okay, here's part III. things may slow down a little on the update front. I have to be very careful about how S7 and S4 are posted so there's no cross-fic spoilage.
angst warning about an 8 or maybe a 9. but, hey, it wouldn't be fic without angst
barnabas yes, dense buffy is a wonderful character. so much fun to play with
molly I love speechless Willow. it takes an apocalypse to shut both her brain and mouth down simultaneously and finding out Tara is gay (this way) is probably equivalent.
4wiccanluv yeah, we missed so much on the show although I think the Pens has proven that their early romance is better left to the fanfic experts
missquirky thank you, thank you. and yes, I believe Buffy's 'annoyingness' qualifies as an entirely separate character in the buffyverse. it's just that big.
jd for you, miss paper airplanes, anything
pikescoob sooner or later all will be good...
snuggle thanks. oh, they'll talk. well, Willow will talk a LOT
centauri our girls have to go through some pain to get what they want. I'm glad I got it right. phew!
willntlover 1500 on the SATs -- yeah, whatever. did SMG's agent strong-arm ME to make her character seem more intelligent? it's funny, a lot has been said about clueless buffy, but I always thought that in some ways Willow's incredible intelligence put her at a disadvantage when it came to common sense -- seeing the obvious. I think she has a tendency to overthink everything and become obssessed with details... thus, not seeing that Tara, one of her closest friends is obviously gay.
jewwitch thanks, yeah, I'm beginning to wonder if posting them at the some time was such a great idea (I'm working my butt off!). but I had to or they would spoil each other (you'll see). I'm glad you liked the Faith/Dawn crushiness. it always made me sick that Dawn had a crush on Xander. I mean....Xander???? come on. and I love the idea of Dawn becoming a mini-Faith instead of Baby Buffy. not that that's going to happen...
antigone it's a mutual gush party. if anyone hasn't read On Second Thought by Antigone you're missing out on an incredibly well-written S4 fic. not to mention one of the most original story ideas I've read in a long time. not that I'm jealous or anything
bigmac & amberbensontotallyrules it's coming, it's coming...
and now on with the fic... Part III
Okay, time for research girl. What’s the problem here? Well number one would be why do I care so much that Tara was on a date with a girl? Hmmm. Well maybe it’s that you’re homophobic? Willow’s forehead furrowed at her own internal suggestion. She liked to think she was open-minded. After all, her best friend had dated a vampire who tried to kill them all and her own doppelganger had been pretty, well, polysexual at least and that hadn’t wigged her out. Well, not that much anyway except for the licking her neck part and that only because of the confusing mix of arousal and disgust it elicited. So, we can rule out homophobic. Well, maybe it’s just that girl. Yeah, she seemed so haughty and all with the cooler-than-thou attitude and…. Okay Rosenburg you don’t even know Rachel. She could be totally perfect for Tara. No, that’s not possible because I’m perfect for Tara and there can’t be two people who are perfect for….
Willow froze in the middle of the quad. Her mind was overwhelmed by a sudden electrical storm of activity – a huge, earth-shattering epiphany – all of the resources of her powerful psyche focusing on one overwhelming realization: I’m in love with her. That’s what this is. I’m in love with that girl. That perfect shy, quiet, sweet beautiful girl. Tara.
And without a conscious thought she was running. She wasn’t even sure where she was running until she arrived out of breath at Tara’s dorm. It wasn’t until she was standing outside of Tara’s room, breathless and sweating that she began to have doubts. What if Rachel’s there? What if they’re…. And that brought images of the blonde witch kissing… kissing Willow. Tara’s soft lips moving over her own. Hands on her hips. And that turned the hallway into a furnace. Whoa, down girl. You don’t want to scare her to death. Just because you’re in love with her and she likes girls does not mean she’d be in love with a geek like you. But then her thoughts drifted back to the curve of the blonde’s breast under the tight blue shirt she was wearing earlier. Oh my god! Stop! Stop with the naughtiness already!
How did I not notice this before? God! Denial much?
Willow forced herself to take a series of cleansing breaths and tried to relax. What if she’s in there with Rachel? What if she doesn’t like me that way? Maybe I should just call her tomorrow. The redhead took a few steps away from Tara’s door and then clenched her fists.
"No! you’re gonna do this right now." Cause you’re never gonna be able to sleep again if you don’t.
Another deep breath and she took a step toward the door. Okay carpe diem …without all of the vampire nastiness this time.
