who would ever judge someone else’s sexuality and lifestyle - it was a totally different thing to have that lifestyle pushed into your face… and to even mention this truth to Willow would be to force the issue on her. Let alone to issue an invitation to it. No matter how open minded a person was that sort of knowledge had to affect the way they treated you – it would for anyone. Gay or straight or anything in between. To know that a person loved you was to force a decision. And that way led to judgement. A judgement that I will not like. And why would she even look at me that way? Aside from the fact that I am entirely the wrong sex… I’m not exactly dish of the day either. Not compared to what that flame haired goddess saw every morning in the mirror. She was so beautiful. Something else that she had never admitted to herself before. Tara was a gay girl…but she had never allowed herself to admit to anything other than the basic physical attractiveness of Willow before – just as she might think about anyone else. Now though she could think it at least. Willow was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. Whilst I am just awkward, plain at best, and have a stammer that could sink a battleship. What am I compared to her? Nothing at all. And that was the least of Willow’s attributes – her physical beauty. Tara’s life, like everyone else’s had been filled with people – and aside from her family – rarely had many even been bothered to do more than tolerate her. Those who liked her – few and far between indeed. She knew that Willow had encountered similar problems but that should never have been. Willow was, she knew, the kindest person she had met…even more so than my mother she was ashamed to admit…the warmest. A complicated personality to be sure. Easily and too often bruised…but devoted. To her friends. To things she need never have gotten involved in. The future of the world. The cause of good in that world. And so strong. Sometimes a strength aroused to anger that did her few favours. But a strength. A strength that was often, even Tara had seen, lacking in her own cause and defence, giving her a strange vulnerability – but for others, already including Tara, the reason that they could continue. A person who would never intentionally hurt her. Tara knew that. But she was also sure that revealing her feelings would estrange them. Create a distance between them that would never truly be bridged – even just to return to how they were now as friends. Willow would forever see the person who wanted to love her. Not a friend. And even more than she knew now that she wanted to be able to freely love Willow she knew that to feel that distance open between them because talking about that wacky thing called love would be intolerable. Silence was the only option. On that topic at least. How could Willow, knowing that Tara loved her and was probably thus physically attracted to her as well ever share a bed with her again – without feeling that she was giving a come on to her? Encouraging Tara? She couldn’t. When Willow had stayed over that late night – and all those times subsequently - Tara had rejoiced at her very presence. She was not alone those nights and she had always been alone. There had been someone else she had…loved, but even she – so long ago – had never shared a night with Tara beyond that disastrous first kiss. There was nothing that had interrupted her physical solitude, not till Willow stayed. It was not romantic. It was certainly not sexual. It was just the presence. The warmth of another human being or rather a human being – not another. A human being I happen to love though. With whom the loneliness goes away. And how long could it last? A year? Not even that. Come her 20th birthday she would be going home…and what would she say then if she were with Willow? Sorry honey I never mentioned I’m a demon. Bye? No, she had seen what happened to Willow when she was abandoned. She could not do that to her…even if she needed Willow. And she couldn’t tell her. Not about her heritage. To ask Willow to accept that she was gay….that she loved her…and in her dreams she wanted to be loved back… and then I’m a demon. And if by some miracle you can accept that then I have to leave you. Forever. A bridge too far… The truth was inescapable though. I love Willow Rosenberg. The thought was not anathema to her brain. What she had already known deep inside her had been pulled to the surface of her thoughts – where she could recognise it. Thank you mother. Thank you for that last gift.
-----------
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always IP: Logged |
tommo
Lesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 21, 2001 17:28
Wow, so very deep into Tara's thoughts there. I like how you link in her past with what she feels for Willow. I really wanted to explore that too, the way she feels with her past experiences. This is good stuff; a nice balance between what we know and what you as a writer have created for us.------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity IP: Logged |
WyrdOne
Floating Rose
Posts: 38
Registered: May 2001 | posted August 21, 2001 18:09
Wow. It's just scary how much I can relate to Tara's situation in that part. Katharyn, you wrote that so well. The situation, Tara's fears about telling Willow...wow. Just perfect. ------------------
~Meredith~
"All worlds intertwine, and all needs meet somewhere in time."
"Sanity isn't all it's cracked up to be."
IP: Logged |
xita
Ms. Moderator
Fantastico
Posts: 5761
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 21, 2001 23:26
Oh, God this is so good. Tara's deep feelings awakened so she can feel again. And she is so passionate. I can't wait for the next part.IP: Logged |
Rane
Big Pineapple
Posts: 975
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 00:12
ok, i need to stop reading this cause if it'll take you a while to post more i'll just go insane. i've just read through them all and i love these kinds of fic, early ones. these are great. you can totally tell you're a brit of some kind with the language and it makes me giggle. i've even begun writing *whilst* in real life. but that's off topic. carry on. IP: Logged |
Zahir
Gay Now!
Posts: 1238
Registered: Nov 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 00:13
The warmth of another human being or rather a human being – not another. A human being I happen to love though. With whom the loneliness goes away. Methinks this might be as good a definition of Love as has ever been written. Congratulations. ------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam [This message has been edited by Zahir (edited August 22, 2001).] IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 00:53
Aaah I had this great reply written and my ISP cut me off and I lost it all!Thanks to one and all for the above comments. You may not believe it given what you have been kind enough to put, but this was a part I was quite worried about. I have had that dream (with slight differences) and I was afraid that this would be so intensely personal that it would detract from the cycle as presented so far. Guess I was wrong, thanks everyone. Now how to follow that one... As I mentioned I was planning to slow down slightly in posting the parts already written to allow time to get part 12 ready, but now I find that my exisiting part 9 is a step too far from this one without something in between. I am therefore going to create a new part nine. If that works then I will post within a couple of days, if not then back to the old part nine, slightly modified. Essentially the problem is this in the exisiting part 9 Willow is also ready to start making a decision on her relationship with Tara, or at least to think about that. Trouble is I haven't even set her up as noticing Tara as anything but a friend. (The existing Part 9 is set during "The I in Team") That just seems a leap too far for me.
Hope that shows why you may have to wait a couple of days Rane! (BTW your right I am a Brit, why use one word when five will do? BUt the worst thing is, I can't write Giles well at all!!)
Thanks again everyone Katharyn ------------------
She's my always IP: Logged |
xita
Ms. Moderator
Fantastico
Posts: 5761
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 01:36
Oh yes, please write part 8B, there needs to be some nice Willow thought where she realizes how she feels! Please IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 13:51
Your wish is my command Miss Moderator Fantastico. Well underway, hoping to compete first draft tonight,redraft tomorrow morning and evening and hopefully posting later tomorrow night or Friday morning...got to keep the momentum going!Katharyn ------------------
She's my always IP: Logged |
tommo
Lesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 14:47
Katharyn, I wouldn't worry when it comes to writing Giles. Just remember, he's anal at the best of times and he doesn't use contractions. Although, somebody wrote me feedback saying I'd written him as an American. Pah. You simply cannot slow down with this. I need to read some vicarious smoochies, please. ------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity IP: Logged |
Forrister
Willowhand
Posts: 413
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 15:18
"But my heart lies with her altogether
Though I live not where I love"(From an Elizabethan love poem) Isn't love grand. (Sigh!?!) IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 16:11
Not everyone writes as fast as you Ruth, least not with the same quality! Giles... not an issue, I am concentrating on our girls! As for vicarious smoochies then that has to wait a little bit yet. I move slowly though this period but I think you will like what will now be part 10...vicarious hand holding enough for now? Working up to smoochies (and more) in short order. (Put it this way Part 18 is New Moon Rising after the fade out, though even that one is not all smoochies...)Part 8B - to be released as the spanking new Part 9 is now complete in first draft form. Very raw and not saying everything I I want it to, or how right now. But it is a place to start. So I am on course for a Friday morning posting maybe even Thursday night (GMT) but I suspect my (much) better half would object to me spending more time on this tonight, she gets so jealous when I play with W&T (not a fan!! Heathen...) Besides I am too close to it now to be objective with the redrafting.
