A Moment of Truth

[Nue]

it´s weird, you know? this whole Christmas thing, this whole year looked so unreal and maybe, just maybe I´m dreaming.. having a horrible nightmare...

I´m so tired, and I´m so not strong like I thought... or like anyone thought I was... I´m scared, and tired and I just want to go away...

I miss my aunt... I can´t believe she´s gone...

[MelCar19]

So our ex roommate left a lot of her stuff for us to clean up so Im not gonna pass up the chance to go through it and I found a lot of stuff about my fiancee in there... She was like some creepy stalker of her

[KiWy]

Well, I'm kinda scared. Scared, but feeling happy too. There will be nothing, because there can't be, but there still is something, and I love it. She can make everything so much better, if only in helping me find a way to be myself.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

It's still very hard for me to not have negative feelings toward certain people from my past. I've been trying for a long time to let go, because regardless of whether they 'deserve' my negative feelings it only makes *my* life worse to have them, but it's still something I struggle with. I want to be happy for people regardless of any bad they've done toward more or those I love, or at least feel neutral about their lives, but sometimes I still go to a vindictive place where I find myself wishing them ill instead of hoping that they are growing as people, seeing what their actions have done to others, and learning to live in a more positive way. I want to hope that they're growing and will be happy and all that, but sometimes I still just want them to hurt like they made me and mine hurt. I don't like myself very much when I feel that way.

[fhiwda]

Every year...about this time. I become depressed. I don't know why, but I do. I get in a self-destructive mood. All I want to do is sleep. I've lost many jobs because I just want to sleep and not go to work...I don't want to be alive. Life seems harder and harder every day. I want to cry, but I can't. The tears just won't come. I will fight through it and in a couple months everything will be better again...Just wish I had a better outlook on life right now.

[MelCar19]

Never really realized how much i missed this place

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

I realized about an hour ago that I was destined to be humble no matter what. My friends and I were talking about our childhoods. I may have not been faced with certain things in my life, but it never stopped me from wanting to experience and understand other peoples lives. I am like that now as an adult, but I realized that I was already like this as a kid. I use to go dumpster diving for food as a kid when I didn't have to. I did it because a family I knew was poor and often got food this way. I did it with them and for them. It's things like this that paved the way to who I've become.

[Guest]

I love you

[Yours]

The new job I have in the mornings is only for 2 hours monday to friday, from 7am until 9pm, it brings in £60 a week which really help me out to no end. The thing is though I work nights mostly, 5-6 days a week, last week I worked 62 hours and I'm exhausted. I slept right through my alarm clock this morning and the lady I work for child minding go majorly pissed of because I was a little bit late. I'm really not sure if I can keep these early mornings up...

[Yours]

My hand hurts :( 3rd degree burns are no fun :(

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I feel like a bad person for it, but I find myself kind of hoping that a coworker gets fired. I don't dislike her and for the most part she does a good job, but instead of lessening my wish for her to loose her job it only increases my guilt over the wish. Last spring we applied for the same job, she got it and I didn't. I felt no resentment at the time because though I had a little more relevant education she had more experience, and she'd been a temp in the position for a while so it was clear she'd do a good job. I did however feel jealous, not just because of the job but due to personal aspects of her life; it seemed as if we were trying to do the same things, but she was succeeding and I wasn't. (Okay, so maybe there was a *little* resentment.) Last Saturday we had a mandatory meeting, it sucked for everyone that it was on a weekend, but she was the only one that was late, and she showed up 7 minutes before the meeting ended, and was told that her presence would not be counted and she would get a written reprimand (many of my coworkers were given the impression that such a reprimand would lead to getting fired). At first I felt bad for her, until I found out that she's late to work every single day. Now I find myself hoping she gets fired, because I feel like someone who can't be more responsible than that doesn't deserve to be picked over me for a job I really really wanted. I honestly don't know if I would apply for her job if it came open again, but I feel like she doesn't deserve to have it, and then I feel guilty for wishing upon someone something as awful as getting fired, and for being so judgemental as to think I know what she, or anyone, deserves.