She knocked but there was no response. Maybe she’s not back yet. Or maybe she’s at Rachel’s… She felt her entire body slump at the thought. She had just decided to go back to her room and map the entire confrontation out with charts and graphs when the door opened slightly.
"Willow?"
She felt a warm rush at the sound of her name on the other girl’s lips. The soft way she said it, like a love song. And then she realized that she had not responded.
"Hi Tara. Sorry I came by so late I just…" The door opened slightly and she looked at the floor in embarrassment. And then it hit her. That maybe Rachel was there. Why else would Tara not let her in immediately? She always had before. "…I can…I’m sorry. You’re probably busy with post-date whatever…. And, uh, I’ll just talk to you tomorrow." She waved weakly and began to walk away.
"Willow wait."
And she heard it then and knew before she even turned around. The break in Tara’s soft voice. She had been crying. Willow turned in one quick movement. The thought of Tara in pain made her desperate. Panicked.
"Tara are you okay? What happened? Are you hurt?"
The door was now open and Willow could see the blonde’s red-rimmed, swollen eyes.
"No, I’m okay Willow." Tara looked around the hall uncomfortably and then moved aside. "Do you want to come in?"
Willow put down a sudden fear that she would find Rachel in the room and walked past Tara. The room was dark, lit only by a few candles. And Rachel wasn’t there. But there was still the fact that Tara was crying. She put her hand on the blonde’s arm gently.
"Tara what’s wrong?"
But the blonde wouldn’t speak. Wouldn’t look at her.
"Did somebody hurt you?" A weak nod. Willow felt anger boiling up inside of her at the thought of someone, anyone hurting the vulnerable, perfect girl.
"Who?"
"You." And that seemed to pull all of the air out of the room. Tara moved away from her grip and walked across the room to sit down on the bed. "At the c-coffeehouse. The way you looked at me…like I was s-some kind of f-freak, or m-monster or something. I just…I thought you…" the blonde trailed off and Willow found that she didn’t have the strength to face her. Just stood there studying the door, her back to Tara trying to decide how to explain this.
I hurt her.
"I’m sorry Tara. I didn’t… I mean…." She exhaled slowly and turned to face the blonde. "I know I acted weird, I mean, okay stupid would probably be a better word, but it’s not what you think. I mean, it’s not cause I think you’re a freak or a monster. I could never think that."
"Then what was it?" the blonde sniffed weakly.
Willow paused unsure of what to say. This had to be just right. Perfect. And this was so not the moment.
"Um, I can’t tell you right now."
"Why? Is it some top secret Scooby thing?" It was so tempting to just say ‘yes’ but she knew she couldn’t lie to Tara. Not about this.
"No." She took a few more steps toward Tara and knelt at her feet by the bed. "I can’t tell you ‘cause I don’t know how to say it yet. But I will in a few minutes so if you can wait I promise I’ll tell you as soon as the processor in the back of my brain finally works it out. Is that okay?"
Tara actually managed a smile and nodded but stayed silent. After what seemed like an impossibly long time Willow broke the silence.
"So, uh, how was your date?"
"You can talk while you process?" The blonde gave her a teasing smile and Willow found herself beaming in response.
"Yes, smartie. It’s an in-the-background kinda thing. So how was it?" Tara’s smile faded and she looked down.
"It w-was fine."
"Just fine? Come on she was pretty cute." Tara’s head snapped up in surprise at Willow’s remark. "And she seemed like she was into you, but then who wouldn’t be." And now she was bright red hiding behind her hair in that way that melted Willow’s heart.
"Um, I-I d-don’t know…"
"Do you…like her?"
Tara’s face contorted in an uncharacteristic frown.
"Willow this is w-weird. Can’t w-we t-talk about something else?"
"No. You want me to be cool with it and I am. Isn’t this what friends are supposed to do? I mean, all with the girl talk….so to speak."
"Yeah, I g-guess."
"So? Do you like the girl or not?"
"Yeah …" Tara replied weakly and Willow’s heart sank. "I mean, I used to l-like her…but I’m not sure anymore. Aren’t you, uh, done p-processing yet?"
"Not quite," she admonished playfully, "and stop trying to change the subject. So you don’t like her."
"N-no. I mean I used to have this giant crush on her, but now I’m k-kinda in love with someone else."
