A Moment of Truth

[JustSkipIt]

Yeah so you know what? I like Doctor Who. I think it's a really great TV show. But you know what? I don't need to watch it every fucking second. I am ok with watching any of the like 40 hours of TV stored up on the DVR that we haven't watched while my wife has been so obsessed with Doctor Who. Last week she actually mentioned that we've "watched all that Ringer" because we watched 2 episodes in a week. Errggg. I'll be happy to catch up and hope she doesn't get as obsessed over Torchwood.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Yeah so you know what? I like Doctor Who. I think it's a really great TV show. But you know what? I don't need to watch it every fucking second. I am ok with watching any of the like 40 hours of TV stored up on the DVR that we haven't watched while my wife has been so obsessed with Doctor Who. Last week she actually mentioned that we've "watched all that Ringer" because we watched 2 episodes in a week. Errggg. I'll be happy to catch up and hope she doesn't get as obsessed over Torchwood.

Deb, might be best to try to hide the existence of The Sarah Jane Adventures if she doesn't already know about it.


My truth: I was pathetic today. I was in a funk/crappy mood for no real reason (though I think the first day of my period may have been a factor... or maybe I'm just using it as an excuse), but I had planned to go to a "Craft 'n' Chat" meetup with a group I've been a theoretical member of for a couple years. By the end of the day I wasn't really in the mood to go, but I told myself I would cause it was going to be a great way to meet people while having the safety net of my knitting, plus it would force me to actually do some knitting since I've fallen out of the habit. So, I had a little time between work and the meetup, so I went to a bookstore and another shop in the area, had a nice time browsing, then I headed to the coffee shop where we were supposed to meet, got there about 5 minutes late which seemed perfect cause I really didn't want to be early. I looked around for about 30 seconds, so no obvious sign of the group, and... I left. I could have easily contacted the woman hosting, or even asked someone that worked there, or just looked more closely. Instead I took it as an excuse to come home and be my usual hermit, non-socializing, virtually-friendless self. Pathetic.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I heard from her, finally. After 4 dreams about hearing from her, 2 in the 8 days since I got her last message, one just last night, I heard from her. And it didn't fix things. I still don't know where I or we stand. I thought I'd feel wonderful if/when she contacted me again, but if anything I think I feel worse, and I don't really know why. Maybe some part of me expected something I didn't get, but I honestly wasn't aware of even expecting her to write at all. I guess on some level I thought if she did write it would be because she'd started to figure things out, and that I'd be able to know where to go from here. Instead, I'm back to where I was a week and a half ago, not knowing what the hell's going on, knowing she supposedly wants to be in my life but not knowing what the hell that means. It drives me crazy, all the not knowing; before I heard from her, I thought I wouldn't, and though it hurt like crazy it was easier, because I thought I knew where I stood, that it was over and I needed to accept it. Not that that kept me from missing her. Logically, I know a little over a week is no time at all, but it feels like so much longer. Honestly, there've been so many things getting in the way, I think I'm just going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I wanted so much just to hear from her, and now I did, and I guess it's not what I wanted after all. I honestly don't know what to say to her. I don't know where we go from here, where *I* go from here, and god I hate the not knowing.

[waitnsee]

I'm in kind of a funk tonight. Feeling homesick and missing my family and friends back home. But whiskey, journaling and Arcade Fire are beginning to help...

[Finey_McFine]

Making friends with people when you are an adult is extremely difficult.

[BeMyDeputy]

Making friends with people when you are an adult is extremely difficult.

Yes. Yes it is.

