Zampsa19752001: The news will be good. Thanks for reading.
Finey_McFine: The girls don’t know exactly where they stand. Tara doesn’t want to be pushy. I am glad that you appreciate the “slightly off kilterness” that is what I intended. Relationships, especially newish relationships are awkward.
JustSkipIt: Just read on. I just didn’t think Tara would feel confident enough to stay.
Dr. Love: Sorry it took so long. After writing the dissertation, my muse went away for a while.
True_Love: Thanks for the feedback. I too am in the mental health field, and I work with severely emotionally troubled teenagers, so I know that sunshine and puppy dogs rarely appear. Thanks for affirming what I am doing.
Part 68
Willow woke up and wondered who had been tap dancing on her head. She swore that she could hear the blood flowing through brain and it sounded like it was a rushing river. Willow put her fingers over her ears in an attempt to quiet the sound. She opened her eyes the sunshine made her headache even worse and she quickly closed them again.
Shit. What is wrong with me? I can’t be sick. Maybe if I just try to go to sleep again, I’ll wake up and I will feel better.
This would have been a great plan, however one body system was not cooperating, she had to pee. Willow raised herself out of the bed and tried to walk as slowly and evenly as she could so not to jar her head. She tried she squinted and opened just one eye in an attempt to not have to subject herself to the sunlight that bathed the hallway with what Willow suspected was supposed to be beautiful California sunshine, but at this moment seemed to be like arrows piercing her head. As she walked, a feeling of nausea overtook her and she briefly wondered which part of herself she’d need to place onto the toilet first.
She finally got to the bathroom, and found that the nausea abated when she sat down. So she did what she needed to do and sat in the bathroom for a few minutes while she got up the courage to brave the sunshine filled hallway again. She was just about to begin her trek again, when she heard a knock on the door.
“Willow, are you ok?”
Joyce’s voice seemed to be several decibels louder that could be humanly possible, Willow managed to squeak out, “I am fine, just a little headache.”
“Do you need something for it?”
“I don’t know. I think I just need to sleep some more.”
“You’ve been sleeping for the last 12 hours, are you sure you are ok?”
Willow pondered whether honesty was the best policy. She had spent so many years denying that she needed anything or any care from others. She had learned at an early age that Sheila would become annoyed whenever Willow was sick and would question her symptoms at every opportunity, often telling her that she was sure she’d feel better if she just got up and went to school. Willow had suffered through many illnesses sitting in the back of the classroom with her head down on her desk. When a teacher would call her mother, Sheila would always put the blame on Willow; saying that she’d insisted on going to school, despite Sheila’s suggestions to stay home.
“Willow are you ok?” Joyce’s voice sounded concerned.
“I don’t know. I just have a really bad headache. Maybe it is a migraine.”
“Have you had migraines before?”
“No.”
“Do you mind if I come in?”
“No.”
Her aunt came into the room and immediately put her hand on Willow’s forehead.
“You look pale sweetheart. I think I should take you to the doctor.”
“I am sure that it is nothing,” said Willow, not wanting to deal with the chance that her parents would track her down from any attempt to use her insurance.
“I am sure that it is probably nothing too, but I’d rather be safe than sorry. There is a walk in clinic near my work. I have heard that they are quick and inexpensive. I’d just like someone to check you out. Would you be willing to go?”
The idea of getting out of the bathroom was overwhelming, Willow was not sure she could fathom doing anything else, but she could tell that her aunt was worried, so she acquiesced. Fortunately, she was already in sweats and a tee shirt, so all she needed to do was slip on the pair of sandals she had gotten on their shopping trip, and slowly go down the stairs, out the door and into the car.
There were not many people at the clinic, Willow took the requisite paperwork and began to fill it out. All of the questions swam before her. She must have been staring at the paper, because Joyce took it out of her hand and began filling it out.
“When were you in the hospital last? It was in the winter, right”
“February”
“Did you have any other hospitalizations or injuries?”
“Just medical, or both”
“Probably both.”
“Too many to mention. Just write down, “history of multiple hospitalizations due to issues surrounding eating disorders, most recent treatment at McLean and Mass General. I also broke my arm when I was seven.”
“Do you take any medications?”
“Not anymore.”
Joyce finished filling out the paperwork and brought it up to the counter. About 15 minutes later, Willow’s name was called.