So once again thanks to all for the feedback, this one won't be half as good as people seem to think 8 was as I have not stood in Willow's shoes, but you all gave me a ready made excuse by rushing me so that should be ok Katharyn ------------------
She's my always [This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited August 22, 2001).] IP: Logged |
tommo
Lesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 16:54
quote:
Originally posted by Katharyn:
Not everyone writes as fast as you Ruth, least not with the same quality!
That's debatable. I read what you say about redrafting and I know you're right. I should leave it at least a day in between writing and proofreading, but somehow, I'm as excited to post as I think people are to read it. All in all, I suggest you say to hell with proofreading and redrafting and get your bloody chapters online as soon as you can, heh heh. I'm anxiously awaiting more. ------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity IP: Logged |
IP: LoggedForristerWillowhand
Posts: 413
Registered: Aug 2001 posted August 20, 2001 15:42
You've thought a lot about this, haven't you?I've always maintained (in the face of stiff opposition) that Tara seemed to be far more in touch with her own feelings and motivations than Willow, and that she was a keen judge of character. It's only when she actually interacts with another person that she seems to falter.
Keep writing. Give me more to think about!
Forrister
IP: Logged
posted August 20, 2001 15:42 You've thought a lot about this, haven't you?I've always maintained (in the face of stiff opposition) that Tara seemed to be far more in touch with her own feelings and motivations than Willow, and that she was a keen judge of character. It's only when she actually interacts with another person that she seems to falter.
Keep writing. Give me more to think about!
Forrister
IP: LoggedWardukeStrong like an Amazon
Posts: 2034
Registered: Nov 2000 posted August 20, 2001 16:23
Katharyn, I really loved this part and to think, it will only get better IP: Logged
posted August 20, 2001 16:23 Katharyn, I really loved this part and to think, it will only get better IP: LoggedtommoLesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 posted August 20, 2001 16:53
I love the background stuff about Tara, that her family might have coped with her being a demon but not being gay. Interesting theory, and quite possibly true, judging from her father's disgust at the 'magickal' items in her room.------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: Logged
posted August 20, 2001 16:53 I love the background stuff about Tara, that her family might have coped with her being a demon but not being gay. Interesting theory, and quite possibly true, judging from her father's disgust at the 'magickal' items in her room.------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: LoggedxitaMs. Moderator
Fantastico
Posts: 5761
Registered: Sep 2000Ms. Moderator
Fantastico posted August 20, 2001 17:08
by my calculation Tara should be falling hopelessly real soon. Well depending how much time you stretch between this episode and the next. Good logical explanation of why they spent the night together.IP: Logged
posted August 20, 2001 17:08 by my calculation Tara should be falling hopelessly real soon. Well depending how much time you stretch between this episode and the next. Good logical explanation of why they spent the night together.IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 posted August 21, 2001 01:16
Can you say plunging Xita...? Definitely a plunge rather than a fall.And Forrister, I have been thinking far too much about all this! I think a non W/T fan would quite accurately use the word "obsessive."
Part 8 - Last Gifts will be posted tonight or tomorrow morning I would think though I may delay it a touch as I want that one to be just right - it has a slight personal connection that I want to be perfectly integrated into the W/T story (well they say write what you know...) and it also delves back into Tara's family history whilst advancing the story.
As for the future I may have to slow the posts down a touch (been going at one a day for a while now) simply so I can make time to complete and redraft Part 12 (having recently rewatched Superstar which I had totally ignored before due to the "false reality" though the W/T stuff cannot be ignored) which I have recently inserted into the cycle. So don't worry if any posts are a bit slower appearing - you have been spoilt so far! (though Ruth's Laid to Rest is putting me to shame and is freshly written!)
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited August 21, 2001).]
IP: Logged
posted August 21, 2001 01:16 Can you say plunging Xita...? Definitely a plunge rather than a fall.And Forrister, I have been thinking far too much about all this! I think a non W/T fan would quite accurately use the word "obsessive."
Part 8 - Last Gifts will be posted tonight or tomorrow morning I would think though I may delay it a touch as I want that one to be just right - it has a slight personal connection that I want to be perfectly integrated into the W/T story (well they say write what you know...) and it also delves back into Tara's family history whilst advancing the story.
As for the future I may have to slow the posts down a touch (been going at one a day for a while now) simply so I can make time to complete and redraft Part 12 (having recently rewatched Superstar which I had totally ignored before due to the "false reality" though the W/T stuff cannot be ignored) which I have recently inserted into the cycle. So don't worry if any posts are a bit slower appearing - you have been spoilt so far! (though Ruth's Laid to Rest is putting me to shame and is freshly written!)
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited August 21, 2001).]
IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 posted August 21, 2001 17:10
Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Last Gifts (Currently Part 8)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Absolutely, just keep it constructive as everyone has so far – katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Summary: After “Late” and prior to “A New Definition of Us” in this cycle – between Season 4 Episodes “An New Man” and “The I in Team.” This story is purely a look at Tara’s thoughts, lying awake in bed…and perhaps more importantly alone in that bed. Earlier stories hinted at what she might have started to feel for Willow. This is her realisation of exactly what those feelings are.
Spoiler Warning: Limited Spoilers for anything up to and including “The I in Team” Reference also to some facts learnt in later episodes given the ongoing theme of Tara’s belief in her “demon” heritage.
Disclaimer: This may shock you but I don’t own any aspect of BTVS, or the characters herein. All rights reside with the copyright and trademark owners, writers and producers of the show. Nor am I making any profit out of this story or others in the cycle. In fact I am not making much profit out of anything!
Rating: PG13
Couples: Well one of them is there….give me a chance.
Notes: I don’t recall the manner of the death of Tara’s mother ever being specified so I took liberties as you will see below which may (and knowing my luck will) be contradicted in later episodes – here’s hoping. I once had a similar dream to this. That made me realise just how I felt for someone credited below… so more than the usual this is the sum of my experiences. I would advise reading this twice (so says my beta reader!) to get the crossover points clear. This is a story based on the memory of a dream. As such the characters in that memory jump around and it may not be clear first time round. You’ll see what I mean.
Thanks To: The usual suspects (i.e. the cast, producers etc) but more personally to the kitties at the Kitten, Witches and Bad Wardrobe Board / Different Coloured Pens who seem to be reading this stuff and appreciating it. Also thanks to Halcyon for the note – I’m sure you’ll see what I meant in my reply when you read this.
I think it might be nostalgia at work with people having a positive view of this cycle – everyone else has been there, done this story and moved on to their own creations for W/T. So I’m behind the times…I live in the past. Here’s to the future. And last as always most of all to L – who not even a Buffy Fan beta read this - she’s my always. The Beginnings Cycle
Last Gifts
By
Katharyn Rosser
‘But I love you!’ Tara jolted herself out of her dream with those words, spoken – no shouted – aloud. The dream had terrified her. Again. A dream in which she was powerless to act. Incapable of resolving the situation. Helpless. In which Willow had died.