[Finey_McFine]

I have decided that assholes who drive in the left lane, under the speed limit & even with the car on the right should be arrested and thrown in a cell with a 350 pound guy named Bubba.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I want a life with her. It's starting to worry me how much I want it, because I don't know how to get there. When we look at the far-future, we seem to see the same things; living in the UK together, visiting all sorts of sites connected to the Whoniverse, having adventures like sailing down a river on a teachest, building a TARDIS treehouse, working in health professions (being a surgeon for her, a midwife or NICU nurse for me), refusing to ever grow up, improving our accents, and being our obsessive crazy selves. Those things we talk about though, they're about a thousand steps away, and I can't see the path. I'm trying to figure out how to move to Britain, but it's going to take years, and it'll require a lot of time and money commitment toward school and training, which means I won't even be able to visit her. I don't know how we're supposed to date or start a relationship when I can't go see her, and she'll be in school too, with overprotective parents that don't approve because we met online, so it's not as if she can visit either. Do we just continue like we are for the next 4 or 5 years until she heads to the UK for med school and I (*hopefully*) get a job somewhere in Britain and hope that it's near her? Much as I like the way things are, I want more someday-- sooner rather than later. I don't want to be kind-of-dating for years, and I don't know how to have anything more than that with the way things are now. I want so, so much more. I want to live near her, to get to watch TV with her, build TARDISs and other Whovian things together, hear about her volunteering in-person, help her study for tests, borrow her books, and just get to be part of each others lives. I want those things. But to work toward the big, someday things I want (both with and without her) I have to give up any chance of being in her in-person-life any time soon. And it sucks, because I want to be with her. Because I'm worried that if I don't figure out a way to be with her now we won't figure out how to be together later.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I feel like a bad person for it, but I don't *want* to go see my grandfather tomorrow. I gave my mum some excuse about it being too last minute and not having any clean clothes, but the fact is I just don't want to go. I love my grandfather, but we hardly ever know what to say to each other; even after 3 months of living together last year we don't really know each other. I honestly don't think I'd have a good time, where as if I stay home I can go to a Doctor Who thing tomorrow and probably hang out with my roommates at some point. My mum was trying to guilt me into it, and I know I *should* go because I have no idea when I'll next see him, but it's a long drive and it would take most of my weekend and I just feel like being selfish and doing my own things.

[JustSkipIt]

I'm strongly considering getting a Brazilian wax. Weird huh? Because of running.

[Finey_McFine]

I'm strongly considering getting a Brazilian wax.

Sounds painful!

My Moment of Truth...
My oldest nephew is graduating from HS in May with his Associates degree. I'm so damn proud of that kid! If all goes as planned, he'll graduate from college at 20 with a degree in Physics. It's totally surreal. It seems like just yesterday I was changing his diapers and suddenly he's a six foot tall man with a scruffy beard. When the hell did that happen?

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My family's growing up. Sometimes I feel like I'm not. My oldest sister has been married a few years now, has a very steady (if not the best paying) job, and has the most beautiful 8 month old baby boy; she is confident, self-assured, and entirely capable of running her life. She's a *mom*, in every way that a mom should be. My second oldest sister has been married over 6 months now, which would normally seem like the newly-wed stage, but she and her husband have lived together for years, and despite the absurdly fancy wedding, the marriage was just a formality, because they were already partners in all the ways that mattered; she has a steady job that she loves and loads of responsibilities, she takes care of her self now, and she's figuring things out like adults should. One of my little sisters is in college, which still freaks me out a bit, and the other has been living with her boyfriend nearly a year, hasn't even been on bipolar meds since her brain surgery a year ago, and has a job at a daycare-- the first job she's ever managed to keep for more than a couple weeks, and she loves it and seems to be really good. Hell, even my mum's got her life more sorted than ever before, finally achieving dreams she's had since childhood. It's starting to feel like everyone's on a pretty clear path, except my brother and I. We're the ones who keep changing our minds and our plans, who have failed moves across the country and failed relationships that nearly break us; we're the ones who have big ideas that we can never quite figure out how to bring into our lives. I don't have things figured out. I try and try and try to make plans and sort things, but at the end of the day I still feel like a kid in so many ways. Nearly every problem I have, no matter how big or small, I call my mum. I put off chores as long as I possibly can, and haven't even vacumed in the nearly 8 months that I've lived here. I do a completely rubbish job of taking care of myself, barely sleeping and eating horribly. I have no social skills whatsoever-- the only person I've come close to being friends with in person in months I started ignoring, and I never go out of my way to talk to people. I only seem capable of making friends through the internet, and even then I seem to turn a lot of people off. I'm clueless about people and about life. Maybe I'm being over dramatic, but it feels like I'm still a kid inside, and everyone around me is figuring out how to grow up...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I want to learn to not be afraid.