Sometimes I feel like a bad person

[Nue]

I miss having time to write ... I miss sleep ... I'm so tired that my ideas come together in my head and I get confused about everything ...
I miss my quiet life, when things seemed predictable and boring ...
When did things get so almost impossible to deal with?

[Ariel]

For me it was realizing that a lot of my life is up to me. Definitely that my own happiness is up to me.

Very liberating and very scary sometimes!

Ariel

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I am really really excited to be an aunt. I wish I was at the point in my life to have my own baby, but I'm not there right now and I'm really thrilled that I'll get to be part of the life of my sister's baby. I love working with kids, but sometimes it makes me sad to know that no matter how much I love the little ones I take care of they won't remember me. My little niece or nephew is going to remember me, I'll get to be part of his or her life forever and that is a really great feeling. Holding my hand on my sister's bump today felt really great.

My truth is I wish I could be a Mama, but right now Auntie sounds like a pretty great title

[Ariel]

Today it was smelling the woods, oak and eucalyptus trees and leaves on the ground. It was good, then walking through them and feeling my legs stretch, pushing a little and breathing harder. Just the beauty of the world that I can forget sometimes . . . and how good exercise makes me feel.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I miss being in love.

[JujuDeRoussie]

I try to like my girlfriend's brother because he's her brother, but I really don't like him.

[KiWy]

My drawing teacher is nice and all. Awesome teacher, funny, can talk about anything with us. Though, his breath is the worse i've ever smelled...all one can think about when he's talking right near your face is "chewing gum !!!!"

[CrazyTaraWitch]

There's someone I want to be close to, but I honestly don't believe it will ever happen; there's too much between us, too much neither of us would be willing to give up. I wish it could be different.

[Nue]

I´m scared... you know, my mother will have her surgery next tuesday and I´m so scared for her... and for my grandma, she just lost a daughter...
I´m going home this weekend, cause I need my girlfriend right now.. It´s a big responsibility for her, but I need her support so much...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Somewhere along the way I stopped believing in myself.

[sweet satin lover]

Somewhere along the way I stopped believing in myself.

Try to gain belief in yourself you are a good woman and a great friend xxx

my moment: Sometimes I cant believe my mum has actually done it and stayed so strong I always thought that we would have constant pressure because of Terry in our lives and while I am glad my mum has ended it, I don't miss terry or anything at all but its got me thinking about my original dad and how bad he was too and how I always wanted a loving dad and just about how fucked up people can get I was emotionaly abused for nearly 14 years my mother and sister were treated far worse its got me thinking even mnore now about what we all deserve from life and that I have to re-train myself to not see myself as a failure or a fuck up.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm the kind of person that cries about TV shows, cries when her favorite couple since Willow and Tara breaks up despite knowing they get back together. I've always been that kind of person. I'm still that girl. But I used to also be the kind of person to cry when things hurt in my own life, to sob over a broken heart and cry over a bad day and scream now and then and ache for a dead animal on the side of the road. I'm not that girl anymore. I've been addicted lately to watching TV, really obsessively addicted, and I realized tonight it's because it makes me feel, feel more than I feel in my own life 90% of the time. I get mad at characters, but I can't remember the last time I really let myself be truly angry at anything in my life. I go through the motions. My head tells me what to feel, but most of the time I'm empty. Even my recent mood swings are shallow, hollow, only skin deep. I'm empty and I *hate* living this way and I don't know how to change it.

[angieb86]

I reconnected with my high school crush a few months ago. It had been 8 years since we'd seen each other. We go out a lot, a few times a week for drinks and dancing. We have intelligent and delightful conversations. She makes me laugh...A LOT. She can sing Amy Winehouse songs like a mo-fo, lol. She's beautiful. And smart. And men notice her entirely too much. It's probably her insanely awesome rack. Her smile...makes me smile.