It had ended with that shout of terror as the young woman, strangely appearing exactly as she had when she was in this room earlier that night, had slipped away from her – the hand that Tara had held becoming lifeless – the eye’s lacking the sparkle that had made Willow, well Willow. Leaving a husk, a shell in the hospital bed. A hospital back home. One she had visited many times, but not the one time she should have.
Where her mother had died.
She had dreamt often of that day in her life. Begged her mother not to go, not to leave them. Not to give up. To fight for her life and for her family. A dream that had never been reality because she had not been there…at the end…when she had gone. She’d been forbidden to go by a father who wanted to spare her that pain. And every day since then Tara had known that maybe, just maybe, her mother could have been made to fight. If only I had been there and had a chance to speak to her before… she went. In sparing her the pain her Father had forbidden her the chance to make it different. Or the chance, if she had failed, to say good-bye. To let go. And so she was haunted.
For Willow to be in that dream, to take her mother’s place… it was unnerving. At first because she didn’t want anyone else to take her mother’s place there. That dream was her penance. The price she paid for not having insisted, for not having fought her Father and forced him to take her to the hospital. She had never really argued with him in her life. He had been the unbending authority figure. And he had always been right – to her at least. So she had not argued. She should have then though. Her brothers could have cared for themselves for those few hours - they were more than old enough. She had needed to be there and liked to think that her mother had needed her there too. That she might have made things different. The problem with that being… that she hadn’t been there. And that was what made it so disturbing.
And the second thing…she had been absolutely certain, in that dream state, that it was Willow that was lying there. It wasn’t like a usual dream where you think it is a certain person – even though they were different in some ways. This was Willow and she was in pain. She was dying. And she too wouldn’t stay – even when Tara asked her to. She too would not fight. And all because I couldn’t say the right words. I couldn’t convince her to stay because I couldn’t give her a reason to fight. I couldn’t say it. That final agonised shout had been at an unhearing corpse. The dream Willow had never known. The life had already faded. Her chance had gone again. To save Willow this time. I was too late in telling her. That was the thought that bounced around her brain. Even now, minutes later the dream was still a dislocated part of her reality. She knew Willow was sleeping in her own room. But she also knew that she was lying, cooling to room temperature, on that hospital bed back home. And she felt the grief. The self-loathing associated with her failure and lack of courage.
If she had told her sooner. If Willow had been given something to fight for she might have stayed. Her father had let her go. He saw an end to her pain and he embraced it. It had been a long painful journey for her. Whilst Tara had devoted herself to maintaining the house and looking after her brothers he had devoted himself to her mother. It was only during that time that Tara had realised just how much he had loved her and she him. Despite what she was he truly, deeply loved her with a purity that was almost mythic. The stuff of fiction and legend. He loved her so much that he could not want her to stay – let alone ask her to, because she wanted to go. And he couldn’t deny her anything. She couldn’t bring herself to stay even for her children. And Tara had never asked her to. She didn’t know who she despised most for that. He had loved Willow. No he had loved her mother. It was so confusing. So who loved Willow?
That would be me?
In her mind’s eye two images she had never truly seen were still merging, splitting, coming together and existing simultaneously. The most important person in her life until she had come here to Sunnydale. And the most important person in her life today. And Tara knew in that flash of confusion that right then she loved them both. But one was gone beyond the veil. There was only one chance left.
The jolt of that realisation brought her out of the post-dream state to lie there fully awake. Her heart pounding as if she had been running, sweat soaking her sheets, her breath coming in sharp rasps. Clarity was a terrible thing when it was dumped upon you.
For so long now Tara knew she had loved, hated and sympathised with her mother in almost equal measure. She resented the fact that she had gone. She had so clearly given up. Not on her, or on her father but on life. When her father had embraced her before he left for the hospital that final day he had almost said as much. He knew that his wife had reached the end – not of her physical endurance, though she had always been a frail woman - but of her strength. Her real strength. Her willpower had been eaten away as surely had her body. She couldn’t face life. And Tara hadn’t wanted to face life without her. She was always there. Always. And she was the only person who shared Tara’s fate. The person who had loved Tara most despite that. If she had known. If she had known that I needed her too, thought Tara. That someone wasn’t willing to let her go, would she have let the doctors try and mend her ravaged body? Perhaps. They might still have failed but we should have tried. She and I. But I was too late.
Always too late. That was how the dream went. Always too late.
And Willow’s presence in her dream. Their hands clasped at the end as had become their private code. That clasp the same as she had always dreamt of holding her mother’s hand at the end – but never actually done. Had she held Willow’s hand like that the first time because of her dream? Or was she dreaming it because of how she had held Willow’s hand? Where did reality begin? And end? What did that say that she couldn’t tell?
That I might be too late again? That I should do something? Anything? That doing something is always better than doing nothing? That I should admit, to myself at least what I should already know? That I am falling in love? With Willow?
No that wasn’t the truth. She wasn’t falling in love at all. She had already plunged through the fall and hit the ground…hard. She already loved that young woman. It wasn’t the after effect of the dream, not some hallucination. It was a reality she had resisted, hard, cold and as unyielding as concrete. She had known something was happening for some time. That she was falling…but the fall was without sensation. But now she was at rest, having thudded to a halt on a floor of realisation. Knowing in her heart that it was, in fact, no longer her own. That she wanted to give it – and herself - away. She wanted her heart to belong to another once more. To Willow.
But the trouble was it never could. Willow was her friend and that had been enough for her. That had given her something to stay here for. A reason to resist the persuasions of her family. To not return home before she had to. To stay here and know something other than the life she would have to return to next year…when she turned 20. Her mother’s life. But without the compensations of having a love like her father in her life - that had supported her mother. Of being loved genuinely and unconditionally. I will be so alone – she knew that - and once that had seemed an attractive alternative to having the wrong “kind of person” placed in her life. Even if she did meet… someone who was right… they could never return home with her. Even if they wanted to. Even if they wanted me, she admitted to herself, when they found out what I am. But now, admitting how she felt, loneliness was not something she could tolerate, and with Willow as her friend she was not lonely. But more than that…?
And another “but” - Willow was not… not like she was. She was still grieving for the loss of her love. A man. Oz in fact. Tara knew Willow’s thoughts were still full of him – even if her words were not. And the way Willow said the name – even when she was almost cursing it. That was not going to change just because Tara wanted it to. Willow was just wired differently… or rather Tara was. She knew Willow liked her – finally realised that after so many doubts that she was truly a friend . There was though a wide gap between that and… anything else. A gap that could never be bridged from one side… For Willow even to suspect that Tara had lost her heart to her might be filled with badness. The sure knowledge might disgust her. She was sure that, in principle and any normal situation, Willow was not a person who would ever judge someone else’s sexuality and lifestyle - it was a totally different thing to have that lifestyle pushed into your face… and to even mention this truth to Willow would be to force the issue on her. Let alone to issue an invitation to it. No matter how open minded a person was that sort of knowledge had to affect the way they treated you – it would for anyone. Gay or straight or anything in between. To know that a person loved you was to force a decision. And that way led to judgement. A judgement that I will not like.