“Do you mind if I come with?”
Willow’s head continued to pound, and she really didn’t care what Joyce did or did not do
She was led into a examination room after the requisite weighing, temperature and blood pressure check. Willow did not think she’d ever been so happy to see a exam table in her life. She climbed up onto it and lay down, glad to be able to close her eyes again. She felt herself begin to drift into sleep when the door opened and in walked a young doctor.
“So Miss Rosenberg, what seems to be the trouble?”
“Headache, really bad headache.”
“Have you had this before?”
“Not like this.”
“You’re mom wrote that you’d been treated for heart problems at Mass General in February.”
My mother Willow began to panic, and then she realized that the doctor must have thought Joyce was her mother.
“My aunt”
“She’s my niece” said Joyce and Willow simultaneously.
The doctor looked at them. “Ok, whatever. What kind of heart problems do you have?”
“I had a slight heart attack due to electrolyte imbalance secondary to anorexia.” Said Willow in a matter of fact way.
The doctor took his stethoscope and listened to her heart and lungs. He looked at the encounter form that the nurse had written her pulse, blood pressure, and oxygen levels. He looked in her eyes.
shit that light is bright Willow thought to herself.
“Have you been around anyone who was sick lately?”
“Not that I know of, but I was on a plane day before yesterday from Boston to California. One of my seatmates was sneezing, but she swore that it was allergies. “
“Did you get a flu shot?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well, you don’t have a fever, so I doubt it is the flu. But you should think about getting one because of your history of heart issues. I’ll send you to the lab to have some blood drawn, and we can check for mono, that sometimes causes headaches. Have you been kissing anyone?” the doctor said with a laugh.
Willow blanched, shit, what if I got Tara sick. She can’t afford to miss any work, I should have been more careful.” Willow’s self recriminations were broken by the doctor’s comment and question.
“Well, your blood pressure, pulse and blood oxygen levels are all normal, so I don’t think this headache is related to your heart problems. Tell me a little about your time at McLean, that is also in Boston right?”
Willow knew that McLean was actually in Belmont, not Boston, but she knew not to argue, especially when she was on the west coast. “ I was in their hospital program, and then moved to a residential program. I was there from late Feb until 3 days ago.”
“Were you on any meds?”
“Yes, Paxil 40 mg and Wellbutrin 150mg.”
Joyce looked at her, “I thought you said you weren’t taking any medicine.”
Willow looked sheepishly at the two older adults. “Well, actually, right now I am not…”
“So are you telling me that you went cold turkey off two antidepressants 3 days ago.”
Willow nodded her head.
“Let me guess…you also feel nauseous and just want to sleep.”
Willow nodded.
“Did anyone tell you that you shouldn’t go off your meds cold turkey?”
“Um….”
“Well, I suspect that this choice is responsible for your feeling sick. I will write you a script for the meds and I suggest you meet with a psychiatrist who can help you go off your meds properly, if that is what you think is best for you. I have a few recommendations if that would help.”
“Does that mean I don’t have to get my blood drawn?”
“I don’t think so. Go see your own doctor if the symptoms don’t get better within the next few days.”
Willow felt chagrined, she took the scripts from the doctor, and she and Joyce left the clinic. It wasn’t until they were in the car that Willow realized that she had not paid.
“We didn’t pay.”
“I did when I went up to get the forms, they took my credit card and said they’d just submit the amount.”
“You didn’t have to do that. I have money.”
“I know you do.”
Willow looked at her aunt, and didn’t have the energy to argue. They left the clinic, and went into the adjacent pharmacy. Willow sat with her head against the wall while they filled her prescriptions. She saw Joyce pull out her credit card and got up as quickly as she could to pay. Unfortunately, the quickest she could get up, was no match for her able bodied aunt. So once again, the older woman had taken care of her.
Willow fell asleep in the car on the way home, and was still so tired that she could not think about doing anything other than going back to bed. She wanted to see Tara, but she felt she just needed a short nap first. Joyce helped her out of the car and Willow shuffled up to her bedroom. When Joyce asked if she needed anything, Willow responded, “Just call Tara and say I will see her after I take a nap. Don’t tell her why I don’t feel good, ok?”
“Ok. Sleep tight sweetie.”
When Willow woke up, her headache was not as bad, and she was feeling a little better. She felt that she could actually take a shower. So she went into the bathroom. The tub looked more inviting, so she turned on the water and took a bath instead. This made her feel even better, and she put on some clothes and went downstairs.
Her aunt was reading in the living room, and popped up as soon as she saw Willow coming down the stairs.
“Are you ok? Do you want something for lunch?”
“My stomach still does not feel too good. I think I am just going to go over to Tara’s if that is ok.”
“Fine with me. Have fun.”
Willow walked out of the house and up the stairs leading to Tara’s apartment. She knocked lightly first, and then a little louder. Tara opened the door. Willow looked into the deep blue eyes of her girlfriend a tingle went from her head to her toes.
“So I saw you left, did you go to the doctor? Are you ok? It is not your heart is it? Are you sick?”
Willow put her finger on Tara’s lips in an attempt to stifle the babble.
“Yes I went to the doctor, no I am not sick. I just have a killer headache and feel sick to my stomach, but the doctor said that I will feel better in a day or two. Do you mind if I sit down, I still am feeling kind of lightheaded from the headache.”
“Of course,” said a flustered Tara, as she led Willow to the couch and sat down next to her.
“So what is wrong?”
Willow blushed. “It’s all my own fault. I am a chemistry major for the goddesses sake, I should have figured it out myself. Well, I am a chemist not a pharmacologist, but still, it was so stupid.”
“What?”
“I went cold turkey off my meds. I didn’t think they were doing anything, so I didn’t think it would effect me at all. Well, I was wrong.”
“Well, at least they could do something about it, right?”
“Yes,” Willow sneered, “but it involves me having to still take the stupid pills. I hate pills. I am NOT depressed or anxious.”
“If you say so.” Said Tara subvocally.
“What did you say?” said Willow
“Nothing.”
“You said something.” Willow was starting to feel angry and defensive.
“I did, but maybe I shouldn’t have…I am sorry.” Tara was looking as though someone had slapped her.
Willow took a deep breath, and tried to calm herself down. She was mad at herself, not Tara, and it was not ok to take it out on Tara.
“No, really I want to know what you said.”
“No you don’t”
“Yes, I do.” Willow looked deep into Tara’s eyes. “I always want to know what you think and say.”
“It was sarcastic.”
“All the better.”
“I just said, ‘if you say so.’”
“So you think I am depressed and anxious. Do I look depressed to you. No wait, don’t answer that, I know I look like shit. “
“It wasn’t the depression I was responding to. “
“You think I am anxious?”
“A little…” said Tara quietly.
Willow thought for a few moments and acknowledged, “Ok,maybe a little anxious. But I have things to be anxious about. I don’t know if I’ll get back into school. I don’t know if my parents are going to track me down. I don’t know if my girlfriend still wants to be with me or what she is expecting from this relationship.” F&*^ I didn’t mean to say that one.
“You honestly don’t know that I want to be with you? And I have NO expectations, hopes maybe, byt expectations, no.”
Willow could see the hurt in Tara’s eyes. “I…I.. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just feel so messed up, and I don’t know why someone as beautiful and great as you would want to be around a loser like me. I can’t even run away right. I end up having to go to the doctors within 3 days. What if Aunt Joyce had given them my insurance. Sheila and Ira would be on the doorstep within days.”
“She didn’t did she?” asked Tara.
“Nope, paid in cash, well actually credit card, but same thing. No paper trail.”
“You know that they are eventually going to find you, right?”
“Well, they won’t find out from McLean, I threatened to sue them for HIPPA violations if they told. And Aunt Joyce promised that she would not confirm that I was here. So it might take awhile. Plus they don’t know that I had some money. They probably think I am around Boston still.”
“Speaking of that, how did you buy a ticket?”
“Aunt Joyce had left me a gift card. She just left put the period at the right place, they thought it had $25.00, it actually had $2500.”
“Wow.”
“Yes wow. She is amazing. She put all of the money that Ira and Sheila gave her when I lived here into an account, so I am much more secure than I ever imagined. I got access to some other money too. “
“That’s great.”
“I guess.” There was pregnant pause.
“So what have you been doing?”
“Reading, laundry…not much.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“You could help me make the bed if you want.” Tara looked at Willow in a flirtatious manner.
Despite her headache, this seemed like a great thing to do. Tara…bedroom…clean sheets…the opportunities were endless.
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