And this was something she hadn’t really considered. Whether Tara was in love with her. It hadn’t been important at the time of her I’m-in-love-with-Tara epiphany, but now it was. But how would I know? I mean she blushes around me all the time and she goes to the student center just to bump into me. But that doesn’t prove anything.
"Oh. Who?"
Please let it be me…
Tara crossed her arms and frowned. "I d-don’t think I want to talk about this anymore."
"Why? I’m not gonna tell anyone."
"It’s just. Why do you want to know all of a sudden? I mean, you never asked before. We usually just talk about magic or demons or Scooby stuff and now s-suddenly…"
"Yeah, but maybe we should talk about other stuff sometimes. You know, friends stuff or whatever."
"W-willow you don’t have to prove to me that you’re okay with the whole g-gay thing. It’s okay if it freaks you out."
"It doesn’t. I mean, okay, maybe it did for like a nanosecond, but it doesn’t," she reached to tuck a strand of the blonde’s hair behind one ear. "So not freaked now. Really. And that’s not why I’m asking anyway."
"Then w-w-why?" The blonde asked quietly and closed in on herself. But Willow found she couldn’t focus any longer, she found that she was mesmerized by Tara’s lips.
"Because," she managed to mumble.
"Willow that’s n-not an answer."
But Willow couldn’t focus, lost in a world of possible soft kisses.
"Willow?"
"Hmm."
And then suddenly the lips were gone and Tara was up and moving away from her, her arms crossed defensively across her chest.
"I think m-m-maybe I just w-want to be alone right now...." And something else, something terrible and gut-wrenching. Tara was crying. Again. Oh great! I made her cry again. Great going Rosenburg!
"No, wait! I’m sorry! I did it again didn’t I?" Willow closed the distance between them placing her hands on the other girls arms. Tara flinched and shrank from the contact and Willow felt her panic mounting.
"I j-just…w-why are you acting so…. I mean why is e-everything d-different all of a sudden?" Willow watched in horror as a lone tear rolled slowly down Tara’s cheek. "I mean, I-I’m not any different. I’m the same person y’know …"
"I know!" Willow groaned in frustration, "and that’s kinda the point, because you’re a really cool and smart and beautiful person…and did I mention beautiful?" Tara nodded slightly so Willow continued, "Cause that’s an important one. Beautiful. And you’re sweet and thoughtful and well, I just didn’t know this one thing about you. You know, the gay thing so it is a little different, but in a totally good and maybe even better way?" Willow took a deep breath and tried to regain her original line of thought.
"So, I am different… to you," Tara said softly with a look of utter defeat.
"Well yeah! I mean, hello, gay being not what I assumed you are, not that I would assume you were anything because that would make an ass…okay, I’m not saying this right because see it’s more that you’re different and I’m different because… and it’s so cool ‘cause maybe we’re different in the same way…well, see." Willow took a breath and checked the blonde’s reaction to find that she was near tears again. What are you saying you idiot! You’re making it worse and… for once in your life just say it! " Okay! I’m in love with her!" Willow yelled at herself and then realized that somehow the words had made the quantum leap from the utter turmoil of her brain the air between them. "With you I mean," she added weakly with a thin smile and then looked quickly down at the ground. This wasn’t working out the way she had hoped. She should have gathered more evidence, mapped out a plan. But it was too late now. And what if she doesn’t like me? Can we even be friends after something like that? That was, in the words of her grandfather, quite a matzoh ball hanging between them. "And if you’d let me finish processing that would have come out a lot better without the matzoh ball and probably with more appropriate timing and maybe even flowers or something…"
"What?" the blonde managed finally.
"I’m in love with you?" she repeated carefully, worried that she would upset her friend again.
"No. No you’re not," Tara said and shook her head emphatically.
"What?" Willow was stunned by the response. She was expecting either happiness or horror. Or maybe even disgust, but not this whole bzzz wrong answer thing."Yes I am!"
"N-No, you’re not. You’re Willow. You have a b-boyfriend you’re still in love with, a best friend who’s a Slayer and you’re not. In love with me!"
Willow stood in shock before the blonde. Tara had never raised her voice to Willow. Oh god this is bad. Now what do I do? And is she saying that because she doesn’t want it to be true? Or because she does? Okay, way too many variables here, I told you you should have planned this out. Carpe diem my…foot!
The redhead took a deep breath and prepared to claw her way out of the giant hole she had somehow managed to dig between herself and Tara. Okay, stay calm, use your debate team skills and don’t scare her. "Yes. I am Willow. I had a boyfriend. I’m not still in love with him. My best friend is the Slayer and I just realized that I’m in love with this gorgeous witch named Tara, but apparently she’s not in love with me and I now feel like a total idiot and I don’t know why I thought…."
"It’s not possible, it’s not possible, this isn’t happening…" Willow could barely make out the blonde’s sobbing litany.
Tara was staring at the floor now shaking her head and Willow felt the entire world grow heavier pulling all of her internal organs toward the floor. As the atmosphere crushed down around her slim frame, breathing became an issue, her lungs working in excruciating gasps to supply her body and more importantly, her brain with much-needed oxygen. Willow was sure she was going to pass out. It was all too much. The epiphany, the run over to Tara’s room, the panic. And now Tara wouldn’t even look at her. She had managed to ruin everything in a matter of minutes.
"Oh god, I’m sorry Tara…" the redhead squeaked and then realized that there simply wasn’t enough oxygen in the room to continue speaking so she did the only thing left, the one thing every Scooby was trained to do in a no-win situation – she backed out of the room carefully and ran.
****
Willow managed to hold back the hurricane of tears until she got back to the dorm room, but as soon as the door closed behind her it all came pouring out of her in huge racking sobs. For the first time in weeks she was grateful that her roommate was still out with Riley. How could she possibly explain this? Oh, yeah, no big Buffy. I just realized that I’m not just kinda gay I’m in love with Tara, but, hey, small problem, she’s totally not in love with me! Which really shouldn’t be such a surprise.... since, hello, I can't even make things work with the boys and girls are so much smarter...
"Hey Will, I’m so glad you’re here!" Oh perfect! Willow raged internally while trying with kleenex and shirt sleeves to return her face to something resembling normal. At least the light was dim. "Ohmygod, are you okay?" Damn slayer senses! "Did something hurt you? ‘Cause we got jumped by these three…"
"No! No jumped here, just having a bad night," Willow weakly reassured her best friend.
"Oz?" the Slayer asked with a look of serious concern as she stroked the redhead’s back in a comforting gesture.
"Uh, yeah," Willow lied. Coward! "So you got jumped?" she asked weakly hoping to change the subject.
"Oh yeah! These three vamps and a demon which is no big really, but they had this," Buffy pulled a small wooden box out of her coat pocket and set it on the bed between them. "It’s got some kind of funky little metal thingy inside. Riley and I had like the biggest fight over it. He wanted to take it to the Initiative for testing, but it totally gave me the wiggins so I thought we should take a look at it first before they make with the experimenting…"
Willow nudged it absently with her foot. This was the last thing she wanted to do tonight. She just wanted to listen to sad CDs and cry and hopefully think of some way to salvage whatever she could of her friendship with Tara. "I thought maybe you and Tara could take a look at it before we show it to Giles at the Scooby meeting tomorrow," the Slayer asked expectantly. Okay, this is the second to last thing I wanted to do tonight, first being the shame and humiliation of facing Tara again.
"Um, I think Tara’s kinda busy right now, but I’ll take a look at it if you want," Willow offered half-heartedly.
"Great!" Buffy jumped up from the bed and began to collect her things.
"Going out?" Willow asked hopefully.
"Yeah, unless you need to talk, ‘cause I can put off making up with Riley ‘til tomorrow if you need the best friend thing." Willow thought about how much she wanted to talk to her best friend, needed to talk to her best friend. But she couldn’t. Buffy would definitely freak over this one and she wasn’t even sure that there was something to freak about.
Willow shook her head and forced a smile. "No, it’s okay. You should go have makeup smoochies. I’ll just work on the wiggins box. Who knows? Maybe it’ll take my mind off of… things."
Buffy stood in the open doorway staring at her best friend with a distracted, but concerned expression.
"Okay, but we will talk tomorrow right? I want full disclosure, like, a three mocha disclosure.."
"Yes sir," Willow saluted as Buffy rolled her eyes and closed the door behind her.
Finally! Willow thought and eyed the box with mounting irritation. Stupid box. I just want to be alone with my self-pity and I should be darn it. I’ve earned it! She nudged the box again with a sneakered foot and rose with a sigh. Okay, shower then continue with the crying. Or maybe cry in the shower? ‘Cause that would be a much more efficient use of time. Willow rambled internally as she collected her towel and shower kit and trudged toward the hall.
to be continued...
Edited by: lipkandy at: 10/23/02 1:15:06 pm
|