And why would she even look at me that way? Aside from the fact that I am entirely the wrong sex… I’m not exactly dish of the day either. Not compared to what that flame haired goddess saw every morning in the mirror. She was so beautiful. Something else that she had never admitted to herself before. Tara was a gay girl…but she had never allowed herself to admit to anything other than the basic physical attractiveness of Willow before – just as she might think about anyone else. Now though she could think it at least. Willow was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. Whilst I am just awkward, plain at best, and have a stammer that could sink a battleship. What am I compared to her? Nothing at all.
And that was the least of Willow’s attributes – her physical beauty. Tara’s life, like everyone else’s had been filled with people – and aside from her family – rarely had many even been bothered to do more than tolerate her. Those who liked her – few and far between indeed. She knew that Willow had encountered similar problems but that should never have been. Willow was, she knew, the kindest person she had met…even more so than my mother she was ashamed to admit…the warmest. A complicated personality to be sure. Easily and too often bruised…but devoted. To her friends. To things she need never have gotten involved in. The future of the world. The cause of good in that world. And so strong. Sometimes a strength aroused to anger that did her few favours. But a strength. A strength that was often, even Tara had seen, lacking in her own cause and defence, giving her a strange vulnerability – but for others, already including Tara, the reason that they could continue.
A person who would never intentionally hurt her. Tara knew that. But she was also sure that revealing her feelings would estrange them. Create a distance between them that would never truly be bridged – even just to return to how they were now as friends. Willow would forever see the person who wanted to love her. Not a friend. And even more than she knew now that she wanted to be able to freely love Willow she knew that to feel that distance open between them because talking about that wacky thing called love would be intolerable. Silence was the only option. On that topic at least.
How could Willow, knowing that Tara loved her and was probably thus physically attracted to her as well ever share a bed with her again – without feeling that she was giving a come on to her? Encouraging Tara? She couldn’t. When Willow had stayed over that late night – and all those times subsequently - Tara had rejoiced at her very presence. She was not alone those nights and she had always been alone. There had been someone else she had…loved, but even she – so long ago – had never shared a night with Tara beyond that disastrous first kiss. There was nothing that had interrupted her physical solitude, not till Willow stayed. It was not romantic. It was certainly not sexual. It was just the presence. The warmth of another human being or rather a human being – not another. A human being I happen to love though. With whom the loneliness goes away.
And how long could it last? A year? Not even that. Come her 20th birthday she would be going home…and what would she say then if she were with Willow? Sorry honey I never mentioned I’m a demon. Bye? No, she had seen what happened to Willow when she was abandoned. She could not do that to her…even if she needed Willow. And she couldn’t tell her. Not about her heritage. To ask Willow to accept that she was gay….that she loved her…and in her dreams she wanted to be loved back… and then I’m a demon. And if by some miracle you can accept that then I have to leave you. Forever. A bridge too far…
The truth was inescapable though.
I love Willow Rosenberg.
The thought was not anathema to her brain. What she had already known deep inside her had been pulled to the surface of her thoughts – where she could recognise it. Thank you mother. Thank you for that last gift.
-----------
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
IP: Logged
tommo
Lesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 21, 2001 17:28
Wow, so very deep into Tara's thoughts there. I like how you link in her past with what she feels for Willow. I really wanted to explore that too, the way she feels with her past experiences. This is good stuff; a nice balance between what we know and what you as a writer have created for us.------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity IP: Logged |
WyrdOne
Floating Rose
Posts: 38
Registered: May 2001 | posted August 21, 2001 18:09
Wow. It's just scary how much I can relate to Tara's situation in that part. Katharyn, you wrote that so well. The situation, Tara's fears about telling Willow...wow. Just perfect. ------------------
~Meredith~
"All worlds intertwine, and all needs meet somewhere in time."
"Sanity isn't all it's cracked up to be."
IP: Logged |
xita
Ms. Moderator
Fantastico
Posts: 5761
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 21, 2001 23:26
Oh, God this is so good. Tara's deep feelings awakened so she can feel again. And she is so passionate. I can't wait for the next part.IP: Logged |
Rane
Big Pineapple
Posts: 975
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 00:12
ok, i need to stop reading this cause if it'll take you a while to post more i'll just go insane. i've just read through them all and i love these kinds of fic, early ones. these are great. you can totally tell you're a brit of some kind with the language and it makes me giggle. i've even begun writing *whilst* in real life. but that's off topic. carry on. IP: Logged |
Zahir
Gay Now!
Posts: 1238
Registered: Nov 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 00:13
The warmth of another human being or rather a human being – not another. A human being I happen to love though. With whom the loneliness goes away. Methinks this might be as good a definition of Love as has ever been written. Congratulations. ------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam [This message has been edited by Zahir (edited August 22, 2001).] IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 00:53
Aaah I had this great reply written and my ISP cut me off and I lost it all!Thanks to one and all for the above comments. You may not believe it given what you have been kind enough to put, but this was a part I was quite worried about. I have had that dream (with slight differences) and I was afraid that this would be so intensely personal that it would detract from the cycle as presented so far. Guess I was wrong, thanks everyone. Now how to follow that one... As I mentioned I was planning to slow down slightly in posting the parts already written to allow time to get part 12 ready, but now I find that my exisiting part 9 is a step too far from this one without something in between. I am therefore going to create a new part nine. If that works then I will post within a couple of days, if not then back to the old part nine, slightly modified. Essentially the problem is this in the exisiting part 9 Willow is also ready to start making a decision on her relationship with Tara, or at least to think about that. Trouble is I haven't even set her up as noticing Tara as anything but a friend. (The existing Part 9 is set during "The I in Team") That just seems a leap too far for me.
Hope that shows why you may have to wait a couple of days Rane! (BTW your right I am a Brit, why use one word when five will do? BUt the worst thing is, I can't write Giles well at all!!)
Thanks again everyone Katharyn ------------------
She's my always IP: Logged |
xita
Ms. Moderator
Fantastico
Posts: 5761
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 01:36
Oh yes, please write part 8B, there needs to be some nice Willow thought where she realizes how she feels! Please IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 13:51
Your wish is my command Miss Moderator Fantastico. Well underway, hoping to compete first draft tonight,redraft tomorrow morning and evening and hopefully posting later tomorrow night or Friday morning...got to keep the momentum going!Katharyn ------------------
She's my always IP: Logged |
tommo
Lesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 14:47
Katharyn, I wouldn't worry when it comes to writing Giles. Just remember, he's anal at the best of times and he doesn't use contractions. Although, somebody wrote me feedback saying I'd written him as an American. Pah. You simply cannot slow down with this. I need to read some vicarious smoochies, please. ------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity IP: Logged |
Forrister
Willowhand
Posts: 413
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 15:18
"But my heart lies with her altogether
Though I live not where I love"(From an Elizabethan love poem) Isn't love grand. (Sigh!?!) IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 16:11
Not everyone writes as fast as you Ruth, least not with the same quality! Giles... not an issue, I am concentrating on our girls! As for vicarious smoochies then that has to wait a little bit yet. I move slowly though this period but I think you will like what will now be part 10...vicarious hand holding enough for now? Working up to smoochies (and more) in short order. (Put it this way Part 18 is New Moon Rising after the fade out, though even that one is not all smoochies...)Part 8B - to be released as the spanking new Part 9 is now complete in first draft form. Very raw and not saying everything I I want it to, or how right now. But it is a place to start. So I am on course for a Friday morning posting maybe even Thursday night (GMT) but I suspect my (much) better half would object to me spending more time on this tonight, she gets so jealous when I play with W&T (not a fan!! Heathen...) Besides I am too close to it now to be objective with the redrafting.