I'm pretty sure I'm falling for her. And she moving to California in 3 weeks.

FML.

[Kessari]

I used to love living on my own... I loved my freedom and even though sometimes I'd feel lonely, I loved it. Now every time she has to leave it breaks my heart a little. When I come back from taking her to the airport, I dread going home. It doesn't feel like home without her here.

[EasierSaid]

I found out yesterday that a dear old friend lost her infant child. And today, even when the dog was peeing and pooping in the house, my son was throwing tantrum after tantrum and my wife and I were so sick we could only do the bare minimum, even with all of that craziness going on I still couldn't help but think about how blessed we are. Because, yeah, the dog is a nightmare, our son is going through a rough phase and it feels like we'll never be well again, but at least we're alive. And so it's rough right now. Big deal. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

[JujuDeRoussie]

Sarkozy sucks, it's the plain simple truth.

[HopeHavoc]

I haven't told anyone this in....at least 2 or 3 years but....every time I look at my teeth, at my smile...I mean REALLY look at it, at what it's become compared to what it was before my wisdom teeth started coming in....I want to cry and it makes me feel ugly and disgusted with myself because I used to have such a beautiful smile and now it's crooked and disgusting and why would anyone ever be attracted to me and it just makes me hate myself and the way I look even more than I already do.....

Even worse than that....I think part of the reason that I hate myself so much is because I like the attention and the stroke to the ego that putting myself down gets me. I sometimes wonder whether, if people stop trying to make me feel better when I do that, I will start learning how to fuel my own ego boosts or actually kill myself like I used to want to do.

[KiWy]

I'm scared to fall into a nightmare all over again. And she's not here right now to make me feel better, or just talk to me and push my thoughts back deep in my mind.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm scared. My sister's surgery is coming and I'm scared. I probably won't get to see her again before. I want to be there, sitting around uselessly in the waiting room scared out of my mind, but I didn't know how to ask and... Now I won't see her again until after. I know she'll be fine, she's gonna be fine, but... I'm scared and I hate that the last time I saw her I didn't hug her as tight as I possibly could. I hate that I've spent so little time with her over the last few years. I'm scared that I won't get the chance to be close to her again.
I miss her. All the time I miss her. The her that I miss is gone, in a lot of ways, and I know she's not coming back, but sometimes I still see the little sister that won my heart. She used to be the most important person in the universe to me, and I was easily in her top five. We talked about absolutely everything back then, she understood me and I understood her. We don't really know eachother anymore. I tried to hold onto the way it was, the way we were and the way she was, for so long, and then I spent even longer trying to get it back. I've never really stopped trying to get it back. I just want to know her again. I don't try anymore to see her as the girl she used to be, I try to see her as she is now, but she doesn't let me in. How can I ever know her like I used to if she doesn't let me see who she is, if she doesn't talk to me or wanna hang out anymore? I miss her everyday, and most of the time I miss her the most when we're in the same room and I hate myself for that, I hate myself for not just being in the present and being glad for every second I get with her. But how can I be glad for time with her when 99% of that time she's not really there? I love her. I love the now-her. I know her enough to know she's still an amazing, smart, ridiculous, crazy, funny, sarcastic person. I see just enough of her to know I could still have as much fun with her as I used to if she'd let me. A part of me knows that's probably not quite true, her bipolar hadn't kicked into full-effect back when we used to spend so much time together, and she wasn't on half a dozen meds, so I know it could never be exactly the same, and that the not-100%-here-ness would probably remain to some extent no matter what because the meds are like a barrier between her and the world, but at the same time I know she hasn't changed that much and she could be like my best friend again.
She's my sister and she'll always be my sister. As far as sisters go, I couldn't love her more. But there was a time when she was more than my sister. She was my best friend and I miss my best friend.

My sister's having surgery and I'm scared, but I also feel horribly guilty because a big part of my fear is because I've never let go of the idea that we might become friends again and if anything happens I'll have to. What kind of person worries about that when their sister is about to have brain surgery?