[Finey_McFine]

My daughter is growing up and I don't like it, nope not one little bit!

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I think I screwed up and probably ruined things with this girl, but I can't be the only one taking risks or investing in this almost-relationship. Even if we never come back from this, even if I lose her, I had to ask her to take a risk because I *can't* be the only one. I won't.

[patzw]

I posted this in the wrong thread before... so this is attempt #2

- In the span of 9 months, I managed to get dumped 4 times by the same girl before we actually started; I should hate her but I don't. I should forget her, but I can't. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. So what does this say about me?
- I feel so incredibly socially awkward, insecure and different at times that I sometimes fear I may not be 100% in the head...
- I can't wait to be a mommy someday

CrazyTaraWitch... Your story mirrors mine for a big part, so I just wanted to let you know that I know *exactly* how you feel.

[BeMyDeputy]

My new medicine is complicated.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I try not to wish time away, because this is my life, and most of the time I enjoy it; but right now, I really really really wish it could be next February.

[little.hesperides]

I've been casually seeing someone for several months. I was clear from the outset that I wasn't looking for a relationship. Well, now I'm pretty sure she's attached at the hip (and suffocating me). But what really set me off lately is that I met someone that I really really like. It's time to end this thing. I am so scared of having to have this conversation. Ugh. Anyone want to do this for me?

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I realized tonight that I will really be heartbroken if things don't work out with this girl. I wouldn't say I'm even expecting them too, not really, but I'm sure as hell hoping, and I will be crushed if things fall apart. Which is scary to realize given that my crush is only 18, and this is her first relationship; what first relationship lasts? What relationship at 18 lasts? Put the two together, and add in the fact we live half a country apart, and logically I know the chances aren't good. It's not as if I'm a lot older or a lot more experienced either; I wouldn't expect most 22 year olds who've only had one real relationship to be ready to settle down with the person they'll be with forever. And yet I see myself being with this girl 60 years from now (we've even talked about what we'll be like in our 80's), and it hit me tonight that if it doesn't happen I will probably be devastated. The romantic part really isn't so important, but having her in my life, being her person, it means so much to me. If I lose that, if I lose *her*, I'll be crushed. I'm not really scared of getting hurt, I never have been because I always believe love is worth it and I have been hurt before, I'm just scared to think about how slim our chances are and it sucks to think of going back to life without her.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes I feel like I can't keep trying with this girl. Things get really good and then not-so-good and then great and then not-so-good again. I keeping thinking... now I've got it figured out and things will be good, I understand where she's coming from and it makes sense and we can work on her issues--cause it's not as if I don't have my own to work through. I keep thinking I have things more or less figured out, and I understand why we've had the not-so-good stuff, and then new issues come up and I'm back to not getting it. And I know sometimes it's just be, that I'm being too sensitive or whatever; but it still bugs me. I want her to ask questions. I want her to want to know about my day, to show a little curiosity about my life. It's probably childish, but sometimes I hint at things, trying to make them sound interesting, so that she'll ask me about them, because I just want some damn sign that she cares; most of the time, she doesn't ask. Today I had probably the most interesting/exciting day in the last two months, and she showed absolutely no interest in hearing about it. I honestly wonder sometimes why I keep trying to share things with her. Any time I bring it up, she tells me how much she wants to be part of my life and share things with me and be my person, but it never seems to translate into action; after talking things out, I get why she has trouble talking about her life, and it mostly doesn't bother me now, but I have no understanding for her lack of curiosity about my life. She says she cares about me, wants to know things and wants us to matter to each other, but she never seems to do anything to help us get closer. I know the in-person aspect is important to her, that it feels to her like the way to really get to know someone, but we've only gotten to meet in person once and will be lucky if we can again before next spring, and honestly how fucking hard is it to ask someone what made their day awesome? This is, of course, where the me overreacting part comes in, cause she's having a family weekend and maybe she just didn't feel like or wasn't able to have a real conversation, but it feels like the latest in a long string of times she doesn't seem to care enough to ask. Sometimes I think I should just step away, let her come to me, stop initiating conversations and wait until she's ready, because I *always* want to talk to her, and maybe sometimes she doesn't want to talk to me. Then there's a part of me that I'm not very proud of that wants to back away for far less considerate reasons; a part of me wants to pull away to see if she would try to fix things. Would she know that anything was wrong? How much would she care? Would caring translate into doing something about it?