So once again thanks to all for the feedback, this one won't be half as good as people seem to think 8 was as I have not stood in Willow's shoes, but you all gave me a ready made excuse by rushing me so that should be ok Katharyn ------------------
She's my always [This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited August 22, 2001).] IP: Logged |
tommo
Lesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 16:54
quote:
Originally posted by Katharyn:
Not everyone writes as fast as you Ruth, least not with the same quality!
That's debatable. I read what you say about redrafting and I know you're right. I should leave it at least a day in between writing and proofreading, but somehow, I'm as excited to post as I think people are to read it. All in all, I suggest you say to hell with proofreading and redrafting and get your bloody chapters online as soon as you can, heh heh. I'm anxiously awaiting more. ------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity IP: Logged |
posted August 21, 2001 17:10 Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Last Gifts (Currently Part 8)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Absolutely, just keep it constructive as everyone has so far – katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Summary: After “Late” and prior to “A New Definition of Us” in this cycle – between Season 4 Episodes “An New Man” and “The I in Team.” This story is purely a look at Tara’s thoughts, lying awake in bed…and perhaps more importantly alone in that bed. Earlier stories hinted at what she might have started to feel for Willow. This is her realisation of exactly what those feelings are.
Spoiler Warning: Limited Spoilers for anything up to and including “The I in Team” Reference also to some facts learnt in later episodes given the ongoing theme of Tara’s belief in her “demon” heritage.
Disclaimer: This may shock you but I don’t own any aspect of BTVS, or the characters herein. All rights reside with the copyright and trademark owners, writers and producers of the show. Nor am I making any profit out of this story or others in the cycle. In fact I am not making much profit out of anything!
Rating: PG13
Couples: Well one of them is there….give me a chance.
Notes: I don’t recall the manner of the death of Tara’s mother ever being specified so I took liberties as you will see below which may (and knowing my luck will) be contradicted in later episodes – here’s hoping. I once had a similar dream to this. That made me realise just how I felt for someone credited below… so more than the usual this is the sum of my experiences. I would advise reading this twice (so says my beta reader!) to get the crossover points clear. This is a story based on the memory of a dream. As such the characters in that memory jump around and it may not be clear first time round. You’ll see what I mean.
Thanks To: The usual suspects (i.e. the cast, producers etc) but more personally to the kitties at the Kitten, Witches and Bad Wardrobe Board / Different Coloured Pens who seem to be reading this stuff and appreciating it. Also thanks to Halcyon for the note – I’m sure you’ll see what I meant in my reply when you read this.
I think it might be nostalgia at work with people having a positive view of this cycle – everyone else has been there, done this story and moved on to their own creations for W/T. So I’m behind the times…I live in the past. Here’s to the future. And last as always most of all to L – who not even a Buffy Fan beta read this - she’s my always. The Beginnings Cycle
Last Gifts
By
Katharyn Rosser
‘But I love you!’ Tara jolted herself out of her dream with those words, spoken – no shouted – aloud. The dream had terrified her. Again. A dream in which she was powerless to act. Incapable of resolving the situation. Helpless. In which Willow had died.
It had ended with that shout of terror as the young woman, strangely appearing exactly as she had when she was in this room earlier that night, had slipped away from her – the hand that Tara had held becoming lifeless – the eye’s lacking the sparkle that had made Willow, well Willow. Leaving a husk, a shell in the hospital bed. A hospital back home. One she had visited many times, but not the one time she should have.
Where her mother had died.
She had dreamt often of that day in her life. Begged her mother not to go, not to leave them. Not to give up. To fight for her life and for her family. A dream that had never been reality because she had not been there…at the end…when she had gone. She’d been forbidden to go by a father who wanted to spare her that pain. And every day since then Tara had known that maybe, just maybe, her mother could have been made to fight. If only I had been there and had a chance to speak to her before… she went. In sparing her the pain her Father had forbidden her the chance to make it different. Or the chance, if she had failed, to say good-bye. To let go. And so she was haunted.
For Willow to be in that dream, to take her mother’s place… it was unnerving. At first because she didn’t want anyone else to take her mother’s place there. That dream was her penance. The price she paid for not having insisted, for not having fought her Father and forced him to take her to the hospital. She had never really argued with him in her life. He had been the unbending authority figure. And he had always been right – to her at least. So she had not argued. She should have then though. Her brothers could have cared for themselves for those few hours - they were more than old enough. She had needed to be there and liked to think that her mother had needed her there too. That she might have made things different. The problem with that being… that she hadn’t been there. And that was what made it so disturbing.
And the second thing…she had been absolutely certain, in that dream state, that it was Willow that was lying there. It wasn’t like a usual dream where you think it is a certain person – even though they were different in some ways. This was Willow and she was in pain. She was dying. And she too wouldn’t stay – even when Tara asked her to. She too would not fight. And all because I couldn’t say the right words. I couldn’t convince her to stay because I couldn’t give her a reason to fight. I couldn’t say it. That final agonised shout had been at an unhearing corpse. The dream Willow had never known. The life had already faded. Her chance had gone again. To save Willow this time. I was too late in telling her. That was the thought that bounced around her brain. Even now, minutes later the dream was still a dislocated part of her reality. She knew Willow was sleeping in her own room. But she also knew that she was lying, cooling to room temperature, on that hospital bed back home. And she felt the grief. The self-loathing associated with her failure and lack of courage.
If she had told her sooner. If Willow had been given something to fight for she might have stayed. Her father had let her go. He saw an end to her pain and he embraced it. It had been a long painful journey for her. Whilst Tara had devoted herself to maintaining the house and looking after her brothers he had devoted himself to her mother. It was only during that time that Tara had realised just how much he had loved her and she him. Despite what she was he truly, deeply loved her with a purity that was almost mythic. The stuff of fiction and legend. He loved her so much that he could not want her to stay – let alone ask her to, because she wanted to go. And he couldn’t deny her anything. She couldn’t bring herself to stay even for her children. And Tara had never asked her to. She didn’t know who she despised most for that. He had loved Willow. No he had loved her mother. It was so confusing. So who loved Willow?
That would be me?
In her mind’s eye two images she had never truly seen were still merging, splitting, coming together and existing simultaneously. The most important person in her life until she had come here to Sunnydale. And the most important person in her life today. And Tara knew in that flash of confusion that right then she loved them both. But one was gone beyond the veil. There was only one chance left.
The jolt of that realisation brought her out of the post-dream state to lie there fully awake. Her heart pounding as if she had been running, sweat soaking her sheets, her breath coming in sharp rasps. Clarity was a terrible thing when it was dumped upon you.
For so long now Tara knew she had loved, hated and sympathised with her mother in almost equal measure. She resented the fact that she had gone. She had so clearly given up. Not on her, or on her father but on life. When her father had embraced her before he left for the hospital that final day he had almost said as much. He knew that his wife had reached the end – not of her physical endurance, though she had always been a frail woman - but of her strength. Her real strength. Her willpower had been eaten away as surely had her body. She couldn’t face life. And Tara hadn’t wanted to face life without her. She was always there. Always. And she was the only person who shared Tara’s fate. The person who had loved Tara most despite that. If she had known. If she had known that I needed her too, thought Tara. That someone wasn’t willing to let her go, would she have let the doctors try and mend her ravaged body? Perhaps. They might still have failed but we should have tried. She and I. But I was too late.
