A Moment of Truth

[Kessari]

This year sucked... It really did. But since Wednesday I just can't swipe the smile off my face. I can't rememver a time when I was in such a good mood and I certainly can't remember the last time someone actually told me to stop smiling. It's a weird feeling, but I love it!

[JustSkipIt]

Sometimes I am so jealous of my wife. She got to give birth to our children, breast feed them, stay home with them. She's the stay-at-home, make the fun deals, go swimming or to the park mom and I feel like a second-class parent or something. I'm just the work all day and then come home and work all evening mom but they totally prefer her. It hurts.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm feeling a huge pull toward someone I "met" on a fan group for Doctor Who; we've never had a proper conversation, but we comment on what the other says all the time. It feels like we're on the same wavelength, which *never* happens for me, with anyone. I imagine we could become good friends and I want to get to know her, but I'm also scared to because I'm pretty sure I would develop feelings for her-- I think I'm starting to already. I hate realizing that I'm terrified of falling for someone; I've never been that girl, never wanted to be that girl, never in a million years expected to be that girl. I love love and I never used to be scared of getting my heart broken, cause I was always certain it would be worth it. Now I find myself just assuming that any feelings I had would never be reciprocated; I guess I've actually assumed that in the past, too, it just never stopped me from wanting to feel. It terrifies me to see that I've become someone who doesn't want to feel, and I don't know when or how it happened or getting back to the person I've always been, the person who loves with every ounce of her being even when it hurts like hell. I miss her.

[sweet satin lover]

I want to be pushed against a wardrobe/wall and kissed to death right now.

[Finey_McFine]

Hotel rooms in Times Square in December: $1000/night

Hotel rooms in Times Square in January: $204/night

Same hotel - same room.

Legal price gouging.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I am REALLY ready for my sister's wedding to be over. It has been stressing out our entire family for ages, and I've had to make a lot of sacrifices. I want to be there for my sister, I really do, but I wish I didn't have to go tomorrow. I know it'll all be over after that, no more $110 dresses or $55 shoes that I *cannot* find without leather or 50000 texts from the maid of honour or $100 bachelorette weekends or fancy dinners at restaurants with no vegetarian options, but I want to already be done. I don't want to go 4 hours before the wedding to stand around not knowing what to do with myself and get makeup put on (which my sister had promised I wouldn't have to do, but has now changed her mind about and said we'll just make it look 'natural'), I don't want to spend 4 hours in ugly heels and a dress that's completely not me, I don't want to do any of it. I'm doing it for her and I wouldn't change that, but at the same time... I just want this to be over and done. I am SO not a big wedding person.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Accidental double post.

[little.hesperides]

You may be emotionally stable and compartmentalized, but it doesn't mean the other person is. Despite warning. Sei mal vorsichtig.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I cried when I was forced to look in a mirror yesterday because I didn't look like me. My sister had promised I wouldn't have to wear makeup and went back on it, and it hurt. It hurt that she wanted me to be someone I'm not. I get that it was her wedding day and she wanted everyone to look nice, but last weekend she told me she only wanted me to be me, with the specific mention of the fact that I hadn't worn makeup since a brief experimental phase when I was 11 and had less than no desire to wear it yesterday, and then yesterday her tune had changed; she said we'd go for a "natural" look, but how is any makeup natural?! I felt like a damn doll, sitting there for 15 minutes having some stranger put crap all over my face and neck to make me look fake, not even getting a say in what was done. I looked in the mirror and I saw a stranger and I cried, because I didn't like not knowing myself and I hated feeling that this fake-me was the one my sister wanted at her side.

It probably sounds pathetic, to care that much over how I looked for one day, and especially a day that was so important to my sister, but it's hard for me to like myself; though I'm getting better all the time it's a constant struggle, and days like yesterday undermine my sense of self-worth. I can't imagine many things worse for my self-esteem than having at least a dozen people yesterday tell me how beautiful I looked when yesterday was the least I have ever looked like me.

I am not that girl. I am not that fancy dress, fancy shoes, fancy hair, makeup girl. I did it for my sister, but I am never doing it again. It hurts too much to be someone I'm not, even for one day.

[Foomatic]

This isn't anger. This is hate, in its purist form.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I feel a bit pathetic for this, but the last few days I've really been missing seeing the woman I'm semi-crushing on around the fan page as she hasn't been posting. I've never had a proper conversation with her, she's older than me (though how much I'm not sure) and has a 3 year old, I don't have any clue where she lives except that it's somewhere in the U.S., she's most likely straight, and I think she's Christian (which I have nothing against, but I don't know how comfortable I'd be in a relationship with someone who strongly identified that way), so lots of strikes against things, but I'm still constantly looking for signs of her, even if it's just her 'liking' posts/comments instead of making her own. For a couple days I couldn't go more than a few minutes without her posting something or liking something I said, and we had lots of back and forth, and she was just *there*, all the time, saying brilliant things that made me think and feel, and now she's not around and it's stupid cause she's a stranger but I miss her...

[brave-little-toaster]

You guys disappeared. I woke up yesterday morning, and you guys weren't there. At eight in the morning. I had no idea when you were going to be back, so yes, I left. I made friends, I moved MY shit, I put food in the refrigerator I paid for 1/3 of, I used the microwave, I brought a couple friends back to sit around and chat. Yes, we're nerds talking about sci-fi and historical fiction and comic books, BUT YOU GUYS WEREN'T HERE SO WHEN YOU WALK IN AFTER CLOSE TO 48 HOURS DON'T START BITCHING AT ME.
And please stop rolling your eyes every time I ask you to stop using gay as a synonym for stupid. I'm sorry that my feelings and rights are getting in the way of your bigotry.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I feel like avoiding the colour pink may be a legitimate reason to spend an extra $40 getting my new laptop.

[EasierSaid]

Sometimes when I haven't written for a while I get worried that I've forgotten how.

[Kajun]

Sometimes when I haven't written for a while I get worried that I've forgotten how.

I recall you mentioning rust a few times through the years. There was never any rust! No worries..

[Finey_McFine]

The good little Mormon girl next door taught my daughter how to sign, 'You're a douche bag,' today. How nice.

[angieb86]

My ex-wife is a manipulative, conniving, jerk-face lint licker.

These are the precise reasons she is an EX.

[sweet satin lover]

The Kitten is smitten

[Foomatic]

I think, for the first time, I'm absolutely sure that it's not going to work out between us. And our 5 year annivesary is next week. How fitting.

[JustSkipIt]

I think, for the first time, I'm absolutely sure that it's not going to work out between us. And our 5 year annivesary is next week. How fitting.

If I'm reading that right, I'm so so so sorry.

[little.hesperides]

I think, for the first time, I'm absolutely sure that it's not going to work out between us. And our 5 year anniversary is next week. How fitting.

I'm really sorry to hear that. Odd, though, that's kind of the point I hit a few months ago. My relationship ended just 2 weeks shy of our 5 year anniversary.

My moment of truth today: Being single has its ups and downs, but the lack of obligation and the amount of freedom is incredibly satisfying at the moment.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I loved a lot of children over the last 3 years, and I'm sure I'll go on to love many more, someday, but there is one little girl that I can't get out of my heart, and I would give so much to still have her in my life. There've been 5 children I was closest too, and at the time I don't think I knew I was any more attached to IF than to the others, but she's the one I always think of, she's the one it kills me to know I'll never see again.

I wonder if that's why I'm still scared of going back to working in daycares; I'm scared of falling in love with kids that I'll then get taken away from somehow. I know that kids are always gonna grow up and not be in baby and toddler classrooms anymore, I always knew that, but it's so different to suddenly be kicked out of all their lives over one mistake, to not get to spend a couple years watching them in the older classes before they finally leave for school, to have no hope of visiting them or them visiting me. There are so many kids that I miss, and missing IF still breaks my heart. I think I'm scared of hurting this much again, of having more kids that I'm worried I'll miss forever. But at the same time, I so desperately want to have new kids to fill the wholes that my old babies left...

[Finey_McFine]

You really can't help people that don't want to help themselves. No matter what you do or how hard you try to change things...you can't.

[Finey_McFine]

Adults really are babies in big bodies. Here's proof, a text I received this afternoon while I was at THE HOSPITAL with my child.

"D is SO lazy! All the trash HE emptied he put on the floor right by the curtain so you literally had to step over it to get by. So he says, 'bye B' and steps over all of the fucking trash and walks out???!!! WTF??!! This is SO unfair!"

Ask me if I give two shits WHO takes out the trash when I'm sitting at the hospital with my kid.

[JustSkipIt]

A few weeks ago I felt a twinge in my knee. Since yesterday it's been like a super-twinge. I do not want a twinge. I do not want an injured knee. I want to run injury free and healthy and beautiful and enjoy my HM this Sunday.

[leos_pride]

Still adjusting to this whole "single" concept (not something I've done much of since I started dating. tend to stick with things waaaay too long)

On the high notes its all, woo hoo freedom and no obligation. It's fun and exciting

On the low points I start wondering if I'm too broken to find someone new, to find someone who will accept me as I am

The range of human emotions seriously sucks sometimes

[gorn]

I totally lied in the "Either Or" thread when I said I could dance. I like to dance, but I'm not really a good dancer at all.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I cried this morning over hearing a song that makes me think of my old Rainbows class. Sometimes I just want to tell myself to *suck it up and move on*. But the two places that hold the very happiest memories of my life are Germany and that classroom, and both are gone from my life forever. Sure there are other places I love, other places with great memories; I've got my dad and stepmom's kitchen where we sing music and the house and the house of the girl I nanny for that are both still in my life, but though those places are wonderful they don't really compare. I hope someday *something* does. Sometimes I worry I'll never again have moments as perfect as I did working with my Rainbows.

What girl doesn't want to do what she loves and feel like Super Woman doing it?

[CrazyTaraWitch]

It just occurred to me that the first thing my bosses are going to ask Monday morning is how my race went. I don't want to lie, but I also can't stand the idea of telling them the truth; they already have reason to think I'm a bit of a cock-up in my personal life, and I really don't want to give them another.

Just one more reason to be totally pissed at myself right now...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Once in a while, I still miss something that never existed, and it's not something I know how to explain to anyone. I don't think about it often anymore, it's been 3 years now so I've had some time to heal, but it can still knock me down. And I hate that no one gets it.
I guess that's not quite true, I have one friend that always seemed to understand... I suppose it's more that I still judge *myself* so hard for caring after all this time about what was never real that it's hard to talk to anyone else about it, even someone that logically I know never judges me. Sometimes I think if I could just figure out how to explain so everybody would think the way I feel is okay, if it could be something others felt okay with me talking about, maybe I could *let* myself feel sad about it once in a while instead of giving myself such a hard time whenever I remember. All I know is I hate still having this pain inside me and not feeling like I can share it...