The thing is, I know I won't walk away (not even a little bit, not to give her space--we talk once or twice a day so it's not like I'm smother her--or to "test" her or for any other reason), because I'm falling in love with her. I am falling hard for this girl, and I don't have the will power to hold back.

[JustSkipIt]

I guess I don't like... silky feeling things. I don't know if that's it. I don't like silk sheets or flannel sheets. I don't like clothes like that. And I can't stand the feeling of hair. Short hair is fine to me but my wife wants me to like stroke and play with her hair. It literally gives me the shivers. You know that part in Psycho where you see his mother and she's a skeleton but her hair is still there? That's what it feels like to me to play with someone's hair. I thought it was just that I didn't like hair but then a few weeks ago my wife and our best friend were like "yeah... you don't like smooth things..." I'm not sure I see the connection but seriously, if I never play with any one's hair again (not possible) it will be fine with me.

And also... it fucking tickles.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Tonight or tomorrow I'm renting a hotel room. For my not-girlfriend and I to share (platonically or romantically as yet undetermined). In February. I'm about 50% excited and 50% nervous. And a little bit terrified. And a lot happy. I'm scared I'm going to fuck things up before then... And worried she might not like me in person for that long. And thrilled about the idea of spending two whole days together. And I just... I feel about 50,000 things at once, and I don't quite know how to handle the feelings.

[Ariel]

Wow, CTW - that is incredibly exciting/terrifying/wonderful or b) all of the above! Best of luck!

That I am looking for the next big adventure, that I need to open my mind and heart to new ways to live.

Ariel

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Wow, CTW - that is incredibly exciting/terrifying/wonderful or b) all of the above! Best of luck!

Thanks Ariel! It is definitely all of the above. (I think these *mostly* express my feelings.)

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I have a paper due in 18 hours. I have half of it written, but it's total crap, and I work tomorrow, but tonight I had trouble caring. Granted I did write the entire half of the paper tonight, but then I blew off the rest of it to watch ER and Doctor Who. It's so hard to feel motivated about a paper that I only need to get about a 30 or 40 on to make an A in the class, but I fear if I don't at least come close to the minimum length the teacher may not give me even that. And still I procrastinate, cause that's what I do. I am a horrible self-motivator, which makes me a bit worried since I'm taking two distance classes this summer...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes I'm sad. Sometimes I'm just... really really sad. It seems like life is never quite what I want it to be; I try to be happy and most times I am, but not always. Sometimes the sadness just hits me and... I don't feel okay. I wonder if the things I fight for will be worth it in the end, or if I'd be happier in the long run if I took an easier path.

[JustSkipIt]

Yeah... sometimes I would like to just shout "SUCK IT UP! Get over it and cheer the fuck up. You are ruining the day. No one else! You! Stop."

[Foomatic]

Apparently make-up sex is no longer a reasonable expectation to have after an argument. Even if the argument is about the lack of physical intimacy in the relationship, and culminated in the promise to try harder. You'd think that after voicing my anger, hurt, and frustrations, that maybe it would make me feel better, but apparently that's too much to ask and really, how can I be so selfish to ask that of her in the first place?

[JustSkipIt]

My step mother (mother's partner) is going to move to North Carolina this summer. We need to visit her before she goes. Very sadly I believe it will be the last time I see her.