Always too late. That was how the dream went. Always too late.
And Willow’s presence in her dream. Their hands clasped at the end as had become their private code. That clasp the same as she had always dreamt of holding her mother’s hand at the end – but never actually done. Had she held Willow’s hand like that the first time because of her dream? Or was she dreaming it because of how she had held Willow’s hand? Where did reality begin? And end? What did that say that she couldn’t tell?
That I might be too late again? That I should do something? Anything? That doing something is always better than doing nothing? That I should admit, to myself at least what I should already know? That I am falling in love? With Willow?
No that wasn’t the truth. She wasn’t falling in love at all. She had already plunged through the fall and hit the ground…hard. She already loved that young woman. It wasn’t the after effect of the dream, not some hallucination. It was a reality she had resisted, hard, cold and as unyielding as concrete. She had known something was happening for some time. That she was falling…but the fall was without sensation. But now she was at rest, having thudded to a halt on a floor of realisation. Knowing in her heart that it was, in fact, no longer her own. That she wanted to give it – and herself - away. She wanted her heart to belong to another once more. To Willow.
But the trouble was it never could. Willow was her friend and that had been enough for her. That had given her something to stay here for. A reason to resist the persuasions of her family. To not return home before she had to. To stay here and know something other than the life she would have to return to next year…when she turned 20. Her mother’s life. But without the compensations of having a love like her father in her life - that had supported her mother. Of being loved genuinely and unconditionally. I will be so alone – she knew that - and once that had seemed an attractive alternative to having the wrong “kind of person” placed in her life. Even if she did meet… someone who was right… they could never return home with her. Even if they wanted to. Even if they wanted me, she admitted to herself, when they found out what I am. But now, admitting how she felt, loneliness was not something she could tolerate, and with Willow as her friend she was not lonely. But more than that…?
And another “but” - Willow was not… not like she was. She was still grieving for the loss of her love. A man. Oz in fact. Tara knew Willow’s thoughts were still full of him – even if her words were not. And the way Willow said the name – even when she was almost cursing it. That was not going to change just because Tara wanted it to. Willow was just wired differently… or rather Tara was. She knew Willow liked her – finally realised that after so many doubts that she was truly a friend . There was though a wide gap between that and… anything else. A gap that could never be bridged from one side… For Willow even to suspect that Tara had lost her heart to her might be filled with badness. The sure knowledge might disgust her. She was sure that, in principle and any normal situation, Willow was not a person who would ever judge someone else’s sexuality and lifestyle - it was a totally different thing to have that lifestyle pushed into your face… and to even mention this truth to Willow would be to force the issue on her. Let alone to issue an invitation to it. No matter how open minded a person was that sort of knowledge had to affect the way they treated you – it would for anyone. Gay or straight or anything in between. To know that a person loved you was to force a decision. And that way led to judgement. A judgement that I will not like.
And why would she even look at me that way? Aside from the fact that I am entirely the wrong sex… I’m not exactly dish of the day either. Not compared to what that flame haired goddess saw every morning in the mirror. She was so beautiful. Something else that she had never admitted to herself before. Tara was a gay girl…but she had never allowed herself to admit to anything other than the basic physical attractiveness of Willow before – just as she might think about anyone else. Now though she could think it at least. Willow was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen. Whilst I am just awkward, plain at best, and have a stammer that could sink a battleship. What am I compared to her? Nothing at all.
And that was the least of Willow’s attributes – her physical beauty. Tara’s life, like everyone else’s had been filled with people – and aside from her family – rarely had many even been bothered to do more than tolerate her. Those who liked her – few and far between indeed. She knew that Willow had encountered similar problems but that should never have been. Willow was, she knew, the kindest person she had met…even more so than my mother she was ashamed to admit…the warmest. A complicated personality to be sure. Easily and too often bruised…but devoted. To her friends. To things she need never have gotten involved in. The future of the world. The cause of good in that world. And so strong. Sometimes a strength aroused to anger that did her few favours. But a strength. A strength that was often, even Tara had seen, lacking in her own cause and defence, giving her a strange vulnerability – but for others, already including Tara, the reason that they could continue.
A person who would never intentionally hurt her. Tara knew that. But she was also sure that revealing her feelings would estrange them. Create a distance between them that would never truly be bridged – even just to return to how they were now as friends. Willow would forever see the person who wanted to love her. Not a friend. And even more than she knew now that she wanted to be able to freely love Willow she knew that to feel that distance open between them because talking about that wacky thing called love would be intolerable. Silence was the only option. On that topic at least.
How could Willow, knowing that Tara loved her and was probably thus physically attracted to her as well ever share a bed with her again – without feeling that she was giving a come on to her? Encouraging Tara? She couldn’t. When Willow had stayed over that late night – and all those times subsequently - Tara had rejoiced at her very presence. She was not alone those nights and she had always been alone. There had been someone else she had…loved, but even she – so long ago – had never shared a night with Tara beyond that disastrous first kiss. There was nothing that had interrupted her physical solitude, not till Willow stayed. It was not romantic. It was certainly not sexual. It was just the presence. The warmth of another human being or rather a human being – not another. A human being I happen to love though. With whom the loneliness goes away.
And how long could it last? A year? Not even that. Come her 20th birthday she would be going home…and what would she say then if she were with Willow? Sorry honey I never mentioned I’m a demon. Bye? No, she had seen what happened to Willow when she was abandoned. She could not do that to her…even if she needed Willow. And she couldn’t tell her. Not about her heritage. To ask Willow to accept that she was gay….that she loved her…and in her dreams she wanted to be loved back… and then I’m a demon. And if by some miracle you can accept that then I have to leave you. Forever. A bridge too far…
The truth was inescapable though.
I love Willow Rosenberg.
The thought was not anathema to her brain. What she had already known deep inside her had been pulled to the surface of her thoughts – where she could recognise it. Thank you mother. Thank you for that last gift.
-----------
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
IP: Logged
tommo
Lesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 21, 2001 17:28
Wow, so very deep into Tara's thoughts there. I like how you link in her past with what she feels for Willow. I really wanted to explore that too, the way she feels with her past experiences. This is good stuff; a nice balance between what we know and what you as a writer have created for us.------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity IP: Logged |
WyrdOne
Floating Rose
Posts: 38
Registered: May 2001 | posted August 21, 2001 18:09
Wow. It's just scary how much I can relate to Tara's situation in that part. Katharyn, you wrote that so well. The situation, Tara's fears about telling Willow...wow. Just perfect. ------------------
~Meredith~
"All worlds intertwine, and all needs meet somewhere in time."
"Sanity isn't all it's cracked up to be."
IP: Logged |
xita
Ms. Moderator
Fantastico
Posts: 5761
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 21, 2001 23:26
Oh, God this is so good. Tara's deep feelings awakened so she can feel again. And she is so passionate. I can't wait for the next part.IP: Logged |
Rane
Big Pineapple
Posts: 975
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 00:12
ok, i need to stop reading this cause if it'll take you a while to post more i'll just go insane. i've just read through them all and i love these kinds of fic, early ones. these are great. you can totally tell you're a brit of some kind with the language and it makes me giggle. i've even begun writing *whilst* in real life. but that's off topic. carry on. IP: Logged |
Zahir
Gay Now!
Posts: 1238
Registered: Nov 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 00:13
The warmth of another human being or rather a human being – not another. A human being I happen to love though. With whom the loneliness goes away. Methinks this might be as good a definition of Love as has ever been written. Congratulations. ------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam [This message has been edited by Zahir (edited August 22, 2001).] IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 00:53
Aaah I had this great reply written and my ISP cut me off and I lost it all!Thanks to one and all for the above comments. You may not believe it given what you have been kind enough to put, but this was a part I was quite worried about. I have had that dream (with slight differences) and I was afraid that this would be so intensely personal that it would detract from the cycle as presented so far. Guess I was wrong, thanks everyone. Now how to follow that one... As I mentioned I was planning to slow down slightly in posting the parts already written to allow time to get part 12 ready, but now I find that my exisiting part 9 is a step too far from this one without something in between. I am therefore going to create a new part nine. If that works then I will post within a couple of days, if not then back to the old part nine, slightly modified. Essentially the problem is this in the exisiting part 9 Willow is also ready to start making a decision on her relationship with Tara, or at least to think about that. Trouble is I haven't even set her up as noticing Tara as anything but a friend. (The existing Part 9 is set during "The I in Team") That just seems a leap too far for me.
Hope that shows why you may have to wait a couple of days Rane! (BTW your right I am a Brit, why use one word when five will do? BUt the worst thing is, I can't write Giles well at all!!)
Thanks again everyone Katharyn ------------------
She's my always IP: Logged |
xita
Ms. Moderator
Fantastico
Posts: 5761
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 01:36
Oh yes, please write part 8B, there needs to be some nice Willow thought where she realizes how she feels! Please IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 13:51
Your wish is my command Miss Moderator Fantastico. Well underway, hoping to compete first draft tonight,redraft tomorrow morning and evening and hopefully posting later tomorrow night or Friday morning...got to keep the momentum going!Katharyn ------------------
She's my always IP: Logged |
tommo
Lesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 14:47
Katharyn, I wouldn't worry when it comes to writing Giles. Just remember, he's anal at the best of times and he doesn't use contractions. Although, somebody wrote me feedback saying I'd written him as an American. Pah. You simply cannot slow down with this. I need to read some vicarious smoochies, please. ------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity IP: Logged |
Forrister
Willowhand
Posts: 413
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 15:18
"But my heart lies with her altogether
Though I live not where I love"(From an Elizabethan love poem) Isn't love grand. (Sigh!?!) IP: Logged |
Katharyn
Sassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 | posted August 22, 2001 16:11
Not everyone writes as fast as you Ruth, least not with the same quality! Giles... not an issue, I am concentrating on our girls! As for vicarious smoochies then that has to wait a little bit yet. I move slowly though this period but I think you will like what will now be part 10...vicarious hand holding enough for now? Working up to smoochies (and more) in short order. (Put it this way Part 18 is New Moon Rising after the fade out, though even that one is not all smoochies...)Part 8B - to be released as the spanking new Part 9 is now complete in first draft form. Very raw and not saying everything I I want it to, or how right now. But it is a place to start. So I am on course for a Friday morning posting maybe even Thursday night (GMT) but I suspect my (much) better half would object to me spending more time on this tonight, she gets so jealous when I play with W&T (not a fan!! Heathen...) Besides I am too close to it now to be objective with the redrafting.
So once again thanks to all for the feedback, this one won't be half as good as people seem to think 8 was as I have not stood in Willow's shoes, but you all gave me a ready made excuse by rushing me so that should be ok Katharyn ------------------
She's my always [This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited August 22, 2001).] IP: Logged |
tommo
Lesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 | posted August 22, 2001 16:54
quote:
Originally posted by Katharyn:
Not everyone writes as fast as you Ruth, least not with the same quality!
That's debatable. I read what you say about redrafting and I know you're right. I should leave it at least a day in between writing and proofreading, but somehow, I'm as excited to post as I think people are to read it. All in all, I suggest you say to hell with proofreading and redrafting and get your bloody chapters online as soon as you can, heh heh. I'm anxiously awaiting more. ------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity IP: Logged |
IP: LoggedtommoLesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 posted August 21, 2001 17:28
Wow, so very deep into Tara's thoughts there. I like how you link in her past with what she feels for Willow. I really wanted to explore that too, the way she feels with her past experiences. This is good stuff; a nice balance between what we know and what you as a writer have created for us.------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: Logged
posted August 21, 2001 17:28 Wow, so very deep into Tara's thoughts there. I like how you link in her past with what she feels for Willow. I really wanted to explore that too, the way she feels with her past experiences. This is good stuff; a nice balance between what we know and what you as a writer have created for us.------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: LoggedWyrdOneFloating Rose
Posts: 38
Registered: May 2001 posted August 21, 2001 18:09
Wow. It's just scary how much I can relate to Tara's situation in that part. Katharyn, you wrote that so well. The situation, Tara's fears about telling Willow...wow. Just perfect. ------------------
~Meredith~
"All worlds intertwine, and all needs meet somewhere in time."
"Sanity isn't all it's cracked up to be."
IP: Logged
posted August 21, 2001 18:09 Wow. It's just scary how much I can relate to Tara's situation in that part. Katharyn, you wrote that so well. The situation, Tara's fears about telling Willow...wow. Just perfect. ------------------
~Meredith~
"All worlds intertwine, and all needs meet somewhere in time."
"Sanity isn't all it's cracked up to be."
IP: LoggedxitaMs. Moderator
Fantastico
Posts: 5761
Registered: Sep 2000Ms. Moderator
Fantastico posted August 21, 2001 23:26
Oh, God this is so good. Tara's deep feelings awakened so she can feel again. And she is so passionate. I can't wait for the next part.IP: Logged
posted August 21, 2001 23:26 Oh, God this is so good. Tara's deep feelings awakened so she can feel again. And she is so passionate. I can't wait for the next part.IP: LoggedRaneBig Pineapple
Posts: 975
Registered: Sep 2000 posted August 22, 2001 00:12
ok, i need to stop reading this cause if it'll take you a while to post more i'll just go insane. i've just read through them all and i love these kinds of fic, early ones. these are great. you can totally tell you're a brit of some kind with the language and it makes me giggle. i've even begun writing *whilst* in real life. but that's off topic.
carry on.
IP: Logged
posted August 22, 2001 00:12 ok, i need to stop reading this cause if it'll take you a while to post more i'll just go insane. i've just read through them all and i love these kinds of fic, early ones. these are great. you can totally tell you're a brit of some kind with the language and it makes me giggle. i've even begun writing *whilst* in real life. but that's off topic.
carry on.
IP: LoggedZahirGay Now!
Posts: 1238
Registered: Nov 2000 posted August 22, 2001 00:13
The warmth of another human being or rather a human being – not another. A human being I happen to love though. With whom the loneliness goes away.
Methinks this might be as good a definition of Love as has ever been written.
Congratulations.
------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
[This message has been edited by Zahir (edited August 22, 2001).]
IP: Logged
posted August 22, 2001 00:13 The warmth of another human being or rather a human being – not another. A human being I happen to love though. With whom the loneliness goes away.
Methinks this might be as good a definition of Love as has ever been written.
Congratulations.
------------------
"O let my name be in the Book of Love.
If it be there, I care not of
That other book Above...
Strike it out! Or write it in anew.
But let it be in the Book of Love!"
--Omar Kyam
[This message has been edited by Zahir (edited August 22, 2001).]
IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 posted August 22, 2001 00:53
Aaah I had this great reply written and my ISP cut me off and I lost it all!Thanks to one and all for the above comments. You may not believe it given what you have been kind enough to put, but this was a part I was quite worried about. I have had that dream (with slight differences) and I was afraid that this would be so intensely personal that it would detract from the cycle as presented so far. Guess I was wrong, thanks everyone.
Now how to follow that one... As I mentioned I was planning to slow down slightly in posting the parts already written to allow time to get part 12 ready, but now I find that my exisiting part 9 is a step too far from this one without something in between. I am therefore going to create a new part nine. If that works then I will post within a couple of days, if not then back to the old part nine, slightly modified. Essentially the problem is this in the exisiting part 9 Willow is also ready to start making a decision on her relationship with Tara, or at least to think about that. Trouble is I haven't even set her up as noticing Tara as anything but a friend. (The existing Part 9 is set during "The I in Team") That just seems a leap too far for me.
Hope that shows why you may have to wait a couple of days Rane! (BTW your right I am a Brit, why use one word when five will do? BUt the worst thing is, I can't write Giles well at all!!)
Thanks again everyone
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
IP: Logged
posted August 22, 2001 00:53 Aaah I had this great reply written and my ISP cut me off and I lost it all!Thanks to one and all for the above comments. You may not believe it given what you have been kind enough to put, but this was a part I was quite worried about. I have had that dream (with slight differences) and I was afraid that this would be so intensely personal that it would detract from the cycle as presented so far. Guess I was wrong, thanks everyone.
Now how to follow that one... As I mentioned I was planning to slow down slightly in posting the parts already written to allow time to get part 12 ready, but now I find that my exisiting part 9 is a step too far from this one without something in between. I am therefore going to create a new part nine. If that works then I will post within a couple of days, if not then back to the old part nine, slightly modified. Essentially the problem is this in the exisiting part 9 Willow is also ready to start making a decision on her relationship with Tara, or at least to think about that. Trouble is I haven't even set her up as noticing Tara as anything but a friend. (The existing Part 9 is set during "The I in Team") That just seems a leap too far for me.
Hope that shows why you may have to wait a couple of days Rane! (BTW your right I am a Brit, why use one word when five will do? BUt the worst thing is, I can't write Giles well at all!!)
Thanks again everyone
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
IP: LoggedxitaMs. Moderator
Fantastico
Posts: 5761
Registered: Sep 2000Ms. Moderator
Fantastico posted August 22, 2001 01:36
Oh yes, please write part 8B, there needs to be some nice Willow thought where she realizes how she feels! Please IP: Logged
posted August 22, 2001 01:36 Oh yes, please write part 8B, there needs to be some nice Willow thought where she realizes how she feels! Please IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 posted August 22, 2001 13:51
Your wish is my command Miss Moderator Fantastico. Well underway, hoping to compete first draft tonight,redraft tomorrow morning and evening and hopefully posting later tomorrow night or Friday morning...got to keep the momentum going!Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
IP: Logged
posted August 22, 2001 13:51 Your wish is my command Miss Moderator Fantastico. Well underway, hoping to compete first draft tonight,redraft tomorrow morning and evening and hopefully posting later tomorrow night or Friday morning...got to keep the momentum going!Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
IP: LoggedtommoLesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 posted August 22, 2001 14:47
Katharyn, I wouldn't worry when it comes to writing Giles. Just remember, he's anal at the best of times and he doesn't use contractions. Although, somebody wrote me feedback saying I'd written him as an American. Pah. You simply cannot slow down with this. I need to read some vicarious smoochies, please.
------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: Logged
posted August 22, 2001 14:47 Katharyn, I wouldn't worry when it comes to writing Giles. Just remember, he's anal at the best of times and he doesn't use contractions. Although, somebody wrote me feedback saying I'd written him as an American. Pah. You simply cannot slow down with this. I need to read some vicarious smoochies, please.
------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: LoggedForristerWillowhand
Posts: 413
Registered: Aug 2001 posted August 22, 2001 15:18
"But my heart lies with her altogether
Though I live not where I love"(From an Elizabethan love poem)
Isn't love grand. (Sigh!?!)
IP: Logged
posted August 22, 2001 15:18 "But my heart lies with her altogether
Though I live not where I love"(From an Elizabethan love poem)
Isn't love grand. (Sigh!?!)
IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs
Posts: 590
Registered: Aug 2001 posted August 22, 2001 16:11
Not everyone writes as fast as you Ruth, least not with the same quality! Giles... not an issue, I am concentrating on our girls! As for vicarious smoochies then that has to wait a little bit yet. I move slowly though this period but I think you will like what will now be part 10...vicarious hand holding enough for now? Working up to smoochies (and more) in short order. (Put it this way Part 18 is New Moon Rising after the fade out, though even that one is not all smoochies...)Part 8B - to be released as the spanking new Part 9 is now complete in first draft form. Very raw and not saying everything I I want it to, or how right now. But it is a place to start. So I am on course for a Friday morning posting maybe even Thursday night (GMT) but I suspect my (much) better half would object to me spending more time on this tonight, she gets so jealous when I play with W&T (not a fan!! Heathen...) Besides I am too close to it now to be objective with the redrafting.
So once again thanks to all for the feedback, this one won't be half as good as people seem to think 8 was as I have not stood in Willow's shoes, but you all gave me a ready made excuse by rushing me so that should be ok
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited August 22, 2001).]
IP: Logged
posted August 22, 2001 16:11 Not everyone writes as fast as you Ruth, least not with the same quality! Giles... not an issue, I am concentrating on our girls! As for vicarious smoochies then that has to wait a little bit yet. I move slowly though this period but I think you will like what will now be part 10...vicarious hand holding enough for now? Working up to smoochies (and more) in short order. (Put it this way Part 18 is New Moon Rising after the fade out, though even that one is not all smoochies...)Part 8B - to be released as the spanking new Part 9 is now complete in first draft form. Very raw and not saying everything I I want it to, or how right now. But it is a place to start. So I am on course for a Friday morning posting maybe even Thursday night (GMT) but I suspect my (much) better half would object to me spending more time on this tonight, she gets so jealous when I play with W&T (not a fan!! Heathen...) Besides I am too close to it now to be objective with the redrafting.
So once again thanks to all for the feedback, this one won't be half as good as people seem to think 8 was as I have not stood in Willow's shoes, but you all gave me a ready made excuse by rushing me so that should be ok
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited August 22, 2001).]
IP: LoggedtommoLesbian Gay Type Lover
Posts: 4748
Registered: Sep 2000 posted August 22, 2001 16:54
quote:
Originally posted by Katharyn:
Not everyone writes as fast as you Ruth, least not with the same quality!
That's debatable.
I read what you say about redrafting and I know you're right. I should leave it at least a day in between writing and proofreading, but somehow, I'm as excited to post as I think people are to read it.
All in all, I suggest you say to hell with proofreading and redrafting and get your bloody chapters online as soon as you can, heh heh. I'm anxiously awaiting more.
------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: Logged
posted August 22, 2001 16:54 quote:
Originally posted by Katharyn:
Not everyone writes as fast as you Ruth, least not with the same quality!
That's debatable.
I read what you say about redrafting and I know you're right. I should leave it at least a day in between writing and proofreading, but somehow, I'm as excited to post as I think people are to read it.
All in all, I suggest you say to hell with proofreading and redrafting and get your bloody chapters online as soon as you can, heh heh. I'm anxiously awaiting more.
------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
quote:
